Tonight, from 1976, we have The Paul Lynde Halloween Special.
In this special, actor and comedian Paul Lynde celebrates Halloween with Betty White, KISS, Donny and Marie Osmond, Florence Henderson, Billy Barty, Margaret Hamilton (the original Wicked Witch of the West), and I’m going to guess a mountain of cocaine that was probably sitting backstage.
This special is definitely a product of a very certain era in America’s cultural history.
On the distant planet Eternia, the evil Skeletor (Frank Langella) has finally taken over Castle Grayskull and imprisoned the Sorceress (Christina Pickles). When He-Man (Dolph Lundgren) and his allies Teela (Chelsea Field), Man-At-Arms (Jon Cypher), and Gwildor (Billy Barty) launch a rescue mission, they find themselves overwhelmed by Skeletor’s forces and are forced to use an interdimensional key to escape.
He-Man and his friends end up in 1980s California. The key is lost in the process and discovered by two teenagers, one of whom is played by a pre-Friends Courteney Cox. Skeletor sends Evil-Lyn (Meg Foster), Beast Man (Tony Carroll), and a host of other henchmen after the key.
The first (and, as of this writing, only) live action film to be based on the famous Mattel action figures, Masters of the Universe was produced by Cannon and it should have been a lot better than it actually was. The idea of He-Man and Skeletor in modern-day California was a good one and it’s easy to imagine scenes of He-Man and Skeletor wandering around downtown Los Angeles and being as shocked by the locals as the locals are by them. Big, blonde Dolph Lundgren seemed like the ideal pick for the role of He-Man. Best of all, from the perspective of many, is that there was no Orko. The most annoying member of the He-Man ensemble was left out of the film. (Billy Barty’s Gwildor may have sometimes been annoying but he was still better than Orko.)
Unfortunately, the movie did not live up to anyone’s expectations. Taking more inspiration for Star Wars and Conan than from any of the He-Man mythology, Cannon’s version of Masters of the Universe is a generic action movie in which He-Man is reduced to being just another forthright hero with a sword. (He’s not Prince Adam in this movie. He’s just He-Man.) Teela doesn’t even wear her famous costume. The main problem with Masters of the Universe is that so few of the Masters actually appear in the movie. This was a Cannon/Mattel co-production but apparently, Mattel was stingy when it came to delivering their half of the budget. There wasn’t enough money to bring He-Man’s rogue’s gallery (not to mention the majority of his allies) to life. The means no Trap-Jaw and no Mer-Man. Not even Ram Man makes the cut and this movie could have really used Ram Man.
Fortunately, Skeletor and Evil-Lyn are present to pick up the slack. (When it came to the Masters of the Universe franchise as a whole, the villains were always more entertaining than the heroes.) With the help of a surprisingly convincing makeup job that give him a skull face, Frank Langella appears to be having the time of his life as the evil Skeletor and I wasn’t surprised to recently read that this was one of Langella’s favorite roles. Langella seems to having a blast playing such a thoroughly evil and cartoonish character and his scenes have a playful energy that the rest of the film is lacking. Meg Foster, she of the piercing eyes, is the perfect choice for Evil-Lyn and is magnetically evil. They provide some of the most entertaining villainy since Max von Sydow announced, “Klytus, I’m bored,” at the start of Flash Gordon.
Masters of the Universe was a critical failure when it was released in 1987, which isn’t a surprise. A film based on a toy line and a children’s cartoon? Maybe that would be an Oscar nominee today but, in 1987, there was no way the critics were going to go for it. But Masters of the Universe was also a box office failure, one of many high-profile Cannon films that failed to score when it was first released. (It did find a cult following when it was released on video.) A proposed sequel — in which Lundgren would be replaced as He-Man by surfer Laird Hamilton — was abandoned. The sets that had been built for Masters of the Universe 2 were instead used for Cyborg, starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.
A new live action Masters of the Universe film is scheduled to be released in 2026. Jared Leto will be playing Skeletor. That is probably all that needs to be said.
Goddard Bolt (Mel Brooks), the massively wealthy CEO of Bolt Enterprises, wants to buy up a huge area of Los Angeles’s slums and tear them down, transforming the area into a chic neighborhood and moving all of the poor residents and street people out. Rival businessman Vaughn Craswell (Jeffrey Tambor), who grew up in the slum and dreams of destroying it himself, has the same plan. He and Bolt make a bet. If Bolt can survive for 30 days on the streets, Craswell will allow Bolt to have the property. Bolt agrees and soon, he is penniless and sleeping in alleys. While Bolt befriends Sailor (Howard Morris) and Fumes (Theodore Wilson) and falls in love with a former dancer named Molly (Lesley Ann Warren), Craswell schemes to take over Bolt’s company and keep Bolt on the streets permanently.
Life Stinks was one of Mel Brooks’s attempts to make a straight comedy that wasn’t a parody and which had a serious message underneath the laughs. The mix of comedy and drama doesn’t really gel, because the drama is too dark and the comedy is too cartoonish. Life Stinks is often guilty of romanticizing living on the streets. With the exception of two muggers, everyone whom Bolt meets is a saint. It is still interesting to see Brooks creatively at his most heartfelt and humanistic.
Life Stinks does feature some of Mel Brooks’s best work as an actor and it’s also features an excellent turn from Lesley Anne Warren. At first, I thought Warren would be miscast as a woman who spent her days in a soup kitchen and her nights sleeping in an alley. But she actually gives a very sweet and believable performance.
No matter what else, Mel Brooks is a true mensch.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
Tonight’s episode is weird.
Episode 3.6 “Counterfeit”
(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on October 20th, 1979)
Ponch is shocked to discover that he’s carrying several counterfeit twenties. He turns the money into the Treasure Department, hoping that it will mean receiving an monetary award. Instead, he’s told that his reward is helping the government crack down on the bad guys. Ha! Take that, Ponch!
That said, you better believe that Ponch is there to help arrest the counterfeiters, who turn out to be a bunch of phony preachers working out of a church. I know that sounds like the sort of thing that could be interesting. But, for the most part, these guys are still just generic CHiPs bad guys, even if one of them is played by veteran screen tough guy Ralph Meeker.
Meanwhile, Ponch goes on a date with a woman and is upset when it appears that she’s shallow and doesn’t want to talk about anything that is the least bit intellectual. That’s our, Ponch! He’s never shallow! Fortunately, it turns out that his date isn’t shallow either. She was just pretending to be shallow to test whether or not Ponch was shallow. And now, it’s time to dance! Wait, what? That doesn’t make any sense. Ponch — when are you going to settle down? Disco isn’t going to last forever.
While that’s going on, architect James O’Hara (played by veteran dwarf actor Billy Barty) becomes frustrated with people assuming that he can’t drive because of his size. He gets tired of all the dumb jokes and the condescending remarks. As a result, he keeps getting into minor accident whenever he drives on the highway. This was a strange storyline, largely because O’Hara’s scenes made up over half the episode despite the fact that he had never appeared on the show before and he barely interacted with the members of the Highway Patrol. A part of me wonders if maybe this episode was meant to be a backdoor pilot for a series about James O’Hara. The other weird thing about this episode is that O’Hara’s frustration over people making fun of his height was often played for laughs. The whole thing just felt well-intentioned but oddly tone deaf.
If you’re keeping track, this episode had two Ponch storylines and a storyline about a guy we had never seen before. Sorry, Baker! If we had any doubts about who was the favored partner as far as this show goes, this episode erased them.
This whole episode just felt weird. On the plus side, there was a lot of nice California scenery and there were quite a few accidents, which is the main reason why most people would have been watching the show in the first place. But this episode really is an example of how a show can get bogged down with a character that we’ve never seen before and that we’ll probably never see again. The episode just never comes together.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we visit the other side of the Island.
Episode 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”
(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 6th, 1979)
This was a bit of an odd episode.
First off, the official title of the show, for this episode, was Fantasy Island Sunday Special. Usually, Fantasy Island aired on Saturdays. This episode, as you can guess by the title, aired on a Sunday. Secondly, this episode does away with both the plane and Tattoo’s signature cry of “Da Plane Da Plane,” and instead has the guests arrive on the island in a hot air balloon. Tattoo (who is once again seen driving his little car, so I guess he finally recovered it after it was stolen earlier in the season) and Mr. Roarke are joined by a second assistant, Cindy (Kimberly Beck, who readers of this site will probably recognize as the likable lead in films like Massacre at Central High and Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter). At one point, Roarke says that “Cindy helps me on this side of the Island.” If nothing else, this episode confirms that Roarke has multiple assistants and the Island is really, really big.
Actually, it’s a good thing that Cindy is there because Cornelius (Red Buttons) and Alphonse (Billy Barty) have kidnapped Tattoo! Cornelius is a former employee of the Island but he was fired for stealing. When he returns to the Island, he says that his fantasy is to just have a pleasant holiday with his friend Alphonse. However, Cornelius’s real fantasy is to get revenge on Mr. Roarke by abducting Tattoo and holding him for ransom!
Of course, anyone who has been paying attention to the show up to this point knows that Cornelius and Alphonse have made a mistake. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo obviously loathe each other. When Mr. Roarke finds out that Tattoo is being held captive in a conveniently deserted castle, he doesn’t really seem that concerned about it. And Tattoo turns out to be such a disruptive presence that Cornelius is soon begging Roarke to take him back. In the end, Roarke demands money to take Tattoo off of their hands and Cornelius and Alphone end up paying off their debt by working in Fantasy Island’s kitchen. Tattoo is amused by the whole thing, despite the fact that Mr, Roarke was essentially willing to let him die.
Meanwhile, two orphans (Kyle Richards and Michael Anderson, Jr.) are given a chance to pick their new parents. They spend time with two sets of prospective parents. (One of the potential fathers is a magician played by a youngish Regis Philbin.) From the start of the fantasy, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to ask to be adopted by Ruth (Juliet Mills), the head of the adoption agency. And that’s exactly what happens. The episode ends with Ruth and the children boarding a hot air balloon and flying all the way back to America.
As I said, this was a bit of a weird episode, with a new assistant and a hot air balloon. “The other side of the Island” looks a like a theme park. This episode was obviously designed to appeal to children and, for what it’s worth, the IMDb trivia section states that this episode was meant to be a “backdoor pilot” for a version of Fantasy Island that would appeal to children. (I assume Cindy would have been the main character.) Unfortunately, the kidnapping humor is a bit too broad and the adoption storyline is a bit too predictable. Hopefully, next week’s episode will take place on the adult side of the Island.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Let’s set sail for adventure!
Episode 2.11 “Heads or Tails/Mona of the Movies/The Little People”
(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on November 25th, 1978)
The Love Boat crew is super excited because the glamorous movie star, Mona Maxwell (Rhonda Flemming), is going to be on the cruise. Apparently, this is not her first time to sail on the Love Boat. Captain Stubing can’t wait to get reacquainted with her. The walking HR nightmare that is Doc Bricker can’t wait to flirt with her. Artie D’Angelo (Orson Bean), a passenger who owns a chain of garages, is shocked to see that his favorite movie star in on the boat.
Artie may be a big fan of Mona’s but, whenever he tries to talk to her, he finds that he simply cannot find the words. With Doc’s help, Artie finally works up the courage to ask Mona to have dinner with him. Mona accepts and the two of them soon find themselves falling in love. The only problem is that Artie just cannot bring himself to believe that a big movie star like Mona would be interested in a guy like him. Really, Artie is being way too hard on himself. He’s a likable guy! And, fear not, he and Mona leave ship arm-in-arm.
Meanwhile, two frat dudes — Alex (Adam Arkin) and Wally (Richard Gilliand) — have made a bet over who will be the first to sweep Julie off of her feet. When they start the betting, it’s for money but eventually, they decide to just bet a pizza. Julie spends time with both of them and has fun, especially with Alex. But then a jealous Wally reveals the truth about the bet and Julie announces that she doesn’t want anything else to do with either of them. Gopher tells Julie that she should actually be flattered that the two guys were both so determined to date her. Apparently deciding that she’s not really bothered by the fact that both of her suitors just spent an entire weekend lying to her, Julie forgives them and then says that she’s going to spend an equal amount of time with both Alex and Wally so neither one of them will win or lose the bet.
Finally, Doug Warren (Edward Albert) is on the cruise with his parents, who are celebrating their anniversary. Coincidentally, Doug’s co-worker, Beth (Patty McCormack), is also on the cruise! Doug and Beth quickly fall in love but then Beth is freaked out when she sees two little people in the ship’s lounge. She explains to Doug that little people make her nervous. She always worries about what would happen if her child turned out to be a little people. What she doesn’t know is that the little people — Ralph (Billy Barty) and Dottie (Patty Maloney, who also guest-starred on the famous disco-themed episode of The Brady Bunch Hour) — are Doug’s parents!
Without telling Beth why, Doug says that he can no longer see her. A heart-broken Beth goes to the Acapulco Lounge where she gets into a conversation with Ralph and Dottie. She discovers that Ralph and Dottie are just like everyone else and she also finds out that Doug is their very tall son. She tells Doug that she’s no longer worried about their potential children being little people and …. you know, this plot line is just ridiculous. Beth is prejudiced against people based on their height and she’s basically told Doug that she would freak out if her child was anything other than “normal.” And yet, Doug and his parents act all excited when Beth announces that she still loves Doug, regardless of who his parents are. Doug, sweetie — you can do better!
I definitely had mixed feelings about this episode. Orson Bean and Rhonda Fleming were both perfectly charming in their storyline but the other two stories were both pretty icky. I spent the entire episode waiting for Julie to tell off Alex and Wally and for Doug to tell off Beth and, in both cases, it didn’t happen. This was definitely not one of the better cruises of the Pacific Princess.
Hopefully, next week’s destination will be a bit nicer.
Music promoter M. Harry Smilac (Dirk Benedict) used to be a big deal in Los Angeles but lately, his ability to create stars appears to have left him. He still has his Porsche and his car phone but he is also several thousand dollars in debt and he only has one client, a garage hair band called Kick. No one wants to book Kick because no one wants to work with a known screw-up like Harry.
Desperate for money, Harry agrees to serve as the entertainment chairman for a stuffy candidate for governor. It’s while looking for potential acts to headline a fundraiser that Harry meets Quick Rick Roberts (Roddy Piper). When Harry sees Rick getting ripped off by a promoter, Harry assumes that Rick is a musical act and quickly offers to be Rick’s agent. It’s only after Rick has agreed that Harry discovers that Rick doesn’t play an instrument and can’t sing a note. Instead, Rick is a professional wrestler and, by singing him, Harry has now made an enemy of Rick’s former manager, Captain Lou Munaro (played by, you guessed it, Captain Lou Albano).
Now, Harry has to find a way to pay his creditors, make stars out of both Kick and Rick, and win the hand of Candace VanVargen (Tanya Roberts), the daughter of a wealthy political benefactor. What if there was some way to combine rock and roll with wrestling?
Dirk Benedict, Tanya Roberts, Roddy Pipper, and Captain Lou Albana, all appearing in a movie directed by Hal Needham? Body Slam is one of the most 80s films ever made. It’s not really a bad film. In typical Needham fashion, it’s a loose mix of broad comedy and scenes designed to appeal to teenage boys and their fathers. There’s a lot wrestling. There’s a lot of spandex. The movie opens with Harry ogling a woman in a bikini. Body Slam knew who its audience would be. Dirk Benedict gives a surprisingly nimble comedic performance and even Tanya Roberts has some deliberately funny moments. Roddy Piper is likable as the steady and fair-minded Rick. There’s nothing subtle about Captain Lou Albano’s performance but what else would you expect from a man wearing that many rubber bands? As was typical of Needham’s films, some of the director’s friends show up in cameos. John Astin plays a car salesman. Charles Nelson Reilly plays a talk show host. Billy Barty gets into an argument with Captain Lou. Burt Reynolds is nowhere to be seen.
Unfortunately, not many people got to see Body Slam when it was originally released. Body Slam was going to be Hal Needham’s big comeback film after the disappointing Megaforce but the film’s producers didn’t care much for the changes that Needham made to their script and they sued to keep the film from being released. As a result, the film never got a theatrical release and it was instead sent straight to VHS, with very little fanfare. It has since developed a cult following amongst old school wrestling fans.
Body Slam is a typically amiable Hal Needham film. It’s nothing special but it’s enjoyable if you’re in the mood for it.
Now that I’ve fully recovered from the trauma of writing about Grease, let me tell you about a little movie from 1979. It’s a movie about teenagers, love, and competition. It’s also a movie about disco and some actors who had some extra time on their hands. It has a great soundtrack and the whole movie is pure 70s. It even features the debut performance of a future movie star!
What film am I talking about?
SKATETOWN, USA, of course!
But before I talk about the movie, check out the trailer. This is one of my favorite trailers of all time. It pretty much tells you everything that you need to know about the movie. There’s not a deceptive moment to be found in this preview:
Skatetown, U.S.A. is one of those movies that you watch and think, “This could only have been made in the 70s.” Remember how watching Hollywood High caused me to doubt whether or not the 70s were actually all they were cracked up to be? Well, Skatetown USA has renewed my faith! Skatetown is such a 70s film that I personally think someone should send me an honorary coke spoon to reward me for watching it.
(Maureen McCormick, who is best known for playing Marcia Brady and who had a small role in Skatetown, wrote in her autobiography that the main thing she remembers about Skatetown is all the cocaine on the set.)
Skatetown USA doesn’t really have a traditional plot. Instead, it’s a collection of “comedic” skits mixed in with roller skating performances and a nonstop soundtrack. There is not a second that music is not playing in the background and, for what appears to be a low-budget film, the soundtrack is truly impressive. Basically, almost every great disco song from the 1970s is heard at some point during Skatetown USA. (Even that “Boogie Nights” song that Paul Thomas Anderson was apparently not allowed to actually use in Boogie Nights! Imagine being the copyright holders who said yes to Skatetown but no to Paul Thomas Anderson…)
The film’s main character appears to be an unnamed DJ (Denny Johnston). The DJ wears a big white afro wig and is always dancing in his booth. Occasionally, he shoots a lightning bolt from his middle finger and suddenly, professional roller dancers appear and do a routine. At the end of the movie, he looks at the camera, says that it’s all a fantasy, and winks.
Skatetown is the most popular disco roller rink in town. Clean-cut teenager and all around nice guy Stan Nelson (Greg Bradford) wants to win Skatetown’s roller dancing contest. (The prize is $1,000 and a moped!) His best friend, Richie (Scott Baio), accompanies him and hopes to win a lot of money by betting on the outcome of the contest. Stan angrily reprimands him, “This isn’t the streets! This is Skatetown, U.S.A!”
That’s right — don’t mess with the good name of Skatetown!
Anyway, Stan’s actually a pretty good performer and he does this trick where he rides a skateboard while wearing roller skaters so you would think he would be a sure bet to win.
BUT NO!
The reigning Skatetown champion is Ace Johnson (Patrick Swayze, making his film debut) and we know that Ace is a bad guy because he wears all black and he occasionally snaps a whip while he’s rolling around! Ace isn’t above cheating to win but really he doesn’t have to cheat! Ace may be the bad guy but, seriously, he totally kicks ass while wearing roller skates. As soon as he rolls out there, you understand why he’s the reigning champion.
See, here’s the thing with Skatetown: We’re supposed to be rooting for Stan but Ace really is a hundred times better than him. There’s a reason why Patrick Swayze went on to have a career after Skatetown while Greg Bradford only has 8 credits on the imdb. Swayze, even in this silly role, had movie star charisma whereas Bradford — well, he’s comes across as a nice guy but there’s nothing special about him. Swayze, meanwhile, is dangerous and smoldering.
For instance, when Stan does his routine, his background music is The Village People singing “Macho Man” and you can’t help but snicker a little. Whereas, when Ace performs, his background music is a slightly menacing cover of Under My Thumb. Stan is the Village People. Ace is the Rolling Stones.
Anyway, the film might not be good in the traditional sense but I absolutely loved Skatetown, U.S.A. Why? Because it’s a total time capsule! Watching it is such a totally 70s experience that I was even tempted to get a frizzy perm, start wearing bell bottoms, and stop wearing a bra. Fortunately, the temptation passed but still, I enjoyed getting to use my cinematic time machine.
Add to that, the film itself is just so over-the-top and silly that … well, you can really believe that everyone involved in the movie was snorting mountains of cocaine in between takes. There’s not a subtle moment to be found in Skatetown, U.S.A. Instead, it’s all bright neon, loud music, flamboyant characters, silly melodrama, and corny humor.
(My personal theory is that Skatetown, U.S.A. was taking place in the same cinematic universe of A Clockwork Orange and it was showing what normal teenagers were doing while Alex and his droogs were seeking out the ultraviolence. The over-the-top design of Skatetown reminded me of the similar flamboyance of the Korova Milk Bar and the droogs’s bowlers and oversized codpieces weren’t that different from some of the costumes worn by the cast of Skatetown.)
Anyway, Skatetown is one of those films that everyone should see once. Unfortunately, because of all the music in the film, it’s never been released on DVD or Blu-ray and it probably never will be because life sucks. It is on YouTube, though it was recorded off an old VHS tape so the transfer is not the best.
Here’s Skatetown, USA:
One final note: Skatetown, USA was directed by the same William Levey who also directed Blackenstein, Hellgate, and The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington. It was written Nick Castle, who played Michael Myers in the original Halloween and directed a film that is well-liked by several of the writers here at the Shattered Lens, The Last Starfighter.
“God bless you, Ms. Hollander! You have saved us from recession!”
— Dialogue from The Happy Hooker Goes To Washington (1977)
Le sigh.
The things that I do for this site!
If I wasn’t currently in the process of watching and reviewing 94 films about politicians and politics, I can guarantee that I would never have watched The Happy Hooker Goes To Washington. However, while I was looking for films to review for this series, I went over to Netflix and did a search on “Washington.”
Guess which film came up first?
If you guessed The Happy Hooker Goes To Washington, you would be correct! And you know what? I watched this movie with an open mind. As anyone who has read this site knows, I have never been shy about my love of old exploitation films. The fact of the matter is that some of the most imaginative films ever made were low-budget grindhouse movies. Nothing angers me more than elitist film bloggers who dismiss a film just because it originally played in grindhouse cinema.
But, honestly, The Happy Hooker Goes To Washington is just bad. It’s boring. The acting is terrible. The jokes fall flat. The attempts at political satire are about as clever as what you’d find on any site trying to read like the Onion without actually being the Onion.
In the Happy Hooker Goes To Washington, Joey Heatherton plays Xaviera Hollander, a former madam who is now a businesswoman, magazine publisher, and sex advise columnist. She is apparently the world’s leading authority on sex. We know this because, when she first appears, she’s surrounded by reporters. “When sex is news, you’re news!” one of them tells her.
Xaviera has been called to testify in front of the Senate Committee To Investigate Sexual Excess In America. And goddamn, this movie is stupid. But anyway, Xaviera goes to Washington to stand up for sexual freedom. Accompanying her is an attorney named Ward Thompson (George Hamilton) and, quicker than you can say “Fifth place on Dancing With The Stars,” Ward is explaining to Xaviera why her testimony is so important.
“We’re heading right into the teeth of a new puritanism,” he tells her. “Under the new puritanism, there won’t be any happy hookers!”
Anyway, Xaviera testifies in front of the committee and we get a few flashbacks to some of Xaviera’s past accomplishments. And then she gets recruited by a dwarf (Billy Barty) and is sent to seduce an Middle Eastern ruler and … well, it just keep going and going. This is one of the longest 84-minute films ever released.
Anyway, this movie sucks. (And so does Xaviera! That’s the level of humor that you can expect when you watch The Happy Hooker Goes To Washington.) It’s still lurking around Netflix. Avoid it at all costs.
Through the Shattered Lens 