(Author’s note: I’m using the film’s original title of DRACULA 3D for my review. It seems to be going under the title of ARGENTO’S DRACULA as well, like in the image above. That’s also how I found it on Amazon Prime for my current viewing.)

If you’re one of my favorite directors or actors, I will watch all of your work, and I will probably like it. Such is the case with Dario Argento and Rutger Hauer. These two have been a part of so many great films over the years, but they have also been associated with some pretty bad stuff as well. I remember when I first read that Argento was making his own version of Dracula in 3D, and that Rutger Hauer would be playing the famous vampire hunter Van Helsing, the movie immediately went on my watch list. This means that I would google for more information every couple of days, as well as follow various entertainment-related websites looking for additional info. I also remember when the trailer was released. I specifically remember thinking that it looked awesome. I couldn’t wait to see it! And then it came out, and it seemed like everyone hated it. I made the mistake of reading reviews, which I often purposely avoid, and it seemed that many critics had a personal vendetta against the film. The reviewers weren’t content to just say it was a bad movie, they wanted me to know that it was an incompetent mess that everyone involved in should be completely ashamed of. There were a few exceptions to this universal shame, including my friend Lisa Marie Bowman, but that was definitely the general consensus. Because of this public disdain for the movie, I haven’t put that much effort into watching DRACULA 3D over the years. I’d started it a time or two, but I’d never actually finished it before. That is, until now. It’s a rainy day here in Central Arkansas, so I chose the movie for my wife and I to watch as the thunder rolled, and the rain came on in. 

The plot of the DRACULA 3D sticks to most of the things I remember about watching Dracula movies over the years. Count Dracula (Thomas Kretschmann) seems to be inflicting a sort of reign of terror in his part of the world and all the locals seem to know that going out into the woods by yourself at night is a bad idea, but they keep doing it anyway. The movie opens with Tanja (Miriam Giovanelli) going to meet her boyfriend in a barn for a late night sex romp. Sadly, after he gets satisfied, he refuses to walk her back to town. She throws her cross necklace at him and walks away in anger. Soon a big owl flies down on her, turns into Dracula and starts sucking her blood. The next person I remember meeting is an out of towner named Jonathan Harker (Unax Ugalde). It seems Count Dracula has called him to his castle to organize his library or something. He visits with Dracula for a bit, listens to wolves howling in the distance, and then heads to his room. It turns out that Tanja is not dead but is now living at the castle with Dracula. She invites herself in to tempt Jonathan, a married man, with her assets. Of course, it isn’t long before she’s trying to suck his blood. Dracula isn’t having any of that though, and he shows up and reminds Tanja that “he’s mine,” before attacking Jonathan’s neck like it’s a lobster tail at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet in Branson, MO! Soon Jonathan’s wife, Mina (Marta Gastini), and her friend Lucy (Asia Argento) show up at Dracula’s place since Jonathan seems to have gone missing. Dracula proceeds to suck on Lucy behind her knee, turning her into a member of the undead, and then tries to turn Mina into his eternal love. Finally, after all the activities above, Van Helsing (Rutger Hauer), Dracula’s old nemesis, shows up to try to end his reign of terror once and for all. I’ve probably missed some important details, but I think I got the gist of it. Feel free to correct me in the comments if I missed anything important.    

After watching DRACULA 3D, the multitude of critics may have been right if all they cared about is a great movie by “movie criticism” standards. That just doesn’t describe me though. I watch movies because I like the people in them, and the people who make them. I certainly don’t expect perfection, and I certainly value entertainment over some self-important “message.” The critics have always gone out of their way to disparage my hero Charles Bronson, and I just keep watching his movies anyway. I have to admit I had that same feeling when watching DRACULA 3D. I think this movie is fun, and I don’t really give a shit what the critics think. Based on past movies like SUSPIRIA and BLADE RUNNER, maybe the critics have a right to expect more out of Argento and Hauer. But then again, if any person expected that level of cinema back in 2012 when they watched this movie, I wonder if they should consider going into another profession. DRACULA 3D never intended to compete with those classics. It is camp of the highest order, it’s on purpose, and it should be judged as such. The special effects are cheesy, the boobs are plenty, and the performances are over the top. Dario Argento has made some of the best movies I’ve ever watched. I don’t think he just forgot how to make a movie. This is the movie he meant to make, and, in my opinion, the campiness adds to the charm. Thomas Kretschmann gives a committed performance as Dracula, and Rutger Hauer is very serious as Van Helsing, without a hint of comedy or goofiness. With all the crazy things going on around them, I think their “serious” performances are perfect for the movie. If I had any complaint about the movie, it would be that Hauer doesn’t show up until over an hour into the one hour, 50-minute runtime. However, once he comes to town, Van Helsing pretty much takes over the movie from that point forward. As a big time, fan of Hauer, I enjoyed his Van Helsing turning badass and dispatching everyone who had seemed unkillable up to that point. 

My final word is if you’re truly a fan of Argento or Hauer, you should enjoy this film. Don’t expect TENEBRAE or THE HITCHER. Just enjoy it for what it is… a cheesy, B-movie take on a legendary story. That was enough for me!