Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 1.6 “You Are Who You Eat”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, Diana makes history!

Episode 1.6 “You Are Who You Eat”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on December 30th, 1984)

Coach Denardo has a heart attack and is laid up in the hospital.  It looks like Diane is going to have to coach the team!

Wait?  What?

Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know a lot about football but I do know that there is such a thing as an assistant coach.  And there’s also coordinators.  There’s a lot of coordinators and a lot of assistants and I imagine that a part of their job entails coaching whenever the head coach is in the hospital.  So, I’m not really sure how this episode went from “Coach Denardo can’t coach this weekend” to “The owner is going to have to do it!”

Still, Diana ends up on the sidelines as the “first female head coach in history!”  I remember that a few Super Bowls ago, they made a big deal about one of the teams having a female assistant coach and I was like, “Well, they better win or they’re never going to hire another woman.”  I think the team lost.  I don’t really follow football.

Anyway, Coach Denardo is on the phone with Diana for most of the game but, towards the end of the game, the connection goes down.  Denardo runs out of his hospital in his hospital gown and takes a taxi to the stadium.  Luckily, even without his help, Diana knew exactly which play to call and the Bulls win another game.

Yay, I guess.  This episode was pretty dumb.  If I was coaching a football team, I would just be like, “Have that guy run to the touchdown area and then throw him the ball.”  I think we would win easily.

Brad reviews THE NAKED GUN (2025), starring Liam Neeson!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

When I first saw that THE NAKED GUN was being rebooted with Liam Neeson as Frank Drebin, Jr., I must admit that I was quite skeptical. You see, the original THE NAKED GUN (1988) with Leslie Nielsen came out when I was 15 years old, and I remember watching it at the movie theater on a field trip with our high school’s Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) club. I loved it so much! I eagerly watched THE NAKED GUN 2 1/2 (1991) and NAKED GUN 33 1/3 (1994) at the theaters as well. To be completely honest, this series is one of my favorites of my “growing into an adult” years, and I didn’t want to see it screwed up. When the trailer was released a couple of months ago my reaction was cautious optimism as I must admit it looked quite funny, and I decided that I would go watch it in the theater when it came out. Well, tonight my wife and I headed to the Cinemark in Little Rock to see what director Akiva Schaffer and his crew had come up with…

In THE NAKED GUN (2025), dedicated Detective Lt. Frank Drebin Jr. (Liam Neeson) follows in his father’s footsteps by leading Police Squad and causing an endless array of problems for Police Chief Davis (CCH Pounder). When a bank heist is staged by Sig Gustafson (Kevin Durand) in order to obtain a mysterious P.L.O.T. Device, Drebin teams up with his partner, Captain Ed Hocken Jr. (Paul Walter Hauser), and the beautiful crime novelist Beth Davenport (Pamela Anderson) to investigate. Their subsequent probe leads them to tech mogul Richard Cane (Danny Huston) and his sinister plot to use the device to revert humanity to a base barbaric state as the balls drop on New Year’s Eve. With the help of his deceased father’s spirit that’s being housed in the body of a large owl, Drebin goes all out to foil Cane’s plans while simultaneously falling in love with Beth! 

I’m going to go ahead and alleviate any suspense and state that I love the new NAKED GUN movie. I laughed out loud throughout the entire film, including the end credits, and I wasn’t the only one as there were people in our showing that were laughing much louder than me. It was a fun “crowd experience,” and I’m so glad we caught it in the theater. Not every joke is funny, but in the tradition of the original series, they come so fast and furious that there’s a good chance the next joke will be hilarious. Liam Neeson does a great job as Frank Drebin, Jr., infusing the character with just the right amount of seriousness to allow the absurdity all around him to be played for laughs. I told a friend a few months ago that I’d be really impressed if Neeson was able to pull this role off, and I’m glad to report that he passes with flying colors. He doesn’t make you forget the comedic genius of Leslie Nielsen, but he’s darn good. And Pamela Anderson is perfect in the crime novelist / love interest role. I haven’t seen her in anything in a long time, but she’s truly hilarious in the film. After watching her performance, I honestly don’t think any actress could have done any better. The rest of the game cast, including Paul Walter Hauser, Danny Huston and Kevin Durand each have good moments that add to the fun. I also enjoyed some of the specific throwbacks to the original series, including brief appearances by Priscilla Presley, Weird Al Yankovic, and especially the stuffed beaver, which got a big laugh out of me, just like it did when I was 15! 

Overall, I had a great time at the movie theater with THE NAKED GUN (2025). Director Akiva Schaffer delivers a hilarious, 85 minute film that’s a worthy follow-up to the original Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker / Leslie Nielsen classics. What else could you ask for?!!

Pony Post (1940, directed by Ray Taylor)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

In the days of the Old West, Griff Atkins (Stanley Blystone) manages a Pony Express station but, because of his gambling debts, he actually encourages the Indians and the outlaw Richard brothers (John Rockwell and Ray Teal) to attack the Pony Express riders and steal their horses.  Major Goodwin (Tom Chatterton) tries to put a stop to all this by firing Griff and putting Cal Sheridan (Johnny Mack Brown) in charge.  Griff and the Richard brothers continue their outlaw ways and eventually, the head of one of the relay stations is killed in one of their raids.  While the dead man’s daughter, Norma (Nell O’Day), investigates the murder, Cal works to bring peace the line and falls in love with Goodwin’s daughter, Alice (Dorothy Short).  Meanwhile, aspiring Pony Express rider Shorty (Fuzzy Knight) tries to invent a trampoline system that will help him to mount a horse.

No matter how bad things get in the west, you can always count on Johnny Mack Brown to bring some order and to get it done in less than an hour.  Johnny Mack Brown was always a good hero and that’s the case here.  Eventually this film has all of the horse riding and tough fighting that fans of the genre expect from these westerns but, for a short movie (it only runs for 59 minutes), it still seems to take a while for it to really get going.  The first half of the movie is more about Fuzzy Knight singing songs and trying to become a rider than it is about anything else.  I usually enjoy Fuzzy’s antics but, like the B-western themselves, they are definitely an acquired taste for most viewers.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.13 “The Christmas Presence”

Posted on by casewright

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This Week, Captain Stubing is unimpressed by proof that God exists…

This episode had surgery, singing, and supernatural beings who did not impress Captain Stubing. I assume Stubing runs into angels on earth just on his way back from shuffleboard- they’re just old hat to him. There is a sexist and abusive husband Jim Markham (Donny Osmond) married to Lori Markham (Maureen McCormick- He wishes!). Henry Beemus (Henry Gibson) and Charlie Dobbs (Keenan Wynn) are two crooks who want to smuggle gold using nativity figurines and Nuns to unknowingly move the stolen gold through customs – this plot annoyed/tired me; it tannoyed me A LOT. The Nuns were traveling with a choir of Dominican children one of whom was deadly ill, requiring surgery!!! Lastly, an Angel with limitless powers was played by Mickey Rooney.

Jim wanted a traditional wife, but Lori wanted to keep her career. He was abusive even by 1970s standards because everyone wanted to hit him. He kept this bitter storyline going until Lori helped Doc Bricker cut into a Dominican Choir Boy’s throat to allow him to breathe! Yes, The Love Boat became The Mercy Ship!

Questions: why was there no blood on any of the scrubs after the surgery? They cut a hole in a kid’s throat! Then, Jim’s heart was changed because he found out that his wife helped save the Dominican Boy’s life. Hold on, did he not know she was a surgical nurse?! If Jim thinks this was something, wait until your wife tells you about the multiple gang related GSWs she has to treat every Wednesday night!

The Dominican boy’s plotline was interminable and there were great lamentations that his tracheotomy was going to prevent him from singing. Duh! He has a hole in his throat! Along with the throat hole plotline, there were the two thieves Henry and Charlie. These storylines just annoyed me. Mostly, they were just weird foils for Mickey Rooney to work his divine powers.

Speaking of powers, Mickey Rooney’s powers were endless: he healed the Dominican boy, allowing him to sing, he created ornaments out of thin air, he transported matter with his mind, he remade people’s thoughts, and spoke to planets! A fair number of these miracles were witnessed by Captain Stubing and he was as casually impressed as I am when I get a 5 dollar off promotion for Civilization VI on Steam. Captain Stubing barely shrugged.

The episode ended with Mickey Roony’s disembodied animated head atop the ship’s Christmas tree. It was just his head and it winked and smiled at them! Save yourselves! RUN!

There was a lot going on in this episode, but overall it was enjoyable if not hyper-strange.

Scenes That I Love: Amy Adams In Arrival

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to my fellow redhead, Amy Adams!

Amy gave one of the best performances to not be nominated for an Oscar in 2016’s Arrival.  Today, my scene that I love is the poignant and thought-provoking ending of that film.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special H.P. Lovecraft Edition

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films.  As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

This edition of 4 Shots From 4 Films is dedicated to H.P. Lovecraft, on the occasion of his 135th birthday.

4 Shots From 4 Films

The Dunwich Horror (1970, directed by Daniel Haller)

The Dunwich Horror (1970, directed by Daniel Haller)

Dagon (2001, directed by Stuart Gordon)

Dagon (2001, directed by Stuart Gordon)

The Call of Cthulhu (2005, directed by Andrew Leman)

The Call of Cthulhu (2005, directed by Andrew Leman)

The Whisperer in Darkness (2011, directed by Sean Branney)

The Whisperer in Darkness (2011, directed by Sean Branney)

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.16 “Soft Targets”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, a crazed gunman takes over the beach.  Good thing the Bike Patrol’s there….

Episode 2.16 “Soft Targets”

(Dir by Ron Satlof, originally aired on January 12th, 1997)

Zack Torrance (Terence Knox, a.k.a. St. Elsewhere‘s Dr. White) is a former soldier who claims that he has information about the CIA smuggling drugs into the U.S. as a way to help raise money to defeat the communists in Central America.  This is a conspiracy theory that I’m very familiar with.  I don’t quite buy it because it assumes a bit too much competence on the part of the CIA.  That said, it’s a popular conspiracy theory amongst some.  All I know is that communism sucks.

Kind of like this show!

Anyway, Zack opens fire on a beach and holds everyone hostage because he wants to get his story out.  For some reason, the job of securing the beach and negotiating with Zack falls to these dorks:

The CIA shows up in the form of Franklin Quill (Sherman Howard).  Quill takes over the negotiations and, while TC and Chris glower in the background, he proceeds to shoot and kill Zack.  Zack dies and the story doesn’t get out.  TC looks upset but he doesn’t really do anything to stop Quill so you know what?  Get bent, TC.

Seriously, this episode …. ugh.  First off, hostage episodes are boring to begin with.  There’s only so many times you can watch some sweaty guy barking out orders before you get bored with the whole thing.  Pacific Blue makes things worse by bringing in the Bike Patrol.  We’re supposed to dislike Quill but actually, Quill shows up, takes charge of the situation, and brings things to a close.  The fact that TC spends the whole episode standing around with an annoyed expression on his face doesn’t make Quill any less effective.  For this entire episode, TC whines and bitches about Quill’s tactics but TC never actually develops any tactics of his own.  If anything, the Bike Patrol is kind of superfluous in this episode.

Terence Knox was believably desperate as Zach.  Holly Robinson Peete showed up as a woman who was wounded by Zach’s initial attack on the beach.  She survived and then married a lifeguard (Robert Joseph).  Palermo was not in this episode.  Instead, he left to train a Bike Patrol in another country and left TC in charge of the Santa Monica’s Bike Patrol.  Big mistake, if you ask me.

If there was any pleasure to be found in this episode, it came from just how poorly the Bike Patrol came across.  Seriously, they couldn’t catch Zach.  They couldn’t control the beach.  What exactly do we need these people for?  Bike Patrol, what is it good for?  Absolutely nothing.