Category Archives: TV

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.15 “The Mother Instinct”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week’s episode of Monsters is all about killer worms!

Agck!  Seriously, nothing freaks me out more than carnivorous creatures that slither around.  Obviously, most worms are too small to be dangerous and I assume the same can be sound of most snails.  Still, thought of giant worms bursting out of the ground and eating people …. I mean, obviously, it might make a good film but it’s not something that I would necessarily want to see in person.  If I ever saw something like that happens in my back yard, for instance, I would probably have to move to another house.  That would suck because I like this house.  Seriously, killer worms, stay away!

Anyway, where were we?  Oh yeah, the show….

Episode 1.15 “The Mother Instinct”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on February 18th, 1989)

Nelson (Tom Gilory) is a real loser.  He’s a loser in business and a loser in life.  He’s got a gambling addiction and, despite being married to the loyal Sheila (Finn Carter), he simply cannot bring himself to remain faithful to his wife.  Nelson is in debt and desperately needs money.  His original plan is to ask his wealthy mother-in-law (Elizabeth Franz) for the money but she can see straight through him and refuses to give him a cent.

However, Nelson discovers that his mother-in-law has been growing melons in her green house that can provide temporary, superhuman strength.  (Usually, the mother-in-law is confined to a wheelchair but, whenever she drinks the super-powered melon juice, she can walk and literally toss people around her house.)  Nelson wants to steal the melons and sell them.  His mother-in-law refuses to give her permission so Nelson forces Sheila to help him steal them.

What Nelson didn’t expect was that the melons would be protected by carnivorous worms!  Nelson pressures Sheila to discover how her mother-in-law deals with the killer worms but it turns out that his mother-in-law has one last trick up her sleeve.  “Never miss with a mother’s instinct,” Nelson’s mother-in-law says as the episode reaches its tasty conclusion.

This episode suffered from being a bit rushed, which is something that happens when a show attempts to tell an hour-length story in only 20 minutes.  The killer worms were a bit too obviously puppet-like to really be scary but they still had their own silly charm to them.  Sometimes, you just have to be willing to accept that you’re watching a low-budget production and you need to just enjoy it for what it is.  Nelson was so obviously villainous that it made it difficult to believe that even insecure Sheila couldn’t see through him but at least he met his just deserts.

Incidentally, a year after appearing in this episode, Finn Carter starred in a movie that featured slightly more frightening killer worms, Tremors.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.25 “Celebration/Captain Papa/Honeymoon Pressure”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, an important question is finally answered!

Episode 3.25 “Celebration/Captain Papa/Honeymoon Pressure”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 29th, 1980)

Ever since Vicki first came aboard the ship, I have been wondering how exactly a 12 year-old can live (and apparently work) on an ocean liner.  One of my main questions has concerned how she is getting an education while sailing back and forth to Mexico.

With this episode, I finally got my answer.  When social worker Susan Stoddard (Lois Nettleton) boards the ship to decide whether or not to recommend that the Captain be given custody of Vicki, one of the first question that she asks is about school.

“Chief Petty Officer Dooley has a master’s in education,” Stubing replies, before saying that this never-before-mentioned character served as Vicki’s tutor.

Well, I’m glad that’s been cleared up.  Still, it is interesting that we’ve never before seen or even heard of this Dooley character.  We don’t even see Dooley in this episode.  You would think the social worker would want to talk to the person who is in charge of Vicki’s education.  Instead, Susan sees the rest of the crew, all of whom try to be on their best behavior in order to convince her that the Love Boat is not the floating HR nightmare that we all know it is.

(Still, at least the crew tried.  I’m surprised Doctor Bricker didn’t just try to sleep with her or something….)

This would be a really depressing episode of the Captain wasn’t awarded custody.  Luckily, Susan is so impressed by the crew that she says she will definitely file a positive report.  As she put it, Vicki not only has one wonderful parent.  She has “Five wonderful parents!”  Let’s see — Stubing, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, Doc …. yep, that’s five.  I’m sure Chief Petty Officer Dooley appreciates being left out of the group.

Isaac has more to worry about than just Captain Stubing’s situation.  Isaac is convinced that an old man named Gordon (Noah Beery, Jr.) is bank robber!  Gordon, who works as a bank guard at the port, is sailing on the Love Boat with his wife of 30 years, Betty (Alice Faye).  Gordon is spending a lot of money.  Isaac worries that Gordon stole the money but actually, it turns out that Gordon is just spending his life savings because his wife is in poor health and he wants to make sure that she has a wonderful vacation.  Unfortunately, Gordon spends too much on a diamond ring.  His wife, realizing what Gordon has done, secretly exchanges the ring for a cheaper one and tells her husband that she doesn’t need a life of luxury.  She just needs him.  Awwwwwww!  What a sweet old couple.

Finally, there are two real criminals on the boat.  Ralph (Norman Alden) and Ben (Richard Bakalyan) are two mob enforces who have been sent to accompany the boss’s daughter (Eve Plumb) on her honeymoon with her un-connected husband, Mark (Sal Viscuso).  Ralph and Ben’s presence makes Mark so uncomfortable that he can’t even consummate his marriage.  Ralph and Ben try to make things romantic for the couple.  Eventually, Doc Bricker tells the gangsters that Mark has a fictional disease, which causes Ralph and Ben to back off.  The married couple finally gets to celebrate their honeymoon.  But Mark still married into a mafia family so he’ll probably be machine-gunned as soon as he steps off the boat.

With the exception of the stupid Mafia story, this was a sweet episode.  I’m glad things worked out for the old couple and for Vicki and the Captain.  The Love Boat is not really a show that you watch for the acting but Gavin MacLeod’s natural sincerity always served him well whenever the show focused on his role as Vicki’s father.  Plus, I no longer have to worry about whether or not Vicki is going to have more than a sixth grade education.  So that’s a good thing.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.9 “Blues Boys”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Mitch considers the blues!

Episode 1.9 “Blues Boy”

(Dir by Reza Badiyi, originally aired on November 25th, 1995)

Lyle Logan (Michael Preston) is a 13 year-old musical prodigy who plays a guitar on the Malibu Pier with his guardian, Ned Simon (Greg Wrangler).  Seven years earlier, Lyle witnessed the murder of his father by his Uncle Willie (Nathan Cavaleri).  Now, Uncle Willie has just been released from prison and he’s searching for Lyle because he believes that Lyle knows where his father stashed the money from a robbery.

Uncle Willie has his men abduct Ned, planning on using him for leverage to get to his nephew.  Lyle approaches Mitch and hires the detective agency to track Ned down.  However, Mitch, Ryan and Garner are more interested in learning the truth about Lyle’s background.  Though Lyle at first refuses to open up and even tries to run away when Mitch asks him about his background, Lyle eventually comes to trust the group.  Together, they save Lyle from Uncle Willie.  As for the stash of money, it’s in a first aid kit that breaks apart when it’s tossed into the ocean.  The money watches up on the beach, where everyone goes crazy trying to grab some for themselves.

This was a pretty simple episode.  In fact, it was a struggle to come up with 200 words to say about the plot.  There’s not a lot going on, beyond Lyle running up and down the pier and Uncle Willie-looking evil.  The only thing that kept this from being an episode of Baywatch was the presence of Angie Harmon and the lack of red bathing suits.  In many ways, this episode highlights one of the biggest problems for Baywatch Nights.  Far too often, the show just feels like a detective-themed episode of Baywatch (a show that actually did feature several detective-themed episodes both before and after the Baywatch Nights experiment).  This episode, for instance, barely features any scenes that take place at night.  Mitch does most of his investigating during the day, which is when he really should be working as a lifeguard.

The episode’s inability to escape the shadow of its parent show is exemplified by a scene that occurs about halfway through the episode.  We get an extended sequence in which Ryan, Garner, and Mitch listen to Lyle play his guitar and they all have flashbacks to their past.  Ryan’s memories deal with being the daughter of a navy officer.  Garner remembers tossing a football back and forth with his father.  And Mitch …. well, Mitch just has Baywatch flashbacks.  It’s one of those silly, overly earnest scenes that one expects to find any production starring David Hasselhoff.  (And the montage is, of course, scored by the Hoff singing a song.)  Still, it’s hard not to notice that, while Ryan and Garner both have a past, Mitch just has another television show.

The episode ends with Lyle meeting and playing with B.B. King.  Hopefully, B.B. adopted the kid.  Seriously, he had been through a lot.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.8 “Crescendo/Three Feathers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, we get one good fantasy and one bad fantasy and a reminder that anything can happen on Fantasy Island!

Episode 4.8 “Crescendo/Three Feathers”

(Dir by Michael Preece, originally aired on December 20th, 1980)

This episode confirms that Fantasy Island is the strangest place on Earth.

Our first fantasy features Toni Tennille as a world-famous singer named Susan Lohmann.  Susan has been invited meet her favorite composer and songwriter, Edmund Dumont (Monte Markham).  Dumont lives in seclusion on Fantasy Island, in an estate that is surrounded by wild animals and where he is tended by a blind butler (James Hong).

Susan is excited to meet Edmund, until she walks in on him playing his piano and discovers that he’s a …. BEAST!  Though he has the body of a human, he has the face of a wolf.  It turns out that Edmund lives in seclusion because he feels that the world would never accept his appearance.  And Susan promptly proves him correct by screaming and demanding to leave.  Susan flees the estate.

Susan’s manager is glad that Susan is free because now she can appear in concert in London.  However, Mr. Roarke informs Susan that Edmund suffers from a curse and the only thing that could have cured him would have been the love of Susan.  Edmund is now determined to die, surrounded by the animals on his estate, the only creatures who accepted him.  Susan, realizing that she was a little bit hard on a guy who couldn’t help his appearance, returns to the estate, gives Edmund a kiss, and Edmund turns into a handsome guy.  Yay!

So, there’s a huge problem here.  Susan Lohmann is incredibly unlikable.  Yes, Edmund may look different.  But all Edmund did was invited her to his estate so that he could express his appreciation for the way the she sings his songs.  Susan claims that Edmund should have told her, in advance, about the way he looked.  Yes, Susan, God forbid someone unattractive appreciate your talent or have any talent of his own.  Seriously, Susan was the worst.

Slightly more likable is Alan Colshaw (Hugh O’Brian), a pilot who has spent a year feeling like a coward.  He was piloting a plane that crashed in the jungle.  Alan went for help and, according to the three other passengers (played by Diane Baker, James Wainwright, and Peter Lawford), he never returned and, instead, he ran off with a stash of diamonds that was on the plane.  Alan says that he is sure he didn’t intentionally desert them but he can’t remember for sure because he’s been suffering from memory loss.

Mr. Roarke gives Alan a medallion, one that will allow him and the others to see what happened when the plane crashed.  As for Alan, he brings along three white feathers, which he plans to give to each of the survivors as a way to symbolize that he’s not the coward that they think he is.  (Yes, it doesn’t make much sense to me, either.)

Lena (Diane Baker) is the first to forgive Alan.  Alan realizes that he’s in love with Lena and he tells Mr. Roarke that he wants to change his fantasy.  He just wants to spend the rest of his life with Lena.  Roarke informs Alan that he can’t do that because …. ALAN IS DEAD!  He died while trying to get help after the crash.  Alan has come back to life for the weekend so that his spirit can find peace.

That’s a pretty neat twist and, to its credit, the show sticks with it.  Alan eventually proves that he wasn’t a coward and that another one of the passengers stole the diamonds and then he vanishes into the afterlife.

“Boss,” Tattoo says, “you mean he was a …. g-g-ghost!?”

“Oh, Tattoo!” Roarke snaps, “Please do not tell me that you are prejudiced!”

Fantasy Island may be a strange place but some things — like Roarke passive aggressively attacking Tattoo — never change.

Belatedly, Here’s What Won At The Golden Globes

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Mostly because I felt like crap on Sunday night, I did not watch the Golden Globes.  In fact, I was pretty much passed out during the majority of their run time.  I woke up a few times and, whenever I checked social media, people were complaining about the host.  Apparently, he made a mild joke about Taylor Swift that Taylor didn’t like and the Swifties came for him.  Or something.  Like I said, I was sick and I was running a fever and I really wasn’t sure what day it was.

Anyway, only now have I really gotten a chance to look at the winners.  It was a good night for Oppenheimer and Poor Things, though who really knows how much influence the Globes have anymore.  I mean, last year, they weren’t even aired and no one cared.  The show has gone from being hosted by Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey to some guy who was occasionally a part of the Chelsea Lately panel. He should have known better than to make a joke about Taylor Swift.  Not even I have the guts to do that and I actually enjoy being a contrarian.

Belatedly, here are the Globe winners!

BEST MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Anatomy Of A Fall
Killers Of The Flower Moon
Maestro
Oppenheimer
Past Lives
The Zone Of Interest

BEST MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Air
American Fiction
Barbie
The Holdovers
May December
Poor Things

BEST DIRECTOR, MOTION PICTURE
Bradley Cooper – Maestro
Greta Gerwig – Barbie
Yorgos Lanthimos – Poor Things
Christopher Nolan – Oppenheimer
Martin Scorsese – Killers Of The Flower Moon
Celine Song – Past Lives

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Annette Bening – Nyad
Lily Gladstone – Killers Of The Flower Moon
Sandra Huller – Anatomy Of A Fall
Greta Lee – Past Lives
Carey Mulligan – Maestro
Cailee Spaeny – Priscilla

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
Fantasia Barrino – The Color Purple
Jennifer Lawrence – No Hard Feelings
Natalie Portman – May December
Alma Pöysti – Fallen Leaves
Margot Robbie – Barbie
Emma Stone – Poor Things

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE
Emily Blunt – Oppenheimer
Danielle Brooks – The Color Purple
Jodie Foster – Nyad
Da’Vine Joy Randolph – The Holdovers
Julianne Moore – May December
Rosamund Pike – Saltburn

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, DRAMA
Bradley Cooper – Maestro
Colman Domingo – Rustin
Leonardo DiCaprio – Killers Of The Flower Moon
Barry Keoghan – Saltburn
Cillian Murphy – Oppenheimer
Andrew Scott – All Of Us Strangers

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
Nicolas Cage – Dream Scenario
Timothee Chalamet – Wonka
Matt Damon – Air
Paul Giamatti – The Holdovers
Joaquin Phoenix – Beau Is Afraid
Jeffrey Wright – American Fiction

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN ANY MOTION PICTURE
Willem Dafoe – Poor Things
Robert De Niro – Killers Of The Flower Moon
Robert Downey Jr. – Oppenheimer
Ryan Gosling – Barbie
Charles Melton – May December
Mark Ruffalo – Poor Things

BEST SCREENPLAY, MOTION PICTURE
Anatomy Of A Fall
Barbie
Killers Of The Flower Moon
Oppenheimer
Past Lives
Poor Things

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE, MOTION PICTURE
The Boy And The Heron
Killers Of The Flower Moon
Oppenheimer
Poor Things
Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse
The Zone Of Interest

BEST ORIGINAL SONG, MOTION PICTURE
“What Was I Made For?” – Barbie
“I’m Just Ken” – Barbie
“Dance The Night” – Barbie
“Road To Freedom” – Rustin
“Addicted To Romance” – She Came To Me
“Peaches” – The Super Mario Bros. Movie

BEST MOTION PICTURE, ANIMATED
The Boy And The Heron
Elemental
Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse
The Super Mario Bros. Movie
Suzume
Wish

BEST MOTION PICTURE, FOREIGN LANGUAGE
Anatomy Of A Fall
Fallen Leaves
Io Capitano
Past Lives
Society Of The Snow
The Zone Of Interest

GOLDEN GLOBE FOR CINEMATIC & BOX OFFICE ACHIEVEMENT
Barbie
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3
John Wick: Chapter 4
Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One
Oppenheimer
Spider-Man: Across The Spider-Verse
The Super Mario Bros. Movie
Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour

BEST TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
1923
The Crown
The Diplomat
The Last of Us
The Morning Show
Succession

BEST TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL, OR COMEDY
Abbott Elementary
Barry
The Bear
Jury Duty
Only Murders in the Building
Ted Lasso

BEST LIMITED SERIES, ANTHOLOGY SERIES, OR A MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
All The Light We Cannot See
Beef
Daisy Jones and the Six
Fargo
Fellow Travelers
Lessons in Chemistry

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Helen Mirren – 1923
Bella Ramey – The Last Of Us
Keri Russell – The Diplomat
Sarah Snook – Succession
Imelda Staunton – The Crown
Emma Stone – The Curse

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Rachel Brosnahan – The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Quinta Brunson – Abbott Elementary
Ayo Edebiri – The Bear
Elle Fanning – The Great
Selena Gomez – Only Murders In The Building
Natasha Lyonne – Poker Face

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LIMITED SERIES, ANTHOLOGY SERIES, OR A MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Riley Keough – Daisy Jones and the Six
Brie Larson – Lessons in Chemistry
Elizabeth Olsen – Love And Death
Juno Temple – Fargo
Rachel Weisz – Dead Ringers
Ali Wong – Beef

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL/COMEDY, OR DRAMA
Elizabeth Debicki – The Crown
Abby Elliot – The Bear
Christina Ricci – Yellowjackets
J. Smith-Cameron – Succession
Meryl Streep – Only Murders in the Building
Hannah Waddingham – Ted Lasso

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
Brian Cox – Succession
Kieran Culkin – Succession
Gary Oldman – Slow Horses
Pedro Pascal – The Last of Us
Jeremy Strong – Succession
Dominic West – The Crown

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Bill Hader – Barry
Steve Martin – Only Murders in the Building
Jason Segel – Shrinking
Martin Short – Only Murders in the Building
Jason Sudeikis – Ted Lasso
Jeremy Allen White – The Bear

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LIMITED SERIES, ANTHOLOGY SERIES, OR A MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Matt Bomer – Fellow Travelers
Sam Claflin – Daisy Jones and the Six
Jon Hamm – Fargo
Woody Harrelson – White House Plumbers
David Oyelowo – Lawmen: Bass Reeves
Steven Yeun – Beef

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A TELEVISION SERIES, MUSICAL/COMEDY, OR DRAMA
Billy Crudup – The Morning Show
Matthew Macfadyen – Succession
James Marsden – Jury Duty
Ebon Moss-Bachrach – The Bear
Alan Ruck – Succession
Alexander Skarsgård – Succession

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A STAND-UP COMEDY ON TELEVISION
Ricky Gervais – Ricky Gervais: Armageddon
Trevor Noah – Trevor Noah: Where Was I
Chris Rock – Chris Rock: Selective Outrage
Amy Schumer – Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact
Sarah Silverman – Sarah Silverman: Someone You Love
Wanda Sykes – Wanda Sykes: I’m an Entertainer

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.9 “Hustle”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch gets bowling fever!

Episode 1.9 “Hustle”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on November 24th, 1977)

Life is a hustle when you work for the California Highway Patrol.

Ponch and Baker deal with a lot of things over the course of this episode.  While pursuing two motorcycle riders who are suspected of holding up a grocery store, Ponch gets a cigarette tossed on him by a passing motorist.  The suspects turn out to be two women who were just out for an afternoon ride.  They seem to be pretty amused by the whole thing, despite the fact that Baker roughly frisked them as soon as they pulled over.  Luckily, the sight of the hole that was left on Ponch’s uniform by the cigarette (and the boxers underneath) gives everyone an excuse to laugh.

This is not the best time for Ponch to have a wardrobe malfunction because he’s due in court.  Ponch gave a ticket to Sidney Engelhart (Marty Ingels) but Sidney claims that the only person who is guilty of reckless driving is Ponch.  Sidney tries to prove his point by basically stalking Ponch while he does his job.

While Ponch deals with his stalker, Baker pulls over a car being driven by veteran screen actor Broderick Crawford.  Ponch is totally excited to see Crawford but Baker is fairly nonchalant about the whole thing.  When his pen runs out of ink, Baker borrows Crawford’s gold fountain pen and then forgets to return it to the actor, which leads to Baker getting called out at the next morning briefing.

Meanwhile, there’s a huge car accident that leads to Ponch and Baker saving a mother and her baby from a live electrical wire.  Baker also pulls over a man driving a car that only has three wheels and, of course, there are the grocery store robbers to deal with.

And yet, for everything going on, Ponch’s main concern remains the department’s bowling tournament.  As has been a consistent theme so far during the first season of CHiPs, Ponch’s main concern continues to be doing things that don’t have much to do with his actual job.  Whereas Baker comes across as if nothing makes him happier than writing a speeding ticket, Ponch often seems to view policework as something to do until something better comes along.  On the one hand, this does not make Ponch a particularly effective cop.  We’re only 9 episodes into the series and I’ve lost count of the number of times that he’s had to go back to the trailer park to change his uniform.  On the other hand, it is probably a realistic portrayal of how most people view their jobs.  Ponch does enough to get by.

As for the episode itself, this was another “day-in-the-life” style episode.  So far, the first season of CHiPs has been dominated by rather loose plotting.  Ponch and Baker just ride and see what type of trouble they can find on the highways.  As for the bowling subplot, Baker turns out to be a surprisingly competent bowler and Ponch plots to win a lot of money from his fellow officers.  But then Baker sprains his bowling fingers and it looks like Ponch is once again out of a small fortune.  Poor Ponch, he is fortune’s fool!

(I actually have gone bowling a few times.  I’m not any good at it but I’ve been told that the important thing is to jump up and down regardless of what happens.)

This Hustle, I would give a solid B.  The scenery was nice.  There was an exciting motorcycle chase at the start of the show.  The episode was a pleasant-enough diversion, albeit not one that leaves a huge impression afterwards.

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 1.17 “The Maze”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

It was not easy but I managed to rouse myself from my sickbed long enough to stumble into my home office so I could watch and review this week’s episode of Miami Vice!

Episode 1.17 “The Maze”

(Dir by Tim Zinnemann, originally aired on February 22nd, 1985)

This episode of Miami Vice gets off to a good start, with an exciting and, even by the standards of today, surprisingly violent shoot-out in downtown Miami.  The shoot-out leaves one cop dead, one partner embittered, and Crockett and Tubbs looking for the perpetrators, the Escobars.  As Tubbs explains it, the Escobars were strictly small-timers but it appears that they’ve recently gotten out of prison and now they are trying to make a name for themselves in Miami.

The search for the Escobars leads Crockett and Tubbs to a seemingly abandoned apartment building that has been nicknamed “The Maze.”  The Escobars have taken over the building and now, the handful of people who were previously living in the Maze are virtual hostages.  With the police surrounding the Maze, Tubbs decides to go undercover as a drifter who just happens to drop by the Maze in search of a place to stay.  Of course, no sooner has Tubbs entered into the Maze then a renegade cop named Duryea (Jay O. Sanders) decides to rush the building himself and the police are forced to reveal themselves.  Realizing that they’re surrounded, the Escobars demand a helicopter to the Bahamas and $10,000.  (Personally, I think they should have just asked for the helicopter.  People will give up helicopters much quicker than money.)  They hold every person in the building hostage, including Tubbs.

As I previously mentioned while reviewing T and T, I’m not a fan of shows that center around hostage situations, largely because they almost always end up being dramatically inert.  There’s only so many times that you can watch a sweaty criminal demand a helicopter before you get bored with listening to him.  That is certainly the case here.  The show gets off to a good start and even the scenes with Tubbs breaking into the Maze and pretending to be a Jamaican drifter had some flair to them.  But once the tense hostage situation started up, I got bored.  I appreciated the fact that the Escobars, as opposes to being hardened criminals, were really just as scared as the people they were holding hostage but otherwise, this episode was just a bit too slow for me.

That said, this episode does feature Breakin 2‘s Adolfo ‘Shabba-Doo’ Quinones as a dancing informant, early performances from Joe Morton and Ving Rahmes, and a really cool moment where Tubbs smirks and says, “Nobody’s going to the Bahamas.”  Even a lesser episode of Miami Vice still had style to burn.

Retro Television Reviews: Death Cruise (dir by Ralph Senesky)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1977’s Death Cruise!  It  can be viewed on Tubi and YouTube.

The thing with the Love Boat is that it promises something for everyone.  It’s a place where you set a course for adventure and put your mind on a new romance.

The same cannot be said of the Death Cruise.

Death Cruise opens with three couples winning an all-expenses paid trip on a luxury liner.  None of the couples are in a happy marriage.  Sylvia Carter (Polly Bergen) is tired of her husband, Jerry (Richard Long), and his philandering ways.  Elizabeth Mason (Celeste Holm) is frustrated with David Mason (Tom Bosley) and his loud dinner jackets.  Mary Frances Radney (Kate Jackson) is fed up with James (Edward Albert) and his smug refusal to start a family.  Of course, it’s not just martial problems that connects these passengers.  It’s also the fact that someone on the boat is stalking and killing them, one-by-one.  Can Dr. Burke (Michael Constantine) and Captain Vettori (Cesare Danova) track down the killer before it’s too late?

Death Cruise is an enjoyably twisty little murder mystery.  It aired in 1974, a good two years before the first Love Boat pilot film appeared on television.  However, both Death Cruise and The Love Boat were produced by Aaron Spelling so the two productions definitely have a shared DNA.  The Love Boat is basically Death Cruise with the addition of a laugh track and considerably less murder.  That said, I have my doubts as to whether Doc Bricker would have been as effective a detective as Dr. Burke.

One of the most interesting things about Death Cruise is how little anyone on the boat really seems to care about the fact that the passengers are turning up dead.  In fact, one widower is asking a widow to be his date to dinner within a few hours of the deaths of their spouses.  Of course, the murderer makes sure that dinner date is canceled but it’s still hard not to wonder whatever happened to an appropriate time of grieving.  Then again, I guess if you’re on a boat for a weekend, you just do whatever feels right at the moment.

(And certainly, if they were on The Love Boat, the walking HR nightmares that was Doc Bricker wouldn’t have wasted any time asking the widows to come by his office for a examination.)

Of the victims and suspects, Richard Long and Edward Albert are memorably sleazy while Tom Bosley plays up just how annoyed he is with the whole situation.  Michael Constantine is a good detective and the movie’s final twist is nicely executed.  Personally, when it comes to cruises, I will always prefer the safety and romance of The Love Boat but Death Cruise was an entertaining nautical diversion.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out! 1.13 “Love Is A Many Splendored Alf”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, my favorite character returns!

Episode 1.13 “Love Is A Many Splendored Alf”

(Dir by John Bell, originally aired on January 8th, 1986)

Viker’s back!

Played by Gordon Clapp, Viker is the store’s electrician.  He’s only appeared in a handful of episodes this season, though Wikipedia says that he’ll become a regular during season 2.  Viker is one of the best characters on the show.  Technically, he’s the goofy dumb guy but what makes Viker special is that, while he’s definitely goofy, he’s not really that dumb.  Viker can put his thoughts together, it’s just that he put them together differently than everyone around him.  Viker lives in a world of his own, one that has its own peculiar set of rules.  Alone amongst all the characters on the show, Viker is always honest and tries to directly answer every question that he’s asked.  For instance, when Howard asks him if he has an idea as to what is making the store’s light flicker on and off, Viker replies, “Yes,” and leaves it at that.  Howard, after all, didn’t ask him what the idea is.

Viker is at the store because Cobb’s is having electrical problems.  The lights are flickering on and off.  (It takes Viker a few minutes to notice because, as he explains, his blinking his synchronized with the flickering.)  The cash registers are humming.  The refrigerator in the break room has broken down.  The store’s freezer also breaks down, leading 800 pounds of melted ice cream and a bunch of TV dinner rotting in an alley.  Can Viker figure out what the problem is?

No, of course, he can’t.  Fortunately, Alf the Security Guard can.  When Alf gives the broken refrigerator a good slap, the refrigerator comes back to life and the lights stop flickering.  So, I guess it was all the refrigerator’s fault!  To be honest, I don’t know much about how things are wired in most stores but …. well, let’s just go with it.

Alf …. poor Alf!  Alf has a tough week in this episode.  Edna sets Alf up on a date with her friend Helen (Nonnie Griffith).  Helen likes that Alf is a plain-spoken, blue collar guy.  Helen is less impressed when Alf gets drunk on their date and tries to crack open his escargot.  She is especially not happy when he pours a pitcher of water on the flambé.  After the disastrous date, Alf is convinced that he’ll never see Helen again.  Fortunately, for Alf, Helen just happens to be in the store when he gets the refrigerator working and basically saves everyone’s job.  Helen is impressed enough to give Alf a second chance.  Awwwww!

(In other words, it’s a good thing Viker couldn’t figure out what the problem was!)

As far as this episode goes, I never really believed that Helen would have been attracted to Alf in the first place so that story kind of fell flat.  And seriously, if you’re dating a guy because you like how direct and blue collar he is, what are you thinking serving him escargot and flambé?  But I was happy to see Viker again and I appreciated that this was an episode where everyone in the store acted as eccentrically as possible.  Check It Out! works best when it leans into absurdism.