Happy 100th Birthday Robert Mitchum!: THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER (United Artists 1955)

Posted on August 6, 2017 by gary loggins

Regular readers know I’m a big fan of Big Bob Mitchum, having covered nine of his classic films. The self-effacing Mitchum always downplayed his talents in interviews, but his easy-going, naturalistic style and uncanny ear for dialect made him one of the screen’s most watchable stars. Whether a stoic film noir anti-hero, a rugged soldier fighting WWII, a romantic lead, or a malevolent villain, Mitchum always delivered the goods. Last night I watched THE NIGHT OF THE HUNTER for the first time, and his performance as the murderous ‘Reverend’ Harry Powell just zoomed to the top of my list of marvelous Mitchum performances.

Mitchum’s Powell is totally amoral and totally crazy, a sociopathic killer who talks to God about killing women, those “perfume smelling things, lacy things, things with curly hair” that The Lord hates, according to Harry. He’s sexually repressed to the point he must murder in the name of God to…

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A Movie A Day #209: Assassination (1987, directed by Peter R. Hunt)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

Charles Bronson, man.

Long before Clint Eastwood starred in In The Line of Fire, Charles Bronson played an over the hill secret service agent in Assassination. Having just returned to active service after a six month leave of absence, Jay Killian (Charles Bronson), thinks that he is going to be assigned back to the presidential detail. Instead, he is given the job that no one wants. Jay is assigned to protect the first lady, Lara Craig (Jill Ireland, Bronson’s real-life wife).

Lara is a handful. Every one tells Killian that she is “even worse than Nancy.” (This running joke probably played better in 1987. If Assassination had been released ten years later, Lara would have been described as being “even worse than Hillary.”) Lara does not like being told what she can and cannot do. When she refuses to follow Killian’s orders not to ride in a convertible, she ends up getting a black eye when a motorcycle crashes and Killian instinctively throws her to the floor. Lara may not like Killian but when, she is targeted by a notorious terrorist (Erik Stern), she will have to learn to trust him. Her life depends on it, especially when it becomes clear that the order to have her killed is coming from inside the White House. It turns out that the President has been impotent for years. That may not have troubled Lara before but now Killian is showing her that a real man looks like Charles Bronson. A divorced president will never be reelected. A widowed president, on the other hand…

Assassination was one of the last films that Bronson made for Cannon. It’s never as wild as Murphy’s Law, Kinjite, or many of Bronson’s other Cannon films but it is always interesting to watch Bronson acting opposite of Ireland. Bronson famously did not get along with many people but he loved Ireland and that was something that always came through in the 15 movies that they made together. Whenever Bronson and Ireland acted opposite each other, Bronson actually seemed to be enjoying himself. And while it may be subdued when compared to his other Cannon films, Assassination provides just enough scenes of Bronson being Bronson.

Who other than Bronson could tell his much younger girlfriend that, because of her, he might “die of terminal orgasm?”

Who other than Bronson could drive around a motorcycle with machine gun turrets and execute a jump that would put his old co-star Steve McQueen to shame?

Who other than Bronson could use a bazooka to kill one man and then smile about it?

Charles Bronson, man. No offense to Bruce Willis, who will be trying to step into Bronson’s gigantic shoes with the upcoming Death Wish remake, but nobody did it better than Bronson.

Let’s Talk About Trailer Park Shark (dir by Griff Furst)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh hell yeah!

Listen, if you ever find yourself being unexpectedly menaced by a shark, you’re going to want a redneck around. Trust me on this. I may not be one myself but I’ve grown up around rednecks and I feel a lot safer around them than I do with sensitive types from up north. Seriously, if you’re under shark attack, who do you want protecting you? A guy with a gun and a cooler full of beer or someone who drives a Prius? Elon Musk may be smarter but, when it comes to sharks, Trace Adkins is going to be more helpful.

The other great thing about rednecks is that there’s nothing that they can’t do with duct tape. Give a redneck enough duct tape and a weather satellite and I guarantee that he’ll find a way to stop climate change. There’s a name for that: redneck ingenuity.

When I was watching Trailer Park Shark on Wednesday night, I was impressed with the amount of duct tape on display. As the main character, a redneck played by Thomas Ian Nicholas, was using duct tape to solve yet another problem, I tweeted that I was enjoying the music playing in the background. To me, it sounded like something that Ennio Morricone would have come up with for a spaghetti western. It fit the scene perfectly because Trailer Park Shark is a film that make duct tape feel just as epic as the final cemetery confrontation in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Andrew Morgan Smith, who did excellent work on the film’s score, informed me that the musical cue was called “Redneck Ingenuity.”

That’s a perfect name because, while Trailer Park Shark is about a lot of things, it is ultimately a celebration of redneck ingenuity and the never-give-up attitude of life in the Southern bayou. The characters in Trailer Park Shark have a lot to deal with. Because of a freak rains storm and some evil plotting by mean old Mr. Deconnard (Dennis Haskins), their trailer park has been flooded. And with the flood has come a shark! It would be easy to give up, especially when people and horses start getting eaten. But no one surrenders to fate! No one gives up!

It’s a lot of fun, as any movie about a shark attacking a trailer park should be. All of the characters in the park are memorable in their redneck way. Even with the majority of the park underwater and neighbors getting eaten left and right, they’re still just as likely to be fighting each other as they are the shark. While I personally have never lived in a trailer park, I’ve lived close to a few and I’ve spent a few nights visiting and this film gets the atmosphere just right. Griff Furst, who is something of a specialist when it comes to bayou chaos, brings this location to life. From the very first tracking shot to the film’s action-packed finale, the bayou feels alive. You can easily imagine this location and these people existing long before the cameras started rolling. The relationships feel real.

Speaking of feeling real, I always suspected that Dennis Haskins had the ability to play a really evil character. Seriously, go watch the earliest episodes of Saved By The Bell and you’ll see some hints of darkness underneath Mr. Belding’s goofy exterior. That said, Haskins does such a good job playing this film’s villain that you eventually forget that you’re watching Mr. Belding threatening to kill people. Instead, he’s just a very bad man with an interesting preference in weapons.

(Speaking of weapons, Tara Reid also shows up, playing a trailer park resident who has a wide variety of weapons at her disposal. Though her role is small, her appearance allows for some playful poking at the Sharknado franchise.)

I liked Trailer Park Shark. It’s a blast of pure entertainment and my favorite of the recent SyFy shark movies. Since SyFy reruns everything a hundred times, keep an eye out for it!

Watch it in honor of the rednecks who keep us safe from sharks, often at the cost of life, limb, and satellite dish.

Let’s Talk About Mississippi River Sharks (dir by Misty Talley)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh my God — sharks in the Mississippi River!?

Hey, why not? Listen, SyFy has been showing shark films for over four years straight now. We’ve had zombie sharks. We’ve had toxic sharks. We had a ghost shark. We’ve had a planet of the sharks. The sharks have taken over the oceans. They’ve taken over the jersey shore. There’s even a movie called Sand Sharks, in which the sharks take over the beach! And, let’s not forget that SyFy and the Asylum have built an entire franchise around the idea that sharks can survive in a tornado. (And I haven’t even mentioned what happens in Shark Exorcist.)

My point is that there are a lot of shark movies and, as a result, the sharks are having to branch out and explore new aquatic territory. It was inevitable that the sharks would eventually find their way to the Mississippi River.

As soon as I saw the title of this movie, I thought to myself, “Please tell me that this movie will open with a big old riverboat getting attacked by sharks.” You can imagine how happy I was when, less than five minutes into the film, that’s exactly what happened. When you’re watching a movie on SyFy and you see a bunch of CGI sharks jumping onto the deck of a riverboat and snapping off people’s heads, you know you’re in a good hands. You know you’re going to be properly entertained for the next two hours.

Really, when it comes to shark movies, all you really need are the sharks and some victims who, for whatever reason, refuse to stay out of the water. However, Mississippi River Sharks offers a bit more than that. After the sharks get finished with that riverboat, they move on down the Mississippi and attack a small town’s annual “fish rodeo.” Needless to say, a fish rodeo always tends to attract the most eccentric among us and this one is no different. For instance, there’s Possum (Kevin J. McGrath), who isn’t going to let a little thing like a shark attack stand in the way of his quest to win a trophy. There’s Big Bill (Marco St. John), who owns the local car dealership and who doesn’t see why the presence of a few sharks should stand in the way of making a little money. There’s Wyatt (Dean West), who has a way with a quip and quickly emerged as a favorite of the viewing audience. And then there’s Tara (played by Cassie Steele, star of both Degrassi and Zombie Shark) who quickly shows that she knows just how to deal with ill-tempered sharks.

Finally, there’s Jason London, playing the role of …. Jason London! That’s right, Jason London plays himself in Mississippi River Sharks. In the film’s universe, Jason is well-known for starring in multiple editions of the Shark Bite franchise. (“We don’t talk about Shark Bite 3!” Jason snaps.) When Jason accepted the invitation to be the fish rodeo’s special celebrity guest, he never realized that he would have to face real-life sharks! However, when those sharks do arrive, this movie hero proves himself to be … well, not much of a hero. Watch the movie to see what happens. I’ll just say that London is hilarious and it’s a lot of fun to watch him pretending to be a pretentious and stuck-up movie star. He delivers his lines with just the right amount of weary annoyance.

(And yes, there is a Jeremy London joke but I won’t spoil it.)

(Also, it’s mentioned that Jason London also starred in Here Comes Santa Jaws and Raiders of the Lost Shark. Seriously, somebody needs to make these two films.)

Now that the sharks have invaded the Mississippi River, where will the sharks show up next year? Well, just remember this — the Mississippi River is the biggest river in the United States. Those sharks could end up anywhere. Personally, I’m hoping for Minnesota Winter Sharks.

We’ll see what happens!

Windmills of Your Mind: Alfred Hitchcock’s FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT (United Artists 1940)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by gary loggins

cracked rear viewer

(When Maddy Loves Her Classic Films invited me to join in on the Alfred Hitchcock Blogathon, I jumped at the chance! I’ve just completed the Ball State/TCM 50 YEARS OF HITCHCOCK course, and have been knee-deep in his movies for a month now!)

Alfred Hitchcock’s second American film found the Master of Suspense back in the spy game with FORGEIGN CORRESPONDENT, this time with American star Joel McCrea caught up in those familiar “extraordinary circumstances” we’ve all come to love. Like REBECCA that same year, this film was nominated for Best Picture, an extraordinary circumstance indeed for a director new to these shores. Offhand I can only think of three other directors to hold that distinction – John Ford (also in ’40), Sam Wood (1942), and Francis Ford Coppola (1974). Good company, to say the least! (And please correct me if I’m wrong, any of you film fans out there).

Crime beat reporter…

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Circus Kane: Preview, Review and posters

Posted on August 5, 2017 by paddiesthoughts

Just be warned this movie review might not be safe for work! Read at your own discretion!

Let the games begin!

Circus Kane

Let’s get the technicals out of the way:

Studio: Uncork’d Entertainment
Director: Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray
Cast : Jonathan Lipnicki, Mark Christopher Lawrence, Nicole Fox, Jonathan Nation, Mike Jerome Putnam, Scott Thomas Reynolds, Bill Voorhees

Preview:

The notorious and disgraced circus master, Balthazar Kane, invites an unsuspecting group of social media stars to the revival of his CIRCUS KANE by promising $250,000 to any of them who can make it through the night. Kane’s true plan quickly proves to be far more sinister as the contestants realize more than money is on the line. The group must fight for their lives to escape Kane’s demented house of horrors.

Jonathan Lipnicki (Jerry Maguire) and Mark Christopher Lawrence (Cooties) head up the cast of Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray’s fantastic frighthouse Circus Kane, on VOD this September.

James Cullen Bressack and Zack Ward scripted, based on a story by Sean Sellars. Gerald Webb, Christopher Ray and James Cullen Bressack produce.

Review:

For 250K? What would you do? Step right up…or not? Save your friend…or not?

Admittedly I have coulrophobia: I am fracking scared of clowns! It took me several days to watch this movie; and I am not sure I am still okay! I tried to watch ‘Circus Kane’ over a several day time slot. Several days in fact. After a brief viewing I posted a short review; but this will be my final one.

Here are you some stills if you want to look at them:

clown2

download

Would I recommend this movie?

On my horror scale of 1-5

4.5 (and watch with your eyes closed!)

Here is is the trailer:

If you are a horror freak:

Circus Kane will be available on September 8th, 2017 on VOD

And to the Actors, Director and Executive Producers that follow me, I just want to say a big “Fuck you” for scaring me to death! Not sure I will ever sleep again! But love you all!

Now, Who wants to cuddle?

clouwn

Oh, and Deinstiutionalized, I see you!

deistitutal

Let’s Talk About 5 Headed Shark Attack (dir by Nico De Leon)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

From our friends at the Asylum, here comes a movie about … well, it’s right there in the title.

This is a movie about a 5-Headed Shark. Now, I have to admit that, when this film premiered on SyFy last Sunday, my friends and I were a little confused as we watched. While it was true that the shark had multiple heads, we only counted four heads. That certainly made it superior to a mere 3-headed shark but still, we felt somewhat cheated. We were promised five heads!

Well, we should never have doubted the Asylum. Regardless of whether you get the Asylum’s sense of humor or not (and I happen to love it), this is a studio that always delivers exactly what it promises. The title promised us five heads and eventually, that fifth head did pop up. The reason why it took us a while to notice the fifth head was because it was actually on the back of the shark. That’s right. The shark had four heads in front and one head in back. For those of us watching, that fifth head quickly became something of a folk hero. We not only felt sorry for that head but we worried about whether it was getting enough to eat. It seemed like the front four heads were gobbling up all the divers while the fifth head had to settle for scraps.

Myself, I’m just wondering what’s going to happen when the inevitable 7-headed Shark Attack is released? Eventually, things are going to start to get a bit crowded on that shark.

Obviously, it takes a lot to feed a 5 Headed Shark. Fortunately, the island of Puerto Rico is always full of scientists, tourists, and people who just felt like wearing a bikini for the day. (Perhaps that’s why, along with a 5 headed shark, Puerto Rico also had to deal with a toxic shark this year. And who knows what’s going to happen when the latest Sharknado hits?) The 5 Headed Shark is constantly popping out of the ocean and eating anyone stupid or silly enough to get in the way. It even manages to take out a helicopter. It’s not an Asylum film unless at least one helicopter is blown up.

Some people, of course, aren’t happy about having a 5 headed shark eating everyone. Two police officers — apparently, the only two in Puerto Rico — get on a boat and search the ocean for it. And then there’s the staff of a nearby aquarium. The head of the aquarium would love to add a 5 headed shark to the collection so, of course, he and a scientist and a group of interns set sail for adventure and carnage. Helping them out is Red (Chris Bruno), who hunts all sorts of things and who just happens to have enough weapons lying around that he could probably invade a nearby island and set himself up as a dictator. Red owns a boat but you know what?

HE’S GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT!

Yes, that’s a Jaws reference. 5 Headed Shark Attack was full of them, as all Asylum shark movies are. That’s one reason why these movies are so much fun to watch. It’s a bit of a challenge, trying to catch all the references and shout outs. Asylum films, like this one, are always wonderfully meta. All of the characters in 5 Headed Shark Attack appear to be aware that they’re characters in a B-movie and they all accept their assigned roles and fate with proper enthusiasm. It’s pure entertainment and, as a result, a lot of fun to watch. It’s movie that encourages you to worry about nothing more than having a good time and maybe a few laughs.

In short, this is a movie that delivers exactly what it promises. The movie says it’s going to give you a 5 Headed Shark and that’s what you get.

Let’s Talk About Toxic Shark (dir by Cole Sharpe)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh Hell yeah!

This past week has been Shark Week on SyFy! On Sunday, SyFy is going to premiere the latest Sharknado movie. As always, in the days before the latest chapter in the Sharknado saga, SyFy has been showing other shark-related films. Of course, my friends and I have been watching and live-tweeting all of these films. What makes the experience especially fun is that, often times, the filmmakers themselves will join in and tweet along with us. It’s a wonderful reminder that watching an original movie on SyFy should always be a community experience.

Take Toxic Shark for instance…

Toxic Shark premiered on Thursday night and I had a blast watching it. Need proof? Check out my tweets. But what made Toxic Shark especially fun was that I was watching it with my friends, a group of movie lovers who call themselves the Snarkalecs. We’ve been watching movies on SyFy since …. well, since forever. I joined them in 2011 but they were watching movies together before I even showed up. Even better, members of the cast and crew, including producer Neil Elman and editor Don Money, joined in the live tweet. Toxic Shark is an audience participation film. This is a movie for people who want to have a good time with their snarkiest and funniest friends. If you’re not talking back to the screen while watching Toxic Shark, you’re doing it wrong.

Toxic Shark is a film that, in many ways, centers around friendship. Two groups of friends are looking forward to relaxing at a singles retreat in Puerto Rico. Unfortunately, things don’t go quite as smoothly as you might hope. For one thing, it turns out that the retreat is being run by Reese (Eric Etebari, giving a hilarious performance), who is one of those people who you dread meeting at the gym. Along with that, local fisherman are disappearing. One of the singles, Ryan (Owen Saxon), worries over whether his shirt is too tight or not tight enough. (That might not sound like a big deal but he was quite concerned about it.) Body parts are washing up on the beach. Eden (Kabby Borders) is shocked to discover that her ex-boyfriend, Sam (Bryce Durfee), just happens to be at the retreat. Something attacks Gabby (Cirstina Jayo) when she goes out into the ocean. A yoga class get eaten. It may not be as bad as Fyre Festival but still…

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to mention the biggest problem at the retreat. There is this giant shark that keeps jumping out the ocean and eating people. Seriously, that’ll ruin any vacation. But it’s not just that the shark is really big and fast. This shark has also become toxic! It can not only bite you in half but it can spew toxic waste on you as well…

But that’s not all! The bite of this shark also turns its victims into zombies! Yes, you read that correctly. Assuming you don’t accidentally get killed by Reese, there’s always the chance that the shark will eat you. And, if the shark doesn’t get you, the zombies will…

I mean, seriously, how can you not love that? Toxic Shark is a blast of pure chaotic fun, featuring beautiful beach scenery, hot people in swimsuits, and a kickass musical score. Everyone appears to be having a ball, running from sharks and turning into zombies. Kabby Borders and Bryce Durfee make for a likable couple (even when they’re arguing) and the rest of the cast strikes the perfect balance between horror and comedy. I especially liked the performance of Owen Saxon as the somewhat dim but well-meaning Ryan. There was something touching about how concerned he was about whether or not his shirt was too tight.

Toxic Shark was a lot of fun. If you get a chance, be sure to catch it!

Just don’t let the shark catch you…

Film Review: Close Calls (dir by Richard Stringham)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, I was lucky enough to get a chance to see a new independent horror film called Close Calls.

When Close Calls begins, the first image that appears on the screen is of a VHS tape. Even though it’s just a part of the logo for S & Drive Cinema, that VHS tape is exactly the right image to start this film off with. Close Calls is a throwback to the horror films of the late 70s and the early 80s. It’s a film that pays homage to the old slasher and haunted house films that, though they may not have had a huge budget, did have an abundance of atmosphere, shocks, and out-of-control plot twists. I always love a good homage so, as soon as I saw that VHS tape, I was excited to see what would follow.

Teenager Morgan MacKenzie (Jordan Phipps) has her own very good reasons for being upset with the world in general. She is still struggling to deal with the death of her mother, something that is not made any easier by the fact that her father, David (Kristof Waltermire), is now dating the bitchy Brynn (Carmen Patterson). (Morgan describes Brynn as being a “steaming pile of bitch.”) She lives in a really nice house but, due to her rebellious attitude and her casual drug use, her father has grounded her and refuses to trust her. (When he hears Morgan swear, he snaps, “If I was to cuss at my dad the way that you do, he would have beat the shit out of me!” That’s the kind of father that David is.) Whenever David leaves the house, he takes Morgan’s phone with him. Morgan is literally a prisoner in the house, with her only company being her rather strange grandmother (Janis Duley). Grandma spend her time upstairs, occasionally ringing a bell to let Morgan know that she needs something.

Close Calls takes place over one very eventful night in Morgan’s life. As soon as her father abandons her so that he can go on a date with Brynn, odd things start to happen. Grandma starts to act strange and, despite writing a reminder on her inner thigh, Morgan keeps forgetting to take her pills upstairs. As a storm brews outside, Morgan hears a voice from the past, whispering to her. Pictures in the house start to change, as once happy photographs are changed into images of grief and pain. The landline phone rings and, every time that Morgan answers, she hears a voice making threats. A friend drops by, insisting that Morgan try a new drug. Even worse, a man named Barry (Greg Fallon) shows up at her front door. He says that he works for Morgan’s father and he just wants to come in out of the rain. He seems okay, until he smiles what may be the most evil smile ever. Morgan may have a shoebox of cocaine hidden in her closet but that’s not going to be as much help as you might think. It’s going to be a long, dangerous, and twist-filled night. When I say twist-filled, I’m not being hyperbolic. In the tradition of a 70s giallo, Close Calls is full of unexpected plot developments. At first, Morgan may seem paranoid but, as the film progresses, it becomes obvious that she has good reason for that paranoia.

Close Calls definitely had an Italian horror feel to it, which is one of the reasons why I enjoyed it. When the camera is stalking through the house, I was reminded of two Lamberto Bava films, A Blade In The Dark and Delirium. (The house’s swimming pool even reminded me of the pool where so much of the action in Delirium took place.) A few of the more surreal scenes were tinted and lit in a way that reminded me of the scenes of Jessica Harper exploring the dance school in Suspiria. For that matter, the film’s final scenes reminded me of something from Lucio Fulci’s Beyond trilogy. Much like those films, Close Call frequently feels as if it’s a filmed nightmare. The atmosphere is dream-like and frequently surreal. In the tradition of the best of Italian horror, the story is sometimes less important than the way it’s told. As well, director Richard Stringham deserves a lot of credit for including a drug trip sequence that actually feels authentic.

(Also of note: Rocky Gray’s score. It’s a throwback to the wonderfully creepy and ominous horror music of the 70s and 80s. Goblin would be proud.)

For a film like this to work, you have to a sympathetic lead and Jordan Phipps gives a wonderfully empathetic performance as Morgan, making her a sympathetic character even when she’s snorting cocaine and talking about how much she hates having to take care of her grandmother. Phipps commits the role, giving an intense and believable performance. Janis Duley also does well as grandma, constantly making you wonder whether she’s just a senile old lady or if there’s something more sinister about her quirks. Finally, Greg Fallon is appropriately sinister as Barry, keeping us off-balance as to what his true intentions are.

Close Calls is definitely a film for horror fans to keep an eye out for, especially horror fans who like a film that keeps you guessing. If you get a chance to see it, take that chance.

Late Night Cable Review: Cinderella’s Hot Night (2017, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Valerie Troutman

Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.

You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.

The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.

Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.

The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.

In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.

Why does he have that?

Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.

Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.

Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.

That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.

They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.

If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.

By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.

Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.

What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.

Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).

They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.

Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.

And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.

Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.

Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.

Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…

grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.

It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.

I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.

The next morning, they make an immigration joke…

before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.

To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.

They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.

After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…

we see an Instagram photo…

and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.

Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.

Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.

Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.

That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.

It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

I have two problems with this scene.

The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.

Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.

We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.

“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.

Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.

Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.

Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.

I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?

Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.

She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.

Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.

He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.

They live happily ever after.

Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”

And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.

That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.

This one is about average.