Lisa Marie Gets Brave (dir. by Mark Andrews)


I want to make one thing very clear before I start this review:

I LOVED BRAVE!

Okay, now that that’s out of the way…

2011 was something of a disappointing year for me because it was the year that I discovered that the people at Pixar Studios are as fallible as any other filmmaker.  Cars 2 was cute but, ultimately, rather forgettable and it was the first Pixar movie that failed to move me tears.  Certainly, Cars 2 was not a terrible film but, when it comes to Pixar, moviegoers just naturally expect more and it was difficult to watch those expectations dashed.

Well, last night, I saw this year’s offering from Pixar, a little film called Brave. I’m happy to say that Pixar has redeemed itself from Cars 2.  I loved Brave.  It not only kept me entertained but it made me cry as well.  In short, Brave is a film that earns its place in the Pixar library.

Set in a beautifully animated version of the Scottish highlands, Brave tells the story of Merida (voiced, quite brilliantly, by Kelly MacDonald), the red-haired daughter of King Fergus (Billy Connolly) and Queen Elinor (Emma Thompson).  Merida takes after her extroverted, stubborn father and can’t understand why her refined mother isn’t as enthusiastic as Merida is about things like archery, hunting, and exploring the wilderness. 

When Merida finds that, by tradition, she is to be married off to the first-born son of one of the kingdom’s three lords, she devises a plan to prove just how unfair this practice is to her.  She announces that the winner of an Archery competition shall be her suitor,  However, during the actual competition, Merida announces that she will compete “for her own hand” and proceeds to out-shoot all three of her moronic suitors.  After an argument with an enraged Elinor, Merida flees the castle in tears. 

Merida eventually meets a witch (voiced in perfect busy-body style by Julie Walters) who offers to cast a spell that will change Elinor.  Merida impulsively agrees and then returns to the castle where Elinor is eventually transformed into a gigantic bear.

I have to admit that Brave nearly lost me when Elinor turned into that bear.  Pixar’s trademark has always been that they make animated films that feel like live-action films and Elinor’s transformation felt almost too predictably cartoonish.  However, as close as the film came to losing me at that moment, the important thing is that it didn’t.  That’s due to both the impeccable animation (which managed to give the bear some very recognizable Elinor-like facial expressions) and the strength of Kelly MacDonald’s  vocal performance, which brings a true sense of reality to a very unreal situation.

(Perhaps my favorite moment was when Merida hastily explained to her three younger brothers, “Mum’s turned into a bear but it’s not my fault!”  That’s exactly the same thing I would have said if I had been responsible for turning my mom into a bear.  And yes, I have to admit that as a stubborn redhead, I very much identified with Merida throughout the entire film.)

Merida and the Elinor Bear flee from the castle (and from King Fergus who doesn’t know that the bear is actually Elinor and who is known as the Bear-killer) and start to bond as Merida tries to find a way to turn Elinor back into a human being.  It was here that Brave turned into a rather emotional experience for me and it didn’t take long for the tears to come.  (What’s a Pixar film without plenty of tears?)  So much of Brave hit home for me, from Merida’s desire to be independent to her complicated relationship with her mom and the fear and regret that she feels when she realizes that she might lose her mom forever.  Like the best fairy tales, Brave uses a fantastic situation to tell a story about some very basic and simple human truths. 

Whenever you review an animated film, there always seems to be one question that has to be answered: will boring old adults get as much out of the film as kids?  Well, I know that I certainly enjoyed it but I’m not sure if I’m ready to admit to being an adult.  The main thing to remember about Brave is that it’s not Toy Story 3 and it’s not Up.  At the same time, it’s not Cars 2 either.  Instead, it’s a heartfelt film for kids (and girls, especially) that won’t transform adults into bears. 

Finally, I have to note that between Brave and the Hunger Games, 2012 is turning out to be a pretty good year for girl power.  For once, we’re actually seeing films where girls can be heroes without being cast as either emotionally damaged refugees (like in the David Fincher version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) or as perpetual virgins just waiting for the right man to come along and give their life meaning (like in just about every other movie that comes out of Hollywood).  This is a good trend and I hope it continues.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (dir. by John Shepphird)


On Friday night, I saw Moonrise Kingdom.  As our own Leon the Duke explained in his own review on this very site, Moonrise Kingdom is a thought-provoking, relentlessly quirky little film from Wes Anderson.  It’s a film that makes you think and, as a result, come Saturday, I was in the mood to watch something that required absolutely no thought at all.  Luckily, SyFy was willing to help me out by showing an original film called Jersey Shore Shark Attack.

Why Was I Watching It?

I’d been meaning to watch a SyFy film for a while, mostly because my friend Kelly Thul always provides the most interesting twitter commentary on them.  When I saw that something called Jersey Shore Shark Attack was apparently playing on the channel, there was no way I couldn’t watch it.  After all, my BFF Evelyn refers to me as L-Wowww.  I used to call her Evooki but, after seeing Jersey Shore Shark Attack, her new name is Nooki.

What’s It About?

It’s holiday weekend on the Jersey Shore.  Preppies are uncomfortably mingling with Guidos, Joey Fatone is scheduled to give a concert, and greedy mayor Paul Sorvino is greedily dreaming of the money that will be made.  The only thing could ruin the holiday fun would be if a bunch of sharks suddenly showed up and decided to attack the Jersey shore.

Which is exactly what happens.

Fortunately, when the greedy Mayor refuses to close down the beach, there are a few Guidos who are willing to do the right thing.  The Complication (Jeremy Luc) and his friends Paulie Balzac (Daniel Booko), Donnie (Joey Russo), J-Moni (Alex Mauriello), and BJ (Audi Resendiz) take it upon themselves to battle the sharks.  However, the Complication’s ex, Nooki (Melissa Molinaro), has defiantly gone sailing with a bunch of preppies and now finds herself stranded at sea, surrounded by circling sharks…

What Worked?

A lot of people are probably online right now talking about how “stupid” and how “bad” this movie was but you know what?  I loved it.  This movie was a lot of fun and, like the best film parodies, it was very smart about being stupid.  Let’s put it like this — if you’re criticizing this film for having silly dialogue, terrible special effects, and bad acting, you’re missing the point.

Add to that, the acting isn’t that bad.  The film’s stars do a good job at capturing the “personas” of their Jersey Shore counterparts and I would even go so far as to compare this movie to the classic South Park episode “It’s a Jersey Thing.”

Plus, Tony Sirico’s in it and he gets to go all Robert Shaw and deliver a half-crazed monologue about shark attacks.

Plus, there’s a reporter who says things like, “Stay away from the pier, yo!”

Plus, Joey Fatone’s in it!  And he gets eaten!

What’s not to love?

What Didn’t Work?

It all worked, dammit!

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I’m Italian (well, a fourth-Italian) and I don’t swim either.   (Though I certainly don’t mind getting wet…)

Lessons Learned:

It’s a Jersey thing.

A Quickie With Lisa Marie: Men In Black 3 (dir. by Barry Sonnenfeld)


Men In Black 3, which was released into theaters last month, is an unexpected surprise, a genuinely entertaining film that breathes some new life into an old franchise. 

If you’ve seen the trailer then you pretty much know the plot of Men In Black 3.  An alien war criminal named Boris (played, in wonderfully over-the-top fashion, by Jermaine Clement) escapes from imprisonment on the moon.  He goes back to the year 1969 and kills the man who originally imprisoned him, Agent K.  In the present day, Agent K (played, of course, by Tommy Lee Jones) vanishes from existence.  The only person who remembers him is his longtime partner, Agent J (Will Smith).  Agent J and Agent O (played by Emma Thompson) quickly figure out what has happened (one of the best things about Men In Black 3 is that everything happens quickly — there’s very little padding) and J is sent back to 1969 where he ends up teaming up with the young Agent K (now played by Josh Brolin).  Together, J and K attempt to prevent Boris from changing history.

As I hinted at earlier, I wasn’t really expecting much from Men In Black 3.  Yes, the trailer was cute and I was looking forward to seeing Josh Brolin’s impersonation of Tommy Lee Jones but otherwise, I had no reason to suspect that this film would be anything more than a somewhat disheartening collection of CGI and superstar egos.

But you know what?

Men In Black 3 isn’t half-bad. 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Men In Black 3 doesn’t rewrite the rules of a familiar genre (like Cabin In The Woods).  And it’s certainly not an idiosyncratic expression of one man’s personal artistic vision (like Moonrise Kingdom).  No, Men In Black 3 is pure Hollywood entertainment but, at the very least, it’s a well-made example of pure Hollywood entertainment.  This is the type of film that could easily have been made (and watched) on autopilot but director Barry Sonnenfeld and his talented cast have actually made the effort to make an entertaining film and they’ve succeeded.

Both Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones have reached a point where they could play their roles in their sleep (and, in other movies, that’s what they both often seem to be doing) but both of them seem to be having fun in Men in Black 3 and they’ve got such a strong chemistry that they’re enjoyable to watch.  Jones even brings a sense of reality to his character’s world-weary resignation and, if Will Smith’s main talent seems to be the fact that he’s likable, he still does likeable pretty well.  The new additions to the cast — Emma Thompson, Jermaine Clement, Alice Eve, and especially Michael Stuhlbarg and Bill Hader — are all fun and interesting to watch.  The film, however, is truly stolen by Josh Brolin, who not only perfectly captures Tommy Lee Jones’ voice and mannerisms but also manages to hint at his sense of gravitas as well.  Sonnenfeld keeps the story moving quickly and, for once, the impressive CGI is used in the service of the story as opposed to just providing an excuse for that story to exist.

As usually seems to happen with franchise films, the whole thing ends on a sentimental note and, I have to admit, it actually brought tears to my eyes.

Then again, I’ve been told that I cry at anything.

Regardless of whether my tears were honestly earned or if they were just a Pavlovian response, Men In Black 3 is an entertaining film and I’m glad I saw it.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: The Craigslist Killer (dir. by Stephen Kay)


Last night, as I was searching through the list of movies saved onto my DVR, I discovered that I had apparently recorded 2011’s The Craigslist Killer off of the Lifetime Movie Network.  So, of course, I immediately curled up on the couch and started to watch it.  After a few minutes, I paused the movie so I could wake up my sister and track down our cat and force them to watch it with me.  Which they did because they love me.  Awwwwwwwww!

Why Was I Watching It?

Okay, I think The Craigslist Killer has been on TV like a gazillion times since 2011 and I’ve watched it almost every time.  It’s become a tradition.  Just like some people have to watch Avatar every time it pops up on Cinemax, I have to watch The Craigslist Killer every time it shows up on Lifetime.  And if I have to use my feminine wiles to force other people to watch with me — well, I’m willing to do that.

What’s It About?

 Philip Markoff (Jake McDorman) is this handsome, charming medical student who tells everyone that he’s rich and is just loved by everyone.  But even though he’s a total hottie, he’s got the confidence of nottie.  (Sorry, I came up with that line as a joke a few months ago and I’ve been looking for an excuse to use it ever since.)  So, he deals with his issues by looking at porn online and then eventually murdering a masseuse who he met through an ad that she placed on Craig’s List.  Anyway, he’s not really that good at being a killer so it’s kinda obvious that he’s the one who did it but nobody can believe it because he’s such a charming guy.

One person who definitely doesn’t think that he’s a killer is his fiancée, Megan (Agnes Bruckner).  Megan is busy planning their wedding while, unknown to her, Philip is attacking and killing other women.  Eventually, Megan is confronted by a suspicious homicide investigator (William Baldwin) but she still stubbornly defends Philip.

And, of course, it’s all based on a true story.

What Worked?

Seriously, this is the epitome of a Lifetime movie and it’s also a historically important one.  I can remember being on twitter the night that this movie premiered and literally everyone was planning on watching The Craigslist Killer, even people who normally would never watch Lifetime.  So, for many people, The Craigslist Killer is what they think of when they think of a Lifetime movie: it’s based on a true story, it’s about a beautiful woman who falls in love with a handsome man with a great future, and it’s about how that woman learns that men can’t be trusted.  There’s even a subtle hint, I think, of the possibility of future romance between Megan and the detective played by William Baldwin.  And good for her!  Seriously, after everything she  goes through in this film, she deserves it.

Agnes Bruckner and Jake McDorman both give pretty good performances.  McDorman is totally believable as both a charming med school student and a vicious killer and I liked the way that his performance subtly showed us that there wasn’t much going on behind the character’s perfect smile.

The final few minutes of the movie made me cry.

What Didn’t Work?

I’ve read quite a few comments online from people complaining about William Baldwin’s attempt to do a Boston accent.  Some say it was one of the worst Boston accents in television history.  I’m not sure if that’s true or not but I certainly know what it’s like to listen to a Yankee butcher your region’s accent.

Otherwise, as far as I’m concerned, this was a Lifetime movie and it all worked.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

What girl hasn’t liked the perfect boy who, once he becomes her boyfriend, reveals himself to actually be far less than perfect?  Laugh if you will but the best Lifetime movie tap into universal truths that many people don’t like to admit exist.

Lessons Learned

Even the perfect wedding can be ruined when it turns out the groom is a serial killer.

‘Prometheus’ Review (dir. Ridley Scott)


“Prometheus”, the sci-fi thriller that marks Ridley Scotts return to the genre, is a cerebral and intense motion picture that asks a lot of challenging questions in an attempt to be more than the average blockbuster. Does it exceed? Well my answer would be yes…but only barely.

Most people, like me, were fairly excited when they learned Scott would return to science fiction. He is responsible for two of the best films of the genre, “Alien” and “Blade Runner”; and when word spread that his newest film would be a sort of quasi-prequel to “Alien”, taking place in the same universe, lots of rumors began to swirl as to what exactly we would be getting.

Well, the story here revolves around two scientists, Elizabeth Shaw and Charlie Holloway, who have discovered various ancient cave carvings and drawings across the globe from different cultures that depict the same scene, people worshipping tall creatures pointing to a cluster of stars. Because these civilizations never had any contact, and because the star cluster is located so far from earth that humans would have never known it existed, Shaw and Holloway go to the large and powerful Weyland Industries to get funding for a trip to these planets, one of which just so happens to contain a moon that might be able to support life. But why risk so much on such a long and expensive journey? Shaw and Holloway believe that the drawings they found are an invitation from “engineers”, intelligent life forms that created life on earth, and they as well as the founder of Weyland Industries hope to find the origins of life, and the reasons for our existence.

When the crew headed by Meredith Vickers, a strict representative from Weyland Industries, reaches the moon what they find might not only provide the answers to life that they were looking for, but also bring about the very destruction of that life. All exacerbated by members of the crew, including an all too human android named David, who appear to have hidden agendas.

The entire plot is very thought-provoking. Mainly because the questions brought up, such as the creation of life, planet seeding, and trying to find the answers to why we are here, are all challenging and universal. The only problem is that it doesn’t do very much to answer any of them. There is a bit of ambiguity surrounding the events of the film that I did in fact enjoy. There are times when it leaves thing open for interoperation, understanding that in reality many of these questions can’t be answer, and instead just provides alternative explanations. This is all fine, what bothered me though was when many of these themes were just dropped from the film after only being brought up once. For instance, there is a moment in which Shaw and Holloway talk about god and how if these “engineers” are responsible for life, should she remove her cross necklace because it means a god doesn’t exist. In the very same conversation one of them questions the important of life if it can be created so easily. Both are very intriguing notions, but both never really come up again. Yes, the audience can take what happens in the story and try to make their own assumptions as to god and the importance of life, but the real issue is that the characters themselves never really do this.

This mostly has to do with my second big issue of the film, which was the lack of really any development of the crew members outside of Shaw. One thing I enjoyed about “Prometheus”, which is one thing I loved about “Alien”, was that it takes it time. It doesn’t really jump right into the action. The major difference is that whereas in “Alien” the crew members seem to all have their own personalities and we get enough of each to care or at least make us think we know them, “Prometheus” fails to make anyone, besides a very select few members of the crew, have any development. This wouldn’t usually be an issue even if death in horror films is made more effective when those threatened are people we care about; but considering stuff that happens in the end, when some of the characters make decisions that could typically make for rather emotional moments but alas because we know nothing about them it just doesn’t hit as hard as it could. So with more development, not only could there have been more of an emotional connection with the crew, it would have also let them have more time to contemplate all these questions the film asked. It makes me wonder and hope that a director’s cut will be released.

Thematic and character issues aside, the film is damn near perfect on a visual and heart pounding intensity level. The set designs, of the ship Prometheus and foreign world for example, are stunning. This comes as no surprise given that Scott has always been very good at creating futuristic worlds. His use of 3-D was also incredibly effective. It isn’t used simply as a gimmick, nothing made to come shooting out of the screen for scares, it is just there to add a bit of depth which I like.

As for the horror/thriller aspects of the story….well the first thing that came to mind when I walked out of the theater was that what I just watched was absolutely insane. Like “Alien” it just has those totally shocking, eerie and at times bloody moments that are not for the squeamish. This was incredibly satisfying of course; of all the things I wanted from the film, to feel completely uncomfortable at times and just stunned by what I was seeing on screen was one of them. It is in these two ways, the visual beauty and intensity, in which the film really makes up for some of the previously mentioned flaws.

Another of the films redeeming qualities are the performances from the main cast, which were generally great. Michael Fassbender steals the show, as the eerie and impassive android David. Fassbender is always brilliant, and the mystery and wonder he brings to David makes for a fascinating but also unnerving character. Noomi Rapace (Shaw) was also wonderful. She is one of the better actresses to emerge in the past few years, and the emotion and horror really work all the better when being channeled through her. Also, Charlize Theron is at her stone cold bitchiest and Idris Elda just continues to prove he is one of the coolest individuals around, which made them both fun to watch. The supporting cast held their ground I guess, though most were just the stereotypical hard-ass’s “just here to get paid” while being complete morons until their inevitable death.

So in the end, I can say that I did in fact highly enjoy “Prometheus”. It works on a whole lot of levels, in being both visually stunning and intensely thrilling. Its only fault is that it tried to be a bit too smart, asking far too many questions, and not having answers to most of them. Perhaps on another viewing, or given more time to mull it over…or if a director’s cut comes out with more story and characters…then I will think more highly of the themes it attempts to tackled. Until then I can only admire it for being a better than average sci-fi thriller blockbuster and at least trying to strive to be challenging and thought provoking, and maybe that is enough, but I can’t help feel a little let down.

‘Moonrise Kingdom’ Review (dir. Wes Anderson)


“Moonrise Kingdom”, Wes Anderson’s newest feature and easily one of his best, is a delightful, colorful and flat out beautiful depiction of young love, seen through the eyes of a director with a youthful heart. Sure he might overindulge in terms of visual style and whimsy, a passion and uniqueness I personally love, but in the end his mastery behind the camera and tenderness for his characters and the stories he tells make for wonderful experiences.

Not everyone always feels the same obviously, many are completely turned off by his work, but I think in this case even the most anti-Anderson crowd will have a hard time not falling in love with this story, these characters and the touching, charming and often hilarious situations they find themselves in. That is because this time around, more so than in his previous film, the line between reality and fantasy is extremely thin. In his previous films, and this is coming from someone who has loved EVERYTHING he has done (yes, even ‘The Darjeeling Limited’), the worlds he creates, with their overtly intellectual, quirky and often pompous characters, are often interpreted mostly as shallow and even more harshly labeled as pretentious and annoying because they are drowning in an ocean of visual grandeur. Although I personally love it, I cannot say I blame people for thinking it. The story, emotion, pain and humanity of many of his films can be lost and viewed strictly formalistically in his attempts to stay grounded while also throwing a very thick layer of style over everything. The difference with “Moonrise Kingdom” I believe has to do with the perfect blending of that passionate and fine eye for detail, color and design and the central human story below the surface. Here we have the joys and passions of young love, juxtaposed with the hollowness and pains of adulthood in a way that feels more like a fable than an actual depiction of real life. It is in that way, how this feels more like a story out of one of Suzy’s fantasy novels, that makes it work so well.

This fable takes place over the course of a few days in the summer of 1965, on a fictional island off the coast of Rhode Island.  It follows Sam Shakusky, an orphan and Boy Scout who has trouble making friends; and Suzy, a smart but depressed young girl whose parents think is “troubled”. After meeting a year before, and becoming pens pals, the two decide to run away together.  When the Scout Master (Edward Norton) finds out he goes to the local police captain (Bruce Willis) to start a search party with Suzy’s parents. As Sam and Suzy’s love blossoms in their adventure across the island, the adults have secrets and personnel issues that begin to get in the way with their search for the children.

Visually intertwined with this story are everything one would expect from a Wes Anderson film. Those fantasy elements and overall tone I mentioned above are really driven by the use of tracking shots, almost always consisting of layers of action, with things happening in the background that could be easily missed on a first viewing; and set and costume design that not only capture the era (the late 60’s) but also a very fantastical and specific melancholy-summer atmosphere.  The house where Suzy lives for example feels more like a doll house, with the characters just puppets under Anderson’s guidance. In this way the entire film really feels like a live action version of a story that would normally take place in the world of “The Fantastic Mr. Fox”.

As for the performances, which are just as important as the visuals and designs because of Anderson’s writing and humor, are all around just wonderful. For the adult cast this comes as no surprise. Bill Murray for instance is no stranger to Anderson’s films (this being the sixth time he has appeared in one). The rest fit in nicely, with Willis and Norton seamlessly blending into the world and dead pan humor. What really blew me away was the performances by the two child leads, Kara Wayward (Suzy) and Jared Gilman (Sam). Now these performances were not perfect, I felt like they stumbled over a few lines and their delivery was flat at times, but it worked in their favor making the performances feel very natural, never forced and their missteps felt more like children trying, and at times failing, to sound smarter than they really are which was in line with the personality and background of both.

Overall this definitely ranks up there as one of Wes Anderson’s best, probably right behind “The Royal Tenebaums” (my personal favorite of his). As for its place amongst the rest of the films this year? I can easily say that it is the best, and my favorite, filmso far in 2012. And although there are still many more to come, I think I’ll be hard pressed to find another film that was as all around beautiful, charming and fun as “Moonrise Kingdom”; and even if it doesn’t turn out to be the “best of the year”, it will most likely be the one I revisit most often.

Trash Film Guru Vs. The Summer Blockbusters – “Dark Shadows”


First off, a qualification : if you’re a lifelong (or thereabouts) fan of Dan Curtis’ classic Dark Shadows TV series, I can understand why you would hate Tim Burton’s new film of the same name. It’s many things, but old-school Dark Shadows isn’t one of them. Feel free, with my full blessing (whatever that’s worth), to absolutely despise this flick right down to a molecular level if you fit into this category of viewer. But if you don’t —

— then seriously, where is all this vitriol coming from? I’m not saying it’s a tremendous or important movie by any means, but it’s brainless, entertaining, heavy-on-the-camp fun that’s pretty solidly constructed Burton-by-the-numbers.

And maybe that’s the problem. Tim Burton’s work has, indeed, become almost relentlessly formulaic by this point : de-fang horror/gothic/50s-era sci-fi concepts to make them palatable to mainstream family audiences, concentrate heavily on the visuals, strenuously avoid even the hint of any political subtext, add in a dash of blatantly-obvious-but-ultimately-respectful-to-its-source self-satire, have your admittedly talented cast skew their performances toward the knowingly pantomime, and voila! You’ve got yourself morbidity for the masses.

Apparently this is now some sort of crime. Granted, Dark Shadows is no Ed Wood or Big Fish, but it doesn’t wallow in Burtonian excess the way that the more successful (as far as the box office goes) Charlie And The Chocolate Factory or the mega-successful Alice In Wonderland did. But judging by the reaction out there on Twitter and other “social media” sites, you’d think this was somehow the nadir or Burton’s career (how quickly we seem to forget Mars Attacks!) — in fact, it seems to be generating as much overly-malignant hatred as The Avengers is generating overly-effusive praise. But hell, at least this movie is recognizably the work of a singular creative vision (albeit not one operating at its peak) rather than pure CGI assembly-line product that could have been directed by any of dozens of different self-styled “action auteurs” (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — if The Avengers had been helmed by Jon Favreau, it would essentially be no different) who are ultimately as interchangeable as the material they produce.

The cast is the usual mix of Burton way-more-than-regulars (Johnny Depp in the title role of Barnabas Collins, Helena Bonham Carter as family doctor/lush Julia Hoffman, Christopher Lee in a terrific cameo — as opposed to his pointless quick turn in The Wicker Tree — as an “old man of the sea”-type), talented, well-cast veterans (Michelle Pfeiffer as tired family matriarch Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, Jackie Earle Haley as the hapless Willie Loomis) and up-and-coming talents (Eva Green as Barnabas’ principal object of love/hate, Angelique Bouchard, Bella Heathcote as his principal object of love only, Victoria Winters, Jonny Lee Miller as weak-willed family weasel  Roger Collins, Chloe Grace Moretz  doing her teen-with-a-‘tude thing as Carolyn Soddard), and while none are giving what could in any way be called inspired turns, all are solid and dependable.

As is the story, an uncomplicated affair about Barnabas emerging from the grave, vamped to the hilt, in the early 70s to help his fallen-on-hard-times clan rebuild their fishing and canning empire in the face of rival competition that’s equally supernatural in origin, with a little bit of reincarnation-themed romance thrown in for good measure. It’s hardly demanding stuff, of course, but it’s perfectly suited to function as precisely what it is — a distracted afternoon’s or evening’s summer lightweight entertainment. Joss Whedon does this with a team of super-heroes and we call him a genius. Tim Burton does it with harmless comic vampires and we say he’s jumped the shark. Go figure.

All of which goes to show nothing so much as the herd mentality so prevalent amongst today’s film-buff “community.” In truth, both Dark Shadows and The Avengers are cut from remarkably similar cloth — throwaway big-budget diversionary fare that demands nothing of its audience and gives you pretty much exactly what you figure to be in for when you buy your ticket. One is being praised for it because, hey, other people immediately started talking about how good it is, and one is reviled because, hey, other people immediately started talking about how stupid it was. But you know what? At least Dark Shadows has no pretense of being anything other than precisely what it is, and no army of zombies (or vampires) doing its studios’ dirty work for it and publicizing it like mad for free.

I freely admit that might be a big reason why I actually enjoyed this a little more than Marvel’s billion-dollar-bonanza, and I also freely admit that actions taking place off-screen should , by all rights, play absolutely no part in how I react to what’s taking place on-screen. But it’s not a perfect world. And Dark Shadows is far from a perfect film. But I ended up liking it it a lot more than I was honestly expecting to — and if you go into it with an open mind, who knows? Maybe you will, too.

 

What Lisa Watched This Morning: One For The Money (dir. by Julie Anne Robinson)


This morning, as it stormed outside, I watched One For The Money, the Katherine Heigl film that quickly came and went earlier this year.

Why Was I Watching It?

 How did I end up watching One For The Money this morning?  I blame the toadsuckers out there who insist on mowing their lawns every chance they get.  By constantly mowing their lawns, these people are releasing particles of grass into the air where they turn into pollen and they make life difficult for sweet, innocent girls like me who happen to have fairly severe asthma.  Because of everyone mowing their lawns, my asthma started to act up last night and I ended up calling in to work today.

So, there I was: curled up on the couch, clutching my inhaler and listening to the thunder rumbling and the rain falling outside.  Our cat Doc walked over to the couch and stared up at me for a few minutes before going, “Meh.”  I took that to mean: “Let’s watch a movie On Demand.”  So, I checked to see what was available and, after I realized that I had no interest in Red Tails, I decided to go with One For The Money.

What’s It About?

So, Stephanie Plum (Katherine Hiegl) lives in New Jersey and has no job but she does have a kinda creepy cousin named Vinny (Patrick Fischler, who looks like he would be a creepy cousin named Vinny) who owns a place called Vinny’s Bail Bonds.  Stephanie reminds Vinny of a time that he attempted to get all incestous-like with her so Vinny hires her as a bail enforcement agent (otherwise known as a bounty hunter).  Stephanie’s first assignment is to catch Joe Morelli (Jason O’Mara), a former cop who is wanted for murder.  Stephanie is happy to accept this assignment because, back in high school, she lost her virginity to Joe and then attempted to run him over with her car after he dumped her.

However, it quickly turns out that 1) Joe isn’t that easy to catch and 2) he might be innocent.  In between getting bounty hunting lessons from Ranger (Daniel Sunjata) and catching other assorted bail jumpers, Stephanie tries to help Morelli prove his innocence and also finds herself falling in love with him, despite the fact that he’s kind of a jerk.

What Worked?

This film has gotten some of the worst reviews I’ve ever seen and not just from the usual gang of overpaid film critics who always hate on films starring Katherine Heigl.  Even the reviews left on the imdb are amazingly negative, a lot of them being left by fans of the series of books that this film is based on.  I have to admit that I haven’t read any of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum novels and maybe that’s why I didn’t think this film was that bad.

This film was essentially a big budget Lifetime film and it was at its best when it accepted that fact.  It had a few cute moments and there’s a moment, where the inexperienced Stephanie Plum goes, “Oh, I forgot I had a gun!” that made me laugh out loud because I know that’s exactly the sort of thing that I’d end up saying if I ever took up bounty hunting for a living.  While I agree with those who have said that Heigl was miscast as Stephanie, I could still relate enough to the character that the film (for the most part) managed to hold my attention.

Jason O’Mara and Daniel Sunjata are both easy on the eyes.  Stephanie’s not the only one to have fantasies about being handcuffed by Jason O’Mara while naked.

A lot of the negative comments that I’ve read about this film centered on just how bad Heigl’s New Jersey accent was.  As a Texan who speaks with a twang in her voice, all I can say to that is “Welcome to my world, bitches.”  If nothing else, maybe this film will let Yankees know how it feels to have their accent butchered by someone who grew up in Connecticut.

What Did Not Work?

 Just because the film wasn’t that bad doesn’t mean that it was all that good.  It’s a fun film to watch when you’re sick and it’s raining outside because it’s so lightweight and insubstantial that it doesn’t require you to think about what’s happening on-screen or really to even pay that much attention.  If you do pay attention, you’ll quickly realize that Heigl (who I, as opposed to lot of people, usually like) isn’t believable as a member of the working class, the film’s story is predictable, and that John Leguizamo plays essentially the same annoying character that John Leguizamo always plays in films like this.

I’m also assuming that Heigl’s voice-over narration was an attempt to capture Evanovich’s authorial voice on-screen but, honestly, it just came across as being heavy-handed and unnecessary.

“Oh my God!  Just Like Me!” Moments

There were a few.  To be honest, I get the feeling that if I ever became a bounty hunter, I would probably be kind of a klutzy one like Stephanie Plum is in this film.  Add to that, Stephanie has to spend a lot of time listening to people complain about her driving and I can certainly relate to that.  Seriously, you get a few tickets for running a red light and then you jump a few medians and suddenly, everyone’s making you out to be some sort of menace.

Lessons Learned:

What might be annoying on the big screen is perfectly acceptable when you’re curled up on the couch and watching TV.

Quick Review: Chernobyl Diaries (dir. by Bradley Parker)


ImageThe Short of It:

While it’s not the greatest story in the world, The Chernobyl Diaries uses one of the best possible locations for a horror setting.  The cliches are a dime a dozen and you’ll pretty much forget the characters by the time you walk out of the theatre. The film contains a number of jump scenes, but when you ultimately find out what’s going on, you may be disappointed. It felt like they could have done a little more with it.

The Long Story:

Oren Peli, creator of the Paranormal Activity films, had a hand in writing the story for Chernobyl Diaries, which is interesting when considering that most of his movies so far have been of the found footage variety. While the film starts off looking like it may be entirely found footage, it conveniently changes over to a standard filming setup, which helps the way everything is presented. I’m thankful they went this route, personally. After Chronicle, I’m not sure I could deal with another found footage film.

Chernobyl Diaries centers around six tourists in Russia, who get the divine notion to take an extreme tour through the town of Pripryat, just near the site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster from the 1980’s. Once they arrive, however, they find that that an armed roadblock keeps them from the city. Undaunted, they locate a back road into town and make their way through, setting up camp for the day. The spend their time walking around the area to  take photos and have discussions about what happened here. I’m not sure if the movie was actually filmed in the city, but the landscape did look very good. That may be one of the things that I can take away from this movie that was worth it. The settings definitely worked, even if the actual gore didn’t. After their mode of transport is damaged, they’re left stranded in the area and searching for a way out. That is the entire plot of the film. The characters don’t count (save that two are related), and the mystery behind what happened there is non-existant. It’s simply 6 people dropping themselves in a hellish situation and trying to find their way out.

Again, this is one of the coolest places to stage a horror film. Imagine with the fallout that occurred, something or someone had to be left behind during the evacuations, waiting to attack others. The problem with this is the audience already knows this. After so many of these types of films, you expect something out there. I thought they could have made what existed a bit extreme, but the effects were such standard fare that one might say they’ve seen better in any episode of The Walking Dead. There’s low budget, and then there’s The Blair Witch Project, then your typical Sci-Fi channel weekend flick and then you have Chernobyl Diaries. For a first time director, Bradley Parker does okay with what he has, but it’s nothing terribly awe-inspiring.

That isn’t to say that the movie doesn’t scare. Trying to escape a town in the dark can’t be easy, and there are a few jump moments that had the audience screaming, but by the time the film ended, some complained about wanting to get their money back. Truthfully, I myself had to cover my ears a few times in certain moments, but this really needed more overall.

Watch it if it happens to come on late at night, but really, the film just isn’t worth paying for.

Oh my God! 6 More Chilling Classics: The Cold, Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon, The Legend of Big Foot, Oasis of the Zombies, Slashed Dreams, and Track of the Moon Beast


It’s a lonely Saturday here at the TSL Bunker.  Leonard Wilson is at a theater in the city, watching Chernobyl Diaries.  My sister, the Dazzling Erin, has abandoned me to go shopping for ingredients so she can make something later tonight for our family’s annual memorial day get together tomorrow and our cat, Doc, is too busy sleeping at the foot of my bed to pay much attention to me   Probably even as I sit here typing this, Leon the Duke is watching season 3 of Lost and how I envy him!  The Trash Film Guru has escaped to the grindhouse. Necromoonyeti is discovering new music, Pantsukudasai is undoubtedly meeting with his enigmatic anime connection, Semtex Skittle is playing Diablo Something-Or-Another, and SenorGeekus is off spreading the gospel of Jack Kirby.  Even Arleigh is off somewhere else, watching a war movie no doubt.

Yes, I’ve been left here alone in my section of the Bunker, which I’ve decorated by utilizing a combination of Catholic iconography, Hello Kitty, and pink wallpaper.  I should be working on getting caught up because I am running behind on meeting my quota for the month.  However, instead of writing about what’s currently playing in a theater near you, I find myself once again distracted by my continuing mission to watch and review every single film included in Mill Creek’s 50 Chilling Classics Boxset.  Fortunately, I’m happiest when I have a mission.  Here are reviews of 6 more of the Chilling Classics that I’ve sat through.

The Cold (dir by Bill Rebane)

First released in 1984, The Cold is yet another odd little morality tale from Wisconsin-based filmmaker Bill Rebane.  Three mysterious millionaires invite nine people (and just try to keep them all straight) to a secluded mansion that looks suspiciously like an EconoLodge.  The nine guests are informed that if  they spend a few nights at the “mansion” and face their greatest fears, they’ll win a million dollars.  Of course, everyone agrees to do that but how could they have imagined that their fears would include a giant spider that shows up in soup bowl, a shark that shows up in a swimming pool (Agck!  That would be my fear right there), rats, and people who wander around hallways while wearing white sheets.  Of course, it all ends with a twist that you’ve already guessed and then the film introduces another twist that you’ve already guessed.

This is the third Rebane film that I’ve come across in the Chilling Classic Boxset (the previous two being The Alpha Incident and The Demons of Ludlow).  Rebane is one of those odd directors whose uneven films are genuinely inept and yet occasionally show a flash of equally genuine imagination.  The Cold is a complete and total mess that features bad acting (after 5 minutes, I’d had enough of the slow-witted girl with the bad Southern accent), bad dialogue (“You can’t come in here.  I’m nude.” “Don’t worry, I’ve had a vasectomy”), and a truly incoherent style of editing.  Rebane punctuates the action by including random snatches of old timey music and boy did that get irritating fast.  And yet, once you start watching, it’s impossible to look away.  You simply have to watch to convince yourself that what you’re seeing isn’t just a dream.  Plus, the film includes not only an endless disco sequence but a narrator who admits that he can’t really follow the story either.

Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon (dir by Juan Lopez Moctezuma)

This Mexican film from 1972 is based on an Edgar Allan Poe short story and, despite the poor picture quality that we’ve come to expect from anything put out by Mill Creek, it is one of the most visually interesting films to be found in the Chilling Classics boxset.  A newspaper reporter visits a sanitarium in order to investigate the revolutionary form of therapy practiced by Dr. Maillard (Claudio Brook).  As Maillard explains (and sh0ws), the inmates are essentially allowed to roam freely through the asylum and live under whatever delusions make them happiest.  However, it quickly becomes obvious that Dr. Maillard is insane himself and his asylum is part of a bigger plot to rule the world.  The plot makes little sense and it quickly becomes pretty clear that it’s not meant too.  Director Juan Louis Moctezuma was a collaborator of the famed surrealist Alejandro Jadorowsky and it quickly becomes obvious that he’s more interested in putting as many odd and surreal images on-screen as possible and, on that level, he succeeds.  For whatever the film’s narrative failings, it’s fascinating to just sit and look at some of the images that appear on-screen.  Claudio Brook gives a wonderfully over-the-top performance that perfectly compliments the film’s visuals.

The Legend of Big Foot (dir by Harry Winer)

In this documentary from 1976, a wildlife expert named Ivan Marx rambles on and on about Big Foot while unrelated stock footage plays out on-screen.  It’s just as exciting as it sounds.  Seriously, I try to make it a point to stick with any film I start watching, no matter how boring it may turn out to be, but the Legend of Big Foot severely tested my patience.  Some of the animals in the stock footage are cute, though.  Regardless of what he may be discussing at any particular moment during the film, Marx delivers his narration in the most dramatic way possible and that provides a few laughs as well.

Oasis of the Zombies (dir. by Jess Franco)

In this 1981 Eurocine film, a group of unlikable people come across a lost Nazi treasure in the middle of the African desert.  Unfortunately for them, the Nazis are still there, standing guard.  Of course, the Nazis have now all been transformed into zombies!  As far as Nazi zombie films are concerned, Oasis of the Zombies isn’t as scary as Shock Waves and it’s not as much fun as Zombie Lake.  What it is, however, is a Jess Franco film which means that the film features actors in tacky outfits, poorly dubbed dialogue, a zoom lens that just won’t quit, and a few oddly surreal (and occasionally nightmarish) visuals.  This is really a pretty shoddy film but it’s enjoyable if you’re a fan of Franco’s “unique” style of filmmaking.

Slashed Dreams (dir. by James Polaskof)

This film was originally released in 1974, under the title Sunburst.  It was obviously not meant to be a horror film (though it was clearly meant to appeal to the exploitation market) but instead, it was a painfully sincere, annoyingly naive, and, ultimately, rather offensive attempt to make an important statement about the need to drop out of society and “do your own thing.”  However, Robert Englund shows up for the film’s final 10 minutes so, at some point in the 80s, Sunburst was re-released, retitled, and resold as a horror film.

Anyway, this 74 minute film is about two perky and attractive college students (Peter Hooten and Katharine Baumann, both of whom give good performances) who decided to go visit their first Michael who has dropped out of society and is currently living in a cabin out in the middle of the woods.  The majority of the film is an endless montage of scenes of Hooten and Baumann hiking through the wilderness while a singer named Roberta Van Dere warbles away on the soundtrack, singing some of the most annoyingly 70s folk songs ever written.  I’m sad to say that I got one of them, Animals Are Clumsy Too, stuck in my head.  Once they finally reach the cabin, they discover that Michael is off wandering about.  They decide to wait around for Michael to show up which leads to them being spotted by two inbred hicks who proceed to rape Baumann before running off.  The next morning, Michael shows up and hey, he’s Robert Englund!  Michael hears what has happened and, instead of going to the police or, at the very least, getting Baumann to a hospital,  he tells her that she just needs to “push the demons out” and get on with living.  Which, by the way, is complete bullshit.  It’s one thing to discover strength you previously didn’t realize you had as the result of something terrible, it’s another thing to seriously expect a woman to shrug it off after a day or two or to consider rape to be a character-building exercise as this film seems to.  Say what you will about I Spit On Your Grave, at least that film understood that rape is an unforgivable violation and more than just a bad thing that might happen in the woods.  I swear, just when I think that I can’t hate the late 60s and early 70s anymore than I already do, I see a film like this.

Track of the Moon Beast (dir. by Dick Ashe)

When it comes to bad movies from the 70s, I prefer the likes of 1976’s Track of the Moonbeast to Sunburst/Slashed Dreams.  This films takes place in New Mexico and tells the story of Paul (Chase Cordel), a slow-talking mineralogist who gets a chunk of moon rock lodged into his brain.  As a result, he turns into a gigantic lizard and goes around killing people.  His only hope appears to be his old friend, the stoic Profession Johnny Longbow (Gregorio Sala) who knows all sorts of indian lore.  He also knows how to make stew and early on in the film, he gives a world-weary monologue about what ingredients he puts in his stew.  (Onions, mostly).  Anyway, this is an awful, awful film that’s full of bad acting, bad special effects, and dumb dialogue.  It’s also a lot of fun and it features the guy pictured below singing a song called California Lady that got stuck in my head almost as quickly as Animals Are Clumsy Too.  I loved Track of the Moon Beast.

So, out of these six, I would definitely recommend Track of the Moon Beast and Dr. Tarr’s Torture Dungeon.  The Cold and Oasis of the Zombies should be watched only by people who are already familiar with the work of Bill Rebane and Jess Franco.  Legend of Big Foot might be amusing if you’re intoxicated and Slashed Dreams is the one to definitely avoid.