Horror Film Review: Island of Lost Souls (dir by Erle C. Kenton)


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In the 1932 film Island of Lost Souls, Ruth Thomas (Leila Hyams) has reason to be concerned.  She’s on the island of Samoa, awaiting the arrival of her fiancée, Edward Parker (Richard Arlen).  When Parker’s boat doesn’t show up, it can only mean one thing.  He’s been shipwrecked!  Did he survive or was he lost at sea?

Well, Ruth need not worry.  Parker did survive being shipwrecked.  He was picked up by a freighter carrying a wide selection of animals to an isolated island.  Unfortunately, when Parker complained about the way that Parker was abusing some of his admittedly odd-looking passengers, the captain responded by dumping Parker on that island as well.

On the island, Parker becomes the guest of Dr. Moreau (Charles Laughton) and his assistant, Montgomery (Arthur Hohl).  Parker also meets and finds himself becoming attractive to the seemingly naive Lota (Kathleen Burke).  Though Moreau seems to be a good host, Parker grows suspicious of him.  It turns out that there’s a room in Moreau’s compound, a room that Lota calls “the house of pain.”  At night, Parker can hear horrifying screams coming from the room.

Initially believing the Moreau is torturing the island’s natives, Parker soon discovers an even more disturbing truth.  Moreau has been experimenting with trying to transform animals into humans.  Lota, it turns out, was once a panther and the woods surrounding the compound are full of other Moreau creations.  Though Moreau claims that his intentions are benevolent, he rules his island like a dictator.  The animal-men are kept in line by the Sayer of the Law (Bela Lugosi) and any transgressions are punished in the House of Pain…

The Island of Lost Souls was the first cinematic adaptation of H.G. Wells’s The Island of Dr. Moreau.  (Perhaps the most famous adaptation came out in 1996 and is the subject of Lost Souls, a fascinating documentary that, I believe, can still be found on Netflix.)  I watched it last night on TCM and I have to admit that I had a mixed reaction to it.  On the one hand, the film’s atmosphere of mystery and danger is palpable and Charles Laughton’s performance definitely set a standard for all misguided scientists to follow.  The human-animals are fantastic creations and  the film’s ending still has some power.  Bela Lugosi’s performance of the Sayer of the Law was superior to his work as Dracula.  (As shown by both this film and Ninotchka, Lugosi was an outstanding character actor.)  Kathleen Burke also does a great job as Lota, which makes it all the more interesting that she was apparently cast as a result of winning a contest that was sponsored by Paramount Pictures.

(On a personal note, I always find it amusing that pre-code films always feature at least one scene of an actress removing her stockings, even if the scene itself has next to nothing to do with the rest of the film.  In this case, the legs belong to Leila Hyams.)

On the negative side, Richard Arlen is not a particularly interesting hero and, from a contemporary point of view, Island of Lost Souls is a rather slow-moving film.  Watching it today requires modern audiences to make a bit of an adjustment to their expectations.

With all that in mind, I still recommend Island of Lost Souls.  Watch it for Charles Laughton and Bela Lugosi.  Watch it as a valuable piece of cinematic history.

Short Film Review: 4 Quarters of Silence (dir by Cody Broadway)


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Hi, everyone!  I want to take a small break from talking about horror movie and Halloween to tell you about 4 Quarters of Silence, a short documentary film that may not be scary but is definitely very inspiring.  It’s a 16-minute film that I was lucky enough to see this weekend and, halfway through the movie, I had tears in my eyes.

And I thought to myself, “Lisa, don’t you dare start crying…”

And I kept watching the movie.  And those tears did not go away and by the end of it all, I had given up on not crying.  However, those weren’t tears of sadness.  4 Quarters of Silence tells an incredibly inspiring little story, one that earned the tears that I shed.

The film opens with a title card that informs us that there are 1,483 high school football teams in Texas.  As a native Texan, I can definitely believe that.  However, there is only one football team that is totally made up of deaf players.  That team, located in Austin, is the Texas School for the Deaf’s Rangers.  4 Quarters of Silence follows the Rangers as they prepare for and play a game against a high school from San Antonio.

However, the emphasis really isn’t on who wins the game.  For the film, if not the coaches and the players, the game is almost a secondary concern.  Instead, 4 Quarters of Silence concentrates on the players and their coach, John Moore, as they refuse to allow their disability to keep them from doing something that they love.

John Moore is truly the star of the show, a passionate and inspiring coach who expects as much from his players off the field as on.  One of my favorite parts of the film contrasts the bombastic half-time speech of the San Antonio coach with Coach Moore’s equally passionate signed speech in the TSD locker room.

The love that Coach Moore has for both the game and his players is truly inspiring and I’m glad that 4 Quarters of Silence documented it.   It’s a truly touching film and one that successfully challenges many of the common assumptions that the hearing are too quick to make about the deaf.  Keep an eye out for it!

Halloween Havoc!: Boris Karloff in THE MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG (Columbia 1939)


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Bela Lugosi ( see yesterday’s post ) wasn’t the only horror icon who starred in a series of low-budget shockers. Boris Karloff signed a five picture deal with Columbia Pictures that was later dubbed the “Mad Doctor” series and, while several notches above Lugosi’s “Monogram Nine”, they were cookie-cutter flicks intended for the lower half of double feature bills. The first of these was THE MAN THEY COULD NOT HANG, which sets the tone for the films to follow.

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Karloff plays Dr. Henry Savaard, inventor of a new surgical technique that requires the patient to die, then reviving him with a mechanical heart after performing the operation. This later became standard operating procedure during open-heart surgery, but back in 1939 was considered science fiction! Anyway, Savaard’s young assistant Bob agrees to go through the experimental procedure, but his girlfriend freaks out and calls the cops, claiming Savaard is about to murder…

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Halloween Resurrection: ALT Title: Big Brother in Hell, but boring


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Dearest Gentle Readers, we have reached the last installment of the Halloween review series- there have been peaks and there have been subterranean valleys. Halloween Resurrection is a valley that hides under a viaduct that is peed in constantly by drunken hobos; it’s not good.  Sorry to end on a low note, but Resurrection really shit the bed. Halloween H20 was a throwback to suspense and cleverness and Resurrection is a throwback to sitting in the DMV and hoping you’ll have a cardiac event.  It is obvious to me that the writing sunk this film.  The actors in both films were pretty good.  In fact, the second film had Katee Sackhoff of BSG fame, but terrible writing can sink the greatest performances.  In this case, Halloween Resurrection had the unholy mixture of being boring and preachy.  Not a huge shocker that the person who wrote Resurrection was Larry Brand who went on to bore us by writing the script for “Girl on the Train.”  Rick Rosenthal, the Resurrection director, is very talented, but when your script is garbage, you can’t expect miracles, but you can expect a terrible movie.

We begin by learning that JLC didn’t kill her brother; It was a setup.  BLECHHH! JLC is in an asylum and MM comes in, kills her, and gives the knife to a mental patient – framing him.  I’m not writing more than that because it sucked so bad.  This opening pissed me off because it negated the better previous film and did it in a shitty way. RAGE GROWING!!! The opening sequence deserves capital punishment and then to be dug up and shot.  RAGE!

HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS OVER LONG COLD OPEN:

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*Breathes into paper bag*

Busta Rhymes and Tyra Banks are making an Internet reality show.  Sarah, the heroine, is ambivalent.  Katee Sackhoff plays a fame whore.  There’s a guy from American Pie.  There’s a very attractive Ginger.  A guy who looks like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.  A guy named Rudy.  Deckar is a 15 year old who is Sarah’s Internet Boyfriend and likely the first Internet catfish who never sees Sarah, but helps her along the way like Al in Quantum Leap (Quantum Leap was a show about how Presidents practiced nude decoupage….PROVE ME WRONG … by watching the show).

Busta and Tyra have set up all of the Internet participants to stay at the Haddonfield home of MM with crazy evil props everywhere – think if Big Brother took a psychopathic, yet boring left turn.

Deckar is convinced by his friend to go to a party and get offline because then they can meet people IRL and get laid.  Deckar’s friend has a point, but it gets belaboured because this movie sucks.  They go to a Halloween party dressed like Pulp Fiction characters because their 14 year old peers would totally get the reference somehow to a movie that came out when they were 4.  Deckar – a fifteen year old boy – sneaks away from the party, goes into a room alone, shuts the door, turns on the homeowner’s computer, gets comfy in swivel chair, goes onto the Internet, and totally does NOT engage in self-abuse….OKAY, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it! He watches the Big Brother from Hell and starts to think that there might be some real murdering going on in the BB From Hell House.

American Pie guy pervs on Katee Sackhoff and nearly gets some where, but is soon killed.

Teens walk in on Deckar, seeing him on the computer alone in the room and the teen boy shouts, PERV!  Finally, some honesty in this film in re: onanism! 

BB From Hell:  Booger tries to convince Ginger to have sex with him.  We learn that she is a”Critical Studies” major.  CRITICAL STUDIES?!!! CAN’T ANYTHING BE REAL?! Seriously movie, fuck off!  You’re not even trying!  Initially, Ginger spurns Booger’s moves, but then out of nowhere, Ginger needs to pork Booger.  FINE. 

Wait…I’m calling the police:

9-1-1: What is your emergency?

Me: I want to report an ongoing theft and assault.

9-1-1: What is being stolen and who is being assaulted?

Me: All viewers of this terrible film are having their valuable time stolen.

9-1-1: Sir, who is being assaulted?

Me: Art Itself!  FIND HIM…LARRY BRAND!

9-1-1:  Oh yeah, he did that terrible train movie thing…We’re inbound.

Sarah and the others confront Busta Rhymes about the BB House from Hell.  He admits that it’s all fake.  Soon after, all of the moderately interesting people are killed: Booger, Ginger, Katee Sackhoff, Rudy, and Tyra Banks (she’s killed off screen).

Only Busta and Sarah are left to save the day.  They battle MM and electrocute him, but he opens his eyes at the end, so whatever.

There are times when writers should be failed.

Wait, I just got a letter from Larry Brand. He apologizes for being just awful.

Halloween Havoc!: Bela Lugosi in THE CORPSE VANISHES (Monogram 1943)


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A little over a week ago I wrote about Bela Lugosi’s pairing with The East Side Kids , and mentioned what’s been come to know as “The Monogram Nine”. These Poverty Row horrors were ultra-low-budget schlockfests made quickly for wartime audiences, and though the films weren’t very good, they gave Bela a chance to once again have his name above the titles. From 1941 to 1944, the Hungarian cranked out the rubbish: THE INVISIBLE GHOST, BLACK DRAGONS, THE CORPSE VANISHES, BOWERY AT MIDNIGHT, THE APE MAN, VOODOO MAN, RETURN OF THE APE MAN, and the two East Side Kids entries. Let’s take a look at a typical Lugosi vehicle, 1943’s THE CORPSE VANISHES.

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Our story concerns young, virginal society brides who keep dying at the altar, their corpses hijacked by mysterious Dr. Lorenz (Bela, of course). The brides receive an “unusual orchid” whose “peculiar sweet odor” causes them to go into a…

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Halloween H20; ALT Title: They Stab Baby Boomers, Don’t They?


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Gentle Readers, Is it time for Michael Myers? Oh yeah.  Is it time for Halloween H20? Oh Yeah! You bet your ass it is!

Halloween H20 is a lot of fun and had a deep bench of talent.  Robert Zappia and Matt Greenberg wrote the film and Veteran Horror Director Steve Miner helmed it. Robert Zappia went on to write for Children’s Television and Graphic Novels. Matt Greenberg later wrote “Reign of Fire” and “1408” – both films had good moments of suspense.  I wrote to Robert Zappia and he informed me that the rest stop scene, which I will discuss later was written by Matt Greenberg.  He and director Steve Miner knew what they were doing to jolt us without any jumpscares.  The casting was very well done and, it was, in fact a who’s who of soon to be Stars.  Here we go!!!

Langdon, Illinois.  October 28, 1998.  I just needed to smell the clove cigarettes,  see the flannel, and not see any cell phones to know it.  A simpler time.  For the uninitiated,  the 90s were a time when you met someone that you had attraction for in person. A Nurse is concerned that her office was broken into by a person unknown. We see younger Joseph Gordon Levitt (Pre-Looper).  He was not manly in any way, but a real heart throb in his “3rd Rock” days.  Of course, they have him playing Hockey … somehow.  Nurse asks Levitt to search her home.  He goofs around and steals some beers.  The Nurse realizes that her files were stolen.  Which files? Wait for it…. Laurie Strode’s.  She looks around for Levitt and his friend.  They were not so creatively killed with Hockey Skates to the face.  He kills her too and steals her car.  There is also a bit of continuity trouble with the daylight turning to night abruptly.  Let’s take a moment and think about this: Michael Myers is really good at intelligence gathering, stealing, and killing.  If only we could harness his skills for Uncle Sugar…..

We’re goin back to Haddonfield to Haddonfield to Haddonfield …. Nah, I don’t think so! [sung]

Random California Town:  We see Jamie Lee Curtis fresh off from “True Lies”and the Headmistress of an elite boarding school.   She has a grown son- Josh Hartnett (Josh) who really really wants to go camping in Yosemite.  She won’t let him go.  Sorry Josh, you’re just gonna have to stay home and make out with Michelle Williams.  How will he possibly manage?!  Speaking of the 90s, we’ve got Michelle Williams (MW), Chicago Hope Guy (CHG), Jodi Lynn O’Keefe (Jodi), LL Cool J (LL Cool J), and Ally McBeal (jk on this last one…probably).  Through some not bad showing not telling, we learn:  LL Cool J is an aspiring trashy romance novel writer AKA as a Paaaaaperback Wriiiiiiter, Jamie Lee and CHG are k-i-s-s-i-n-g, Jodi is dating a guy way below her level of hotness, and we can tell Michelle Williams is on financial aid because she works in the kitchen and uses a dumbwaiter.

CUT TO: A Mom pulls into a rest stop.  We see the stolen car in the BG. This scene is pretty goddamn suspenseful! Well done, Robert Zappia.  MM isn’t there to kill, just steal the mom’s car.  Damn, MM is a great car thief!

Josh is all in lurve with Michelle Williams, sending her flowers in the dumbwaiter.  JLC and CHG make out again. These are the horniest baby boomers ever! Josh wants to go into town.  JLC says no. He convinces LL Cool J to let him sneak out. LL, I get it – Josh is dreamy, but you have a job responsibilities.  Plus, I don’t think he’s the supermarket romance novel kind of guy; Josh’s more of the porking Michelle Williams kind of guy. JLC is out with CHG and snakes a drink when he goes to the bathroom.  Good showing! She catches Josh off the compound…I mean school grounds.  He lets her have it.

Back to the school:  JLC releases the kids to Yosemite and her son so she believes so that the victims ….I mean residents….can be a …killable number.  JLC gets home and boozes up.  Josh has totally Dawson’s Creeked the make out basement area.  I’m with Josh on this one. I’ve been to Yosemite and Yellowstone and thye’ve got Old Faithful, but if Michelle Williams is your other option …I don’t even want to write choice because Old Faithful could get its feelings hurt.  I’m not saying that Josh isn’t planning on some regularly scheduled eruptions coupled with amateur photography, but it’s likely not at a national park.

JLC and CHG are making out … again. She tells him all about her brother being a murdering sociopath to set the mood and give herself an excuse to polish off more vodka.

This story has been pretty compelling, but it’s stabbing time.  MM finds the way too ugly to date Jodi O’Keefe guy, cuts his throat, and puts him in the dumbwaiter.  MM really likes things in their place; it makes you wonder if psychopathic murderers are OCD people gone to a terrible extreme. I knew a girl in college who would check her car doors to see if they were locked over and over.  Maybe she murdered people too?   Jodi looks for her BF and gets stalked by MM.  She flees to the dumbwaiter and is next to her dead BF.  She gets to the basement, but as she exits, MM cuts the dumbwaiter cord, the dumbwaiter lands on her leg, and her leg breaks horribly.  Josh and Michelle find their friends all dead.   They run to JLC.  She sees her brother – Yikes.  They must have the most awkward Thanksgivings! Seriously, it must be much worse than the year my girls and I wore Bernie Sanders shirts and my mom started quoting Ayn Rand over stuffing.  

They all run and CHG accidentally shoots LL J.  Bummer.  CHG gets stabbed for his trouble.  JLC ,MW, and Josh run, but he gets wounded and MW hits MM with a rock.  Michelle Williams might be perfect: smart, can cook, gorgeous, can fight … Call Me.  JLC badasses and sends MW and Josh off to safety as she gets an axe to deal with her brother. You go girl!   They confront each other in the dining hall.  It’s a pretty amazingly suspenseful scene.  Seriously, the writer and director really kicked ass with this and many other scenes.  Well done.  JLC gets the upper hand and stabs MM.  She’s ready to cut him up into bits when LL shows up, telling her he’s dead.  Word?  If only LL had been reading our reviews, he would know that this is not the end.

The Coroners show up, but JLC isn’t having it! She grabs the van and proceeds to drive MM out to the woods and chop his head off.  Pretty awesome ending! I have to be honest this film is not really dated, it has terrific suspense, great writing, edgy directing.  I would recommend making this a staple of Halloween season viewing.

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Horror on the Lens: Panic at Lakewood Manor (dir by Robert Scheerer)


Today’s horror on the lens is a made-for-TV movie from 1977.  This movie has many different names: Panic at Lakewood Manor, It Happened At Lakewood Manor, and Ants.

Panic at Lakewood Manor is a mix of different genres.  It’s a disaster film, a soap opera, and ultimately a revenge-of-nature horror film.  The film begins with our cast gathering at Lakewood Manor, a luxury hotel that’s only partially finished.  In fact, the owners are so determined to complete construction that they ignore the threat posed by …. KILLER ANTS!

Anyway, this is a made-for-TV movie from the 70s so it’s never as graphic as what we’d expect to see today.  That said, I once accidentally stepped on a fire ant mound while I was barefoot and OH MY GOD DID THAT EVER HURT!  AGCK!

If you’re a fan of old movies, you’ll enjoy seeing a lot of familiar faces in this one.  Even Myrna Loy shows up!

(Incidentally, this film was written by Guerdon Trueblood, who directed the brilliant The Candy Snatchers.)

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Bleed (dir by Tripp Rahme)


What happens when you take a little Paranormal Activity and mix it in with a little Rosemary’s Baby and then toss in Devil’s Due and then top it all off with a sprinkle of Deliverance and The Chernobyl Diaries and just a hint of the remake of I Spit On Your Grave?

You end up with a big ol’ mess of a movie.  I just watched Bleed on Netflix and the plot is so convoluted that I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I just watched.

But, before I try to figure this all out, let’s take a look at the trailer:

Sarah (Chelsey Crisp) is a newlywed who appears to have it all.  She’s got a wonderful husband, Matt (Michael Steger), they’ve got a beautiful house out in the country, and even more importantly, they’ve got a baby on the way!  So what if the nearby town seems to be a little bit creepy and is full of country-accented men with beards?  And so what if there’s a deserted prison nearby, one that is rumored to be haunted by the spirit of a preacher-turned-serial killer who died when a fire broke out at the prison?  And what about that mysterious woman who keeps showing up in the nearby field and screaming like a banshee?  That’s just local color!  Anyone who thinks that’s unusual has obviously never lived in Oklahoma or visited Hot Springs, Arkansas.

In order to celebrate their new home, Sarah and Matt decide to invite their best friends out to the house.  Dave (Elimu Nelson) and Bree (Brittany Ishibashi) are a likable couple, especially now that Bree is regularly taking her medication.  Bree is schizophrenic and hears voices when she doesn’t take her meds.  To the film’s credit, it portrays Bree as a positive character and never goes down the path that I feared it would follow.

Suddenly, Sarah’s good-for-nothing brother, Eric (Riley Smith) shows up.  His girlfriend, Skye (Lyndon Smith) is with him.  The first thing that Eric does is ask for money.  The second thing that Eric does is get high.  The third thing that Eric does is talk about how he and Skye have spent the past few months driving across America and searching for ghosts.  And hey, isn’t there a haunted prison somewhere nearby?

Meanwhile, Skye takes a bath.  While she’s in the bathtub, she suddenly see an evil-looking apparition standing over her.  She screams for help and Matt responds.  The apparition has vanished.  Sarah glares at Matt and the towel-clad Skye.  “I didn’t know she’d be half-naked!”  Matt protests.  Of course not!  Why would someone get undressed before taking a bath?

Anyway, Eric convinces everyone but Sarah to search for ghosts with them.  Sarah drops them off at the ruins of the prison, promises to come back for them in a few hours, and then starts back home.  Unfortunately, she has an accident on the way back and ends up getting a ride with a creepy deputy.  And it quickly becomes clear that the deputy isn’t in any hurry to get her back home…

Meanwhile, at the prison, all Hell breaks loose.  Skye sees another evil spirit.  Eric’s throat gets slashed but oddly, it stops bleeding after a few seconds.  Voices are heard.  Objects move.  So many Paranormal Activity-type things occur that I’m actually surprised (and relieved) that Bleed wasn’t a found footage film…

One thing that Bleed does is that it keeps you guessing.  At first, I assumed it would be another city folk vs. hillbillies type of film but then it turned into a ghost story.  And, for a long while, I thought it was just another ghost story but then it turned out to be something different all together.  Admittedly, the film sometimes struggles to handle the constant shift in tone but, oddly, that kinda works.  It definitely keeps the viewer off-balance.

As you might expect from a film that’s constantly changing tone, Bleed is a bit uneven but it’s definitely a watchable and intriguing horror film and the film makes good use of that atmospheric prison.  For a lot of viewers, Bleed will probably be a love-it-or-hate-it type of film.  It’s well-directed but the story is just almost unnecessarily complicated.  My recommendation is that you watch it and judge for yourself.

 

 

Even Ant-Man Had To Start Somewhere: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995, directed by Joe Chappelle)


halloween6coverLong before he was either Ant-Man or Judd Apatow’s favorite leading man, Paul Rudd was just another young actor looking for his first break.  He got it in 1995 when he was cast in the latest entry in the Halloween franchise.  Though Clueless was released first, the man who would be Brian Fantana got his introducing credit for Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers.  (He’s credited as Paul Stephen Rudd.)

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers was Miramax’s attempt to reboot the franchise by ignoring everything that made the first Halloween such a success in the first place.  John Carpenter’s Halloween was the epitome of simplicity, with Michael Myers portrayed as being an almost entirely motiveless killing machine.  One reason why Michael was scary was because he didn’t have any reason for killing other than he was evil.  (It was not until Halloween II that Laurie was discovered to be Michael’s sister and Samhain came into play.)

In Halloween 6, Michael (played by stuntman George P. Wilbur) is suddenly revealed to be afflicted with the Curse of the Thorn.  Because of the curse, he is required to serve as some sort of indestructible hit man for a cult of Druids (!) who are operating out of the basement of Smith Grove’s Sanitarium (!!), the same mental hospital that Michael escaped from at the start of the first film.  The head of the cult is Dr. Wynn (Mitchell Ryan), who was Sam Loomis’s boss in the first movie.

963589_032Donald Pleasence is back as Dr. Sam Loomis but it is not a happy return.  This was Pleasence’s final film and, in his few scenes, it is obvious that he was not in good health and his famous voice had been reduced to a hoarse rasp.  Pleasence died shortly after filming his scenes, which meant that he wasn’t available for the reshoots that Miramax demanded after the first cut of the film tested badly.  Add that to the fact that director Joe Chapelle reportedly had not seen any of the previous Halloweens, did not find the Loomis character to be interesting, and cut him out of several scenes and Dr. Loomis is barely in The Curse of Michael Myers.

Instead, most of the film is centered around Tommy Doyle (Rudd).  Yes, the same Tommy Doyle for whom Laurie babysat in the first Halloween.  Tommy has figured out that, because of the curse, Michael has to kill his next of kin every Halloween.  How did Tommy figure that out?  I don’t know and the film doesn’t know.  It’s like trying to figure out how Sean Connery knew where the Holy Grail was in Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade.

Michael’s next of kin was Jamie Lloyd but, at the end of Halloween 5, she was kidnapped by the Cult of Thorn and held prisoner for six years.  For some reason, Michael did not kill her while she was being held captive.  Instead, Jamie was impregnated, gave birth to a baby boy named Stephen, and then escaped.  Though she was eventually killed by Michael, Tommy found the baby and has to protect the baby from Michael and the Cult.

list12Why does the Cult want the baby?  Why do birds suddenly appear whenever you are near?  There is no explanation, it’s just something that happens.

 

Michael comes back to Haddonfield to track down his grandnephew.  He also finds time to kill more members of the dysfunctional Strode family.  Luckily, Kara Stroe (Marianne Hagan) and her son, Danny, survive.  Danny is having dreams about killing people which would seem to suggest that he has inherited the Curse of the Thorn, except that the Strodes are not actually related to the Myers family so it doesn’t make any damn sense.

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After six films, it not always easy to keep track of how everyone is related.  Let’s see if I can do it:

Laurie Myers is the younger sister of Michael Myers and Judith Myers.  In 1963, when Michael is 6 and Laurie is 2, Michael murders Judith.  Michael goes to Smith’s Grove Sanitarium, where he is treated by Dr. Loomis and secretly raised by the Cult of the Thorn.  Mr. and Mrs. Myers die in 1965 and Laurie is adopted by the Strodes.  Laurie has no memory of being a Myers.

jamie-lee-curtis-mar-5-2011-2-600In 1978, Michael “escapes” from Smith’s Grove and tries to kill Laurie.  Both he and Dr. Loomis get blown up at the hospital.

Between 1978 and 1988, Laurie marries someone named Lloyd and they have a daughter named Jamie.  But then Laurie and her husband die in a traffic accident and Jamie is raised by her foster family, the Carruthers.  Except Laurie didn’t really die but instead faked her death and abandoned her daughter which seems like a shitty thing to do.

In 1988, it turns out that both Michael and Dr. Loomis survived being blown up and consumed by a raging inferno.  Michael again escapes from custody and goes to Haddonfield.  He tries to kill Jamie but instead ends up falling down a mine shaft.  Jamie goes home and tries to kill her foster mother.

In 1989, Michael turns out to be alive again and tries to kill Jamie for a second time.  The Man In Black, who is somehow connected to the the Cult of Thorn, shows up and breaks Michael out of jail and kidnaps Jamie.

Then, six years later, Jamie has a son named Stephen and is finally killed by Michael.  Meanwhile, Laurie’s uncle, John Strode (Bradford English), has moved into the old Myers house because why not live in the house formerly inhabited by a serial killer who tried to murder your family?  Living with them is Laurie’s cousins, Kara and Tim (Kieth Bogart) and Kara’s son, Danny.

Meanwhile, Laurie is in the witness protection program and teaching school but you don’t have to worry about that until Halloween: H20.

Got all that?

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I haven’t even gotten to the sleazy radio DJ who wants to do a live Halloween broadcast from inside the old Myers House.  There’s not much to say about him beyond noting that the role was originally offered to Howard Stern.

There are two versions of The Curse of Michael Myers floating around.  There’s the producer’s cut, which goes into more detail about the druids and attempts to fill some of the continuity gaps in the franchise.  Then there’s the theatrical edition, which was what Miramax released into theaters.  I have only seen the theatrical cut, which is a confusing mess.

While the producer’s cut features Michael being defeated by Celtic magic (which sounds stupid but would actually go with what’s already been established in the movie), the theatrical cut ends with Michael, who has previously survived being shot six times by Dr. Loomis, falling down a mine shaft, and literally blowing up, somehow being beaten into submission by Paul Rudd and a lead pipe.  Is there nothing that Paul Rudd cannot do?

Mr. Rudd, the town of Haddonfield owes you a debt of gratitude.

You stay classy, Haddonfield.

You stay classy, Haddonfield.