Author Archives: Lisa Marie Bowman

Retro Television Review: Quarterback Princess (dir by Noel Black)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1983’s Quarterback Princess.  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Quarterback Princess begins with Ralph Maida (Don Murray) dropping in on the coach of a high school football team in the small town of Minnvile, Oregon.  Ralph explains that he and his family are going to be relocating to the town from Canada.  His eldest child wants to play football and Ralph is curious as to when the team will be holding the tryouts.  The coach asks what position Ralph’s son plays.  Ralph explains that Tami is his daughter and she plays quarterback.  After an awkward moment of silence, the coach explains that he’ll have to talk to the school board.

Yes, Quarterback Princess is one of those films.  It’s an only girl on the team film, in which an athletic teenager has to convince not only her male teammates but also all of the stodgy old people that she can play just as well as the boys.  On the one hand, films (and shows, as Degrassi had an entire storyline about Jane trying to get on the school’s football team) like this are usually entertaining because it’s fun to watch a girl succeed while all of the men sputter with outrage until the team starts winning.  On the other hand, they’re always a little bit difficult for me to relate to because I would honestly have no interest in doing what Tami’s doing and it’s hard for me to understand why anyone else would either.  I mean, seriously why would anyone want to live in Oregon when Montana’s just a short drive away?

Quarterback Princess is based on a true story.  In real life, Tami Maida was 14 year old when she joined her high school football team as their quarterback.  That season, the team had a record of 7-1 and they won the state championship.  Tami was also elected Homecoming Queen that seem year.  The parts of the movie that seem like the type of thing that only a screenwriter could come up actually happened.  Helen Hunt, who was 20 years old at the time, plays Tami.  When I watched the film, I thought Hunt did a good job in the scenes off field but I thought she was a bit unconvincing when she was actually playing the game and throwing the ball.  Fortunately, I did some research before I actually wrote this review and I discovered that Tami served as Helen Hunt’s stand-in during the film and, in most of the game scenes, that actually is Tami throwing the ball and running around the field.  That shows you how much I know about football.

Quarterback Princes is definitely a made-for-television production.  These are the only high school football players in existence who neither drink nor curse.  For that matter, the coaches are surprisingly nice as well.  That said, it isn’t bad.  The best scenes are the ones that feature Tami and her family adjusting to Tami’s sudden fame.  Daphne Zuniga gives a sympathetic performance as Tami’s sister, who is not particularly happy about how Tami’s sudden fame has changed everyone’s lives.  The always likable John Stockwell plays Tami’s boyfriend and the two of them are a believable couple.  Noel Black, who also directed Pretty Poison, does a good job of keeping the action moving at a steady pace.  Probably the worse thing you can say about this film is that it was a bit predictable but, in this case, all of the predictable stuff actually happened so what can you do?

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 9/11/22 — 9/17/22

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Though I’ve been busy getting ready for October, I still found time to watch a few things!

Atlanta (Thursday Night, FX)

Donald Glover’s wonderfully surreal series has returned for its fourth and final season.  The first two episodes aired on FX this week.

The first episode was strange, funny, and more than a little creepy.  Darius’s attempts to return a gift that he didn’t need led to him being pursued by a knife-wielding white woman in a wheelchair.  Al’s attempt to honor the memory of a recently deceased singer led him on a scavenger hunt and it also served as a rather moving meditation on just what exactly it means to be famous and whether or not anyone actually pays attention to the lyrics of the music to which they listen.  Finally, Earn and Van found themselves trapped in some weird section of Atlanta where they kept running into people that they had dated.  Along with letting everyone know that the show had returned from Europe, this episode was a perfect example of the show’s dream logic.

The second episode is one that I’m still processing.  The ending presents the viewer with a bit of a litmus test.  Who do you feel bad for, Earn or the woman whose life he ruined?  Is it possible to feel bad for both of them?  Even if it’s possible to do so, should you feel bad for both of them?  Reading the reactions online, I was reminded of something that Spike Lee pointed out about Do The Right Thing, in that black audiences were outraged that the police killed Radio Raheem while white audiences were usually more upset about Sal losing his business.  It was a thought-provoking episode.  It was also one that finally gave audiences a look into Earn’s mind, revealing not only why he dropped out of Princeton but also that he was the victim of childhood abuse.  (That might explain the nightmare that he had a the start of the third season.)  The episode ended with Earn celebrating his elaborate revenge while also realizing that he he needed to return to the therapy.

The Bachelorette (Tuesday Night, ABC)

So, after the end of the first part of the finale (seriously, of all the seasons to drag out, why this one?), Gabby is pretty much stuck with Erich and Rachel is stuck with Tino.  I don’t see any of this ending well.  To be honest, Erich has every right to be concerned about the idea of getting engaged on a reality show.  And Aden had every right to be worried about what his relationship with Rachel would be like once the show ended.  But, as many have pointed out, everyone knows what they’re getting into when they sign up to appear on this show.

So, in short, I have sympathy for no one but Meatball.

Big Brother 24 (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

The season’s nearly over!  I’ve been writing about all of it at the Big Brother Blog!

The Challenge (Wednesday Night, CBS)

The Challenge came to a two-hour conclusion this week.  Enzo and Tyson …. well, neither one of them was the winner.  It’s always strange when the people who dominate a reality show don’t end up winning.  Instead, Danny and Sarah won.  I was happy to see that two Survivors won the game but still, it’s kind of like who cares?

The Emmys (Monday Night, NBC)

Eh.  The Emmys never really do much for me and I have to admit that I largely had the show on for background noise.  (I was actually watching two movies — Flight 93 and then Seven — while occasionally checking in with the Emmys.)  I was happy that Amanda Seyfried won but Yellowjackets losing to Succession and Barry losing to Ted Lasso pretty much ruined the night for me.  As well, how did Bob Odenkirk not win an Emmy?

Jimmy Kimmel getting dragged for his stupid “passed out” routine was the most entertaining part of the night.  Many have correctly pointed out that he intruded on Quinta Brunson’s moment.  Technically, his joke would have intruded on any winner’s moment but the fact that it occurred while the first black woman to win the Emmy for Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series attempted to give her acceptance speech definitely made matters worse.

Of course, some of this is the risk you take whenever you have a comedian serve as a presenter at an awards show.  That’s one reason why I cringe whenever I see a certain former SNL star presenting an Oscar or a Golden Globe because I automatically know that there’s no way he’s going to give up the spotlight without a fight.

Devil in Ohio (Netflix)

This miniseries is about a psychiatrist (in Ohio!) who allows a girl to live with her and her family after the girl escapes from a Satanic cult that is led by her father (in Oho!).  Emily Deschanel plays the psychiatrist and gives a performance that will really leave you wishing they had cast Zooey instead.

I watched the first episode on Monday morning and it felt almost like a parody of a typical Netflix show, right down to the middling performances, the unnecessary filler, and the performative wokeness.  A good deal of the show dealt with Deschanel’s daughter starting a new year in high school.  She has a crush on the editor of the school newspaper and I have to admit that I laughed out loud when he approached her and he just happened to be wearing a “Notorious RBG” t-shirt.  I’m sure that’s really a hot seller in rural Ohio.

As for the show itself, I was pretty bored and I doubt I’m going to watch more of it.

Full House (Sunday Evening, MeTV)

Aunt Becky finally had the twins!  For some reason, the birth was broadcast on Good Morning, San Francisco.  Why would Aunt Becky agree to this?  Anyway, I guess Uncle Jesse’s going to have to give up his silly dreams of rock stardom and become an adult now, right?

Inspector Lewis (YouTube)

Lewis and Hobson are a cute couple but there are still murders to be solved.  And Hathaway is still struggling with all the evil in the world.  The episode that I watched this week featured an elderly professor getting run over by a car.  I hate to admit it but I watched the episode on Tuesday and, as I type of this review on Saturday, I can’t remember who the murderer was.  I just know that Lewis didn’t seem to be as a depressed as usual and that’s good thing.

The Love Boat (Paramount+)

On the one hand, this show makes me want to go on a cruise.  But, on the other hand, I specifically want to go on a cruise in 1977 and I want all of the passengers to be a mix of television actors and retired movie stars.  I need a time machine.

Mike Judge’s Beavis and Butt-Head (Paramount+)

Old Beavis and Butt-Head kind of freak me out but it was still fun to watch them serve on a jury.  That said, I was still relieved when the younger and more hopeful versions of the characters appeared in the episode’s second story.  The Freaky Friday twist was nice.  I liked how the dude waited for his girlfriend to go into the 7-11 before he smashed Beavis and Butt-Head’s heads together for a second time.  That was considerate of him.

Monarch (Tuesday Night, FOX)

This is the latest attempt at a guilty pleasure soap from a network that specializes in them.  Trace Adkins and Susan Sarandon play Albie and Dottie Roman, the King and Queen of Country Music.  Judging from the first episode, it looks like it could be fun.  Albie is known as being “the Texas truth teller” but has a history of infidelity.  Dottie is dying and has frequent visions of a burning barn.  All of the children are angry with each other for one reason or another.  Like I said, fun.

If nothing else, you have to appreciate the bizarre pairing of the unapologetically conservative Trace Adkins with outspoken Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon.  It’s fun to imagine the set of the show, with Adkins having a beer and talking about his new truck while Sarandon harangues everyone to read Das Kapital.  Anyway, this show seems like it could be melodramatic enough to hold my interest.  I’ll give it a chance.

The premiere episode ended, in true cliffhanger fashion, with Dottie apparently dying.  We’ll see if she’s actually dead or not next week, I guess.  If she is dead, will Sarandon appear in flashbacks or as a ghost?  I’m hoping as a ghost.

Retro Television Review: California Dreams 1.5 “The First Gig” and 1.6 “Friends First”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

The saga of California’s blandest garage band continues.

Is anyone reading this a surf dude with attitude?

Actually, wait a minute.  Didn’t I use the exact same introduction last week?  Eh. It’s the first season of California Dreams, a show that was constructed out of unused story ideas for Saved By The Bell.  A little bit of deja vu is understandable.

Episode 1.5 “The First Gig”

(Directed by Don Barnhart, Originally aired on October 10th, 1992)

Wimpy California dude Matt Garrison has formed a band called the California Dreams.  Matt plays guitar and sings.  Matt’s sister, Jenny, plays keyboards and sings.  Tony Wickes plays drums and works at Sharkey’s, the most popular restaurant on the beach.  Tiffani plays bass and surfs.  Matt’s best friend, Sly, wants to manage the band and he even gets them their first gig!  Sly arranges for them to play Randi-Jo’s birthday party.  Matt totally has a crush on Randi-Jo….

Wait, this doesn’t make any sense.  First gig?  The California Dreams have had plenty of gigs!  They’ve even got a fanbase.  Sly already is the band’s manager.  And Matt’s been dating Randi-Jo since the show began.  What the Hell!?

Well, it turns out that the fifth episode aired of California Dreams was actually the first episode filmed.  The First Gig also served as a pilot for the show but, when the show went into production, the pilot was shown during the middle of the season as opposed to the beginning.  This, of course, led to a mess of continuity errors….

Of course, that’s not a surprise to anyone who has watched any of the shows that Peter Engel produced as a part of TNBC.  Maintaining continuity or, for that matter, any sort of consistency was never a huge concern.  And they got away with it because it was the 90s and its not as if the people watching the show could have jumped on twitter and complained about how it didn’t make any sense.

As for the pilot itself …. eh.  I can understand why this pilot would have led to a show, as the cast was good-looking in a very nonthreatening way.  But good Lord, is the music ever dull!  Fortunately, the music would improve sometime around the start of the third season but, while watching the pilot, I found myself wondering why a group of teenagers would want to start a band to play the type of music that their parents probably listened to on the easy listening station.  Judging from the pilot, the Dreams were the only teenagers in 90s America who had never heard of Nirvana.

Episode 1.6 “Friends First”

(Directed by Don Barnhart, Originally aired on October 17th, 1992)

Continuity continues to go out the window as this episode opens with Sly trying to convince Sharkey to hire the Dreams to play at his restaurant, despite the fact that we’ve already seen the Dreams playing Sharkey’s several times over the past few episodes.

While Sly tries to make money, Matt’s friend from music camp comes to visit and both Jenny and Tiffani fall for him after discovering that he’s lost over 200 pounds since his music camp days.  It leads to a typical TNBC situation in which Jenny and Tiffani learn to not let liking the same boy ruin their friendship.  To be honest, my main reaction to this episode was a strange sense of annoyance with Matt.  Seriously, he was exactly the type of kid who would go to music camp and come back as a huge music snob.  One can just imagine Matt ruthlessly critiquing every other band in the world.  “I didn’t care much for that bridge …. the pitch is not perfect …. here’s where you need to drop the chorus….”  Shut up, Matt.  It’s supposed to be about the feelings and the emotions!

AMV of the Day: The Boxer (Midori no Hibi)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

How about an AMV of the Day, one featuring The Chemical Brothers? That sound like a good idea to me.

Anime: Midori no Hibi

Song: The Boxer (by The Chemical Brothers)

Creator: Blanxii (please subscribe to this creator’s channel)

Past AMVs of the Day

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Mikey with #ScarySocial

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, I will be hosting 1992’s Mikey!

Mikey is the heart-warming story of a 9 year-old with a crush.  Mikey also has amazing skills with a bow and arrow.  Not only that but he also knows how electricity works.  As his foster father put it, “Mikey’s perfect!”  If only the people around Mikey would stop dying….

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag!  The film is available on Prime and a few other streaming sites.  I’ll be there co-hosting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Retro Television Review: One World 1.5 “Community Service” and 1.6 “The 12 Steps to Ben”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

When last we checked in with Miami’s favorite foster family, Jane was apologizing for trying to steal a watch for her foster father’s birthday.  It was a sweet moment.  Let’s see if the show continued to build on that momentum.

Because you know what?  We’re living in one world….

Episode 1.5 “Community Service”

(directed by Chuck Vinson, originally aired on October 10th, 1998)

“This party blows!” Jane declares, “There’s no fights!  Nothing’s been broken!  No one’s fallen off the roof!”

Yes, the Blake children are throwing a party because their foster parents are out for the night.  Unfortunately, the music gets too loud so the police come by and issue them a citation for disturbing the peace.  The Blake parents convince the judge to give their children community service.  “Community service is for punks!” Jane declares.

Marci, Jane, Neal, and Ben end up volunteering at the hospital, where they learn how to help the sick.  Neal and Ben both fall in love with a doctor who, shockingly, doesn’t want much to do with teenagers who are doing court-mandated community service.  Marci nearly kills a patient when she sells him a hot dog, nachos, and a cigar.  Jane bonds with an initially hostile boy her age who is terminally ill.  This episode would have been super depressing if not for the fact that the hospital set was obviously the same one that was used in Saved By The Bell when Zach had to have knee surgery.

Fortunately, the B-plot was more fun.  Sui had to bake a cake for a class but, unfortunately, Mrs. Blake was stuck in bed with the flu.  So, Mr. Blake had to help Sui with the baking and yes, it was a disaster.  I laughed because I knew Sui’s struggle.  Baking isn’t as easy as the commercials make it seem.  Plus, Sui’s the coolest member of the family.

At the end of the show, Neal and Ben ended up delivering a baby in a stalled elevator and Jane takes the dying kid to the Warehouse so that he can experience “Miami’s hottest under 21 club.”

Episode 1.6 “The 12 Steps To Ben”

(directed by Chuck Vinson, originally aired on October 17th, 1998)

I guess Jane’s new boyfriend died after the end of the fifth episode because the sixth episode finds her in love with her new stepbrother, Ben.  Unfortunately for Jane, Ben has a new girlfriend, Alex (Jordana Spiro).  Unfortunately for Ben, Alex is an alcoholic.  Unfortunately for Alex, Ben is a recovering alcoholic and he tricks her into going to an AA meeting.  In other words, the Saturday night date is now assumed.  That’s the first sign of a committed relationship.  They’re as good as married now!

Every TNBC show always had at least a few episodes that centered around drinking.  Unfortunately, they always made it looks like everyone was having too much fun whenever they were drunk so I imagine they probably inspired most of their viewers to think, “I can’t wait until I can try that!”

Since the main plot was pretty heavy, the B-plot featured Marci and Sui selling candy bars and …. getting arrested.  These kids sure did get arrested a lot.

Wow, those two episodes were kind of heavy.  Will One World ever lighten up?  We’ll find out next week!

A Blast From The Past: Renee Zellweger for Diet Coke

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

In the year 2000, Renee Zellweger was not only starring in movies and working her way to eventually winning two Oscars.  She was also apparently spying on her neighbor across the street.

Did it not occur to this guy to get curtains for his bathroom?  And also, how loudly is he singing that Renee can hear all of the lyrics to I Want You Want Me?  If Renee can hear him from across the street, I can only imagine what it must be like to live right next door to the guy.

That said, I do think this is kind of a cute commercial.  The guy is adorable in his dorky way and I’d probably watch him too.  But I don’t think he and Renee are ever going to get together because it might kind of creep him out to know that she’s been watching him in the shower for all this time.  To be honest, this commercial feels more like a Sandra Bullock movie than a vehicle for Renee Zellweger.

And what exactly does any of this have to do with Diet Coke?

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Road House!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  The movie?  1989’s Road House!

The name is Dalton!  Everyone thought that Dalton would be bigger but he’s the second best bouncer in the world and if anything happens to Wade Garrett, he’ll be the absolute best.  He’s a legend but can he clean up the wildest bar in Missouri?  Will Ben Gazzara convince him to switch sides?  Will Doc convince him to give peace a chance?  And will Tinker ever get over his fear of polar bears?  Just remember, pain don’t hurt.  Be nice until it’s time not to be nice.  And always check the boots for blades.

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Road House is available on Prime and Netflix!

See you there!

Retro Television Review: City Guys 1.5 “The Dance” and 1.6 “The Communication Gap”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

C. I. T. Y.  These guys, the neat guys, are smart and street-wise….

Episode 1.5 “The Dance”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, Aired on October 4th, 1997)

L-Train is back!  

(For the record, Wikipedia swears that the character was named L-Train.  IMDb says it was El-Train.  I’ll probably switch back and forth as I review this show.)

Last seen threatening to kill Jamal and Chris at the end of the first episode, EL-Train returns in The Dance.  If he was the school bully in the first episode, this episode presents us with the L-Train who would be present for the rest of the series.  This EL-Train is a dim-witted but well-intentioned and dedicated to trying to turn his life around.  Steven Daniel’s portrayal of L-Train was one of the (few) highlights of City Guys and El-Train was really the only character on the show who had any depth.  The best of the show’s occasional “serious” episodes were the ones where he was tempted to return to his old lifestyle of being the school bully.

In this episode, El-Train asks Cassidy to the school dance and she accepts.  “Awwww!” the audience says.  However, El-Train wanting to date Cassidy is only one of my subplots revolving around Manny High’s fall dance.

Al wants to DJ.  Dawn wants the dance to be a success.  Ms. Noble wants to get through the night without there being any drama like at the last school dance.  (What happened at the last dance is never really described, which is odd.  It makes the viewer wonder if maybe someone fell off the roof of the school or something.  Did I mention that all of the school’s dances are held on the roof?)  And Chris wants to go to the dance with Kaisha who just happens to be Jamal’s sister!

(Cue the audience: “Woooo!”)

But wait a minute, this seems familiar.  Remember, on Saved By The Bell, when it was suddenly revealed that Slater had a sister who no one had ever previously talked about?  Zach took her out on a date and Slater got upset about it, for much the same reason that Jamal gets upset at Chris.  And didn‘t Saved By The Bell have an episode where Mr. Belding was worried about holding a school dance after something happened at the previous one?  And didn’t Screech somehow always end up as the DJ?

My point is that there’s really nothing original to be found in this episode but it’s still better than the four episodes that came before it.  Kaisha wisely rejects both Chris and Jamal, telling them that they’re both controlling jerks.  (“Yay!” says the audience.)  Chris and Jamal realize how much they have in common and share a very uncomfortable laugh.  Ms. Noble demands that Chris and Jamal dance with her.  (“Woooo!’ the audience says.)  For the first time, during this episode, the cast really seems to click.  As Jamal and Chris, Wesley Jonathan and Scott Whyte finally seem to have adapted to each other’s rhythms.  Jamal is called out for being overprotective.  Chris gets called out for lacking ambition.  Neither one is in the right.  This is probably about as nuanced as one could ever hope for an episode of City Guys to get.

Episode 1.6 “The Communication Gap”

(Directed by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 11, 1997)

After starting a food fight at the cafeteria, Chris and Jamal are in trouble once again!  Ms. Noble calls their fathers.  Jamal’s father (well-played by Ivory Ocean) shows up and proves himself to be a firm but loving disciplinarian.  Chris’s father sends his personal assistant.

Somehow, this leads to Chris living with Jamal and his father while Chris’s father is away on business.  To pay for his room and board, Chris ends up working at the diner that’s owned by Jamal’s father.  Unfortunately, because they’re so eager to see the new Jim Carrey film, Chris and Jamal leave work early and get in trouble.  Seeing how Jamal and his father handle things, Chris is inspired to fix his relationship with his own father.  (“Awwwww!” say the audience.)

This episode was …. actually, it was okay.  Ivory Ocean gave a really good performance was Jamal’s father and the show actually took some time to consider why Chris has all of the issues with trust that he has.  It was a little weird to see everyone getting so excited over a Jim Carrey movie but then I reminded myself the episode was made before Jim married Jenny McCarthy and went all anti-vaxx.

So, that’s two good episodes of City Guys in a row!  Could the show be turning a corner?  We shall see next week!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 1.2 “A Tasteful Affair / Oh, Dale! / The Main Event”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time to set sail on adventure and set your mind on a new romance!

Episode 1.2 “A Tasteful Affair / Oh, Dale! / The Main Event”

(Directed by Richard Kinon, Adam Rafkin, and Stuart Margolin, originally aired on October 1st, 1977)

The second episode of The Love Boat was all about fighting lovers.

For instance, one storyline — I assume it’s the one that was called “The Main Event” — features Sherman Hemsley as Maurice Marshall and LaWanda Page as his wife, Stella.  From the minute that they get on the boat, Maurice and Stella are arguing but it soon becomes obvious that, like many couples who have been together for a while, arguing is just the way that they express their love for each other.  The insults may be frequent but they’re always affectionate, which is kind of sweet.  Anyway, while on their way to dinner in the ship’s lounge, they get stuck in an elevator.  After arguing about the best way to escape from the elevator, they end up making out.  Of course, when the doors to the elevator do finally open, Captain Stubing and Gopher see that the couple, rather than being dead, are instead making good use of the space.  Everyone laughs.  Seriously, that’s the entire story.  Two people get suck in an elevator and make out.  That’s it.  You know, you can fool around on a moving elevator as well.  You don’t have to fry the circuitry ahead of time.  Just listen for the ping before the elevator doors open.

In a rather more serious storyline, Jaclyn Smith plays Janette Bradford, the wife of a wealthy but heartless man named Lucas (David Knapp).  Lucas is convinced that Janette is only taking the cruise alone because she’s planning on cheating on him.  Lucas hires a private investigator named Dennis Kingsley (Dennis Cole) to watch her on the boat.  Dennis soon discovers that Janette is not cheating on her husband but instead, she took the cruise because she needed a break from his controlling and emotionally abusive ways.  Dennis ends up falling in love with Janette and Janette with him.  However, Dennis also knows that he’s going to have to tell her the truth about why he’s on the cruise.  It doesn’t quite lead to heartbreak but it’s still far more serious than anything you might expect to see on a show of The Love Boat‘s reputation.  Jaclyn Smith, it should be said, does a wonderful job in the role of Janette, capturing both the vulnerability of someone in an abusive relationship and also her growing determination to escape from Lucas’s control.

Unfortunately, while all of this is going on, you have to deal with John Ritter playing a guy whose lover actually is cheating on him.  Ritter plays Dale.  Dale wants to follow his girlfriend on the cruise for the same reason that Lucas hired Dennis to spy on Janette.  Dale suspects that he’s being cheated on.  However, the cruise is almost entirely sold out.  There’s only one ticket left but it’s to share a cabin that’s already occupied by a woman.  Since Dale is not a woman, he can’t buy the ticket.  So, of course, Dale steals a blonde wig and a suitcase full of the frumpiest dresses imaginable.  Can you guess where this is going?  Dale gets his cabin, falls in love with his cabinmate (played, in a likable performance, by Tovah Feldshuh), and spends a lot of time changing clothes in the ship’s linen closet.  Captain Stubing ends up getting a crush on the mysterious woman with the big blonde hair and the ugly dresses and yes, it’s as stupid as it sounds with a heavy dose of cringey 70s gay panic humor tossed in to boot.  It doesn’t help that John Ritter gives such a frantic performance in the role that I actually got nervous watching him.  “Calm down!” I wanted to say.

As you can guess, the tone is all over the place in this episode.  That’s to be expected when you’re telling three stories at one time but there’s such an imbalance between Jaclyn Smith acting depressed and fragile and John Ritter doing pratfalls that it ultimately takes away from both stories.  With the second episode of The Love Boat, it seems obvious that the show was still struggling to find the right balance between drama and comedy.  As well, this episode suffers because the crew isn’t given much to do.  The first episode was enjoyable because the main cast had a fun chemistry but, in this episode, everyone is a bystander except for Captain Stubing.  Unfortunately, this episode couldn’t even treat Stubing consistently as the elevator storyline requires Stubing to be significantly smarter than the Stubing who appears in the John Ritter storyline.

Would the show ever succeed in finding and striking the right balance?  We’ll see what happens next week!