Today’s music video of the day is a recent one from Kedr Livanskiy. I always assume that all of Kedr Livanskiy’s videos either deal with vampires or takes place in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. This one seems to definitely take place in a world where, much as in Argento’s Tenebrae and Rollin’s Night of the Hunted, there are now far fewer people.
Enjoy!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!
This week, Jonathan encourages everyone to violate federal law.
Episode 1.22 “An Investment In Caring”
(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 13th, 1985)
Helen Spencer (Eileen Heckart) is an annoying old busy body who lives in one of those charming city neighborhoods that are only found on shows like Highway to Heaven. Even since her husband died, she has kept herself active by working as a cleaning lady at the Halstead Corporation, which is the same company that wants to not only tear down her neighborhood but also turn the local cemetery into a condo subdivision.
Fortunately, Helen’s new boarders just happen to be Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon. Jonathan encourages Helen to rally the neighbors to take a stand against Halstead. He also encourages Paul Tarsten (Dane Clark), who was recently laid off from Halstead for being too old, to help Helen out. With Jonathan’s guidance, Helen goes through the trash at Halstead, finds some stock reports that really should have been put through a shredder, and then use that insider information to buy and sell a bunch of stock until soon, she and her friends are the majority stockholders.
“Only in America,” Ms. Zabenko (Elsa Raven) exclaims not once but five times, just in case you were wondering how heavy-handed this episode was.
Helen is able to save her neighborhood, save the cemetery where her husband is buried, and also take over the company. She also finds hints of romance with Paul, who is himself a widower. Their mission accomplished, Jonathan and Mark leave town….
…. which is good because I don’t see anyway that Paul, Helen, and Ms. Zabenko aren’t eventually going to end up in federal prison. Just about every piece of advice that Jonathan gave Helen led to her doing something illegal, from insider trading to corporate espionage to stealing from the office. Only in America, Ms. Zabenko? In America, we have laws against stock market manipulation.
This episode just irked me. Whenever people talk about Highway to Heaven being an unrealistic and cheesy show, this is the type of episode that they’re thinking of. It takes a lot to make a heartless corporation sympathetic but the overacted and rather smug neighborhood activists in this episode managed to do just that. In previous episodes, Jonathan and Mark have appealed to businessmen to get them to change their ways. In this episode, the head of Halstead isn’t given that opportunity. Instead, Jonathan — acting on authority from GOD — encourages a bunch of people with no business experience and no way of knowing any better to commit a bunch of federal crimes. Helen takes over the company but what does Helen know about running a company? When Halstead goes bankrupt, a lot of people who had nothing to do with the former CEO’s plans will end up losing their jobs. Way to go, God.
Finally, I should note that this episode begins with Helen’s former boarder telling her that he’s moving out because a voice in his head told him to move to Alaska. It’s only because he leaves that Helen has the room to rent to Jonathan and Mark. So, basically, promoting insider trading wasn’t enough for Jonathan. He also had to ruin some poor schmuck’s life by telling him to move to a state that he knows nothing about. Not since the Book of Enoch has an angel behaved so unethically.
Trust no one in Washington would seem to be the message of this 1987 thriller.
Kevin Costner plays Lt. Commander Tom Farrell, a Naval Intelligence officer who is hailed as a hero after saving a shipmate who falls overboard. In Washington, Tom is recruited by a friend from college, Scott Pritchard (Will Patton), to work for Secretary of Defense Brice (Gene Hackman). Brice doesn’t trust the head of the CIA (played by future senator, Fred Dalton Thompson) and he wants Tom to serve as his mole within the service. What Brice doesn’t know is that Tom is sleeping with Brice’s mistress, Susan Atwell (Sean Young).
Still, Brice does suspect that the woman with whom he is cheating is also cheating on him. When he confronts her about it, their argument leads to him accidentally pushing Susan over an upstairs railing. Pritchard, who is implied to be in love with Brice, takes charge of the cover-up and decides to push the story that Susan was killed by a possibly mythical Russian agent who is known only by the name “Yuri.”
Tom assists with the investigation of her death, both because he wants to know who killed Susan and also because he knows that there’s evidence in Susan’s apartment that could be manipulated to make him look guilty of the crime. For instance, Susan took a picture of Tom shortly before her death. The picture failed to develop but, through the use of what was undoubtedly cutting edge technology in 1987, Naval Intelligence is slowly unscrambling the picture. For Tom, it’s a race against time to find the actual killer before the picture develops and he’s accused of both killing Susan and being Yuri.
Everyone has an agenda in No Way Out, from the ambitious Brice to the fanatical Scott Pritchard to the head of the CIA, who wants Brice to approve funding for a costly submarine. Even the film’s nominal hero has an agenda, which has less to do with finding justice for Susan and everything to do with protecting himself and his future. In fact, as is revealed in the film’s enjoyable if slightly implausible twist ending, some people in Washington have multiple agendas. The film portrays Washington as being a place where, behind the stately facade, everyone is a liar and everyone is ultimately a pawn in someone else’s game. If you have the right connections, you can even get away with murder. Loyalty is rewarded until you’re no longer needed.
It’s an enjoyably twisty thriller, one that makes good use of the contrast between Kevin Costner’s All-American good looks and his somewhat shady screen presence. The film introduces Costner as being a character who, at first glance, seems almost too good to be true and then spend the majority of its running time suggesting that is indeed the case. Gene Hackman is well-cast as the weaselly cabinet secretary, as is Sean Young as the woman who links them all together. In the end, though, the film is stolen by Will Patton, who plays Scott Pritchard as being someone who has unknowingly given his loyalty to a man who is incapable of returning it. As played by Patton, Scott is an outsider who desperately wants to be an insider and who is willing to do just about anything to accomplish that goal. He’s a version of Iago who never turned against Othello but instead devoted all of his devious tricks to trying to cover up the murder of Desdemona.
Even with an over-the-top final twist, No Way Out holds up well as a portrait of how the lust for power both drives and corrupts our political system.
14 Days of Paranoia:
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing In The Lion’s Den, which aired on CBS in 1987. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Episode 1.1 “Pilot”
(Dir by James Burrows, originally aired on September 4th, 1987)
When she lived in New York City, Dana (Wendy Crewson) had an apartment, a boyfriend, and a job working as a producer on a very successful game show. But then she got fired and everything changed. Now, she has moved to San Antonio so she can work as the new associate producer of Lion’s Den, a PBS program featuring a lion puppet named Maynard.
The man behind the puppet is Keith (Dennis Boutsikaris), an infamously temperamental actor who, every day, announces that he’s quitting show business and storms off the set. Previously, it was up to Jerry (Jack Blessing) to coax Keith into returning to the set and shooting the show. But now that Jerry has a job with Steven Spielberg, it’s up to Dana to keep Keith happy.
Despite having hired her, Keith does not know who Dana is when she shows up on the set. He proceeds to re-interview her for the job, which means leering at her legs and trying to convince her to hug the puppet. Keith, I think, was meant to come across as being a charming rogue but, every time he talked to Dana, I had flashbacks to interviewing for jobs after college and all of the guys who stared at my chest and legs while I explained my passion for art history. Keith is a creep and the fact that he’s only nice when he’s talking through Maynard does nothing to change that.
It’s an eventful first day for Dana. One of the show’s sponsors (played by Fred Applegate) offers to allow Dana to rent his house but it soon turns out that he’s a bit of a sleaze. A neurotic writer (Brian Backer) fears that he’s going to lose his job because he wrote a script about football. (“I hate football!” Keith yells. Good luck living in Texas.) Proving the everyone had to start somewhere, Marcia Gay Harden plays the receptionist who helps Dana get out of having to talk to her ex-boyfriend. (“She’s meetin’ Willie Nelson.”) Harden plays the role with a Texas accent and, while it’s definitely exaggerated, she does a good job with it overall. (A quick check with Wikipedia revealed that, though born in California, Harden spent time in Texas when she was growing up and graduated from the University of Texas.) Eventually, Keith throws his daily tantrum and Dana has to find her own way to keep him from quitting show business.
The main problem with the pilot is that Keith is too much of a jerk. It’s hard to really care about someone who throws a tantrum every day, is abusive to his coworkers, and how uses an adorable puppet to sexually harass a woman who hasn’t even figured out where she’s going to be living in her new city. Personally, I think Dana should have quit as soon as Maynard demanded a hug.
And audiences agreed. This pilot aired once and that was it for In The Lion’s Den.
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
Today is the 124th birthday of the great Spanish surrealist filmmaker, Luis Bunuel! That means that it is now time for….
4 Shots From 4 Luis Buñuel Films
Los Olivados (1950, dir by Luis Bunuel, DP: Gabriel Figueroa)
Viridiana (1961, dir by Luis Bunuel, DP: José F. Aguayo)
The Exterminating Angel (1962, dir by Luis Buñuel, DP: Gabriel Figueroa)
Simon of the Desert (1965, dir by Luis Bunuel, DP: Gabriel Figueroa)
Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to the one and only Kyle MacLachlan!
Today’s scene that I love comes from MacLachlan’s film debut, 1984’s Dune. MacLachlan played Paul Atriedes in David Lynch’s unfairly maligned film and his otherworldly vibe made him as perfect for the role as he would later be for Agent Dale Cooper in Lynch’s Twin Peaks. As good as Timothee Chalamet was in the more recent adaptations of Frank Herbert’s novel, I still feel that MacLachlan is the superior Paul.
In this scene, Paul confronts the people who have been trying to destroy him and he proves his worth in an armed duel with Sting.
Today’s music video is this melancholy mood piece from Adi Ulmansky.
For the record, HMFMH stands for Hate Myself For Hating Myself. Hey, we’ve all been there! I was there just three weeks ago! Fortunately, this week has been a marked improvement.
Enjoy!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.
A lot of talented people came together to create this week’s episode of Monsters!
Episode 1.21 “All In A Day’s Work”
(Dir by Allen Coulter, originally aired on May 6th, 1989)
Steven Rose (James Morrison) is a graduate student whose studies of ancient magic have accidentally summoned a creature who looks exactly like him and who also follows him everywhere that he goes. Following the advice of a friend, Steven seeks help from a white witch named Fiona (Adrienne Barbeau). Fiona is willing to help but first, she needs to pick up her son, Ian (Brandon Bluhm), from school.
When she returns to her apartment building with Ian, she discovers that the doppelganger is waiting in the hallway and apparently, it wants Ian’s soul. Locking herself in her apartment with Steven and Ian, Fiona is forced to do the unthinkable. She commits a mortal sin by summoning a demon named Belphamelech (Eddie Velez). As she explains it to Steven, if she can get rid of his doppelganger than she will be forgiven for summoning a demon. And if she can’t get rid of the doppelganger, it won’t matter what happens.
There were a lot of talented people involved with this episode. Adrienne Barbeau, of course, is still well-remembered for her appearances in The Fog, Escape From New York, and Creepshow. Nearly two decades after his appearance here, James Morrison would find fame as Bill Buchanan on 24 and as the prison warden on Twin Peaks: The Return. Eddie Velez is still a regular on television. This was one of the first shows to be directed by Allen Coulter, who go on to direct some of the best episodes of The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire.
Considering all of talent both in front of and behind the camera, it’s not a surprise that this is one of the better episodes of Monsters, an atmospheric and well-acted 21 minutes that nicely mixes horror with humor. The episode works best when it contrasts Fiona’s magic powers with the normal activities of her everyday life. She can get rid of demons and yes, she can cook up a love potion or two and yes, she knows all of the things to say to control a demon. But, in the end, her main concern is making sure that her son gets to and from school without incident and that everyone has a good dinner in the evening.
Interestingly enough, the episode ends in such a way that makes it feel as if it was meant to be a pilot for a television series that would have featured Fiona dealing with the supernatural on a weekly basis. She ends the episode with both a new romance and a new assistant and it’s easy to imagine all of the future adventures that they could have all had together. If this episode was meant to serve as a pilot, it didn’t lead to a series and that’s a shame because it definitely had the potential to be a lot of fun.
2021’s Lockdown 2025 tells the story of a neighborhood on the edge.
Clarence McGee (Glenn Plummer) has a got a nice house in the suburbs. He has a nice view of the city in the distance and, even though we don’t learn much about what he does for a living, he appears to be very well off. He has a wife named Carmen (Marie-Francoise Theodore) and three children, conspiracy theorist Junior (Marcus T. Paulk), daughter Crystal Marie (Parker McKenna Posey), and youngest Evan (Cristian Fagins).
To the outsider, it might look like Clarence has the perfect life but the reality is far different. As a father, Clarence has been neglectful and, as his own wife points out, Evan is the only one of the kids with whom he seems to have a strong connection. Meanwhile, Crystal is pregnant and, while she’s told her boyfriend Marcos (Stewart Flores), neither one of them is quite sure how they’re going to tell Clarence. And what is one to make of the burly police detective (James Black) who is sitting in his car and watching Clarence’s home?
Clarence is excited because he’s convinced that he’s finally going to win the lottery and become a billionaire. However, just as the lottery numbers are about to be announced, the broadcast is interrupted by the National Alert System. “This is not a test,” a voice says, before going on to explain that the president has declared a national emergency. The country is under martial law. There will be a 24-hour curfew. No one is to leave their houses.
Suddenly, the skies are glowing and lightning bolts are streaking from the sky to the ground. Explosions are heard in the distance. The streets are full of “police soldiers” and anyone caught outside is subject to execution. When Clarence’s neighbor tries to flee his house, he is executed on the spot. Both Marcos and Junior suggest that maybe it’s all because of an online terrorist group known for being “pill-popping, weed-smoking, new age religious fanatics!” Clarence says you can’t believe anything you see on YouTube. For one thing, they let Junior on YouTube!
Meanwhile, a countdown clock appears on the television and starts to slowly tick down, from 80:00 to zero. What happens the clock hits zero? That’s what everyone is wondering.
As you can probably guess, things don’t go well for the McGees. Being stuck in the house together not only makes them paranoid but it also leads to them revealing all of their deep, dark family secrets. Soon, Clarence is loading a rifle. When the detective finally enters the house and reveals his own secret, it leads to a violent confrontation. Have you ever wondered how many people can accidentally get shot by two men firing guns at each other in a small enclosed space? This film will tell you!
The plot description probably makes all of this sound more intriguing than it is. Sadly, It’s not a very good movie, one that is marked by bad acting and bad special effects. Not even the talented Glenn Plummer can do much with his role. The initial apocalypse scenes are actually effective but soon, the Birdemic-style visuals kick in. Worst of all, the film’s ending is the type of cheat that makes you feel stupid for getting in any way invested in the story. An ending like this might have worked for a 15-minute short film but not for a film that drags on for 90 minutes.
This film was apparently produced by the Jehovah’s Witnesses and one of the final images is of a chastised, former doubter letting two Jehovah’s Witnesses into his home. (Seriously, on the rare occasion that any of them are in my neighborhood, I hide in my room and don’t make a sound.) I doubt this inspired anyone to pick up a copy of The Watch Tower.
14 Days of Paranoia:
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week’s cruise is all about simple misunderstandings that could be easily cleared up by people just not acting stupid for a few seconds. Unfortunately, that’s too much to ask.
Episode 4.4 “Target Gopher/The Major’s Wife/Strange Honeymoon/The Oilman Cometh”
(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 8th, 1980)
Lo and beware! Here comes the idiot plot!
As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, there’s nothing that bothers me more than an idiot plot. That is when a TV show — usually a sitcom — builds an entire episode out of a misunderstanding that could be easily cleared up by everyone just not being an idiot. These are the type of episodes where everyone talks over each other and runs off before they can get a full explanation of what’s happening. They are frustrating to watch.
This episode of The Love Boat has not just one idiot plot but several of them. I usually love this show but this episode made me cringe from start to finish.
Consider:
Oilman Mason Fleers (Dale Robertson) has chartered the boat for his company. He is not only giving everyone a free cruise but he hopes that he’ll be able to sign a big oil deal with Prince Hassan (Pat Harrington, Jr.), who is excited to see the ocean because “my country is covered in sand.” Mason has arranged for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (playing themselves) to provide entertainment. Even though the cheerleaders were on the ship last season, everyone acts as if this is the first time they’ve ever seen them. Doc Bricker is especially excited to see them, even though it’s debatable that a glamorous NFL cheerleader from a land-locked city would ever fall for a middle-aged guy who works on a boat for a living.
Prince Hassan boards the boat looking for a new wife. (He already has several but he specifically wants an American.) When Mason’s assistant, Ted (David Cassidy, with a rather unflattering mustache), attempts to give Prince Hassan the gift of a computerized chess game, Prince Hassan thinks that Ted is actually giving him Ted’s girlfriend, Janet (Janet Gunn). Prince Hassan thinks that Janet will be his new wife and he immediately makes plans for the marriage ceremony to take place on the boat. Ted, Captain Stubing, and Janet could clear all this up by telling Prince Hassan the truth but instead, they just try to hide Janet from him. And then Ted decides that maybe he could win Janet back from the Prince.
One word for all of this: Idiot.
Mason, for his part, falls for one of the cheerleaders (Jayne Ann Maxwell), and pressures her to spend time along with him. Jayne reacts to this by randomly declaring her love for Gopher. Gopher plays along so Mason decides to get revenge by walking up behind Gopher, surprising Gopher, and then collapsing to the deck and pretending that Gopher knocked him out. Gopher is suspended from his duties while the cruise line investigates. There were plenty of people on the deck at the time but no one steps forward to say that Mason clearly faked getting hit. Or maybe someone could point out that Mason has spent the entire cruise harassing a cheerleader who is not interested in him. But no one does. Why?
Because this is an idiot plot.
Walter Henson (Al Corley) was planning on spending his honeymoon on the cruise but then he found out his wife-to-be cheated on him. He left her at the altar. He still takes the cruise but he brings his brother, Hud (Mark Pinter), with him. When Doc, Isaac, and Gopher learn that Hud and Walter are both in the honeymoon suite, they assume that they’re a couple and, because this episode is 44 years old, start giving each other funny looks. It doesn’t occur to anyone that Walter and Hud might have the same last name because they’re related. When Hud falls for a cheerleader, he continually makes excuses to keep her from finding out that he’s traveling with his brother. Why?
IDIOT PLOT!
Major Ross Latham (Robert Culp) boards the boat with his shy and modest wife, Nara (Nobu McCarthy). Surprise! Gloria Beaumont (Jo Ann Pflug) is also on the boat. She and the major are old friends and soon, they’re spending all of their time together. Julie and Vicki assume that Gloria is trying to steal Ross away from Nara. Nara doesn’t suspect a thing.
Idiot. Plot.
Needless to say, everything work out in the end but this episode leaned way too heavily on everyone being an idiot. The Love Boat should be entertaining, not frustrating. This was one of those episodes that just left me wanting to jump overboard.
Through the Shattered Lens