Monthly Archives: October 2022

Retro Television Reviews: Invitation to Hell (dir by Wes Craven)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1984’s Invitation to Hell.  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

There’s one rule in life that should never be forgotten.

Any movie that opens with Susan Lucci casting a hex that causes a man’s head to explode is going to be worth watching.

That’s certainly the case with Invitation to Hell, a 1984 made-for-TV movie that casts Lucci as Jessica Jones, an insurance agent who lives and works in an upper class suburb in Southern California. Jessica not only sells insurance but she also runs the ultra-exclusive Steaming Springs Country Club! Anyone who is anyone in town is a member of Steaming Springs! Of course, joining Steaming Springs requires going through a strange ceremony in which you walk into a mist-filled room. Jessica says that the room is called “the Spring” and that it contains everything that someone would need to be happy. However, one need only consider that the film is called Invitation to Hell to guess that Jessica might not be completely honest.

Matt Winslow (Robert Urich) and his family have just moved into the suburbs. Matt’s an engineer whose job involves designing a state-of-the-art space suit. Matt is a little bit annoyed when Jessica starts pressuring him and his family to join the country club. He’s even more perturbed when his wife (Joanna Cassidy), upon returning from the mist-filled room, starts acting and dressing just like Jessica. Matt soon comes to suspect that something strange might be happening, especially after his own daughter attacks him! Fortunately, Matt’s spacesuit comes with a flame thrower, a laser, and a built-in computer that can determine whether or not someone is actually a human being. (Wearing the space helmet means viewing the world like you’re the Terminator.) Soon, it’s science vs. magic as Matt dons the suit and tries to rescue his family from country club living!

Invitation to Hell is totally ludicrous but also a lot of fun. Robert Urich is properly stolid as the hero while the film itself is, not surprisingly, stolen by Susan Lucci. Lucci is totally and wonderfully over-the-top as Jessica, playing the role with the same cheerfully unapologetic intensity that made her a daytime television star. This is a film that has a little bit for everyone — familiar television actors, flamethrowers, space suits, demonic possession, exploding cars, and even a little bit of social satire as the film suggests that living in the suburbs is a terror even without weird country clubs and chic spell casters.

Interestingly enough, this made-for-television film was directed by none other than Wes Craven! The same year that this film was broadcast, Craven directed a little film called A Nightmare on Elm Street. While Invitation to Hell might not be in the same league as that classic shocker, it’s still an enjoyably campy horror flick.

Horror Scenes That I Love: Bill Murray and Adam Driver Battle The Undead In The Dead Don’t Die

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

The world may be ending but Bill Murray and Adam Driver are not going to go out without a somewhat laid back fight.

From 2019’s The Dead Don’t Die:

Book Review: Runaway by R.L. Stine

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tired of being used as a test subject by a mad scientist and feeling guilty about an accident that caused the death of two of her friends, telekinetic Felicia Fletcher has run away!  After using her powers to escape from the pervy dude who gave her a ride, Felecia ends up in Shadyside.  She not only get a job as a house sitter on Fear Street but she also enrolls in high school and gets a job at the Burger Basket…

Wait, what?

Now, the whole telekinetic thing is pretty cool and I cheered a little when she caused the pervy guy’s car to crash.  I mean, if you’ve got the power to do that, why not?  But who runs away from home just so they can enroll in high school and get a job working at a fast food restaurant?  I mean, it just seems like there’s more that she could do, especially considering that she has super powers.  Along with going to school and finding a low-paying job, Felecia also develops a crush on her classmate and co-worker, Nick.  Unfortunately, Nick is dating Zan.  Zan doesn’t appreciate the new girl trying to move in on her man.  Felecia’s main concern, though, is making sure that no one discovers that she’s a runaway.  SO WHY DID YOU ENROLL IN HIGH SCHOOL AND GET A JOB UNDER YOUR REAL NAME, FELECIA!?

Seriously, Felecia might have telekinesis but she obviously has no common sense.

Soo, Felecia is getting strange letters from someone who claims to know who she is.  Someone also breaks into her house, a crime that Felecia can’t report without running the risk of being discovered.  Felecia tries to control her powers while also discovering who is stalking her.

Even by the standards of R.L. Stine, the plot is fairly incoherent but the fact that Felecia has psychic powers (and, with the exception of Nick, pretty much zero friends) adds a new wrinkle to all of the usual Stine melodrama.  Felecia has a lot to deal with, from avoiding the police to avoiding her crush’s girlfriend to avoiding the people searching for her to avoiding her Fear Street stalker.  In fact, Felecia has so much to deal with that it’s impossible not to like and root for her.  I might not have telekinesis but I could still relate to Felecia’s desire to just have one normal, relaxing day in her life.  I liked that Felecia was trying to regain control of her life and there’s a pretty cool scene where The Burger Basket basically explodes.  This was definitely one of the better Stine books that I’ve read this month.

Book Review: The Fire Game by R.L. Stine

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Jill, Andrea, Diane, Max, and Nick want get out of taking a superhard Geography test.  What can they possibly do, since apparently into not an option to study or to track down someone who has a copy of the test from last year?

If you said accidentally start a fire in the school library so that the test gets cancelled, congratulations!  You could be the star of an R.L. Stine novel!

The day after the fire, school is still a bore.  Our group of friends, who are all gymnasts for some reason, want to get out of class so that they can hang out with Gabe, the supercool new kid who has an odd fascination with burning things.  What’s the best way to get out of school?  How about blowing up the boy’s bathroom?  Not only does that cause classes to get canceled but everyone now gets to hang out on Fear Island!

R.L. Stine’s 1991 book, The Fire Game, is all about people like to set fires.  Admittedly, the book doesn’t really go into the reasons why these people are so obsessed with fire.  For the most part, it’s just something that they do because they’re not imaginative to come up with any other way to skip school.  (Has no one ever heard of faking not feeling well?  When I was in high school, all I had to do was say the word “cramps” and the gym teacher would practically escort me off campus and tell me not to come back for a week.  It’s not that difficult.)  Anyway, eventually a house burns down on Fear Street and all the members of the Fire Club are like, “Wait!  We didn’t do that!”  It looks like someone is trying to frame the arsonists!

The main problem with this book is found in the last sentence of this paragraph.  Yes, the Fire Club is, more or less, innocent of burning down that house and killing the homeless man who was living inside.  But, they’re still a group of people who DELIBERATELY SET FIRES!  It’s like, “Okay, it sucks you’re being framed for that one fire but how about all the ones you actually started?”  Not a single lesson is learned and usually, I’m in favor of that but in this case, our heroes are actually doing something that could kill someone or something.

Still, even if there’s absolutely no one to really root for in this book, it’s hard not to be a little impressed by the fact that R.L. Stine felt that gymnastics and pyromania would be a natural combination.  Though the majority of the book is Stine on autopilot, arsonist gymnasts is at least an interesting concept.  Plus, Arsonist Gymnasts sounds like it would be a great band name.

Insomnia File #58: The Haunting of Helen Walker (dir by Tom McLoughlin)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or Netflix? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you were having trouble getting to sleep last night, you could have gotten on YouTube and watched 1995’s The Haunting of Helen Walker!

What’s it about?  Read on but stop me if this sounds familiar.

In Victorian-era England, a somewhat neurotic young woman is hired to serve as the governess for two children who live in a foreboding estate. Once the governess arrives, she discovers that the children — especially little Miles — can be a handful. She also discovers that there was a governess hired before her, a governess who died under mysterious circumstances. At night, the new governess hears strange noises and soon, she becomes convinced that she’s seen the ghosts of both her predecessor and the old governess’s lover, Peter Quint. Everyone else may think that the new governess has allowed the isolation of the estate to get to her but she’s convinced that the ghosts have possessed the children! She becomes determined to save the children, even at the risk of their own lives….

If that sounds familiar, then you’ve either read Henry James’ Turn of the Screw or you’ve seen one of the several movies that were based on his novella. The Haunting of Helen Walker, which was made-for-television and initially broadcast in 1995, reimagines James’s unnamed governess as Helen Walker, an American woman played by Valerie Bertinelli. The Haunting of Helen Walker also differs from its source material in that it leaves little doubt about the fact that the ghosts are real and the children have been possessed. While the novella is deliberately unclear about whether the governess is correct or if she’s just hallucinating, The Haunting of Helen Walker has little use for such ambiguity.

Still, if you can accept the changes to the source material, The Haunting of Helen Walker is an entertaining and atmospheric ghost story. Director Tom McLoughlin doesn’t waste any time getting to the action and Christopher Guard makes for an appropriately brooding and dangerous Peter Quint. At first, it’s a bit jarring to hear Valerie Bertenelli’s American accent in what is essentially the epitome of a British ghost story but she gets better as the film progresses and she does an especially good job during the film’s dramatic climax. Finally, Diana Rigg does a great job playing the estate’s intimidating housekeeper, Mrs. Grose. She’s skeptical of Helen from the minute she arrives and the fact that Helen says she can see ghosts doesn’t do much to improve Mrs. Grose’s opinion.

In the end, this is an entertaining, if hardly definitive, take on Henry James’s novella. Having been made for 90s television, it actually has to be rather restrained in its shocks but that actually works to the film’s advantage, forcing the movie to rely on atmosphere over jump scares. The Haunting of Helen Walker is currently on YouTube and it’s fine viewing for a rainy night.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster

4 Shots From 4 Horror Films: 2019

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

This October, I’m going to be doing something a little bit different with my contribution to 4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films.  I’m going to be taking a little chronological tour of the history of horror cinema, moving from decade to decade.

Today, we take a look at 2019!

4 Shots From 4 Horror Films: 2019

Doctor Sleep (2019, dir by Mike Flanagan, DP: Michael Fimognari)

The Dead Don’t Die (2019, dir by Jim Jarmusch, DP: Frederick Elmes)

Us (2019, dir by Jordan Peele, DP: Mike Gioulakis)

Midsommar (2019, dir by Ari Aster, DP: Pawel Pogorzelski)

6 Horrific Trailers For October 30th, 2022

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s the day before Halloween.

Are you still struggling to get into the mood?

Well, have no fear!  The latest edition is Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse Trailers is here to help you out!

Presented without comment, here are 6 classic trailers for the day before Halloween….

  1. Carnival of Souls (1962)

2. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

4. Halloween (1978)

5. Dawn of the Dead (1978)

6. Zombie (1979) (a.k.a. Zombi 2)

Horror Film Review: Planet Dune (dir by Glenn Campbell and Tammy Klein)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Planet Dune!

Now, don’t let the name of this 2021 film from the Asylum fool you.  Yes, the planet may be a desert.  And yes, there may be sandworms that burrow under the sand and which attack anyone foolish enough to be caught outside.  And yes, the planet is specifically referred to as being “Dune.”  Well, actually, it’s called Planet Dune but still….

That said, Planet Dune should not be mistaken for any film based on the novels of Frank Herbert.  There’s no spice.  There’s no Fremen.  There’s not intergalactic intrigue or environmental subtext.  There’s none of that nonsense with the Bene Geserits or whatever it is they were called.  There’s no Maud’Dib.  There’s no promised one.  Instead, there’s just a bunch of killer worms.  And really, that’s not so bad.  I mean, the worms are the main reason why people watch Dune, in the first place.  Planet Dune simply removed all of the extra stuff and concentrated on the worms.  Good for the Asylum!  Give the people what they want!

Planet Dune takes place in the far future.  America and Russia are rivals when it comes to conquering space.  After American Lt. Astrid (Emily Killian) defies orders and saves the life of a stranded cosmonaut, she’s put on probation and forced to command a “tug” ship.  She and her new crew are sent to Planet  Dune to rescue a previous expedition to the planet.  At first, Astrid doesn’t get along with her new crew.  They’re especially not happy when Astrid accidentally flies the tug straight into an asteroid field.  Things don’t get any better when, upon arriving on the planet, the crew is promptly attacked by the worms.  Can everyone make it back to the Tug and fly off to safety?  Will Astrid be able to resist her own addiction to — I’m not making this up — her family’s specially-brewed moonshine?  Who will make it back to the ship and what will be left of them?  It would help, of course, if Astrid could get some help but, when she requests backup, she is informed that people on probation are not sent any help, regardless of how bad the situation is.  In the future, the punishment for saving a man’s life is to be sent to a planet inhabited by killer worms.  That’s harsh!

As far as Asylum mockbusters are concerned, Planet Dune isn’t bad.  It’s actually about a hundred times better than anyone would have any reason to expect.  The film makes good use of its low-budget and the special effects are actually a bit charming in their cheapness.  It’s a bit like a live-action comic book and it’s a good deal less portentous than the official Dune movies.  It’s a fun, fast-paced movie about killer sandworms.  Really, what more could you want from a visit to Planet Dune? 

Well, how about a cameo appearance from Sean Young?  Young, of course, appeared in David Lynch’s adaptation of Dune.  In Planet Dune, she plays Astrid’s boss and gets to yell at her for defying the rules.  It’s a nice little inside joke.

The Three Weird Covers Of True Weird

Posted on by Dazzling Erin

True Weird was a pulp magazine that promised stories that were, “Strange.  Fantastic.  True.”  Unfortunately, it only had a press run of three issues.  The first issue was published in 1955.  The third and last issue came out in 1956.  The public could only handle so much truth.

But the fantastically weird covers of True Weird live on!  All three of these covers were done by Clarence Doore.