Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.13 “Glim-Glim”

Posted on December 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.

This week, humanity screws everything up.

Episode 1.13 “Glim-Glim”

(Dir by Peter Stein, originally aired on February 4th, 1989)

This is Glim-Glim.

Glim-Glim was flying his spaceship over Earth when he lost control and crash-landed in a small town in the Midwest. Within a week of Glim-Glim’s arrival, almost everyone in the town was dead as the result of a terrible virus, a disease to which Glim-Glim had immunity but most humans did not. Glim-Glim set up a force field around the town in order to keep the virus from escaping and killing any more humans. Unfortunately, the force field can only stay powered for so long. Setting himself up in the local library, Glim-Glim is doing research and looking for a cure.

The cure might be found in the blood of the only three townspeople who haven’t died, Carl (Brian Fitzpatrick), Carl’s unnamed friend (Mark Hofmaier), and the friend’s daughter, Amy (Jenna Van Oy). The survivors have also set themselves up in the library. Unfortunately, only Amy understands that Glim-Glim has come in peace and wants to save humanity. Her father and Carl, on the other hand, are determined to track down Glim-Glim and destroy him.

Oh, humanity! We really are our own worst enemy, aren’t we? At least, that’s the theme of this week’s episode of Monsters, in which Carl and his friend are so determined to kill the invader that they don’t realize that they are risking the future of the entire human race. While the rest of the world celebrates Christmas and has no idea that extinction is looming, Carl and Amy’s Dad stalk the one creature who can save the world. Glim-Glim sadly writes in his journal that he won’t be able to live with himself if he’s responsible for wiping out the world’s population. Only Amy understands that Glim-Glim is good but no one will listen to her because she’s young.

This episode had a definite Twilight Zone feel, with its message that the greatest threat to humanity comes not from outer space but instead from humanity itself. That said, I can kind of understand why Carl and his friend are so quick to assume the worst about Glim-Glim. They’ve just watched everyone they know die a horrible death and all they know is that it happened as the result of an alien visitor. Because there’s a language barrier, there’s no way for Glim-Glim to explain himself and Carl assumes the worst because he’s just been through an extremely traumatic experience. The episode ends on a dark note, one that practically begs for Rod Serling to pop up and remind us that a lesson learned too late is not much help.

Despite the fact that Glim-Glim looked kind of silly, this was an effective and atmospheric episode. It was a bit heavy-handed but, with barely 22 minutes available to tell a story about an alien invasion and the possible destruction of the human race, that’s to be expected. All extraterrestrials should be as kind-hearted as Glim-Glim.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.23 “Another Time, Another Place/Doctor Who/Gopher’s Engagement”

Posted on December 27, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Maureen McCormick returns to The Love Boat!

Episode 3.23 “Another Time, Another Place/Doctor Who/Gopher’s Engagement”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on March 1st, 1980)

Mrs. Elliott (Audrey Meadows) boards this week’s cruise with a very specific mission in mind. She wants to find a husband for her daughter, Celia (Maureen McCormick). Mrs. Elliott, whose husband owns a good deal of stock in the cruise line, at first eyes Doctor Bricker as a possible suitor for her daughter, despite the fact that the doctor is considerably older than Celia and has been divorced multiple times. However, Celia is far more charmed by Gopher, who asks Celia to dance when Julie points out how miserable Celia looks at the ship’s Charleston night.

Celia is charmed by Gopher and, when he accidentally gives her a ring that he’s been carrying around in his pocket, she assumes that he’s asking her to marry him. (The ring was actually lost by another passenger and Gopher was just carrying it around until he could put it in the lost-and-found.) Celia says yes and suddenly, Gopher is engaged! Mrs. Elliott is not happy about this, as Gopher is only an assistant purser. As for Gopher, he tries to get out of the engagement by having Isaac tell Celia that Gopher’s a drunk. This only makes Celia even more determined to marry Gopher (so she can “save” him) and this also gets Gopher in trouble with the Captain who, as the show sometimes remembers, is a recovering alcoholic.

Fortunately, Isaac eventually tells Celia the truth about what’s going on. Celia is surprisingly forgiving, returning the ring and announcing that she and Gopher will always be good friends. Celia also finds the strength to tell her mother to let her live her own life. Mrs. Elliott is okay with this, because she has another daughter who needs a husband and Doc is still single.

This was a storyline that depended too much on everyone involved acting like an idiot. Those are my least favorite stories. But, just as with last week, Fred Grandy got to show off his tragic clown qualities and Maureen McCormick was so convincing in her role that it was hard not to suspect that perhaps she related to a character who was tired to everyone assuming that they knew what was best for her and her life.

Speaking of storylines that required everyone to act like an idiot, this episode also featured Bert Parks as Dr. Michael Mervey, a noted sex therapist. Dr. Mervey boards the ship under an assumed named and tells the Captain that he just wants to relax and not have anyone asking him for any help with their problems or asking him to autograph his book. However, Evelyn Miller (Phyllis Davis) has heard a rumor that Dr. Mervey is on the boat so she boards with the intention of tracking him down and seducing him.

The only problem is that Evelyn doesn’t know what Dr. Mervey looks like. (I find that hard to believe, considering how famous Dr. Mervey is supposed to be.) When she hears Isaac refer to another passenger (Arte Johnson) as being a “doctor,” Evelyn assumes the passenger must be Dr. Mervey. But instead, he’s just Wilfred Johnson (Arte Johnson), a nerdy nuclear physicist. At first, Dr. Johnson pretends to be Dr. Mervey but when the real Dr. Mervey inevitably spots Evelyn and starts to hit on her, the truth comes out. Evelyn dumps Wilfred. Feeling guilty, Dr. Mervey tries to give them a therapy session. Neither wants to listen to Dr. Mervey but they do still realize that they actually love each other. Wilfred and Evelyn leave the cruise arm-in-arm and Mervey pats himself on the back for a job well-done.

Again, this plot was way too dependent on everyone acting like an idiot. That said, Bert Parks made me laugh as the self-important Dr. Mervey.

Finally, Jane Wyman stars as Sister Patricia, a nun who is heading to Acapulco to be a teacher. When she discovers that her ex-boyfriend, Steve Brian (Dennis Morgan), is on the cruise, she is forced to reconsider her decision. In the end, she decides to follow her calling but she tells Steve that they’ll be reunited in another time and another place. When Stubing comforts Steve, Steve replies that, “if” there’s a Heaven, they’ll be reunited.

Uhmm…. Steve, if there is a Heaven, it’s probably not full of agnostics. Just saying.

Anyway, this was a simple story and I could tell where it was going to go from the first minute the Steve greeted Patricia on the boat but it worked because of the old school charm of Dennis Morgan and Jane Wyman. These two Hollywood veterans knew just how to best embrace the melodrama.

Thanks to Wyman and Morgan, this was a pleasant cruise. Hopefully, next week will be just as pleasant.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.7 “Pressure Cooker”

Posted on December 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, Mitch, Ryan, and Lou are held hostage!

Episode 1.7 “Pressure Cooker”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on November 11, 1995)

Episode seven of Baywatch Nights opens with Mitch and Garner, once again, whining about their job. They have been hired to work undercover in a fried chicken restaurant that has been robbed five times. Garner wears a chicken costume and greets the customers. Mitch works in the kitchen. This is not the type of work that Mitch and Garner had in mind when they decided to become part-time private investigators.

In his opening voice over, Mitch says that sometimes, you have to do what you have to do to pay your bills. Here’s the thing, though. Mitch is a lifeguard. He’s not just a lifeguard but he’s one of the top lifeguards in California. So, no, he doesn’t need to work as a private eye to pay his bills. I don’t care how much Mitch complains about the job. I think he just secretly enjoys working as a cook in a fast food restaurant. And good for him, if that’s the case! Myself, I like fried chicken and I respect anyone who cooks it for a living.

Eventually, the scummy Sosa brothers show up at the restaurant and try to rob the place. Garner and Mitch are able to stop the robbery but they only manage to capture one brother, Manny Sosa (Cliff Dorfman). Duke (Joseph Spencer) and Nick Sosa (Rich Werner) escape.

Later, Duke and Nick show up at Nights, which is the nightclub that doubles as the office of the detective agency. Because it’s the afternoon, Nights is not open to general public but that doesn’t stop Duke and Nick from taking Mitch, Ryan, and Lou Raymond (Lou Rawls) hostage. (Lou is the owner of Nights. Despite the fact that Lou Rawls was prominently featured in the opening credits of each episode, this is only his second appearance on the show.) Duke demands that Manny be released from prison or he’s going to start shooting hostages!

While they wait out the situation, Lou plays the piano and sings a song while Duke dances with Ryan. Meanwhile, Garner waits outside the club with the police and the press. Eventually, reporter Stormy Walters (Sandra Dee Robinson) is invited to enter the club with her crew so that she can interview Duke and get some footage of him dancing with Ryan. Garner puts on a fake beard and pretends to be Stormy’s sound guy.

As soon as Mitch sees Garner, he nudges Ryan and says, “It’s Garner!” Even though Mitch whispers, it still seems like a reckless thing to point out when there’s two gun-toting maniacs in the club. Fortunately, the Sosa brothers are pretty stupid so Mitch, Garner, and Ryan are able to give them a beat down. Unfortunately, before the situation is resolved, both Lou and Garner are shot but, apparently, not seriously.

This episode …. eh. As I’ve said elsewhere on this site, I am just not a fan of shows about hostage situations. As soon as the Sosa brothers show up at the club, the narrative momentum comes to a grinding halt and all that’s left is 30 minutes of sweaty losers pointing guns at people and shouting. It gets a little boring. As well, the Sosas were so stupid that, even when they were shooting people, it was difficult to take them seriously as dangerous criminals. They were just idiots.

Next week, we get the origin story as we learn how Mitch and Garner came to work with Ryan in the first place!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.6 “With Affection, Jack the Ripper/Gigolo”

Posted on December 26, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, Fantasy Island is full of gigolos and harlots!

Episode 4.6 “With Affection, Jack The Ripper/Gigolo”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on November 29th, 1980)

“Here comes a real wimp!” Tattoo declares as Stanley Hocker (Ken Berry) stumbles off of the airplane.

Roarke rolls his eyes at Tattoo’s rudeness but then goes on to admit that most people would consider Stanley to be a bit of a wimp. Stanley is shy and awkward and he wears dorky clothes and he’s never had much success with romance. Stanley’s fantasy is to become a gigolo.

“Good luck!” Tattoo says.

Roarke doesn’t need luck when he can get just give Stanley a magical bracelet that once belonged to Don Juan. As soon as the bracelet appears on Stanley’s wrist, Stanley is suddenly confident, cool, and much better dressed.

“I’m not a turkey anymore!” Stanley declares, “I’m a hunk!”

Soon, every woman on the Island is attracted to Stanley. However, a trip to the Fantasy Island singles bar, leaves Stanley with a large bar tab. It turns out that Roarke may have given Stanley the bracelet but he didn’t give him any extra money. The bill is paid by another gigolo, Monty (Lyle Waggoner). In return for his help, Monty requests that Stanley seduce the wealthy Jessie De Winter (Carolyn Jones) so that Monty can make a move on Jessie’s niece, Dina (Meredith McRae).

Of course, Stanley falls in love with Dina but she’s the only woman on the Island who is not impressed with his gigolo style. Stanley finally agrees to remove the bracelet and sacrifice his fantasy so that he can approach Dina as his true self.

While this is going on, Jack the Ripper is stalking Fantasy Island! Yikes!

It’s all the fault of Lorraine Peters (Lynda Day George). Lorraine has developed a theory that Jack the Ripper was actually a surgeon named Dr. Albert Z. Fell (Victor Buono, rarely speaking but often dramatically rolling his eyes). Lorraine’s fantasy is to go back to 1880s London to find proof of her theory. Despite some reservations, Roarke gives Lorraine her fantasy. Lorraine steps through a time door and finds herself in London. She manages to find Dr. Fell’s office and a diary in which Fell has written about his hatred of “harlots.” However, Dr. Fell also finds the time door, steps through it, and is soon on Fantasy Island!

Upon discovering that history’s most infamous murderer is now stalking the Island, Roarke sends Tattoo out to let everyone know that they need to stay inside. Of all the people that Roarke could send, it’s interesting that Roarke selected the person least likely to survive if he was caught by Jack the Ripper. Seriously, there are a lot of athletic guys on Fantasy Island and any one of them could have beaten up the rather portly and middle-aged Jack the Ripper. Instead of asking one of them to look for the killer, Roarke sends Tattoo. Even in a moment of crisis, Roarke is always looking for a way to get rid of his assitant.

Fortunately, Dr. Fell is too busy trying to kill Lorraine and her boyfriend, Robert (Alex Cord), to waste any time on Tattoo. Dr. Fell chases Lorraine all across the island. Lorraine leads Fell back through the time door and Fell is promptly run over by a carriage in London. Lorraine returns to the present and tells Mr. Roarke that she’s decided not to reveal the truth about Dr. Fell because …. well, I don’t know why.

Despite some lapses in logic, the Jack the Ripper story was actually really entertaining. There was nothing subtle about Victor Buono’s performance but it was still exactly what the story needed. Lynda Day George was appearing in films like Pieces and Mortuary when she appeared in this episode and she puts that horror experience to good use. The scenes in London were atmospheric and the idea of Jack the Ripper on Fantasy Island was intriguing, even if the episode didn’t do as much with the idea as it could have. The superior Jack the Ripper fantasy and the silly but inoffensive gigolo fantasy combined to make this an enjoyable trip to Fantasy Island.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.7 “Taking Its Toll”

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Jon Baker gives up a dream.

Episode 1.7 “Taking Its Toll”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on November 3rd, 1977)

Inspired by his hero Joseph Wambaugh, Jon Baker is writing a book. It’s a novel all about the crazy things that he has seen as a member of the California Highway Patrol. Ponch is one of the main characters. Of course, Baker is mostly focusing on all of the times that Ponch has screwed up. On his writer’s board, Baker has cards that read, “Ponch Falls In Glue,” “Ponch Loses His Bike,” and “Ponch Rips His Pants.” Ponch, when he discovers what Jon is doing, isn’t necessarily happy about being held up to ridicule but then Baker promises to portray Ponch as a hero, a modern-day Roman centurion who rides his bike like a horse into battle.

This episode provides Baker with plenty of material. Two blonde surfer dudes are robbing people who are stopped at toll booths and then making their escape in stolen sports cars. As well, a man crashes his car and, when the highway patrol investigates, they discover a bomb in the back seat! The bomb squad is called but what about the innocent motorcyclist who is trapped underneath the car? If the bomb blows up, not only will the motorcyclist be killed but so will Ponch, the officer who is trying to keep him calm. (Don’t worry, the bomb doesn’t blow up.) As well, when a truck carrying a bunch of onions has an accident, it leads to onions all over the road! Ponch, Baker, Bear, and even Gatraer end up shedding some tears while directing traffic.

It sounds like it will make a great book but, unfortunately, Baker discovers that, as a cop, he’s not really allowed to freely write a book about his experiences. Instead, he has to clear everything with the legal department and then ask permission before even trying to get the book published. (As Gatraer explains it, the California Highway Patrol has to protect its image.) To Ponch’s disappointment, Baker abandons the book and throws away his plot cards. Fear not, though! Ponch says he’s going to write his own book and even commandeers Baker’s typewriter to do so.

(Yes, a typewriter. Seriously, I can’t imagine writing anything without having the ability to just highlight a paragraph and delete the entire thing without the click of a button.)

This was one of those day-in-the-life episodes that didn’t really add up to much. Interestingly enough, the emphasis was often less on Baker and Ponch and more on the idea of the entire California police force — from the Highway Patrol to the Sheriff’s Department to the Bomb Squad — all working together to keep people safe. The best part of the episode came early on with an exciting chase between Baker and the toll thieves. For the most part, though, this episode just left me thinking about how an episode that featured Baker writing a book somehow still managed to largely focus on Ponch. Watching this episode, I could understand why Larry Wilcox was reportedly not always happy with the direction of the show. Even when its about Baker, CHiPs is still largely the Ponch Show.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.16 “Smuggler’s Blues”

Posted on December 25, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs head down to Colombia and learn about the smuggler’s blues!

Episode 1.16 “Smuggler’s Blues”

(Dir by Paul Michael Glaser, originally aired on Feb. 1st, 1985)

Someone is blowing up drug dealers and their families in Miami. Homicide Detective Jones (Ron Vawter) doesn’t know why anyone cares about a bunch of smugglers being killed but DEA Agent Ed Waters (a youngish Richard Jenkins) is concerned that a vigilante is on the loose.

If there is a vigilante on the loose, who could it be? Well, we know that it’s not going to be any of our regular cast members, even if Castillo does seem to be kind of tightly wound. So, that really leaves Jones and Waters as our only two suspects. Looking over the notes that I trotted down for this episode, I see that I immediately said that Waters had to be the killer because, when the killer anonymously called the Department towards the end of the episode, I instantly recognized Richard Jenkins’s voice. Of course, it turned out I was totally wrong. Detective Jones turned out to be the killer and apparently, I have no idea what Richard Jenkins actually sounds like.

Anyway, before Detective Jones can be revealed as the murder, Crockett and Tubbs have to go to Colombia so that they can go undercover as dealers and purchase a large amount of cocaine. The idea is that the vigilante will target either Crockett and Tubbs or they’ll go after Trudy, who is undercover as Tubbs’s wife. Working on their own, Crockett and Tubbs recruit a pilot named Jimmy Cole (Glenn Frey) to fly them to Colombia.

Former Eagle Glenn Frey was specifically cast in this episode because the plot was largely based on a song that he had written, Smuggler’s Blues. (The episode’s script was written by Miguel Pinero, who played Calderone earlier in the season.) The song is played throughout the episode, the lyrics hammering home one of Miami Vice‘s key themes. The war on drugs can never be won because there’s way too much money to be made in smuggling and selling.

It’s a good episode, one that features a likable guest turn from Glenn Frey and plenty of action. When Crockett and Tubbs land in Colombia, they find themselves having to fight off both enforcers and cops. Their only ally is Cole, a man who they would normally be expected to arrest, (In a nicely acted scene, Tubbs and Cole bond over the fact that they both served in Vietnam.) Back in the United States, Crockett, Tubbs, and Cole have to fight off a thief, played by Richard Edson. And after all that, it’s still up to Tubbs and Crockett to save Trudy from being blown up in a trailer and this leads to wonderfully tense bomb disarming scene. In the end, Crockett and Tubbs score a victory but we are left with little doubt that it will only be a temporary one. That’s the politics of contraband, to quote both the song and the show.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 2.2 “A Helping Hand”

Posted on December 24, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989! The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Degrassi goes there!

Episode 2.2 “A Helping Hand”

(Dir by Kit Hood, originally aired on January 14th, 1988)

There’s a lot of drama to be found in this week’s episode of Degrassi Junior High. In fact, this is actually the first episode that I’ve seen that juggled three on-going B-plots along with the A-plot. Watching this episode felt very much like being dropped into a real middle school where everyone has some sort of drama playing out in their lives.

For instance, Shane tells Spike that he told his parents about Spike being pregnant. For a moment, Spike is proud of Shane for finally doing the right thing. Then, she finds out that Shane’s parents want to meet with Spike and her mother, which is something that neither Spike nor Shane are looking forward to dealing with. Shane also mentions that his father is a preacher. Even though the meeting doesn’t actually happen during this episode, I can already guess what’s probably going to happen when it does. It’s never a good sign when someone on Degrassi is a preacher’s kid.

Meanwhile, Stephanie is upset that Alexis is still wearing Stephanie’s old clothes and that she’s still dating Simon as result. At first, Alexis refuses to return Stephanie’s clothes but, after Alexis’s mom comes across them, Alexis is ordered to return them. An excited Stephanie changes back into her trampy clothes and smiles at Simon in the hallway and Simon totally ignores her. Ouch!

As for Stephanie’s former crush, Wheels is struggling in school and running the risk of being held back a grade. His parents have even declared that Wheels can no longer be the Zit Remedy’s bass player until his “marks” improve. With the support of Ms. Avery, Wheels gets his eyes checked and he gets a pair of glasses! (Those of you who know your Degrassi history know what an important moment this is. Those glasses — and eventually a mullet — would become Wheels’s trademark.) Wheels can now see but Joey and Snake aren’t sure if there’s ever been a rock star with glasses.

“What about John Lennon?” Wheels asks.

“Who?” Joey replies.

“Some 60s guy,” Snake explains.

(Did Canada ban the Beatles?)

With Wheels temporarily sidelined by his bad grades, Joey and Snake look for a substitute bassist and just happen to hear Simon playing a bass guitar. Simon may not have Wheels’s tragic past (and future) but he does have perfect eyesight.

Finally, in this episode’s main plot, Mr. Raditch is in the hospital so his homeroom gets a substitute teacher. Mr. Colby (Marcus Bruce) is dorky but likable, a youngish teacher who wears goofy sweaters and who encourages his students to think for themselves and who is extremely touchy-feely when it comes to Lucy. Lucy, who is still on probation for shop lifting and who is lonely since her best friend Voula moved away, at first appreciates Mr. Colby’s attention. She gets upset when L.D. (Amanda Cook) says that Mr. Colby is creepy.

“You’re just jealous!” Lucy snaps, despite the fact that L.D. is her new clothes-borrowing best friend.

“At least I’m not a shoplifter!” L.D. yells back.

(Ouch! Then again, maybe if L.D. was a shoplifter, she’d actually have some decent clothes of her own to wear.)

Eventually, Mr. Colby asks Lucy to stay after class. When he puts his hand on her back and whispers that she’s a very special student, Lucy realizes that L.D. was right! Fortunately, Wheels is standing on the other side of the door and, with his new super-vision, he sees what Mr. Colby is up to. Wheels steps into the classroom and says that he needs to get a book. Lucy takes advantage of the distraction to make her escape.

The next day, Mr. Colby passes Lucy in the hallway and tells her not to say anything about what happened before adding that, of course, nothing did happen. Lucy just misinterpreted his attempts to be friendly. What a creep! Wheels approaches Lucy and offers to testify on her behalf. Lucy smiles as the jarringly cheerful theme music starts up and the end credits roll.

That’s a nice ending for a well-done episode but again, it’s hard not to think about what’s going to happen in the future with all of these characters. Lucy and Wheels may be smiling now but, if you know the history of this show, you also know what’s going to happen after they graduate high school. Wheels is going drive drunk and, with Lucy in the car with him, end up crashing his car, killing a kid, and temporarily blinding and crippling Lucy. The future for Wheels is jail and the future for Lucy is years of painful physical rehab. Seriously, Degrassi Junior High is one dark show!

As for this episode, every woman has had to deal with a Mr. Colby at some point in their lives and I will admit to cringing whenever he placed his hands on Lucy’s shoulders while talking to her. I could relate to what Lucy was feeling all too well. Mr. Colby’s final declaration that he didn’t do anything wrong and that it was Lucy’s fault for misunderstanding him sounded all too familiar. Fortunately, Lucy had people in her life who were looking out for her and who had her back, like L.D. and Wheels. (As usual, Lucy’s parents were present only as voices on an answering machine.) Both Wheels and Mr. Colby said they wanted to help Lucy but Wheels was the only one who meant it.

Next week, Joey gets a new girlfriend and Arthur calls a sex therapist. That’s right …. it’s time for Dr. Sally!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out! 1.12 “Skip to the Loo”

Posted on December 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

We’ve got a weird one tonight!

Episode 1.12 “Skip to the Loo”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on December 18th, 1985)

This episode opens with Howard feeling a bit concerned. As he explains to Edna, an old army buddy visited him the previous night. Mad Mike Mulroney climbed through Howard’s window with three dead Dobermans around his neck. Having just escaped from prison, Mad Mike asked Howard to do him a favor and give his son, Brandon, a job. Howard felt that he had to agree because Mad Mike saved Howard’s life while they were serving in Korea. Why, Howard cries, why did I let him do that!?

Brandon (Jeremy Ratchford) shows up and turns out to be as fearsome as his father. Howard suggests that Brandon fill in for bagboy Murray, who is on vacation. Brandon replies that he was hoping he could be a bouncer. Brandon then proceeds to literally toss a lot of people out of the store. Realizing that Brandon should not be on the sales floor, Howard suggests that Brandon spend the day in the meat locker where he can beat up the meat, Rocky Balboa-style.

Meanwhile, nerdy Herman Fastback (Howard Busgang) is trying to set the world record for skipping rope in the store. Unfortunately, the world record is 12 hours and Herman keeps getting distracted and having to start over. As well, Brandon keeps coming out the meat locker and taunting him.

When it’s time for the store to close, Christian agrees to spend the night in the store so that Herman can continue to set his record. The next morning, Christian wakes up in a shopping cart and discovers that all of the cash registers have been emptied and the employee locker room has been ransacked. Herman has disappeared and Brandon is dead in the meat locker! When Howard and Alf come to work, they surmise that Herman robbed the store and then killed Brandon.

No one is that upset about Brandon being dead. In fact, Howard doesn’t call the police and just leaves the body in the meat locker. But then Mad Dog (George Buza) shows up in full military gear and announces that he is just a few hours from heading to South America, where he plans to overthrow another country’s government. He tells Howard that he’s a mercenary and “I kill people for a living.” Mad Dog asks how Brandon is doing. It takes a while but eventually, Howard admits that Brandon is dead.

Mad Dog is not extremely upset about his son dying but he does request that Howard give him a funeral in the store. Realizing that Mad Dog will probably kill him otherwise, Howard agrees. He closes down the store and then Brandon’s frozen body is wheeled into the break room. Howard conducts a respectful funeral. Mad Dog is touched.

This episode was so strange that it was only during the end credits that I realized that Herman apparently got away with not only robbing the place but also killing Brandon. In fact, I don’t think Howard or anyone else at the store bothered to call the police about any of this. Instead, they just left Brandon in the meat locker. I’ve never worked in a grocery store so I have to admit that I’m not the expert on these things but I think leaving a corpse inside a storage area would have to be a health code violation of some sort.

It’s difficult to dislike anything that’s this cheerfully weird. This episode full embraced its own absurdity and, for that reason, it worked quite well. We’re about halfway through the first season of Check It Out! and the best episodes are definitely the weird ones.

Next week …. well, I don’t know what’s happening next week. Hopefully, they will have gotten Brandon’s body out of the store.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 12/17/23 — 12/23/23

Posted on December 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s been a busy week. I haven’t even had a chance to watch the finale of Survivor yet! But that’s okay. My mind is on the holidays right now.

Here’s some thoughts on what I watched this week:

Baywatch Nights (YouTube)

I wrote about Baywatch Nights here! I’m really enjoying this extremely silly show.

The Bear Who Slept Through Christmas (YouTube)

This cute animated Christmas special from 1973 followed the adventures of a bear who decided not to hibernate for the winter because he wanted to experience Christmas firsthand. All of the other bears thought he was crazy. I was proud of him for following his dreams.

A Charlie Brown Christmas (Apple TV+)

I watched this on Friday evening. It’s one of my favorite Christmas traditions, from poor Charlie Brown’s attempts to direct the play to Snoopy’s impersonations. A few years ago, my sister wrote about this special.

Check It Out! (Tubi)

This week’s episode was a strange one. My review will drop in another 30 minutes or so.

CHiPs (Freevee)

I wrote about CHiPs here! Wow, Ponch really is a terrible cop, isn’t he?

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I wrote about Degrassi Junior High and the start of season 2 here.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I’m happy to say that Fantasy Island has been re-uploaded to YouTube so now I basically have to binge as many episodes as possible before they get yanked down again. Otherwise, I’ll have to use that terrible Daily Motion site to watch the show. Anyway, I wrote about this week’s episode here.

Friday the 13th: The Series (YouTube)

I wrote about this week’s David Cronenberg-directed episode here!

Frosty The Snowman (DVR)

I recorded this classic Christmas special when CBS aired it on Saturday and then I watched it on Sunday. It always upsets me when Frosty melts. I think that’s because I live in Texas, where it hardly ever snows. So, when a snowman melts down here, it’s totally possible that he will never be able to return.

Frosty Returns (DVR)

Frosty’s back and he sounds a lot like John Goodman! I recorded this the same night that I recorded Frosty the Snowman. Frosty Returns is not quite as charming as the first special, as the environmental message is so heavy-handed that it almost feels like a parody. Still, I like snow and I like snowmen. Come back, Frosty!

Highway to Heaven (Tubi)

By wonderful coincidence, this week’s episode of Highway to Heaven was a Christmas episode! I reviewed it here.

Jennifer Slept Here (YouTube)

My review can be found here!

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

This week’s episode was really good. I wrote about it here!

Monsters (Tubi)

I reviewed Monsters here!

The Murder of Jill Dando (Netflix)

This three-part true crime series took a look at the still unsolved murder of a famous and influential British journalist and television host. It was an intriguing series, full of twists and turns and questions to which we may never get an answer.

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (DVR)

This special is undoubtedly a classic but it always bothers me to see what a jerk Santa is.

Seinfeld (Netflix)

Earlier today, I watched the Festivus episode and the episode where Kramer becomes a department store Santa Claus and is accused of being a communist. “Hey, this guy’s a commie! He’s spreading propaganda!”

T and T (Tubi)

I wrote about T and T here!

Welcome Back, Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back, Kotter here!

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 3.3 “And Baby Makes Four, Part Two”

Posted on December 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Julie gives birth and Woodman shares a story from his past!

Episode 3.3 “And Baby Makes Four, Part Two”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on September 15th, 1977)

After a recap of what happened in the previous episode (i.e., Julie went into labor and Barbarino was held back a grade), this episode picks up with the story already in progress. In other words, we don’t begin with any stories and jokes about Gabe’s family. Instead, we open with Barbarino checking Julie into the hospital.

While Julie is taken to the labor room, the admitting nurse asks Barbarino for some information.

“Name?” the nurse asks.

“Vinnie Barbarino,” Vinnie replies.

No, Vinnie! She wants Julie’s name and it turns out that Barbarino’s not sure. The nurse then asks, “What month?” When Barbarino struggles to remember the current date, the nurse clarifies, “How long has the mother been pregnant?”

“Who said my mother’s pregnant!?” Barbarino snaps, “I’ll break his face!”

This entire exchange reminds us of why Barbarino was left back. That said, John Travolta’s earnest delivery and vulnerable eyes makes it impossible not to feel at least a little love for Vinnie Barbarino.

Gabe shows up at the hospital, accompanied by the other Sweathogs. The rest of the episode is pretty much a collection of scenes of Gabe, the Sweathogs, and eventually Mr. Woodman saying and doing strange things while waiting for news about Julie. Yes, Mr. Woodman does show up. As he explains it, “I like to be around when a new delinquent is brought into the world.”

Seeing that Gabe is nervous, Woodman tells him a story about a time that Woodman “got a girl in trouble.” Woodman explains that he was dating a girl who was obsessed with feet so they naturally spent all of their time shopping for shoes. One night, while out on a date, they stopped by a shoe store and Woodman’s girlfriend fell for a shoe salesman who appreciated feet just as much as she did. They ran off together and one thing led to another.

Gabe points out that Woodman wasn’t the one who got the girl in trouble.

“I’m the one who took her to the shoe store,” Woodman explain.

Gabe considers Woodman’s words and then says, “Don’t ever tell that story again.”

Meanwhile, Horshack is scandalized to hear that Julie is in “the labor room.” “They’re making her work at a time like this!” Horshack declares.

Freddie steals some flowers from a guy who has kidney stones and gives them to Julie, explaining that she deserves the flowers more than some dude who “got his kidneys stoned.” When Julie’s doctor asks Freddie if he’s a relative, Freddie replies that “I’m the cousin they don’t talk about. I’m the …. white sheep on the family.”

As for Barbarino, he and Epstein try to figure out which train to take to get to Burma, which they assume is somewhere near the Bronx. Gabe says that he thinks that he can talk Woodman into letting Barbarino enter the 11th Grade. So, I guess that’s the end of that story.

Anyway, eventually, Gabe is informed that he’s the father of twin girls. TWINS! Gabe will have to double up on the jokes. Gabe goes to see Julie, who smiles beatifically because she now knows there will be someone else around to listen to Gabe talk about his Uncle Max.

This was an okay episode, in that every member of the cast got a chance to get some laughs and, unlike a lot of sitcom episodes featuring someone giving birth, the show avoided any cheap melodramatics. For me, the worst “birth” episode of any sitcom was the episode of Boy Meets World where Cory throws a fit because his mother has the nerve to go into labor on Valentine’s Day and ruin Cory’s plans with Topanga. Seriously, Cory Matthews was a little creep.

Next week: Julie’s parents come to visit!