Film Review: Isle of the Dead (dir by Nick Lyon)

Posted on August 18, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I just finished watching the premiere of the latest Asylum-produced SyFy film, Isle of the Dead!

Oddly, this film premiered on a Thursday night at 10:00 pm and, especially when compared to Sharknado 4 or 2 Lava 2 Lantula, it did so with relatively little fanfare. Fortunately, I just happened to see the premiere mentioned on Facebook. Otherwise, I probably would have missed it all together.

And that would have been a shame because, for a low-budget zombie film that was reportedly filmed in just 12 days, Isle of the Dead was actually a pretty effective little film.

The film’s plot will probably sound familiar but there’s a reason for that. The action starts at a secret Army research post that is located on an isolated tropic island. While Dr. Wexler (D.C. Douglas) watches, a virus spreads through the lab, turning doctors and soldiers into ravenous zombies and leaving death and terror in its wake. Jump forward ten years later. A team of Navy Seals has disappeared on the island and a strike force has been sent to find out what happened to them. Leading the strike force is the tough Lt. Gibson (Joey Lawrence). Accompanying them is a CIA agent named Mikaela Usylvich (Maryse Mizanin). Early on, Mikaela establishes a simple run: If you’re bitten by a zombie, you’re as good as dead. A zombie bite means a bullet to the brain.

Eventually, the strike force makes their way to the old research post, where they discover a lot of zombies and one rather crazed Dr. Wexler. Wexler, who turns out to have a personal connection to Mikaela, has spent the last ten years experimenting on zombies. As a result, we now have zombies who can shoot guns as well as zombies who can talk and who can plot and plan…

If all of this is sounding familiar, it’s because Isle of the Dead is an homage to the Resident Evil games. (Douglas may play Dr. Wexler here but he’s best known for voicing Albert Wesker in the games.) As such, the film follows a pretty standard formula: we watch as the members of the strike force try to move from one area to another without getting ripped to pieces by zombies. Admittedly, I’m not a huge expert on the Resident Evil games but I’ve been told by people who are that Isle of the Dead was full of references that were both subtle and occasionally obvious.

What I can tell you is that, taken on its own terms, Isle of the Dead was an effective, no-nonsense zombie film. The zombies were relentless (and I personally like the idea of talking zombies), the gore was both credible and copious, and the entire film maintained a proper atmosphere of impending doom. Douglas did a good job as crazy Dr. Wexler and Maryse Mizanin got to kick a lot of ass as Mikaela Usylvich. If you’re into zombie films or you just enjoy the unique Asylum aesthetic, I suggest keeping an eye out for Isle of the Dead.

Let’s Talk About Sharknado 4!

Posted on August 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last Sunday night saw the premiere of Sharknado: The Fourth Awakens!

For the fourth year in a row, SyFy and the Asylum allowed us to take a peak into the shark-filled life of Finn Shepherd (Ian Ziering) and his family. Also for the fourth year in a row, the premiere of the latest Sharknado film was practically a national holiday. Long before the film even started, #Sharknado4 was the number one trending topic on twitter. I actually live tweeted the film twice, once for the east coast and then a second time for my friends on the west coast. That’s right — I sent out over 300 tweets about Sharknado 4 on Sunday and I’ve never been more proud of myself. Live tweeting the latest Sharknado is a lot like wishing someone you barely know a happy birthday on Facebook. It’s a part of the ritual of social media. It’s like the Internet’s version of a Thanksgiving parade or a 4th of July fireworks show.

After four films, it’s easy to forget that Sharknado started out like almost any other SyFy film. The first Sharknado film featured no celebrity cameos and very little of the self-referential comedy that has come to define the series. In fact, I didn’t even see Sharknado when it first aired because it premiered, opposite a Big Brother eviction show, on a Thursday. It was only on Friday morning that I discovered that Sharknado had become a phenomena, largely due to the fact that celebrities like Mia Farrow had decided to live tweet it.

After all this time, it’s easy to forget just how much we veteran live tweeters resented that attention that was paid to celebrities like Farrow, the majority of whom were virgins as far as live tweeting SyFy was concerned. (The fact that the majority of Farrow’s Sharknado tweets weren’t that good only added insult to injury.) The media acted as if those celebs had invented live tweeting. They also acted as if Sharknado was the first entertaining and over-the-top film to ever premiere on SyFy. Among those of us who had been live tweeting SyFy film long before the premiere of Sharknado and who had loved pre-Sharknado movies like Jersey Shore Shark Attack and Shark Week, there was more than a little resentment.

But you know what? I watched Sharknado the following Saturday and I had a great time live tweeting it. The next year, I made sure to watch and live tweet Sharknado 2 the night that it premiered. The same was true of Sharknado 3 and I even ended up casting a vote on the question of whether or not April should survive that film’s cliffhanger. With its cheerful absurdity and determination to continually top the glorious absurdity of each previous entry, the Sharknado franchise won me over. In fact, the franchise won over not only me but hundreds of thousands of other viewers. Sharknado has become very much a part of our culture.

As I mentioned above, Sharknado 3 ended with a cliffhanger and that alone indicates just how big a deal Sharknado has become. Sharknado 2 was made because the first Sharknado was an unexpected success. Sharknado 3 followed because Sharknado 2 had proven that the first one was not a fluke and that there was an audience for these films. However, by the time 3 was in production, there was never any doubt that there would be a Sharknado 4. Sharknado 4 also ends with a rather abrupt cliffhanger, leaving little doubt that there will be a Sharknado 5. At this point, not doing another Sharknado film would be the same as canceling summer all together.

As for what Sharknado 4 was about … well, does it really matter? At this point, we know that there’s going to be another sharknado and that Finn is just going to happen to be nearby when it strikes. We know that landmarks will be destroyed (in this case, Las Vegas is thoroughly ravaged during the film’s first 30 minutes). We know that Al Roker will show up and say stuff like, “There are reports of a Lightningnado near Kansas…” (Both Roker and Natalie Morales apparently survived being attacked by sharks during Sharknado 3, though Morales does have an eyepatch in 4. Matt Lauer is nowhere to be seen so I assume he wasn’t as lucky.) We know that celebrities will appear in a cameos and that the majority of them will be promptly eaten by a flying shark. We know that Finn and his family will eventually have to use a chainsaw to battle the sharks and we know that at least one person will be rescued from the inside of a shark’s stomach.

We don’t really watch a movie a like Sharknado 4 for the plot. We watch it for the communal experience. Last Sunday was Sharknado Day and it seems like the entire world was on twitter, talking about Sharknado 4. The majority of us weren’t tweeting about the plot. Instead, we were acknowledging that we had picked up on the in-jokes and the references to other films. When April (Tara Reid) showed up alive and was revealed to now by a cyborg, many references were made to the Terminator — both in the film and on twitter. When we learned that David Hasselhoff has been rescued from the moon, it was time to make jokes about The Martian. When it was announced that a sharknado was headed towards Kansas, I made a Wizard of Oz joke on twitter. Three minutes later, in the movie, a house fell on a character who could charitably be called a witch. We briefly got a shot of her feet sticking out from under the house.

(I should also mention that Gary Busey shows up, playing a mad scientist. The fact that Sharknado 4 could find prominent roles for both the Hoff and the Busey says a lot about what makes this franchise so endearingly entertaining. Considering that Penn Jillette was in Sharknado 3, you have to wonder if the franchise will eventually feature every single person who appeared on The Celebrity Apprentice. Who doesn’t want to see a flying shark bite off Piers Morgan’s head?)

(Actually, as long as I’m mentioning stuff — here’s my favorite inside joke. Finn and his family are driving through North Texas. Just judging by the hills and the mountains in the background, this scene was not actually filmed in Texas. Anyway, they stop off at a general store where Dog Chapman — the bounty hunter — sells them a chainsaw. When the sharks attack Texas, a chainsaw-wielding army is waiting for them. Among that army is Caroline Williams, who starred in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. On the one hand, everyone viewing will immediately get the chainsaw joke. But only the dedicated horror fans will truly understand why it’s so brilliant that Caroline Williams was credited as playing a character named Stretch.)

At this point, the Sharknado franchise is no longer just a series of films. Instead, it’s a deliriously over-the-top experience. In these times of partisan rancor, it briefly did not matter if you were a liberal or a conservative, a Democrat or a Republican. For two hours on Sunday night, if you were watching and live tweeting Sharkando 4, you were a part of a gigantic family, a community of people with an appreciation for over the top silliness. Sharknado 4 brought this country together.

That’s not bad for a film about a bunch of flying sharks.

If you missed Sharknado 4 the first time, catch it when it’s shown again. Just make sure that you watch it with a friend, someone who you can trust to make you laugh.

And, for God’s sake, enjoy yourself!

Life’s too short not to enjoy a Sharknado film!

Cleaning Out The DVR, Again #2: The Other Wife (dir by Nick Lyon)

Posted on June 22, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight, after I watched the 18th season premiere of Big Brother (that’s right, I love reality TV almost as much as I love Italian horror films, almost being the word to remember), I continued to clean out the DVR by watching The Other Wife.

The Other Wife, which premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network on March 13th, is another thriller from our friends at The Asylum. The film opens on a fairly suspenseful note, with Kate Jennings (Kimberly Hewes) preparing to take a shower when she heard someone walking around her house. At first, she assumes that it’s her husband, Billy (George Stumpf). However, she then gets a text from Billy informing her that he’s on his way.

And seriously, that is such a HOLY SHIT moment that it carries the first hour of the entire film. Seriously, there is nothing scarier than suddenly realizing that you are not only not alone but that you have no idea who the other person is. That’s the type of nightmare fuel that gives birth to grisly urban legends!

Kate looks around the house and suddenly spots a hulking, bald man (Nick Principe) searching Billy’s office. Though Kate doesn’t know it, that bald man is named Ed Warwick and he’s very dangerous. He chases her through the house until she can call the police and he leaves her so terrified that she doesn’t even notice that he somehow knows her first name.

When the police arrive, they accidentally arrest Billy and Ed escapes. After getting things sorted out with the cops, Billy assures Kate that Ed was just a random burglar and that everything will be okay. But, if that’s true, why does Kate come home the next day to discover that Billy has hung himself?

With her husband dead, Kate’s seemingly perfect life falls apart. She discovers that Billy was in debt when he died and her credit has been destroyed. Even worse, she discovers that Billy was apparently seeing a woman named Deb (Tonya Key).

In many ways, Deb is Kate’s exact opposite. Kate is polite and refined. Deb is the type who will stand outside and scream at a delivery driver. Kate has been unable to get pregnant. Deb is pregnant. In fact, it would seem that the only thing that Deb and Kate have in common is that they were both married to Billy.

That’s right — Billy was a bigamist! He was also a bigamist who owed a lot of money to the mob. The mob has hired Ed to get their money. Ed delivers an ultimatum to both Billy’s wives. If he doesn’t get the money that Billy owed, Ed will murder Deb and frame Kate. From totally different world and linked only by their husband’s treachery, Deb and Kate will have to work together to get out of this mess.

There’s a great moment in The Other Wife where a police detective is talking to Deb and Kate. “Mrs. Jennings,” the detective said. Both Deb and Kate looked up at the same time and say, “yes?” In many ways, that scene epitomizes The Other Wife. Despite the announcement, during the opening credits, that what we’re watching is based on a true story, The Other Wife is not a movie that is meant to be taken all that seriously. The Other Wife is silly entertainment in the style of most Asylum films, featuring a likable cast and an enjoyably melodramatic storyline. Tonya Key especially seems to be having fun in the role of the outspoken Deb. That said, the real star of the film is Nick Principe, who is thoroughly menacing as the psycho hit man.

The Other Wife was directed by Nick Lyon, who also did the enjoyably pulpy They Found Hell. He does a good job here of keeping the action moving and encouraging the audience not to worry too much about any holes in the plot.

All in all, it’s another enjoyable melodrama from The Asylum!

THE ASYLUM IS BACK!!! Here’s the trailer for Independents’ Day!

Posted on May 12, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

YES!

I love the Asylum!

Take that, all of you overproduced mainstream blockbuster sequels!

Film Review: Dead 7 (dir by Danny Roew)

Posted on April 2, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Dead 7 is a strange one.

The latest film from the geniuses at the Asylum (and I mean that as a compliment because there is definitely a strain of genius at the heart of The Asylum’s madness), Dead 7 premiered on SyFy last night. I watched it. My friends, the Snarkalecs, watched it. And about a million boy band fans watched it. As usual, the Snarkalecs and I attempted to live tweet the film. Unfortunately, for every genuinely witty tweet from me and my friends, there were a few thousand tweets from people begging Nick Carter to retweet them. A lot of wonderful snark got lost in the deluge of fangirl exhortations.

But I can’t really blame the fangirls. If I hadn’t discovered the joys of snark and if not for the fact that I have too much self-worth to beg anyone (no matter how hot or famous) for a retweet, I might have been there with them. Dead 7 is many things but it will probably best be remembered as the movie that featured a lot of former boy band members fighting and being eaten by zombies. (As more than one tweeter put it, Dead 7 was like watching all of your childhood cruses die a terrible and bloody death.) Not only was the film’s story conceived by Backstreet Boy Nick Carter but he also starred in it and convinced a lot of other boy banders to join the cast. Of course, neither Justin Timberlake nor Lance Bass are anywhere to be found in the film. (For that matter, I was surprised that Aaron Carter didn’t show up.) But the film does feature three Backstreet Boys, two from *NSYNC, Jeff Timmons from 98 Degrees, and O-Town.

Yes, O-Town.

(Fortunately, super creepy, super sleazy, and super imprisoned Lou Pearlman did not have a cameo. I imagine that he was one of the first people to be eaten during the zombie apocalypse.)

As for the film itself … well, it’s not exactly easy to describe. The plot was not always easy to follow and there was a surprisingly large amount of backstory for an Asylum zombie film. The apocalypse has come and gone and now, the world has been transformed into the old west. What remains of humanity lives in tiny and isolated communities. Gunslingers wander through the desert. High atop a mountain, a mad woman named Apocalypta (super scary Debra Wilson) breeds zombies and holds the town below hostage. Sheriff Cooper (Jon Secada) recruits a group of warriors to take out Apocalypta and her hordes.

(Incidentally, Apocalypta’s main henchman is named Johnny Vermillion. Johnny wears clown makeup and giggles uncontrollably. He also gouges out a man’s eye. Johnny is played by A.J. McClean of the Backstreet Boys and he makes for a surprisingly effective villain.)

Despite the fact that Cooper and his impressive sideburns are later eaten by a zombie horde, the warriors still go after Apocalypta. They are the Dead 7, not quite magnificent and almost all dead by the end of the film.

O-Town’s Erik Michael Estrada is Komodo. He’s a samurai. He kills a lot of zombies with a sword. Watching the movie last night, we all really loved Komodo but I think we mostly just liked the sword.

Carrie Keagan is Daisy Jane, who I liked because she was a woman who kicked ass. (Plus, Carrie Keagan was a good sport and replied to a few of my snarky tweets.) Daisy’s boyfriend is Billy, who is played by 98 Degrees’s Jeff Timmons. Personally, I think Dead 7 needs a prequel that will focus exclusively on Daisy Jane or Billy.

Joey Fatone is Whiskey Joe. Whiskey Joe is boisterous and always seems to be having a good time. He’s also always drinking whiskey but when he explained that he can blow himself up if he ever finds himself overwhelmed by zombies, I cringed a little because it was such obvious foreshadowing. If nothing else, Dead 7 forces you to consider whether a world without Joey Fatone is a world worth living in.

Whiskey Joe’s partner is the Vaquero (played by Howie Dorough). The Vaquero is good with a rifle and, at one point, calls Whiskey Joe “estupido.”

Sirene (Lauren Kitt-Carter, who is married to Nick in real life) is a mysterious woman who shows up nearly halfway through the film. She doesn’t say much but she’s good at killing zombies.

And finally, Nick himself played Jack. Jack is a man of few words, a stoic gunslinger who always does the right thing. Nick Carter does a surprisingly effective Clint Eastwood impersonation.

By the end of the film, only one member of the Dead 7 will still be alive. Can you guess who?

Beyond the cast (and former boy banders play even the smallest roles), the most interesting thing about Dead 7 is how seriously it takes itself. This is not another Sharknado 3. There’s very little intentional camp to be found in Dead 7. Instead, it’s a gory and violent film, one in which characters die terrible deaths while howling in pain. The juxtaposition of boy banders and blood makes for an odd viewing experience.

Fortunately, I like odd things. Dead 7 may not be perfect (the editing occasionally feels rushed and haphazard and, as a result, the story isn’t always easy to follow) but when it concentrates on zombie mayhem, it works well enough.

Keep an eye out for Dead 7!

(Just make sure that AJ McLean does snatch it out of your head…)

Cleaning Out The DVR #13: Break-Up Nightmare (dir by Mark Quod)

Posted on March 11, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I tried to watch Bad Sister, the next film on my DVR was Break-Up Nightmare, a film which premiered on Lifetime on March 6th.

Break-Up Nightmare is a film from The Asylum, the same wonderful people who have given us the Sharknado films, Wuthering High School, and Santa Claws. As I’ve made clear on this site, I absolutely love Asylum films. Though their films may be low-budget, they’re often more entertaining than the big budget epics that are released by the major studios. Full of inside jokes and deliberately over-the-top storylines, Asylum films are the perfect party movies. These are movies that demand to be seen with a group of your closest and snarkiest friends. Needless to say, when Break-Up Nightmare opened with that “The Asylum presents…” credit, I was excited.

Break-Up Nightmare is actually a little bit more serious than your typical Asylum film but then again, it’s not about flying sharks or talking kittens. Instead, Break-Up Nightmare deals with a serious subject. Or, I should say, at the least first 45 minutes deal with a serious subject.

Recent high school graduate Rachel (Celesta DeAstis) is taking a year off before going to college, mostly so she can work and actually be able to afford to go to the best music school possible. Her jerky jock boyfriend, Troy (Mark Grossman), has received a football scholarship and will be leaving in the fall. However, before Mark leaves, he convinces Rachel to pose for some pictures (yep, those type of pictures) so he won’t forget her while he’s away. Rachel later asks him to delete the pictures but soon discovers that Troy didn’t do so. She also discovers that Troy has been getting texts from another girl and she dumps him. When Troy starts to get belligerent, Rachel’s mother — Barbara (Jennifer Dorogi) — kicks him out of the house.

Free of Troy, Rachel looks forward to getting on with her life. Except, of course, people are looking at her strangely. At work, scummy frat boys show up and ask her provocative questions. At the movies, a creepy middle-aged man sits down behind her and asks, “How’s it going?” Finally, Rachel’s best friend, Ryan (Freeman Lyon), shows her a revenge porn site called LifeRuinerz.com. On the site, Rachel sees the pictures that Troy took of her.

Rachel’s life starts to spiral out of control as, apparently, everyone in the world has either seen the picture or heard about them. When she goes to the police, she’s told that the cops are busy solving real crimes and don’t have time to help someone who voluntarily posed for smutty pictures. At church, the sermon is about the dangers of lust and a judgmental old woman glares at Rachel and tells her that she should dress more modestly. (Been there.) Someone breaks into the house and spray paints “Whore” on the garage door. When Barbara demands that the site remove her daughter’s pictures, she soon finds that her face has been photoshopped into a pornographic image and she loses her teaching job.

And, through it all, Troy continues to deny having put the pictures on the site. It’s easy to suspect Troy because he’s such a jerk but then suddenly, he’s arrested on child pornography charges. Rachel only has to look at one picture to realize that, just as happened to Barbara, Troy’s face has been photoshopped onto someone else. But if Troy isn’t the one responsible, who is?

Meanwhile, pervs across the world are sitting in front of their laptops and watching Barbara undress, the result of a hidden webcam that someone has placed in the house…

So, Break-Up Nightmare starts out as a fairly serious look at revenge porn and it actually makes a lot of important points, the big one being that the whole “pay us and we’ll remove your picture” thing is a scam. There were certain parts of Break-Up Nightmare that hit close to home and made me cringe because, quite frankly, we’ve all been there and we’ve all done things without considering the consequences. But, of course, this is an Asylum Film and, once the important lessons have been taught, the film goes totally batshit crazy in that way that we all love. Suddenly, the film isn’t just about revenge porn. It’s about a diabolical stalker who has come up with a needlessly complicated scheme to accomplish a single goal.

And you know what?

We wouldn’t expect or want anything less from either The Asylum or Lifetime. All you people who complain about plausibility or plot holes, you can go watch another network and think about how you’ve got it all figure out. It’s the implausible melodrama that makes a movie like Break-Up Nightmare fun.

That said, the main reason I liked Break-Up Nightmare was because of the very realistic and truthful depiction of the loving, protective, and occasionally testy relationship between Barbara and Rachel. Jennifer Dorogi and Celesta DeAstis were totally believable as mother and daughter. Barbara may have been overprotective but she was also not going to let anyone get away with hurting her daughter. Barbara basically spent the entire movie kicking ass and it was a lot of fun to watch.

Go Barbara!

Go Asylum!

Go Break-up Nightmare.

Adventures in Cleaning Out The DVR: Night of the Wild (dir by Eric Red)

Posted on November 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

After I finished up my review of Buried Secrets, it was time to watch Night of the Wild. Night of the Wild, which was produced by the wonderful people at The Asylum, originally aired on the SyFy network on October 3rd. Much like Ominous, The Hollow, and They Found Hell, it was aired as a part of their 31 Days of Halloween. I was on vacation when Night of the Wild was originally aired, so I missed it.

Night of the Wild is exactly the type of film that appears to have been made to give me nightmares. It’s a film about killer dogs and I’ve always been a bit scared of dogs. Recently, as a result of meeting some very well-behaved and sweet-natured members of the species, I’ve become a little bit more accepting of them but, for the most part, dogs still make me very nervous. I just can’t deal with all the barking and the growling and the jumping. Add to that, it freaks me out that dogs are apparently attuned to human emotions because I tend to be pretty moody. Get a dog around me and chances are my emotional nature will cause them to have a nervous breakdown.

Night of the Wild opens with a green meteorite crashing down to Earth. It lands near a small farming community. Soon, glowing chunks of the meteorite are appearing everywhere and the town’s dogs start to turn against their owners. (It’s debatable whether or not it’s just dogs that go crazy. One of my favorite shots of the movie is of a hundred cats safely perched up in a tree, as if they’re aware that the dogs are having issues and don’t want anything to do with them. There’s another shot the features several cows mooing in a slightly ominous fashion, as if they also can’t wait to take out a few farmers.) It’s pretty much a typical SyFy/Asylum scenario — the dogs go on a rampage through town, a lot of people die, and the members of a family (made up of Rob Morrow, Kelly Rutherford, Tristin Mays, and Carmen Tonry) try to get to safety.

And yet, there are a few things that set Night of the Wild apart from other SyFy films.

First off, there’s the look of the film. According to the imdb’s trivia section, director Eric Red and cinematographer Spencer Hutchins were inspired by the look of Dario Argento’s classic Suspiria. And you can certainly tell while watching the film. The colors are vibrant. The green glow of the meteorite is often seen in the background. When the dogs lay siege to a farmhouse, the reddish lighting will remind you of Suspiria‘s scenes of Jessica Harper investigating the hidden passageways of that haunted dance academy.

The other thing that sets apart Night of the Wild is just how violent and gruesome the film eventually becomes. Unlike Sharknado 3, this is not a comedy. This is not a film that invites you to laugh over all the mayhem. Night of the Wild is a grim and dark movie, one in which you’re never quite sure who is going to survive and who is going to fall victim to the dogs.

Night of the Wild is a film that will make you want to hug your favorite cat.

Let’s Talk About Mega Shark vs. Kolossus!

Posted on July 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Looking forward to seeing who @LisaMarieBowman kills next with her tweets #megasharkvskolossus

— Kelly Thul (@kellythul) July 19, 2015

It was while watching Mega Shark vs. Kolossus that I discovered that, apparently, I have the power to kill fictional characters with my tweets. As soon Dr. Sergie Abramov (Patrick Bauchau) first appeared on screen, I tweeted out my prediction that he was “doomed,” largely because he was “eccentric and old.” 15 minutes later, a group of gun-toting mercenaries showed up and gunned Dr. Abramov down.

AGCK!, I thought, I didn’t really mean to kill him…

Now, normally, I would have to admit that discovering that I possessed that much power would lead to a lot of thought and reflection on my part. But you know what? I was enjoying myself way too much to really feel that bad about getting Dr. Abramov killed. That’s the type of film that Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is. It’s a lot of fun and, if the cost of that fun is that Dr. Abramov had to die … well, so be it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f78-ga4bgs

Produced by the Asylum and directed by Christoper Douglas-Olen Ray (who also directed A House Is Not A Home and Shark Week), Mega Shark vs. Kolossus premiered on SyFy right after Roboshark. I have to admit that, when the film began, I wasn’t sure that anything could successfully follow the brilliance that was Roboshark.

But, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus proved my doubts wrong.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is not only a good SyFy film and a worthy entry in the Mega Shark franchise but it’s also a lot of fun. If I could only pick a handful of movies to justify my love of SyFy and Asylum films, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus would definitely be right there with End of the World and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Mega Shark vs. Kolossus has everything — from the knowing humor to the over-the-top action to the flamboyant monsters — that you could possibly want from a SyFy film.

At heart, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is a delirious homage to the old school Godzilla films where Godzilla would have to reluctantly save humanity from yet another giant monster. (Kolossus is even reminiscent of the robotic Godzilla from Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla.)

As the film starts, the world has been thrown into chaos as the result of all of the previous Mega Shark attacks. Admiral Jackson (Ernest Thomas) is determined to track down and destroy Mega Shark but Dr. Alison Gray (Illeana Douglas) argues that if we would just leave Mega Shark alone then Mega Shark would leave us alone. Billionaire Joshua Dane (Brody Hutzler) claims to agree with her but is it possible that he has ulterior motives of his own? Well, consider this: has there even been a truly benevolent billionaire in an Asylum film?

Meanwhile, in the Ukraine, Kolossus — a giant robot that was created during the Cold War — has accidentally be activated. Can secret agent Moria King (Amy Rider, who totally kicked ass and who deserves to appear in every subsequent Mega Shark film) and CIA analyst Spencer (Edward DeRuiter, who also wrote the film’s script) figure out how to control Kolossus?

And, finally, will Kolossus and Mega Shark meet and fight? Well, the answer to that one is right in the title of the film.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is delirious fun, a surprisingly well-acted and entertaining homage to the great monster movies of the past. Obviously, Mega Shark is the top-billed star here but, for me, the film is really stolen by Kolossus. This behemoth of robotic mayhem dominates almost every scene in which he appears and hopefully, he’ll return for a future movie. Could Sharktopus vs. Kolossus or Roboshark Meets Kolossus be in the future? I certainly hope so!

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is terrific and entertaining. If you missed it the first time, keep an eye out for a future showing. You will not be disappointed!

We love you, Kolossus!

Playing Catch-Up With 6 Film Reviews: Avengers Grimm, Bad Asses On The Bayou, Hayride 2, Insurgent, Poltergeist, Tomorrowland

Posted on July 19, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here are 6 films that I saw during the first half of 2015. Some of them are on Netflix and some of them were major studio releases. Some of them are worth seeing. Some of them most definitely are not.

Avengers Grimm (dir by Jeremy M. Inman)

Obviously made to capitalize on the popularity of Avengers: Age of Ultron, Avengers Grimm opens with a war in the world of fairy tales. Evil Rumpelstiltskin (Casper Van Dien) uses Snow White’s (Laura Parkinson) magic mirror to cross over into our world and he takes Snow White with him! It’s now up to Cinderella (Milynn Sharley), Sleeping Beauty (Marah Fairclough), and Rapunzel (Rileah Vanderbilt) to cross over into our world, save Snow White, and defeat Rumpelstiltskin. Also sneaking over is rebellious Red Riding Hood (Elizabeth Petersen) who is determined to kill Rumpelstiltskin’s henchman, The Wolf (Kimo Leopoldo).

Got all that?

Avengers Grimm is another enjoyably insane mockbuster from The Asylum. The budget’s low, the performances are intentionally melodramatic, and it’s all lot of fun. Casper Van Dien has a lot of fun playing evil, the women all get to kick ass, and Lou Ferrigno is well-cast as a labor leader named Iron John.

Avengers Grimm is currently available on Netflix.

Bad Asses On The Bayou (dir by Craig Moss)

Apparently, this is the third film in which Danny Trejo and Danny Glover have respectively played Frank Vega and Bernie Pope, two old guys who kick ass in between worrying about their prostates. I haven’t seen the previous two Bad Asses films but I imagine that it really doesn’t matter.

In this film, Trejo and Glover go to Louisiana to attend a friend’s wedding. When she’s kidnapped, they have to rescue her and impart some important life lessons to her younger brother. It’s all pretty predictable but then again, it’s also pretty good for a film called Bad Asses On The Bayou. This is a film that promises two things: Danny Trejo kicking ass and lots of bayou action. And it delivers on both counts.

In fact, I would say that Bad Asses On The Bayou is a better showcase for Danny Trejo’s unique style than the better known Machete films. Danny Trejo is a surprisingly adept comedic actor and he gives a performance here that shows his talent goes beyond mere physical presence.

Bad Asses On The Bayou is currently available on Netflix.

Hayride 2 (dir by Terron R. Parsons)

I should admit up front that I haven’t seen the first Hayride film. Luckily, Hayride 2 picks up directly from the end of the first film and is filled with so many flashbacks and so much conversation about what happened that it probably doesn’t matter.

Essentially, Pitchfork (Wayne Dean) is a murderous urban legend who turns out to be real. He killed a lot of people in the first film and he stalks those that escaped throughout the 2nd film. Like all good slasher villains, Pitchfork is a relentless killer. He’s also an unrepentant racist, which leads to a genuinely unpleasant scene where he attacks a black detective (Corlandos Scott). Say whatever else you will about the film, Hayride 2 deserves some credit for being on the side of the victims. No attempt is made to turn Pitchfork into an anti-hero and the movie is relentlessly grim.

Hayride 2 is an odd film. The film’s low-budget is obvious in every single scene. The pacing is abysmal and the performances are amateurish. And yet, when taken on its own meager terms, it has a dream-like intensity to it that I appreciated. Then again, I always have had a weakness for low-budget, regional horror films.

Hayride 2 is available on Netflix.

Insurgent (dir by Robert Schwentke)

Insurgent is both the sequel to Divergent and was also 2015’s first YA dystopia film. Shailene Woodley is as good as ever and I guess it’s good that she has a commercially successful franchise, which will hopefully inspire audiences to track down better Shailene Woodley films like The Spectacular Now.

All that said, Insurgent often felt even more pointless than Divergent. For a two-hour film featuring performers like Woodley, Kate Winslet, Octavia Spencer, Ansel Elgort, and Miles Teller, Insurgent has no excuse for being as forgettable and boring as it actually was. The next installment in The Hunger Games can not get here soon enough.

Poltergeist (dir by Gil Kenan)

When a family (led by Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie DeWitt) move into a new house, they discover that everything is not what it seems. For one thing, they come across a bunch of creepy clown dolls. They also hear a lot of scary sounds. They discover that the house was built on an old cemetery. Their youngest daughter vanishes. And finally, someone says, “Isn’t this like that old movie that was on TCM last night?”

Okay, they don’t actually say that. However, as everyone knows, the 2015 Poltergeist is a remake of the 1982 Poltergeist. Since the 1982 Poltergeist still holds up fairly well, the 2015 Poltergeist feels incredibly unnecessary. It has a few good jump scenes and it’s always good to see Sam Rockwell and Rosemarie DeWitt in lead roles but ultimately, who cares? It’s just all so pointless.

Watch the wall-dancing original. Ignore the remake.

Tomorrowland (dir by Brad Bird)

Welcome to the world of tomorrow! Wow, is it ever boring!

Actually, I feel a little bit bad about just how much I disliked Tomorrowland because this is a film that really did have the best intentions. Watching the film, you get the sinking feeling that the people involved actually did think that they were going to make the world a better place. Unfortunately, their idea of a better world is boring and almost oppressively optimistic. There is no room for cynicism in Tomorrowland. Bleh. What fun is that?

Anyway, the film basically steals its general idea from the Atlas Shrugged trilogy. Tomorrowland is a secret place that is inhabited by inventors, dreamers, and iconoclasts. Years ago, Frank (George Clooney) was banished from Tomorrowland because, after learning that the Earth was destined to end, he lost “hope” in mankind’s future. Fortunately, he meets Casey (Britt Robertson), who is full of hope and through her, he gets to return. They also get a chance to save the world and battle a cartoonish super villain played by Hugh Laurie. (Why is he a villain? Because he’s played by Hugh Laurie, of course!)

After all the hype and build-up, Tomorrowland turned out to be dull and predictable. What a shame. The Atlas Shrugged trilogy was at least fun because it annoyed the hipsters at the AV Club. Tomorrowland is just forgettable.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #117: Wuthering High School (dir by Anthony DiBlasi)

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday, I finally got around to watching the latest film from both Lifetime and the Asylum, Wuthering High School!

Cathy and Heath

Why Was I Watching It?

I was late in watching Wuthering High School. Saturday afternoon, I spent five hours in the Emergency Room, all so I could find out that I have bronchitis. By the time I finally got home, I was so tired that I slept through the Lifetime premiere of Wuthering High School. Fortunately, I did DVR it and yesterday, I finally found the time to watch it.

As to why I was watching it — hey, it’s a modern version of Wuthering Heights that’s set in a high school! And it was produced by the Asylum!

Wuthering Heights, high school, and The Asylum, three of my favorite things.

Seriously, how could I not watch it?

What Was It About?

Wuthering High School is the latest version of Emily Bronte’s classic novel, Wuthering Heights. After his family is deported, Heath (Andrew Jacobs) is adopted by wealthy Mr. Earnshaw (James Caan). Soon, Earnshaw is viewing Heath as being more of a son to him than his biological child, the drug-addicted Lee (Sean Flynn). Meanwhile, Heath has fallen in love with Earnshaw’s daughter, Cathy (Paloma Kwiatkowski). Cathy is struggling to come to terms with the recent death of her mother and soon, she and Heath are skipping school, tearing up school books in slow motion, and getting sentenced to community service. However, when Cathy rejoins the school’s popular clique of mean girls, she starts to grow distant from Heath. While Heath plots his revenge, Cathy is pursued by the well-meaning but ineffectual Eddie Linton (Matthew Boehm).

What Worked?

At its heart, Wuthering High School was definitely a “look at the pretty clothes and look at the pretty houses” type of film. And that’s okay because, ultimately, the clothes and the houses were all very pretty and they were all filmed in very loving detail by director Anthony DiBlasi. At it’s best, Wuthering High School is a pure celebration of melodramatic style.

Modernizing a classic, 19th century novel is always a risky proposition. Setting it in a high school is equally dangerous as well. But I actually liked a few of the ways that Bronte’s story was updated. For instance, I thought it was brilliant to turn the novel’s gambling addicted Hindley Earnshaw into the film’s drug-addicted Lee Earnshaw. As well, transforming gypsy Heathcliff into Heath, the son of a deported illegal immigrant, worked far better than I expected that it would.

Among the supporting cast, Matthew Boehm and Francesca Eastwood were both well-cast. Eastwood, especially, seemed to be having a lot of fun delivering her Mean Girls-style dialogue. (“That’s not the first time you’ve been wet,” she says after pouring a drink on Cathy.) And James Caan brought a lot of gravitas to his role.

And, finally, Paloma Kwiatkowski was well-cast as the angry and outspoken Cathy. Many scenes that should not have worked did work because of Kwiatkowski’s sincere and empathetic performance.

What Did Not Work?

So, with all of those good points that I mentioned above, why wasn’t Wuthering High School as much fun as it should have been? Ultimately, I think the film’s pacing was just a little bit off. Certain scenes moved just a bit too slowly while other scenes were finished too quickly and, as a result, the entire film had an oddly rushed feel to it.

As well, I had some issues with the film’s ending. Obviously, this is going to be a SPOILER so, if you want to be surprised, don’t read any further. *SPOILER BEGINS* Towards the end of Wuthering High School, Cathy chooses to walk out into the ocean and drowns herself while Heath watches. We are then left with a montage of everyone mourning, Heath digging up her grave and curling up next to her in a coffin, and Cathy — speaking to us from beyond the grave — saying that she’s now finally been reunited with her mother. And … seriously? Obviously, Cathy had to die in order to remain true to the spirit of Wuthering Heights but did she have to commit suicide and, even more importantly, did the film have to suggest that she was better off having done so? *SPOILER ENDS*

Finally, of the many actors to have played Heathcliff over the years, Andrew Jacobs was not exactly the most convincing. He came across as being more petulant than passionate.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Oh, I totally related to Cathy. I always do.

Lessons Learned

Avoid the ocean at all costs.