Last night, I watched a little film called Shark Week on the SyFy channel.
Why Was I Watching It?
I was watching for a few reasons. Number one, it was on the SyFy Network and that’s always a good sign. Number two, it’s the latest film to be produced by the folks at the Asylum and that’s usually another good sign that the film, if nothing else, is going to be an interesting viewing experience. Finally, some of the wittiest people on twitter were live tweeting this film and they were tolerant enough not to block me when I decided not to join in.
What’s It About?
It’s Saw Meets Jaws!
So, there’s this evil millionaire guy named Tiberon (played by Patrick Bergin) and he apparently owns a private island just south of the Florida keys and he’s a little bit upset because his son is dead and there’s 8 people that he holds responsible for the death. Those 8 people all have individual names but, to be honest, they’re all pretty interchangeable and I found it easier just to refer to them all by nicknames like Blue Shirt, Tattoo Girl, Skinny Vin Diesel, Ugly Katy Perry, and my personal favorite character in the entire film, Psuedo Arquette (who was played by Frankie Cullen).
Tiberon and his assistant Elena (played by Yancy Butler) kidnap our 8 victims and dump them on an island where they’re forced to fight for their right to live while having to deal with several shark-related booby traps. Why? I assume because the evil guy is named Tiberon (and yes, that’s how he spells it, according to the imdb). Just imagine if the guy was named Kittens. It would have been a totally different movie.
Speaking of the imdb, one reviewer over on that site has already declared that Shark Week is the worst film ever made. To him, I say, “Calm down, your judgmental toadsucker.” Shark Week is a low-budget film with a bunch of hammy acting and obviously cheap special effects. It’s also a lot of fun. Shark Week, like the best SyFy offerings, is a film that’s been specifically designed to inspire you to talk back to your TV. Shark Week is not a film that you watch alone while jotting down critical observations in your Hello Kitty notebook. Shark Week is a movie that you watch with a bunch of friends and you have a good time while doing so. Shark Week doesn’t take itself seriously and neither should you.
Plus, I absolutely adored Frankie Cullen, who played a character named Frankie. I, however, referred to him as Pseudo Arquette throughout the entire film because he really does look like a less goofy, more manly version of David Arquette. I mentioned on twitter that I thought Pseudo Arquette was the cutest guy on the island. “Sweetie, he’s a porn star,” someone tweeted back, referring to the fact that, outside of Shark Week, Cullen’s filmography is made up of movies like Celebrity Sex Tape, The Breastford Wives, The Devil Wears Nada, and Busty Coeds Vs. Lusty Cheerleaders. Well, no matter. I still loved my Psuedo Arquette.
Speaking of which, if I ever take up a second career as a super-powered crime fighter, I hope that the newspapers call me, “Busty CoEd.” As in, “Thank you, Busty CoEd, you saved our town! YAY!”
What Didn’t Work?
The title was a bit of a problem because the film appeared to take place over the course of just two or three days. Certainly, they weren’t on that island for an entire week. Add to that, we were using the #SharkWeek hashtag on twitter to talk about the film while we were watching it and, as a result, we had to deal with other people making random comments like, “I can’t wait for #SharkWeek to start on the Discovery Channel!” Seriously, it got a little annoying after a while.
“Oh my God! Just Like Me!” Moments
Much like Tattoo Girl and Ugly Katy Perry, I’m scared of sharks, too. That’s one of the many reasons why I always stay in the shallow end of the pool.
Two lessons learned: First off, you can literally do anything as long as you’re in international waters. Secondly, baby sharks are seriously cute.