Tag Archives: television

Retro Television Review: The American Short Story 1.1 “The Music School”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing The American Short Story, which ran semi-regularly on PBS in 1974 to 1981.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime and found on YouTube and Tubi.

Today, we start a new series of reviews with an adaptation of a John Updike short story!

Episode 1.1 “The Music School”

(Dir by John Korty, originally aired on January 1st, 1974)

The first episode of The American Short Story is based on a story by John Updike.  Alfred Schweigen (Ron Weyand) is a writer who sits at his typewriter and who occasionally looks out the window of his office.  His wife playfully sprays the window with a garden hose and the writer thinks about how she’s in therapy because of his affairs.  He remembers taking his daughter to her music school and thinks about the sounds of music floating through the building like ghostly memories.  He thinks about a priest who, while talking to a bunch of “Protestants and non-believers,” explained that it was now permissible to chew the Eucharist wafer instead of waiting for it to dissolve.  He thinks about a friend of his, a computer programmer, who was apparently assassinated by a random sniper while his family watched.  In his mind, Alfred takes the random thoughts and occurrences and builds a story around them.

It’s an interesting episode, even if it doesn’t quite work.  Tasked with bringing Updike’s words to visual life, this episode far too often falls back onto cliche and Ron Weyand often looks more annoyed that sincerely perplexed by life’s mysteries.  (The writer’s narration is provided by Henry Fonda, whose middle-American voice doesn’t quite match Weyand’s petulant performance.)  It’s a midlife crisis type of story, one in which the writer tries to deal with his own ennui and infidelities by turning them into fiction.  Unfortunately, this is a case of what was compelling on the page falling flat when it’s adapted for film.  I appreciated this episode’s ambition, even if it didn’t work in the end.

Next week, the American Short Story interprets a story by Ambrose Bierce!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.13 “Midnight Riders”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, the show attempts a change of pace!

Episode 3.13 “Midnight Riders”

(Dir by Allan Eastman, originally aired on January 29th, 1990)

An odd episode, this one.

Jack, Micki, and Johnny head out to a small town so that Jack can look up into the night sky and see a once-in-a-lifetime convergence of the stars.  However, possibly as a result of the convergence (it’s never really made clear), a bunch of dead motorcycle riders are resurrected and they rumble into town, seeking vengeance on everyone who took part in the death of their leader.  If the bikers can kill every one of them, their leader will be resurrected.  Finally, the ghost of Jack’s father (Dennis Thatcher) shows up and works with Jack to stop the bikers.  It turns out that Jack and his father had a difficult relationship.  Ryan had a difficult relationship with his father.  Johnny was falsely accused of murdering his father.  We’ve never met Micki’s father but he’s probably a jerk too.

The weird thing about this episode is that it didn’t feature a cursed antique.  Instead, Jack and the crew went to a small town and supernatural stuff started happening shortly after they arrived.  That’s okay, I guess.  In theory, there’s nothing wrong with trying something new.  But, at the same time, the cursed antiques were what set this show apart from all of the other supernaturally-themed television series out there.  Personally, even when the antique’s curse makes no sense, I still enjoy seeing what the show comes up with.

This episode had a lot of atmosphere and a typically good performance from Chris Wiggins.  The ghost bikers were never quite as intimidating as they should have been, despite all of the murders.  If anything, they reminded me a bit too much of Sometime They Come Back.  This episode was a change of pace and, as if often the case with things like this, it didn’t quite work.  Here’s hoping next week will have a cursed antique!

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 1.22 “Addiction”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week, the first season comes to a close.

Episode 1.22 “Addiction”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on May 3rd, 1983)

“To life,” Dr. Auschlander toasts towards the end of the finale of St. Elsewhere’s first season and the sentiment could not be more called for.

While Auschlander has spent the episode hanging out with a friend of his and getting into fights with disrespectful street punks, Dr. Morrison’s wife has been giving birth to their son.  While someone breaks into the supply room and takes off with a huge supply of drugs, Dr. White is sobbing and telling his estranged wife that he knows he has to get help for his addictions.  While one drug addict (Ralph Seymour) commits suicide by injecting an air bubble into his veins, Dr. Craig’s cocky son, Stephen (Scott Paulin), visits from medical school and turns out to be quite a weed-smoking, pill-popping drug user himself.  Ehrlich, assigned to show Stephen around the hospital and teach him what it’s like being a resident, considers telling Dr. Craig that his son has a drug problem but apparently decides not to.  Dr. Craig is very proud that his son is going to follow the family tradition of becoming a surgeon.  Meanwhile, Dr. Fiscus cheats on Shirley Daniels with Kathy Martin.  Fiscus, you idiot.

Life goes on at St. Eligius.  That’s was the theme of the finale and it’s also been the theme of the first season.  For all the bad things that happen, there are also good things.  Some patients die.  Some doctors are incompetent.  But babies are born and doctors like Morrison and Ehrlich and Chandler haven’t given up and are still trying to make the world a better place.  Dr. Auschlander may be terminally ill with cancer but he embraces life and we should all do the same.

It’s a good ending for an overall good first season.  There were a few weak episodes.  Dr. Samuels was a pretty annoying character and I’m a bit relieved to see that David Birney left the show after this season.  Ed Flanders can be a bit overly somber as Dr. Westphall and Howie Mandel is still one of the least convincing doctors that I’ve ever seen.  That said, Morrison, Ehrlich, Chandler, Nurse Daniels, and even Dr. White are interesting characters and I look forward to seeing what happens with them during season 2.  The season’s stand-out was definitely William Daniels as the pompous yet still likable Dr. Craig.  Other than the terrible storyline where he cheated on his wife (and I still claim that was a dream episode, like almost all of the stuff with Dr. Samuels), Dr. Craig was this season’s standout character.

Next week, we start season 2!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.23 “Heavy Date”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark are back in Los Angeles.

Episode 3.23 “Heavy Date”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on March 18th, 1987)

Jonathan and Mark’s latest assignment finds them in Los Angeles, where they share an apartment in a building that is managed by Marge Davis (Peggy Pope).  Marge, a widow, is upset that her son, Gary (Patrick O’Bryan), doesn’t seem to have any direction in life.  When Gary loses his job, Marge kneels down and puts her head in the oven.  Uhmm …. okay.  Suicide humor, that’s great, I guess.

Alice Hartman (Lorie Griffin) shows up in Los Angeles and takes an apartment in the building.  Alice is seven months pregnant.  Her mother has created a cover story, that Alice has gone to Europe for the summer.  Instead, Alice has gone to Los Angeles so she can have the baby and give it up for adoption without her father finding out.  Jonathan works his magic and manipulates Gary and Alice into falling in love.  When Alice has her baby, Gary asks her to marry him and says that he wants to help her raise the baby.  So, I guess the nice couple who wanted to adopt the baby are just out of luck.

This episode was a bit odd.  When Alice first comes to Los Angeles, she says she’s seven months pregnant.  The episode takes place over  a longer period of time than usual and Alice eventually has the baby.  At no point does Alice ever appear to be pregnant.  She wears baggy clothes but still, there’s only so much that an extra-large sweater can conceal when you’re that pregnant.  There was also a weird scene where Gary, pretending to be the baby’s biological father, lied to the adoptive parents and claimed that he was on probation and that his mother was in a mental institution.  The show played it for laughs but again, the couple seemed so nice and happy about the idea of adopting that Gary’s lies just felt cruel.  And, for a show that was all about an angel on a mission from God, it’s interesting that Gary’s actions went unpunished.  If anything, he was rewarded for them.

(Seriously, the couple that wanted to adopt Alice baby, they were so nice!  That the episode just kind of pushed them aside really didn’t feel right.  I get that Jonathan and Mark’s assignment was to help Alice and Gary but Gary is kind of a jerk and Alice is kind of immature.  Whose going to help the Wallaces, who sincerely wanted to give the baby a good home?)

This episode was obviously heartfelt.  For once, Michael Landon is the sole credited writer so one gets the feeling that this episode’s story and message both meant a lot to him.  (That said, Landon’s approach to the story makes the message come across as being less pro-family and more anti-adoption.)   In the end, the main problem is that neither Gary nor Alice really seem worthy of all of the effort that Jonathan is putting into the assignment.  It’s hard not to feel that maybe Jonathan and Mark needed to help everyone out and not just Alice and Gary.

 

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 2.12 “Jason’s Deal”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

Jason humiliates himself again.

Episode 2.12 “Jason’s Deal”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on January 22nd, 1990)

I guess Jason’s supposed to be a rock star now.  His CD has been released and he’s given a $20,000 advance by a guy (Christian Zimmerman) from the record company.  He proceeds to rent out an apartment of his own and spends a ton of money decorating it.  Will success spoil Jason Collins!?

Actually, failure spoils Jason Collins.  His CD only sells 70 copies and he’s dropped by the label.  He has to move back home.  Scott, Murray, and Alex are all angry because of the way he treated them when he thought he was a star.  He even lied so that he throw an industry party rather than hang out with his brother and their dorky friends.  Of course, the party was attended by Jason’s record company boss so maybe some understanding is in order here.  Scott, Murray, and Alex forgive him but only after reading, in the paper, that Jason has been dropped by the record company.  Would an obscure, generic singer getting dropped by a record company really be front page news?

(Speaking of which, maybe Jason’s CD would have sold if he and the record company had actually done something to …. oh, I don’t know, PROMOTE IT!?  Jason doesn’t go on the radio.  He doesn’t go on tour.  He doesn’t go on TRL.  Seriously, Jason, what did you think was going to happen?)

Meanwhile, Lisa (the character, not me) acts like a total bitch because her friends is dating Traycee.  Believe me, I don’t like tossing that word around (especially as an insult) but there’s really no other way to describe Lisa’s behavior.  Lisa’s friend, Curtis (James Castle Stevens), really likes Traycee and Lisa’s reaction is to act like a stuck-up snob.  Curtis is an environmentalist and Traycee is keeping him from saving the rain forest!  Or maybe Curtis is just realizing that there’s nothing one person can do to save the rain forest and, since he’s kind of a wimpy nerdy guy, he should enjoy life while he’s still young.  Either way, it’s really none of Lisa’s business.

Oh, this storyline annoyed me!  It’s a little bit difficult to fairly judge anyone’s performance on Malibu CA.  That said, Brandon Brooks, Priscilla Inga Taylor, and Edward Blatchford all manage to give decent performance despite the bad dialogue and dumb plotting.  Trevor Merszei (who played Scott) is giving a considerably better performance during the second season than he did during the first.  Meanwhile, Marquita Terry (who plays Lisa) is consistently terrible in a way that’s noticeable even by the standards of a Peter Engel-produced sitcom.

Eventually, Tracyee encourages her friend to go to the rain forest and Jason moves back home.  So, Jason will not be a rock star and Scott will not be going to the Olympics.  Instead, they’re destined to forever be busboys in their father’s restaurant.  It couldn’t happen to a group of more deserving people.

HAWKINS: Death and the Maiden (1973) – starring Jimmy Stewart!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

In this pilot episode of the TV-Movie series HAWKINS, Jimmy Stewart plays Billy Jim Hawkins from the fictional town of Beauville, West Virginia, who just happens to be the best defense lawyer in the business. A former prosecutor who changed sides, he has a perfect record for getting his clients off. Billy Jim gets a call to come out to Los Angeles when an heiress, Edith Dayton-Thomas (Bonnie Bedelia), is charged with the murder of her dad, stepmom, and stepdaughter. Billy Jim and his team, which is basically just his cousin R.J. Hawkins (Strother Martin), set about getting to know all the people in her life. There’s the family lawyer Carl Vincent (Robert Webber) who’s been dipping his hand in the family till while also carrying on an affair, much to the chagrin of his wife Vivian (Antoinette Bower). There’s Edith’s aunt Julia (Kate Reid), who doesn’t seem to have a very strong opinion of her now deceased brother in law and was seen arguing with him on the day of his murder. And there’s Edith herself, whose diary would indicate that she hated her dad and her stepmom so much that she wanted them dead. She also just happens to have the reputation for being a little strange and / or crazy. The evidence seems to be stacked against Edith, but Billy Jim doesn’t get to charge those extremely high legal fees for nothing. If anyone can get to the bottom of the case, it’s him. 

I’ll just go ahead and say that Jimmy Stewart and the character of Billy Jim Hawkins are a match made in heaven. Any person who has seen him in the classic Otto Preminger film ANATOMY OF A MURDER (1959) knows how great he is at playing a down home defense attorney. He excels in the role, and he’s reason alone to invest in the DVD collection from Warner Brothers Archive like I did several years back. It’s so fun watching him question people in his easy going, slow talking, country boy way which almost always leads to the discovery of exactly what he needs to know. And Strother Martin is perfect as his cousin and associate, one of 174 first cousins, according to Billy Jim himself. You see, one of the interesting things about Billy Jim’s family is that he’s one of 14 kids, with 52 nieces and nephews to go along with all those first cousins. That’s some fun character history for a guy like me, whose mom is one of 15 kids, and I also have tons of first cousins. Stewart and Martin are a perfect duo, and their sharing of different theories as the episodes progress make up some of the best scenes. Add to Stewart and Martin a solid group of guest stars in this episode including Bonnie Bedelia (DIE HARD), Robert Webber (THE DIRTY DOZEN), Kate Reid (THIS PROPERTY IS CONDEMNED), and Antoinette Bower (THE EVIL THAT MEN DO), and you can’t help but have an entertaining show. There’s never any doubt that Stewart is going to uncover the murderer, but the fun of course is in seeing how he puts all the clues together. 

HAWKINS: Death and the Maiden is the first of eight “Hawkins” TV movies starring Jimmy Stewart in 1973 and 1974. The character of Billy Jim Hawkins is a clear pre-cursor to the character of Matlock that Andy Griffith would have so much success with a little over a decade later. In a strange move at the time, CBS chose to alternate HAWKINS on Tuesday nights with a series of SHAFT TV movies. Imagine wanting to watch SHAFT only to turn on your TV to discover Jimmy Stewart and Strother Martin solving murder mysteries, or Vice-Versa. Conventional wisdom suggests that this release strategy was probably confusing to the respective audiences for the shows based on their vastly different demographics. I personally think they both sound awesome, but I can see how pairing such different shows in this way could have been a problem for the ratings. Regardless of its short lived tenure, if you’re a fan of Jimmy Stewart, you need to watch HAWKINS. Each episode is a joy to behold. 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.18 “Desirable Alien”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, an immigrant wants to stay in America.

Episode 3.18 “Desirable Alien”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on January 27th, 1991)

Hercules (Tony Spiridakis) is a Greek immigrant who claims that he cannot return to his home country because of a mysterious birth defect.  Hercules wants to be an American citizen but, for some reason, he is hesitant to take the physical exam necessary for citizenship and he always finds a way to put it off.  As he waits to become a citizen, Hercules works in a restaurant with his friend, Luis (Luis Guzman).  Hercules has had several case workers, all of whom have mysteriously stopped working for the Immigration agency after meeting with Hercules.  It turns out that almost every woman that Hercules meets ends up becoming one of his lovers.  Luis is impressed.  Hercules says that he can’t help it.  And, as caseworker Maggie (Wendy Makkena) discovers, he’s not lying.  It turns out that Hercules is actually a satyr.  Debbie Harry, of Blondie fame, has a brief cameo as a doctor who shows up to give Hercules his physical and who quickly becomes one of his lovers.

This episode was well-acted but it didn’t really add up to much.  It’s tempting to try to connect the episode’s story to modern politics and the current debate about immigration but …. nah.  That would be giving this episode a bit too much credit.  As much as I complain about programs that are too long for the often simple stories that they tell, this episode is a case where I wouldn’t have minded a bit more time to explore the story.  With a 21-minute runtime, this episode felt rushed and rather incomplete.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.28 “A Dress To Remember”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time set sail for adventure!

Episode 5.28 “A Dress To Remember”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on May 8th, 1982)

This week’s episode features three stories and one dress.

The dress, a lovely blue gown, is brought on board by diet doctor Dr. Alfred Farney (Kelly Monteith), who claims that his “muskmullet” diet will lead to Donna Baker (Markie Post) losing 10 pound by the end of the cruise.  The proof will be that Donna will be able to fit into the dress.  Alfred’s former partner-turned-rival Dr. Tucker Martin (Lyle Waggoner) is also on the ship and his plan is to tempt Donna into eating so much that she’ll instead gain 11 pounds and the dress will rip.  Boooo!  Shame on both of those doctors!  Seriously, Donna looks miserable for the entire cruise.  That said, despite the efforts of Dr. Martin, Donna still loses the weight …. in fact, she loses even more than 10 pounds.  She loses 11!  Doctors Farney and Martin agree to partner up again and Donna, who looks like she’s about to faint, suggests that they celebrate over pizza.  The doctors make some money and Donna gets an eating disorder but at least the dress looks good.

That dress goes through a lot over the course of one episode.  For some reason, Gopher and Isaac have been tasked with keeping it safe.  Why would you trust those two with something important?  Actually, Isaac is usually pretty smart and Gopher’s actually been behaving a bit more like a professional than usual this season so I guess they were just having an off-cruise.

Norman Lomax (Bob Denver) wears the dress (and a wig) to keep his ex-father-in-law, Tom (Forrest Tucker), from recognizing him.  Tom must be an idiot because Bob Denver in a wig and dress still looks and sounds like Bob Denver.  Norman’s ex-wife, Nancy (Brianne Leary), is also on the cruise.  Norman tries to win her back.

Finally, Tom falls for Rosie Strickland (Eleanor Parker), who makes her living selling flowers to people boarding the cruise.  When Rosie’s daughter (Catherine Parkes,) shows up, Rosie doesn’t want her to know that Rosie isn’t rich.  So, the Captain gives her the dress to wear and helps Rosie pretend to be a rich woman.  Fortunately, it turns out that Rosie’s daughter loves her regardless of whether or not she’s rich.  And so does Tom!

Myself, I’m a little bit concerned by the fact that the Captain just gave away a piece of clothing that belonged to one of the passengers.  That doesn’t really seem very professional and it kind of goes against everything that we know about Captain Stubing.  He’s a good man but he’s not exactly a rule-breaker.  That said, everything works out in the end.  Stubing even gets to perform a triple wedding.

The third story, I actually liked it.  It’s heart was in the right place, even if it was basically just a remake of Lady For a Day.  Eleanor Parker actually gave a really good performance, finding some much needed reality in Rosie’s character.  The other two stories were pretty forgettable (or, in Bob Denver’s case, annoying) but Eleanor Parker’s story made up for both of them, making this a very nice and ultimately rather touching cruise.

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 17: A Man’d Be Proud (originally aired December 31st, 1966) – Series Finale

Posted on by Bradley Crain

Episode 17, the final episode of this short lived TV series, begins with Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed) in serious need of a cook at his cattle ranch. While lamenting the horrible state of the vittles that he and his men are being forced to consume to Sam Grafton (Sam Gilman), it’s suggested that he consider asking Marian Starett (Jill Ireland) to be his cook. Ryker ends up taking Sam’s advice and heads out to the Starett ranch to see her and even gets invited to stay for dinner. None of this is setting well with Shane (David Carradine) or Tom Starett (Tom Tully), as neither man trusts Ryker, especially since he has spent the better part of the first 16 episodes of the series wanting to take the ranch away from them. They make their feelings very obvious as Ryker plays nice and Marian seems to appreciate his suddenly more caring and complimentary nature. Later at Sam’s bar, Ryker begins telling Sam about how good it would be to have a woman to spend his time with. Sam tells him “You’re talking like a man in love.” It really seems that Ryker may be falling for Marian. He even gets a fresh shave and haircut. Shane walks in on Ryker getting his haircut and gets pissed all over again. He heads back to the ranch and tells Marian, who offers to give Shane his own haircut, that Ryker is “trying to court you,” hoping that she’ll put down the idea. Sensing what Shane is up to, Marian decides to play devil’s advocate and acts like dating Ryker isn’t such a bad idea. It drives Shane crazy, which seems to be making Marian quite happy. Ryker keeps pressing forward, even bringing Marian some excellent peanut brittle. As a jealous Shane tries to warn Marian that Ryker is dangerous, she asks Shane why he cares, clearly wanting him to answer honestly, which he doesn’t. Will Shave ever admit to Marian that he loves her?!! Will Ryker be able to convince her that he can give her a good life at his ranch? Will Tom threaten to kick Shane’s ass if he doesn’t handle his business with Marian? The good news is that all such questions are answered in this final episode.

While episode 17 presents a strange conundrum, Shane vs. Rufe Ryker for Marian’s attention, I must admit that I found it an excellent conclusion to the series for several reasons. First, Rufe Ryker’s best nature is finally revealed. Throughout the series Ryker has been a lot of bluster, but with a couple exceptions, he has mostly been a reasonable man and has even worked with the Starett’s multiple times for the good of the valley. His feelings for Marian bring out a sensitivity and kindness in him that we have not seen before. Being one of the more interesting characters, I liked that he was given even more depth this late in the series. Second, there’s a scene late in the episode where Tom confronts Shane, chews his ass out and tells him he’d kick that same ass if he was a little younger since he’s not “man enough” to take care of his business. So many times people dance around and do everything possible NOT to tell people how they feel in these shows. Not this time, as Tom tells Shane exactly how he feels and he doesn’t pull a punch even slightly. It pisses off an already pissed off Shane even farther, but these are words he needs to hear, and they spur him to action. I’ve mentioned some of Tom Tully’s excellent moments in the past, but he saved the best for last. I found it to be one of the best individual moments of the entire series. Finally, you’d think this storyline and the fact that it’s the very last episode would force Shane to finally tell Marian how he fills about her. I’m not going to spoil the ending, but throughout the entire series, Shane has been shown to be a man of action, not of words, and that aspect of his character remains unchanged to the very end. You’ll have to watch for yourself to find out exactly what I mean with that last statement.

I started watching this series for two reasons; I loved the 1953 movie SHANE with Alan Ladd, and I wanted to watch Jill Ireland in an on-screen role that does not rely on Charles Bronson. After watching every episode, I can confidently state that SHANE is a solid TV series, and that Jill Ireland does a fine job as the beautiful Marian Starett. And even better, it’s been a lot of fun sharing my thoughts with the readers of The Shattered Lens. Thanks to all who have joined me!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.4 “Bangers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Victor gets a plot.

Episode 2.4 “Bangers”

(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on September 14th, 1996)

Victor del Toro, who often doesn’t get to do much on this show, finally gets a storyline of his very own.  Unfortunately, it involves trying to keep a young man for his old neighborhood from joining a gang.  One thing that you can always count on whenever you watch any sort of cop show from the 90s, if there’s a Latino cop in the cast, he’s going to have to keep someone from joining a gang.  It was one of the biggest cliches on the 90s.

And don’t get me wrong.  Gangs are a reality in America and they are a problem.  At the same time, though, is there a reason why every time a Latino appeared on a show like this, they always seemed to either be in a gang or on the verge of joining a gang?  Not every Latino family is poor, not every young Latino male is struggling with the pressure to join a gang, and for that matter, not every Latino with a tattoo is a member of a street gang.

While Victor dealt with the gangs moving into the neighborhood, Chris and Corey decided to rent an apartment together.  Needless to say, things didn’t go well.  Corey reveals that she is hyperorganized and likes to keep every surface in the apartment clean and spotless.  (I don’t really see what that’s a problem.)  Chris is revealed to be a slob who hangs her clothes around the kitchen and who pours a box of cereal out on the floor because she’s tired of Corey always cleaning.  Isn’t Chris supposed to be a hotshot fighter pilot?  I mean, up until this episode, there was absolutely nothing about her character that would suggest that she was incapable of picking up her clothes.  I would think that, being a member of the Air Force, she would actually have had some sort of discipline drilled into her.  It’s kind of like how soldiers still tend to stand at attention even while visiting their families.  Anyway, this storyline ends with Chris throwing food around the apartment and Corey grabbing a pair of scissors and attacking Chris’s laundry …. wait, what?  I’m sorry, this is psychotic behavior.

Don’t worry, though.  Chris and Corey share a laugh about it and agree to remain friends but not roommates.  Uhm, Chris …. Corey took a pair of scissors to your clothes.  I mean, I don’t like sloppy people either but I generally don’t try to destroy their possessions.

Of course, the main problem with this episode is the same problem that all of the episodes have had.  They’re cops on bikes!  They wear shorts and polo shirts and they spend all of their  time insisting that they’re real cops even though it’s obvious that they aren’t.  Real cops don’t ride bicycles with baskets on the back.

This episode did not leave me with much confidence in California law enforcement.