Retro Television Reviews: The Last Child (dir by John Llewellyn Moxey)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1971’s The Last Child!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Welcome to the “near future.”

Panicked by hysterical claims about overpopulation and environmental catastrophe, Americans have sacrificed the majority of their civil liberties.  Smiling policeman stand on every corner and in every public hallway.  Of course, once their authority is challenged, those smiles quickly disappear.  Crude posters have been put up everywhere, demanding that everyone watch their consumption of natural resources.  The social engineers and the eugenicists are in charge.  Anyone over the age of 65 is ineligible for medical care and encouraged to consider euthanasia.  Couples are allowed to have only one child and the government requires that anyone who gets pregnant a second time have an abortion.  Anyone who questions the policy is told that they have no choice but to follow the law.  It’s their civic duty.  The media, meanwhile, runs headlines declaring that the one child policy has led to world peace.
Alan and Karen Miller (played by Michael Cole and Janet Margolin) have already had their one child.  That their child died shortly after birth doesn’t matter in the eyes of Barstow (Ed Asner), the Himmleresque head of the Population Control Police.  Every couple is allowed one child and that’s it.  When Karen gets pregnant a second time, she is determined to have the baby.  She and Alan know that their only hope is to cross the border into Canada.  Helping them is a retired U.S. Senator (Van Heflin, in his final performance) who is opposed to the government’s policies.  Caught in the middle of Karen’s brother, Howard (Harry Guardino).  Howard works for the Population Control Police and he knows just how far Barstow is willing to go to keep Karen from having her baby.

The Last Child opens with a title card informing us that the film takes place in the “not-too-distant future.”  Along with all of the propaganda posters, that’s the only real sign that this film is meant to be taking place in the future.  There’s no “futuristic” technology.  Everyone dresses in the latest 1971 fashions.  Everyone drives the latest 1971 automobiles.  Though the decision may have been motivated by the film’s low-budget, the lack of the typical sci-fi trappings serves the film well.  The Last Child does not take place in a sleekly designed future and it doesn’t takes place in an apocalyptic wasteland.  Instead, it takes place in a world that is just as shabby as you would expect a world controlled and decorated by a government bureaucracy to be.  It’s a gray dystopia, populated by people who have given up their individuality.  It’s a world that’s visually boring by design and that makes it all the more disturbing.

The Last Child is an effective and well-acted film.  It probably feels more plausible today than it did when it aired back in 1971.  In many ways, with its portrait of unfeeling government officials and bland authoritarianism, it’s the perfect film for the age of COVID.  Indeed, the government’s policy of refusing to provide life-saving care for people over the age of 65 is reminiscent of what many pundits advocated for at the height of the COVID pandemic.  As for the film’s one child policy, that too is a concept that has become recently popular with many American academics.  Among many members of the so-called “elites,” there’s a definite need to try to control people and that very real need is what makes The Last Child so disturbingly plausible.  In The Last Child, sanctuary is found in Canada.  Today, of course, Canada is at the forefront of the euthanasia trend.  Of course, in 1971, the Prime Minister of Canada was Pierre Trudeau and not Justin.

Pierre Trudeau’s personal motto was “Reason before passion” and that’s certainly the philosophy that fuels the dystopian society at the center of The Last Child.  It’s a film that holds up today as both a thriller and a prophecy,

Music Video of the Day: Where Do We Go Now? by Gracie Abrams (2023, dir by Gia Coppola)


For today’s music video of the day, we have a music video directed by Gia Coppola!  Gia is the granddaughter of Francis Ford and the niece of Sofia and Roman.  She also directed one of my favorite films of the past ten years, Palo Alto.

Enjoy!

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 1/8/23 — 1/14/23


This week did not leave much time for television watching.  I had a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday.  I drove my father to and from a doctor’s appointment on Friday.  And I had a lot of movies to watch!

Here’s some notes on the five (yes, only five) television programs that I watched this week!

Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)

“FIGHT!”

What a wonderful episode, this was.  Sometimes, kid just don’t get along and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, FOX)

It’s time for the blind taste test!  The blind taste test is an annual Hell’s Kitchen tradition but it’s hard for me to think of another season where the chefs failed quite as dramatically as they did during this season.  It was a bit odd because, for the most part, the chefs have been pretty strong this season.  Last night proved that anyone can have an off-day.

Brett was sent out of Hell’s Kitchen as the end of this week.  To be honest, I don’t think anyone was surprised, as it was obvious that Brett will be a great head chef once he gets more experience but he wasn’t quite ready just yet.  Still, it was kind of sad to see Brett go.  He was always entertaining and he definitely always seemed like he was doing his best to improve with each dinner service.  Brett also seems like the type who will be back whenever the show does another all-star season.

Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)

For the second week in a row, Samantha Maroun actually got to do something more than just gaze lovingly Price.  This week, she led the prosecution of a rich teenager who was arrested for beating an ex-con to death.  The teenager’s defense was that he had been driven temporarily mad by super-strong marijuana.  (Yes, I can hear everyone rolling their eyes.  Look, I’m just reviewing.  I didn’t write the episode.)  Maroun was determined to get a murder conviction until Price told her that she was taking the case personally and that she needed to set aside her personal feelings and her own guilt about the death of her sister.

To which I have to say, really?  Like, who is Price to tell anyone not to take a case personally?  Price takes every case personally.  Price put a pharmaceutical CEO in prison because Price has never gotten over the death of his junkie brother.  Price may have been correct about Maroun but it still feels a bit hypocritical on his part.  That said, I think the writers may have figured out that having two prosecutors who take everything personally doesn’t always work dramatically.  Ever since the show returned from its holiday break, Price has suddenly been a lot more pragmatic.

There’s a lot of people online who, after last night’s episode, are convinced that Price and Maroun are in love with each other.  They’re probably right.  McCoy’s not in any position to forbid it, either.  (It’s kind of funny how McCoy has gone from being a self-destructive, alcoholic womanizer to being the voice of wisdom.)

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

This week, we finished up watching Night Flight’s 1982 New Year’s Eve special.  Most of it was made up of footage of Grace Jones performing and being interviewed.  It was weird but entertaining.  Apparently, 1983 got off to a very trippy start.

Project Greenlight (YouTube)

On Wednesday night, I watched three episodes of the third season of Project Greenlight.  This is the season that aired on Bravo and which detailed John Gulager’s efforts to direct Feast.  No one had any faith in Gulager but he did a pretty good job with Feast and he’s the only one of the Project Greenlight winners to go on to have a notable career.  The episodes that I watched deal with the casting of the film and it was once again infuriating to watch as the film’s casting director went out of her way to undercut Gulager and cast her best friend in the film.  The third season of Project Greenlight is the one that really makes the viewer hate Hollywood.

Retro Television Reviews: California Dreams 3.8 “The Princess and the Yeti” and 3.9 “Winkle/Wicks World”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week the Dreams go to Colorado and Public Access Television.  To quote Matt Garrison, “Let’s do it!”

Episode 3.8 “The Princess and the Yeti”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on October 29th, 1994)

The Dreams have left California for Colorado!  It’s on temporary, however.  They’ve been hired to play at the ski resort that’s owned by Lorena’s father, Mr. Costas (Abraham Alvarez).  Lorena is looking forward to skiing and showing off her new outfit.  Her father wants her to work the front desk.  “I’m allergic to work,” Lorena says, which leads to everyone saying that Lorena is spoiled.

Which is not true at all!  Listen, Lorena is on vacation.  You don’t work when you’re on vacation.  At no point does Lorena’s father say that he’ll pay for Lorena to work the front desk.  Instead, he just says, “I need you to work the front desk tonight.”  Nah, old man.  It doesn’t work like that.  I, myself, have been called spoiled enough time to know that everyone is being way too hard on Lorena.  Lorena has every right to expect a chance to ski while on a SKI VACATION!

Anyway, Mr. Costas wants to expand his resort but there’s an old man (Sandy Ward) who lives in a cabin and he refuses to move off his property.  If the stubborn old man wasn’t bad enough, there’s also a Yeti running around the forest.  But what if that Yeti is just a man dressed in a costume?  Who would have the motive?  Mr. Costas?  No, he would be costing himself money by doing that.  How about the Old Man?  Other than the Dreams, he’s the only other person in this episode.

After Tony gets scared by the Yeti, he runs into the forest.  The rest of the Dreams follow him and come across the Old Man’s cabin and his yeti costume.  When Mr. Costas finds out, he wants to press charges but the Dreams are like, “He’s just an nice old man!”  Yeah, and you’re a bunch of high school kids from California.  Your opinion really isn’t that important.

The Dreams get mad at Lorena for not telling her father that the Old Man deserves to stay in his cabin.  (Again, I’m not sure how it’s any of their business.)  Miffed, Lorena goes skiing alone and injures her knee.  The Old Man saves her life and Lorena offers to help pay off whatever money the Old Man is costing her father by working the front desk and not taking an allowance for a year.  Mr. Costas agrees and everything works out …. except, of course, Lorena lives in California so how is she going work the front desk of a Colorado resort?

Also, I don’t care how nice the Old Man is.  He still dressed up like a Yeti and did a lot of property damage to Mr. Costas’s business.  Drag his his ass to jail!

This episode mostly serves to remind us that the California Dreams belong in California and on the beach.  It just doesn’t seem right whenever they appear in a different location.  It’s like one of those weird episodes of Saved By The Bell: The New Class where the gang all ended up working at a ranch.  As much of a misfire as this episode was, I did laugh at the scene where Jake had to wear Lorena’s pink snow jacket while searching for Tony.  A few years ago, in the middle of a torrential rain storm, Jeff informed me that he would rather get soaked and risk pneumonia than borrow my hot pink umbrella.  What do men have against the color pink?

Anyway, let’s move on!

Episode 3.9 “Winkle/Wicks World”

(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on November 12th, 1994)

Tony and Sly get a show on public access TV!  What was the deal with people in Peter Engel-produced shows always ending up on Public Access Television?  Anyway, The Goo-Ga-Moo Guys becomes a big hit, despite being just a lame Wayne’s World rip-off.  (To the show’s credit, Jake refers to show as being a “Wayne’s World rip-off.”)  Unfortunately, this means that Tony no longer has time to play drums and Sly no longer has time to manage the band.  Lorena takes over as manager and teaches the band how to be classy so that they can play an upper class gig that is, for some reason, being held at Sharky’s.

Anyway, fame goes to Tony and Sly’s heads.  In the end, though, they decide that friendship is more important than fame.  *Yawn*  This is a plot that was used and reused by so many Peter Engel-produced shows that, at times, it seems as if the entire Englverse was an autopilot.

Hopefully, next week’s episodes will encourage us to seek good vibrations and feel mellow.

Music Video of the Day: Flowers by Miley Cyrus (2023, dir by Jacob Bixenman)


With this video, Miley Cyrus lets the world know that she doesn’t need Liam Hemsworth to have fun.  Or, at least, that seems to be the most popular interpretation online.  Myself, whenever I see a Miley Cyrus video, I remember how, whenever The Soup did a segment on her, the producer would yell, “It’s Miley!”

That was good fun.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: One World 3.13 “Hitting On A Guy”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Fridays, I will be reviewing One World, which ran on NBC from 1998 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

The Cast of One World

On January 6th, 2001, One World aired not only the finale of their third season but also the final episode of the series.  All stories and shows must come to an end and we have reached the end of One World.  For one last time, here’s the One World theme song.

Does anyone else find it weird that the show never bothered to update their opening credits, despite the fact that Brandon Baker hit a major growth spurt and cut his hair after the first season?  Seriously, it just seems incredibly lazy.

Episode 3.13 “Hitting on a Guy”

(Directed by Mary Lou Belli, originally aired on January 6th, 2001)

Dave and Karen have been named the Foster Parents of the Year!  Marci decides to throw a big party for them at …. can you guess where? …. Miami’s “hottest under 21 club,” The Warehouse!  Unfortunately, the kitchen crew refuses to work for the party because they haven’t been paid for the week.  (Why would Marci, who is just the assistant manager, have to deal with payroll?  Where’s The Warehouse’s owner?)  Fortunately, the entire family decides that they’ll do the cooking themselves.  But …. IT’S THEIR PARTY!?  Who cooks at their own party!?  What type of party is this?

Meanwhile, Jane is dating a nice guy named Ralph but he reminds her of her former foster brother, who was also named Ralph and who was abusive.  Because she’s thinking about the Bad Ralph, she beats up the Good Ralph.  Jane comes to terms with her anger and apologizes to the Good Ralph.  Good Ralph says thanks and then runs off.

Having lost Good Ralph, Jane still shows up at the Warehouse party and gives a speech about how thankful she is for the Blakes.  Dave rewards her by giving her a piece of Cake and that’s how the series ends.

And I have to admit that I was a little bit moved by all of the Blake kids giving their testimonials, though I honestly doubt I’ll remember anything about any of them a week from now.  I was also surprised that the show did not end with Karen giving birth.  I imagine that any other TNBC show would have.  In the end, One World ended with a lot of unanswered questions.  Will Ben ever find success as a musician?  Will St.  Neal ever get into college?  Will Sui ever make the Olympic team?  How long until Maci gets fired from her job at the Warehouse?  Will Cray ever come to terms with having a black grandfather?  (Seriously, that whole episode was weird.)  Will Jane ever find a stylist who understands how to make her hair look good?  Sadly, these questions will never be answered.

One World is a show that attempted to bring some edge to the TNBC brand.  Occasionally, it came close to succeeding.  Usually, it was a bit too much like California Dreams with juvenile delinquents instead of a rock band.  One of the huge problems with the show was that the Blakes themselves had very little chemistry.  Watching the actors perform opposite each other, it was hard to believe they even knew each other’s names, let alone lived together.  Alisa Reyes and Michelle Krusiec (who played Marci and Sui) were the strongest performers on the show but they were rarely given enough to do.

Staring next week, I’ll be reviewing something new in this time slot.  Until then, we’re all living in one world!

Music Video of the Day: Dirty Laundry by Lisa Marie Presley (2005, dir by Patrick Hoelk)


RIP, Lisa Marie Presley.  The daughter Elvis and the mother of Riley Keough passed away yesterday at the age of 54.

In this video, she sings about the vultures in the tabloid press that she had to deal with for most of her life.  Dirty Laundry was originally written by Don Henley.  Lisa Marie covered it on her album, Now What?

Lyrics:

I make my living off the Evening News
Just give me somethin’, somethin’ I can use
People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry

Well, I could’ve been an actor but I wound up here
I just have to look good, I don’t have to be clear
Come and whisper in my ear, give us dirty laundry

Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em all around

We got the bubble headed bleach blonde who comes on at five
She can tell you ’bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye
It’s interesting when people die, give us dirty laundry

Can we film the operation? Is the head dead yet?
You know the boys in the newsroom got a running bet
Get the widow on the set! We need dirty laundry

You don’t really need to find out what’s goin’ on
You don’t really want to know just how far it’s gone
Just leave well enough alone, eat your dirty laundry

Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re stiff, kick ’em all around

Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re stiff, kick ’em all around

Dirty little secrets, dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody’s pie
We love to cut you down to size, we love dirty laundry

We can do “The Innuendo,” we can dance and sing
When it’s said and done we haven’t told you a thing
We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry

Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down
Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down

Retro Television Reviews: City Guys 3.13 “Down and Out In Soho” and 3.14 “When Al Met Dawn”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smart and streetwise!

Episode 3.13 “Down and Out in Soho”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 30th, 1999)

So, I guess the reality show is still a thing.  This episode begins with Ms. Nobel telling the Gang that she’s spoken to the show’s producer and she thinks it would be a good idea for them to do a community service project.  I find myself asking this every review but seriously …. how is this any of Ms. Nobel’s business?  Is Ms. Nobel a producer on Reality House now?

Anyway, the community service project involves hanging out with a bunch of Romanian immigrants.  This leads to a lot of scenes featuring the immigrants speaking in broken English and thick accents while the audiences laughs it up.  For a show that was supposedly all about celebrating diversity, City Guys certainly did enjoy poking fun at people with thick accents.

When Dawn comes across Euri, one of the Romanians, sleeping on the streets, she invites him to come live at the loft.  Jamal warns that the guy could be a thief but he’s outvoted by his loftmates.  Euri moves into the Loft and promptly steals a computer.  At first, Dawn is disillusioned and swears she’ll never help another immigrant.  Fortunately, Jamal and Dawn then run into Euri at a coffeehouse and he explains that his name is actually Joey and he’s from New Jersey.  Upon discovering that she was robbed by an American instead of a Romanian, Dawn feels a lot better.

In the B-plot, Cassidy starts a folk act with L-Train and Chris and pretends to be a bad singer so that Chris and L-Train will quit the group.  But if Cassidy wanted to be a solo act, why was she working with L-Train and Chris in the first place?

It was a bit of a confusing episode.  Apparently, everyone is watching the reality show but no one recognizes Chris or Jamal when they’re in public.  And we never actually see a camera crew filming the group.  If the Loft is full of cameras, wouldn’t they have  captured Euri/Joey stealing the computer?

Hopefully, this next episode will make more sense….

Episode 3.14 “When Al Met Dawn”

(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on November 6th, 1999)

“After two months of Reality House,” Cassidy says as the episode begins, “the best part is that you really get to know your roommates.”

“The worst part,” Jamal says, “is you really get to know your roommate.”

Actually, for the past two and a half seasons, the characters on this show have exclusively hung out with each other, to the extent that it almost seems like they’re in a Ms. Nobel-centered cult.  It also seems like they should already know each other.

Speaking of getting to know each other, Dawn and Al are working on a science project together and they end up falling for each other and you know what?  They’re actually a cute couple.  However, Dawn is worried about the pressure of pursuing a relationship while on a reality TV show.  “I mean, look at Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck!” she says, “Their relationship was killed because no one would leave them alone!”  

Wow, Ben and his love life have been pop culture reference points for a while now.

(By the way, Dawn and Al’s science project is a big bulky television mounted on the handlebars of a bicycle.  The idea is that you can watch TV while pedaling but it seems like it would just cause more accidents than anything else.)

Since Dawn and Al are keeping things a secret, L-Train sets Al up on a date with another girl.  When the girl kisses Al, Dawns sees them and freaks out.  At the science fair, Dawn humiliates Al by accusing him of cheating.  Ms. Nobel, who has nothing better to do, tells Dawn that it was actually all her fault for trying to keep things a secret.  (Ms. Nobel isn’t wrong but again, why does Ms. Nobel have to get involved in everything?)  Dawn hijacks that Manny High radio station and asks Al to meet her at their favorite coffeehouse.  Of course, everyone else from the reality show and the school all show up at the coffeehouse so that they can watch Al and Dawn get back together.  It’s kind of cringey but, again, they’re a cute couple.

Meanwhile, Chris and Jamal are in love with the building’s new superintendent.  So, the Loft is actually in a real building as opposed to just being a Big Brother-style set?  I’m starting to think this show is not a realistic look at reality television.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.20 “Memories of You / Computerman / Parlez Vous?”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s Valentine’s Day on The Love Boat!

Episode 1.20 “Memories of You / Computerman / Parlez Vous?”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on February 13th, 1978)

It’s time for the annual Valentine’s Day cruise!  On Valentine’s Day, only singles are allowed to board the Love Boat.  Everyone, even the members of the crew, wears a heart-shaped nametag.  Julie has decided to liven things up by hiring Nick Heider (Frankie Avalon), who claims that his computer can decide who is compatible and who isn’t.  Captain Stubing is hoping that the computer will set him up with someone because apparently, Stubing is tired of being single.  To be honest, that really doesn’t make much sense.  When you’re the captain of the ship, you’re going to get laid on Valentine’s Day.  It doesn’t matter if you’re bald, middle-aged, and take yourself a little bit too seriously.  A captain has power and power is an aphrodisiac.

Nick turns out to be kind of sleazy, with his wide collars and his unbuttoned shirts.  Nick also has a crush on Julie and he wants her to take part in his compatibility survey.  Julie says that she doesn’t believe that computer can decide who is compatible.  If Julie doesn’t believe in Nick and his computer, why did she hire him for the cruise?

As you can probably guess, Nick fills out a survey for Julie anyway.  The computer pairs them together and Julie and Nick actually do fall in love, though I have a feeling we will never again see or hear about Nick after this episode.  Meanwhile, Captain Stubing is told that the computer can’t find any matches for him.  The Captain is pretty depressed until all of the computer-selected couples start fighting.  I would think that people taking a dislike to each other would be a problem on Valentine’s Day cruise but whatever.  The computer fails and Stubing smiles smugly.

While this is going on, Gopher is recruited to act as a translator for two French women (Barbi Benton, Susan Silo) who are on the cruise.  Gopher’s French turns out to be really bad but fear not.  It turns out that the French women are actually Americans and they speak perfect English.  They’re just pretending to be French in order to attract wealthy men.  Jamie Farr and Danny Dayton nearly fall for the scam but then Gopher hears the women speaking English and he exposes them.  Of course, despite ruining their scam, Gopher still gets a (temporary) girlfriend out of it when Brigitte (played by Barbi Benton) turns out to be very forgiving.

Finally, Doc thinks that he’s found his soulmate for the cruise when he spots jingle writer Lilly Mackin (Patty Duke).  However, Lilly can’t stop looking at another passenger named Ted (Ricky Nelson).  Lilly swears that Ted looks just like Alex, her former partner who mysteriously vanished.  Doc suggests that Ted might be suffering from stress-related amnesia.  Fortunately, Ted falls in love with Lilly and, after she kisses him, he starts to slowly remember bits of his past life as Alex.  That’s the power of Valentine’s Day on The Love Boat!

I loved this episode.  I took French in high school and college and I used to be really pretentious about it so I definitely related to Brigitte and Yvonne.  And the amnesia story was just intriguing enough to hold my attention.  Finally, I could help but laugh at how impressed everyone was with Nick and his match-making computer.  There was nothing that Nick said that sounded different from what we currently hear in Match.com and EHarmony commercials.  That said, I agree with Julie.  Romance should be spontaneous and unpredictable, not pre-programmed.

The Valentine’s Day cruise was success!  Will the success continue?  We’ll find out next week!