There are a lot of version of this song out there. Right now, I’m forcing everyone in the office to listen to the Mariah Carey version but, since our readers might be tired of that version, here’s the Vince Vance and the Valiants version!
I really hope we get some snow either this Christmas or in January.
Enjoy!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Tubi.
This week, there’s a monster in the cellar!
Episode 1.11 “Rouse Him Not”
(Dir by Mark Shostrom, originally aired on December 31st, 1988)
Linda McGuire (Laraine Newman) is a painter who, for financial reasons, has moved from New York to a cottage in New England. (As she explains it, she wouldn’t even be able to afford the tiniest hovel in New York for the amount she’s paying for the cottage.) Along with hoping to paint some landscapes, Linda also plans to transform the cellar into her own personal art gallery.
Unfortunately, things are not going quite as well as one might hope. First off, the scenery is not as inspiring as Linda thought it would be. Instead of painting beautiful landscapes, she’s been painting portraits of the cottage, often with a dark figure standing in the doorway.
Secondly, her neighbor, Mr. Ritzen (Terrence Evans), keeps peeking through her windows. Linda thinks that he’s just a perv but Mr. Ritzen actually has another reason for continually checking on her and the cottage.
One day, after Linda chases off Mr. Ritzen, she is visited by a mysterious man named John Thunston (Alex Cord). The eccentric Thunston informs her that her cottage was once the home of a warlock named Crett Marrouby. The warlock was hung by the other townspeople, an event that was witnessed by Mr. Ritzen. Before Crett was executed, he warned everyone to avoid using black magic because they might accidentally summon something evil.
While Thunston is talking to Linda, a guttural roar comes from the cellar. When Thunston and Linda go down to check on what is making all the noise, Thunston discovers that, as a result of Linda’s renovations, a mystic seal has been broken. Thunston speculates that Crett summoned a demon and then used the seal to keep it trapped in the cellar. Now that the seal has been broken, the demon is free to attack and kill. Fortunately, Thunston just happens to have a special sword that he claims can be used to behead and kill the demon. Now, it’s just a matter of waiting for the demon to appear and removing demon’s head before the demon removes Thunston’s.
The odd thing about this episode was how straight-forward it was. I kept waiting for some sort of diabolical twist that would reveal that Linda was actually a witch or that Thunston was actually the warlock but it never came. Instead, everyone in this episode was exactly who they said they were and the monster was pretty much exactly what Thunston thought it would be. Things would have been improved by a sudden twist or two because, despite an effective monster and a enjoyably campy performance from Alex Cord, this episode is pretty boring. The premise promises some Lovecraft-style horror but the anti-climatic conclusion will leave most viewers saying, “Really? That’s it?”
Next week, let’s hope that things will be a bit more interesting when three friends battle a fire-breathing troll!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, special guest star O.D. Warbux brings The Love Boat to life!
Episode 3.21 “The Remake/The Perfect Match/The Captain’s Ne’er Do Well Brother”
(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on February 2nd, 1980)
At the start of this week’s episode, Marshall Stubing boards the ship. As you can guess by his last name, Marshall is Captain Stubing’s brother. He bears a pretty strong resemblance to Merrill, except he’s a little thinner and he has more hair and a pencil-thin smile. He wears suits and has a quick smile and is quick to flirt with every woman the he sees. He’s played by an actor named O.D. Warbux and….
Wait a minute….
That’s not O.D. Warbux! That’s Gavin MacLeod! Yes, in this episode, Gavin MacLeod plays both the serious Captain Stubing and his carefree, free-loading brother. And you know what? MacLeod/Warbux actually does a pretty good job playing the two roles. In the scenes in which the brothers argue, MacLeod really does seem to be sincerely annoyed with himself. Seriously, though, you have to give MacLeod some credit. If he had joked his way through the double role, I doubt anyone would have called him out on it. Instead, MacLeod gives two believable and emotionally nuanced performances.
As for why Marshall is on the boat, he’s looking for a woman to continue to fund his life. Merrill threatens to kick Marshall off the cruise but Marshall reveals that he bought a ticket and he has ever right to be there. As Merrill watches with a disapproving frown, Marshall meets and romances Ruby Gibson (Diane Ladd), who is the millionaire widow of an Oklahoma oilman. Marshall actually does fall in love with Ruby but he fears that he’s not good enough for her. Ruby announces that Marshall is perfect for her and even Merrill says that Marshall is actually a good guy. Marshall leaves the boat with Ruby and I assume they got married a few weeks later. That’s good. Hopefully, Ruby will help to pay for Vicki’s college education (assuming Vicki is actually allowed to leave the boat to attend school).
Marshall Stubing is not the only family member on the boat. Julie’s aunt, Christine (Florence Henderson), is also on the boat. When she meets Neal Rich (James Broderick), he immediately reminds her of her late husband. Neal and Christine fall in love on the boat but will Christine ever stop trying to make Neal behave just like her late husband? Of course, she does. This is The Love Boat! Back when I was reviewing The Brady Bunch Variety Hour, I said some fairly negative things about Florence Henderson as an actress but she’s actually really good in the episode and she has great chemistry with James Broderick so I guess it was really the Brady children who were holding her back on the Variety Hour. This was a sweet story and I have to say that I actually found myself really hoping that Christine and Neal would work things out.
Finally, Holly Christopher (Connie Stevens) boards the ship because she’s spent the last few weeks stalking Howard Samuels (Kent McCord), the man who she has decided will be the father of her child. As Holly explains it to Doc, she doesn’t want to get married. She doesn’t want a family. She just wants a baby. Doc, who has like a dozen ex-wives and whose entire life seems to revolve around searching for one-night stands on the boat, tells her that marriage and traditional courtship are wonderful and that she should consider them. Holly realizes that she agrees with Doc and she decides that she wants an old-fashioned romance after all. This whole storyline felt like it could have come from one of those old 1950s films that would star Troy Donahue and Sandra Dee as teenagers learning the facts of life. Kent McCord was pretty dull as Howard but Connie Stevens brought a lot of energy to the role of Holly. Out of the three couples who left the ship at the end of the cruise, Howard and Holly is the one that’s definitely not going to last.
With this episode, The Love Boat kept it all in the family and, overall, this was a pretty good cruise. Both Gavin MacLeod and O.D. Warbux deserve a lot of credit for giving performances that elevated the entire episode.
Assassin tells the story of Alexa (Nomzamo Mbatha), a soldier whose husband (Mustafa Shakir) was a member of secret government program in which people would allow their minds to be transferred into the bodies of strangers so that those strangers could then be used to assassinate America’s enemies. When Alexa’s husband ends up in a coma as a result of trying to assassinate Adrian (Dominic Purcell), Alexa is forcefully recruited into the program and is sent to complete her husband’s mission.
That may sound like it would make for an intriguing film but Assassin is pretty dull. Neither Nomzamo Mbatha nor Dominic Purcell give particularly interesting performances and the film’s plot and themes were far better explored in Brandon Cronenberg’s Possessor. Watching the film, I found it impossible to have much sympathy for Alexa because she was not only murdering people but she was also ruining the lives of the innocent people who she ended up possessing. The fact that her husband was in a coma didn’t excuse any of that. If anything it made Alexa even less sympathetic. After seeing what being an assassin did to her husband, why would Alexa want any of that?
Towards the end of the film, one of Alexa’s targets realizes that Alexa is possessing someone else’s body. Alexa’s handler announces that she’s going to pull Alexa out of the body and then “get the wet team to take this guy out.” If you have a team that can do it, why are you wasting time with possessing other people’s bodies? Why would you decide to use the most complicated plan available when you could just simply send in a team and or have a drone blow up the guy’s house? It’s almost as if the program is designed to be too complex to work. As I watched the film, I suddenly started to understand why the CIA was never able to take out Castro. Sometimes, people just make things complicated for no reason.
Sadly, Assassin is also the final film of Bruce Willis. Willis plays Valmora, the guy who is in charge of the Assassin program. As was typical of Willis’s final films, he only gets a few minutes of screen time and he spends most of that time either sitting down or standing in a corner. Willis, even though he obviously wasn’t in the best of health when he shot this film, still projects enough natural authority to be believable as Valmora. Even though it’s obvious that he’s repeating lines that were fed to him just a few minutes before shooting, Willis still gives the most (and perhaps only) credible performance in the film.
Assassin is a sad note for Bruce Willis to go out on. Of Willis’s final batch of films, the best were Gasoline Alley, Corrective Measures, and Wire Room. Assassin, however, is just dull and anyone tempted to watch it just because of Willis’s presence would be better served to go rewatch Die Hard, Pulp Fiction, The Sixth Sense, 12 Monkeys, or …. well, really, any other movie that Bruce Willis ever appeared in. Bruce Willis was one of our greatest movie stars and nothing, not even films like Assassin, can change that.
Today is Taylor Swift’s birthday so it seems appropriate to share a video from Time’s Person of the Year. This video features three people who, undoubtedly, are destined to grow up to become Taylor Swift fans.
Enjoy and happy birthday, Taylor!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!
This week, Mitch and Ryan go undercover!
Episode 1.5 “Just A Gigolo”
(Dir by Martin Pasetta, originally aired on October 28th, 1995)
David Hasselhoff is a gigolo!
No, not really. Mitch may be wearing sunglasses and speaking broken French but that’s just because he has gone undercover as a con artist. He’s trying to expose the actual gigolo, a younger man named Grant Styles (Joel Beeson). Grant swindled a good deal of money from Mitch’s friend, Julie (Candy Clark), but, because Julie voluntarily handed over the money and told Grant that he didn’t have to pay her back, no crime was committed.
“To catch a gigolo,” Mitch tells us, “I decided to become a gigolo.” This is followed by a lengthy exercise montage. Finally, after a week of lifting weights and jogging on the beach, Mitch is ready to make his debut at the local country club. Accompanying him is Ryan (Angie Harmon), who is pretending to be a wealthy divorcee. (Mitch’s aunt agrees to allow Ryan to use her mansion.) Grant immediately starts hitting on Ryan and Mitch can only watch as Ryan flirts back. Mitch actually starts to feel jealous and Ryan, for her part, starts to feel jealous whenever she sees Mitch flirting with the older women at the club. Could Mitch and Ryan be falling in love?
Actually, Mitch and Ryan do kind of make a cute couple. I mean, seriously, they just look like they belong together. From the first episode of this series, David Hasselhoff and Angie Harmon have had a playful chemistry and their personalities definitely compliment each other. These two definitely need to get together.
For now, though, the important thing is exposing Grant and his “manager,” Margo Curtis (future reality star Lisa Vanderpump). Though Mitch can’t stand the idea of Grant spending time with Ryan, he still has to do things like stand perfectly still while Grant beats him up because fighting back would apparently blow his cover. (To be honest, I think the only reason the fight scene was included was so Hasselhoff could look directly at the camera and do a “Why me?” shrug.) After Grant beats up Julie, Mitch and Ryan realize that Grant is far more dangerous than the average gigolo. After Grant, while flying a paraglider, tries to shoot Mitch on the beach, Mitch and Ryan trick him into breaking into Ryan’s mansion so that he can be captured and sent away.
While all of this is going on, Garner (Gregory Alan Williams) and Destiny (Lisa Stahl) worked together to catch a notorious bail jumped named Bobby Bahama (Jeff Dashnaw). Most bail jumpers would probably try to leave the state but Bobby jumps bail and then decides to just keep hanging out at the beach and his favorite club. Destiny meets Bobby at the club, invites him to her hotel room, and then handcuffs him to the bed.
“Kinky,” Bobby says.
No, Bobby, the term is “captured.”
I enjoyed this episode, not so much for the basic plot but for the chemistry between Angie Harmon and David Hasselhoff. Like I said earlier, they’re an appealing couple and they have a fun chemistry whenever they’re acting opposite each other. Any show that features David Hasselhoff pretending to be a gigolo is going to have a bizarre appeal to it but Mitch’s relationship with Ryan was strong enough that not even a rather silly storyline could sabotage it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.
This week’s journey to Fantasy Island is oddly unpleasant.
Episode 4.4 “Don Quixote/The Sex Goddess”
(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on November 15th, 1980)
As always, this episode opens with “the plane, the plane” landing at Fantasy Island and Mr. Roarke and Tattoo heading out to meet their guests. Unfortunately, as has been the case since the since the third season, Mr. Roarke and Tattoo no longer share any sort of playful banter before meeting the guests. In fact, Roarke often seems to refuse to even look at Tattoo while speaking to him. It’s awkward to watch because the dislike between Ricardo Montalban and Heve Villechaize is obvious whenever they share a scene. It’s something that is easy to joke about while talking about the show but it’s far more unpleasant to actually witness.
Of course, this entire episode is rather unpleasant, which is a shame because Fantasy Island‘s greatest strength as a show was that watching it was usually a pleasant and undemanding way to spend an hour.
Take, for instance, the fantasy of Helen Hendrix (Phyllis Davis). Helen’s fantasy is to become a “sex goddess.” Tattoo expresses disbelief that the pretty but far from glamorous Helen could ever be a sex goddess but Roarke reminds Tattoo that, on Fantasy Island, all things are possible. Roarke then says that Helen doesn’t realize that her fantasy could be a “a very dangerous fantasy.”
Well, Mr. Roarke, if it’s so dangerous, why did you agree to allow her to come to the Island? In the past, Mr. Roarke has mentioned turning down many requests for fantasies. He is apparently the final judge on whether or not someone will get their fantasy. (Even when Tattoo granted a fantasy to someone who Roarke previously turned down, it was suggested that it was all a part of Roarke’s master plan.) If the fantasy is so dangerous, why give it to Helen? What is Mr. Roarke’s legal liability if someone gets killed while experiencing their fantasy?
Anyway, Mr. Roarke gives Helen a blue potion and when she drinks it, she becomes a blonde, starts wearing makeup, and gets a dress that’s far more flattering and low-cut than the borderline Amish outfit she was wearing when she first arrived at the Island. She is now an internationally famous sex goddess, which unfortunately leads to her being kidnapped by three men (Michael Callan, Edd Byrnes, and Don Stroud) and held hostage on a neighboring island. Eventually, Helen realizes that she’s going to have flirt her way out of captivity, which leads to a smitten Don Stroud helping her to escape. Or, at least, he does until the potion wears off and Helen goes back being a brunette. Stroud is shocked but, before he can strangle her, Roarke shows up and whisks Helen back to the Island.
Seriously, what a thoroughly unpleasant fantasy. Helen comes to the island because she wants to know what it’s like to be famous and sexy and Roarke essentially allows her to be kidnapped by three men who apparently are planning on trafficking her. Indeed, Roarke seems to suggest that this is Helen’s fault for wanting to be attractive in the first place. Personally, I think Helen should sue Fantasy Island for all its worth.
As for the other fantasy, Paul Williams plays an eccentric Texas banker named Donald Quick. His fantasy is to be Don Quixote. (That’s a weird fantasy but whatever.) Soon, Donald and his lawyer (David Doyle) are riding their donkeys across Fantasy Island while dressed up like conquistadors. Donald saves a woman from a motorcycle gang and you have to wonder just what exactly a motorcycle gang is doing on Fantasy Island. He saves another woman (Mary Louis Weller) from her louse of a boyfriend (Robert F. Lyons) and then he jousts with a Cadillac. It’s silly but at least Donald finds love and David Doyle gets a few funny lines over how much he wants to sue Fantasy Island.
Honestly, this episode could have been saved if the two fantasies had intersected. If Donald and his lawyer had turned up to battle the kidnappers and save Helen, this actually would have been an okay episode and the lawyer could have helped Helen file a lawsuit against Roarke. But instead, the fantasies stay separate and the whole thing just feels icky. Seriously, Mr. Roarke was not on top of his game of this week. It might be time to give Tattoo more responsibility.
In Netflix’s Rustin, Colman Domingo plays Bayard Rustin.
A Quaker, a pacifist, a leader of the civil rights movement, and a former communist, Bayard Rustin was an early advisor to Martin Luther King, Jr. Rustin commitment to non-violent protest was a huge influence on King’s own activism and Rustin helped King to organize the Southern Christian Leadership Council. Rustin was one of King’s closest advisors but he was distrusted by other leaders of the movement because of both his independent nature and the fact that he was a gay man at a time when homophobia was the law of the land. In fact, Rustin opens with Rustin’s rivals, the NAACP’s Roy Wilkins (Chris Rock) and U.S. Rep. Adam Clayton Powell, Jr. (Jeffrey Wright), letting King know that it would be in his best interest not to be associated with someone like Bayard Rustin. Rustin, thinking that King will stand with him, offers to resign from the SCLC and is stunned when King (Aml Ameen) accepts his resignation.
After spending three years in relative obscurity and watching as younger civil rights activists start to reject the non-violence that is at the core of his philosophy, Rustin comes up with the idea that will become the 1963 March on Washington. Putting aside his hurt feelings, Rustin works with King and several other civil rights leaders to organize the March and, at the same time, he once again finds himself being attacked for being both gay and a former member of the Communist Party. Even while organizing the march, Rustin pursues a doomed relationship with a deeply closeted clergyman (Johnny Ramey).
It’s an important story but the film itself is sabotaged by both its script and its direction. The script, which was co-written by Dustin Lance Black, is heavy on exposition and monologues but there’s few moments in which the characters really get to come alive. Meanwhile, George C. Wolfe’s direction is stagey and stodgy. Visually, the film has the aesthetic of a well-produced made-for-TV movie. For all the time that is spent on the planning of the March of Washington, the event itself is recreated in a rushed and rather flat matter. One could argue that the filmmakers felt that the real event is so iconic that there would no way to really do it justice and perhaps the filmmakers were correct in that. Still, one can’t help but feel that Wolfe should have at least tried to capture some of the event’s electricity. The film, to its credit, captures the hard work that went on behind-the-scenes of the civil rights movement but there are very few moments that feel spontaneous or as if they have a spark of life actually being lived in front of the camera.
Fortunately, the film is blessed to feature Colman Domingo in the title role. Playing a larger-than-life figure, Domingo gives a performance that is big, charismatic, flamboyant, and sensitive. As played by Domingo, Rustin is a collection of seemingly conflicting traits. At times, he’s confident to the point of being arrogant but, when he finds himself shunned by the other leaders of the civil rights movement, he reveals the insecurity hiding underneath the surface. Rustin is hyperactive yet focused, angry yet forgiving, and self-absorbed yet compassionate. One of the film’s best moments comes when Rustin responds to an innuendo-filled attack on him by throwing himself into planning every detail of the March. Rustin is surrounded by people telling him that, as a black man and a gay man, he will always be a second-class citizen and an outsider. Rustin refuses to accept that and Domingo captures the intelligence, wit, and determination that allowed Rustin to continue to fight, against amazing odds, for equality.
The film doesn’t tell us much about Rustin’s life after the March on Washington. In later years, Rustin, while remaining a socialist, became a strong anti-Communist and was also an outspoken supporter of Israel. Today’s Left would probably not have much use for the moderate Bayard Rustin and, with his commitment to non-violence, it’s doubtful that Rustin would have much use for many of them. Despite his prominence in the Civil Rights movement and the importance of his work, Rustin is still not as well-known as he should be. Perhaps this movie, despite its flaws, will change that.
Wandering around a city at night while singing is probably not the safest thing you can do but I applaud Fletcher for taking the rest and being smart enough to bring a film crew with her.
Enjoy!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!
This week, Jon and, to a lesser extent, Ponch continue to keep the highways safe.
Episode 1.5 “Career Day”
(Dir by Ric Rondell, originally aired on October 20th, 1977)
It’s another crazy week on the California highways. A husband-and-wife team of burglars are driving around in their van and breaking into mansions. Frat boys are stealing hearses and hiding in coffins. A photographer and his models hold up traffic by doing a swimsuit shoot under an overpass. A little child gets lost while walking along the Los Angeles river.
It’s a lot to deal with and somehow, it all falls on Jon and Ponch. This is one of those episodes that leaves you to wonder where all the other members of the highway patrol are. At one point, Sgt. Getraer comments that the highway patrol has 100 motorcycles and that 90 of them are being used. Despite that, it seems like every crime and accident seems to happen just a mile or two away from wherever Jon and Ponch happen to be. Occasionally, Bear (played by Brodie Greer) shows up in his police car but he always seems to wait until Ponch and Jon have already caught the bad guys.
This episode, Ponch once again damages his motorcycle by not parking it correctly. (The motorcycle falls over and a bunch of a teenagers point and laugh. Take that, Ponch!) Getraer puts Ponch on desk duty but then a helicopter cop says that he needs someone to fly with him. Ponch gets to go up in a police helicopter and help search for the missing child. Baker, who is perfect and therefore, still has his motorcycle, is the one who actually retrieves the child and takes him home but Ponch gets to ride in a helicopter. Seriously, I’ve been in a helicopter a few times and, once you get used to all the shaking and get over your fear of heights, it’s pretty fun. I guess it’s a good thing, for Ponch, that he is such an incompetent highway patrolman that he can’t even park his own bike.
This episode could best be described as a “week-in-the-life” episode as it follows Ponch and Jon as they deal with all the weird things that happen on the Los Angeles highway. The burglars bookmarked the episode, showing up at the start and then again at the end, so that they could be chased down by Ponch and Jon. That said, the closest thing that this episode had to a real storyline was the result of Ponch pulling over his old high school principal (played by the very familiar character actor, Richard Deacon) and being asked to speak at his school’s career day. The principal seems to believe that if Ponch can actually stay out of jail and become an authority figure, there’s a chance for everyone! Of course, when it’s time to give his speech, Ponch freezes up and Jon has to act like his hype man. Eventually, Ponch finds the courage to speak and turns out to be such a blowhard that the entire student body gets bored. Indeed, as Ponch brags on himself, the line between character and actor becomes rather blurred. Erik Estrada is not the world’s most subtle actor but he’s entertaining in the right role.
As with all of the previous episodes, the real star here was the California scenery. The mountains and the blue skies were inviting, no matter how dangerous the highways might have been.
Through the Shattered Lens 