Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

It’s time for another trip to the beach!

Episode 1.3 “No Man’s Land”

(Dir by Michael Levine and John Bush, originally aired on March 16th, 1996)

Uh-oh!  There’s Nazis on the beach.

We know that Carl (Ryan Alosio) is a Nazi because he owns a bar that is decorated, on the outside, with a swastika.  Then, on the inside, there are many more swastikas and a German flag and a picture of Adolf Hitler hanging on the wall.  My question is who sold the bar to Carl and how exactly is he not violating any zoning laws?  Throughout the show, we’re constantly told that Carl can do whatever he wants on his property but don’t most towns have rules about what you can and cannot display in a business district?  We’re told that Carl has a criminal record and his arms are covered in Nazi tattoos so, once again, I have to wonder who sold him the bar.  There are a lot regulations and paperwork involved in opening up your own small business.  That’s especially true if your business is going to be selling alcohol.  I guess my point is that I just have a hard time believing that Carl’s Nazi bar would be allowed to stay open on the boardwalk.

Bizarrely, ordinary non-Nazis keep entering Carl’s Nazi bar.  Wouldn’t the swastika turn most people away?  I’m just saying that personally, I would not go in a building that was decorated with a swastika.  Anytime anyone who  is not a Nazi goes in Carl’s bar, Carl beats them up.  You really have to wonder how Carl is managing to stay in business.  I mean, let’s just accept that there’s enough Nazis in Santa Monica for Carl to have a steady customer base.  Carl is still asking those people to step into a building that is decorated with a swastika and basically announce their opinions to the world.  I would think at least some of the Santa Monica Nazis would be like, “No, I’d rather keep it a secret and go drink at a politically neutral bar.”  I mean, this isn’t some isolated club, like the place in Green Room.  This bar is sitting right in the middle of the boardwalk, where hundreds of people walk by each day.  Apparently, Santa Monica Nazis have no fear of being outed.

Like all Nazis, Carl is a jerk.  He beats up a vendor for selling churros in front of his bar.  He also harasses all of the non-white surfers.  You would think that this episode’s hero would be Officer Del Toro but instead, it falls to the very white T.C. Callaway to stand up to Carl and eventually drag him off to jail.  Callaway explains that he hates bullies.  That’s fine but it’s still more emotionally satisfying to watch a bully get beaten up by the bullied as opposed to by a concerned bystander.

We also get B-plot about a young graffiti artist named Melo (Christopher Babers) and Cory’s attempt to get Melo to see the error of his ways and instead use his artistic talent for something good.  And Mayor Mickey Dolenz spends the episode panicking because there’s an election to coming up to determine whether or not to allow on the nudity on the beach.  It’s pretty dumb but it’s hard not to smile at Mickey Dolenz playing himself.

The main problem with this episode and the show as a while is that the cops look silly riding around on their bikes.  When Cory and Victor head down a flight of stairs to catch Melo tagging a tunnel, they have to pick up and carry their bikes with them and it was hard not to laugh.  Whenever someone says, “This is Bike 1 responding,” to a crime call, I just imagine a dispatcher grimacing and thinking, I was hoping for a real cop.  Watching CHiPs and then this episode made me appreciate how much better motorcycles are than bicycles.