Tag Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Retro Television Review: Decoy 1.12 “Queen of Diamonds”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Decoy, which aired in Syndication in 1957 and 1958.  The show can be viewed on Tubi!

Casey goes undercover at nightclub.

Episode 1.12 “Queen of Diamonds”

(Dir by Teddy Sills, originally aired on December 30th, 1957)

Casey is working undercover, pretending to be a photographer named Judy.  She’s been working at a run-down nightclub for two months, trying to find evidence that the club’s owner, Frank (James Mitchell), was responsible for a payroll theft.  Frank has an alibi but Casey is able to get her man when she convinces Frank’s second-in-command, Chi Chi (Al Lewis), to turn on him.  Chi Chi is in love with Frank’s girlfriend, Georgia (Kay Medford).

This was not a bad episode.  Casey got to wear a pretty dress and Beverly Garland got to show off her acting skills as she flirted with Frank and worked to turn Chi Chi against him.  Interestingly enough, this episode ended on something of a melancholy note.  Casey managed to send Frank to jail and Chi Chi and Georgia left for France together but the night club closed and blind pianist Alex (Richard Ward), the only truly decent person in this episode, ended up out of a job.  In the end, Casey looked almost as if she was about to cry.  It’s not easy, working undercover.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 2.5 “California Freeze Out”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

Victory’s yours …. for that taking….

Ugh, let’s do this.

Episode 2.5 “California Freeze Out”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 22nd, 1986)

Training camp continues!

Oh, Good Lord, does it continue.

And look, I get it.  This was a low-budget show that relied on stock footage for the majority of its game footage.  There was probably only so much footage available.  Not every episode could feature a game.  And training camp is an important part of football and I’m sure that, back in 1986, HBO was proud of that set they built for the ugly bar where all the players hang out.  It’s not a bad set.  You look at it and you can literally smell the rancid combination of sweat and urine that seems to follow most male athletes.

But seriously …. I’M TIRED OF TRAINING CAMP!  Its time to move on!

As for this episode …. hey, Waldren is already back from rehab and he’s clean!  That was quick.  However, shady quarterback Johnny Valentine continues to hang out with drug dealers and Waldren gives into temptation.  He ends up at a raucous drug party that’s busted by the cops.  Waldren jumps out of a window.  His date is accidentally shot.  You might think that Johnny Valentine would be in trouble considering how anti-drug the league has become but it turns out that Johnny is a star and busting him would effect ad revenue.  So, Johnny gets off scot-free.

Meanwhile, O.J. Simpson — whoops, sorry, I meant to say T.D. Parker, don’t hurt me, Vengeful Spirit of O.J. — recruits a young player named Rick Lambert (Marcus Allen) to be the team’s new running back.  Marcus Allen gave such a stiff performance that I immediately realized that he had to have been an actual player and it turns out that I was right.  You can always tell the actual players because they’re the ones who can never summon up any emotion when they stumble through their lines.  O.J. was the epitome of a player who became a bad actor but he came across as being …. well, not quite Olivier but maybe David Niven, while acting opposite Marcus Allen.  Maybe that’s why Allen was added to the cast, to make O.J. look good.

Anyway, here’s hoping that O.J. and the rest of the Bulls slash their way out of training camp soon!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.26 “The Professor Has Class/When The Magic Disappears/We, The Jury”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat promises something for everyone!

Episode 6.26 “The Professor Has Class/When The Magic Disappears/We, The Jury”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on April 2nd, 1983)

I sent a message to my friend Jason, letting him know about this week’s episode of The Love Boat.

“This week’s episode featured a Van Patten and a Van Dyke!” I wrote.

He wrote back, “Two Dicks?”

“No, one Dick and a Barry.”

Dick Van Patten plays The Great Stellini.  He’s upset that his daughter (Mary-Margaret Humes) wants to marry Joey Gardiner (Barry Van Dyke), a novice magician.  The Great Stellini thinks that Joey wants to steal all of his tricks.  His daughter teaches Stellini a lesson by actually disappearing during their stage show.  Stellini is humiliated but he learns an important lesson about letting go and also supporting younger magicians.

Meanwhile, Anne Meara played Jerry Stiller’s former landlady.  Anne was using Jerry for damaging her property.  Gopher decided that a jury made up of the crew should decide the case.  Huh?  Why?  That makes no sense.  But you know what?  Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller were so cute together that it didn’t really matter.

Finally, a 91 year-old professor (Sam Jaffe) was upset to discover that one of his former students (Bettye Ackerman) was going to replace him.  Luckily, everyone fell in love.  Sam Jaffe was one of the great character actors and it was kind of nice to see him on this show, acting opposite his wife, Bettye Ackerman.  This was Jaffe’s final performance and he had a twinkle in his eye.  He seemed to be having fun.

This was a pleasant cruise!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 3.6 “Sandman”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bicyclists continue to get in everyone’s way.

Episode 3.6 “Sandman”

(Dir by Terrence H. Winkless, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1997)

A hitman named Robert “Sandman” Enright (John Michael Bolger) has been released from prison.  Because Enright was previously arrested by TC, TC decides to start harassing him as soon as he gets out of jail.  For a bunch of dorks on bikes, the Pacific Blue folks sure do enjoy abusing their power.

Anyway, Sandman is out for revenge against the three men who framed him.  And, since TC is tailing him everywhere, Sandman is able to manipulate TC into basically becoming his bodyguard.  The main theme of this episode is that TC is an idiot.

Speaking of idiots, Cory’s boyfriend, FBI Agent Tim Stone (David Lee Smith), confessed that he was thinking of getting back together with his ex.  With Chris’s support, Cory fought for her man.  Myself, I just struggled with the fact that Stone, TC, Palermo — and their actors, Smith, Jim Davidson, and Rick Rossovich — all basically looked like the same guy at different stages of his life.

Finally, Palermo, TC, and Victor played volleyball!  That was at the end of the episode and it went on for a while.  The whole scene felt like the show’s way of saying, “Hey, remember when Rick Rossovich was in Top Gun?  That was cool.”

As usual, this episode featured a lot of tough talk and intense looks, all of which were negated by the presence of grown-ups on bicycles.  Even when TC was spying on the Sandman, he did while sitting on his bicycle.  It just looked dumb.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.18 “Mermaid and the Matchmaker/The Obsolete Man”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  The show is once again on Tubi!

This week, an acquaintance returns to the Island.

Episode 7.18 “Mermaid and the Matchmaker/The Obsolete Man”

(Dir by Philip Leacock, originally aired on March 24th, 1984)

Nyah (Michelle Phillips) is back!

Okay, maybe you don’t remember Nyah.  This  is Nyah’s first appearance since the fourth season.  In between the last time that Michelle Phillips played Nyah and her resurfacing in this episode, Phillips played five other characters on Fantasy Island.

So, to refresh your memory, Nyah is a mermaid.  During seasons three and four, she tried to tempt men to their death in the ocean and she was presented as being a friendly enemy of Mr. Roarke’s.  In this episode, however, Nyah is a bit nicer.  She’s not malicious as much as she’s just immature.  Roarke, for his part, treats her like a wayward teenager.  Nyah has a fantasy, of course.  She’s tired of being immortal and she wants Roarke to make her a mortal.  Roarke says that he can’t do that.  “You’re the only man who understands immortality!” Nyah says.

Nyah wants to die but instead, Roarke plays matchmaker and arranges for her to meet Duke McCall (Dennis Cole), a sailor who believes in mermaids.  He doesn’t have any issue with Nyah being a mermaid but Nyah, having fallen in love with him, fears that Duke will drown if he tries to pursue her.  Fortunately, for everyone involved, Duke turns into a merman.  Don’t ask me how these things work.  I’m just glad that Roarke didn’t have to kill anyone.

Meanwhile, banker Mitchell Robinson (Bert Convy) fears that he’s going to be replaced by a computer.  Charlene Hunt (Gloria Loring) claims that her computer is just as good at checking loan applications as any human.  She stages a competition between the computer and Mitchell.  Mitchell tries to explain to the computer that it’s important to judge people not just on their credit rating but also their body language.  This somehow causes the computer to explode and Mitchell keeps his job.

“Yay!” viewers in 1984 cheered, “computers will never replace us!”  HA!  Joke’s on you, Mitchell Robinson!

Seriously, you don’t have to tell me about the dangers of a fully automated world.  A.I. is fun for making silly images but it’s going to ultimately lead to a lot of people believing a lot of false things.  But Mitchell was so smug about beating the computer that I’m kind of glad that he still probably lost his job a few years later.  You can’t stop the march of technology, Mitchell!

As for this trip to the Island, the computer storyline didn’t really go anywhere but I did enjoy Michelle Phillip’s return as Nyah.  She and Ricardo Montalban had an enjoyable chemistry and it was fun to watch them bicker.  This week’s episode was uneven but, thanks to Michelle Phillips, it was still more enjoyable the most of what we’ve seen for the seventh season.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 4.21 “A Special Operation”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, the fourth season comes to an end.

Episode 4.21 “A Special Operation”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson., originally aired on May 17th, 1981)

Season 4 comes to an odd end with A Special Operation.

Getraer is injured when he crashes his motorcycle.  He takes a piece of metal to the face and he nearly loses his eyesight.  Luckily, the abrasive but brilliant Dr. Patterson (James Sloyan) is able to save both Getraer’s eye and his ability to see with it.  However, the idealistic young Dr. Rhodes (A Martinez) worries that Patterson may have missed something.  Can Patterson set aside his ego long enough to listen to his younger colleague?

Hey, wait a minute, isn’t this CHiPs?

I don’t have any way to prove this but there’s a part of me that strongly suspects the season finale of CHiPs was also a backdoor pilot for a medical show.  So much time is spent with Patterson, Rhodes, and the nurses at the local hospital that it just feels like there was some hope that viewers would call in and demand to see more of Dr. Rhodes.  A Martinez even gives a very Erik Estrada-style performance in the role of Rhodes.

Speaking of Estrada, he’s barely in this episode.  (Ponch, we’re told, is preparing for to testify in a big court case.)  It largely falls to Jon Baker to stop the assassin (Eugene Butler) who has been hired to try to take Getraer out of commission.  This, of course, leads to the assassin stealing an ambulance and Baker chasing him.  The ambulance flips over in slow motion but somehow, the assassin survives to that Baker can arrest him.

It was a strange end for a season that’s largely been dominated by Erik Estrada and his performance as Ponch.  (Larry Wilcox, I will say, looked happy to have the finale to himself.)  For the most part, Season 4 was an uneven season.  The writing so favored Estrada over Wilcox that the show sometimes felt like it was turning into a parody of itself.  The show that started out about two partners on motorcycles became a show about how Ponch could literally walk on water and do no wrong.

Next week, we start season 5!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.6 “Line of Fire”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Crockett and Tubbs are assigned to protect a witness.

Episode 5.6 “Line Of Fire”

(Dir by Richard Compton, originally aired on December 16th, 1988)

Carlos Cantero (Aharon Ipalé) is on trial for murdering Ian Sims, one of Crockett’s confidential informants.  Crockett is the number one witness against him, which is a problem because Crockett just spent the last few months under the impression that he was Sonny Burnett, one of Miami’s biggest drug dealers.  Cantero’s defense attorney dismantles Crockett’s testimony by pointing out that Crockett had a “psychotic breakdown.”

(And you know what?  The attorney is actually very correct about that.  Crockett acts shocked when his mental health history is brought up but why wouldn’t it be?)

Luckily, there is an eyewitness to the murder of Ian Sims.  The FBI asks Crockett and Tubbs to keep an eye on Keith (Justin Lazard), a heavy metal fan who is willing to testify against Cantero.

I have to admit that I nearly gave up on this episode because my first impression of Keith was that he was the most annoying character to ever appear on a television show.  However, I’m glad that I didn’t because this episode actually introduced a very clever twist.  Keith is not actually Keith.  Instead, he’s DEA agent Joey Hardin, who has been assigned to pretend to be Keith to keep Cantero from going after the real Keith.  It turns out that FBI Agent Bates (Kevyn Major Howard, the “Do you believe in Jesus?” guy from Death Wish II) is crooked and he’s giving information to Cantero.

Unfortunately, Crockett doesn’t find out the truth until Joey has already been shot multiple times by Bates.  (Tubbs and Crockett proceed to gun down Bates.)  Joey nearly dies while the prosecutor chortles about how all of this is actually going to help him get a conviction.  It turns out that the prosecutor doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  The real Keith is now too terrified to testify against Cantero, leading to Cantero going free.  Joey does recover from being shot but, at the end of this episode, it’s hard not to feel that it was all for nothing.

This is one cynical episode!  But that’s okay.  Miami Vice was always at its best when it was being cynical and this episode is a throwback to old school Vice, back when the emphasis was on how no one could trust anyone and the government was often its own worst enemy.  Miami Vice was definitely a left-wing show but occasionally, it did reveal a libertarian streak.  That was certainly the case with this episode, in which the war on drugs is portrayed as being unwinnable because the government is naturally incompetent.  Young idealists like Joey Hardin are sent off to battle and are ultimately abandoned once they’re no longer needed.

This was a good episode.  I’m still having a hard time buying that Crockett could just go back to being a cop after being Miami’s top drug lord but whatever.  It’s the final season.  I’ll suspend my disbelief a little.

Lisa’s Retro Television Reviews Will Return On November 17th

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I will be taking a small break from my Retro Television Reviews so that I can celebrate my birthday this weekend and enjoy a little mini-vacation.  This feature will return on Monday, November 17th, with reviews of Miami Vice and CHiPs!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.21 “A Dolphin Song For Lee: Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Mark finally gets the stuff.

Episode 4.21 “A Dolphin Song For Lee: Part One”

(Dir by Michael Landon, March 9th, 1988)

After he complains for the hundredth time about not having “the stuff,” Mark finally gets the boss’s attention in this episode.  Suddenly, Mark is the one who doesn’t need to eat, who knows where to go for the assignment, and who instinctively realizes that the young woman they’ve been assigned to help — Lee (Bess Meyer) — desperately needs a bone marrow transplant.  Meanwhile, Jonathan becomes human yet again.

That’s not a bad idea for a story, though it’s hard not to notice that this is the second time that Jonathan’s gone from being an angel to being mortal during season four.  One would think that either Jonathan or Mark would have noted this fact but neither one does.  Maintaining continuity has not been season four’s strong point.

As for the story itself, it’s pretty simple but then again, it’s only Part 1 of a two-parter.  Lee refuses to get the bone marrow transplant because she fears her parents won’t be able to afford it.  Using “the stuff,” Mark essentially commands a local news producer to do a story on Lee and her need for a transplant.  In a scene that feels like a fantasy today, we see people apparently all across the country watching the news story on Lee.  One guy in a bar yells at everyone to be quiet so he can hear the story.  It feels incredibly dated and almost too earnest for its own good, if just because it’s hard to imagine people actually sitting around the TV and watching a network newscast nowadays.  (It’s also hard not to wonder if Mark essentially zapping the producer and taking over his mind is a good example of what the Boss wants done with the stuff.  That’s not something that Jonathan has ever done, even though it would have made things a lot simpler.)

People across the country donate money so that Lee can get her operation.  Lee’s cancer goes into remission but the “To Be Continued” announcement at the end of the episode feels a bit ominous.  If Lee’s going to be okay, why does the story need to be coninuted?

We’ll find out next week!

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 2.4 “Quarterbacks Tell No Tales”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, a player’s reputation is on the line.  Can he clear his name, even though all the evidence is stacked up against him?

Episode 2.4 “Quarterbacks Tell No Tales”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on September 15th, 1986)

T.D. Parker (played by O.J. Simpson) is pissed off!  The normally affable former player is angry that someone is dealing cocaine to the Bulls.  The press and the commissioner both assume that the dealer is rookie quartebrack Tim Yinessa.  (That guy that Yinessa caught searching his room last week?  He was a reporter.)  T.D. isn’t so sure.  He thinks that start quarterback Johnny Valentine (Sam Jones) is responsible for the team’s cocaine problem.  T.D. eventually confronts Johnny and tells him to stop with the drugs.

“25% of this league retires injured,” Johnny says, “You’re proof of that.”

T.D. gets so angry that he proceeds to stab Johnny to death punch Johnny in the chest.  “Welcome to the 25%,” he says.

No, T.D.  Johnny said “retired” players.  Johnny’s not retiring yet.  Anyway, Johnny was so coked up that he probably didn’t even feel the punch.

As for Yinessa, he nearly gets kicked off the team when the real dealer plants some cocaine in his locker.  Luckily, his roommate — Jamie Waldren (Jeff Kaake) — steps forward and confesses that he was the owner of the cocaine that the reporter found in the room.  Diana orders Jamie to go to rehab.  “Sure, I guess,” Jamie replies.

While that’s going on, Dr. Death and Mad Dog Smears continued to harass the rookies by ordering one of them to fake a suicide attempt as a part of a practical joke.  At the bar where they hang out, they also sang a song against urine testing.  I’m not really sure why anyone would want to hang out at the bar, as it seems like the whole place only exists so that Dr. Death and Mad Dog can put on painfully unfunny stage shows.  Dr. Death and Mad Dog also told Yinessa that they would kill him if he agreed to random urine testing in order to prove his innocence.  Personally, I think Dr. Death and Mad Dog should focus on their jobs.  Maybe if they did a better job protecting the other players, T.D. wouldn’t have had to retire.  I mean, you can tell it’s really cutting T.D. apart that he can’t play anymore.

So, Jamie is off to rehap, Yinessa is still on the team, and T.D. didn’t have to kill anyone.  All in all, it was a productive week.  To be honest, it’s difficult to judge this show based on traditional standards of good and bad.  Technically, every episode is bad.  This week, however, was slightly less bad than usual.