Tag Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.16 “My Wife As A Dog”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, it’s all about a man and his dog.

Episode 3.16 “My Wife As A Dog”

(Dir by Armando Mastroianni, originally aired on February 19th, 1990)

I knew I was going to dislike this episode as soon as I saw the title.

While Johnny and Micki spend their time trying to get the store up to code so that it can pass a fire inspection (and good luck doing that when there’s a literal portal to Hell located in the basement), Jack searches for a cursed leash.  Jack has no idea what the leash does.  He just knows that it’s cursed.  However, the leash’s owner — fireman Aubry Ross (Denis Forest, making his fourth appearance on the show) — has figured out that, by using the leash to strangle people, he can transport the mind of his dying dog into the body of his estranged (but not dying) wife.

Or something like that.  To be honest, I had a hard time following the particulars of this curse.  Fortunately, so did Jack.  This is the first episode that I can think of where Jack admits that he has no idea how a cursed objects works.  Even when he retrieves the leash at the end of the episode, he admits that he’s still not sure what Aubry actually did with it.  Jack being confused made me feel a little bit less dumb so I was happy with that.  The episode ends with Aubry in jail, being visited his panting wife.  She brings him his slippers because she’s now a dog in a human body.

Ugh.  This was an attempt to do a light-hearted episode and I respect the show for trying to do something different.  At the same time, it also featured four murders and a woman, who simply wanted to get a divorce from her creepy husband, being transformed into a dog.  Our regulars were barely in this episode and, when they did appear, we had to suffer through some awkward flirting between Johnny and Micki.  Denis Forest did a good job as Aubry but otherwise, this was an episode that I could just as soon forget.

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 2.3 “Newheart”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

This week, things get dark.

Episode 2.3 “Newheart”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on November 9th, 1983)

What a depressing episode!

It doesn’t start out on a particularly depressing note.  It opens with a bachelor part for Dr. Vijay Kochar, who is about marry a woman that he’s never actually met.  (It’s an arranged marriage.)  The bachelor party, which appears to have been held in Fiscus’s apartment, is a bust.  Dr. White shows up with a sex doll.  Victor Ehrlich shows up with a short film called “Sally Takes a Ride,” which turns out to be not the pornography he was expecting but instead, a short film about astronaut Sally Ride.  Vijay mentions that he’s a virgin and soon, with the help Dr. White and Nurse Daniels, the news is all over the hospital.  Kathy Martin decides to give Vijay an early wedding gift by having sex with him.

Since this episode aired in 1983, there’s a random aerobic class being held in the hospital, which leads to a lengthy scene of spandex and dancing.  It’s a bit of a silly scene for what was, for the first half hour, shaping up to be a silly episode.

Fran and Jerry Singleton finally check out of the hospital.  Fran has regained the ability to speak and can stiffly walk.  Jerry has learned to stop being such an overbearing jerk.  Dr. Morrison is not there to say goodbye to the Singletons because….

…. and here’s where things start to get dark….

….his wife is in another hospital!  Jack Morrison’s wife has an offscreen cerebral hemorrhage and, as evidenced by Morrison’s tears at the end of the episode, she does not survive.  At the same time that she’s dying, Dr. Craig gets a call telling him that there is finally a heart available for the transplant.  And, though it wasn’t explicitly stated, it seems pretty obvious that the heart in question belonged to Morrison’s wife.

AGCK!

Seriously, how much more depressing can one episode get?  And for all this to happen to Jack Morrison, who is probably the most decent character on the show, it’s just not fair!  I mean, he was literally the only married intern who had a happy marriage.  He has a newborn son.  And now, he’s going to have to balance being a single father with being a resident.

Poor guy!  I hope next week finds some sort of relief for him.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 4.1 “Man’s Best Friend Part One”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, we start the fourth season of Highway to Heaven.  This episode features orphans and dogs!  I feel the tears coming….

Episode 4.1 “Man’s Best Friend Part One”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 16th, 1987)

Oh, this episode made me cry and cry.

Why?  Well, for a couple of reasons….

First off, Jonathan and Mark got new jobs working at a kennel.  Many of the dogs at the kennel had been abandoned by their owners and Ms. Lil (Fran Ryan) took care of them all, rather than taking them to the pound.  And listen, I’m not a dog person.  I’m a cat person.  We all know this.  But seriously, those dogs were adorable!

A Siberian husky named Jake gets lost.  After running across the interstate (gasp!), he finds himself alone at night.  Coyotes approach.  (OH NO!)  Suddenly, Jonathan appears and turns into a lion, scaring the coyotes off.  (*sniff*  *sniff* I’m okay.)

Every few days, Lil takes the dogs down to the local orphanage — (OH MY GOD!) — and lets them play with the orphans.  Jake, now a part of the kennel crew, begs young Alex (Danny Pintauro, who had a much worse experience with a dog in Cujo) to play with him.  Alex is shy and introverted but Jake quickly becomes his best friend.  Alex starts to come out of his shell and says that he knows he’ll never be separated from Jake.  For the first time in his young life, Alex is happy.

(Oh dear.)

The local media does a story on Lil and her dogs.  They take a picture of Alex and Jake.  The next morning, a young girl named Jenny (Elisabeth Harnois) sees the picture and recognizes Jake.  For the past month, she’s been desperately looking for Jake!

(This isn’t good….)

Jenny and her grandfather (William Schallert) pick Jake up from the kennel.  Jonathan has to go to the orphanage and tell Alex that his best friend is no longer going to be visiting him.

(Sorry, give me a minute.)

Alex is depressed.  Jake is depressed.  Jonathan shows at Jenny’s home and asks if Alex can come and visit Jake.  Jenny and grandpa say yes.  (YAY!)

Suddenly, three dreaded words appear on the screen: “TO BE CONTINUED”

What!?  No, there’s no need to continue.  Alex and Jake have been reunited, let’s end the story here….

This episode was Highway to Heaven at its most earnest, manipulative, and effective.  Not only did it feature orphans but also an adorable dog and William Schallert as a genial authority figure.  There was also a subplot about Jenny’s parents trying to have another child with a surrogate and I’m sure that has something to do with that promise of “TO BE CONTINUED.”

Nothing better happen to the dog!

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 2.15 “Goin’ Up In Smoke”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Yes, this is from the first season. I don’t care. I refuse to waste my time looking for a second season advertisement.

This week, Jason’s smoking!  And Dick Butkus shows up.

Episode 2.15 “Goin’ Up In Smoke”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on February 12th, 2000)

Okay, can we just agree that Lisa is the absolute worst?

No, not me!  I’m talking about the show’s Lisa, the premed student played by Marquita Terry.  In this episode, she somehow gets a job writing theater reviews for the local newspaper.  When Traycee puts on her own version of Romeo and Juliet (an “urban” version that she calls Rom-e-yo and Juliet), Lisa has to review it.  Lisa doesn’t like the play so she writes a negative review in which she says that Traycee is a terrible actress.  Traycee reads the review and gets offended.  Lisa says that she didn’t have a choice.  She had to be honest.

Actually, Lisa did have a choice and it wouldn’t have been involved any sort of dishonesty.  Lisa could have simply said, “I can’t review this show because I have a conflict of interest.”  The show was adapted, directed, and produced by Lisa’s roommate!  That’s all Lisa had to say to get out of writing the review.   The newspaper could have sent someone else to write the review and Lisa would have been off the hook.  Instead, Lisa went to the show, trashed her roommate in the newspaper, and then acted like somehow she was the one being inconvenienced.

Seriously, Lisa is the worst and it doesn’t help that Marquita Terry’s performance on this show was so incredibly bad that she made the cast of One World look Emmy-worthy.  Seriously, you have to be really bad to make Cray from One World look good by comparison.

That was the B-plot.  The A-plot found Dick Butkus returning as Uncle Charlie, just in time for Jason to start smoking …. just like his favorite uncle!  Peter freaks out.  His son is smoking!  Hey, Peter …. your son is 19 years old and legally an adult.  If he wants to smoke, he can smoke.  He’s a musician in Malibu so you should really be thankful that smoking cigarettes is all he’s doing.

Uncle Charlie is a smoker too.  He and Jason try to quit together but, after one hour without a cigarette, they’re both ready to kill someone.  Uhmmm …. okay.  I don’t smoke but I know plenty of smokers and most of them can last for more than an hour without a cigarette.  Anyway, Uncle Charlie gets lung cancer because this is a Peter Engel sitcom and, therefore, every point has to be made with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

This episode felt familiar, mostly because every single Peter Engel sitcom had at least one insane anti-smoking episode.  Having Dick Butkus show up just reminded me of how much better Hang Time handled smoking.  This episode annoyed me beyond all belief.

Thank God it’s the final season.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.21 “Talk Nice To Me”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, someone won’t stop calling!

Episode 3.21 “Talk Nice To Me”

(Dir by Ernest Farino, originally aired on February 17th, 1991)

A sexist newspaper columnist named Martin (Ed Marinaro) starts receiving phone calls from a woman (Tina Louise) with a sultry voice.  She continually calls him, leaving message after message.  She refuses to reveal her name or how she got Martin’s unlisted “private” number.  (This episode aired during the landline era, before you could block numbers.)  Martin tries everything to get her to stop calling.  He disconnects his phone for two days but, as soon as he reconnects, she calls again.  Martin can’t work.  He can’t write.  When he invites Linda (Teri Ann Lind) over to his apartment, his paranoia prove to be a real turn-off.  He becomes convinced that the stalker has somehow entered his apartment.  The truth is even more twisted….

This episode had potential but it was let down by a rather cartoonish performance by Ed Marinaro.  I could buy Marinaro as a misogynist.  I could even buy Marinaro as a womanizer.  I couldn’t buy him as a successful newspaper columnist and, as a result, the whole “you’re going to lose your column!” subplot fell flat for me.  That said, Martin’s apartment was an appropriately claustrophobic location and the idea of the nonstop caller was suitably creepy.  This was not necessarily bad episode.  It’s just an episode that could have been better than it was.

Only three more episode to go and we will have finished up with Monsters.  Though uneven, the third season has still been a marked improvement over the first two.  Even the third season episodes that don’t work quite as well as they should, like this one, are watchable.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 6.3 “The Anniversary Gift/Honey Bee Mine/Bewigged, Bothered and Bewildered”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time so set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance….

Episode 6.3 “The Anniversary Gift/Honey Bee Mine/Bewigged, Bothered and Bewildered”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on October 16th, 1982)

Oh my God, what did Julie do to her hair!?  I mean, I understand that it was the 80s and everything but Julie’s short, spiky look in this episode is not a good decision.  No wonder she’s so worried that she’s going to lose her boyfriend (Richard Bergman) to her old college friend, Honey Bee Harknest (Randi Oakes, taking a break from appearing on CHiPs to do The Love Boat).  Honey Bee has always stolen Julie’s boyfriends so, for this cruise, Julie lies and says that she’s dating Gopher.  Normally, Gopher would be happy about this but he’s already got a girlfriend to whom he’s trying to stay loyal.

(I’m going to guess that we’ll never see Julie’s boyfriend or Gopher’s girlfriend again after this episode.)

In other cruise news, Lynn Redgrave and Robert Mandan are taking a vacation to celebrate 20 years of wedded bliss.  Mandan is looking forward to traveling.  Redgrave wants to have another child.  You’ve probably already guessed where this storyline is heading.  Lynn Redgrave and Robert Mandan made for a surprisingly believable couple.  Redgrave was, of course, an Oscar nominee while Mandan was the best of the celebrity skaters to appear on the Roller Disco episode of CHiPs.

(There’s our second CHiPs reference of the review!  Woo hoo!)

Finally, Phyllis Diller plays an old classmate of Captain Stubing’s.  When Diller compliments Stubing on still looking young, Stubing starts to worry about how she’ll react when he removes his captain’s cap and reveals that he’s bald.  So, he starts wearing a toupee.  Oh, Captain Stubing!  To be honest, I do like episodes that allow Stubing to be emotionally vulnerable.  Gavin MacLeod always did a good job of suggesting the insecurity that lay underneath the commanding presence and that’s certainly the case with this episode.  That said, Stubing could take a lesson from Sgt. Getraer, who still manages to run things on CHiPs despite his thinning hair.

(Boom!  Three references to CHiPs in one review of The Love Boat.  That’s got to be a record.)

This was a pleasant cruise and it was directed by Isaac himself, Ted Lange!  Lange keeps the action moving and, as a director, he obviously knew how to get good performances out of his castmates.  Julia’s terrible hairstyle aside, this was a good trip on The Love Boat.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.7 “Line In The Sand”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the beach gets dangerous.

Episode 2.7 “Line In The Sand”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on October 6th, 1996)

There’s a lot going on in this episode, leaving me to wonder if maybe this episode was edited together from two or three other episodes that, for whatever reason, were never aired in their original form.  Seriously, it’s an oddly put together episode, with two very dramatic stories and one silly story and absolutely no tonal consistency whatsoever.

A kayaker keeps trying to kayak where he’s not wanted so two surfers beat him up.  When the kayaker continues to kayak, the two surfers break into his home and …. put his girlfriend in a coma?  Seriously?  That seems like an overreaction.  How exactly are these two getting away with this?  Every episode of Pacific Blue leaves me more and more convinced that bicycle cops are a terrible idea.  These surfers aren’t brilliant criminals or anything.  Real cops would have been able to stop them.

Even with his girlfriend in a coma, the kayaker continues to kayak.  So, the surfers punch out two other guys and steal their jet skis so they can chase the guy.  But the kayaker leads them under the pier, which leads to one surfer colliding with a wooden support beam and the washing up on the beach, where he’s promptly arrested by Palermo.

“She woke up,” Palermo explains, referring to the kayaker’s girlfriend.  Apparently, this whole thing was just a sting to arrest the surfers but did allowing the surfers to beat up two innocent jet ski owners play into the plan?  If the girlfriend woke up and identified them as her attackers, why not just arrest the surfers on the beach instead of making them chase the kayaker?

Yes, it’s good the guy’s girlfriend woke up but consider this.  She wouldn’t have been in a coma to begin with if Santa Monica had a real police force.  Seriously, how can two surfers cause this much havoc without getting arrested before it reaches the point that they’re breaking into someone’s house and putting his girlfriend into a coma?  It is explained that they have a lawyer who represents them free-of-charge in return for surfing lessons.  I can’t think of a single lawyer who would do that.  Most lawyers need money to pay their bills and stuff.

One of the surfers is named Weed so Palermo got to say, “Hold on, Weed!” at one point.  That made me smile.

Meanwhile, a random woman became obsessed with Victor and started painting pictures of him.  When Victor rejected her, she tore her clothes and accused him of attempting to rape her.  Victor was charged with rape but we never actually saw anyone arrest him.  Cory went undercover as Victor’s girlfriend in order to get the woman to attack her.  Somehow, this led to the charges against Victor getting dropped, though it didn’t actually do anything to disprove the woman’s claim.

Finally, Elvis — the Pacific Blue mechanic played by David L. Lander — wanted to join a swinger’s club but he was told he would have to bring a woman with him.  Elvis asked Chris to accompany him.  By this point, Elvis should know that Chris’s character only exists to humiliate people who ask her to do things.  Chris isn’t interested in swinging but Elvis continue to look.  To be honest, I didn’t even realize that Elvis was still on the show.

This was a dumb episode.  Let’s leave it at that.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.19 “Edward/Extraordinary Miss Jones”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR …. nearly being the word to remember.

This week, Sammy Davis Jr. comes to Fantasy Island.

That’s be cool, right?

Episode 6.19 “Edward/Extraordinary Miss Jones”

(Dir by Don Ingalls, originally aired on April 9th, 1983)

Or, it would have been cool if my DVR had actually recorded this episode!

Sorry, it’s the curse of the DVR.  This is one of the episodes that my DVR did not record.  I’m not sure if it’s a case of the episode not being aired or perhaps the cable itself was out when it should have been recording but, for whatever reason, I do not have this episode and I also don’t remember having watched it in the past.

For now, I can’t review it.  But I’m going to leave this here as a placeholder, in case the show ever starts streaming again.

Again, I regret not being able to review this episode at this time.  But, as Mr. Roarke always says, “Smiles, everyone, smiles!”

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.23 “Nightengale”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, someone is performing emergency surgery on the street!

Episode 3.23 “Nightengale”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on March 23rd, 1980)

Something strange is happening in Los Angeles.  Every time there’s a serious accident, a middle-aged woman (Louise Latham) appears and provides medical help to the injured.  At the start of the episode, she even performs an emergency tracheotomy on the side of the freeway.  Whenever the highway patrol officer on the scene asks her for her name, she avoids the question.  And, whenever an ambulance shows up, she always manages to slip away.  As Jon and Ponch discover, the woman is named Lucy Kenton and, even though she’s a medical expert, she’s not a doctor.  With the help of the always-understanding Sgt. Getraer, Jon and Ponch help her to get her medical license so that she can legally perform surgery on the street.  Good for them!

This was a bit of an odd episode.  It seemed strange that the woman somehow always seemed to be around whenever there was an accident.  A car would crash and suddenly, Lucy would come running up, almost as if she had been patiently waiting.  The show acted as if it was just a coincidence but what are the chances that the same woman would be present at the sites of multiple accidents over the course of just a few days?  And what are the chances that Ponch would just happen to be the responding officer at two of those accidents?

To be honest, that’s one of the things that always struck me as being strange about CHiPs.  Somehow, the same people keep running into Ponch and Jon over and over again.  I mean, Los Angeles is a big city and it’s home to a lot of people.  But if you run into Ponch and Jon once, it seems you’re destined to keep seeing them for at least a week.  Once they get that first speeding ticket or stern warning, people literally can’t step outside of their house without Ponch and Jon just happening to be somewhere nearby.  That’s the sort of thing that would make me paranoid.

The B-plot of this episode featured a teenage couple whose van kept breaking down whenever they tried to run away from home.  There wasn’t much to this story but it did feature “special guest star” Dana Plato as the younger sister of the female half of the couple.  Plato delivered all her lines as if she was auditioning for a school play.  Oddly enough, Dana Plato appeared at the start of this season as herself.  She was one of the many celebrities to show up for the roller disco episode.

There really wasn’t much to this episode.  It wasn’t terrible but it did feel somewhat insubstantial.  We’re coming up on the end of the season and, from the last few episodes, I get the feeling the show’s writers just wanted to wrap things up and start their vacations.  I don’t blame them!

Next week, the third season concludes!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 4.7 “Missing Hours”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, it’s the most infamous episode of Miami Vice ever!

Episode 4.7 “Missing Hours”

(Dir by Ate De Jong, originally aired on November 13th, 1987)

This is an episode that I had been waiting for years to see.  From the moment I decided to review Miami Vice, I started to read about and hear about this seventh episode of the four season.  This was the episode was supposedly so bad that many people consider it to be the point that Miami Vice “jumped the shark.”  This is the episode were James Brown plays a white-suited singer named Lou de Long, who has going from performing songs to giving lectures about UFOs.  (James Brown is essentially playing himself, right down to the presence of I Feel Good on the soundtrack.)  This is the episode where Trudy disappears for 12 hours and then returns with no firm memories of where she was.  This is the episode where even Crockett and Tubbs see a UFO.  Even though his appearance here does not receive as much attention as much a James Brown’s, Chris Rock made his television debut as a nerdy technician named Carson who was into UFOs.  Carson mentions getting his information for “computer bulleting boards” and everyone looks at him as if he’s speaking Esperanto.

This is the episode that is frequently cited as being the worst in Miami Vice history and really, who am I to disagree?

It pains me to say that.  I really wanted to like this episode, just because it is so strange and and I’ve always been a bit of a contrarian at heart but …. no, this episode really doesn’t work.  The sad truth of the matter is that, for all of his other talents, James Brown was a lousy actor and, with the exception of Michael Talbott and Philip Michael Thomas (who both appear to be having fun), the regular cast gives performance that suggest they all knew this episode was a bad idea.  Miami Vice was at its best when it was a cynical and downbeat show about the futility of the war on drugs.  There’s really no reason for Miami Vice to ever do a science fiction-themed episode.  Somehow, this is the second such episode to air during the fourth season.

Of course, the episode’s most unforgivable sin is that it ends with Trudy waking up in bed.  Not only is that ending a cop out but it’s also pretty rude to anyone who was actually trying to follow the plot or who was actually worried about whether or not Trudy had been brainwashed by the aliens.  Perhaps if this had been a Halloween episode, all of this could have been excused but apparently, this episode aired in the middle of November.

Poor Trudy.  Seriously, Olivia Brown didn’t really get many episode built around her character.  It’s a shame that, when they gave her one, it was this one.  Next week on Miami Vice, who knows?  I’m on vacation.  We’ll see what happens!