Horror Film Review: House (dir by Steve Miner)

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday, I didn’t get to watch or review any horror films because the air conditioner at the house stopped working. While I know that a lot of people up north think that AC is a luxury that’s going to destroy the world, I live in Texas and an air conditioner is a necessity down here. So, if that leads to glaciers melting and me getting a lecture from some obnoxious little brat …. well, fine.

Anyway, we were able to get the air conditioner fixed. It took a while but it’s now working again. Once the AC was again blowing cool air into the house, I started to think about how it could be worse. I mean, the house could be haunted. We always tend to assume that ghosts are going to be nice but really, there are some nasty ghosts out there.

Take the 1986 film, House, for instance. House stars William Katt as Roger Cobb, a horror author who needs a best seller. Cobb is dealing with a lot. He’s wife (Kay Lenz) has left him. His son has vanished. His aunt has recently committed suicide, leaving behind her house. On top of all that, Cobb is still haunted by his experiences during the Vietnam War, when he was forced to leave behind a gravely wounded soldier named Big Ben (Richard Moll). Cobb wants to write about his Vietnam experiences but his agent is aghast. No one wants to talk about the war!

So, Roger moves into his aunt’s old house. He was originally planning on selling it but, for whatever reason, he thinks living in an abandoned house that drove its last owner to suicide will be a good idea. Roger thinks that living in the house will help him finish his book. The House has different ideas.

Soon, Roger finds himself dealing with a series of incidents that feel as if they were lifted from other, more cohesive horror movies. In a scene that feels like it was inspired by the Evil Dead, his wife turns into an otherworldly creature and tries to attack him. Weird gremlin creatures, which could have come from Troll or Ghoulies, keep showing up and trying to kidnap an obnoxious neighbor child. Roger’s neighbor (George Wendt) thinks that it’s possible that Roger is a murderer and that he’s buying his victims out in the backyard. Even worse, a decaying and pissed off Big Ben starts to show up.

House is an occasionally likable attempt to mix horror and comedy. Most of the comedy comes from Roger’s attempts to keep anyone else from noticing just how crazy things have gotten in the house. (Disposing of a demon’s body turns out to be not as easy as one might imagine.) William Katt does a good job with selling the comedy, though he never quite convinces you that he’s a best-selling horror author. That said, the horror aspect is far more interesting, if just as a metaphor for Roger’s PTSD. At its best, the film suggests that the house is feeding off of the lingering trauma of Roger’s war experiences. It’s an interesting idea but not one that’s really explored as much as you might like. Unfortunately, the film struggles to balance the horror and the comedy. Just when it really starts to scare you, it remembers that it’s supposed to be a comedy. Sam Raimi would have been the ideal director for House.

That said, House is entertaining, if a little bland. If nothing else, watching it made me feel better about my own house. My air conditioner may have gone down for a few hours yesterday but at least it didn’t open a portal to Hell.

Horror On The Lens: The Yesterday Machine (dir by Russ Marker)

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s horror on the lens, how about 1963’s The Yesterday Machine? This film opens with some impressive baton twirling and then segues into telling a story about time travel, mad scientists, and …. well, that’s about it. Still, what else do you need? Have you ever wondered what would happen if a sane scientist discovered time travel? For some reason, it’s always the insane ones who figure it out.

This film was shot in North Texas! That’s right, this is one of those low-budget regional productions, the one’s where the film might not be great but you kind of have to admire the determination of the filmmakers to try to make a real movie. Even if you didn’t recognize the landscape, the accents of the actors would have given it away immediately. Russ Marker was an independent filmmaker, based in Texas. The Yesterday Machine is one of two films that Marker directed. He also had an uncredited role as a bank guard in 1967’s Bonnie and Clyde.

Finally, the film stars Tim Holt who also appeared in The Magnificent Ambersons and Treasure of the Sierra Madre. How Does The Yesterday Machine rank when compared to those two films? Watch and find out! (And, after you watch it, read my review from last year.)

Horror Scenes That I Love: Cheatin’ Harry Gets Grabbed In Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

Posted on October 7, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

From 1958’s Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, Harry discovers that cheaters never get away with it. Especially when they’re cheating on someone who is 50 feet tell….

4 Shots From 4 Bert I. Gordon Films: The Amazing Colossal Man, War of the Colossal Beast, Village of the Giants, Empire of the Ants

Posted on October 7, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

This October, we’ve been using 4 Shots From 4 Films to pay tribute to some of our favorite horror directors! Today, we celebrate Mr. Big himself, Bert I. Gordon!

4 Shots From 4 Films

The Amazing Colossal Man (1957, dir by Bert I. Gordon)

War of the Colossal Beast (1958, dir by Bert I. Gordon)

Village of the Giants (1965, dir by Bert I. Gordon)

Empire of the Ants (1977, dir by Bert I. Gordon)

Horror On The Lens: Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster (dir by Robert Gaffney)

Posted on October 7, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s horror on the lens is the 1965 film, Frankenstein Meets The Space Man. This film features not only the debut of character actor James Karen but it also gave him a rare lead role. You may not recognize the name but you’ll know James Karen as soon as you see him. He’s probably best known, among horror fans, for his roles in Poltergiest and Return of the Living Dead.

Despite the movie’s title, it’s not about Frankenstein. Instead, it’s about an astronaut named Frank who is actually an android. When his latest mission into space goes wrong, Frank ends up crashing in Puerto Rico. Now malfunctioning, Frank causes some major chaos. Can his creator, Dr. Adam Steele (James Karen), track Frank down and put an end to his reign of terror?

And what about the Martians? Android Frank isn’t the only threat in Puerto Rico. A group of Martians have landed and are determined to kidnap any girl wearing a bikini so that they can use them to repopulate their race. We’re told that every woman on Mars — with the apparent exception of Princess Marcuzan, played with evil haughtiness by Marilyn Hanold — has been killed as the result of an atomic war. Assisting Princess Marcuzan is Dr. Nadir (Lou Cutell), a short, bald Martian with pointy ears.

One of the oddest things about Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster is that, despite being a standard — if wonderfully nonsensical — low-budget B-movie, it features a great soundtrack! Just try to get “That’s The Way It’s Got To Be” out of your head.

Enjoy!

The TSL’S Horror Grindhouse: Death Bed, The Bed That Eats (dir by George Barry)

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Perhaps one of the most brilliant films ever, the 1977’s Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is a film about a bed that eats people. Yes, just like the title says.

Seriously, that’s almost the entire film. The bed sits in an abandoned, dilapidated mansion that appears to be located out in the middle of nowhere. People break into the mansion. People find the bed, which is surprisingly well-cared for considering the fact that it’s sitting in the middle of a dusty, abandoned house. Some people make love. Some people try to get some sleep. Some people just sit down so they can take off their shoes. But in the end, all of them get eaten.

The bed is vaguely alive, which is to say that, if you listen carefully, you can hear it breathing and chewing. Many years ago, the bed was conjured up by a demon who needed a place to make love to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, his girlfriend died while they were having sex which caused the demon to cry. The demon’s tears brought the bed to life and now, every ten years or so, it has to feed.

We know all of this because the painter Aubrey Beardsley tells us so. Much like Paganini Horror, Death Bed is unique in that it features an actual historical figure as a key part of the story. Aubrey Beardsley was an English illustrator who specialized in pictures of the grotesque, the decadent, and the erotic. Beardsley was only 25 years when he lost his life to tuberculosis, dying in France in 1898. However, Death Bed suggests that Beardlsey did not actually die but was instead imprisoned for eternity inside one of his paintings, forced to helplessly watch as Death Bed feasted. Though Beardsley knows how to destroy the Death Bed, no one can hear his words.

One of the more interesting things about Death Bed is that we actually get to see the inside of the bed while it’s digesting it’s victims. The bed literally eats everything that’s dropped on it, except for one woman who reminds the bed of the woman whom the demon loved. Whenever the bed sees this particular woman, it cries out in pain and we get a shot of red blood shooting through the inside of the bed.

The woman is Sharon (Rosa Luxemburg), a runaway who has come to the mansion with two of her friends. Why they’re at the mansion is never really quite clear, beyond the fact that they want to take care of the place for some reason. Suzan (Julie Ritter) brings flowers, just for Diane (Demene Hall) to point out that the mansion is in the middle of the wilderness and is therefore already surrounded by flowers! The bed eats Suzan and half of Diane.

Meanwhile, Sharon’s brother shows up and, believe it or not, he’s played by a vaguely recognizable actor, William Russ. (Russ is probably best known for playing Cory’s father on Boy Meets World.) Sharon’s brother — who doesn’t get a name beyond that — gets his hands eaten down to the bone by the bed but it doesn’t seem to bother him that much. He just sits there and stares down at his skeletal fingers. Can Sharon and her brother end the bed’s reign of terror? Will Aubrey Beardsley ever find peace?

Earlier, I called Death Bed brilliant and I was not joking. Death Bed plays out like a dream, full of weird images and off-kilter dialogue and strangely subdued performances. As odd as the story may be, the film delivers exactly what it promises. This is a film the promises a bed that eats people and that’s exactly what this bed does. The film plays out in a collection of strange, vaguely-connected images, mixed in with odd moments of humor. There’s a random shot of an elderly woman reading hardcore pornography. The bed drinks pepto bismol after having too much to eat. William Russ explains why his bony hands are falling apart. Death Bed is a dream of dark and disturbing things, a film that creates its own reality and dares you to stop watching. Much like An American Hippie In Israel, there’s no other film like it and therefore, it’s important that it be watched and appreciated. Death Bed is a unique spectacle, one that exists in a universe of its very own.

International Horror Film: The Paramedic (dir by Carles Torras)

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Eh, who cares?

“Really, Lisa Marie? That’s going to be your entire review of this film? Three words?”

Listen, I’ve been wanting to use those three words for a while. Do you think it’s easy to come up with 500 words about every stupid movie that you see, especially when it’s not exactly a movie that really holds your attention? Considering the importance that entertainment plays in our lives and the fact that there actually are good and interesting films being made, dismissing a forgettable film with “Eh, who cares?” is not only justifiable but it’s also perhaps the most honest review that one can give.

“Haven’t you always said that every film deserves a review?”

I may believe that but I’ve never been stupid enough to paint myself into a corner by saying it.

“Well, why don’t you at least tell everyone what the movie is about?”

Goddammit.

“Lisa Marie….”

Okay, okay. It’s a Spanish film about this paramedic named Angel Hernandez (Mario Casas). He’s a jerk, a total believer in all of that machismo bullshit. He spends all of his time talking about how smarter he is than everyone else and he has a girlfriend named Vane (Déborah François). They’re trying to have a baby but Angel has a low sperm count. Angel refuses to tell Vane this because, to him, that would make him less of a man.

“So, it’s a film about toxic masculinity.”

Eh. Kinda. Anyway, as a result of an accident, Angel is confined to a wheelchair. He doesn’t take it well. He expects Vane to wait on him hand-and-foot while he does stuff like spy on her and hack her laptop. Eventually, Vane leaves him for Ricardo (Guillermo Pfening) so Angel starts stalking her and, after he discovers that Ricardo has gotten her pregnant, Angel kidnaps her and holds her prisoner in his apartment. He gives her an engagement ring that he stole from a patient and starts talking about how they’re going to get married and how they’re going to raise the child.

“It sounds like a Lifetime movie.”

It is kind of but …. eh. A Lifetime movie would be more fun. This is just another boring movie where a loser kidnaps a woman and holds her prisoner in his apartment while killing anyone who comes close to discovering her. You would think that the villain being in a wheelchair would at least add some sort of curiosity value to the film but it’s all so predictable that it’s hard to care. Hence, my original review.

“Were the actors at least any good?”

I guess. I’ll give Mario Casas all the credit in the world. He did a good job of bringing a really loathsome character to life. I mean, everyone has had to deal with someone like Angel Hernandez at some point in their life. Anyone who has ever been told that they don’t really understand what they need or what they want will be able to relate to what Vane goes through.

“So, the film wasn’t all bad.”

No, it wasn’t all bad but at the same time, there was nothing particularly surprising about it either. I was never surprised by anything that happened. It’s just kind of there. You watch it and you shrug and you say….

“….eh, who cares?”

You got it.

4 Shots From 4 Jean Rollin Films: The Iron Rose, Lips of Blood, Fiancée of Dracula, The Mask of Medusa

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This October, we’ve been using 4 Shots From 4 Films to pay tribute to some of our favorite horror directors! Today, we take a look at the brilliant French director, Jean Rollin!

4 Shots From 4 Films

The Iron Rose (1973, dir by Jean Rollin)

Lips of Blood (1975, dir by Jean Rollin)

Fiancée of Dracula (2002, dir by Jean Rollin)

The Mask of Medusa (2010, dir by Jean Rollin)

Horror Film Review: Twilight Zone: The Movie (dir by John Landis, Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante, and George Miller)

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1983’s Twilight Zone: The Movie is meant to be a tribute to the classic original anthology series. It features four “episodes” and two wrap-around segments, with Burgess Meredith providing opening and closing narration. Each segment is directed by a different director, which probably seemed like a good idea at the time.

Unfortunately, Twilight Zone: The Movie is a bit of a mess. One of the episodes is brilliant. Another one is good up until the final few minutes. Another one is forgettable. And then finally, one of them is next too impossible to objectively watch because of a real-life tragedy.

With a film that varies as wildly in tone and quality as Twilight Zone: The Movie, the only way to really review it is to take a segment at a time:

Something Scary (dir by John Landis)

Albert Brooks and Dan Aykroyd drive through the desert and discuss the old Twilight Zone TV series. Brooks claims that the show was scary. Aykoyd asks if Brooks wants to see something really scary. This is short but fun. It’s tone doesn’t really go along with the rest of the movie but …. oh well. It made me jump.

Time Out (dir by John Landis)

Vic Morrow plays a racist named Bill Connor who, upon leaving his local bar, finds himself transported to Nazi-occupied France, the deep South, and eventually Vietnam.

How you react to this story will probably depend on how much you know about its backstory. If you don’t know anything about the filming of this sequence, you’ll probably just think it’s a bit heavy-handed and, at times, unintentionally offensive. Twilight Zone often explored themes of prejudice but Time Out just seems to be using racism as a gimmick.

If you do know the story of what happened while this segment was being filmed, it’s difficult to watch. Actor Vic Morrow was killed during filming. His death was the result of a preventable accident that occurred during a scene that was to involve Morrow saving two Vietnamese children from a helicopter attack. The helicopter crashed, killing not only Morrow but the children as well. It was later determined that not only were safety protocols ignored but that Landis had hired the children illegally and was paying them under the table so that he could get around the regulations governing how many hours child actors could work. It’s a tragic story and one that will not leave you as a fan of John Landis’s, regardless of how much you like An American Werewolf in London and Animal House.

Nothing about the segment feels as if it was worth anyone dying for and, to be honest, I’m kind of amazed that it was even included in the finished film.

Kick The Can (dir by Steven Spielberg)

An old man named Mr. Bloom (Scatman Crothers) shows up at Sunnyvale Retirement Home and encourages the residents to play a game of kick the can. Everyone except for Mr. Conroy (Bill Quinn) eventually agrees to take part and, just as in the episode of the Twilight Zone that this segment is based on, everyone becomes young.

However, while the television show ended with the newly young residents all running off and leaving behind the one person who refused to play the game, the movie ends with everyone, with the exception of one man who apparently became a teenager istead of a kid, deciding that they would rather be old and just think young. That really doesn’t make any damn sense but okay.

This segment is unabashedly sentimental and clearly calculated to brings tears to the eyes to the viewers. The problem is that it’s so calculated that you end up resenting both Mr. Bloom and all the old people. One gets the feeling that this segment is more about how we wish old people than how they actually are. It’s very earnest and very Spielbergian but it doesn’t feel much like an episode of The Twilight Zone.

It’s A Good Life (dir by Joe Dante)

A teacher (Kathleen Quinlan) meets a young boy (Jeremy Licht) who has tremendous and frightening powers.

This is a remake of the classic Twilight Zone episode, It’s A Good Life, with the difference being that young Anthony is not holding an entire town hostage but instead just his family. This segment was directed by Joe Dante, who turns the segment into a cartoon, both figuratively and, at one point, literally. That’s not necessarily a complaint. It’s certainly improvement over Spielberg’s sentimental approach to the material. Dante also finds roles for genre vets like Kevin McCarthy, William Schallert, and Dick Miller and he provides some memorably over-the-top visuals.

The main problem with this segment is the ending, in which Anthony suddenly reveals that he’s not really that bad and just wants to be treated normally, which doesn’t make much sense. I mean, if you want to be treated normally, maybe don’t zap your sister in a cartoon. The teacher agrees to teach Anthony how to be a normal boy and again, what the Hell? The original It’s A Good Life worked because, like any child, Anthony had no conception of how adults felt about him. In the movie version, he’s suddenly wracked with guilt and it’s far less effective. It feels like a cop out.

Still, up until that ending, It’s A Good Life worked well as a satire of the perfect American family.

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet (dir by George Miller)

In this remake of Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, John Lithgow steps into the role that was originally played by William Shatner. He plays a man who, while attempting to conquer his fear of flying, sees a gremlin on the wing of his airplane. Unfortunately, he can’t get anyone else on the plane to believe him.

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet is the best of the four main segments. It’s also the one that sticks closest to its source material. Director George Miller (yes, of Mad Max fame) doesn’t try to improve on the material because he seems to understand that it works perfectly the way it is. John Lithgow is also perfectly cast in the lead role, perfectly capturing his increasing desperation. The one change that Miller does make is that, as opposed in the TV show, the gremlin actually seems to be taunting John Lithgow at time and it works wonderfully. Not only is Lithgow trying to save the plane, he’s also trying to defeat a bully.

Something Scarier (dir by John Landis)

Dan Aykroyd’s back as an ambulance driver, still asking his passenger if he wants to see something really scary. It’s an okay ending but it does kind of lessen the impact of Nightmare at 20,000 Feet.

Horror On The Lens: Dead of Night (dir by Dan Curtis)

Posted on October 6, 2020 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s horror on the lens, we’re very happy to present to you, Dead of Night!

From 1977, this television film is a horror anthology, made up of three stories directed by Dan Curtis and written by Richard Matheson. In the first story, a youngish Ed Begley, Jr. travels through time. In the 2nd story, Patrick Macnee plays a man whose wife is apparently being menaced by a vampire. And in the third story, Joan Hackett plays a mother who brings her dead son back to life, just to discover that sometimes it’s best to just let sleeping corpses lies.

The entire anthology is good, though the third story is clearly the best and the most frightening. Not only is it scary but it’s got a great twist ending.

Enjoy!