Tag Archives: Miles Doleac

Horror Insomnia File #73: Don’t Kill It (dir by Mike Mendez)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Last night, if you were having trouble getting to sleep, you could have gone to either YouTube or Tubi and watched the 2016 horror film, Don’t Kill It!

Don’t Kill It! takes place in a small Mississippi town.  After a hunter shoots his suddenly viscous dog and then murders his wife and children, the hunter is gunned down by another man.  That man then proceeds to kill his own family.  FBI agent Evelyn Pierce (Kristina Klebe) thinks that it was a case of domestic terrorism.  Demon hunter Jebediah Woodley (Dolph Lundgren) disagrees.  Woodley explains that there’s a demon on the loose.  The demon jumps from host to host.  Killing one host means becoming possessed yourself.  As Woodley explains it, the only way to avoid becoming possessed is not to kill it but then you run the risk of being killed yourself.

At first, everyone is skeptical of Woodley’s claims.  But as Evelyn investigates the case (and we watch a lot of slow motion flashbacks that appear to have been included to pad out the running time), she comes to realize that Woodley is correct.  There is a demon and it is possessing people.  But how can it be stopped?

Don’t Kill It may be a low-budget film but it gets the most out of that budget, making good use of the country atmosphere of its setting and getting generally good performances from the cast.  (The possession scenes are simple but still very well-done and creepy.)  The main appeal here is Dolph Lundgren, playing his role with just the right amount of self-awareness to let the viewer know that Lundgren knows exactly what type of film he’s appearing in and that he’s going to do his best to keep things entertaining.  It’s a film that’s perfect for late night horror season viewing.

Admittedly, I watched the film with a group of friends, some of whom dropped out during the opening massacre.  I could understand their feelings but I think the important thing to consider is, for all the bad things that happened, a hero still showed up to put things right.  Indeed, one could argue that the film’s theme of murder leading to more murder is actually a plea for peace.  “Don’t kill it!” Woodley says and it’s a message for everyone watching.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica
  62. Rollergator
  63. Hillbillys In A Haunted House
  64. Once Upon A Midnight Scary
  65. Girl Lost
  66. Ghosts Can’t Do It
  67. Heist
  68. Mind, Body & Soul
  69. Candy
  70. Shortcut to Happiness
  71. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders
  72. Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders II

Let’s Talk About Santa Jaws (dir by Misty Talley)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, about twenty minutes into the latest SyFy shark movie, I declared the following on twitter:

51 favs and 15 retweets later, I stand by my declaration.  Sorry, Jaws.  Step aside, Deep Blue Sea.  It’s been fun, Sharknado 5.  Santa Jaws is officially the greatest shark movie ever made.

The scene in question took place on Christmas Eve.  Lovable Poppa (Ritchie Montgomery) is fishing out on the bayou and drinking from his thermos of eggnog when, suddenly, a shark jumps out of the water and eats him.  It happens rather suddenly, so suddenly in fact that you only barely notice the fact that the shark has red eyes.  It’s only as the shark is swimming away that we see that Santa’s hat is sitting on its fin.  And, if we listen really carefully, we can hear the sound of jingling bells.

From the minute that people learned that SyFy was going to be broadcasting a movie called Santa Jaws, the question became just how literally we should take the title.  Would Santa actually be a shark?  Or would it just be a shark movie that happened during the Christmas season?  And there was one question in particular that we were all wondering:

https://twitter.com/ggfletcher/status/1029438582447132673

Well, the answer is yes.  Santa Jaws does take place during the Christmas season.  While Santa Jaws may not literally be Santa-turned-into-a-shark, he still brings a family together, just like any visit from Santa should.  And yes … the shark wears a Santa hat on his fin.

The film deals with Cody (Reid Miller), a teenage outcast and comic book artist.  Cody is not having a great holiday season.  Not only is there no snow on the ground (the film does take place in Louisiana, after all) but his family seems to be more proud of his athletic older brother, Josh (Arthur Marroquin), than of him.  On top of everything else, he’s been grounded because of a less-than flattering picture that he drew of his school’s principal.  Cody’s mood would probably improve if he knew that his next door neighbor, Jena (Courtney Lauren Collins), is also into comics but Cody can’t even work up the courage to speak to her.

Cody, however, has received one early Christmas present.  Poppa gives him a magic pen, which a frustrated Cody uses to draw a picture of Santa Jaws while complaining about how he wishes his family would just go away.  Cody, of course, doesn’t mean what he says.  Anyone who has ever been a teenager and who has ever had a bad day will immediately understand that.  However, the magic pen doesn’t understand that and soon, Santa Jaws has not only come to life but it’s after Cody’s family!

Now, you may be getting the feeling that Santa Jaws is not meant to be taken too seriously and, in that case, you would be correct.  As far as Misty Talley shark movies are concerned, Santa Jaws has more in common with the cheerful meta comedy of Mississippi River Sharks than the dark horror of Zombie Shark.  With the exception of one unfortunate elf who finds himself in the wrong place at the wrong time, there’s not a lot of blood in Santa Jaws.  However, there are plenty of puns, courtesy of Cody’s best friend, Steve (Hawn Tran).  (My favorite was when Steve said that the shark was “gill-ty.”)  This is the type of film where, when the comic book store owner (Scott Allen Perry), gets his hands on the pen, he promptly draws a Russian girlfriend, a nice car, and several million dollars.  Though a lot of people are eaten over the course of Santa Jaws, neither the film nor the characters lose their sense of humor.

It’s a fun movie and on that delivers exactly what it promises and a whole lot more.  It’s a film that gives you a shark with a Santa hat on its fin but it also delivers clever dialogue and committed performances.  Reid Miller and Courtney Lauren Cummings are likable protagonists and Hawn Tran and Scott Allen Perry provide effective comedic relief.  Arthur Marroquin turns big brother Josh into a nicely rounded character while Jim Klock, Carrie Lazar, Miles Doleac, Haviland Stillwell, and Ritchie Montgomery all have a good moments as the members of Cody’s family.  In the end, you really do hope that the family will still manage to have a merry Christmas.

And, of course, there’s the shark.  The shark loves Christmas, as we all do.  The shark has glowing red eyes, the better to guide your sleigh at night.  And yes, the shark wears a Santa cap on its fin.

Santa Jaws was a lot of fun and I’m hoping SyFy will be smart enough to show it every Christmas.  At the very least, we need a sequel.  Santa Jaws Conquers The Martians, anyone?

Let’s Talk About Mississippi River Sharks (dir by Misty Talley)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh my God — sharks in the Mississippi River!?

Hey, why not?  Listen, SyFy has been showing shark films for over four years straight now.  We’ve had zombie sharks.  We’ve had toxic sharks.  We had a ghost shark.  We’ve had a planet of the sharks.  The sharks have taken over the oceans.  They’ve taken over the jersey shore.  There’s even a movie called Sand Sharks, in which the sharks take over the beach!  And, let’s not forget that SyFy and the Asylum have built an entire franchise around the idea that sharks can survive in a tornado.  (And I haven’t even mentioned what happens in Shark Exorcist.)

My point is that there are a lot of shark movies and, as a result, the sharks are having to branch out and explore new aquatic territory.  It was inevitable that the sharks would eventually find their way to the Mississippi River.

As soon as I saw the title of this movie, I thought to myself, “Please tell me that this movie will open with a big old riverboat getting attacked by sharks.”  You can imagine how happy I was when, less than five minutes into the film, that’s exactly what happened.  When you’re watching a movie on SyFy and you see a bunch of CGI sharks jumping onto the deck of a riverboat and snapping off people’s heads, you know you’re in a good hands.  You know you’re going to be properly entertained for the next two hours.

Really, when it comes to shark movies, all you really need are the sharks and some victims who, for whatever reason, refuse to stay out of the water.  However, Mississippi River Sharks offers a  bit more than that.  After the sharks get finished with that riverboat, they move on down the Mississippi and attack a small town’s annual “fish rodeo.”  Needless to say, a fish rodeo always tends to attract the most eccentric among us and this one is no different.  For instance, there’s Possum (Kevin J. McGrath), who isn’t going to let a little thing like a shark attack stand in the way of his quest to win a trophy.  There’s Big Bill (Marco St. John), who owns the local car dealership and who doesn’t see why the presence of a few sharks should stand in the way of making a little money.  There’s Wyatt (Dean West), who has a way with a quip and quickly emerged as a favorite of the viewing audience.  And then there’s Tara (played by Cassie Steele, star of both Degrassi and Zombie Shark) who quickly shows that she knows just how to deal with ill-tempered sharks.

Finally, there’s Jason London, playing the role of …. Jason London!  That’s right, Jason London plays himself in Mississippi River Sharks.  In the film’s universe, Jason is well-known for starring in multiple editions of the Shark Bite franchise.  (“We don’t talk about Shark Bite 3!” Jason snaps.)  When Jason accepted the invitation to be the fish rodeo’s special celebrity guest, he never realized that he would have to face real-life sharks!  However, when those sharks do arrive, this movie hero proves himself to be … well, not much of a hero.  Watch the movie to see what happens.  I’ll just say that London is hilarious and it’s a lot of fun to watch him pretending to be a pretentious and stuck-up movie star.  He delivers his lines with just the right amount of weary annoyance.

(And yes, there is a Jeremy London joke but I won’t spoil it.)

(Also, it’s mentioned that Jason London also starred in Here Comes Santa Jaws and Raiders of the Lost Shark.  Seriously, somebody needs to make these two films.)

Now that the sharks have invaded the Mississippi River, where will the sharks show up next year?  Well, just remember this — the Mississippi River is the biggest river in the United States.  Those sharks could end up anywhere.  Personally, I’m hoping for Minnesota Winter Sharks.

We’ll see what happens!