Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.2 “Holly’s House”

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire show is streaming on Youtube.

This week, on Monsters, a creepy robot gets a bit too possessive of its operator. How monstrous is this robot? Read on and find out!

Episode 1.2 “Holly’s House”

(Dir by Theodore Gershuny, originally aired on October 29th, 1988)

This week’s monster is Holly.

Holly is a robot. (Sitting inside the Holly costume was actor Michael J. Anderson, who is best known for playing the backwards-talking Man From Another World on Twin Peaks and The Man Who Secretly Controlled Hollywood in Mulholland Drive.) Holly is the star of an incredibly corny and kind of annoying children’s show called Holly’s House. Every day, Holly deals with her friends, Early Bird and Mike the Mailman.

Mike the Mailman is actually an actor named Lenny (Perry Lang). Lenny is the sometime boyfriend of Katherine (Marilyn Jones), the actress who not only provides the voice of Holly but also controls the robots movements during filming. Katherine has been the star of Holly’s House for four years but she has just discovered that she is pregnant. Katherine wants to quit the show, marry Lenny, and raise her child. Holly, however, has other ideas….

This episode was basically a variation on the old idea of the ventriloquist being taken over by their dummy. Is Holly the one who is being rude to Lenny and deliberately ruining the show or is it Katherine acting through Holly? And when Holly snaps and starts attacking people, is Holly the one doing it or is it Katherine acting out through Holly? Unfortunately, regardless of whether Holly is acting on her own or not, Katherine is still the one destined to take the blame for all of her anti-social behavior.

Holly was indeed creepy but this episode was still a bit of a let down. I think the main problem was that there was no way that Holly’s House would have been a success. I understand that the show’s portrayal of Holly’s House was probably meant to be a commentary on how vapid most children’s shows were but, even at their most vapid, most children’s shows are still somewhat cute. Holly’s House only has three cast members — an ugly bird, a creepy robot, and an overly cheerful mailman. There’s not a kid around that would watch that. Holly obviously wasn’t happy about Lenny encouraging Katherine to quit the show but seriously, the show was probably on its last legs as it was.

One final note: This episode was directed by Theodore Gershuny, who was the ex-husband of cult film star Mary Woronov and who also directed Silent Night Bloody Night and wrote the excellent book, Soon To Be A Major Motion Picture. While his direction of this episode didn’t really work for me, I do recommend his Christmas film and the book.

Horror on TV: The Hitchhiker 5.4 “Garter Belt” (dir by Roger Andrieux)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of The Hitchhiker, Robert Carradine plays a corrupt diplomat in France whose life falls apart when all of his dark secrets are revealed. This is another Hitchhiker episode in which The Hitchhiker takes an obvious glee in revealing the hypocrisy of someone who holds himself up as being moral and perfect. Keep an eye out for Lucio Fulci’s favorite actress, Catriona MacColl, in the role of Carradine’s long-suffering wife!

This episode originally aired on July 7th, 1989.

The TSL Horror Grindhouse: Things (dir by Andrew Jordan)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Things is a low-budget, independently-made horror film from 1989.

Things tells the story of Don (Barry J. Gillis) and Fred (Bruce Roach), two gentlemen with mullets who decide to drop by the house of Don’s brother, Doug (Doug Bunston). When they arrives at the house, they’re surprised to find that Doug is nowhere to be seen.

“Doug, are you here?” Don asks, “Doug, are you alive?”

Don and Fred decide to raid the refrigerator in search of beer. Inside the refrigerator, they find a book by Aleister Crowley and a tape recorder. They decide to listen to the tape, which was a huge mistake because, when you’re starring in a crappy horror film, the last thing you want to do is remind the viewer of a different, better horror film. As they played the tape, I thought to myself, “Don’t mention Evil Dead, don’t mention Evil Dead….”

“Hey,” Don said, “this is like that movie where those weird things happened….”

Anyway, Doug finally makes an appearance and orders them to stop making so much noise. His wife is trying to sleep. She’s been exhausted because she and Doug have been working with the mad Doctor Lucas (Jan W. Pachul) in an attempt to conceive a child. Unfortunately, Lucas’s experiments have led to Susan giving birth to several insect-like monsters, which promptly attempt to eat Doug, Don, and Fred.

Things is such a Canadian film that I actually had to pause the movie after about ten minutes so that I could put on one of Jeff’s hockey jerseys and watch the film in proper style. Don and Fred are just two regular guys who want to show off their guts and drink some beer. Indeed, it’s debatable whether or not Don and Fred are as upset about the killer monsters as they are about the fact that Doug doesn’t have much beer left in the refrigerator. For his part, Don sports both a formidable mullet and truck driver mustache. He looks like he can’t wait to head back to Toronto as soon as the problem with all of the killer monsters are taken care of.

Things has a reputation for being one of the worst horror films ever made and …. well, it’s certainly not a good film. The film takes a few stabs at Robocop-style social commentary by casting porn star Amber Lynn as a news reader who appears at random moments and announces that there’s been a power failure in New York and that George Romero is heading to the Supreme Court in his attempt to establish his ownership of Night of the Living Dead. We’re also promised a story about the presidency of George H.W. Bush and the growing possibility of nuclear war. Unfortunately, these scenes don’t add much to the film but they do provide a diversion from listening to Don and Fred attempt to have an articulate conversation. Even if one can accept the bad acting (and sometimes, when it comes to indie horror films, you have to be ready to accept a few awkwardly delivered lines), the film itself is so poorly lit that it’s often difficult to tell what’s actually happening on screen. Perhaps Things’s biggest problem is that, unless you really enjoy listening to two grown men argue about whether or not there’s any beer left, Things is just a boring movie. It’s developed a cult reputation, largely due to being riffed on by the Rifftraxx crew, but I would be shocked to find anyone who has actually watched the film more than once. Things is not The Room. It’s not even Birdemic.

That said, the film did end with the suggestion that the whole thing might have just been a dream and I appreciated that. It was a solution that made about as much sense as anything else in the film.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.10 and 3.11: “The Love Lamp Is Lit/Critical Success/Rent a Family/Take My Boyfriend, Please/The Man in Her Life”

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s a double length episode of The Love Boat as the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders take over the cruise!

Episodes 3.10 and 3.11 “The Love Lamp Is Lit/Critical Success/Rent a Family/Take My Boyfriend, Please/The Man in Her Life”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 10th, 1979)

This episode features the first time that Jill Whelan (as Vicki) is included in the opening credits and what an episode to be included in! It’s time for a special charity cruise of the Love Boat! In order to raise money for an orphanage in Mexico, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders will be performing on the boat!

I don’t really follow football but I do know that both the Cowboys and their cheerleaders were really popular back in the 70s and 80s. (Living in Texas, I’ve become very good at sympathetically nodding whenever anyone starts talking about frustrated they are with the Cowboys.) Still, the idea of the cheerleaders performing on a cruise ship for a charity drive seems a little off. I mean, shouldn’t they be cheering at a football game? As I always do when it come to things involving cheerleaders, I asked my sister Erin if any of this made sense to her. Erin suggested that I not worry about it because it’s The Love Boat. And really, she has a point. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders marching onto the boat in full uniform and practicing their routines by the pool makes about as much sense as 11 year-old Vicki suddenly living on a cruise ship. With The Love Boat, you just have to kind of go with it.

The Cheerleaders play themselves, with three of them getting storylines of their own and I will say that they all came across as being likable and natural in their performances. I always kind of dread any episode that features celebrities playing themselves because just because someone is famous, that doesn’t mean they’re going to be a good actor. (I still remember all of those stiff basketball player cameos on Hang Time.) But the cheerleaders all do a good job, even if none of them are given particularly challenging roles.

Stacy (Tami Barber), for instance, is shocked when Mark Scott (Stephen Shortridge) boards the cruise. Mark was someone who pursued her in Dallas but she wanted nothing to do with him. However, on the boat, Mark shows that he’s a nice guy underneath his smooth exterior. He even choreographs a new routine for the charity performance. Good for him!

Wendy Ames (Gaye Carter) boards the boat with her mother, Helen (Dina Merrill) and Helen’s boyfriend, Bill (William Windom). Helen gets jealous of the amount of time that Wendy and Bill are spending together and, when she sees the two of them looking at wedding rings, she decides that they’re having an affair! No, Helen — Bill wants to marry you! This whole storyline was silly, to be honest. Helen just came across as being unnaturally paranoid.

Lisa (Kim Kilway) meets and falls for Paul (Bill Daily), who is the newest vice president of the greeting card company that is sponsoring the cruise. Paul loves Lisa to but he has a problem. He’s traveling with his fake family! Why does Paul have a fake family? Apparently, Paul’s boss (John Hillerman) only hires family men. (That sounds like a lawsuit in the making.) Paul recruited a fake wife (Roz Kelly), mother (Patsy Kelly), and son (Jackie Earle Haley, who appears to be having a lot of fun playing bratty) to pretend to be his family. The truth comes out, of course. Fortunately, Lisa is remarkably forgiving and Paul avoids getting fired by promising to marry and start a family with Lisa as quickly as possible. Again, this all sounds like the beginning of Supreme Court case.

Among the non-cheerleaders, Lou (Larry Linville) and Nora (Gunilla Hutton) are two jewel thieves who board the boat so that they can find some diamonds they hid the last time they took a cruise. They hid the diamonds in a lamp and it turns out that the lamp is now in the possession of a member of the crew. This leads to Nora flirting with Gopher, Isaac, and Doc and then quickly abandoning them once it becomes clear that they don’t have the lamp. (These scenes were fun, largely because of Gunilla Hutton’s comedic timing.) Finally, Lou and Nora get the diamonds but they have a change of heart and, along with declaring their love for each other, Lou and Nora also donate the $500,000 that they’re going to make from selling the diamonds to the orphanage! Yay! Assuming that Lou and Nora don’t get arrested while trying to fence the stolen merchandise, the orphanage will greatly benefit.

Meanwhile, an acerbic theatrical critic (Douglas Fairbanks, Jr.) tries to get an actress (Ginger Rogers) to agree to appear in his new play. In the end, they realize they’re in love and Ginger Rogers sings Love Will Keep Us Together.

There was a lot going on in this episode but it was enjoyably silly in the way that the best episodes of The Love Boat usually are. It was excessive and ridiculous, but fun. On The Love Boat could you get Jackie Earle Haley mocking his fake father while Ginger Rogers sang a song. This was an enjoyable episode and it did Dallas proud.

Horror Scenes That I Love: Godzilla in Godzilla vs. Megalon

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s Horror Scene That I Love, let’s take a minute or two to show some respect to one of the world’s greatest (and longest-lived) film stars, Godzilla! Whether he’s attacking humanity as the literal representation of atomic age anxiety or if he’s saving Earth from a bunch of aliens, Godzilla has always been a superstar.

In this scene from 1973’s Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla shows just how much of a star he is by taking a stand against bullying and saving his friend, Jet Jaguar. In this scene, Godzilla shows that he was an anti-bullying activist even before it was cool. Megalon and his friend thought they could just taunt poor old Jet Jaguar. Not as long as Godzilla’s around!

October True Crime: House on The Hill (dir by Jeffrey Frentzen)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2012’s House on the Hill is loosely based on the true story of Leonard Lake and Charles Ng, two of the worst serial killers to ever haunt California.

Two former Marines who met after Ng placed an advertisement in a survivalist magazine, Lake and Ng lived together on an isolated tract of land. Underneath their cabin, they constructed a dungeon. Over the next year, they murdered a countless number of people in their dungeon and buried their remains. Lake and Ng killed anyone they came across, including several people who had previously been friends of Lake’s. (Ng apparently didn’t have any friends to kill.) Though they were officially accused of committing eleven murders, it’s felt that the number was probably much higher. The two of them videotaped their crimes. Ng kept a detailed and graphic journal in which he gloated about all of the people who he had killed. Lake made videos in which he explained his philosophy and expounded on why he felt that he deserved a slave. Eventually, Lake committed suicide after he was arrested on a shop lifting charge. Ng fled to Canada but was eventually sent back to the United States. He currently sits on California’s inactive death row.

In the film, Sonia (Naidra Dawn Thompson) is visited at her home by Paul (Kevin McCloskey), a detective. Paul explains that he knows that Sonia was the only survivor of Ng and Lake’s rampage. She survived by being the slave that Leonard Lake desired, filming Ng and Lake’s crimes. Paul wants to know if Sonia remembers one of Lake and Ng’s victims, a woman named Karianna (Shannon Leade). Paul says that his clients want to know the circumstances that led to Karianna’s death. After some hesitation, Sonia tells Paul about her experiences as Lake and Ng’s prisoner. The film is a mix of black-and-white scenes involving Paul and Sonia and color flashbacks to the crimes of Lake (Stephen A.F. Day) and Ng (Sam Leung). While Sonia and Karianna are both fictional, the audience is shown footage of the real Leonard Lake, talking about his “philosophy” of life.

At first, it feels a bit tasteless to include the actual footage of the real Leonard Lake but, by the end of the film, I was glad that it had been included because, physically, the real-life Leonard Lake and Charles Ng were both considerably less attractive than the actors who played them in the film. This is especially true of Charles Ng. The real life Ng was pudgy and nerdy. Sam Leung, on the other hand, is undeniably handsome and muscular. Meanwhile, Stephen A.F. Day has the looks and manner of a friendly social worker so it was good to have actual footage of Lake so that the audience could see that, in real life, Leonard Lake was an overweight, loser incel whose spoke like someone who was desperately trying to convince the listener that he was smarter than he actually was. (Leonard Lake was the type to stumble over any word that had more than one syllable.) Probably the best thing that a serial killer film can do is remind the audience that most killers are not erudite and clever. They’re not Hannibal Lecter. Instead, they’re losers who are striking out at a world in which they have no hope of succeeding.

As for the film itself, it does capture the horror of being trapped but it’s hard not to feel that it made a mistake by focusing on the fictional Sonia and her conversation with Paul. Indeed, by having the film narrated by a fictional character who managed to escape, the film does a disservice to to the real victims who weren’t so lucky. With all of the flashbacks and flashforwards, the narrative itself feels too jumbled to really tell us anything about how or why Lake and Ng not only committed their crimes but how they managed to get away with it for over a year. In the end, the scariest thing about Lake and Ng is that, if not for that one shoplifting incident, their reign of terror could have continued uninterrupted for even longer than it did.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Roger Corman Edition

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

This October, I am going to be using our 4 Shots From 4 Films feature to pay tribute to some of my favorite horror directors, in alphabetical order! That’s right, we’re going from Argento to Zombie in one month!

Today’s director is one of the most influential figures in American film history, the one and only Roger Corman!

4 Shots From 4 Roger Corman Films

Not of this Earth (1957, dir by Roger Corman, DP: John Mescall)

The Little Shop of Horrors (1960, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Archie R. Dalzell)

X: The Man With The X-Ray Eyes (1963, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Floyd Crosby)

The Masque of Red Death (1964, dir by Roger Corman, DP: Nicolas Roeg)

Horror Film Review: Hounded (dir by Tommy Boulding)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In this British film from 2022, Leon (Nobuse Junior) is the head of a crew of thieves. Yes, he spends his time breaking into people’s houses and stealing their stuff but the film insists that he’s not that bad. He’s just trying to raise the money to send his younger brother, Chaz (Malachi Pullar-Latchman) to a university. Working with the two brothers are the perpetually angry Vix (Hannah Traylen) and the perpetually religious Todd (Ross Coles). To be honest, none of the really seem like they should be hanging out together but I guess crime makes for unexpected partnerships. Still, you really do have to wonder in what world would Vix and Todd even say “hi” to one another, let alone work together as a part of a burglary crew?

An antique dealer (Larry Lamb) hires the crew to beak into the estate of the Katherine Redwick (Samantha Bond, best-known for playing Ms. Moneypenny in the Timothy Dalton Bond films) and steal a valuable ceremonial knife. Unfortunately, it turns out that it’s all a set up and soon, the four thieves are being chased across the estate by Katherine and her family. If the thieves can make it back to civilization, they’ll be safe. If they can’t, then they’ll have to face the ceremonial knife. Yes, they’re playing a most dangerous game, with Count Zaroff’s isolated island being replaced by a posh British country estate. The film is called Hounded because, just as in a fox hunt, the Redwicks use dogs to chase down their prey. The dogs are cute and fear not, no harm comes to them. This is a 2022 film and everyone knows better than to harm a dog. The humans on the other hand….

There’s a lot of class struggle commentary to be found in Hounded. The thieves are all working class and angry about not being given the same opportunities as the rich. The Redwicks are so posh and refined that they basically come across as Monty Python-style caricatures. They may be hunting people for sport but they’re very polite and proper about it and Katharine spends a lot of time talking about how the Redwicks always hunt with honor. Unfortunately, while Samantha Bond is entertaining as the main villain, the rest of the characters are not particularly memorable and some of the actors playing the thieves give performances are downright embarrassing. As such, you never really care much about whether the thieves are going to escape or if the Renwicks are going to face justice. All you care about is whether or not the dogs are going to be okay. If your film is going to feature a lot of scare scenes featuring dogs, try not to cast cute Dalmatians. Seriously, I found myself rooting for the dogs because I knew that, no matter what they did, they would be adorable while doing it.

For the most part, Hounded is a predictable film. It’s short but it seems much longer. The version of The Most Dangerous Game just isn’t dangerous enough.

Horror on the Lens: Mesa of Lost Women (dir by Herbert Tevos and Ron Ormond)

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s Horror on the Lens is the infamous 1953 film, Mesa of Lost Women. Off in the middle of the desert, Dr. Aranya (Jackie Coogan) is conducting dangerous experiments that are resulting not only in giant spiders but also a master race of superwomen who Aranya is planning to use to conquer the world or something.

Mesa of Lost Women is a bit of a disjointed film. It was originally filmed by a German director named Herbert Tevos, who claimed to be an associate of Erich Von Stroheim’s and a former collaborator of Marlene Dietrich’s. However, despite his claims of being well-connected, no one was particularly impressed with Tevos’s first cut of the film so Ron Ormond was brought in to film additional scenes, the majority of them featuring Jackie Coogan as the insane Dr. Aranya. Jackie Coogan was, at the time, still best-known for playing The Kid in the Charlie Chaplin film of the same name. After Mesa, he would go on to play Uncle Fester on the original Addams Family.

Anyway, Mesa of Lost Women is one of those B-movies that simply has to be seen and heard to be believed. (Lyle Talbot provides the narration, which is judgmental even by the standards of the 1950s.) Enjoy Mesa of Lost Women!

October Positivity: Prayer Never Fails (dir by Wes Miller)

Posted on October 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The 2016 film, Prayer Never Fails, tells the story of Aiden Paul (Nick Lashaway). Having survived a traumatic childhood that was full of abuse, Aiden is now the beloved basketball coach at the local high school. (The fact that he never shaves or gets his hair out of his face does not seem to be a problem as far as this school district is concenred.) When one of his players approaches Aiden and tell him that he’s being abused by his father (Lorenzo Lamas), Aiden suggests that the player pray on it. When the player says that he doesn’t know how to pray (because his father is not just abusive but also a hardcore atheist, of course), Aiden takes him into a classroom and teaches him how.

Unfortunately, another teacher sees Aiden and the player praying and reports Aiden to the principal. Aiden is fired from his position. Though Aiden says that he’s just going to give up and find another job, his players demand that Aiden fight to be reinstated. Aiden decides to take the school to court!

Unfortunately, there aren’t any lawyers that Aiden can afford. (And most lawyers would hopefully be ethical enough tell Aiden that, regardless of his good intentions, he doesn’t have a case.) Finally, a chance meeting at a diner leads to Aiden hiring Michael Brown (Clifton Davis), an agnostic lawyer with a gambling problem. Michael takes the case but he soon finds himself going up against master litigator Joseph T. Harrington (Corbin Bernsen). Can Michael somehow win the case?

This is another one of those Christian courtroom films where no one does anything that makes sense. For instance, it seems like, instead of ducking into an open classroom for a quick prayer, Aiden could have reported that one of his students was being abused by a parent, which is something that, as a teacher, he would have been required to do in the first place. (Instead, that subplot is abandoned after Aiden is fired.) As well, to win the case, all Joseph T. Herrington had to do was 1) point out that Aiden had admitted to leading a prayer in school and 2) call to the stand a Constitutional law expert to explain the establishment clause. Instead, Herrington puts the entire concept of prayer on trial and tries to argue that praying doesn’t work. It’s an argument based purely on emotion and bias, which allows Michael to make a counter-argument that’s based purely on emotion and bias. At one point, Michael interrogates the school’s principal as to why he was willing to defend a transgender teacher but not Aiden’s right to pray. The correct answer, of course, is that whether or not another teacher is transgender has nothing to do with Aiden’s case and that the Supreme Court has ruled that prayer is not allowed in public schools. That’s really all anyone needed to say to any of Michael’s arguments but no one does because, if they did, it would be a very short film.

(Along with the dubious legal arguments, this film annoyed me because Aiden didn’t ever bother to shave or comb his hair before the trail began. I mean, seriously, did someone tell him that it was a good strategy to go to court looking like you spend the previous week sleeping in the back of a pickup truck? I would not want him coaching my school’s basketball team.)

On the plus side, Eric Roberts is in this movie. He plays the judge and goes through the film with a bemused smile on his face, as if even he can’t believe the legal arguments that he’s hearing. It’s always nice to see Eric Roberts picking up a paycheck.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed: