Tag Archives: Fred Grandy

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.7 “The Horse Lover/Secretary to the Stars/Julie’s Decision/Gopher and Isaac Buy a Horse/Village People Ride Again”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, they’re expecting you!

Episode 4.7 “The Horse Lover/Secretary to the Stars/Julie’s Decision/Gopher and Isaac Buy a Horse/Village People Ride Again”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 22nd, 1980)

Well, let’s see who is sailing on the Love Boat this week….

Uh-oh.

That’s right!  This week, The Village People are taking a cruise!  The disco group boards the boat while singing — you guessed it — In The Navy.  Captain Stubing is a huge fan of the Village People and he’s excited to learn that they will not only be sailing on the boat but they will also be performing their new song, Magic Night.  Stubing mentions that he wishes he could be a village person.  He’s already got a hat!  And he’s served in the Navy!  Stubing never gets around to whether or not he spent the night at YMCA and that’s probably a good thing.

This week, the boat is sailing to Acapulco for the Acapulco Steeplechase.  The Village People have entered a horse in the race, one that will be ridden by the Indian.  Gopher and Isaac have also bought a horse and entered it into the race.  They name the horse “Captain Stubing” and they go through a lot of trouble to keep the real Captain Stubing from finding out that they have snuck the horse on board.  The thing is, though — there are a lot of horses on board!  Nearly every passenger has brought a horse with them and the boat actually has a stable to hold them all during the cruise.  I’m not really sure why it’s a problem for Gopher and Isaac to have a horse, other than the fact that they both spend a lot of time checking in on the horse.  “Where is my crew!?” Stubing demands, while looking around the ship.

Paul Willis (Alan Ludden) is traveling with both his horse and his wife, Louise (Betty White).  Louise is upset that Paul seems to care more about the horse than her.  Louise even considers having a fling with Cliff (David Doyle), a man who wants to buy Paul’s horse.

Meanwhile, wealthy playboy Bret Garrett (Robert Stack) boards the ship and immediately falls in love with Julie.  Despite a 30-year age difference, Bret asks Julie to marry him.  This is the fourth or fifth times that a passenger has proposed to Julie during the course of a cruise.  Julie is happy but the crew worries that Bret might be too worldly and chronically unfaithful for Julie.

Finally, movie star Kim Holland (Loni Anderson) puts on glasses and a brunette wig and pretends to be an Englishwoman named Doris, all in order to keep people from bothering her on the cruise.  Tom Benson (Charles Frank) is obsessed, to an almost creepy extent, with Kim.  But then he falls in love with Doris, who he believes to be Kim’s secretary.  Tom fails to notice that 1) Doris looks just like Kim, just with glasses and brown hair and 2) Doris’s British accent doesn’t sound British at all.  Instead, it sounds like an American trying really hard to sound British.

The Steeplechase is won, rather easily, by Paul.  Both Gopher and the Indian end up getting thrown off their horses and they engage in a footrace to the finish line, for reasons that are not exactly clear.  After the race, Paul finally realizes how much he’s been neglecting Louise and he sells the horse to Cliff.  Meanwhile, Captain Stubing says that, next year, he’ll buy a horse with Gopher and Isaac and they’ll enter the horse into the race together.  As for Bret, he realizes that he’s not right with Julie and he pretends to cheat on her so that she’ll dump him.

And what about Kim?  Well, she tells Tom the truth and also reveals that her real name is June.  “Kim, Doris, June,” Tom says, “I can’t wait to get to know all three of you.”  Uhmm …. okay, not creepy at all.  Anyway, Tom and Kim leave the boat together but, right this episode ended, Kim appeared on an episode of Fantasy Island, in which she was again single and looking to escape her fame.  So, I guess she dumped Tom after a week.  Good for her!  Tom was super creepy.

Finally, all that is left to do is to say goodbye to the Village People.

This episode was an odd one.  Robert Stack was charming as Bret, even if he didn’t have much chemistry with Lauren Tewes.  Loni Anderson was fairly terrible as Kim, just as she would be on Fantasy Island.  And the Village People …. I mean, where do I even begin?  For a group associated with both disco and gay liberation, they came across as being an oddly dull collection of characters.  Of course, it’s doubtful that the target audience of The Love Boat knew what In The Navy was about or even understood why the members of the group were costumed the way that they were.  At one point, the Construction Worker even gives Julie an appreciate glance, as if the show’s producers were saying, “See, those rumors are just rumors!”

That said, I tend to like the odd episodes of The Love Boat and this episode functioned as a time capsule, if nothing else.  All it needed was Charo and it could have been put in a museum!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, the Vamp/The Offer”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s a special two-hour episode of The Love Boat!

Episodes 4.5 and 4.6 “The Mallory Quest/Julie, The Vamp/The Offer”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 15th, 1980)

This week, The Love Boat heads off on a two-week cruise that will take the ship, its crew, and its passengers through the Panama Canal.  There will also be stops at all the various islands on the way.  This is important because this is one of the episodes that was actually filmed on location.  Instead of the usual sets, we get to watch the action play out on an actual cruise ship.

Unfortunately, the actual cruise ship is kind of …. well, tacky.  Seriously, it’s hard not to notice that the hallways and the front lobby all look considerably more cramped and weathered than they have in other episodes of The Love Boat.  It’s also hard not to notice that the extras (who were apparently actual passengers) are all considerably older than the usual Love Boat background actors.

In fact, with the ship in such disrepair, it is any shocked that Captain Stubing is thinking of leaving?  When his old friend, Charlie (Dick Van Patten), boards the ship, he brings him a job offer.  If Stubing accepts the offer, he’ll be living in New York, he’ll be making three times the money, and Vicki will get to have a normal life.  Stubing loves the sea but he also wants Vicki to have a good future.  Vicki — in a scene that was well-acted by both Jill Whelan and Gavin MacLeod — tells him not to worry about her and that he needs to do what makes him happy.  And so, the Captain stays with the boat and I presume Vicki will continue to be taught by the tutor that we occasionally hear about but never actually see.

Meanwhile, Julie McCoy has been accused of being a vamp!  Maude Victor (Lani O’Grady) is convinced that Julie is trying to steal her fiancé, Roger (Bart Braverman).  Eventually, Roger himself become confused and Julie pretends to be interested in Roger just to get Roger and Maude back together again.  This was a dumb story and I don’t want to waste any more time on it.

Indeed, for all the Stubing drama and Julie silliness, this two-hour episode was dominated by one story.  Arrogant novelist Brian Mallory (Pernell Roberts) boards the boat with his long-suffering wife, Janet (Gayle Hunnicutt).  Brian has secretly bought tickets for three other passengers.  Peter (Skip Stephenson) is an insurance agent who is due to donate a kidney to his brother.  Marvin (Jimmie Walker) owns a bookstore.  Marcia Rand (Connie Stevens) brings along her fitness-obsessed boyfriend, Dave Porter (Peter Lupus).  Mallory reveals that Peter, Marvin, Marcia, and Gopher were the last four people to see his nephew, Tom.  Mallory has never met his nephew but he wants to track him down and apparently, Tom is living on one of the islands that the cruise is scheduled to visit.  Brian wants the four of them to help him look for Tom and he offers a $10,000 reward to make things interesting.  Why does Brian want to find his nephew?  Eventually, it is revealed that Tom is in possession of a family heirloom that Brian feels is rightfully his.  Sinister Lucius Kergo (Sorrell Brooke) is also on the cruise and he is determined to get the heirloom for himself.

Janet grows so tired of Brian’s arrogance and his obsession with finding his nephew that she declares that she’s leaving him.  Since the cruise is booked up, she ends up staying with Doc Bricker.  Doc falls for Janet but he realizes that she truly loves Brian and, when Brian starts to show some humility and some remorse for the way that he’s treated her, Doc encourages her to go back to him …. which she does because this is The Love Boat, not The Divorce Boat.

Anyway, Tom Mallory is eventually tracked down to a monastery in Puerto Rico.  Tom gives Brian the heirloom but the newly kind Brian gives it back to him so that he can sell it and use the money to build a free clinic.  Good for Brian!

Disheveled cruise ship aside and ignoring that terrible Julie plot, this was a fun episode.  The island scenery was gorgeous and the mystery of Tom’s location actually turned out to be a lot more intriguing than I was expecting it would.  Watching this episode made me want to take a cruise, even if it is a tacky one.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.4 “Target Gopher/The Major’s Wife/Strange Honeymoon/The Oilman Cometh”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is all about simple misunderstandings that could be easily cleared up by people just not acting stupid for a few seconds.  Unfortunately, that’s too much to ask.

Episode 4.4 “Target Gopher/The Major’s Wife/Strange Honeymoon/The Oilman Cometh”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 8th, 1980)

Lo and beware!  Here comes the idiot plot!

As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, there’s nothing that bothers me more than an idiot plot.  That is when a TV show — usually a sitcom — builds an entire episode out of a misunderstanding that could be easily cleared up by everyone just not being an idiot.  These are the type of episodes where everyone talks over each other and runs off before they can get a full explanation of what’s happening.  They are frustrating to watch.

This episode of The Love Boat has not just one idiot plot but several of them.  I usually love this show but this episode made me cringe from start to finish.

Consider:

Oilman Mason Fleers (Dale Robertson) has chartered the boat for his company.  He is not only giving everyone a free cruise but he hopes that he’ll be able to sign a big oil deal with Prince Hassan (Pat Harrington, Jr.), who is excited to see the ocean because “my country is covered in sand.”  Mason has arranged for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders (playing themselves) to provide entertainment.  Even though the cheerleaders were on the ship last season, everyone acts as if this is the first time they’ve ever seen them.  Doc Bricker is especially excited to see them, even though it’s debatable that a glamorous NFL cheerleader from a land-locked city would ever fall for a middle-aged guy who works on a boat for a living.

Prince Hassan boards the boat looking for a new wife.  (He already has several but he specifically wants an American.)  When Mason’s assistant, Ted (David Cassidy, with a rather unflattering mustache), attempts to give Prince Hassan the gift of a computerized chess game, Prince Hassan thinks that Ted is actually giving him Ted’s girlfriend, Janet (Janet Gunn).  Prince Hassan thinks that Janet will be his new wife and he immediately makes plans for the marriage ceremony to take place on the boat.  Ted, Captain Stubing, and Janet could clear all this up by telling Prince Hassan the truth but instead, they just try to hide Janet from him.  And then Ted decides that maybe he could win Janet back from the Prince.

One word for all of this: Idiot.

Mason, for his part, falls for one of the cheerleaders (Jayne Ann Maxwell), and pressures her to spend time along with him.  Jayne reacts to this by randomly declaring her love for Gopher.  Gopher plays along so Mason decides to get revenge by walking up behind Gopher, surprising Gopher, and then collapsing to the deck and pretending that Gopher knocked him out.  Gopher is suspended from his duties while the cruise line investigates.  There were plenty of people on the deck at the time but no one steps forward to say that Mason clearly faked getting hit.  Or maybe someone could point out that Mason has spent the entire cruise harassing a cheerleader who is not interested in him.  But no one does.  Why?

Because this is an idiot plot.

Walter Henson (Al Corley) was planning on spending his honeymoon on the cruise but then he found out his wife-to-be cheated on him.  He left her at the altar.  He still takes the cruise but he brings his brother, Hud (Mark Pinter), with him.  When Doc, Isaac, and Gopher learn that Hud and Walter are both in the honeymoon suite, they assume that they’re a couple and, because this episode is 44 years old, start giving each other funny looks.  It doesn’t occur to anyone that Walter and Hud might have the same last name because they’re related.  When Hud falls for a cheerleader, he continually makes excuses to keep her from finding out that he’s traveling with his brother.  Why?

IDIOT PLOT!

Major Ross Latham (Robert Culp) boards the boat with his shy and modest wife, Nara (Nobu McCarthy).  Surprise!  Gloria Beaumont (Jo Ann Pflug) is also on the boat.  She and the major are old friends and soon, they’re spending all of their time together.  Julie and Vicki assume that Gloria is trying to steal Ross away from Nara.  Nara doesn’t suspect a thing.

Idiot.  Plot.

Needless to say, everything work out in the end but this episode leaned way too heavily on everyone being an idiot.  The Love Boat should be entertaining, not frustrating.  This was one of those episodes that just left me wanting to jump overboard.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.2 and 4.3 “The Family Plan/The Promoter/May The Best Man Win/Forever Engaged/The Jurors”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat heads to the Virgin Islands in a special two-hour episode!

(For syndication purposes, this episode is technically listed as being two episodes.)

Episode 4.2 and 4.3 “The Family Plan/The Promoter/May The Best Man Win/Forever Engaged/The Jurors”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 1st, 1980)

One of the cool things about The Love Boat is that, at least once per season, the cast and crew would actually film on location on an actual cruise.  You can always spot these episodes by the fact that they’re usually two-hours long, there’s more passengers than usual, and the guest stars tend to spend more time on the upper deck than in their cabins.  It may not sound like much but there’s just something undeniably fun about seeing the actual ocean while the ship’s crew and the show’s guest stars go through the motions.  It’s a reminder that we live on a beautiful planet and we should all make the effort to go out and see some of it.

The fourth season’s location shoot followed the boat as it sailed from the Virgin Islands to Los Angeles, with stops in Curacao, Venezuela, and Panama.  Along with all of the usual romance and laughs, this episode is a bit of a travelogue as Gopher, Julie, and the Captain all take their turn telling the passengers about the history of where they are sailing.  Isaac even gets into the act, pointing out the Virgin Islands to Doc Bricker.  (Being the walking HR nightmare that he is, Bricker can’t hear that name without making a comment about it.)  For a history and travel nerd like me, that was enough to make this episode fun.

As for the storylines, it was typical Love Boat silliness.  Promoter Larry Evans (Darren McGavin) is promoting a contest in which 50 engages couples will be married by Captain Stubing in a mass wedding aboard the ship.  (It’s kind of like what happens in cults, now that I think about it.)  One lucky couple will win money, a house, and a car.  Larry boards the ship with his wife, Sheila (Debbie Reynolds) and it quickly becomes apparent that their marriage is struggling, despite the happy facade that Larry attempts to put up.  When Larry’s plan for a network television special falls through, he’s offered a bribe by one of the engaged couples.  When Sheila learns that Larry is considering taking the bribe, she announces that she wants a divorce and then starts spending a lot of time with Captain Stubing.  Again, Vicki gets her hopes up that she’ll soon have a stepmother.

Meanwhile, Carl Lawrence (Peter Graves) boards the ship to try to keep his son, Ted (Brian Kerwin), from rushing into a marriage with Carrie (Erin Moran).  Meanwhile, Carrie’s mother, Mary Ann (Kathie Browne), boards to keep Carrie from rushing into a marriage with Ted.  Carl and Mary Ann are eager to work together to keep this wedding from happening.  But then Carl and Mary Ann fall in love and start planning a rushed wedding of their own.  “Are we hypocrites?” Carl wonders.  Yes, you are.  But you’re also Peter Graves so you can pretty much do whatever you want.

Tom McMann (Ted Knight) and Mary Hubble (Rue McClanahan) have been engaged for ten years.  Mary fears that Tom won’t go actually go through with the wedding and Tom suddenly finds himself unable to say the words, “I do.”  Can Isaac help them out?

Marv Prine (Don Most), who previously sailed on last season’s Alaskan cruise, boards as the best man for the wedding of his friend Brian (Lloyd Alan) and Emily (Charlene Tilton).  However, Brian decides he’d rather run off with an old girlfriend and he leaves it to Marv to break the news to Emily.  Marv can’t bring himself to do it so he keeps making excuses and promising Emily that Brian will meet them at the next port.  Marv falls in love with Emily but suddenly, Brian shows up.  When he finds out that Marv didn’t tell Emily the truth about him standing her up, Brian decides to go ahead with the wedding.  Emily becomes convinced that Marv was trying to steal her away from Brian but then she finds a receipt from a cheap hotel and she realizes the truth.  “You’re not a man,” Julie tells Brian.  WAY TO GO, JULIE!

Finally, the Captain assigns Doc Bricker the task of judging the couples contest.  Doc thinks that it sounds tedious so he passes the job onto Gopher.  However, when Doc sees that the other two judges are Valerie (Dawn Wells) and Rena (Ann Jillian), he conspires to take Gopher’s place.  While docked at Curacao, Doc sends Gopher assure to pick up some medical supplies.  Gopher, of course, walks up to a cop and asks for help finding “the drugs.”  When the cop doesn’t understand, Gopher says, “I want to buy drugs.”  Long story short, Gopher ends up in jail and the ship sails off without him.

Wow, that’s a lot to deal with!  But don’t worry it all works out.

Gopher meets a Spanish diplomat’s daughter and is not only freed from jail but he also gets a girlfriend and a limo for his trouble.  When the ship docks in Los Angeles, Valerie and Rena abandon Doc so that they can take a ride in Gopher’s new limo.

Larry does not take the bribe and saves his marriage.

Everyone else gets married.

Yay!  A happy ending!  Except, of course, for Vicki, who thought she was going to get a stepmother.  But don’t worry, Vicki. There’s still 6 more seasons to go.

This was a fun episode.  It made me want to take a cruise.  Interestingly enough, this is also a prophetic episode.  A cruise for engaged couples in which one couple wins a big prize?  Today, there’s not a network around that would pass on that.

See?  The Love Boat knew exactly where America sailing.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.1 “Sergeant Bull/Friends and Lovers/Miss Mother”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, come aboard for season 4!

Episode 4.1 “Sergeant Bull/Friends and Lovers/Miss Mother”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on October 25th, 1980)

Well, it’s time for the fourth season of The Love Boat and let’s see who is going to be taking a cruise this week….

Hey, we know that guy!

Yes, it’s a young Tom Hanks, making one of his first television appearances on The Love Boat.  Tom had a sitcom coming out so ABC decided to promote the then-unknown actor by giving him a guest role on one of their most popular series.

Who does Tom play?  He plays a complete a total douchebag named Rick Martin, a former fraternity brother of Gopher’s who enjoys giving Gopher a hard time about his reputation for being “Strike-Out Smith.”  Rick makes Gopher feel so uncomfortable that Gopher impulsively claims that Julie is his girlfriend.  Julie plays along with Gopher.  This not only leads to sleazy Rick trying to steal Julie away from Gopher but it also causes Julie and Gopher to have real feelings for each other.

Yes, it is interesting to watch Tom Hanks play a sleaze but what is even more interesting, for longtime watchers of the show, is that Julie and Gopher make a surprisingly credible couple.  They actually do have a very likable chemistry together and it never seems improbable that they might end up together.  Of course, in the end, they decide to just stay friends because anything else would have upset the balance of the show.

Tom’s presence overshadows the rest of the show but there are two other stories to deal with.  Vic Tayback plays a former dill sergeant who reunites with his former recruits (Nipsey Russell, Harvey Lembeck, and Jack Somack) and who turns out to still be such a hardass that they bribe their cabin stewardess (Doris Roberts) to pursue a romance with him.  Of course, the two of them fall in love for real.  This was all a bit silly and Tayback’s drill sergeant was a bit annoying but it was nice to see him drop his guard around Doris Roberts and admit that he was only acting like a drill sergeant because that was all he had ever been.

Finally, Gwen Hutchins (Shelley Smith) boards the boat and tells Doc Bricker that she is two-months pregnant.

“Your husband must be very proud!” Doc replies, without missing a beat.

No, Gwen explains, she’s not married.  Once again, we are reminded that Doc is a walking HR nightmare.

Anyway, Gwen falls for a guy named Dennis (Dennis Cole) but she worries how Dennis will react to learning that she’s pregnant.  At first, Dennis does not react well, even asking her if she considered getting an abortion.  (She explains that she doesn’t support abortion, which definitely would not fly if this episode were made today.)  It all works out in the end but, seriously, I think she deserves better than Dennis.  Dennis Cole is an actor who I have seen in quite a few of these shows and he always seem kind of lost.  That was certainly the vibe that he gave off here.

This was an entertaining-enough episode, though almost all of the credit for that goes to the presence of Tom Hanks and the likable chemistry between Fred Grandy and Lauren Tewes.  It was definitely a good way to start off the fourth season.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.28 “No Girls for Doc/Marriage of Convenience/The Caller/The Witness”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the third season of The Love Boat comes to a conclusion with an extra-long episode!

Episode 3.28 “No Girls for Doc/Marriage of Convenience/The Caller/The Witness”

(Dir by Gordon Farr and Richard Kinon, originally aired on May 3rd, 1980)

The finale of The Love Boat‘s third season features stage legend and two-time Oscar winner, Helen Hayes.  Hayes was considered to be such a big “get” for the show that she receives the zoom lens treatment when she steps onto the ship and all of the action seems to stop for a few minutes, presumably so the audience at home can give her a standing ovation.

Personally, I think Helen Hayes was pretty cool.  Along with being a hell of an actress (one whose career extended for over six decades), she was also the wife of Charles MacArthur, an acquaintance of the Algonquin round table, an outspoken Republican, a strong supporter of many charities, and a major benefactor of the Helen Hayes Hospital, a rehabilitation clinic in New York that has made major strides in treating physical disabilities.  To say that there are people in the world who can walk because of Helen Hayes is not hyperbole.

That said, Helen Hayes’s story is the dullest one on this cruise.  It’s not Hayes’s fault.  She is her usual outspoken and likable self.  It’s just the storyline itself doesn’t offer up much in the way of drama or comedy.  Hayes plays Agatha Winslow, a widow who was married to a friend of Stubing’s.  Stubing asks Julie to set Agatha up with someone but then they see Agatha hugging a younger man and Julie says that it won’t be necessary.

AGCK!  I HOPE NOT!  The younger man is played Helen Hayes’s son, James MacArthur!

No worries.  MacArthur is playing Scott Burgess, who is Agatha’s nephew.  Scott is a member of the protestant clergy who has never married because he feels that he has to take care of Agatha.  Scott and Beatrice Dale (Mildred Natwick) hope that Agatha will fall in love with and marry Beatrice’s brother, a businessman named Hollister (Maurice Evans).  Hollister owns a carpet company and he spends most of the episode look down at and commenting on the quality of the ship’s floor.  Agatha does not marry Hollister but she does realize that it’s time for her to move on and live her own life.  It’s all very pleasant but not very extremely interesting.

Far more interesting is the story of Gail Padgett (Christopher Norris), a woman who is boarding the ship because she needs to get away from her landline phone.  As she explains to Julie, someone has been calling and harassing her for months.  At no point does Julie suggest what I would suggest, which is that Gail should call the cops.  Indeed, when Gail starts to get calls on the boat, Julie never suggests calling the police or going to the captain or anything else.  Instead, Gail tells her stalker that she’ll meet him at the Pirate’s Cove Bar.  She tells Julie that she has a plan to humiliate him.  And again, you would think Julie might say, “How about we just arrest him when he comes in the bar?”  But instead, Julie smiles.  It’s the Love Boat!  No one is murdered on The Love Boat!  (Not yet, anyway.)

Gail’s stalker is a nerdy fellow named Melvin, who is played by a young Martin Short.  Before Melvin can arrive, Gail is approached by Jack Stander (Larry Breeding).  “Hi, I’m Robert Redford,” Jack says before admitting that he’s not Robert Redford and that he spent hours coming up with that opening line.  Thinking that Jack is her stalker, Gail takes Jack to her cabin where she get him to undress and then tosses all of his clothes out the porthole.  So now, Gail has not only flirted with and then stood up her stalker but she’s also committed theft.  WAY TO GO, GAIL!

Anyway, Gail eventually realizes that Jack is not her stalker and they fall in love.  Melvin is eventually revealed to be the caller but everyone laughs it off because he’s so nerdy.  (Because we all know how harmless nerdy stalkers are….)  This was a really weird story but, despite the stupidity of their characters, Christopher Norris and Larry Breeding made for a cute, likably vapid couple.

Maybe Gail should have gone to Wayne Dobson (Larry Wilcox) for help.  Wayne is an uptight assistant D.A. who has spent the last two months in a hotel room with Pat Bigelow (Catherine Bach), a witness to a crime who is in protective custody.  Even when Pat boards the cruise, Wayne has to come with her and stay in an adjoining cabin.  Pat is annoyed but she understand that Wayne is just doing his job. 

However, Wayne has fallen in love with Pat and he is upset to receive a telegram saying that the crooks have decided to plead guilty and that Pat can be released from protective custody.  Isaac, who was perhaps a bit too excited when he earlier thought Wayne was a male gigolo who was being paid to escort Pat, suggests that Wayne just lie and not let Pat know that her life is no longer in danger.  Wayne agrees and Isaac takes Wayne off to give him a makeover that will be so impressive that Pat will fall in love with him and reject notorious Love Boat lothario Mark Bridges (John McCook).

(Of course, any relationship that Wayne and Pat could ever have would be built on lies but whatever….)

Pat does fall for Wayne, though less because of the makeover and more because Wayne finally stops being so uptight.  She’s a bit miffed when she finds out that Wayne has been lying to her but she forgives him easily because this is The Love Boat.

Finally, after a night of skinny dipping leads to him losing his clothes and money, Doc announces that he’s through with women.  (And again, it doesn’t seem to occur to anyone that maybe Doc should call the police.)  That should be a relief to the crew because Doc really is a lawsuit waiting to happen.  Instead, they takes bets on how long it will take Doc to go back on his word.  It doesn’t take long.  Any story that centered around Doc being a Casanova just felt silly.  Bernie Kopell was likable as Doc but he was also a bit too naturally mild-mannered to be believable as a legendary lothario.

And so ends the third season of The Love Boat.  Vicki is now firmly a member of the crew.  Julie has given up on finding love.  Isaac and Gopher are as silly as ever.  And Doc is going to get the cruise line sued.  The 90-minute finale was a bit overextended and had some weak story elements but, overall, the third season was a lot of fun.  

Next week …. SEASON 4!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 3.27 “Invisible Maniac/September Song/Peekaboo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat has a very special passengers!

Episode 3.27 “Invisible Maniac/September Song/Peekaboo”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on April 19th, 1980)

This week, the pop cultural stars align as a young David Hasselhoff boards the Love Boat!

Hasselhoff plays Tom Bell, a 20-something attorney who is dating a 30-something attorney named Cathy (Shelley Fabares).  Cathy insists that they keep their romance a secret due to the age difference.  She doesn’t want people to think that she’s a cradle robber or an older woman with a gigolo.  (Cathy might also want to consider that she’s a senior partner at the firm while Tom is just a junior partner.)  Tom doesn’t care about the age difference.  In fact, he wants to marry Cathy!

And yes, they do eventually get married.  Tom even has his grandparents waiting for them when the boat docks in Los Angeles so that they can act as witnesses.  There’s not really any suspense as to whether or not Tom and Cathy will end up married because this is The Love Boat, the show that combined the swinging culture of the 70s with the morality of the 50s.  The Hoff is his usual dramatic but self-aware self while Shelley Fabares is endlessly likable.  They’re a cute couple and, minor age difference aside, they just look like they belong together.  It was a sweet story.

As for the other passengers:

Fay Piermont (Peggy Cass) is married to Bill (Gordon Jump).  Bill’s a nice guy but Fay fears that they’ve become a boring couple.  She wants to be an exciting couple and she’s figured out that the way to do this is to get a makeover, buy a new wardrobe, and then toss her glasses and all of her frumpy clothes overboard.  (At first, both Julie and Vicki are worried that Fay is planning on throwing herself overboard.  One would think that would be cause for ship-wide alarm but Julie and Vicki just check on Fay occasionally to make sure she’s still alive.)  At first, Bill is freaked out by Fay’s new attitude but, eventually, he comes to accept it and Fay comes to realize that she loves Bill, even if he is a bit reserved.  This is the type of story that The Love Boat did frequently.  Fay and Bill are a nice couple, even if they’re no Tom and Cathy.

Finally, Isaac is reunited with a former high school classmate, a model named Janet (BernNadette Stanis).  Janet is upset that her husband (Clifton Davis) is more into sports than romance so she tries to make him jealous by lying about what a womanizer Isaac was in high school.  Gopher overhears and tells Isaac that Janet referred to him as being “all hands” in high school.  Now, most people would understand that Janet was just trying to make her husband jealous but Isaac somehow becomes convinced that he is a womanizer but he just can’t remember his actions because he suffers from dissociative identity disorder and he even goes to Doc Bricker for help!  Why would Isaac believe that?  It makes no sense that Isaac — cool, calm Isaac — would suddenly be so stupid.  This is something that would happen to Gopher not Isaac.

That one silly storyline aside, this was a pleasant cruise on The Love Boat.  I’m glad things worked out for Tom and Cathy.  Seriously, the world is so lucky to have The Hoff.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 3.26 “Vicki’s First Love/The High Cost of Living/Accident Prone”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat promises something for everyone!

Episode 3.26 “Vicki’s First Love/The High Cost of Loving/Accident Prone”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on April 5th, 1980)

It’s not easy growing up on a cruise ship.  That was one of the main takeaways that I took from this week’s episode of The Love Boat.  Vicki is really excited when singer Mark Redding (Rex Smith) boards the ship.  She has a huge crush on him and she even gets to give him a tour of the boat.

Of course, despite his teen idol status, Mark is an adult and famous and being pursued by almost every woman on the ship.  Vicki feels insecure compared to the other women who are pursuing Mark.  (Of course, those women are all in their 20s while Vicki is 12.)  Eventually, Captain Stubing has one of his fatherly conversations with her and Vicki realizes that she doesn’t have to grow up quickly.  It’s a simple storyline but it’s nicely performed by both Jill Whelan and Gavin MacLeod and, speaking as someone who wanted to be an adult when she was 12, I could relate to Vicki’s feelings.  I was also glad that Mark turned out to be not a sleazy rock star, even if he was a bit superficial.  The Love Boat is a place for romance, not debauchery.

As for the other two storylines, one featured Steve Kanaly as Mr. Massey, a wealthy man who is paying a former lover palimony.  At his lawyer’s insistence, he boards the boat with a series of contracts.  Before he get involved with any woman, he is supposed to get her to sign an agreement not to sue him for palimony.  Needless to say, this does not make Massey’s romantic life easy.  Finally, he decides to forget about the contract, just for his shipboard hook-up to present him with a contract of her own.  Apparently, everyone’s scared of getting sued!

Speaking of getting sued, Tom Barry (Alan Feinstein) boards the boat with a broken leg and is shocked to discover that the bad driver responsible for the accident that injured him is on the boat as well!  Karen (Britt Ekland) is a bit accident-prone but, despite the awkwardness of their first meeting, Tom and Karen fall in love.  Tom even agrees to not sue her.  Yay!  I love a happy ending.

This was an enjoyable episode of The Love Boat.  With the exception of Tom and Karen’ story, there really wasn’t much romance.  There was just Vicki feeling insecure but coming to realize that she was just fine the way she was and then there was Mr. Massey trying to balance getting laid with remaining legally safe.  But the Vicki storyline was sensitive and intelligent while the Mr. Massey storyline featured some nice comedic desperation from Steve Kanaly.  Even Alan Feinstein and Britt Ekland had a really likable chemistry.  All in all, this was a pleasant cruise.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.25 “Celebration/Captain Papa/Honeymoon Pressure”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, an important question is finally answered!

Episode 3.25 “Celebration/Captain Papa/Honeymoon Pressure”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 29th, 1980)

Ever since Vicki first came aboard the ship, I have been wondering how exactly a 12 year-old can live (and apparently work) on an ocean liner.  One of my main questions has concerned how she is getting an education while sailing back and forth to Mexico.

With this episode, I finally got my answer.  When social worker Susan Stoddard (Lois Nettleton) boards the ship to decide whether or not to recommend that the Captain be given custody of Vicki, one of the first question that she asks is about school.

“Chief Petty Officer Dooley has a master’s in education,” Stubing replies, before saying that this never-before-mentioned character served as Vicki’s tutor.

Well, I’m glad that’s been cleared up.  Still, it is interesting that we’ve never before seen or even heard of this Dooley character.  We don’t even see Dooley in this episode.  You would think the social worker would want to talk to the person who is in charge of Vicki’s education.  Instead, Susan sees the rest of the crew, all of whom try to be on their best behavior in order to convince her that the Love Boat is not the floating HR nightmare that we all know it is.

(Still, at least the crew tried.  I’m surprised Doctor Bricker didn’t just try to sleep with her or something….)

This would be a really depressing episode of the Captain wasn’t awarded custody.  Luckily, Susan is so impressed by the crew that she says she will definitely file a positive report.  As she put it, Vicki not only has one wonderful parent.  She has “Five wonderful parents!”  Let’s see — Stubing, Julie, Gopher, Isaac, Doc …. yep, that’s five.  I’m sure Chief Petty Officer Dooley appreciates being left out of the group.

Isaac has more to worry about than just Captain Stubing’s situation.  Isaac is convinced that an old man named Gordon (Noah Beery, Jr.) is bank robber!  Gordon, who works as a bank guard at the port, is sailing on the Love Boat with his wife of 30 years, Betty (Alice Faye).  Gordon is spending a lot of money.  Isaac worries that Gordon stole the money but actually, it turns out that Gordon is just spending his life savings because his wife is in poor health and he wants to make sure that she has a wonderful vacation.  Unfortunately, Gordon spends too much on a diamond ring.  His wife, realizing what Gordon has done, secretly exchanges the ring for a cheaper one and tells her husband that she doesn’t need a life of luxury.  She just needs him.  Awwwwwww!  What a sweet old couple.

Finally, there are two real criminals on the boat.  Ralph (Norman Alden) and Ben (Richard Bakalyan) are two mob enforces who have been sent to accompany the boss’s daughter (Eve Plumb) on her honeymoon with her un-connected husband, Mark (Sal Viscuso).  Ralph and Ben’s presence makes Mark so uncomfortable that he can’t even consummate his marriage.  Ralph and Ben try to make things romantic for the couple.  Eventually, Doc Bricker tells the gangsters that Mark has a fictional disease, which causes Ralph and Ben to back off.  The married couple finally gets to celebrate their honeymoon.  But Mark still married into a mafia family so he’ll probably be machine-gunned as soon as he steps off the boat.

With the exception of the stupid Mafia story, this was a sweet episode.  I’m glad things worked out for the old couple and for Vicki and the Captain.  The Love Boat is not really a show that you watch for the acting but Gavin MacLeod’s natural sincerity always served him well whenever the show focused on his role as Vicki’s father.  Plus, I no longer have to worry about whether or not Vicki is going to have more than a sixth grade education.  So that’s a good thing.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.24 “Dumb Luck/Tres Amigos/Hey, Jealous Lover”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The week, the crew is surprisingly incompetent.

Episode 3.24 “Dumb Luck/Tres Amigos/Hey, Jealous Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on March 15th, 1980)

The members of the crew really disappointed me this week.

For instance, Gertrude (Jayne Meadows) and Milton Benson (James Gregory) are on the cruise.  Gertrude is friendly and tries to talk to everyone.  Whenever Milton sees any man talking to his wife, he flies into a jealous rage and threatens them.  The crew reacts to this not by telling Milton to calm down but instead, by hiding whenever they see Milton or Gertrude on the boat.  They’re terrified of Milton and yet, somehow, members of the crew keep ending up in the cabin with Gertrude.

Finally, at the end of the cruise, Milton shows up at the captain’s cabin and …. OH MY GOD, HE’S GOT A GUN!  Goper, Doc, Isaac, and Stubing all end up diving to the floor.  Milton explains that he acts jealous because he wants his wife to still feel as if she’s as desirable as the day they first met.  He also says that he’s giving the gun to Stubing as a gift to thank him for the enjoyable cruise.

Later, as she prepares to leave the ship, Gertrude tells Gopher and Isaac that she knows that Milton can be jealous so she specifically dresses as drably as possible so that he won’t have to worry about any other men hitting on her.  In the name of love, she tries to look ugly and he acts like a homicidal lunatic.  Well, whatever works for them!  They seemed to be happy together.  Still, it must be said that the crew could have handled the whole situation better.  Hiding in hallways and under desks is not what I expect from an experienced group of sailors.

Meanwhile, Julie’s friend, Carol Ketay (Shelley Hack), is on the cruise.  Carol is a nuclear physicist and a member of a think tank.  Julie is worried that men are intimidated by Carol being too smart.  Julie also mentions that she’s never had that problem.  Julie takes Carol aside and tell her that she needs to learn how to “talk dumb” if she wants to get a man.  After borrowing a dress from Julie, Carol goes out of her way to sound like an idiot and she immediately catches the attention of Chris (Kevin Tighe).  Chris and Carol have a great time on the ship but Carol is shocked to learn that Chris doesn’t want to date her on dry land because he thinks she’s too dumb.  Carol reveals that she’s actually a nuclear physicist and they leave the boat arm-in-arm.  Good for them!  Julie really gave terrible advice but then again, I think she just wanted her friend to get laid.  She wasn’t really that concerned with Carol getting a long-term relationship.

Finally, Vicki gets to do something this cruise.  She befriends Keith (Ronnie Scribner), the young son of Alice (Jennifer Darling) and Floyd Gaines (John Gabriel).  While exploring the ship, Vicki and Keith meet a young stowaway named Luis (Tony Ramirez).  Though Vicki is not enthused about hiding a stowaway from her father, she still takes a blood oath and promises to protect Luis.  (This would be ground for Vicki being fired if she was actually a paid member of the crew as opposed to just someone who pretends tp have a job.)  As for Keith, he steals $200 from his parents and gives it to Luis.  His parents freak out when they can’t find the money and they accuse the crew of robbing them!  (The crew can’t even handle a jealous husband.  How are they going to steal $200?)  While searching for the money, Gopher and Julie discover Luis.

So, I guess Luis is going into the juvenile justice system, right?  No, not on The Love Boat!  Keith’s parents allow Luis to have the money and Stubing and Vicki pay for Luis’s ticket so Luis is no longer a stowaway.  This storyline was okay.  All of the kids were natural actors so things never got overly cutesy.  That said, I can’t help that notice that a lot of people have stowed away on the ship over the years.  Captain Stubing might want to talk to his crew about that.

Next week …. an agent of Child Protective Services takes a cruise.  Look out, Vicki!