Film Review: Snake Eater III: His Law (1992, dir. George Erschbamer)

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

I don’t know what happened here. In Snake Eater we have a ridiculous movie where an ex-special forces cop named Soldier (Lorenzo Lamas) fights rednecks. In Snake Eater II, Soldier fights a war against drugs from inside a mental hospital. Those movies both came out in 1989. This was released in 1992. From the first scene it’s night and day. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of similarities to the first two films, but it’s also so different, and better. Still bad, but better than the first two.

First off, it’s like those first two movies never happened. He doesn’t start out in the mental hospital he was left in at the end of the second film. However, just like those two movies, Soldier gets himself put on suspension from the force inside of a few minutes. In the first film, it was cheesy, sleazy, and corny, but okay. In the second film, it was a stupid rampage. But in this film, it’s a humorous little scene that I actually enjoyed that gets him suspended. A guy is trying to rob a diner when Soldier walks by and sees what’s happening. He goes in pretending like he wanted to rob the place, but that this guy had beat him to the punch. He warms up to the guy, then takes him down. In the process he scares the lady who works behind the counter and that’s what puts him on suspension.

I guess I would be scared too if a guy was doing this to me when another guy showed up and also pointed a gun at me.

Luckily, Soldier thrives on suspension. This time a family comes forward inquiring about his services. They want him to track down the bikers who kidnapped, raped, and generally traumatized their daughter so much that she walks over to the table where Soldier is sitting and starts pulling down her panties thinking that’s what she’s supposed to do. That’s some messed up stuff. That character is the big detraction for this movie. It’s just too much for what otherwise is more light hearted and humorous.

Soldier now seeks out a guy we will just refer to as Roy Rogers. He’s even listed as Cowboy on IMDb and if he had a name in the movie, I didn’t care, and still don’t. Roy is a private detective and Soldier wants to join forces with him to track down these bikers. Of course a humorous brawl ensues. Same thing happened in the first film in a bar, but this time it’s more enjoyable.

Roy Rogers (Minor Mustain)

Soldier never hits a girl, but he’ll gladly throw her out a window.

Stay right there, please!

The main connection to this gang is a man named Goose (Scott Bigelow). At this point, I have to point out that there are at least two scenes where guys just pee outside. Once in a parking lot and the other time Roy does it just outside a house. However, the movie gets a pass on the second peeing. That’s because Soldier electrifies Goose’s toilet so that it’s his final piss. Obviously, that toilet was out of commission.

This movie should be straightforward with Soldier working his way up the ladder till he takes down the bikers at their gang headquarters. That happens, but along the way that poor girl who drops trow for any guy keeps getting kidnapped. It happens at least twice and she is clearly raped and/or molested both times. It’s not only a little confusing, but too serious for this movie. At least this scene happens at the end so we know she finally got some backbone again.

She kills the bad guy to save Soldier

We see her at the end with her family and she appears like she’s going to be okay. The family offers him money, but he takes tomatoes instead. Honestly, this is better than the first two, but the girl is enough to say don’t check this out. If you must watch any of the three Snake Eater movies, then stick with the first two because as bad as they are, you can get some fun out of them. This one will make you feel uncomfortable. Just like this guy.

Film Review: Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster/Snake Eater’s Revenge (1989, dir. George Erschbamer)

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Snake Eater II

There are numerous editors on this site. Lisa Marie Bowman gets the sleazy Lifetime movies and fun SyFy monster movies. Jedadiah Leland picks and chooses interesting things to post about. pantsukudasai56 is an anime expert. Dazzling Erin gets to post pretty pictures.

I could write about fun sleazy movies like I Am Frigid… Why? (1972) with it’s tick tock clock erection scene. I could carefully pick and choose pieces to write about. I’m no anime expert, but I could do a six part series on the short-lived Ralph Bakshi adult cable animated show called Spicy City (1997). I certainly can post pretty pictures. I love to hike and take photographs. Here’s a couple of them.

But no. I write about movies like Tammy and the T-Rex or Snake Eater. Why all that lead up? It’s because this movie is so boring and barely anything happens. There is next to nothing to talk about, but let’s do what we can.

The movie begins in a club for kids that couldn’t get MacGyver as their role model so they have Soldier (Lorenzo Lamas) instead. Some role model. Didn’t they hear about his rampage against the rednecks? Anyways, some girl falls to the ground, and wouldn’t you know it by the title, bad drugs have killed her. Obviously, Soldier isn’t happy about this and decides to do something about it.

Of course, since it took going Rambo to stop rednecks, it’s gonna take C-4 and grenades to deal with some local drug dealers. Soldier does just that. He gets a knife in his back in the process. Right after that another guy shows up saying he was going to do the same thing, but is going to leave since it wouldn’t be right for him to take credit for Soldier’s work.

After that the movie gets really stupid. While on trial, Soldier is put in a mental hospital. He is soon taught by the locals who like to order Chinese food that he can come and go any time he wants. Of course, this first means he needs to do battle in a wheelchair.

I wish I was making this stuff up, but no. Now he is allowed to leave through the vents where he also happens to run into a horny girl and a pizza delivery man. The rest of the movie is break out of the hospital, attack the drug dealers, then go back to the hospital till the big guys are taken down.

That’s all they wrote folks. It ends with the comedic relief from the hospital looking through a door and then dancing in the hallway. Soldier is found innocent of his crimes by reason of insanity and confined to the hospital. I wonder if the next movie picks up there. Who knows? They resurrected The Hammer after Black Caesar (1973) for Hell Up In Harlem (1973) so anything is possible.

Cliche

Dance Fools Dance!

Let’s Talk About Zombie Shark

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Monday night, immediately following 3-Headed Shark Attack, SyFy premiered one more shark movie as a part of Shark Week. That movie was entitled Zombie Shark and it was everything that you could possibly hope for.

Zombie Shark takes place on one of those depressing island resorts that always seem to pop up in films like this. The sky is permanently overcast. The sand is kind of gray. There aren’t many people on the beach and the ones who are there are busy drinking beer and daring each other to swim in shark-infested waters. This depressing beach is undoubtedly the result of the film’s low-budget. But, whether intentional or not, the effect is to create a pervasive atmosphere of existential doom. This film takes place in a dark world where the beach was an unhappy place even before the sharks and zombies showed up.

Four friends head out to that beach for what they hope will be a fun weekend. Amber (Cassie Steele) and Sophie (Sloane Coe) are sisters. Bridgitte (Becky Andrews) is their bikini-clad friend who, later in the film, gets to say, “I’m not going to die for those people!” (For what it’s worth, I was in 100% agreement with Bridgitte. If someone is stupid enough to get in the water during a shark attack, he deserves whatever happens to him.) And then there’s Jenner (Ross Britz), who is Amber’s boyfriend. When the four of them come across a dead shark on the beach, Jenner makes the mistake of getting too close. Suddenly, the shark comes back to life and eats Jenner! Unfortunately, Jenner had the keys to the boat in his pocket so now, the three survivors are stranded on the island.

It turns out, of course, that it’s all the fault of science. Dr. Palmer (Laura Cayouette) created a zombiefication virus and infected one shark. Now that zombie shark is infecting other sharks! And those sharks are attacking people! The people who aren’t digested are transformed into zombies!

Luckily, military badass Maxwell Cage (Jason London) is sent to the island. Working with the rife-toting Amber and Sophie, Maxwell tries to find a way to curb the zombie outbreak. Meanwhile, resort owner Lester (Roger J. Timber) tries to rally the few remaining uninfected humans to fight the zombies.

Soon, the water is full of sharks, the beach is full of zombies, and blood is everywhere.

I totally loved Zombie Shark. To a certain extent, it reminded me of the classic Italian zombie film, The Erotic Nights of the Living Dead. Like that film, Zombie Shark started out as your typical resort movie, complete with elements of broad comedy and hints of relationship drama. And then suddenly, out of almost nowhere, it turned into a portrait of a grim and bloody zombie apocalypse.

The cast did a surprisingly good job, bringing as much credibility as they could to a film about a bunch of people being menaced by zombie sharks. Jason London and Laura Cayouette (remember her as Leonardo DiCaprio’s odd sister in Django Unchained?) are both memorable as representatives of the establishment. Cassie Steele and Sloane Coe were totally believable as sisters and brought so much commitment to their roles that the film’s ending was unexpectedly poignant.

(Cassie Steele, of course, might be best known for playing Manny Santos during the best seasons of Degrassi.)

With the exception of Sharknado 3 (which will be premiering tonight), Zombie Shark was the final original shark film to premiere as a part of SyFy shark week.

It was also one of the best.

Let’s Talk About 3-Headed Shark Attack!

Posted on July 22, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

One thing that I love about Asylum films is that, as opposed to big studio productions, they always deliver exactly what they promise. As a part of the lead up to the third Sharknado film, 3-Headed Shark Attack premiered on the SyFY network on Monday night. The title promised a three-headed shark and that is exactly what the film delivered. The title also promised that the three-headed shark would attack and, again, that’s exactly what happened. This giant 3-headed shark devoured a record number of fisherman, scientists, and college students.

3-Headed Shark Attack is also the story of three boats and the people on those boats.

One boat is a booze cruise that’s full of rich kids and their bikini-clad girlfriends. You really only have to take one look at these people to know that almost all of them are doomed. However, they certainly are not helping matters by tossing all of their empty beer cans into the ocean. Little do they know that there’s a giant shark with three heads following the trail of cans.

On another, much smaller boat, there are the survivors of the 3-headed shark’s previous attack on the Persephone research lab. They are scientists, environmentalists, and a few student interns. They may have been dedicated to protecting the environment but the three-headed shark could hardly care less. While thsee people seem to be a little bit more competent than the drunks on the booze cruise, it’s still hard not to feel that they are all equally doomed.

And finally, there’s one final boat. The people on this fishing boat have guns, which in theory should be helpful against a three-headed shark. Even more importantly, Danny Trejo is on this boat! If anyone can defeat a three-headed shark, it’s Danny Trejo, right!? SyFy advertised 3-Headed Shark Attack as “starring Danny Trejo” but, to be honest, Danny’s role is pretty much a cameo. But that’s okay. Danny Trejo is always fun, regardless of how much screen time he has. Plus, the film smartly uses Danny’s badass persona to keep the audience off-balance.

3-Headed Shark Attack was director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray (who also directed the much different but equally entertaining Mega Shark vs. Kolossus) and it’s also a sequel to 2-Headed Shark Attack. 3 Headed Shark Attack is a surprisingly somber film, one in which likable characters are just as likely to killed as unlikable ones and where the ocean frequently turns red with innocent blood. For those who, as a result of the Sharknado films, have gotten it into their heads that all Asylum films are actually comedies, 3-Headed Shark Attack will prove otherwise.

3-Headed Shark Attack is an entertaining work of underwater mayhem. If, like all good people, you love the Asylum style of filmmaking, you’ll find a lot to enjoy about 3-Headed Shark Attack. This is a film that delivers exactly what it promises.

Here’s hoping that 4-Headed Shark Attack is close behind!

4 Shots From 4 Films: Thriller, Switchblade Sisters, Death Has Blue Eyes, Ms. 45

Posted on July 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.

4 Shots From 4 Films

Thriller, A Cruel Picture a.k.a. They Call Her One Way (1973, dir by Bo Arne Vibenius)

Thriller, A Cruel Picture a.k.a. They Call Her One Eye (1973, dir by Bo Arne Vibenius)

Switchblade Sisters (1975, dir by Jack Hill)

Death Has Blue Eyes (1976, dir by Nico Mastorakis)

Ms. 45 (1981, dir by Abel Ferrara)

Film Review: Safari 3000 (1982, dir. Harry Hurwitz)

Posted on July 21, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

Christopher Lee and Mini-Me

Ever seen that episode of AVGN for Darkwing Duck on the TurboGrafx-16? It starts off with the Nerd going through numerous games that you know are bad just by the title. Moon Ranger, Kid Niki, Dudes With Attitude, Deathbots, and Mad Max for the NES. They’re clearly bad games, but there just isn’t enough material to work with for a proper episode of the show. Safari 3000 is the cinematic equivalent to those reject games. However, since I suffered through it, now you must hear about it. And yes, I borrowed that sentence from Necessary Roughness (1991).

As you can see from the picture above, Christopher Lee is in this with a mustache, leather outfit, and a Darth Vader helmet. Why the Darth Vader helmet? I have no clue. Why does this little guy follow him around? No clue, but he does jump off a building near the beginning of the film. Why? I found out there is a movie called Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills (1997) today so I don’t even know how we still exist, let alone why he jumps off the building.

So what is Safari 3000 about? There’s some sort of race in Africa and several teams are going to compete. Christopher Lee and the little guy…wait, of course, it’s a reference to The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)! That’s also why his name is Count Borgia in order to reference the Hammer Dracula films.

Well, there are other teams. I saw one that is clearly supposed to be two Japanese guys, and another made up of Italians. There are also two ladies who are listed as the American Housewives team in the credits. I’d find it offensive, but it’s an apt description because at the beginning of the race they say that while their husbands go to Vegas, they go to race cars.

David Carradine and Stockard Channing

This movie gets to the race pretty quickly, which is good. Channing convinces her superior at Playboy to let her go to cover this race with Carradine as her driver. What follows is promising with some laughs. They get across a partially broken bridge with a little trick driving. A local African guy gets angry at them, pretends to be unable to speak English, then leaves them alone when they give him a fancy camera. Then he promptly turns around, perfectly describes the camera to his buddies, and takes a shot of of his friend.

Camera!

Smile!

However, after that it just gets boring. The main problem is that there isn’t enough cutting between the different racers to get us excited or keep us engaged. Nor does enough happen to Channing and Carradine for us to feel them bond the way the movie wants us to believe they do.

In the end, you get a few laughs. You get to see some wildlife. Then the movie ends and you move on. In my case, to the next movie.

Here’s The Official U.S. Trailer For The Good Dinosaur

Posted on July 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Here’s the latest extremely adorable trailer for Pixar’s The Good Dinosaur!

Enjoy!

Let’s Talk About Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf!

Posted on July 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Saturday night, SyFy premiered Roboshark and Mega Shark vs. Kolossus and viewers like me will be forever thankful. However, SyFy wasn’t done giving us treats. On Sunday night, another new film premiered. It was called Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf and I’m not ashamed to say that it was absolutely brilliant.

Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf takes place in the Dominican Republic. A disgraced baseball player, Felix Rosa (played by Mario Arturo Hernandez,) goes to a mysterious German scientist, Dr. Reihnhardt (Catherine Oxenberg), in search of a treatment that will again make him a superstar. However, as often happens with mad scientists, Dr. Reinhardt has an agenda of her own and soon Felix has been transformed into a hybrid between a whale and wolf. This means that he looks like a wolf but he swims like a whale and he tends to act like a dog.

Except, of course, when he’s eating people.

When he’s eating people, he’s all Whalewolf.

Meanwhile, alcoholic boat captain Ray (Casper Van Dien, giving a likable and energetic performance) has discovered that Sharktopus — a creature with the head of shark and the body of an octopus — is swimming in the waters around the Dominican Republic. At first, Ray and his sidekick, Pablo (Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos), aren’t too concerned about the Sharktopus or anything else. But then the local voodoo priest (Tony Almont) demands that they bring him the heart of Sharktopus and, when they don’t promptly comply, he starts to stick pins into Ray and Pablo voodoo dolls.

While all of that is going on, Ray’s almost girlfriend, police officer Nita (Akari Endo), is trying to keep the peace but that’s a little bit difficult when you not only have to deal with a voodoo cult, an alcoholic boat captain, and a German mad scientist but also with Sharktopus and Whalewolf as well!

But that’s not all! A Dominican version of The Bachelor is being filmed nearby. It would be a lot easier for the bachelor to find love if not for the fact that Sharktopus keeps eating all of his potential wives.

And finally, there’s a tourist who is vacationing in the Dominican Republic and is convinced that she’s starting a new chapter of her life. Needless to say, things don’t exactly end well…

Okay, you may have read all that and may now be under the impression that there’s a lot of going on in Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf and you are absolutely correct. This is a very busy film but, then again, that’s exactly why it works. The pace is relentless and the action is nonstop. No time is wasted when it comes to introducing both Sharktopus and Whalewolf. It’s nonstop Sharktopus and Whalewolf action, without a single slow moment.

The tone is pretty much set from the moment that Catherine Oxenberg first appears and starts to speak in the most over-the-top, deliberately exaggerated German accent ever heard. Then Casper Van Dien shows up, pulling flasks out of his pockets and, at one point, getting into a literal slap fight with Sharktopus. (Casper Van Dien gives a performance that can be positively compared to the best work of Bruce Campbell.)

Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf works as both an entertaining monster film and a glorious send up of the entire genre. If you missed it for the first time, keep an eye out for another showing.

And hopefully, Sharktopus will soon return!

Let’s Talk About Mega Shark vs. Kolossus!

Posted on July 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Looking forward to seeing who @LisaMarieBowman kills next with her tweets #megasharkvskolossus

— Kelly Thul (@kellythul) July 19, 2015

It was while watching Mega Shark vs. Kolossus that I discovered that, apparently, I have the power to kill fictional characters with my tweets. As soon Dr. Sergie Abramov (Patrick Bauchau) first appeared on screen, I tweeted out my prediction that he was “doomed,” largely because he was “eccentric and old.” 15 minutes later, a group of gun-toting mercenaries showed up and gunned Dr. Abramov down.

AGCK!, I thought, I didn’t really mean to kill him…

Now, normally, I would have to admit that discovering that I possessed that much power would lead to a lot of thought and reflection on my part. But you know what? I was enjoying myself way too much to really feel that bad about getting Dr. Abramov killed. That’s the type of film that Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is. It’s a lot of fun and, if the cost of that fun is that Dr. Abramov had to die … well, so be it.

Produced by the Asylum and directed by Christoper Douglas-Olen Ray (who also directed A House Is Not A Home and Shark Week), Mega Shark vs. Kolossus premiered on SyFy right after Roboshark. I have to admit that, when the film began, I wasn’t sure that anything could successfully follow the brilliance that was Roboshark.

But, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus proved my doubts wrong.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is not only a good SyFy film and a worthy entry in the Mega Shark franchise but it’s also a lot of fun. If I could only pick a handful of movies to justify my love of SyFy and Asylum films, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus would definitely be right there with End of the World and Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Mega Shark vs. Kolossus has everything — from the knowing humor to the over-the-top action to the flamboyant monsters — that you could possibly want from a SyFy film.

At heart, Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is a delirious homage to the old school Godzilla films where Godzilla would have to reluctantly save humanity from yet another giant monster. (Kolossus is even reminiscent of the robotic Godzilla from Godzilla vs. MechaGodzilla.)

As the film starts, the world has been thrown into chaos as the result of all of the previous Mega Shark attacks. Admiral Jackson (Ernest Thomas) is determined to track down and destroy Mega Shark but Dr. Alison Gray (Illeana Douglas) argues that if we would just leave Mega Shark alone then Mega Shark would leave us alone. Billionaire Joshua Dane (Brody Hutzler) claims to agree with her but is it possible that he has ulterior motives of his own? Well, consider this: has there even been a truly benevolent billionaire in an Asylum film?

Meanwhile, in the Ukraine, Kolossus — a giant robot that was created during the Cold War — has accidentally be activated. Can secret agent Moria King (Amy Rider, who totally kicked ass and who deserves to appear in every subsequent Mega Shark film) and CIA analyst Spencer (Edward DeRuiter, who also wrote the film’s script) figure out how to control Kolossus?

And, finally, will Kolossus and Mega Shark meet and fight? Well, the answer to that one is right in the title of the film.

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is delirious fun, a surprisingly well-acted and entertaining homage to the great monster movies of the past. Obviously, Mega Shark is the top-billed star here but, for me, the film is really stolen by Kolossus. This behemoth of robotic mayhem dominates almost every scene in which he appears and hopefully, he’ll return for a future movie. Could Sharktopus vs. Kolossus or Roboshark Meets Kolossus be in the future? I certainly hope so!

Mega Shark vs. Kolossus is terrific and entertaining. If you missed it the first time, keep an eye out for a future showing. You will not be disappointed!

We love you, Kolossus!

Let’s Talk About Roboshark!

Posted on July 21, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In case you missed it, it is currently Shark Week on the SyFy network. (Or, as the Snarkalecs and I like to call it, Snark Week!) Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No will be premiering this Wednesday and, in honor of that historic event, SyFy has devoted this week to broadcasting some of their trademark original movies. Along with showing such classics as Jersey Shore Shark Attack, Shark Week, Two-Headed Shark Attack, and Ghost Shark, SyFy is also premiering 6 new shark films.

Roboshark, the first of these premieres, was aired on Saturday night. Now, obviously, there was no way that I would be able to resist watching a film with a title like Roboshark.

Roboshark, like many great SyFy films, opens with something falling out of the sky and landing in the ocean. A chunk of UFO plunges into the water and is promptly eaten by a normal, every day shark. Soon, that shark is transformed into … ROBOSHARK! With its fins glowing red and a twitter account of his very own, Roboshark attacks Seattle.

That’s right! Roboshark destroys a Starbucks, eats hipsters, and eventually takes out an eccentric billionaire named Bill Glates (Steve Sires) and it’s all a lot of fun to watch. And before everyone decides to leave a snarky comment pointing out my typo, allow me to assure you that the character was indeed named Bill Glates. However, he looked and sounded just like Bill Gates and, seeing as how Windows 8.1 has had 40 updates this month alone, there was something undeniably satisfying about seeing him get eaten by a roboshark.

As often happens in SyFy film, Roboshark isn’t really bad. He’s just misunderstood. He uses his twitter account to communicate with Melody (Vanessa Grasse), the daughter of Trish (Alexis Peterman), the local “wacky weathergirl” who is looking to prove herself as a serious journalist by covering the roboshark attack. Unfortunately, Trish continually finds herself overshadowed by her rival reporter, Veronica (Laura Dale, giving a nicely comedic performance).

Meanwhile, Trish’s husband, Rick (Matt Rippy), has been half-recruited and half-kidnapped by Admiral Black (brilliant Nigel Barber), who is determined to save the world from Roboshark, even if he has to destroy the Seattle Space Needle to do it. (“But the Space Needle is the symbol of Seattle!” Rick protests.) Admiral Black is addicted to energy drinks and seems to be having a lot of fun being the craziest guy in the room. His character was a lot of fun.

Actually, the whole film is a lot of fun. Roboshark is a great example of everything that we love about SyFY films. It was a deliberately over-the-top film full of inside jokes and a really cool monster. And I’m not just saying that because Roboshark retweeted me several times on Saturday night.

(Though he totally did! Love you, Roboshark!)

Roboshark is the type of film that must be watched with a large group of people looking to have a good (and silly) time. It’s the type of film that literally begged to be live tweeted and, needless to say, that’s exactly what a lot of us did. Here are just a few tweets from the epic Roboshark live tweet:

“@LisaMarieBowman: Admiral Black is doing the Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove yell. #Roboshark” #nowdrink #RobosharkDrinkingGame

— Roboshark (@R0B0SHARK) July 19, 2015

"It's from #Roboshark! It says, 'Would you like a thousand new followers? Click this link…" #roboshark

— Lisa Marie Bowman (@LisaMarieBowman) July 19, 2015