Hallmark Review: The Good Witch’s Gift (2010, dir. Craig Pryce)


vlcsnap-2016-08-05-09h17m06s700

I haven’t done a Hallmark movie in awhile. It’s been even longer since I did one that I watched on DVD. I only mention it because once again it is difficult to get it to start in VLC, and the close captioning is a little wonky. That leads to some humorous captions. I bring them up in case you go to watch it using VLC, or need to use the close captioning for more than just convenience. This is also the last of the Good Witch movies I have left to review. Let’s dig in.

The movie begins and we immediately join Jake Russell (Chris Potter) as he is doing some window shopping to decide what to get Cassie (Catherine Bell) for Christmas. He’s also doing a bit of foreshadowing.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-09h18m28s745

He spots a guy that he clearly knows, but then Cassie pops up like she always does to say “hi.”

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-09h19m23s733

This is as good a time as any to mention that she uses her powers a little more explicitly this time around. It’s not like in a later one where she teleports right in front of a camera. However, she does pop around more, and she makes the doors to her shop open right in front of Jack to the point where he asks her if she installed automatic doors. At least that’s what they say if you can hear. If you can’t, then this is what shows up onscreen.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-09h19m47s696

The next important thing is to find out who that guy was that Jack saw while window shopping. It’s a guy named Leon Deeks (Graham Abbey) who was part of a bank robbery and was recently released after having served his time. The issue is that not only was the money never recovered, but Jack’s son is going out with Deeks’ daughter played by former Degrassi: TNG star Jordan Todosey. It’s interesting that with this film it means that actor Matthew Knight was in a movie with one of the late stage Degrassi: TNG actors, and one of the early ones in Jake Epstein who was in an episode of Matthew Knight’s short-lived TV Show called My Babysitter’s A Vampire.

Deeks of course stops by Cassie’s place, and as usual with new people, she nearly gives him a heart attack by suddenly showing up behind him. He remembers the place when it used to be rundown and is impressed with what she has done. There is an ulterior motive to him looking around the place. It will turn out the unrecovered money from the robbery is under her floor.

Lori (Hannah Endicott-Douglas) makes a return, but really won’t play too much of a role in the film. Mainly when Cassie’s ring goes missing, she runs around looking for it. However, good old quintessential small town busybody Martha Tinsdale (Catherine Disher) is sure around for her plot line.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-10h02m40s054

At the start she is being annoying, making people angry, and really getting into hitting that gavel. She is rejecting a local business’ request to put up a sign to advertise for their business. Her plot line is like the rest in that it will revolve around family, and will resolve with family. It’s what the “Gift” in the title means. The formation or maintenance of family is the central theme around which the plot lines revolve. I do love how at this meeting, which is where we first see her, she manages to piss off everyone at the table. Then she leaves only to be confronted by her husband the mayor who tells her they lost a lot of money, and she needs to get a job as a result.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-10h04m23s851

Catherine Disher really does have that Jim Carrey facial expression thing about her. I love it.

Then we meet Brandon (Matthew Knight) and Jodi Deeks played by Jordan Todosey.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-10h05m14s370

So, we have Cassie and Jack who need to end up getting married to each other. We have Jodi and her father who need to be reunited despite Jodi’s mother fighting against it. It’s understandable because the time he served was ten years on top of committing the crime. We also have Martha who needs survive this bump in the road with her husband. However, we have one last piece of setup.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-10h16m43s496

What do we do with grandpa (Peter MacNeill)? He actually has one of the more subtle ways of having family in his plot line. The woman he met last time at the orchard departs. Since Cassie is going to go and live with Jack in the end, what is going to happen to Grey House?

That’s your setup. The movie is on autopilot now as the plot lines run their course to their happy conclusions. Let’s talk about how these different plot lines all resolve.

The reason for the marriage being rushed is that Jack is getting frustrated that it keeps getting pushed back, so come hell or high water, he’s going to make it happen before Christmas. The marriage runs into a few small speed bumps with finding a preacher at the last minute, getting the wedding together at the last minute, and getting the marriage license also at the last minute. It’s the standard stuff you’d expect. Martha’s husband marries them since he is the mayor. They get the marriage license since Cassie has been around long enough legally that the government says that’s enough to establish an identity. I’m not sure it really works that way, but it’s a movie, and a very minor point that is just there to stall the film a bit.

Martha goes around trying to sell herself as a prospective employee, but she’s pissed off too many people for that to be an easy task.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-10h18m08s606

In the end, she’ll become a party planner. Cassie is the one who suggests this to Martha. In this one, more than others, she seems to be more conscious of these actions to help people. I swear I remember in the past that she treaded the line between some sort of an all knowing being, and a regular human better.

vlcsnap-2016-08-05-15h46m05s934

As for grandpa, that’s actually easy. He moves in to take care of Grey House and the B&B with Cassie.

The hard one is getting Jodi and her father back together. That’s really what Cassie puts her mind too. In the end, that works out too, but she has to attack that problem from several angles. Turning the money in is the major step he takes to turn things around for him and his family.

It really has been awhile since I watched other Good Witch movies, but this one felt a little different. I recall the others having a main plot, and several micro-plots around it that really didn’t have any reason to be there. This time around we have the Deeks plot line that has some more importance, but they are all treated rather equally, tie together, and have a central theme. Kind of like a Good Witch version of Signed, Sealed, Delivered: From The Heart (2016) except that it doesn’t have so many plots that it gets overwhelming. This is average, but recommendable as far as Good Witch movies go.

Film Review: Jason Bourne (2016, dir. Paul Greengrass)


Jason_Bourne_Poster_1

I most certainly do know his name. It’s John Rambo. I kept thinking of that fake ad for a Rambo style movie from Grand Theft Auto: Vice City throughout the film.

Take the beginning of Rambo III (1988), and make it the whole movie. That being tracking him down to bring him in, so he can be sent out on a mission. Throw in that surveillance thing from the TV Show Person of Interest. Add a little of the 60 Minutes fueled paranoia about technology that filled the movie Blackhat (2015). Copy the ending of Terminator: Genisys (2015), but make it about swapping out love interests to reboot the franchise. Make sure to shake the camera a bunch, put in unnecessary zooms, and editing that at times gets so frantic you lose track of what is happening. Endless action must be there too since people paid to see spectacle rather than just setup. That’s Jason Bourne in a nutshell. It is a film cobbled together from elements you are already familiar with from other films, you get some action for your money, and then are sequel baited before the credits roll.

Don’t see it in theaters like I did. If you are a big movie lover or an action junkie, then check it out on DVD. If you aren’t, then don’t watch it in any form whatsoever. It’s not worth it for the casual viewer.

That’s my short review, which I know I can’t be the only one who likes to read about a film that is brand new.

Now if you want to hear more about the film, then read on. I will do my best without physical access to the film, or proper screenshots. I refuse to use promotional ones. I want to be able to show you goofs like making an IP Address be internal by being 192 at the start, but still making the second number 256 for no reason at all. They won’t show that kind of thing in promo material. I will also spoil the ending that really isn’t a spoiler. You already know simply by the fact that there are clearly planned sequels that can’t exist without Bourne.

————————–

First, I have to confess that I did not see the last entry in the series. I have seen all the ones before that, but not the Jeremy Renner one. I doubt it makes any difference, but I thought you should know.

The movie starts off the way Casino Royale (2006) does by giving us a recap of Bourne’s previous kills. Just like Bond, it means he is in, and isn’t going to get back out again. That’s when it cuts to him fighting in an organized fight club type thing a la Rambo to get away from it all. At the same time, we are introduced to the two main people who will be chasing after Bourne. That’s Heather Lee played by Alicia Vikander and the director of the CIA played by Tommy Lee Jones.

Bourne is in Greece, which is in turmoil. They get hot his trail very quickly courtesy of Julia Stiles who makes a return, so she can lead Lee to Bourne before making sure she gets shot and killed. No joke. She hacks her way into a system they are monitoring to find Bourne herself, they catch on, they catch up, and she gets shot. There’s your setup for the movie. Bourne is drawn back into things whether he likes it or not while he is being hunted.

The next important thing isn’t really important at all, but will take up time in the movie nonetheless. It’s Tommy Lee Jones harassing a tech giant that he apparently gave money to so that he could start his company. He wants him to put in a backdoor in his very popular social network so that the CIA can spy on everyone. Yes, they do bring up Snowden because of course they do. This part of the story exists in the movie, but honestly plays very little into things except to give a purpose for drawing Bourne into something good rather than simply being the super solider who came in from the cold. It’s how Lee and Tommy Lee Jones handle the situation that tells Bourne where he stands, and sets up the sequel.

At a certain point the action takes over the film completely. Yes, there is quite a bit of fast-paced tracking sequences early on, but by the time the real action starts, you get to see a SWAT van act like a snow plow going down the street knocking cars left and right. I went with two friends, and neither of them could stop talking about the action. Things like “how did they do that” kept coming up. Obviously it’s a mix of practical effects and CGI, but there is just so much of it filled with quick cuts that you are overwhelmed as they were. It made me long for something simple like The Dark Knight (2008). However, I want to make it clear that I never lost a sense of space. That’s a deathblow to action sequences. It’s when the film isn’t shot properly so that instead of understanding the space in which the action takes place and the relation between the characters, you wind up with a bunch of disconnected actions scenes. I never felt that way watching this movie.

In the end, the tech giant is nearly assassinated, but rescued, and only gets shot in the chest. Tommy Lee Jones is killed off in a scene that reminded me of when RoboCop confronted Ronny Cox. Heather Lee is now situated as a go-between Bourne and the people who want to use him. They barely scratch at those special behind the scenes people with some flashbacks and a few documents. I figure that is what we will get a more fleshed out version of in the follow-up films.

That’s my longer review. Bourne walks away not telling Lee how she will get in touch with him. She does get into her car, and picks up some sort of device, but I honestly don’t recall what it was. The point is, she is both the new point-man, and probably a love interest down the road.

If that sounds like something you want to see, then more power to you!

Film Review: Ex Machina (2015, dir. Alex Garland)


IMG_5129

I know this was already reviewed by Leon last year. I watched it for the first time this March. It has bothered me ever since, so I decided to purge it from my system by writing my own review of the film. Can you tell I didn’t really like it?

The movie opens up and we meet our main character Caleb (Domhnall Gleeson). He just won the “Staff Lottery”.

IMG_5138

Whatever gets him out of having to program a search algorithm in C++ is a good thing. C++ is not the most fun language to program in, which is why I assume he switches to using Python later on in the film. If you think that’s going to lead to Caleb asking the robot about non-computable functions such as The Halting Problem, then you’re going to be very disappointed. These are functions that to a computer cannot be evaluated to obtain their result. That means there are problems that cannot be solved by machine intelligence. This of course leads to a debate about what exactly does natural intelligence have that machine intelligence doesn’t, and what does that say about whether a machine has consciousness. All things that will not be brought up. These are things I learned in a course I took before a basic ground level Computer Science course. A remedial CS course. Caleb not knowing these things is like making a movie about racing when the main character, who is a mechanic, can’t change a tire.

Now we are off to where Oscar Isaac’s character lives.

IMG_5191

I know his name is Nathan, but I just kept referring to him as Beard while watching the film. When Caleb shows up to enter his place I had to pause the movie.

IMG_5250

I love watching movies on the iPad with the Amazon Prime app because it not only tells you the characters, but it also drops in trivia about the current scene. This is how I know that this takes place at the Juvet Landscape Hotel in Alstad, Valldal, Norway. Beard has a pretty nice place. It comes with it’s own Kubrickian hallways…

IMG_5373

The Shining (1980, dir. Stanley Kubrick)

The Shining (1980, dir. Stanley Kubrick)

and Oldboy (2003) prison rooms.

IMG_5411

Oldboy (2003, dir. Chan-wook Park)

Oldboy (2003, dir. Chan-wook Park)

Beard gives Caleb a key that will only open rooms and let him use devices that he is allowed to use. It’s kind of like a computer game. In fact, that’s how you could describe the whole movie in a nutshell. It’s a game composed of cutscenes with the robot and Beard, except you don’t get to run around in between, and there are no dialog trees.

After showing Caleb into his room, he tells him he needs to sign an Non-Disclosure Agreement. Again, I had to pause the movie here cause I was taking care of my dog while a new ceiling fan was being put in.

IMG_5477

Okay, if you say so, then Beard saying his home is his research facility is a reference to It’s A Wonderful Life (1946). Now we get the Ex Machina definition of what a Turing Test is that isn’t what a Turing Test actually is. Caleb says:

“I know what the Turing Test is. It’s when a human interacts with a computer. And if the human doesn’t know they’re interacting with a computer, the test is passed”

Actually, the Turing Test is when you have a “Human interrogator” that is separated by a barrier with an isolated interface that let’s the interrogator interact with two sources that are both separated from each other and the interface. One source is a human being who has never met the interrogator. The other source is a machine that is being tested. If the interrogator cannot distinguish the two sources from each other than robot has passed the test.

Such a test is never really performed in this film unless you think that the point when Caleb cuts himself, he believes he might be a robot because he thinks he is indistinguishable from the robot. It’s not the same, but it may have been stuck in there to allude to that. Regardless, it means that it would be literally impossible for the Turing Test to even be performed since it would require three humans (a source, an interrogator, and someone setting up the experiment), and there are only two humans at Beard’s home. Here’s a nice diagram from the Second Edition of Introduction to Artificial Intelligence by Philip C. Jackson Jr.

IMG_1148

It doesn’t really prove that the computer has “artificial intelligence” either, but that a human being can’t tell the difference. That simply means it can pass for human in this controlled environment. That’s of course why the film will unceremoniously toss it aside in favor of a setup that will allow for a lot of engagement between actors that is done face-to-face.

Thus begins the “test”.

IMG_5529

We see Beard’s office first which is covered with post-it notes. I haven’t seen that since I think either the remake of Oldboy or that episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 where Brandon covered a professor’s office with them. Caleb also sees foreshadowing about previous robots who got a little cabin fever when he enters the interrogation room.

IMG_5552

Yes, that is glass. Does he turn right around and walk out because he has obviously been lied to about taking part in a Turing Test? Nope. We just meet Ava played by Alicia Vikander.

IMG_5634

I have to admit that I feel a little sorry for her. She really was cast in some terrible movies in 2015. You have this movie of course. You have her in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. where she is just there to make a reference to Anita Ekberg in La Dolce Vita (1959) by standing in a fountain while the male leads all but start making out. She was in The Danish Girl (2015) that will have more people asking children about their genitals since it makes being transgender all about bottom surgery. I loved how it didn’t tell you she had a uterus transplant at the end. Probably because leaving it in would mean the movie is actually equating having babies with identifying oneself as a woman like people think Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) did. Then she was also in Burnt (2015), but I’ll be damned if I could find her in it while watching it.

No, I’m not kidding about The Danish Girl having that effect. People ask transgender children all the time about whether they plan to have surgery when they get older and that movie doesn’t help. Neither do other things, but I refuse to review that movie right now.

After some initial pleasantries, he asks how she learned to speak. She says she “always knew how to speak.” She also says she thinks she is clever since “language is something that people acquire” but she can apparently do it out of the box. He responds about language being inborn in the human mind, and that it is only attachment of words to this built-in stuff that allows us to speak. You could say it’s an explanation for why everyone gets a free language. This confuses Ava, but I’m more confused why rebooting Tomb Raider in 2018 with her as Lara Croft is a thing that’s happening. This is also a conversation of foreshadowing because we will get an explanation later that, surprise, surprise, shows again that Caleb really doesn’t know about Computer Science.

Now you’d think they would leave the Turing Test thing behind here, but no. They feel the need to rub their nose in it some more.

IMG_5719

He says that “if I hid Ava from you, so you just heard her voice, she would pass for human.” Maybe, except the Turing Test uses terminals, not voices, since that really wouldn’t be a test of human intelligence, but speech synthesis. Take for example talking to Siri or a similar intelligent agent. The very fact that it speaks instantly makes people start to think of it as human. That’s an example of Weak AI rather than Strong AI, which is what Ava is supposed to be. They’ll bring up Strong AI later, but will conveniently leave out Weak AI because it would open up holes in the film.

He wants to show him Ava, then see if he feels she has consciousness. What he is actually saying is whether he has effectively recreated superficial aspects of a humanoid robot with a reasonably passable intelligent agent controlling those parts. That’s not even close to the same thing. That would be like saying you have proven somebody actually works for immigration because illegal immigrants run when they see someone in pressed pants, a white shirt, and holding a clipboard enter a factory. You’ve simply proven that you can make something that can socially engineer a person. This is why the separation factor is so important to not have in a movie like this that can’t have its ending if it doesn’t ignore these things.

I don’t know why he couldn’t just say that he already had some people test her in a proper Turing Test, but now he wants him to do what he is asking him rather than just claiming that of course she would pass. Oh, well.

Since this movie isn’t very well written, they now have Caleb spout some jargon about her language abilities. Beard quickly shuts this down by saying he isn’t going to explain how she works. By that, he means until later when he decides to do just that in order to remind us of a real world event that happened a few years ago. The power soon goes out after this too for the purposes of foreshadowing that somebody is doing it, and it changes where and what Caleb is able to do with his keycard.

Caleb is now woken up by some speechless Asian lady robot.

IMG_6027

That makes two female robots. There must be a male one around here somewhere, right? Of course not. This would lead any reasonable person to wonder if he is building a brothel for straight men. The actual reason the movie tries to subtly slip in is that part of them being human is sexuality and gender. I’m assuming that means he has to test to make sure their vaginas work, and since they are both straight, then the robots must be women. Nope, still comes across like he is building a brothel.

Now Beard and Caleb have another conversation about how to test her. He basically breaks out more jargon, which Beard says isn’t important because too much thinking gets in the way of the drama and building of tension. Seriously, before it cuts to the image below, he says: “How does she feel about you?”

IMG_6103

It starts off with Ava showing him a picture, but they already want to turn the tables and have Ava ask Caleb questions as if we really are interested in him. But first we find out that Caleb works for Beard’s own version of Google. Then the funniest thing in the movie happens.

IMG_6263

He says that he is an advanced programmer. Sure, Caleb. Sure, and the majority of people knew what a race condition was when they started up Steve Jobs (2015).

Ava goes on to brag about how Beard wrote the code for not-Google when he was 13. She then asks him if he likes Mozart to which he responds that he likes Depeche Mode. What are you trying to say here, Garland? Maybe that people are people? Doesn’t matter because she doesn’t want to listen. She has other priorities like setting up the ending. The movie actually has very little to with robots. It’s about a woman who is imprisoned and uses the dumbest guy she can find to manipulate in order to get out. That’s the real movie in a nutshell. You won’t be asking yourself interesting questions here. It’s all kind of sleight of hand with what appears to be intelligent writing. Then the power goes out again and she takes credit for it before trying to drive a wedge between Caleb and Beard.

IMG_6334

Then the power comes back online.

IMG_6351

I have an idea. Ask her if on a hot summer night would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses. It’s totally random. No matter what she says, you respond that you bet she says that to all the boys. See how she responds. Of course not. This game has you on strict rails and doesn’t give you a dialog tree.

Blah, blah, blah. Now Beard says he is going to show Caleb where he created Ava even though he said he wasn’t going to tell him how she works earlier because it would ruin the test. Remember that they have established that Caleb is an advanced programmer, and at least as a degree in Computer Science. Beard asks him if he knows how he got her to “read and duplicate facial expressions.” That’s easy, you simply get a lot of training data and use it train something like a neural network or some other statistical model. Basic stuff for someone with a Computer Science degree that people use and interact with everyday in the form of a spam filter.

IMG_6584

Moving onward, Beard reminds us of that incident a few years back when it was discovered that Apple was using people’s iPhones to do war driving in order to improve their location services. In Beard’s specific case, he simple turned on the camera and microphone on cellphones to get a bunch of data and used it to train whatever he is using. He says the search engine itself, but that doesn’t make sense unless you want to say that his Google can search by image and sound bite, thus allowing for him to build a language of sorts between the collected data and the meanings humans assign them. That actually is probably what they were going for given the explanation of language earlier. It still doesn’t explain why they just had Caleb throw up his hands to say he has no idea how it was done.

IMG_6627 (1)

Next we find out that writer/director Alex Garland is probably a fan of Quantum Leap. I say that because that is Ava’s brain, which Beard refers to as wetware. What that means is that it should be a combination of physical aspects of the human brain interconnected with mechanical parts to create an artificial intelligence. This is what Ziggy on the show Quantum Leap has as its’ “brain”. That’s why they refer to her as a hybrid computer, and as having aspects of Sam in her since the brain cells are his. We also find out that the software running on it is his version of Google’s search engine.

IMG_6673

After showing Caleb another picture, she decides to manipulate him more by putting on hair and clothes. I had to pause the movie again here.

IMG_6832

In other words, they told her to just walk rather than walk while swinging her hips. I’m not sure why that was a thing they bothered with honestly. Without that bit of trivia popping up it would have just come across as someone who was shy rather than someone who was starting to conform to the gender forced upon them by form and/or programming.

Now we get Caleb explaining that AI doesn’t need a gender, so that they can get into a conversation that amounts to explaining how things such as neural networks work by using sexual preference as an analogy. A neural network is a graph formed of vertices and lines that is based on the way the human brain works. The vertices have some sort of function that acts on the inputs that are sent into it in order to spit out a value either as a final result or as inputs to other vertices. The lines have a weight that is assigned to them, which is then multiplied by the value being sent along it in order to create the value that enters the vertex it connects to. Here is a very simply example of a neural network taken from AI Application Programming by M. Tim Jones.

IMG_1149

What this all means is that using certain techniques such as backwards propagation, you can send information through such a network that in turn adjusts the weights in order to change the way it will operate by changing what it will output. In the context of his explanation, it means that if you pass a bunch of black girls through your brain, and you respond in a certain way, then your brain’s own neural network adjusts to having an attraction to them, or developing a dislike of them sexually. It also depends on the structure of said brain initially and how it is formed during your early years. To go back to the mathematical example, it would mean how many vertices you have, how they are linked, and the functions at each vertex.

Caleb doesn’t seem to understand because he isn’t very good at Computer Science. Beard takes Caleb into a room with a Jackson Pollock painting.

IMG_7145

He tries to explain what Automatic Art is to Caleb. It sounds like he is referencing Fuzzy Logic to me, which is when instead of using simple true and false, or 0 and 1, you make decisions based on everything in between 0 and 1. It’s not a fixed algorithmic if this then that, but something more human.

Then Beard references Star Trek by telling Caleb to “Engage intellect”. I’m still thinking he is making a brothel, so I’ll go with Mudd’s Women as the episode of the original series he is referencing. Amazon Prime says it’s a reference to the episode Requiem for Methuselah. I also think of The Measure of a Man from Star Trek: TNG where Data’s designation of being sentient or property is put on trial.

Beard now asks him to reverse the challenge of doing something not partially deliberate and partially unconscious. He asks Caleb what would happen if Pollock didn’t make a single mark if he didn’t know exactly what he was doing. Caleb says that he wouldn’t have made a single mark. In other words, he is describing the difference between how humans operate with fuzzy logic instead of with a strict rule system. I have a feeling that somebody told Alex Garland about how they tried things like theorem-proving software and knowledge systems in AI before Strong AI research collapsed and we switched to research into Weak AI. Weak AI being what we have been enjoying at an ever-growing rate since the 1980s in the form of speech recognition, image identification, and even programs that can write new songs in the style of Bob Dylan. Those things operate on probabilities, which when attached to incoming examples such as speech, images, and lyrics written by Bob Dylan will spit out another probability that is used to make a decision while also creating something that will make the kind of decisions you want based on the samples you gave it. Thus, it isn’t a strict rule, but something in between structure of the model and the current state of the probabilities in that model being used to generate the result. The Bob Dylan example would be feeding his lyrics into a chain that builds a series of probabilities between words so that if you picked a starting word, then it would generate the rest of the words based on the actual lyrics Bob Dylan wrote. You can do this with music as well. They are called Markov Chains/Hidden Markov Models in both cases.

This is all stuff to make you think that the more information you give to Google, then if the model is built correctly, all that data created by human beings will train that model to operate as a human does by becoming predictive of correct human behavior. Unfortunately, that’s not Strong AI. It’s simply Weak AI used on a large scale that impresses us the way a shiny object does a small child.

IMG_7229

Then Caleb comes right out and tells Ava he took a semester in AI. Yeah, sure you did Caleb. I took one and a half of them at Cal. Trust me when I say that if Anastasia Steele from Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) is the worst English major in recent film, then Caleb is the worst Computer Science major in recent movies.

Why does he say this? He says it because the movie wants to get arty by showing black and white shots. No really, there is no other reason. Caleb brings up a famous thought experiment about a person living in a black and white room who has perfect knowledge of color without having ever stepped out of that room. That would mean that the person in question would have never experienced color. However, Caleb screws this up by saying:

IMG_7264 (1)

Hmmm…you mean like the colors in the image I just posted that would show up on a black and white monitor, Caleb? He breaks the thought experiment simply so the film can show shots like that. He says that it gives her experience, which perfect knowledge about something doesn’t give you. That difference between pure knowledge and how something makes you feel is supposed to be the difference between human and machine intelligence according to Caleb. That’s why she mentions that she wants to go to a busy intersection if she is ever allowed to leave at a point in the movie. Of course the movie realizes that it needs to move the plot along instead of getting too smart so Ava messes with the power again to try and guilt Caleb some more. Boring.

Time for another session with Beard for Caleb. Nothing really happens here of consequence. Then more artsy shots and Beard banging the Asian lady robot. This is followed by Asian lady and Beard disco dancing to Oliver Cheatham’s Get Down It’s Saturday Night. I’m guessing Alex Garland also played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City since it’s on that soundtrack for the Fever 105 station hosted by Oliver “Ladykiller” Biscuit. It’s also there so that Lisa could have a scene from this movie to include as a dance scene that she loves.

IMG_7623

Unfortunately, Caleb doesn’t want to cool off on Saturday night, or any other night right now. He’s pissed off because the movie can’t really decide whether it wants to be smart about the technical stuff, or whether it wants to focus on that other boring prison break plot.

IMG_7683

There’s numerous questions that are batted back and forth here, but the only one that was important to me is that according to Ava she has an off switch like Data.

IMG_7792

So, why do they fight her before the Ms. 45 (1981) backstabbing ending when they could have simply turned her off? No matter. The conversations with her in this movie really aren’t the actual sessions. The sessions are with Beard. It’s time for Beard to think that Strong AI is right around the corner, and misunderstand what the singularity means.

I love how Beard makes sure to mention that the bodies are kept around after he builds the next model. He does this not for any in-movie reason, but for the horror factor of a bunch of bodies and so that Ava has a place to get skin later in the movie.

Beard brings up the singularity now and he seems to be confusing it for Terminator 2 (1991). The singularity is not when robots take over and replace us. The singularity is a point at which progress begins to outstrip our ability to fully comprehend the changes it creates till we essentially can do whatever we want. It’s like the Krell in Forbidden Planet (1956). Another example would be The Ancients in Stargate SG-1 who shed their material form and ascended into the freedom of pure energy. Not exactly something you whip out the Oppenheimer quote about being the destroyer of worlds when discussing. It’s an evolution, but not at the expense of the existence of humans. However, at this point the film is on autopilot towards its very unsatisfying conclusion, so who cares.

With Beard knocked out from drinking, Caleb decides to write a prime number generator.

IMG_8052

He is supposedly working to free Ava, but he will not use that prime number generator to keep the power system busy like they did in Real Genius (1985). Also, why the comments? It’s almost as funny as in Blackhat (2015) when they didn’t seem to know that comments disappear when you compile code, which means they wouldn’t be present when you decompile something like a virus.

More boring stuff that has very little to do with anything, but looks semi-impressive and atmosphere maintaining if you haven’t already given up on the film like I had long before this point.

IMG_8315

Ava is sitting in a corner to further guilt Caleb along with saying some more stuff and shutting off the power again.

IMG_8316

Good session.

Caleb and Beard talk some more before Ava finally breaks out from her prison. Beard is killed in the process.

IMG_9068

She locks Caleb up and gets away. I was honestly hoping that it would turn out Caleb was a robot, but they made sure to shoot that down by having him cut open his arm at one point. Then they juxtapose that with scenes later in the movie of the actual robots pulling off their skin.

I am part of a social network called Letterboxd. It isn’t a place where I write proper reviews. That’s what this site is for where I can really think about it, and include screenshots. I believe they are crucial. That’s why I use that network for initial gut reactions to what I watch. I try not to bring that over here, but really step through the film. This film isn’t as bad as I thought it was initially. I’m still not a fan though. The film boils down to somebody trying to socially engineer two people in order to make a prison break while we get pseudo-intellectual stabs at real tech stuff while not bothering to maintain consistency throughout the film. It’s not awful as I thought during and after watching it the first time, but it hardly deserves the ridiculous amount positive critical attention it has been getting since its’ release in 2015.

My ultimate conclusion is this: Watch Sneakers (1992), Real Genius (1985), and WarGames (1983) instead. Also, if this movie sparked an interest in AI for you, then run with it, because it is a fascinating subject that is not done justice by this film. My actual semester at Cal in AI was amazing. I had already read several books on the subject prior to taking the class, and it still was some of the most fun I had while at UC Berkeley.

Side notes: The reason for the race condition at the beginning of Steve Jobs is because a race condition is when two or more things try to operate on the same thing that causes unwanted results. Since the film uses Jobs’ brain as a metaphor for end-to-end control, a race condition is a perfect bug that doesn’t jive with what Jobs wants to achieve.

It is interesting that the film has exactly seven sessions with Ava since a byte is comprised of 8 bits. It makes one wonder whether Garland wants you to think it was cut short, there was a zeroth session prior to the official session since computers begin counting at zero, the 8th session is what happens at the very end, or that the missing session that would make it a byte represents that she is truly human and not really a computer anymore. Just something I thought I would pass on.

Film Review: Gums (1976, dir. Robert J. Kaplan)


vlcsnap-2016-07-27-06h55m06s654

With Deep Jaws (1976) over, I decided to watch the full blown porno spoof of Jaws called Gums. Why did I decide to review these two movies again? Oh, and these movies must have known about each other cause they actually say “Deep Jaws” in this film. It’s somehow better made than Deep Jaws, but that’s not saying much. Also, I’m pretty sure the version I have was censored at some point. I say “at some point” because it’s obvious that whoever did it was in on the whole thing. All the runtime is here as far as I know. They just save me some black boxes by putting humorous things there instead. Let’s take a look at this thing.

The movie opens like a slasher movie by giving us an opening kill.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-06h56m59s946

This time around we have a mermaid that seeks out people, and gives them blow jobs to death. By that, I mean she appears to bite it off after sucking on it for awhile. She also seems to do interpretative dance. I have no idea why, but she does that in this movie on several occasions.

You know the Jaws formula, so let’s introduce this movie’s equivalent of the well-known characters.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-06h58m23s917

That’s our sheriff. Their actual names aren’t important to anything. He finds the severed penis and stock footage of a beaver.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-06h59m22s478

The guy who found it says it looks like it was chewed off by a beaver, so they cut to this shot before going back to the characters.

He takes the severed cock back to his office, which immediately turns on his secretary. She comes over to him, so I can show you what I mean by censorship in this movie.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h02m28s696

Definitely censored, but by people who had a sense of humor.

Time to meet the mayor!

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h02m40s135

He surprises the sheriff…

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h02m51s355

which really makes me think that actor Paul Styles here played Dracula in Suckula (1973).

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

It could be. I mean it turned out that the anchorman from Suckula was Buck in the Back To The Future movies.

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Then a black guy comes in to tell the story of how he was sitting on a small boat while his “twin” brother was sucked to death in the water. I put twin in quotes cause I’m pretty sure it’s the same actor who played both brothers. Here’s what I think of that scene.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h03m53s856

Time to call in a sexpert. Unfortunately Susie Bright would have been only 18 when this movie came out, so they go with a Dr. Smegma.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h09m58s070

He is played by none other than Robert Kerman. Comic book fans may remember him as the Tugboat Captain in Spider-Man (2002). He also showed up in Debbie Does Dallas (1978), Cannibal Holocaust (1980), and Cannibal Ferox (1981) among many other films.

This begins a sex scene that I’m pretty sure has lifted music seeing as I heard some prior to this. No matter, because we quickly go back to the rest of the characters and the deaths hit the papers.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h15m21s419

I love how serious actor Zack Norman takes playing the reporter just before he prints the story. In 1984 he would go on to play Ira in Romancing the Stone. That’s a step up. He could have wound up in Romancing the Bone (1984) instead. He was also in an episode of the 1990’s TV Show The Flash. That means that between him and Robert Kerman, we have both Marvel and DC actors in a Jaws porno spoof.

By the way, “Welcome To Great Head”.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h15m37s724

Ready to meet the Robert Shaw equivalent?

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h20m47s664

That’s Nazi Quint played by none other than Brother Theodore. You might recognize him from several places. The year after this, he did the voice of Gollum in The Hobbit and later in The Return of the King (1980). However, most people probably know him from his last role in The ‘Burbs (1989). He actually got his start in films back in the 1940s doing film noir such as The Third Man (1949).

This scene goes on forever with him talking. On the upside, he is the best actor in the film next to Robert Kerman. During this scene I’m even more sure that Paul Styles is Dracula from Suckula.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h32m09s954

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Suckula (1973, dir. Anthony Spinelli)

Makes even more sense when you notice that Terri Hall who plays the mermaid was in one of the movies that is on the same box set as Suckula.

Let’s move on because what the hell is this thing it cuts to next?

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h33m54s386 (1)

My only guess is that they felt the need to foreshadow that they will use puppets to get the mermaid at the end. I agree with Brother Theodore: “Absolutely disgusting.”

After a bunch of stock footage and nonsense scenes that were maybe longer originally, we are at the beach and we finally meet our mermaid.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-07h57m37s582

You might be wondering about now, and the answer is yes. Yes, they do play the actual Jaws theme. That is till the blow job starts, then who knows where this crazy music that starts playing came from.

Dr. Smegma eventually shows up after the mermaid attack and I have to give it to Robert Kerman…

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-08h32m42s639

because he is the only one in the cast who at all resembles a member of the original cast in appearance and acting.

A bunch of weird sex things happen now that aren’t important. You don’t want to hear about Porno Dreyfuss and his sex doll that he insists on bringing over to the sheriff’s place. I mean involving animals weird. It gets really bizarre.

It eventually gets back to the plot, but not before it makes a mermaid joke.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-10h50m43s654

That’s the famous “Chicken of the Sea” as Porno Dreyfuss says. Somebody gets attacked, and the next day it’s time for Brother Theodore to monologue again like he did at the town hall meeting before they set off to get her.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-10h54m49s327

Porno Dreyfuss is happy cause he spots the sheriff’s secretary in a boat mostly naked. This is when we find out that not only does the mermaid dance, but I’m pretty sure she eats out the secretary to death. How does that work? In the end, the mermaid dances off into the water and the secretary looks dead on the beach.

Now the mermaid attacks the boat, and we get the dumbest peace of censorship in the movie.

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-11h13m09s877

This happens when the mermaid attacks Porno Dreyfuss through the toilet. I’m not showing the shot of her head popping out of the toilet. It might give you nightmares.

The rest is just a really lame recreation of the ending of Jaws till they just throw out the people, replace them with small puppets, and then she sucks on something that explodes. Roll credits!

vlcsnap-2016-07-27-11h35m15s748

I wish this version hadn’t been censored because I’m sure it would have made more sense, but at least they were trying for something and could actually do things. Deep Jaws just messed around till it dropped a space capsule in a pool, called it good, and ran the credits.

Do I recommend Gums and/or Deep Jaws? NO! If you want a spoof/homage to Jaws, then watch Blades. I reviewed it briefly last October. The movie is still up legally to watch as well. It’s the one to see. These are both terrible films.

Film Review: Deep Jaws (1976, dir. Perry Dell)


vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h35m38s229

First things first.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h35m19s003

If there are any local ordinances or community standards that make it possible for you to not watch this movie, then observe them. Feel free to read my review though. Not only because it will put you off wanting to see this as I know you all do, but you’ll get to see how Captain America, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, and Spider-Man could all end up in a fake porno spoof. The weirdest thing about watching this movie is that along with Water Power (1977), people were so AMERICA! in 1976 that both an enema rape porn and this, prominently featured the Bicentennial and American Flag. Let’s dive into this!

The movie starts off with just what you would expect: sex.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h43m37s499-edited

These two are banging in a projection booth while people working for-I kid you not-Uranus studios are trying to watch footage that has been shot for The Night Mt. Rushmore Broke Wind. Ugh! That’s the level of jokes you are in for if you watch this movie. One of the characters soon says: “He’s got the thing upside down and ass backwards.” Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016) with its running joke about burping the worm was more mature than this garbage.

Let’s introduce are main characters:

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h43m15s934

That’s attacked by spray tan.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h43m30s454

That’s a slime ball. His real name is PG as in parental guidance. I’m sorry, but Goldengirl came out in 1979 and had breasts the main character talked to, and it was rated PG. Earlier 90s movies had bare ass all the time, and they were still rated PG. The Odd Couple II came out in 1998 and had them not only calling each other “shitheads”, but had an explicit oral sex joke. It was rated PG-13. Good Burger came out one year prior in 1997. It had tons of sexual innuendo including numerous allusions to oral sex via egg rolls and was rated PG.

Somehow, one year after Deep Jaws, the talking vagina movie Chatterbox! would receive an R-rating. Guess that was more of an honorary rating. This movie is unrated cause it has a few shots of penises. Apparently that was a big deal back in 1976? This was well before Lars Von Trier and Gaspar Noé decided to exploit porn to try and remain relevant. That, and exploit Herschell Gordon Lewis’ Black Love (1971). Why is that a thing? Then again, why is Deep Jaws a thing?

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h43m31s082

That’s a woman who I’m not sure how they got to be in this.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h44m54s572

That’s an old guy who looks like he belongs in an episode of Soap. I never figured out why he is holding a teddy bear. He does it throughout the film.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-18h44m50s305

I’m just going to call him Dumbass even though they always call him Junior. He’s Spray Tan’s kid. It’s courtesy of him that superheroes will appear in the film via his T-Shirts.

You want to see the movie they are looking at onscreen?

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-19h26m29s938

I saw this and thought they were watching a 70s version of Space Zombie Bingo!!! (1993).

Here is the appearance of Captain America. Disappointing after seeing Matt Salinger decapitate someone with his shield.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-19h26m40s787

They keep cutting away to the projection booth sex as if we are getting something out of it. We aren’t. That kind of thing will be repeated many times over throughout the film. I can’t tell you how boring it is to hear these people talk on top of constantly cutting away to the sex. The movie only gets worse from here on out. This opening scene just happens to be particularly painful. How painful? This painful.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-19h31m36s069

He gets threatened to have his “ass out of Uranus.” Then it just abruptly cuts to the worst of 1970’s interior design.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-19h35m46s316

This phone call goes on forever. It has something do to with the President of the United States. Who cares? I didn’t. I just kept thinking this guy was reading off of cue cards above him.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-19h42m08s809

Now we get a whining scene between some woman and PG. Again, like most of the film. Who the hell cares? This film adds some running time onto itself here by having some flashbacks to the projection booth sex scene because we need to repeat that footage. Yuck!

Now we meet the guy from the opening sex scene

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-19h57m02s447

At least I’m pretty sure. No matter, because TITS!

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-19h57m45s241

I will try to spare you the number of times these ladies pop out just to show off their breasts. Just trust me that they wear out their welcome. All six of them. Although, one of them can do the breast equivalent of making one ear pop up and down. That’s something I guess.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-20h00m46s088 (1)

Now lady who I can’t believe is in the movie comes in carrying empty toilet paper rolls. He needs TP for Uranus. I would say his bunghole, but the ladies come out and stick something else in there at some point.

I am taking you through this step by step because the stupidity on display is amazing. We haven’t even gotten to the gay guy who runs after Dumbass to measure the length of his penis. That’s a thing that happens in this film.

Now PG sits out by the pool just so they can show more tits and ass. Acting 1; T&A about a 5. Yes, I did put that there because there is a porno spoof of A Chorus Line out there, but sadly my copy doesn’t have subtitles.

Now the lady who shouldn’t be there has a discussion with this guy about how they should make a porno like Deep Throat (1971). Apparently, this means cutting away to a very fake blow job scene that I guess is a recreation of something from Deep Throat. I haven’t watched it yet. Then it cuts back to them to see him eating her out while she’s upside down against a window. Cause of course she is.

If you are thinking this movie is a bunch of bull when it comes to being a porno/sexploitation film, then it agrees with you because a literal bull’s head shows up now.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-20h20m32s517

Where does this lead? To a third rate Giancarlo Giannini from Seven Beauties (1975) for another random sex scene.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-20h26m58s394

The only highlight of this scene is that he drinks from a literal bottle of Spanish Flies.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-20h39m48s203

This guy works for the studio and is looking for the next Garbo. By that he means Christina Lindberg. Don’t know who she is? She was in Anita: Swedish Nymphet (1975) with Stellan Skarsgård that was later remade by Lars Von Trier as Nymphomaniac, Vol. 1 & 2 (2013).

There is also a pretty terrible song that plays during this scene, but at least it’s better than the Johnny Wet Pants song that makes the HBO/Cinemax/Showtime circuit. That song is terrible! So is the one about lesbians they play from time to time. If you feel I’m going on and on now, then good. That’s to give you an idea of how long this sex scene drags on.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-20h47m38s741

Once you’ve listened to Guns ‘N Roses’ Paradise City and The End by The Doors, then the scene is over and there’s The Incredible Hulk. “You can’t let them close Uranus. It’s gonna be mine someday,” says Junior to his spray tan mom.

Now they get a call from the State Department to film a “simulated version of the Russian-American outer space hook-up.” No idea what that means, but they are given a million dollars to do it thanks to Kissinger. What do they do? They decide to embezzle the money by simply making a cheap porno. I’m not a fan of gay stereotypes, but I like this guy’s idea to make it a gay porn involving a homosexual shark and mermen. This comes after they agree that a “sexaster” movie is the way to go. They then go off to search for Miss Deep Jaws by not actually doing anything at the moment.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h03m02s431

I say that because they cut back to the other guy who is having a fake blow job. Then we come back to put this plan together after watching a lady play the clarinet naked. Their idea is all well and good, but I was really hoping they would address what is clearly a lost painting of Manos behind them.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h08m48s299

Some things happen now…sort of…not really. We cut back to the sex from earlier because it was just so interesting that it needed to continue. It’s still better than Love (2015). At least this film tells me it’s garbage rather than shoving Godard onscreen text in my face and telling me it’s a masterpiece.

Back at the studio, the lady that is too good for this movie is reading a script. We get a bizarre underwater sequence as a result.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h22m23s748

I think that’s all I can show without having any clue as to what does and does not need black boxing. Anyways, now we get a fine American discussing how he does not want to do something softcore, but maybe they can pretend they will, then actually film a hardcore porn.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h25m34s567

Meanwhile, more sex and awful dialog that isn’t necessary to hear or talk about. In fact, the rest of the movie isn’t necessary to exist. That’s the last 45 minutes or so of the movie I’m referring to here.

Oh, yeah. Dumbass comes in dressed as Hamlet.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h38m13s556

To watch this, or watch Gums (1976) instead. I’ll find out soon enough whether anyone should watch either of them. Dumbass does get cast in the film as the male lead because what other purpose could he possibly serve in this movie otherwise.

Meanwhile, that foreign guy tries to eat a girl out or something. Then before you know it, he rides off on his bike like he’s Italian Batman.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h52m42s471

There’s some mix up about the casting now. At least the film knows we don’t care, so it brings out tits and the ladies attached to them to kill time.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h56m25s743

He has a thermometer stuck up his butt here too I think. Now for the long awaiting appearance from Thor.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-21h57m08s243

This is when the movie just goes on autopilot if autopilot was a program written by a grade schooler. It bounces around till it comes literally crashing into a pool at the end. With that in mind, here’s the second appearance of The Hulk.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h09m35s744

Yes, there was sex in there too. Moving on. I like this All American’s idea.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h10m11s162

He thinks they should take the women’s lib. approach and make the film a lesbian porn. You have to admit that if you’re in his situation, then that’s not a bad solution. It works on late night cable. The girl on girl scenes are obviously much easier to film.

Meanwhile, Mother Goose.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h11m29s817

That’s all I have to say about that.

Some construction work goes on now for the space capsule that they are going to splash into the pool to make up for a lack of a cum shot. That’s a sentence I wrote. They clearly needed more American flags on the set.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h22m21s012

Dumbass shows up and has a fake big penis in his shorts that the gay stereotype takes notice of before going off to pick up Miss Deep Jaws at the airport. He has some problems here. Let’s just say that Miss Deep Jaws doesn’t get that no means no.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h23m42s774

On the plus side, he can assure them they have found the right girl for the role before running off to find Dumbass in order to measure his penis.

During this the movie Gums appears to be going on in the pool, but nothing is ever made of it. Gums being the Jaws porno spoof with a mermaid that gives blow jobs to death. Just more pointless padding in a film that is already pointless. How pointless? This sex scene being inserted in while Miss Deep Jaws harasses the gay stereotype is a fine example.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h25m51s526

Also, I lied earlier about the lack of AMERICA! because we find out dumbasses big dick was a Captain America sock all along.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h29m32s009

More things happen before we finally get that appearance of Spider-Man who I’m sure is honored to be here.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h38m33s935

This walking around and talking by the pool goes on for about another 10 minutes, but then they finally drop the “space capsule” in the pool.

vlcsnap-2016-07-21-22h53m41s699

And movie! Or whatever this was before the blood red credits run and an actual theme song using the title plays. Oh, it’s bad as well.

In summary, it’s a horrible movie to have to sit through. In plot summary: they wanted to make a porn, but couldn’t really for some reason, so they thought they would get clever by making a movie about their very situation. It turned out like this movie. However, God bless America because only in the United States could you show this kind of garbage in theaters even in the 1970s.p

Film Review: Fugitive at 17 (2012, dir. Jim Donovan)


vlcsnap-2016-07-17-17h55m43s822

It’s been awhile since I did any of those Amazon Prime Recommendation Worm posts. Anyone who has read them remembers that the posters that are made up for the indie foreign films are often ridiculously misleading. With that in mind, lets look at the disc and menu for this movie.

image1

She does run right at the beginning of the movie. That’s about it. Oh, and there are no explosions in this film. Let’s take a look at the DVD menu.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-22h15m03s144

Again, we have those hilarious explosions that don’t exist in the movie. Also, that isn’t her laptop that she pretends to use in the movie. I love the crosshairs because I’m nearly 100% positive that no one shoots at her. I’m also quite sure that there are never choppers used in pursuit of her.

What can we conclude here? That they put “Fugitive” in the title and tried to sell it as if it were The Fugitive (1993). Yes, there is a comparable scene to the beard cutting one in The Fugitive. At least the DVD and the menu are honest that actor Marie Avgeropoulos is nowhere near 17. She was actually 25 when she made this movie. However, they had a good reason for it that I will explain later, so let’s dive in.

After showing our main character Holly (Marie Avgeropoulos) run away into an alley for the title card, we cut to 24 hours earlier in Philadelphia. This is when we get introduced to Holly and her underwhelming laptop.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-17h57m34s628

She has just installed a new OS so that “this puppy has more processing power than a brand-new computer.” It’s not BackTrack Linux running in a virtual machine that an actual hacker/pen-tester might use. Too bad. I was hoping they would at least have her do some war driving to find a WiFi network to use or set up a WiFi honeypot to capture the network traffic of the bad guy. Nope. She’ll just do bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit. Holly’s friend wants her to hack into the university she has applied to in order to see if she has been accepted. That means it’s time for Holly to show off her ability to look at screenshots inside of a browser and look intently as green text goes by her face.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-17h59m29s735

Yes, it is a screenshot sitting on the computer’s local hard drive of a browser showing a college’s website that she is viewing in another browser. Now that text starts to roll by.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-17h59m34s409

I love that she just instantly installs a backdoor. Not to give Tinfinger…I mean Blackhat (2015) too much credit, but at least Thor did a phishing attack to get the password to the system he wanted to break into. However, I do like this.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-17h59m46s125

Somebody actually knows that deleting things like IDS and firewall logs on your way out is a good idea in order to cover your tracks. Credit where credit is due. Keeping with Accused at 17 and Stalked at 17, Holly’s friend invites her to a college party, which she agrees to attend.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-18h06m49s295

Now we meet who I call Detective Padding (Christina Cox) and her son (Dylan Van Wylick). I call her that because while she is the one chasing Holly and will come to her rescue at the end, she only exists so that when they need to extend the runtime of the movie, they can cut to her.

Now it’s off to the party. That’s where we meet Dan (Daniel Rindress-Kay) over stealing WiFi from the factory next door to the party.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-18h09m41s346

Holly pokes around on her cellphone and tells him to try MillerEmployeeGeneral. It’s not likely that would actually work, but those would be the first kind of passwords that you would try before you’d do more involved things. What I love about this whole thing is that they now show her cellphone screen that says she is on cellular, not WiFi.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-18h15m47s440

Nothing can top “Logan’s Hacking Screen” from the Garage Sale Mystery series or almost every line from the hilariously bad Ex Machina (2015), but this is pretty funny.

Holly’s friend goes backstage with Spencer Oliphant (Casper Van Dien). He slips her some drugs. Unfortunately, she has an allergic reaction of sorts to the drugs that kills her. Fortunately, Holly’s pompadour sense goes off.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-18h24m22s369

One thing leads to another, and we find out why they cast a 25 year-old.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-18h27m53s833 (1)

When this film decides it’s time for Van Dien to get rough, he is quite rough with her. I’m sure they figured they’d play it safe by casting a 25 year-old rather than one who was only 18 or 19.

Because plot, she winds up getting accused of this whole thing since there was some sort of history of her stealing drugs using her imaginary hacking skills for her sick grandmother and those drugs winding up in the hands of her dead friend.

Now we get another example of her hacking skills. It just might blow your mind.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-19h45m54s589

Detective Padding gets a call from her son who has dropped his cellphone in the toilet. She actually follows up those lines by asking him how he dropped it in the toilet. I would say that she got her knowledge of boyhood from the film Boyhood (2014), but that was still two years out. Regardless of the fact that she didn’t know her son was masturbating when the phone slipped from his hand, she tells him that they had to confiscate the sorbent along with the rest of the drugs they found. Just kidding, she doesn’t know what to do, so that’s why Holly tells him to remove the battery and the SIM card, clean it off, and then put it in rice, which will act as an absorbent like sorbent does. Of course, that does depend on the phone not having already shorted out. If you want to see a hilarious example of that, then look up the TWiT episode (not sure which show) where Leo Laporte decided to test this stuff you coated your phone in to make it waterproof by dropping it in a glass of water. You could see it short out right away. The best thing about that was that the Apple Genius he took the phone to had seen the episode.

Meanwhile, back in the film, they couldn’t afford a train, so they put her in a van to be transferred. She breaks free when the other prisoners are saved by friends who attack the van. That’s when she decides to recreate the beard cutting scene from The Fugitive. Except Holly doesn’t have a beard to cut, so she dyes her hair instead.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-20h02m18s269

She also changes clothes and gets her fancy laptop. Now she decides that the place to start is to track down Dan from the party. That’s why she goes to the school website and types “Central University, Employee Log in” into the school site’s search box.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-20h07m46s167

That gets her right into the student records. As bad as Blackhat was, at least somebody looked up actual Unix commands that Michael Mann could cut to closeup shots of all the time. Again though, credit where credit is due. Dan comes home and…

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-20h13m33s354

finds her in his place already. I love that he asks her how she got in. He got into the “Central University of Pennsylvania” how exactly? Sadly, they will basically say it was due to her ability to pick locks instead of her simply socially engineering someone into letting her in as a girlfriend.

Detective Padding and Holly’s mom try to pretend they are part of the story now before we cut to Dan and Holly as they try to track down Van Dien. It turns out that some guitar players grow out their nails. Van Dien’s long nails are the only thing she remembers strongly about him. When I played, I always kept them short like I do for typing. However, they’ll explain that when you are trying to perform something like Spanish Caravan by The Doors, then having all your fingers on one of your hands as picks is handy.

They figure out the name of a faculty member who teaches music. That means it’s time for Holly to get in contact with Detective Padding so that she can check him out after they are sure he has his nails grown out. It being Lifetime, she interrupts Padding’s son’s near his downward spiral into the world of Internet porn.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-20h33m35s579

She is using something called Cloud Dial. I guess that’s Lifetime’s version of Skype. Holly eventually gets Padding on the line and it’s so cute how they try to have a Harrison Ford/Tommy Lee Jones conversation, but we need to move on.

As always: Of course Holly quickly finds this teacher and he leads her right to Van Dien. Before paying him a visit, she decides to remind us of a scene from Sneakers (1992).

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-21h10m32s976

To get to her grandmother in the hospital, she pretends to be a singing telegram. It was better in Sneakers when they used several people to overwhelm the staff till one of them gave in and just buzzed in Robert Redford. This version does has Kate Drummond from the Flower Shop Mystery series at the desk though since this movie was filmed in Canada.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-21h11m34s953

At this point, we can jump over a lot. Basically it’s a bunch of scenes to insure that we get the running time out to a feature film, and make sure Detective Padding and Grandma are still around.

It all comes down to a showdown between Detective Padding, Holly, and Van Dien. Van Dien loses. A quick party for Grandma is held before the movie ends abruptly. Then the first person who is credited is the “Financial Consultant”.

vlcsnap-2016-07-17-22h11m53s926

After that, it’s the standard “players” credits for these “at 17” movies.

Out of the four “at 17” movies I have watched recently, I think it’s a tie between Stalked at 17 and this one. That is if you must watch one of them that I have reviewed.

Film Review: Stalked at 17 (2012, dir. Doug Campbell)


vlcsnap-2016-07-13-19h22m25s049

Between 2009 and 2012, Lifetime must have really decided to get behind this “at 17” series of movies. You’ll notice it’s not just Stalked at 17, but Stalked at 17 TM. This time the opening credits tell us that this movie is “Inspired by True Events.” I guess you can say that when your plot is so vague that it must have happened to somebody somewhere.

The movie begins, and we are introduced to our main character played by Taylor Spreitler. I know her character has a name in the movie, but if the script isn’t going to stop making endless references to the show she was on at the time called Melissa & Joey, then I can call her Lennox.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-18h53m44s005

That’s a baby monitor that Lennox is listening to. That’s also most likely a future Lifetime movie when they realize that some Internet of Things baby monitors can be used to look inside other people’s homes. That is if they haven’t already. After Lennox goes to use the microwave, she is grabbed by the last 20 minutes or so of the movie before the film cuts to the title card, and it’s one year earlier.

Lennox and her friend are touring a college when we meet our bad guy for the movie on the left.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-19h29m36s950

It’s also when I realized that the subtitles on the DVD didn’t work and turned on the captions instead. I love that they cast Charles Hittinger as Psycho Dad so he would look really intimidating. It’s probably because if you’ve watched Melissa & Joey, then you know that Taylor Spreitler and vulnerable go together about as much as Bella Thorne and drama.

Psycho Dad invites them to a party, and they of course decide to go. Now, for no good reason whatsoever, a guy wearing a sombrero with a bullseye on his chest.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-19h34m52s739

We learn some very important information at the frat house. No, not that they decided to make him the one who was adopted by a councilwoman instead of Lennox. It’s that they run a very tight ship after Psycho Dad finds puke on the stairs.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-19h37m00s249

Now we meet Lennox’s dad played by none other than whitelighter himself Brian Krause.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-19h42m53s830

I agree, Leo. However, I think Doug Campbell was right to take the title of this movie and start calling the movies “Stalked by”. He’s just jealous because his wife played by Amy Pietz was in Stalked by My Neighbor (2015). This scene exists to tell us that they are having financial difficulties which will play no material role in the film.

Lennox and friend go to the party. As soon as the dialog tells us that Lennox is 16 at present, her and Psycho Dad immediately go upstairs together. After he tells her a sob story, they kiss and it fades to black before going to an establishing shot of her school.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-20h00m57s761

I hope you like establishing shots of her school because you’ll see them 4-5 times in this movie. Heck, later in the movie you’ll get the exact same shot, but only a minute or so before or after the other shot.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-21h36m18s928

Thanks to Lennox texting Psycho Dad, we learn that they did it on February 21st exactly because it is their two month anniversary.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-20h01m28s537

Oh yeah, and his name is Chad. Just like Mister 45 minutes from Accused at 17. Real original there screenwriter Christine Conradt. It looks like Conradt is really passionate about these “at 17” movies seeing as she’s produced five of them. According to her bio on IMDb, she has an “MCJ from Boston University where she focused on cybercrime and juvenile delinquency.” It’s weird that with a focus in cybercrime, she seems to have had nothing to do with Fugitive at 17 (2012) where the girl in question is a hacker.

Now Lennox forgets that this movie is called Stalked at 17 and not Pregnant at 17, but it’s too late. I love how this scene plays out. Lennox is talking to a male friend when she grabs her stomach, and is obviously sick. She makes a mad dash for the bathroom. He quickly follows, but stops at the door, and asks a girl standing nearby to go in to check on her.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-20h04m08s807

The line actually goes like this: “You really need to find a new friend cause that one out there couldn’t even be bothered to make sure you were okay, and sent me inside instead.”

Meanwhile, the film knows it needs to pad itself out.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-20h06m30s562

Lennox is at home and finds out she is indeed pregnant. While that is going on, Psycho Chad is buying jewelry online. Back in Lennox’s bedroom, the movie gives us lines that might as well amount to this: “I don’t know if he was wearing a condom. You know what they say? If you look at it, then you go blind. I just had to take his word for it.” Of course Psycho Chad is happy about the news because it means he’ll have a family of his own now with a child who will love him unconditionally.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-20h15m28s988

Then the two of them go to a restaurant where Psycho Chad blows up at a waiter. That’s basically the rest of the film. Chad gets nuttier, he gets in a fight with Leo, his biological mom he lied about being dead gets out of prison, and they finally get around to where the film started. At least it was fun to see Leo fighting with Psycho Chad along the way.

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-21h41m29s658

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-21h41m32s889

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-21h41m33s937

Lennox, baby, Psycho Chad, and Psycho Mom all end up at a convenience store where things go wrong and Psycho Chad is shot. Then it shows Lennox with the kid, and fades to black. I think this movie has earned the Godfrey Ho red screen end card for how abrupt the ending occurs.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h24m41s576

Thus ends the classic tale of girl meets boy, girl gets herself knocked up, boy turns out to want a family, boy turns out to be crazy, everyone does their best to pad out the film, boy is shot, and the credits role. I have to admit that aside from this and Accused at 17, I have never seen credits that start by referring to the cast as “the players.”

vlcsnap-2016-07-13-22h11m22s081

At least this one had some kind of a story. That’s way more than I can say for Accused at 17. I have Fugitive at 17 coming soon, then that will be my last “at 17” movie for now.

Film Review: Accused at 17 (2009, dir. Doug Campbell)


vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h08m36s840

I know Lisa would normally be the one to tackle these movies, but she just finished writing 40 reviews in about the span of a month. I think it goes without saying that she probably looks like this right now.

IMG_0848

I also think it goes without saying that shot doesn’t exist in this movie.

Before the title card appears, we are treated to credits over shots that make us think we are about to watch a crime TV Show. I wish. Something might actually happen if that were the case.

Now we cut to five days earlier where we can tell things are going well because the captions tell us so.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h08m46s247

We see some kids at school before we are introduced briefly to Cynthia Gibb at her job. Not sure what she does, and like most things in this movie, I don’t care. We then go back to the school to be introduced to obviously bad girl (Janet Montgomery) and low-rent Miriam McDonald (Stella Maeve) before cutting back to Gibb.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h09m19s238

Some guy shows up to remind us he exists in the movie, but not to me. The school returns so we can meet Chad (Reiley McClendon) and obviously good girl who will be “accused”, even though that barely has anything to do with the movie.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h09m58s257

Chad is here to tell her that she needs to cancel her plans and come to the best party of the year. I know this not only because the movie says so, but because when have you ever watched a movie where it isn’t supposed to be the greatest party of the year?

The guy who decided to exist for a bit brought along a pair of earrings so we can learn that the good girl is named Bianca (Nicole Gale Anderson). Already this movie is full of lies. Nicole Gale Anderson was 18 when she did this movie. She had long passed the age of 17 when you could be accused, stalked, betrayed, missing, pregnant, and become a fugitive all in the same year. It’s a long tradition going back at least as far as 1931 when Marian Marsh was in Under 18. She actually made that one when she was 17-18 years-old. When you turn 18, life just becomes one long snooze fest.

Bad girl shows up to make sure we know she’s very comfortable lying about people or animals dying before we can go to the party. That, and that her mother will totally back her lies up later in the movie. Fortunately, Bianca doesn’t make it to the party so Chad and another girl can have sex in a bathroom.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h15m27s929

The one whose hands those belong to is Dory (Lindsay Taylor). She’s named that because the movie isn’t very well written. Also, her last name in the movie is Holland which goes right along with Cynthia Gibb’s character’s first name Jacqui to create the name of porn/B-Movie star Jacqui Holland. I’ve reviewed several of her films on this site.

All you need to know now is that things don’t go well for Bianca in several ways. Bianca and her friends sit next to a pool in bikinis to talk about boys because they aren’t guys. Otherwise, they would be doing this same scene while playing basketball. We get to see Bianca leave a nice little voicemail for Chad.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h23m48s083

However, that’s not really what sets her off. This is what gets her riled up.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h20m37s700

45 minutes? Chad’s a 10 minute man, 15 at the most. That’s why the girls decide to pick up Dory to take her to where “the hottest frat guys ever” are located.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h27m06s648

Of course by that, they mean the set of Mojave (2015).

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h28m59s988

Sadly, Oscar Isaac is not there to greet them dressed as Antonio das Mortes. This makes Dory think something is up. She’s right. Dory punches Bianca to make sure she has a bruise on her forehead before she leaves the scene. Then obviously bad girl bashes Dory’s head in with a rock. That’s one Dead Dory.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-17h36m36s826

I did forget one thing. On the way over, Dory made sure to leave a hair clip in the car to be used later in the movie.

In between Bianca leaving and Dory’s head getting hit by a rock, Bianca made sure to stop by a gas station so that someone will have seen her. It matters greatly to the plot, and by that I mean next to nothing. A plot I guarantee won’t matter to you if you watch Accused at 17. Things, stuff, and then we are introduced to our buddy cops.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-18h18m00s227

They are clearly the best because they pay attention to every detail. In 2009, nobody was saying “Mackin'” anymore. That’s why they have a discussion as to whether they say “cuttin'”, “tappin’ it”, “hittin’ it”,  or “hookin’ up”. They question Chad and we find out they actually aren’t the best cops around.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-19h04m11s639

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-19h04m12s940

Officers, come on? Chad doesn’t seem like the type of guy who goes out to a Saturday Night Fish Fry.

However, I do believe that Chad is the kind of guy who takes Louis Jordan’s advice and when Bianca calls to ask if he’s alone, he tells her “no, I got three girls with me.”

Now they turn their attention to Bianca because the stuff in between the interrogations is really boring, so we need to keep moving along. There is a lot of padding in this movie. However, I have to give Janet Montgomery credit. She does a pretty good job of playing the evil girl. I also have to give the movie credit for how funny it was to see Bianca drive back to the scene of the head bashing the next day and call out Dory’s name as if she is just hiding somewhere. Just when the cop may actually be getting to something with his line of questioning, Cynthia Gibb interrupts to remind him that they still have about half a movie left to go so he better leave.

Now a couple of extras they gave hiking equipment find the body. Blah, blah, blah, and confrontation with evil girl’s mom.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-19h23m12s259

The gist of it is that Barbara Niven can play a lesbian in one movie, a nice mom in a Hallmark murder mystery series, and do roles like this. She’s very versatile. Nothing really of consequence happens here except evil girl and evil mom lie because otherwise how are they going to get away with calling this movie “Accused at 17.”

Well, finally the trip to the gas station earlier and the hair clip left in the car pay off when the cops notice there are only about 30 minutes left in the movie.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-19h38m19s158

They arrest her, so they can finally say with confidence that the title isn’t false advertising. More things happen, but it all amounts to Gibb and Bianca trying to prove her innocence till it’s time for bad girl to confront that other girl who only exists to be killed off.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-19h54m12s529

She apparently needs an inhaler, so evil girl takes it away and sprays all the puffs out of it. No big loss. Again, more stuff happens that is of no real consequence until bad girl pulls a gun on her father.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-20h06m23s703

Dad stops her, and everything is good again. That is except for Dory having had her head smashed in and that other girl having suffocated to death. None of that matters because Bianca puts on the earrings I mentioned earlier. The point of that is the guy who barely existed at the beginning of the film is Gibb’s new boyfriend/dad for Bianca so putting them on means she has accepted him.

vlcsnap-2016-07-12-20h08m49s488

This movie was terrible. I’m pretty sure more happened in Superdragon vs. Superman. The movies Stalked at 17 and and Betrayed at 17 arrived today. I’m so grateful that Lisa already reviewed Betrayed at 17 back in 2011. That means I only have to watch it, and not attempt to write about it.

Film Review: U.S. Catman: Lethal Track (1990, dir. Godfrey Ho)


vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h29m08s505

I guess I’ve mentioned director Godfrey Ho enough over the past year that it’s about time I actually reviewed one of his movies. I know I have explained it in other places, but I’ll do it here once more to have it on an actual Godfrey Ho movie review. Godfrey Ho is a director who worked in mainly in Asia during the 1980s and early 1990s. He was famous for the enormous number of films he created in such a short time using the cut-and-paste technique of making movies. What he would do is get together some caucasian actors and film about 15-20 minutes of footage with them. How specific the footage was to the film you’re reviewing is anybodies guess. Sometimes it does feel like he just filmed a bunch of random fights that would insert into several different films. He would then take an old, unreleased, or unfinished film from the region and splice his footage into it with editing done to the whole thing in order to make a new movie. This was a quick and dirty way to make a lot of films very fast. Ho was also known for lifting copyrighted music for his movies. I’ve heard a bit of Pink Floyd’s On The Run and for some reason he chose to use music from A Clockwork Orange (1971) for a touching reunion between a mother and her daughter. That’s the information you need to know before I review this film. Typically people will review Godfrey Ho movies by splitting the two films from each other into the original film (Movie A) and the Ho footage (Movie B), then talk about them separately while bringing up how the two separate movies are linked together. That’s what I am going to do here. Especially because the link barely exists this time around.

Also, Godfrey Ho used many pseudonyms for his films. This time around the role of director Godfrey Ho will be played by Alton Cheung.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h26m40s914

Movie A:

Movie A begins with a bus being robbed. They get the bag they need and drive off to the fortress of badly dubbed Asians who have no idea they are in U.S. Catman: Lethal Track. Inside, we meet a guy who I refer to as One Eye.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h37m36s872

He’s our villain for Movie A. What his original purpose was…I have no idea. In fact, that can sum up Movie A in a nutshell: I can tell you what happens, but I have no idea why any of it is happening.

One Eye has received a shipment of weapons. Now we cut to party time!

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h54m56s005

Unfortunately, the party turns sour when this guy pulls a gun out of his drum.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h57m10s884

He kidnaps some people. Who knows their identities and who cares?

We now go to a guy driving on the road who is pulled over by a guy in the road. He tells him something that was probably important in the original film. Here it’s nearly incompressible. Also, why was he flagged down in the middle of the road when the next scene is him being shown the guy who was kidnapped? When you watch Godfrey Ho movies, it’s best not to ask questions like that. Unless you are lucky enough to not only find out what the original film was, but get ahold of a copy, your question will go unanswered.

Back with One Eye, they talk for awhile. All you need to know is that they agree they are all brothers.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h13m30s384

Meanwhile, some guys fall for the old guy hanging on a tree trick while driving along and get themselves kidnapped too.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h19m29s253

One Eye is amassing an impressive collection of people for some reason that has to do with his thin as human hair connection to Movie B.

Now we are introduced to motorcycle girl who is posing as a guy.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h20m52s043

I’m sure there was an explanation for her existence or why she seems to have it out for One Eye, but here she just seems to be out for him for no particular reason. She introduces herself as Frederick. Gigi here seems to like what she sees.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h25m58s609

Then motorcycle girl sits down to be surrounded by some guys and get into a fight. I’m assuming the director of the original film was a fan of the scene from either Come Drink With Me (1966) and/or Django (1966). They have the same scene in them. It’s just that one uses martial arts and the other a gun. You are probably more familiar with the scene from Come Drink With Me since they recreated it for the movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000). Of course this being a scene in Movie A, it goes absolutely no where. I love the summary on IMDb for Movie A:

“The other half of the movie is a about a whole bunch of Asian people that are just beating each other up for no reason, including a tall guy with an eyepatch and a woman that looks like a man. They have no real purpose in the movie, and seem to just be thrown in.”

That about sums it up.

Motorcycle girl gets a room where some more fighting happens. Also, we get a little comedy bit too. Then something just plain confusing occurs. I mean more confusing than the rest of this film.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h55m53s756

And zoom in with love music playing.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h56m00s102

Because of the way Ho cut this all together, these two women appear to have just had lesbian sex. Honestly, the shot is so dark, her face kind of looks different, and her chest looks really flat that unless she’s binding, I have a feeling this is a different character that looked similar enough to the motorcycle girl, so Ho had the same woman dub both people and thus they are the same person. I have not been so confused by a Godfrey Ho movie since Ninja Champion (1985). Ninja Champion is a rape revenge movie that I’m quite sure had no rape in the original movie called Poisonous Rose Stripping The Night (1985). I’m also pretty sure the “retarded” character had those stereotypical retarded sounds just to cover up dialog that would otherwise be silent over moving lips. Let’s just assume that Gigi is a lesbian and motorcycle girl must be too, or just went along with it. It’s never really brought up again.

Back with One Eye, he decides to cut down a woman he has kidnapped and rapes her.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h59m30s801

I haven’t gotten around to reviewing Troll 3/Quest for the Mighty Sword (1990), but let’s go ahead and play the rape horn.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h13m52s102

Now One Eye pays a visit to a general he has kidnapped. He does this so he can mention the name of a character from Movie B that he apparently is working for in order to overthrow the general’s country. A couple lines like that is all you’ll get in this film as a whole. Believe me when I say that Godfrey Ho usually does go to greater extents to make characters from one movie genuinely appear to know characters from the other film. That usually involves a conversation either over the telephone or thru the magic editing technique of cutting back and forth between two people without including a shot that shows them in the same place together. You’ll see none of that here. Just the occasional name drop.

Now motorcycle girl has an action sequence for…um…reasons? I know I ask that in a lot of my movie reviews, but…oh, wait. She has an action sequence so that she can show off her sweet shotgun while on a motorcycle skills.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h20m36s316

That’s a good enough reason I’d say. As for who she is fighting, it’s just some random people who stop her in the road. Welcome to Godfrey Ho movies where sense has no place.

Speaking of no sense, this guy shows up with a Molotov Cocktail and saves her life.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h21m54s649

Did that makes sense to you and you’re disappointed? Don’t worry. This film has got you covered because it now cuts to random referee guy who is spying on One Eye’s fortress of badly dubbed Asians.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h25m22s308

Too bad for him though because he is soon captured by a movie cliche.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h26m59s244

One Eye now tells us his origin story to the referee:

“I killed my father when I was 15. That’s right. He was fucking my girl on my bed. I blew his brains out and he took my eye.”

That’s interesting. Not sure how someone takes your eye after you have blown their head off though. I’m sure it’s explained in another part of the story this film is based on by AAV Creative Unit and left out by Godfrey Ho when he developed the story or was removed when Andrew Chan wrote the screenplay.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h31m49s900

The next part is rather long. It goes without saying that it is pointless. The guy who rescued her figures out he’s a she. He actually tells her that maybe if she ate a little, then her “tits” would grow. I said it’s never really brought up again, but I’m pretty sure this is the same girl from earlier.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h54m58s347

Motorcycle girl smiles at her implying the sex did happen. Also, this girl is happy to see her too. Even other people in the room act like they can see they like each other. That really leads me to believe they had a guy for some, or all of the scenes just dubbed with a woman’s voice.

There’s some escaping, some getting angry, and this guy gets a Rambo trap sprung on him.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h07m41s759

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h07m45s054

Then the movie cuts back to the dumbest thing in Movie B, but we’ll get to that later.

After that, it’s just one long action sequence broken up with Movie B and few lulls in the action. There is one thing to make of note of here. While a guy is just talking to this guy shown below, a sudden music stinger kicks in, it zooms in on his face, and then just cuts back to the other guy talking as if he had just been calmly talking the whole time.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h03m15s237

That kind of sudden zoom and music stinger that is out of context with the film seems to be a thing that happens in Godfrey Ho movies as a hazard of splicing two films together.

In the end, One Eye meets his fate.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h11m40s589

There’s something weird here too. He shoots him and One Eye appears to fall off the bracing in this barn. We never see his body. It’s just that he fell, and then it cuts to the shooter leaving the barn. I get the feeing that his death didn’t actually happen there in the original film.

End of Movie A!

Movie B:

Now we get to the U.S. Catman part of the movie and how this all links in together.

After One Eye gets his shipment of weapons at the beginning of Movie A, we cut to Movie B to a see a van with a radioactive symbol on it pass Catman and his sidekick.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h39m14s311

These guys are so American. The sidekick is wearing a Lowe’s hat, Catman is wearing an “American Sports” jersey, and they just got back from playing baseball. Catman’s sidekick is going to be joining the CIA. At least I think that’s what they said. It’s kind of confusing. Then we hear the car drivers talk about the cat, cat piss, and then that one of the drivers has to take a piss as a result of their discussion.

Time to meet two drug addicts who are nearby to all this.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h41m46s343

They can talk all they want about needing a hit, but it’s clearly the full screen aspect ratio that is their real problem. They try to rob the truck with the radioactive cat inside. Catman and his sidekick come to the rescue and we discover why the pause button was invented.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h50m03s709

As you already have guessed, he gets scratched by the radioactive cat during the fight. I love that they insert ninja sword sound effects for when the bats are swung around.

Now we cut to a graveyard to find out how Movie A and Movie B have any semblance of a connection.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-16h59m18s328

That’s cult leader Cheever. He is meeting with a guy that must be Russian because of his accent. He talks about previous attempts to take over countries such as Afghanistan that have failed. The gist is that Cheever is supposed to get in touch with the folks from Movie A to support them in order to get the people first to then overthrow the government. This, as opposed to going in with force. They drop a couple of names to make sure we know that they know what is going on over in Movie A. They are planning on starting with Thailand since that’s where Movie A happens to take place.

Then we cut to two guys talking about this whole Cheever situation. The one on the left tells the one on the right to check out the Holy Cheever Church. You’ll never see him again. Unless he is somehow Catman’s sidekick even though said sidekick has no idea what the Holy Cheever Church is later on.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h17m26s707

Now Catman is woken up from sleep feeling funny. He discovers that he can touch or seemingly point at electronics and they will turn on. You’ll see him use that power…never in this movie. We do see CNN on TV during this scene, which appears to be talking about Winston Churchill.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h34m49s790

Then just as he is getting really happy, his friend walks right in. They’re only working with about 15 minutes of footage here so they have to keep it moving. His friend decides that if he can make electronics turn on, then maybe he can light a cigarette by looking at it. It works of course.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h43m43s740

With that out of the way we get: “I feel so strong. I feel I could punch a hole in a fucking wall!”

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h46m47s538

Clearly he has some sort of super strength. There’s one last thing that needs to be checked.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-17h46m51s831

I’m not kidding when I say they look down wondering if his penis also has super strength too before staring at the hole in the wall again. I guess there is a guy out there who meets up to the standards the girl from Real Genius (1985) has about men she sees. That being a guy who can hammer a six-inch spike through a board with his penis, as she says in that movie. Again, super strength and all are powers that will not really be brought up again.

Time to see Catman in action! The drug addicts from earlier try to rob Catman’s sidekick who is disguised as a road construction worker when Catman shows up to save the day.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h05m15s964

No, I didn’t leave anything out. No explanation is ever given about his uniform. Nor is any explanation given how he can deflect bullets with his wrists.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h04m51s665

He beats them up and recovers some tube. Not sure what this tube is, but he does mention checking it out using their Cat Computer. You’ll never see it, but they will say it has given them a clue called HCC, which stands for the Holy Cheever Church.

Coming out of church they see a guy just lying around, which means he might know something.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h30m37s941

He wants coffee and a hamburger first. Luckily, a neighbourhood 7-Eleven store is nearby.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-18h33m27s629

Now we cut to the Holy Cheever Church. It’s the best part of the movie.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h09m12s981

We’ve got our woman strung up onstage.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h09m23s427

Then we have a guy juggling, a guy playing with hairspray, a guy hand banging, and a guy training with a punching bag.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h11m16s153

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h11m18s719

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h11m20s434

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h11m24s710

They’re the best, or something. Cheever seems pleased which is why he points to something with his cane, it lights on fire, and then it immediately cuts to a woman shampooing her hair. Oh, and the girl onstage was raped by Cheever when she was 13 and has been had by the other guys. I guess that includes the shampooing girl too? She sure seems happy that the woman onstage has been sentenced to death for giving away secrets in what must have been lost footage. She even says, “Kill that bitch!” She’s even chosen to do the decapitation. She really gets into things when her hair is covered with soap. Seriously, what is this?

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h14m56s506

Then Catman shows up. In comes either the sidekick or the guy undercover. Doesn’t matter. They let tied up woman loose and she sprays them both with something that knocks them out. They wake up on the “Don’t Fuck With Cheever” bullseye.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h44m36s178

I have to admit that I didn’t notice any of this sidekick and/or undercover agent confusion while watching this movie. Probably because I was trying to make some sense out of Movie A.

Then we are back at Catman’s apartment where he is drawing sketches of the bad guys when Cheever comes on TV to be interviewed. Catman is surprised.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-19h54m54s172

I would be too. He just spent all that time making sketches of the bad guys and then Cheever ruins it all by just coming on TV to announce where he’ll be. I love that Cheever says his special event called “Everybody Go To God” is going to have more than 200,000 in attendance. Catman calls up to get the details. Either this event never exactly happens, or only a couple of people show up.

At this point, One Eye is dead. The movie has 5 minutes left to wrap up the Catman plot line now. Now Catman and his sidekick stumble upon the guy from earlier on their way to the Cheever event, which they are having trouble finding. That’s why they decide this guy probably knows where it is located.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h16m04s954

He tries to get away, but there’s no running from Catman and his sidekick. Especially not his sidekick who punches him several times in the stomach. He tells them where the event is, so they split up.

Catman springs into action by running through the camera to change into his outfit.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h16m52s382

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h16m56s843

They arrive and I guess the drug addicts are working for Cheever? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. All you need to know is that Cheever says, “I’m gonna burn you alive. I always liked hot pussy.” Then some fighting happens that kills the sidekick guy. Catman pulls a Batarang style thing from his visor and throws it into the chest of Cheever that kills him. Since it is a Godfrey Ho movie, the second that actor lies down and turns his head slightly, it cuts to “The End.” No time to waste.

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h24m40s612

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h24m41s576

Clearly there was just too much mystery here, which is why there is a sequel called U.S. Catman 2: Boxer Blow (1993).

vlcsnap-2016-07-05-20h36m34s423

I’m not kidding that there was too much mystery. Apparently his sidekick is back in the sequel. Does he look like he’s alive here?

vlcsnap-2016-07-02-20h23m24s646

Again, is he the guy from the beginning? Is he someone else? What happened to the other cult members? They weren’t at the miniature over 200,000 people meeting at the end. What was this “Lethal Track” the title spoke of? This was a real mess.

My final thoughts are that I did like the Catman parts just for how goofy they are, but that the rest worthless. I am looking forward to watching the sequel. However, if you are new to Godfrey Ho, then I recommend one of the Pierre Kirby movies. He’s the best actor he worked with that I have seen so far. They are also less confusing for the most part. Go with something like Thunder of Gigantic Serpent (1988).

Late Night Cable Movie Review: Wicked Deeds (2016, dir. Seth Kieffer)


IMG_1407

Wicked Deeds is much like Carnal Wishes (2015) in that it takes a familiar film noir and/or noirish elements and adds explicit sex. However, unlike Carnal Wishes, it screws up in my opinion. Also, I doubt that my review of Wicked Deeds will end up being a part of a political scandal like it was when Ted Cruz pulled that attack ad of his. She didn’t even have a sex scene in the movie, but only made a cameo appearance at the end of the film. That didn’t stop the law firm Rick Santorum once worked for from paying a visit to my review.

CbulTNpUEAAloLp

I’m not really surprised that somebody at K&L Gates looked at my review. What I am surprised at is that I didn’t do any hacking to get that image. I was looking at our site’s stat section when I saw a weird URL so I clicked on it. What should have just been an internal network message from some sort of edge router to the person coming to my review from a computer at the firm was actually at a publicly accessible URL. I’ve seen this one other time on another one of my late night cable reviews. I don’t know why ScanSafe thought this was a good idea.

I also don’t know why the filmmakers of Wicked Deeds thought it was a good idea to take an otherwise decent porno noir and extend the sex scenes so long that any pacing is broken. At least they were kind enough to give me a title card that I didn’t have to black box in any way.

The movie begins like slasher movies do. Except instead of someone getting killed, two people have sex. The two people are a married couple. She is named Kira (Anna Morna). Luckily, we are getting An Erotic Tale of Ms. Dracula (2014) Anna Morna rather than Lolita from Interstellar Space (2014) Anna Morna. The husband is Roy (Chad White). He too was in both An Erotic Tale of Ms. Dracula and Lolita from Interstellar Space. You may remember him as playing Van Helsing. I will give the sex scenes in this movie one thing. They tend to be more intimate and erotic, then the usual stuff you see. That’s why I don’t mind this opening sex scene so much, but them reusing the length of this scene for all of them, becomes a problem. This sex scene should have been the longest to establish intimacy between the married couple, while the later sex scenes should have gotten shorter and shorter to go along with the building of suspense in the film.

IMG_1499

Something else to mention here is that this is another one of these that was shot by Lex Lynne Smith. So, no matter what, it is well shot for these movies. Usually that’s something you say almost as an insult to a film, but after seeing some of these shot on video sex late night cable movies like Monster of the Nudist Colony (2013), I mean it genuinely.

After they are finished, we get a scene almost like the one from Carnal Wishes. At the end of the married couple’s sex scene he just got up and left for a late night meeting. Here, we find out that he is going out of town to do some survey work. She kind of wants to come along, but he tells her that they both know she doesn’t like the jungle heat. She brings up that the hotel probably has a nice spa so that he has an excuse to bring up that he finally heard back from the handyman who is going to fix their spa. It’s not only part of the setup for the film, but also an obvious reference to the stereotype that all porn begins with a woman inviting over a pizza deliveryman for sex. She also mentions that she would feel more comfortable if she had a gun in the house also as a setup for something later in the film. He says absolutely not, and that having guns in the house means it’s just an accident waiting to happen. Funny how some these porno films seem to have more progressive politics than a lot of mainstream cinema.

IMG_1927

Anyways, you can see that there is a gun in the house. It’s in his night table, but even having watched the whole film, I still don’t know if it was a gun he or she was keeping in secret. She wakes up to find that not only has her husband left a rose on his pillow for her, but the handyman named Derrick (Ryan McLane) has arrived. You may remember Ryan McLane as the toughest scientist to convert in Vixens from Venus (2016).

IMG_1977

She goes back inside the house and receives a mysterious phone call asking her who the killer was in the first Friday the 13th movie. That, or something about telling her that her husband needs to stay out of Mexico. She tries to get in touch with him, but no such luck. She calls her sister-in-law Rose (Chanel Preston). She comes over to try and calm her down. I don’t know where you might know Chanel Preston from, but she did play Marilyn Chambers in Night at the Erotic Museum (2015). That reminds me that I will have to get around to reviewing Behind the Green Door (1972). Not because it was a landmark film of the genre, but because an early childhood friend of mine was the daughter of parents who managed the Mitchell brother’s empire. Neither of us was told by our parents till we were older.

Kira goes to take a shower or something and comes back to find this.

IMG_2121

It’s another joke about the whole pizza deliveryman cliche. This is also where the film starts to get strange because Kira talks with her sister shortly afterwards and she denies it ever happened. At this point, Kira just chalks it up to her sister being embarrassed to have hooked up with a handyman she has never met before. But the weirdness doesn’t stop here. It only grows. I think it’s safe to say that the film is going for the Gaslight (1944) type thing here. It’s not really a spoiler because I am going to explain the whole thing anyways.

After talking with her sister, Kira lies down and appears to go to sleep. Then we are treated to a sex scene between her and the handyman. Interestingly, she wakes up suddenly from it in her bed rather than on the couch where she was lying down before the scene started or at the pool where the scene occurred. It goes without saying that she still can’t reach her husband.

Sis continues to try and calm her down, which is precisely why she invites her friend Tracy over so that actress Silvia Saige can get her fifth acting credit on IMDb. Once again, it’s a sex scene that goes on way too long. It’s there because it’s another thing that Kira needs to witness to further push her into a perceived insanity when everyone acts like it didn’t happen.

IMG_2880

Even the pictures/video she takes with her not-iPhone will end up magically disappearing later on. After that scene finally ends, we get a reappearance of Mister New Jersey Show Me State from Scared Topless (2015). That being Billy Chappell making an appearance as another handyman there to fix the spa. He even has a text that he claims was sent by Kira to him.

IMG_3128

Kira finds that the pictures are missing and everyone denies anything she has seen. She goes up to bed, which apparently means the couch where her husband appears out of nowhere.

IMG_3289

The scene of course goes on too long again. The next morning she finds the rose on his pillow, but when she gets Roy on the phone he says he’s still in Mexico. Kira’s sister is very concerned and brings in a doctor played by Robert Baldwin.

IMG_3717

It’s not likely, but you may have seen Baldwin in something like the Fred Olen Ray film Illicit Dreams 2 (1998). As you can see, he is very concerned for Kira. Again, she goes to sleep and again, she is visited for another sexual encounter. This time it’s the original handyman.

IMG_3751

This is when things really start to spin out of control. I say that because even my iPad decided this scene needed a Dutch tilt.

IMG_4172

Kira confronts the handyman about taking advantage of her while she was drugged by the doctor. She cuts him with a knife and he flees. She then tells her sister that she thinks she might have been raped. Then the handyman comes downstairs and doesn’t remember any of it. In fact, he’s not even cut.

IMG_4265

Kira kicks both her sister and the handyman out of the house, but finds blood on the floor. She comes into her living room to head upstairs and sees the other handyman with Tracy.

IMG_4337

This is a perfect example of why this film ultimately doesn’t work. This should immediately lead to her going upstairs to discover this.

IMG_4625

This scene should also be followed immediately by her passing out and falling down the stairs, which then leads us to our dramatic reveal and ending. But in both cases, they lead to long sex scenes. It completely ruins the suspenseful atmosphere that should be present in this part of the film. It leads me to believe that on the one hand they wanted to do this Gaslight style story, but on the other hand they were obligated to have a certain number of sex scenes that were required to be of a certain length. It’s like watching an action movie where foot or car chases go on so long that you are no longer caught up in the moment. Too bad cause I like the ending.

It turns out that the husband and the sister-in-law arranged this whole thing to drive Kira crazy. The doctor even performed ECT on her. The idea was that the only way Roy could get around the prenup that Kira’s brother had him sign was to get her committed.

IMG_4954

But what about that gun from earlier?

IMG_4983

IMG_4989

Cut to black, and we hear gunshots.

If they had just trimmed down the sex scenes so that they moved from long and intimate to short almost glimpses as her mind spiraled more out of control, then this could have been one of the best of these I’ve seen so far. Sadly, it doesn’t do that. It’s one of these films that I call a missed opportunity.