Finally, I’ve reached the last one of the Sal V. Miers late night cable movies currently available. This is the second best one after Bikini Model Mayhem (2016). Again, Miers politics are all over this one like they were in Bikini Model Mayhem. He also added some of his love for Old Hollywood into the mix. Let’s dig in.
After another one of those annoying title cards that I had to black box, we are introduced to one of our main characters and a guy who will disappear as fast as he did Bikini Model Mayhem.
That’s Officer Supansky on the right. He’s played by Robbie Carroll who needed to be convinced to support G.W. Bushwacker in Bikini Model Mayhem. On the left is Felicity who is played by Katie Morgan. You may remember her as playing the first robot we were introduced to in Bikini Model Mayhem and the warden in Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016). This film is much more of an ensemble cast movie than Bikini Model Mayhem or Bad Girls Behind Bars. He is not actually revealed to be a cop quite yet. He is here to hire her for a whopping $50. She doesn’t think that’s enough. I’m pretty sure what he does next would be considered entrapment. He strips butt naked. That apparently makes things totally different for her. Of course we can’t see that for no good reason except this is late night cable. In fact, just after she goes in with her mouth, it cuts to the outside of the building. Then it goes back inside for the standard game of hide the penis while the guy stays in a Zen like trance and either the girl goes over the top or tries to match his intensity. I believe this is the only time I’ve seen the male actors sweat, or at least appear to sweat. Once that business is over with he proves himself to be the dick they can show.
No seriously, his full name is Dick Supansky. Then I learn another interesting phrase from a Miers’ movie. According to her, he “got his ashes hauled.” I still prefer the burping of the worm joke from Bad Girls Behind Bars. He offers her an alternative to going to jail. She can go participate in a ridiculous plot so the movie can make a political statement instead of having to serve time. She of course takes his offer instead of jail because we already had that movie.
Before we get to find out what she is going to have to do, we are introduced to a character that honestly had me worried. I know having a character who has “cognitive disabilities” didn’t stop the movie Forrest Gump (1994) from him having sex. Regardless, it had me worried, but there’s a payoff to this.
That’s Charlie played by Brandon C. Greene. He works as the janitor at a science facility. In the end, it’s his film as he slowly but surely emerges from the background.
From right to left that’s easy to manipulate (Otto Bauer), harder to manipulate (Pristine Edge), and hardest to manipulate (Ryan McLane). Pristine Edge. I like that one. I also like that if you change Otto and Ryan to Jack and John, then you get Jack Bauer and John McLane.
Next we meet the two ladies who will be joining Felicity.
That’s Piper on the left played by Erika Jordan and Violet in the middle played by Dillion Harper. We find out that 18 months prior, the scientists made contact with aliens from Venus because of course they did. Also because of course they did, they want to use a mind transfer device to put three people from Venus in their bodies. Felicity is a little confused. Not as confused as Violet though since she thought the scientists meant they would baking cookies to host a party for the people from Venus. Felicity wonders why the three of them are ideal candidates. I mean she’s a hooker, Piper is a drug runner, and Violet jaywalked after she robbed a liquor store. The scientists explain the deal. First, they don’t have much choice. Two, the people from Venus insisted on attractive women. Felicity still thinks this is weird, but I know this would seal the deal for me.
That’s a face you can trust. However, they aren’t convinced yet. That’s when they leave the lab set of Bikini Model Mayhem to talk outside of what looks like a house painted blue. Let’s get the political commentary in here now. Felicity says it sounds scary, Violet says “they are scientists”, Felicity says “What does that have to do with anything?”, and Piper asks her if she is a Republican.
Time for Old Hollywood. Felicity says it all seems a little too Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948). Violet says Freaky Friday. I think we can safely say she is referring to the Lindsay Lohan version considering Felicity responds with “there’s no accounting for taste.” It’s sad, but I haven’t seen either version or Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein. No, they don’t make the joke at the start of a sex scene about Who’s On First.
Anyhow, they decide to do it so Piper steps inside of a shower…
and emerges as Zorax. Felicity becomes Zonondor. Violet becomes Zimbabwe. The movie is on auto-pilot now. The three visitors from Venus are here to drain the scientists of their smarts via an orgasm, or the “little death” as they call it. They aren’t really worried about the male ones, which is why they insisted on attractive women to be their hosts. They didn’t know that “one of the greatest minds on Earth” could be female based on their “survey of Earth’s popular culture.” Zorax says this, to which Zonondor corrects her that this was true “at least, not up until the 1960’s.” Very true. We didn’t even get Space Mutiny till 1988 and the MST3K episode on it till 1997.
David Ryder: Listen, lady!
Lea Jansen: Doctor!
David Ryder: Doctor!
Crow: Doctor Lady!
Also, harder to manipulate must have been bisexual as all women in late night cable movies are because it just takes Zorax saying she saw a spider for her to be all over her. They are also bisexual presumedly because that stuff is much easier than playing hide the sausage from the camera. The hardest to manipulate is that way because he and hard to manipulate are an item. He eventually caves in and is turned into a blabbering idiot like his colleagues.
During all of this, Charlie has become more and more of a prominent character as he finds a pair of panties and notices these very smart people he works around are acting like children. He’s onto the visitors from Venus. He has a nice little conversation with the ladies. He explains that he knows he’s not the smartest person around. He knows he’s stuck taking care of the scientists since the universe of this movie stops at the edge of the set. They tell him smarts aren’t everything. He tells them that it’s still helpful. He’s also not 100% convinced that these visitors really are doing this for the greater good to prevent Earth from coming after Venus. He explains that the scientists could have done great things, but now they are helpless. Ultimately, he proposes that while he believes they could have focused their smarts on problems at home instead of space exploration, why not leave their smarts with him. The visitors had already made it clear that the smarts they got from the scientists were really of no use to them.
Of course his argument is solid and so is another part of him because that’s the only way the transfer is going to work.
With the ladies given their bodies back, they depart to leave Charlie to get to work. Oh, but before Felicity leaves, she actually offers her services to Charlie who says he already had that while she was out. Charlie decides to roll up his sleeves and get to work.
So, let’s say you strip out all of the sex from this movie. You have three white scientists who are interested in exploring space. Three women are given a chance to be a plot device instead of going to jail. One of which was arrested by a cop who took advantage of her because according to him: “I can.” Three visitors from Venus come to Earth because they believe these three white scientists are going to use their intelligence to ultimately attack them. They deliberately insist on attractive female bodies because they are convinced by Earth’s popular culture that the scientists can only be straight men. They drain the three scientists of their smarts. A lightly mentally handicapped black man figures them out. He convinces them to give him their smarts with the concession that he’ll focus on problems here on Earth. Interesting.
Then just like Bad Girls Behind Bars, we get a blooper reel. It’s far more complete though. The only part of it that is noteworthy is when you can hear Miers speaking. Miers says, “I’m rolling sound…unlike when I started in this business. Buster Keaton, he was, he was great.”
I couldn’t find that explicit quote doing a cursory Google search, but it certainly fits Keaton.
Here is how I rank the three Sal V. Miers movies currently available through the Cinemax/HBO apps: