Late Night Cable Horror: Scared Topless (2013, dir. Jim Wynorski)


IMG_1208

I think director Jim Wynorski just recycled a title here because he also directed The Bare Wench Project 2: Scared Topless in 2001. I really don’t need to see that because it probably has the girls bath in snot. No joke, there’s something like that here.

The movie opens with a lady in a one piece bathing suit seductively washing an old car while ~1930’s jazz plays.

IMG_1125

Note that it’s in HD, widescreen, and color because your mind is about to be blown. First we see a hand reach out to a blonde who is sitting on a bench behind the car. She doesn’t come to him so he goes to the girl in the bathing suit.

IMG_1136

That’s a WWII uniform. Then they proceed to have sex. That’s when it suddenly cuts to some people sitting on a coach watching them on TV. By the way, this guy looks happy, doesn’t he?

IMG_1141

Maybe he was just informed that this was not only one of those where the girls look into the camera, but also was just told about the ectoplasm scene later in the movie.

Anyways, now Professor Rand (Michael Swan) informs us that we were watching Hollywood couple Gayle Evelyn and Peter Sherwood. Them screwing by a pool was the last time they were seen in front of a camera. And then.

IMG_1147

Yep. Now we’ve mixed the 1940’s with the 1920’s. Oh, and nobody corrects her. However, she does go on to say she “didn’t even know sex existed back then.”

IMG_1148

Thank you, Frankie Cullen. Thank you for showing us what our face is going to look like just about anytime anyone in this movie opens their mouth to say something. Now we find out that Sherwood rose to fame in the 1930’s. At this point, I don’t care. 1920s, 1930s, and the 1940s are the same decade as far as this movie is concerned. Now we get some story about how they both died. It really doesn’t matter. All you need to know is he died in a plane crash and she locked herself up in a mansion all alone.

This is apparently an advanced psychokinesis class. Now it’s off to the haunted house where they are going to spend a couple of nights. This is also where we finally get that title card at the start of this review. Also, Jim Wynorski used the pseudonym Harold Blueberry for this movie.

But before we go we need to have two sex scenes. This one guy goes at it with his girlfriend, who we learn is the skeptic of the bunch. It’s because he’s from the Show Me state. You know…New Jersey!

IMG_1226

After that is over with, Cullen and one of the other girls go and visit a psychic. By that, I mean they have a threesome with her. But not before Frankie Cullen gives use these lines.

Cullen: “I don’t know about you, doll, but if she appears to me, don’t go grabbing for the trousers flying out the front door.”
Girl: “Why?”
Cullen: “Cause I’ll be in ’em. Any horny ghost shows up, I’m gone.”

Now we arrive at the mansion. We meet a girl who is supposed to be the great granddaughter of that blonde sitting on the bench at the beginning of the movie who was named Dawn Cummings. Dawn was Gayle Evelyn’s best friend. Apparently, she was also the one filming that video. We also learn that one of the girls is into the paranormal stuff cause her dad was a magician.

Now the three girls go and have a shower together. Cause of course they do. It’s actually a humorous scene because the one girl has breasts bigger than the shortest girl’s head. She’s on one side of the short girl and another girl taller than her is on the other.

Anyways, after washing each other with Oil Of Olay soap, the psychic from earlier and her sidekick show up. And of course they proceed to go at it with mister Show Me state. Oh, I’m sorry, they read his palm. When they go to kiss his palm, music that sounds like it’s from Friday the 13th plays for a few seconds. Funny since Michael Swan who plays the Professor was in Part VI.

Now we finally get some paranormal activity.

IMG_1302

That’s Gayle Evelyn who shows up in one of the girl’s rooms. Of course they have sex. Then this happens.

IMG_1313

I’d say that’s the scariest thing in this movie, but that would be the ectoplasm scene. Now the possessed blonde goes and visits Frankie Cullen. After noting that her lingerie is “fun for the whole family.” He has sex with Gayle Evelyn through her new body. They keep changing the girls out during the scene.

After the Professor makes it clear that he bought this special thing that can contact the dead from an old fakir, not an old fucker, things start to come to a head. Luckily, Show Me state brought holy water with him that he never uses in this movie. The house shakes and so that’s when the Professor says they need to follow him to see if this manifestation leads them to Gayle Evelyn. Cue Frankie Cullen.

Cullen: “Um, I may have already been there, done that.”
Professor: “How do you mean?”
Cullen: “Well, earlier this afternoon, I may have had a close encounter with the spirit world.”
Professor: “You mean you felt her presence?”
Cullen: “That’s not all I felt.”

IMG_1360

Oh, Frankie, you kill me. But not as much as the next scene.

IMG_1368

The girl’s get together and after some ectoplasm drips on the one girl, they all bathe in it naked. You know, just like that scene in Ghostbusters (1984). This scene is disgusting. Let’s move on.

Of course that means to another sex scene. Show Me state goes into a room where an old radio is playing when the ghost of Dawn Cummings shows up. After informing her that she is the “ghostest with the mostest”, they have sex.

Running into Cullen and the Professor, he tells them that while he didn’t speak to Gayle he did get a “mouthful from her friend Dawn”. This whole conversation amounts to the dead couple needing to be reunited, which happens in short order. Then just when we think the movie is over a man steps out of the shadows.

IMG_1449

That’s the dead father who was a magician. He returns to tell his daughter to “believe in magic, sweet heart. Just believe.” A sentimental ending to a movie that had five girls bathe in what was clearly meant to look like sperm. I can’t say I expected to see that.

This one wasn’t bad. Well, except for some of the music. This is one that uses that Johnny Wet Pants song. I really hate that song and a couple of the others that I have heard in other late night cable movies.

10 responses to “Late Night Cable Horror: Scared Topless (2013, dir. Jim Wynorski)

  1. Pingback: Late Night Cable Movie Review: Carnal Wishes (2015, dir. Jon Taylor) | Through the Shattered Lens

  2. Pingback: Children’s Horror: R.L. Stine’s The Haunting Hour: Don’t Think About It (2007, dir. Alex Zamm) | Through the Shattered Lens

  3. I don’t think that it was a mistake to call the movie from the 1940s a ‘silent movie’, because it was said to be a home movie, and those were usually MOS up until the mid-1960s.

    (Not that there was anything defensible about this movie… Jim Wynorski makes Uwe Boll – or for that matter Jim Wynorski in 1985 – look like Orson Welles.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right. I know this for sure because Dave Zani, who worked on the film, told me on Twitter that that was what they were going for with that scene. I left it in the review cause it still doesn’t exactly explain away the content, color, widescreen, and HD quality of the home movie. Still, both you and Dave are absolutely correct about them usually being silent.

      Like

      • I wanted to make the film actually look old, like with grain and black and white, but others who were helping me sell the film were worried buyers would not “get it” and be turned off by the film starting off with grain etc. so we went with the HD and color. Ya win some and ya loose some 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Very true. I’ve come across similar stories like that where someone did want to add some authenticity, despite whatever the ambition of the film was, but they were shot down by people who had the decision making power. You’re right that you win some and loose some.

          Liked by 1 person

      • I can’t speak for Mañuel. However, I may have not cared for the movie in general, but it is one of the few movies of this kind that I watched about a year and a half ago that has scenes and lines that I still recall, which is more than I can say for other films in this genre.

        Like

  4. Pingback: Late Night Cable Movie Review: Wicked Deeds (2016, dir. Seth Kieffer) | Through the Shattered Lens

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.