David K. Johnston | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

The playoffs continue!

Episode 3.11 “Land of the Free (Agent)”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on December 2nd, 1987)

The Bulls are in the playoffs but they need a new running back. Jill decides to sign Brian Bozworth (Brian Bosworth), a player who was drafted by Arizona but who refused to sign his contract because he felt he wasn’t being offered enough money. TD Parker (OJ Simpson) tells Jill that it would be highly irregular for the Bulls to sign Bozworth because, technically, he still “belongs” to Arizona. Jill tells TD to take a knife to the rules and sign Bozworth.

And it’s a good thing that she did because, after some opening jitters, Bozworth plays a key role in getting the Bulls a win over Arizona in the playoffs. Recognizing what the Arizona defense is going to do, he gives Yinessa a heads up. Yinesa throws Bozworth the ball, Bozworth gets the Bulls into good field position, and Zagreb kicks the game-winning field goal.

Zagreb is only able to make that kick because Mad Dog lied to him and told him that Anna had called and agreed to marry him. The next day, at the wedding ceremony, Anna is a no-show. Or, at least, she is until Mad Dog breaks into her house, forces her to put on a wedding gown, and then carries her to the ceremony. She arrives just in time to hear Zagreb giving a speech about how much he loves her. Anna and Zagreb marry.

Finally, Jethro is upset when Bubba is offered a commercial contract with Squelch Sports Drink. Squelch doesn’t want Jethro in its commercials. But when Bubba can’t find the strength to lift a drum of Squelch and pour it over Coach Grier’s head, his contact is canceled.

This was a weird episode. A lot of stuff was going on but none of it really added up too much. At first, Bozworth seemed like a bad player and then, suddenly, he was a good player. Jethro and Bubba were arguing and then suddenly they weren’t. Zagreb got married and good for him. Zagreb is perhaps the most cartoonish character on the show but then again, 1st & Ten is rather cartoonish in general.

Anyway, the Bulls are one step closer to the Championship Game. We’ll see if they make it next week.

This week, cocaine comes to the locker room. Actually, cocaine was probably already there. Now, there’s more cocaine. Football, right?

Anyway….

Episode 1.4 “The Slump”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on December 16th, 1984)

This week’s episode starts off with some full front nudity as wide receiver Mace Petty (Marshall R. Teague) takes a shower with a blonde woman. Suddenly, a bearded man steps into the shower, accuses Mace of seducing his wife, and points a gun at him. OH MY GOD, IS MACE GOING TO DIE!? (And who is Mace, anyway?)

Oh wait, it’s a prop gun. Ha ha, it’s practical joke. Those crazy Bulls.

With the required HBO nudity out of the way, the plot kicks off. The Bulls are in a slump. They’ve lost their past two games! In order to turn things around, Diane makes a trade for a talented wide receiver. (Ha! TAKE THAT, MACE!) Butch Cassidy (Michael Toland) may be a good athlete but guess who has a cocaine addiction!? Butch is soon snorting in the men’s room. When he has to take a drug test, he uses a groupie’s urine instead. When the results come back, it’s announced that Butch is pregnant. Butch is kicked off the team. Maybe the Sundance Kid can take his place….

The good news is that The Bulls still win their next game, breaking the slump. And Bob Dorsey earns Diana’s trust by telling her that Butch has a drug problem. And the Arcola Brothers attempt to keep the Bulls from serving beer at the stadium is thwarted when Diana has a bunch of helicopter fly in the beer. (That way, no one has to cross the picket line that the Arcolas have set up outside the stadium.) Finally, Carl Witherspoon gets a new contract and the rest of the team gets jealous because Carl is now a “millionaire” but then Carl points out that he’s a terrible negotiator and he actually got screwed over on the contract. He then agrees to take the team to Hawaii. No wonder they won that game!

This episode was actually better than the previous three. That doesn’t mean it was particularly good but still it wasn’t terrible. (And that’s what we mean by “damning by faint praise.”) If nothing else, Michael Toland gave a good performance as the cocky but self-destructive Butch Cassidy. I also kind of like the chemistry between Geoffrey Scott and Delta Burke. They’re good together. As far as episodes of bad shows go, this was a good one.