What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night: Survivor: Redemption Island (Episode 1)

Posted on February 17, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the first episode of Survivor: Redemption Island.

Why Was I Watching It?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I love reality television and Survivor pretty much set the bar for the entire genre. Yes, yes, I know. Everyone wants to spend a few hours talking about how terrible reality television is and how they deserve all sorts of cookies because they don’t watch it. Well, you know what? Have fun patting yourself on the back. I’ll be watching Survivor.

What’s It About?

A group of sixteen strangers are stranded on a beach in Nicaragua where they compete for prizes and scheme against each other until there’s only one survivor left standing. As in previous seasons, all of this is hosted by Jeff Probst who, with each season, makes less and less effort to hide the utter contempt that he feels for most of the survivors. Probst still spends too much time trying to show off his dimples but you can’t help but love the man.

This season, there are big two twists, neither one of which is a real twist because they’ve both been done in previous seasons. The big twist is that whenever a survivor is voted off the island, they’re sent to Redemption Island where they wait for the chance to reenter the game at a later date.

The other twist — and this is the one that people actually care about — is that two of the most iconic “villains” in Survivor history are back this season. “Boston” Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz are both back and playing once again. On last night’s episode, the 16 new players were divided into two tribes. As usual, the two tribes were given names based on some obscure piece of historical trivia but for the sake of simplicity, we’ll just call them Team Rob and Team Russell.

What Worked:

I’ll admit that when I first heard that Russell and Rob were coning back, I wasn’t exactly enthused about the idea. I love Rob and always have but I’ve just about reached my limit as far as Russell is concerned. During his first season, Russell was my favorite because he was just so blatantly villainous and he never wasted any time with all of that silly talk of “playing the game with honor” that so many other survivors have tried to sell in the past. Plus, he was funny. However, about halfway through the Heroes Vs. Villains season, I started to get tired of Russell. Unlike Rob who is always thinking and competing, Russell seemed to be a one trick pony.

Well, I’m sorry to say that Russell hasn’t changed but since everyone on Team Russell seems to have seen his previous seasons, it doesn’t seem likely that Russell’s going to get that far in the game and if he does, I can’t wait to see how he managed to pull off the impossible.

Plus, Russell wasn’t really in much of this episode. This episode was all Rob and I love Rob.

And then there’s Philip.

Philip is on Team Rob. He’s a tall, outspoken, bald man who happens to also be a former federal agent. I know this because he mentioned that fact a few thousand times. He also spent way too much time this episode wandering around in these saggy fuchsia briefs. Seriously, if you’re going to be on Survivor then you know you’re going to be filmed in your underwear at some point. So, seriously, give some thought to what you’re wearing underneath, okay? Me, if I’m ever on Survivor, I’m going to go on a shopping spree at Victoria’s Secret the week before I leave for the beach. Immunity Idol? Who needs an Immunity Idol when you’ve got the right bra? Seriously.

But, anyway, back to Philip. Philip is one of those priceless survivors who you hate but you hope they’re around for a really long time. Seriously, he’s so self-righteous and so full of himself and so stupid and so unaware that he makes for great reality television.

During last night’s episode, Philip “entered” into an alliance with Francesca and Kristine. Kristine had found the immunity idol (I get the feeling that nobody on the Survivor production team making much of an effort to hide them anymore) and the three of them attempted to execute a power move by voting out Rob. However, this plan fell apart at tribal council when Philip, for some reason, ended up explaining the entire plot along with mentioning that Kristine had the immunity idol. End result: Francesca was voted out. It was a classic Survivor moment, a perfect reminder of why I love this show. It’s just so shameless.

What Didn’t Work:

I’m not a huge fan of the whole idea of Redemption Island. The whole idea of a someone getting voted off the island just to get to come back later on in the game has been done before on Survivor and it didn’t work out well. The someone in question was a middle-aged woman named Lil who went through the entire game wearing a Scoutmaster’s uniform. Lil was voted off early, came back late, and nearly won simply because she hadn’t been around for the previous few weeks. It felt unfair at the time.

However, there is a huge difference in that this season, everyone knows about “the twist” whereas previously, it really was a complete surprise on everyone. Whether that’ll make a difference has yet to be seen.

Of course, it’s also rare that any of the new gimmicks on Survivor ever really make that much of a difference in the overall game. Remember Exile Island? Even more importantly, can you remember the last time that an immunity idol actually made a huge difference in the final outcome of the season? As opposed to the producers of Big Brother (who really seem to think that the audience is really into each season’s new twist), the people behind Survivor appear to understand that the main reason we watch is to see how much weight everyone loses while scheming against each other.

“Oh My God! Just like Me!” Moments

There’s always quite a few of these whenever I watch any episode of Survivor because, like a lot of reality TV fans, I tend to place myself in each episode and debate what I would have done. And while we always like to tell ourselves that we would have done the complete opposite of whatever foolishness we’ve just witnessed, we all know better. Whenever I watch this show and I see someone totally failing in a physical competition, accidentally blabbing on until everyone votes for her just to make her shut up, or have a meltdown on-screen, I know that I’m seeing what would happen if I ever actually made it onto Survivor. That’s also the same feeling that I get whenever I see some poor girl go through several episodes with a mass of pixels over either her boobs or her ass. I’ve sat there and shouted, “That would so be me!”

(Actually, I don’t do that as often ever since I was watching an episode over at my sister Melissa’s place and she said, “That already is you, Lisa Marie.”)

Anyway, on last night’s episode, I found myself hiding my face in shame as Francesca, Kristina, and Philip basically gave away their entire strategy during tribal council, announcing how they were planning to vote out Rob before anyone had actually voted and while Rob was sitting less than a foot away. That’s a perfect example of one of those moments that make us shout, “You idiots!” even though we know we’d probably make the exact same mistake.

Also, it was clear that most of Team Rob was crushing on Rob and I don’t blame them because you know what? Rob Marciano is hot! The new gray in his hair just serves to make him even hotter.

(Guys are so lucky in that regard. I thought I found a gray hair a few days ago and I ripped it out of my head and oh my God, it hurt! And then it turned out it wasn’t even gray, it was just a lighter shade of red and the light was hitting it in an awkward way.)

By the way, here’s my strategy of how I’ll win if I’m ever on Survivor: Boobs, boobs, and more boobs. Like, the whole way to tribal council, I would be the one going, “Do you really want to vote these out?” I would also probably try to fly under the radar, be everyone’s friend, and flirt a lot with all the males. Of course, once we merged, then it would be time to go all girl power and start voting them out one-by-one. But, for the most part, my strategy would come down to: boobs, boobs, boobs.

Lessons Learned:

Be wary of former federal agents in fuchsia briefs.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Super Bowl Half-Time Show

Posted on February 6, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

As I type this, it is a little after midnight which means that technically, I did watch the Super Bowl Half-Time Show last night.

Why Was I Watching It?

To be honest, this was the first Super Bowl I’ve ever actually seen. I’m not totally sure but I think this was also the first time that I’ve ever actually seen an entire football game. I wasn’t planning on watching the Super Bowl. As a matter of fact, I had already turned down an invitation to go to a super bowl party at my sister Megan’s precisely because I had decided I had no interest in watching the game. I also turned down an invitation to go watch the game with Jeff’s family. Instead, I thought I’d simply take advantage of everyone else watching the game by spending all of Sunday on a nice, big shopping spree. However, about two hours into that spree, my asthma started to act up so I came home early, turned on the TV, and there was the game. So, I left the game on while I did some online shopping (I nearly bought this until I noticed that it cost $725!) and then once I got onto twitter, everyone was talking about the game so I continued to watch the game and I ended up having so much fun commenting on it that I ended up watching the entire thing. I do have to admit that I was, for the most part, completely and totally lost as to what was going on but no matter. I had fun.

Anyway, once I started kinda watching the game, I realized there was no way I couldn’t watch the Super Bowl Half-Time Show.

What’s It About?

Apparently, every year, some other band plays the Super Bowl during half-time. This year, the band turned out to be the Black-Eyed Peas. I have something of a girlcrush on Fergie. Or at least I did until I saw the half-time show.

What Worked?

Uhmm…maybe this would work better if we start with what didn’t work.

What Didn’t Work?

Pretty much the entire show. The Black Eyed Peas have been performing this exact same show for a few hundred years now and they could pretty much do it in their sleep which is what they appeared to be doing here.

However, just saying that the Black Eyed Peas looked bored — well, that doesn’t begin to explain why this show inspired thousands of people to stare at their TV and scream, “Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off!” like George C. Scott in Hardcore. It’s not just that the show was bad — it was that it was bad in so many different ways and, in each case, it stretched the boundaries of what had previously been considered to be a believable level of failure.

Hence, Will.i.am not only appeared to have been replaced by a robot but he appeared to have been replaced by a robot that was actually Cartman underneath a cardboard box. Fergie — who, in the past, I felt never got enough credit (her performance in Nine was one of the few exciting moments in that film) — was not only pitchy but actually sounded like she was auditioning for American Idol. The two other Black-Eyed Peas were — well, who really cares about them?

Then you had the dancers in the neon costumes who all looked like they had wandered off of the set of Tron. And, seriously, do we really want to be reminded of Tron at this point?

And then, just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, Usher showed up. “Look,” I said to my cat, “Usher’s still alive.” “Meow,” the cat replied. Usher sang a few notes that pretty much evaporated in the stadium and then jumped in the air and did the splits. Which I guess would have been impressive except for the fact that he’s Usher and guys aren’t supposed to be able to do the splits like that.

I’m sure I could come up with a few more things that didn’t work but, quite frankly, I think my mind is repressing them right now.

What Worked?

Twitter. In the nearly two years that I’ve been on twitter, I have never seen everyone as united as they were in their general ridicule of the Super Bowl halftime show. So, in a strange way, the Black Eyed Peas brought the world together for about 15 minutes.

Here’s a few of my own tweets from the Half-Time Show:

Uhmm…is the half-time show a tribute to Tron? Where’s Jeff Bridges?

lol, Fergie couldn’t wait to get away from the rest of the Black Eyed Peas.

The Black-Eyed Peas are reminding me of that Stop Smoking Act from that episode of South Park.

The reason the crowd is cheering is b/c they can’t hear the Black Eyed Peas. That stadium is huge.

Oh good. I was just thinking that only Usher could save the half-time show.

And so, sadly, ends my girlcrush on Fergie.

Oh My God! Just Like Me! Moments

I can’t sing that well either.

Lessons Learned

The Black Eyed Peas are about to reach that point where they end up with a reality show on VH1.

NBC Still Doesn’t Understand The Internet

Posted on February 4, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

A few days ago, an old clip from the Today Show showed up on YouTube. That clip was from 1994 and it featured Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel trying to figure out what the Internet is. Apparently, the clip was posted by an employee of NBC. If you’ve seen the clip, you already know that while it’s mildly amusing, it’s also pretty tame.

Well, NBC didn’t see it that way because they’ve responded by 1) firing the guy who posted it and 2) pulling the clip off of YouTube so quickly that you’d think the NBC offices are located in either Egypt or Iran.

Well — joke’s on you, NBC. As my friend Ron always reminds me whenever I post a picture on plixi during Thong Thursday, the Internet is forever and now, so is that clip.

So, here’s one of the many copies of that clip that can be found on YouTube. See it now before NBC demands that it be pulled down.

(Incidentally, my mom always hated Bryant Gumbel and I can still remember, when I was 13 or maybe 14, laughing so hard when my mom turned on the TV and was greeted by his image. “Pendejo,” she said as she changed the channel.)

What Lisa Watched Last Night: Doing Time On Maple Drive (dir. by Ken Olin)

Posted on January 29, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Early Friday morning, I found myself watching an old school made-for-TV movie, Doing Time On Maple Drive, on the Lifetime Movie Network. If you’ve heard of this film, it’s probably because it features a kinda young Jim Carrey in a supporting role.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because when it’s 3 a.m. and you’re getting hit by the old insomnia curse, what’s a girl to do put turn on the TV and change the channel to the Lifetime Movie Network?

What’s It About?

The Carters appear to be the perfect American family. They’ve got a beautiful house in the suburbs (on Maple Drive, no less), the children are all handsome and intelligent, the dad is a succesful businessman, the mom a perfect homemaker, and blah blah blah. You know how this is going to turn out already, don’t you? Dad is actually an overly competitive jerk, mom is in denial, the daughter is a neurotic mess, the youngest son is a closeted homosexual, and the oldest child is Jim Carrey. He’s also an alcoholic and he claims that his name is actually Tim but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s still Jim Carrey.

What Worked?

Tolstoy once said that all happy families are the same but that each unhappy family is unique. The family in this film is unique because — well, oh my God, how dysfunctional can you be? Not only do you have the judgmental parents and the alcoholic son but you’ve got the frigid daughter and the self-loathing gay son. Just using one of these stock characters would have made the film’s storyline seem familiar and predictable. However, tossing all of them into the mix and you’ve got an old school camp classic, complete with dramatic monologues, scary silences, and all the rest. Though this was originally made and shown by Fox, Doing Time On Maple Drive really does take the beloved Lifetime Family Drama formula to its most logical extreme.

The film is also pretty well-acted and features some familiar faces for those of us who love horror and exploitation films. For instance, the gay son is played by William McNamara who, if you’re an Argento fan, you may remember his extremely graphic death scene in Opera.

Making the film even more odd, McNamara’s character is engaged to Alison, who is played by Lori Loughlin, the mom from 90210. How often do you get to see a mix of Argento, 90210, and Jim Carrey on screen?

What Didn’t Work?

Jim Carrey! Don’t get me wrong, Jim did a good enough job playing his role but the whole time you’re watching the film, you keep thinking “that’s not Tim the alcoholic, that’s Jim Carrey.”

What’s ironic about that, of course, is that Jim Carrey is probably the only reason why anyone ever chooses to watch Doing Time On Maple Drive. Well, Jim Carrey and insomnia.

(As a sidenote, Jim Carrey had to deliver the line, “I’ve done my time on Maple Drive,” which, of course, meant I had to yell, “We have a title!”)

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moments

During one dramatic moment, Alison tells her boyfriend, “What’s funny is a part of me always suspected you might be gay…” This line made me cringe just because I said the exact same thing to one of my ex-boyfriends once. He started crying. It was just kinda awkward.

Lessons Learned

If you ever meet the “perfect” family, run away.

Falling Skies (Official Trailer)

Posted on January 23, 2011 by Arleigh

It looks like while vampires and zombies may be battling it out as the “monster of the moment” the past couple of years there’s an oldie quietly sneaking up behind them to try and take up the general public’s attention.

The first shot was a little film from South Africa called District 9. I think more than a few people saw that little film. Then last year we had a film from two special-effects brothers called Skyline. That particular shot wasn’t as good as the previous title mentioned. In fact, it was godawful though not without it’s perverse entertainment value one gets from watching a very awful film that still manages to entertain (though probably not in the way it’s creators intended to).

In less than a couple of months a film called Battle: Los Angeles will hit the bigscreen and will hopefully be a tad better than the similar plotted Skyline. This one has another South African directing it so that may be a good thing.

Coming this June is a tv series that also follows a similar theme of “alien invasion” with the DreamWorks Television series Falling Skies from producer Steven Spielberg and screeenwriter Robert Rodat. The show will premiere on TNT and stars Noah Wylie, Moon Bloodgood, Will Patton and Dale Dye. From what brief snippets of information that has been released about it the show looks to be similar in tone to Spielberg’s own War of the Worlds where it’s about the human armed resistance trying to retake their cities and the planet back from the alien invaders.

It definitely seems to be a very ambitious show and one that hopefully has a much leaner and efficient take on the alien invasion story than the current remake of V: The Series on ABC. That one had many hoping for a sci-fi to make a great return to network tv and instead we got aliens meets True Blood.

Here’s to hoping Falling Skies doesn’t have aliens wanting to have sex with humans and instead aliens just wanting to kill and/or eat humans instead. I think that would make for a much better show.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Golden Globe Awards

Posted on January 17, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the annual Golden Globe Awards show.

Why Was I Watching It?

Well, I wasn’t watching it because I was expecting to see the best films and tv shows of the last year recognized. The Golden Globes are notorious for being odd and anyone who takes them too seriously needs to relax a little. The appeal of the Golden Globes is that 1) it recognizes both television and film in the same ceremony which means you get to see unexpected sights like Jim Parsons, Robert De Niro, Johnny Depp, and the cast of Glee all in the same auditorium, 2) drinks are served throughout the ceremony which means that everyone’s pretty drunk by the end of it, and 3) you can make fun of what everyone’s wearing.

What’s It About?

As the show’s host, Ricky Gervais pointed out while commenting on the odd nomination of The Tourist for Best Picture (Comedy), the show is mostly about the shadowy members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association getting a chance to hang out with people like Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. And who can blame them, really? Quite honestly, if it meant I might get a chance to spend a night with Johnny Depp (or, I’ll admit it, Angelia Jolie), I’m more than willing to love The Tourist too.

What Worked

Oh my God, it was such an odd three hours. While the winners were kinda predictable and boring (how excited can you get — at this point — to see The Social Network win awards) and showed the typical tendency towards embracing the safe over the unpredictable, Ricky Gervais kept things lively. He hosted with an attitude that basically said, “My career doesn’t need your approval so fuck off, Hollywood.” It also pretty much guaranteed that Gervais will never host the Oscars. My favorite Gervais moment came early when he made the comment about secretly gay Scientologists (an obvious reference to Tom Cruise and maybe John Travolta). The way the audience gasped pretty much told you all you needed to know as far as the truth behind the joke was concerned.

Robert De Niro won the DeMille Award and gave a speech that revealed that he’s actually a human being and apparently, a somewhat bitter one at that. Also, I simply have to mention that Robert De Niro is aging really well. As opposed to…oh, I don’t know…Al Pacino, maybe?

Melissa Leo is one of my favorites actresses and it was nice to see her rewarded for The Fighter but her speech did go on and on and the only thing that saved the moment was that some genius in the control booth decided to cut to Helena Bonham Carter who had the coolest “What the fuck?” look on her face.

Angelina Jolie’s green dress was quite simply to die for and I want it because it’s the same color as my right eye. So, I’ll repeat the offer that I made earlier on twitter: whoever gets me this dress (by whatever means) can watch while I try it on and take it off. (That’s a joke, by the way! Seriously though, I so want that dress. Except, of course, I’d want to have Hello Kitty on it somewhere…)

Natalie Portman won best actress in a drama and, out of all the awards given last night, that’s really the only one I agreed with. When Portman’s name was announced, my twitter friend Jason Tarwater asked if I was doing cartwheels. Well, I didn’t do cartwheels but I did attempt to do a pirouette and wow, that was a mistake because I so twisted my ankle the wrong way and ended up in really intense pain. So, I missed Natalie’s speech but I bet it was great.

I do like the way that the Golden Globes divide their awards into a drama and a comedy section. It’s a smart idea, I think.

What Didn’t Work?

I’m not going to complain about The Social Network winning most of the awards. It’s not a bad film, at all. It’s just not the great movie that so many critics are insisting that it is. At this point, I’m not so much anti-Social Network as much as I’m just bored with it.

Al Pacino’s a great actor but seriously, I hit mute any time he wins an award. And, seriously, would it kill him to wash his hair or something before he shows up for an awards ceremony?

Justin Bieber came out and gave an award or something and I’m sorry — he’s creepy. I mean, like David Archuletta creepy. Plus, I always have to go to Wikipedia to find out whether the i or the e comes first whenever I’m trying to type out the name “Bieber”. I mean, I’m only 25 and this little punk and his fans are making me feel like an old woman complaining about “kids today.” NOT COOL, BIEBER!

Aaron Sorkin won for his overrated screenplay and I guess he’s aware that he’s got an image problem because he tried so hard to be gracious but it was kinda like when James Cameron tried to be gracious while promoting Avatar. It just didn’t work. The more humble Sorkin tried to be, the more he came across like a prick. The final insult came when he thanked the best actress nominees for being “smart” women as if that’s such an unusual thing to be. I’m assuming this was Sorkin’s attempt to show that he’s not a sexist pig but it just came across as condescending and fake. It’s interesting to contrast Sorkin’s speech with David Fincher’s speech. Fincher was far more gracious and, quite frankly, the only reason that Sorkin’s screenplay came close to working was because, as a director, Fincher kept things visually interesting so you didn’t really spend too much time thinking about how every single character in the entire freakin’ movie sounded exactly like Aaron Sorkin. Seriously, does Sorkin know anyone who doesn’t talk like him?

Was it just me or did producer Scott Rudin — while accepting best picture for The Social Network — almost seem as if he had to be reminded to thank Fincher? It’s interesting that, for all the acclaim Social Network and Sorkin have gotten, Fincher has often come close to being forgotten. Could it be because Sorkin is a card-carrying member of the Hollywood establishment while Fincher, much like Fighter’s David O. Russell and Black Swan’s Darren Aronofsky, is not?

Finally, the first winner of the night was Christian Bale. Was he deliberately trying to channel Colin Farrell last night or was it just an accident? Regardless, when it comes Colin Farrell, I prefer the real thing.

“Oh my God! Just Like Me” Moment

: “I’ll show you a pair of golden globes!”

Lessons Learned

As excited as I’ll be if Natalie Portman wins an Oscar for best actress, I will force myself not to dance.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: The Bachelor 15

Posted on January 4, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yes, I hear the sound of everyone starting to protest and rest assured, I’m not planning on using my space here to start blogging about The Bachelor (though I guess I could if I ever like got really pissed off at men in general…) It just happens that The Bachelor is what I watched last night and it featured a vampire.

Why Was I Watching It?

Because, God help me, I love it so. Everyone has at least one irrational love. I love crappy reality TV, especially if it gives me an excuse to get all catty and show my claws. Meow!

What’s It About?

Since this was the 1st episode of the new season, we met our new bachelor and discovered that he’s an old bachelor — it’s the return of Brad Womack! For those of you who don’t follow these things (and I assume that’s everyone involved with this site except for me), Brad was the Bachelor a few seasons ago. He’s the one who, after he picked his bride, then dumped her on national TV and decided he wanted to marry the girl who came in second. Then he dumped that girl too.

Anyway, Brad’s been in therapy for 3 years and in this episode, he explains that this all happened because he didn’t have a good relationship with his Dad, therefore establishing himself firmly as yet another little boy with daddy issues. (Pardon me while I gag.)

Once Brad’s got that all cleared up, he meets the poor girls who are competing to be his wife and he basically spends the majority of the episode saying, “I just want another chance because I have daddy issues.” You got another chance, you toadsucker. Shut up about your freaking childhood! Fortunately, there’s hope on the horizon because of a vampire named Madison.

What Worked?

First off, everyone spent a lot of time — and I mean A LOT OF TIME — trash-talkin’ Brad. I mean, everyone! The girls, the show’s host, and finally even Brad himself, all they could talk about was how much of a loser the guy is. And you know what? He is. Which is why it’s going to be fun to watch him basically put himself through Hell all over again.

Plus, the girl with fangs got a rose and I imagine that’s probably because the show’s producers thought she’d be good for ratings but who cares? She’s got fangs!

What Didn’t Work?

Well, the show is like sooooo totally shallow and reality TV is just the devil’s programming and it’s all evidence of how stupid people are and blah blah blah blah. Just insert your own boring, anti-reality television diatribe in here. And then pat yourself on the back because, yeah, you’re really like the first person who has ever said any of that crap. I mean, obviously, you’re a freaking genius. Good job, you elitist toadsucker.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment

Not that long ago, I used to dress in all black and wear a studded choker. I also renamed myself Pandora DeSaad and wrote poetry about slitting my wrists and watching the blood circle down the drain of the sink. That got kinda tedious after a while and I moved on. Still, even if I hadn’t, I would still hope that I would be allowed to appear on the Bachelor.

Lessons Learned:

None. There were no lessons to be learned from this. The show was pure trash with no redeeming value. That was kind of the point.

What Lisa Watched Last Night: What Did I Do Last Night?

Posted on January 2, 2011 by Lisa Marie Bowman

No, What Did I Do Last Night? is not the latest Lifetime movie, despite the title. (What Did I Do Last Night?: The Lisa Marie Bowman Story — I like the sound of that….) What Did I Do Last Night? is a 30-minute “reality” show that currently airs on the Current TV Network. Check your local listings.

Why Was I Watching It?

Originally, I had turned over to Current TV to watch Al Pacino in Scarface. What Did I Do Last Night? came on immediately after Scarface and, as often happens with my late night television habits, I was just too lazy to change the station.

What’s It About?

Apparently, over the course of each episode, the show’s smug host (Jeff Leach) gets a different English person drunk and then films them acting like a complete jackass. The next day, he shows the footage to his hungover victim and scares them sober. Or something like that.

This episode’s victim was a cheerful blonde named Rita who, once she got intoxicated, ended up climbing on top of a table at a bar. The next morning, Rita responded by saying that she was “disgusting” and then breaking down into tears. That’ll teach her to try to enjoy herself when she goes out.

What Worked?

Well, Rita did say she was going to try to reduce her drinking so technically, I guess you could say the whole show worked. Except, of course, that’s a load of crap because the show’s not about helping people. It’s about humiliating them while the viewing audience thinks, “I might be an unoriginal, boring, unimaginative toadsucker, but at least I don’t ever get that drunk.” And, taken from that perspective, the show again accomplished what it set out to do.

What Didn’t Work:

There’s a thin line between helping and victimizing and this show pretty much crossed that line from the beginning.

This show was a lot like Intervention in that it claims to help the addicted but only after they’ve managed to exploit that addiction for all that its worth. Of course, there is a big difference in that the Intervention film crew doesn’t actually shoot anyone up with heroin while this show actually gets people drunk so that the smug host can criticize them for it. The whole time that Rita was being shown stumbling around drunk, nobody ever asked if, under nontelevised circumstances, she usually drank quite as much alcohol as the show’s producers insisted on providing for her.

Plus, they pulled a very cruel trick on Rita early on in the show. While Rita is debating what to wear on her drunken night out, the show’s producers are heard encouraging her to wear a white dress with a low neckline and a very short skirt. What they didn’t tell Rita — but what they surely knew — was that her entire trip to the bar would be filmed with an infrared camera which would basically make that white dress transparent in a way that a non-white dress would not have been. Since the dress itself was practically skin-tight, Rita didn’t wear any underwear with the dress which means that, for the final 15 minutes of the show, she’s seen thoroughly shitfaced in a see-through dress with a huge amount of pixels over her crotch. And it’s impossible to maintain any sort of dignity when you’re climbing on top of a bar with a blurry twat.

I felt very bad for poor, exploited Rita. I hope somebody bought her a drink afer this show aired.

“Oh My God! Just Like Me!” Moment

At one point, after the producers have gotten her drunk, Rita is shown falling down and then falling again as she attempts to stand back up. “Oh my God!” I shouted, “just like me!” What’s sad is that, for the most part, I rarely drink. Yet, I often fall.

Later on, as Rita was standing on a table and demanding, “Everybody look at me bum!”, my sister Erin said, “Oh my God, just like Lisa.” As much as I love my sister, I have to disagree. Obviously, not being English, I don’t use terms like “bum.”

Lessons Learned

Don’t wear white on reality television.

“I’ll show you a pair of Golden Globes!”

Posted on December 14, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

The Golden Globes nominations were announced today and, as usual, they were a strange combination of the expected nominees and a few that seem to have literally come out of thin air. (Check out that Best Picture nomination for The Tourist.) The Golden Globes are awarded by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, an organization that seems to be about as shadowy and obscure as an Illumnati splinter group. That said, I’ve always wanted to be nominated for Golden Globe just so I could get in front of a tv camera, thrust out my boobs, and say, “I’ll show you a pair of Golden Globes!”

Anyway, as I looked over the nominations earlier today, three things came to mind.

First off, the Walking Dead was nominated for Best Dramatic Television Series. Yay!

Secondly, I was kinda hoping that Noomi Rapace might be able to sneak in as one of the Best Actress nominees. There is a small campaign going on to win her an Oscar nomination for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and she was nominated for best actress by yet another shadowy group, the Broadcast Film Critics. Unfortunately, a Golden Globe nod was not to be.

Third, I was a little bit surprised to discover that Toy Story 3 was not nominated for Best Picture (Comedy). In the past, the Hollywood Foreign Press has been far more willing than the Academy to nominate animated films and Toy Story 3 seemed like a far more likely choice than The Tourist. In fact, not even the film’s theme song picked up a nomination. Of course, Toy Story 3 did pick up a nomination for best animated film but I still wonder if maybe this could be evidence of a Toy Story 3 backlash. Up until a week ago, I would have said that Toy Story 3 is guaranteed an Oscar nomination for best picture. Now, I’m starting to have my doubts.

Anyway, here’s the nominees (taken from the Hollywood Foreign Press Association web site):

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

BLACK SWAN
Protozoa Pictures & Cross Creek Pictures & Phoenix; Fox Searchlight Pictures
THE FIGHTER
Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media; Paramount Pictures and Relativity Media
INCEPTION
Warner Bros. Pictures UK LTD.; Warner Bros. Pictures
THE KING’S SPEECH
See-Saw Films and Bedlam Productions; The Weinstein Company
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Columbia Pictures; Sony Pictures Releasing

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

HALLE BERRY FRANKIE AND ALICE
NICOLE KIDMAN RABBIT HOLE
JENNIFER LAWRENCE WINTER’S BONE
NATALIE PORTMAN BLACK SWAN
MICHELLE WILLIAMS BLUE VALENTINE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

JESSE EISENBERG THE SOCIAL NETWORK
COLIN FIRTH THE KING’S SPEECH
JAMES FRANCO 127 HOURS
RYAN GOSLING BLUE VALENTINE
MARK WAHLBERG THE FIGHTER

BEST MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALICE IN WONDERLAND
Walt Disney Pictures; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
BURLESQUE
Screen Gems; Sony Pictures Releasing
THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
Antidote Films, Mandalay Vision, Gilbert Films; Focus Features
RED
di Bonaventura Pictures; Summit Entertainment
THE TOURIST
GK Films; Sony Pictures Releasing

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ANNETTE BENING THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
ANNE HATHAWAY LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
ANGELINA JOLIE THE TOURIST
JULIANNE MOORE THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
EMMA STONE EASY A

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

JOHNNY DEPP ALICE IN WONDERLAND
JOHNNY DEPP THE TOURIST
PAUL GIAMATTI BARNEY’S VERSION
JAKE GYLLENHAAL LOVE AND OTHER DRUGS
KEVIN SPACEY CASINO JACK

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

DESPICABLE ME
Universal Pictures, Illumination Entertainment; Universal Pictures
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
DreamWorks Animation; Paramount Pictures
THE ILLUSIONIST
Django Films, Ciné B and France 3 Cinéma; Sony Pictures Classics
TANGLED
Walt Disney Animation Studios; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
TOY STORY 3
Disney * Pixar; Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

BIUTIFUL (MEXICO/SPAIN)

Menageatroz, Focus Features International; Roadside Attractions
THE CONCERT (FRANCE)

An Oï Oï Oï Productions, Les Productions Du Tresor, France 3 Cinema, Europacorp, Castel Films, Panache Productions, RTBF (Belgian Television), BIM Distrubuzione Co., Canal +, Cinecinema and France 3; The Weinstein Company
THE EDGE (Kpaй) (RUSSIA)

Teleshow/Rock Films; Central Partnership (Russia)
I AM LOVE (IO SONO L’AMORE) (ITALY)

First Sun; Magnolia Pictures
IN A BETTER WORLD (Hævnen) (DENMARK)

Zentropa Entertainment; Sony Pictures Classics

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

AMY ADAMS THE FIGHTER
HELENA BONHAM CARTER THE KING’S SPEECH
MILA KUNIS BLACK SWAN
MELISSA LEO THE FIGHTER
JACKI WEAVER ANIMAL KINGDOM

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE

CHRISTIAN BALE THE FIGHTER
MICHAEL DOUGLAS WALL STREET: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS
ANDREW GARFIELD THE SOCIAL NETWORK
JEREMY RENNER THE TOWN
GEOFFREY RUSH THE KING’S SPEECH

BEST DIRECTOR – MOTION PICTURE

DARREN ARONOFSKY BLACK SWAN
DAVID FINCHER THE SOCIAL NETWORK
TOM HOOPER THE KING’S SPEECH
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN INCEPTION
DAVID O. RUSSELL THE FIGHTER

BEST SCREENPLAY – MOTION PICTURE

DANNY BOYLE, SIMON BEAUFOY 127 HOURS
LISA CHOLODENKO, STUART BLUMBERG THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
CHRISTOPHER NOLAN INCEPTION
DAVID SEIDLER THE KING’S SPEECH
AARON SORKIN THE SOCIAL NETWORK

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE – MOTION PICTURE

ALEXANDRE DESPLAT THE KING’S SPEECH
DANNY ELFMAN ALICE IN WONDERLAND
A.R. RAHMAN 127 HOURS
TRENT REZNOR, ATTICUS ROSS THE SOCIAL NETWORK
HANS ZIMMER INCEPTION

BEST ORIGINAL SONG – MOTION PICTURE

“BOUND TO YOU” — BURLESQUE
Music by: Samuel Dixon
Lyrics by: Christina Aguilera, Sia Furler
“COMING HOME” — COUNTRY STRONG
Music & Lyrics by: Bob DiPiero, Tom Douglas, Hillary Lindsey, Troy Verges
“I SEE THE LIGHT” — TANGLED
Music by: Alan Menken
Lyrics by: Glenn Slater
“THERE’S A PLACE FOR US” — CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE VOYAGE OF THE DAWN TREADER
Music & Lyrics by: Carrie Underwood, David Hodges, Hillary Lindsey
“YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME” — BURLESQUE
Music & Lyrics by: Diane Warren

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

OARDWALK EMPIRE (HBO)
Leverage, Closest to the Hole Productions, Sikelia Productions and Cold Front Productions, HBO Entertainment
DEXTER (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, John Goldwyn Productions, The Colleton Company
THE GOOD WIFE (CBS)
CBS Television Studios
MAD MEN (AMC)
Lionsgate Television
THE WALKING DEAD (AMC)
AMC

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

JULIANNA MARGULIES THE GOOD WIFE
ELISABETH MOSS MAD MEN
PIPER PERABO COVERT AFFAIRS
KATEY SAGAL SONS OF ANARCHY
KYRA SEDGWICK THE Closer

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA

STEVE BUSCEMI BOARDWALK EMPIRE
BRYAN CRANSTON BREAKING BAD
MICHAEL C. HALL DEXTER
JON HAMM MAD MEN
HUGH LAURIE HOUSE

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

30 ROCK (NBC)
Universal Media Studios in association with Broadway Video and Little
Stranger Inc.
THE BIG BANG THEORY (CBS)
Warner Bros. Television
THE BIG C (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, Sony Pictures Television, Perkins Street Productions, Farm Kid, Original Film
GLEE (FOX)
Ryan Murphy Television, Twentieth Century Fox Television
MODERN FAMILY (ABC)
Twentieth Century Fox Television
NURSE JACKIE (SHOWTIME)
Showtime, Lionsgate Television, Jackson Group Entertainment, Madison Grain Elevator, Inc. & Delong Lumber, Caryn Mandabach Productions

EST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL

TONI COLLETTE UNITED STATES OF TARA
EDIE FALCO NURSE JACKIE
TINA FEY 30 ROCK
LAURA LINNEY THE BIG C
LEA MICHELE GLEE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL

ALEC BALDWIN 30 ROCK
STEVE CARELL THE OFFICE
THOMAS JANE HUNG
MATTHEW MORRISON GLEE
JIM PARSONS THE BIG BANG THEORY

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

CARLOS (SUNDANCE CHANNEL)
Film En Stock and Egoli Tossell Film, Sundance Channel
THE PACIFIC (HBO)
Playtone and DreamWorks in association with HBO Films
PILLARS OF THE EARTH (STARZ)
Starz, Tandem Communications, Muse Entertainment Scott Free Films
TEMPLE GRANDIN (HBO)
A Ruby Films, Gerson Saines Production, HBO Films
YOU DON’T KNOW JACK (HBO)
Bee Holder, Cine Mosaic and Levinson/Fontana Productions, HBO Films

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

HAYLEY ATWELL PILLARS OF THE EARTH
CLAIRE DANES TEMPLE GRANDIN
JUDI DENCH RETURN TO CRANFORD
ROMOLA GARAI EMMA
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT THE CLIENT LIST

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

IDRIS ELBA LUTHER
IAN MCSHANE PILLARS OF THE EARTH
AL PACINO YOU DON’T KNOW JACK
DENNIS QUAID THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
EDGAR RAMIREZ CARLOS

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

HOPE DAVIS THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
JANE LYNCH GLEE
KELLY MACDONALD BOARDWALK EMPIRE
JULIA STILES DEXTER
SOFIA VERGARA MODERN FAMILY

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION

SCOTT CAAN HAWAII FIVE-O
CHRIS COLFER GLEE
CHRIS NOTH THE GOOD WIFE
ERIC STONESTREET MODERN FAMILY
DAVID STRATHAIRN TEMPLE GRANDIN

Scenes I Love: Messiah of Evil

Posted on December 6, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Since we all just watched the season finale of the Walking Dead (you did watch it, didn’t you?), I figured I’d highlight two scenes from one of my favorite “zombie” films, 1973’s Messiah of Evil.

The first scene is one that I never fail to think about whenever I find myself going down to Wal-Mart at 3 in the morning.

The second scene is one that really hits home for me because it takes place in a movie theater. If nothing else, it perfectly illustrates why you should always have a date (preferably a strong one) if you’re going to the movies. As sidenote, the unfortunate actress in this scene was named Joy Bang.