Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Pacific Blue explores the dark side!

Episode 4.21 “Lucky 13”

(Dir by Emily Skopov, originally aired on April 18th, 1999)

A murder at an occult shop leaves two witches dead.  Another witch is found barely alive on the beach, her body branded with alchemical signs.  The bike cops are dumbfounded.  I’m confused as to why there aren’t any Homicide detectives around.  And Granger …. well, Granger’s freaking out because he’s been having nightmares about his dead friend, Tim.

In this episode, Granger reveals that he knows a lot about occult symbols.  When TC demands to know why Granger knows so much (as if it’s any of TC’s business), Granger explains that he used to be into Satanism.  Obviously, this means that Granger can’t go undercover in this case.  As Cory puts it, it would be like sending a junkie into a drug den.  So, Jamie is the one who gets a job working at the occult shop and pretending to be into Satanism.

How bad is Jamie at working undercover? Well, let’s ignore the fact that there’s no way in Hell anyone would ever believe that bland, boring, mild-mannered Jamie is into the occult.  Instead, let’s talk about the fact that, at one point, Jamie stands in the middle of an aisle of the occult store, where anyone could hear her, and she calls Granger to tell him everything that she’s overheard.  Seriously, she couldn’t step outside to do that?  Later, when Granger unexpectedly show’s up at the Witch’s Brew coffeehouse, Jamie confront him by loudly asking, “Are you trying to take my case!?” despite the fact that they’re surrounded by the people that Jamie is supposed to be secretly investigating.

This really is a terrible episode for Jamie.  When Granger is feeling guilty over the death of Tim (who died shortly after Granger convinced him to give his soul to the Devil), Jamie tells him to stop it with the “self-pity.” Uhmm, Jamie …. didn’t we just spend two episodes listening to you going on and on about growing up in the foster system?  Jamie’s not in a position to talk.  Jamie then ends up sleeping with Granger, though the show suggests that Jamie’s actions were largely due to the influence of being around magic.

Anyway, it turns out the Satanists are planning on sacrificing a virgin witch on “Lucifer’s birthday.”  Granger knows that he has to stop this sacrifice on his own so he gives his superiors a fake address to go to.  Then Granger goes to the real sacrifice.  Fortunately, Bobby Cruz follows him and shows up in time to help Granger shoot the bad Satanists and save the virgin’s life.

(For all the slut-shaming that goes on in this country, it’s not the sluts who end up getting sacrificed in stupid occult rituals.  Promiscuity can save your life.)

With Bobby’s encouragement, Granger goes to Confession.  “It’s been seven years since my last confession….” Uh-oh, this could take a while!

This episode deserves some credit for finally giving Granger a backstory.  That said, this episode featured some of the least convincing occultists that I’ve ever seen and some of the lamest metaphysical dialogue this side of Baywatch Nights.  Actually, if this had been an episode of Baywatch Nights, it would have been a lot more fun.  As it is, it’s hard to buy into the idea that the forces of darkness could be defeated by a bunch of bicycle cops.

At one point, Bobby says that too many people have died because of pentagrams.  Monica points at his crucifix and asks, “What about the Crusades?”  I always find it funny how people seem to think that bringing up something that happened during the Middle Ages is some sort of flex.  Bobby could have just as easily replied, “What about Baal worship, you heathen!?”  I’m a little upset that he didn’t.  That would have been fun.

Oh well.  At least this episode had a horror theme.  October is just a day away!