In this trailer for Amnesiac, Wes Bentley suffers from memory loss and Kate Bosworth hatches an evil scheme. The film comes out on August 14th!
Category Archives: Film Review
Let’s Talk About Sharknado 3!
(This review contains spoilers because it’s impossible for me to imagine that you somehow have not already seen Sharknado 3.)
Last night, I watched and live tweeted Sharknado 3 and I’m still recovering. After the first hundred, I lost track of how many tweets I devoted to Sharknado 3. Of course, I wasn’t alone in that. Last night, it seemed like the entire nation was tweeting about Sharknado 3 and it was a wonderful thing. At its best, twitter can be the great equalizer, giving everyone an equal voice and last night was one of those moments.
In fact, I was tempted to just devote this review to posting the best Sharknado 3 tweets from last night. However, if I did that, 90% of those tweets would be from me. Out of the millions of Sharknado 3 related tweets last night, mine were definitely the best.
Over the past three years, the premiere of the latest Sharknado film has almost become an unofficial national holiday, a summer version of the Super Bowl. On twitter, Sharknado 3 was trending for days before the film even premiered. And, once Sharknado 3 did start, it seemed as if everyone in the country was watching and taking bets on which celebrity guest star would be the next to die. (I’m very proud to say that I correctly predicted the bloody and prolonged death of Frankie Muniz.) Even the majority of the commercials were specifically meant to tie in with the Sharknado franchise.
Fans of the first Sharknado will be happy to know that Nova returns!
But what’s amazing and admirable is that, even though the franchise has now become an international phenomena, Sharknado 3 stayed true to its SyFy roots. Ignore all the hype and you’ll see that Sharknado 3 tells a story that will be familiar to anyone who has ever watched any SyFy original movie. The world is threatened by a flamboyant threat, in this case a bunch of tornadoes that happens to be full of sharks. Only one man (Ian Ziering as Finn) can save the world but first, he has to deal with skeptical military jackasses. As always seems to happen in these films, he’s separated from his wife (Tara Reid playing the role of April and sporting a truly badass robotic hand). Meanwhile, their teenage daughter (Ryan Newman as Claudia) has gone off on her own and finds herself right in the center of the disaster. It’s a plot that has been used in thousands of SyFy and Asylum films but director Anthony C. Ferrante directs with a lot of energy and writer Thunder Levin provides so many clever one liners that it doesn’t matter if the storyline is familiar. Ignore all the hype and you’ll discover that Sharknado 3 is still a wonderfully fun film that features everything that we love about SyFy movies.
Of course, one thing that distinguishes Sharknado 3 from other Asylum film is that it is full of celebrity cameos. Usually, I am weary of excessive celebrity cameos because they’re distracting and the celebs often turn out to be terrible actors. But the celebs in Sharknado 3 all do a wonderful job. (Add to that, the majority of them get eaten, as well.) Then again, the same could be said for the entire cast. Regardless of what they’re asked to do or say, Ian Ziering and Tara Reid both full commit to their performances. Casting director Gerald Webb is indeed one of the unsung heroes of the entire Sharknado phenomena.
The film opens with a shark attack on Washington D.C. and it’s during this time that we meet President Mark Cuban and Vice President Ann Coulter. And, oh my God, how certain heads on twitter exploded when Ann Coulter showed up. But you know what? After seeing Sharknado 3, I would totally vote for a Cuban/Coulter ticket. I don’t care what their platform is, they know how to fight sharks and they seemed far more believable than anyone who is currently running for President. At first, I assumed that Mark Cuban was supposed to be playing himself and I thought that Sharknado 3 had somehow managed to predict the presidential campaign of Donald Trump. However, I then checked with the imdb and I discovered that Cuban was playing President Marcus Robbins.
The same people on twitter who were bitching about Ann Coulter weren’t much happier when Michele Bachman showed up, playing herself. (For a few minutes, I was hoping that the movie would be full of cameos from former Presidential candidates.) However, the political cameos in Sharknado 3 are bipartisan. When the action moves down to Orlando, noted Democrat Jerry Springer shows up as a tourist and promptly gets eaten. And then Carlos Danger himself, Anthony Weiner, shows up as a heroic NASA guy. Eventually, for those of us who lean towards the libertarian side of the political spectrum, Penn Jilette and Teller eventually show up. Personally, I suspect that Teller knew how to stop the sharks but, of course, he wasn’t going to say anything.
As for the cameos from various media personalities, Sharknado 3 never manages to top the moment from Sharknado 2 where Kelly Ripa stomped a shark with her high heels. But no matter — it’s still fun to watch Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda get drunk while sharks fall around them. And then Matt Lauer gets eaten by a shark so yay for that!
(Incidentally, whether intentional or not, the film was full of former contestants from The Celebrity Apprentice, with Ian, Penn, and Lou Ferrigno all showing up. Personally, I would have enjoyed seeing Piers Morgan get eaten by a shark.)
However, of all the celebrity cameos in Sharknado 3, nobody could top the Hoff. When David Hasselhoff first showed up as Finn’s father, it felt like a funny but obvious joke. Of course, Finn’s father would be David Hasselhoff. But you know what? Give credit where credit is due. The Hoff actually gave a pretty good performance and, during the film’s interstellar climax, he managed to do a pretty good impersonation of George Clooney as he looked out into space and said, “It’s a beautiful view.”
And yes, Sharknado 3 does go into space. How could it not? The film may have started out as an homage to the classic weather disaster films but, by the end of the movie, it turned into a delirious combination of Jaws, Gravity and Interstellar. By the time Finn was exploring the stomach of a shark while it floated through the starry sky, Sharknado 3 had achieved a definite state of grace.
Incidentally, the film ended with a cliffhanger and we were asked to vote whether or not April would live. At first, I voted to kill April because, quite frankly, I thought it would be fun to see a vengeance-obsessed Finn. But then Tara Reid tweeted the following and made me feel totally guilty:
So, I’m changing my vote! APRIL LIVES!
Of course, all this means that there will be Sharknado 4 and I can hardly wait!
Film Review: Snake Eater III: His Law (1992, dir. George Erschbamer)
I don’t know what happened here. In Snake Eater we have a ridiculous movie where an ex-special forces cop named Soldier (Lorenzo Lamas) fights rednecks. In Snake Eater II, Soldier fights a war against drugs from inside a mental hospital. Those movies both came out in 1989. This was released in 1992. From the first scene it’s night and day. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of similarities to the first two films, but it’s also so different, and better. Still bad, but better than the first two.
First off, it’s like those first two movies never happened. He doesn’t start out in the mental hospital he was left in at the end of the second film. However, just like those two movies, Soldier gets himself put on suspension from the force inside of a few minutes. In the first film, it was cheesy, sleazy, and corny, but okay. In the second film, it was a stupid rampage. But in this film, it’s a humorous little scene that I actually enjoyed that gets him suspended. A guy is trying to rob a diner when Soldier walks by and sees what’s happening. He goes in pretending like he wanted to rob the place, but that this guy had beat him to the punch. He warms up to the guy, then takes him down. In the process he scares the lady who works behind the counter and that’s what puts him on suspension.
I guess I would be scared too if a guy was doing this to me when another guy showed up and also pointed a gun at me.
Luckily, Soldier thrives on suspension. This time a family comes forward inquiring about his services. They want him to track down the bikers who kidnapped, raped, and generally traumatized their daughter so much that she walks over to the table where Soldier is sitting and starts pulling down her panties thinking that’s what she’s supposed to do. That’s some messed up stuff. That character is the big detraction for this movie. It’s just too much for what otherwise is more light hearted and humorous.
Soldier now seeks out a guy we will just refer to as Roy Rogers. He’s even listed as Cowboy on IMDb and if he had a name in the movie, I didn’t care, and still don’t. Roy is a private detective and Soldier wants to join forces with him to track down these bikers. Of course a humorous brawl ensues. Same thing happened in the first film in a bar, but this time it’s more enjoyable.
Roy Rogers (Minor Mustain)
Soldier never hits a girl, but he’ll gladly throw her out a window.
Stay right there, please!
The main connection to this gang is a man named Goose (Scott Bigelow). At this point, I have to point out that there are at least two scenes where guys just pee outside. Once in a parking lot and the other time Roy does it just outside a house. However, the movie gets a pass on the second peeing. That’s because Soldier electrifies Goose’s toilet so that it’s his final piss. Obviously, that toilet was out of commission.
This movie should be straightforward with Soldier working his way up the ladder till he takes down the bikers at their gang headquarters. That happens, but along the way that poor girl who drops trow for any guy keeps getting kidnapped. It happens at least twice and she is clearly raped and/or molested both times. It’s not only a little confusing, but too serious for this movie. At least this scene happens at the end so we know she finally got some backbone again.
She kills the bad guy to save Soldier
We see her at the end with her family and she appears like she’s going to be okay. The family offers him money, but he takes tomatoes instead. Honestly, this is better than the first two, but the girl is enough to say don’t check this out. If you must watch any of the three Snake Eater movies, then stick with the first two because as bad as they are, you can get some fun out of them. This one will make you feel uncomfortable. Just like this guy.
Film Review: Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster/Snake Eater’s Revenge (1989, dir. George Erschbamer)
Snake Eater II
There are numerous editors on this site. Lisa Marie Bowman gets the sleazy Lifetime movies and fun SyFy monster movies. Jedadiah Leland picks and chooses interesting things to post about. pantsukudasai56 is an anime expert. Dazzling Erin gets to post pretty pictures.
I could write about fun sleazy movies like I Am Frigid… Why? (1972) with it’s tick tock clock erection scene. I could carefully pick and choose pieces to write about. I’m no anime expert, but I could do a six part series on the short-lived Ralph Bakshi adult cable animated show called Spicy City (1997). I certainly can post pretty pictures. I love to hike and take photographs. Here’s a couple of them.
But no. I write about movies like Tammy and the T-Rex or Snake Eater. Why all that lead up? It’s because this movie is so boring and barely anything happens. There is next to nothing to talk about, but let’s do what we can.
The movie begins in a club for kids that couldn’t get MacGyver as their role model so they have Soldier (Lorenzo Lamas) instead. Some role model. Didn’t they hear about his rampage against the rednecks? Anyways, some girl falls to the ground, and wouldn’t you know it by the title, bad drugs have killed her. Obviously, Soldier isn’t happy about this and decides to do something about it.
Of course, since it took going Rambo to stop rednecks, it’s gonna take C-4 and grenades to deal with some local drug dealers. Soldier does just that. He gets a knife in his back in the process. Right after that another guy shows up saying he was going to do the same thing, but is going to leave since it wouldn’t be right for him to take credit for Soldier’s work.
After that the movie gets really stupid. While on trial, Soldier is put in a mental hospital. He is soon taught by the locals who like to order Chinese food that he can come and go any time he wants. Of course, this first means he needs to do battle in a wheelchair.
I wish I was making this stuff up, but no. Now he is allowed to leave through the vents where he also happens to run into a horny girl and a pizza delivery man. The rest of the movie is break out of the hospital, attack the drug dealers, then go back to the hospital till the big guys are taken down.
That’s all they wrote folks. It ends with the comedic relief from the hospital looking through a door and then dancing in the hallway. Soldier is found innocent of his crimes by reason of insanity and confined to the hospital. I wonder if the next movie picks up there. Who knows? They resurrected The Hammer after Black Caesar (1973) for Hell Up In Harlem (1973) so anything is possible.
Cliche
Dance Fools Dance!
Let’s Talk About Zombie Shark
On Monday night, immediately following 3-Headed Shark Attack, SyFy premiered one more shark movie as a part of Shark Week. That movie was entitled Zombie Shark and it was everything that you could possibly hope for.
Zombie Shark takes place on one of those depressing island resorts that always seem to pop up in films like this. The sky is permanently overcast. The sand is kind of gray. There aren’t many people on the beach and the ones who are there are busy drinking beer and daring each other to swim in shark-infested waters. This depressing beach is undoubtedly the result of the film’s low-budget. But, whether intentional or not, the effect is to create a pervasive atmosphere of existential doom. This film takes place in a dark world where the beach was an unhappy place even before the sharks and zombies showed up.
Four friends head out to that beach for what they hope will be a fun weekend. Amber (Cassie Steele) and Sophie (Sloane Coe) are sisters. Bridgitte (Becky Andrews) is their bikini-clad friend who, later in the film, gets to say, “I’m not going to die for those people!” (For what it’s worth, I was in 100% agreement with Bridgitte. If someone is stupid enough to get in the water during a shark attack, he deserves whatever happens to him.) And then there’s Jenner (Ross Britz), who is Amber’s boyfriend. When the four of them come across a dead shark on the beach, Jenner makes the mistake of getting too close. Suddenly, the shark comes back to life and eats Jenner! Unfortunately, Jenner had the keys to the boat in his pocket so now, the three survivors are stranded on the island.
It turns out, of course, that it’s all the fault of science. Dr. Palmer (Laura Cayouette) created a zombiefication virus and infected one shark. Now that zombie shark is infecting other sharks! And those sharks are attacking people! The people who aren’t digested are transformed into zombies!
Luckily, military badass Maxwell Cage (Jason London) is sent to the island. Working with the rife-toting Amber and Sophie, Maxwell tries to find a way to curb the zombie outbreak. Meanwhile, resort owner Lester (Roger J. Timber) tries to rally the few remaining uninfected humans to fight the zombies.
Soon, the water is full of sharks, the beach is full of zombies, and blood is everywhere.
I totally loved Zombie Shark. To a certain extent, it reminded me of the classic Italian zombie film, The Erotic Nights of the Living Dead. Like that film, Zombie Shark started out as your typical resort movie, complete with elements of broad comedy and hints of relationship drama. And then suddenly, out of almost nowhere, it turned into a portrait of a grim and bloody zombie apocalypse.
The cast did a surprisingly good job, bringing as much credibility as they could to a film about a bunch of people being menaced by zombie sharks. Jason London and Laura Cayouette (remember her as Leonardo DiCaprio’s odd sister in Django Unchained?) are both memorable as representatives of the establishment. Cassie Steele and Sloane Coe were totally believable as sisters and brought so much commitment to their roles that the film’s ending was unexpectedly poignant.
(Cassie Steele, of course, might be best known for playing Manny Santos during the best seasons of Degrassi.)
With the exception of Sharknado 3 (which will be premiering tonight), Zombie Shark was the final original shark film to premiere as a part of SyFy shark week.
It was also one of the best.
Let’s Talk About 3-Headed Shark Attack!
One thing that I love about Asylum films is that, as opposed to big studio productions, they always deliver exactly what they promise. As a part of the lead up to the third Sharknado film, 3-Headed Shark Attack premiered on the SyFY network on Monday night. The title promised a three-headed shark and that is exactly what the film delivered. The title also promised that the three-headed shark would attack and, again, that’s exactly what happened. This giant 3-headed shark devoured a record number of fisherman, scientists, and college students.
3-Headed Shark Attack is also the story of three boats and the people on those boats.
One boat is a booze cruise that’s full of rich kids and their bikini-clad girlfriends. You really only have to take one look at these people to know that almost all of them are doomed. However, they certainly are not helping matters by tossing all of their empty beer cans into the ocean. Little do they know that there’s a giant shark with three heads following the trail of cans.
On another, much smaller boat, there are the survivors of the 3-headed shark’s previous attack on the Persephone research lab. They are scientists, environmentalists, and a few student interns. They may have been dedicated to protecting the environment but the three-headed shark could hardly care less. While thsee people seem to be a little bit more competent than the drunks on the booze cruise, it’s still hard not to feel that they are all equally doomed.
And finally, there’s one final boat. The people on this fishing boat have guns, which in theory should be helpful against a three-headed shark. Even more importantly, Danny Trejo is on this boat! If anyone can defeat a three-headed shark, it’s Danny Trejo, right!? SyFy advertised 3-Headed Shark Attack as “starring Danny Trejo” but, to be honest, Danny’s role is pretty much a cameo. But that’s okay. Danny Trejo is always fun, regardless of how much screen time he has. Plus, the film smartly uses Danny’s badass persona to keep the audience off-balance.
3-Headed Shark Attack was director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray (who also directed the much different but equally entertaining Mega Shark vs. Kolossus) and it’s also a sequel to 2-Headed Shark Attack. 3 Headed Shark Attack is a surprisingly somber film, one in which likable characters are just as likely to killed as unlikable ones and where the ocean frequently turns red with innocent blood. For those who, as a result of the Sharknado films, have gotten it into their heads that all Asylum films are actually comedies, 3-Headed Shark Attack will prove otherwise.
3-Headed Shark Attack is an entertaining work of underwater mayhem. If, like all good people, you love the Asylum style of filmmaking, you’ll find a lot to enjoy about 3-Headed Shark Attack. This is a film that delivers exactly what it promises.
Here’s hoping that 4-Headed Shark Attack is close behind!
Film Review: Snake Eater (1989, dir. George Erschbamer)
Jack ‘Soldier’ Kelly (Lorenzo Lamas)
I HATE THIS MOVIE!!! I didn’t know there was more of me that could die after having seen God’s Not Dead and that movie that shall not be named. I’ll review that movie eventually. I don’t have any choice seeing as Creed is on its way. Anyways, more of me is now dead inside thanks to Snake Eater. You know Lorenzo Lamas was in a sequel to What Would Jesus Do? last year. I know what he would do. He would condemn Snake Eater to the fires of hell!
The movie begins with Soldier on a drug bust that suddenly turns into a strip session with some lady who shows up. Then two idiots appear and have to be dealt with. Soldier springs a trap that sends nails shooting up through the floor to hold the bad guys in place. She gets caught in a net when she tries to leave the room.
At the end of the movie Soldier once again captures a bad guy as a cop. In between is the rest of this steaming pile of cow dung. The movie is Lorenzo Lamas vs. Rednecks. A bunch of rednecks come on board Soldier’s parents boat, kill his parents, and kidnap his sister. Why? You are never told. It’s just an excuse for Lamas to go all Rambo in the backwoods of the United States. These are the saddest bunch of bad guys I have ever seen. Just look at these jokes!
Oh, God! I’m so scared of these guys.
One of these guys looks like he’s from the Beavis and Butthead porno spoof Beaver and Buttface. No joke. No joke that the movie exists and that he looks like he’s one of the actors from it. But these rednecks not only are so powerful that they are able to capture Soldier at one point, but he needs to go completely Rambo in order to deal with them. They couldn’t be ninjas, members of a powerful gang, or international drug smugglers? No, they had to be rednecks.
It’s so wonderful to know that we have a special Search & Destroy Rednecks Tactical Unit in this country. I feel so much more safe when I go to bed knowing they’re around. Too bad they weren’t around in 1974. Poor Ned Beatty. My God, rednecks, really? Who thought these were good enemies for someone who was ex-special forces?
I would say more, but it’s just stupid fights with rednecks or bikers. That’s it! I can’t believe this not only started Lorenzo Lamas’ career as an action star, but it also spawned two sequels. But you want to hear the most shocking thing? I am actually looking forward to those sequels. It looks like they took the few minutes of this movie that worked when he was actually a cop and made it the whole movie. WHICH IS WHAT THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!
Note: A guy does get grabbed in the crotch, but it does not lead to a “testicular standoff” like in Tammy and the T-Rex. Lamas does pull a guy’s tooth out though. Nasty!
Crotch Grab!
Film Review: Safari 3000 (1982, dir. Harry Hurwitz)
Christopher Lee and Mini-Me
Ever seen that episode of AVGN for Darkwing Duck on the TurboGrafx-16? It starts off with the Nerd going through numerous games that you know are bad just by the title. Moon Ranger, Kid Niki, Dudes With Attitude, Deathbots, and Mad Max for the NES. They’re clearly bad games, but there just isn’t enough material to work with for a proper episode of the show. Safari 3000 is the cinematic equivalent to those reject games. However, since I suffered through it, now you must hear about it. And yes, I borrowed that sentence from Necessary Roughness (1991).
As you can see from the picture above, Christopher Lee is in this with a mustache, leather outfit, and a Darth Vader helmet. Why the Darth Vader helmet? I have no clue. Why does this little guy follow him around? No clue, but he does jump off a building near the beginning of the film. Why? I found out there is a movie called Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills (1997) today so I don’t even know how we still exist, let alone why he jumps off the building.
So what is Safari 3000 about? There’s some sort of race in Africa and several teams are going to compete. Christopher Lee and the little guy…wait, of course, it’s a reference to The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)! That’s also why his name is Count Borgia in order to reference the Hammer Dracula films.
Well, there are other teams. I saw one that is clearly supposed to be two Japanese guys, and another made up of Italians. There are also two ladies who are listed as the American Housewives team in the credits. I’d find it offensive, but it’s an apt description because at the beginning of the race they say that while their husbands go to Vegas, they go to race cars.
David Carradine and Stockard Channing
This movie gets to the race pretty quickly, which is good. Channing convinces her superior at Playboy to let her go to cover this race with Carradine as her driver. What follows is promising with some laughs. They get across a partially broken bridge with a little trick driving. A local African guy gets angry at them, pretends to be unable to speak English, then leaves them alone when they give him a fancy camera. Then he promptly turns around, perfectly describes the camera to his buddies, and takes a shot of of his friend.
Camera!
Smile!
However, after that it just gets boring. The main problem is that there isn’t enough cutting between the different racers to get us excited or keep us engaged. Nor does enough happen to Channing and Carradine for us to feel them bond the way the movie wants us to believe they do.
In the end, you get a few laughs. You get to see some wildlife. Then the movie ends and you move on. In my case, to the next movie.
Moon Madness: INVISIBLE INVADERS (1959)
Edward L. Cahn (1899-1963) was one of those unsung Hollywood minions who had long careers. Beginning as an editor in the waning days of the silent era, Cahn steadily worked his way up to director, helming 26 of MGM’s later Our Gang shorts. Moving from the majors to the seedy world of low-budget filmmaking, Cahn’s feature film output found him at poverty stricken studios like PRC and for a number of years American International Pictures. He worked mainly in the science-fiction realm, but labored on everything from teen delinquency pics (DRAGSTRIP GIRL) to war dramas (SUICIDE BATTALION) to westerns (FLESH AND THE SPUR) and noir (WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES). Cahn’s features were interesting. Not very good mind you, but interesting.
INVISIBLE INVADERS is a interesting one, in a car wreck sort of way. Atomic radiation from mankind’s nuclear testing has filtered into outer space. The late Dr. Karol Noyman’s corpse (veteran boogieman John Carradine) has been reanimated by an invisible alien from the moon (!) and sent to give his former colleague Dr. Penner a warning: all nations on Earth must surrender or the aliens will take over dead bodies and annihilate the world! Penner’s daughter Phyllis and associate Dr. Lamont are supportive, but the press has a field day scoffing at the old scientist. When the alien zombies go on a destructive, stock footage filled rampage, they start taking the old duffer seriously.
Army Major Bruce Jay is sent to whisk Penner and company to a secret atomic lab. There, the scientists work diligently to figure out a way to stop the zombie invasion. It’s learned that by disrupting the alien’s molecular structure with high pitched sound waves, they leave their host bodies and die. Building a sonic ray gun (and how they built it so fast is beyond me), they successfully knock off a horde of the marauding monsters. Our heroes have the zombie cure and save the world from certain death.
Whew! I laughed out loud at some of the ridiculous situations presented in INVISIBLE INVADERS. The phony special effects and shoddy props would make Ed Wood proud. The cast tries, but are defeated by the ludicrous dialogue forced on them. John Agar (Maj.Jay) starred in way too many of these Grade Z schlockfests to mention here. Agar is clearly trying to emulate his former co-star John Wayne in this one, but falls far short of the mark. Pretty Jean Byron (Phyllis) had much more success as the mom in the mid-60s sitcom THE PATTY DUKE SHOW. Robert Hutton (Lamont) was a Hollywood also-ran who’s career never took off. He later starred in another low-budget masterpiece, 1967’s THEY CAME FROM OUTER SPACE (which I’ll get around to reviewing sooner or later). And Carradine is totally wasted in a role he could play in his sleep…and in this turkey. it looks like he did!
Despite it all, I still liked INVISIBLE INVADERS. As a connoisseur of bad movies, I thought it was fun in a dopey kind of way. If you’re a fan of stuff like PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE, TEENAGERS FROM OUTER SPACE, BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS, or a die-hard John Agar fan, you’ll enjoy INVISIBLE INVADERS. I did (guess there’s just no accounting for good taste!)
Let’s Talk About Sharktopus Vs. Whalewolf!
On Saturday night, SyFy premiered Roboshark and Mega Shark vs. Kolossus and viewers like me will be forever thankful. However, SyFy wasn’t done giving us treats. On Sunday night, another new film premiered. It was called Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf and I’m not ashamed to say that it was absolutely brilliant.
Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf takes place in the Dominican Republic. A disgraced baseball player, Felix Rosa (played by Mario Arturo Hernandez,) goes to a mysterious German scientist, Dr. Reihnhardt (Catherine Oxenberg), in search of a treatment that will again make him a superstar. However, as often happens with mad scientists, Dr. Reinhardt has an agenda of her own and soon Felix has been transformed into a hybrid between a whale and wolf. This means that he looks like a wolf but he swims like a whale and he tends to act like a dog.
Except, of course, when he’s eating people.
When he’s eating people, he’s all Whalewolf.
Meanwhile, alcoholic boat captain Ray (Casper Van Dien, giving a likable and energetic performance) has discovered that Sharktopus — a creature with the head of shark and the body of an octopus — is swimming in the waters around the Dominican Republic. At first, Ray and his sidekick, Pablo (Jorge Eduardo De Los Santos), aren’t too concerned about the Sharktopus or anything else. But then the local voodoo priest (Tony Almont) demands that they bring him the heart of Sharktopus and, when they don’t promptly comply, he starts to stick pins into Ray and Pablo voodoo dolls.
While all of that is going on, Ray’s almost girlfriend, police officer Nita (Akari Endo), is trying to keep the peace but that’s a little bit difficult when you not only have to deal with a voodoo cult, an alcoholic boat captain, and a German mad scientist but also with Sharktopus and Whalewolf as well!
But that’s not all! A Dominican version of The Bachelor is being filmed nearby. It would be a lot easier for the bachelor to find love if not for the fact that Sharktopus keeps eating all of his potential wives.
And finally, there’s a tourist who is vacationing in the Dominican Republic and is convinced that she’s starting a new chapter of her life. Needless to say, things don’t exactly end well…
Okay, you may have read all that and may now be under the impression that there’s a lot of going on in Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf and you are absolutely correct. This is a very busy film but, then again, that’s exactly why it works. The pace is relentless and the action is nonstop. No time is wasted when it comes to introducing both Sharktopus and Whalewolf. It’s nonstop Sharktopus and Whalewolf action, without a single slow moment.
The tone is pretty much set from the moment that Catherine Oxenberg first appears and starts to speak in the most over-the-top, deliberately exaggerated German accent ever heard. Then Casper Van Dien shows up, pulling flasks out of his pockets and, at one point, getting into a literal slap fight with Sharktopus. (Casper Van Dien gives a performance that can be positively compared to the best work of Bruce Campbell.)
Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf works as both an entertaining monster film and a glorious send up of the entire genre. If you missed it for the first time, keep an eye out for another showing.
And hopefully, Sharktopus will soon return!
