Hallmark Review: A Country Wedding (2015, dir. Anne Wheeler)

Posted on October 17, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

My Comcast connection is on the fritz so I am unable to get screenshots of these Hallmark movies for the time being. Or at least with this movie. That didn’t stop me for close to 100 reviews of Hallmark movies and there’s no need to show you anything from this awful thing.

A Country Wedding is about a guy named Bradley (Jesse Metcalfe). He’s a country musician. He’s going to get married to an actress who looks like she was attacked by a bottle of peroxide. Then there’s this lady who runs kind of a vet/ranch back where he grew up. She’s named Sarah (Autumn Reeser). She sees him on TV and decides to write him a letter. Apparently, when they were kids, they had a fake wedding. He gets the letter and decides to pay a visit since he needs to go back to his hometown anyways to dispose of his childhood home.

What we get when he arrives there is one of the most stock sleepwalking stereotype spewing bullshit Hallmark romances I have ever seen. Either it’s in the way they act or they come right out and say something stupid. It’s like when you hear someone who doesn’t let the fact that they really know nothing about film stop them from trashing it simply because they love books.

But this movie doesn’t stop there. It keeps cutting back to the peroxide lady just to remind us of how stupid they think we are by making her and everyone around her as empty, vapid, and dumb as they can. There’s one scene in particular with this ridiculously tall cake. You see it and immediately make the joke about “couldn’t it be taller” because you are making fun of the fact that they actually put it in the movie. But then the movie has one of the characters say that same line and mean it. That’s how dumb they think you are. This movie makes all sorts of unfounded assumptions about people who live in the city and are rich as well as people who live in rural communities and aren’t rich. They both come across as idiots because in this movie, if you live in a rural community, you are a backwards hick. And if you are rich and live in the city, then you are a rich city hick.

I need to wind this down because the more I think about it, the angrier I get. However, there is one more thing to mention. There’s a scene with Bradley and Sarah at a campfire. She makes some comment about his pristine white cowboy hat. He says it was picked out for him by his manager. She takes it and dirties it up to make it more like something a real cowboy would wear. In other words, she takes that hat and imbues it with meaning about their relationship in a scene that is supposed to be a nice honest moment between them. But then near the end of the film he throws that hat away into oblivion to represent finally breaking ties with his city life. Oops! Forgot you changed the meaning of that hat didn’t you?

Oh, and I guess I need to have this one final complaint. It’s a small one, but it just goes to show how ignorant they expect their audience to be. Sarah makes a comment about his Italian cowboy boots. She says, “they got cowboys in Italy?” Can you think of any other country outside of the United States that is more associated with cowboys in popular culture outside of the United States other than Italy? I’m not stupid enough to believe that this vet who lives in the country is that ignorant. And that’s just one in a long string of snide redneck insults she hurls his way. Not that his character is any better mind you. Nobody comes out looking good in this movie.

When I get this angry about a movie I really want to encourage people to see it and make up their own minds. I did have it embedded here at the time of posting, but this isn’t a Hallmark movie that looks like it’s going to disappear from their lineup anytime soon and it was taken down quickly. So I removed it. If you want to, then catch it the next time it’s on and make up your own mind.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #141: Reluctant Witness (dir by Monika Mitchell)

Posted on October 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I finally found the time to sit down and watch Reluctant Witness. Of course, if you know me, you know that I can only sit still for 15 minutes at a time. So, I spent a good deal of the movie standing up and cleaning the living room but, no matter what else I was doing, I still continued to watch the movie.

Why Was I Watching It?

Reluctant Witness actually premiered last Sunday. That was the same day that I got back from my vacation and I was way too busy unpacking and cleaning the house to watch it. So, I set the DVR to record it because you never know when an unexpectedly brilliant movie might suddenly show up on Lifetime. Last night, I finally remembered that Reluctant Witness was on the DVR so I decided to watch it and see if it was another classic, like Confessions of Go Go Girl. (It turned out not to be a classic but it was Canadian and that’s almost as good!)

What Was It About?

Melissa (Mia Kirshner) was married to a Chicago gangster named Jimmy (James Kirk). Jimmy was an abusive psychopath, the type of goes out his way to give the city of Chicago an even worse reputation than it already has. So, Melissa goes to the FBI and offers to testify against Jimmy but only if they agree to help her and her daughter start a new life somewhere else. Of course, the FBI says yes.

So, Jimmy goes to prison. And then, a decade later, he gets paroled and he uses all of his gangster money to have plastic surgery. And the plastic surgery is so amazingly good that he comes out of it looking like a totally different person! (It helps that post-surgery Jimmy is played by a totally different actor named Paul McGillion.) Jimmy fakes his own death and then goes searching for his wife.

Melissa has a totally new life, with new friends and a new boyfriend and a daughter who only sorta resents her. Not only that but she also has a brand new name! Melissa is now named Erin! Everything appears to be perfect until the mysterious Warren shows up. Warren reminds Erin of Jimmy. Is Erin correct or is she just paranoid?

(Of course, we already know that Warren is actually Paul. There wouldn’t be much of a movie otherwise…)

What Worked?

Mia Kirshner kicked ass in the role of Melissa/Erin! I loved the fact that she the same reaction to all of this that I would probably have — which is to say that she was really annoyed and kinda wished that everyone would just go away.

What Did Not Work?

Despite having a somewhat interesting plot, the film just failed to hold my interest. Maybe it’s because I was busy obsessively cleaning the living room but I found my mind wandering through the entire film. It has all the elements for a good Lifetime film but they never quite came together.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I have a sister named Melissa and a sister named Erin! Okay, so technically, that’s not really a “just like me” moment but I love my sisters.

Lessons Learned

Chicago is full of gangsters.

Horror on the Lens: Attack of the Crab Monsters (dir by Roger Corman)

Posted on October 17, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s horror on the lens, we have the 1957 science fiction film, Attack of the Crab Monsters!

About a month ago, I watched this film along with Patrick Smith and all of our friends in the late night movie gang. To be honest, everyone else seemed to enjoy it a lot more than I did. It was a fun little movie but … well, maybe I was just having a bad night.

Here’s why you should take 62 minutes out of your Saturday and watch Attack of the Crab Monsters on the Shattered Lens. First off, it’s a Roger Corman film and anything directed by Roger Corman automatically needs to be watched. Secondly, it’s about giant crabs that communicate through telepathy. And when was the last time you saw that!?

(“Last night,” someone in the audience shouts, “as the sun went down over the crab-covered beaches of Denmark!” I pretend not to hear.)

Anyway! Here, for your viewing pleasure, is Attack of the Crab Monsters!

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: Don’t Answer The Phone (dir by Robert Hammer)

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Nicholas Worth in Don’t Answer The Phone

AGCK!

As a self-described lover of grindhouse and exploitation films, I have seen my share of truly icky films. But Don’t Answer The Phone, a 1980 mix of police procedural and serial killer horror, is in a class all by itself. It is not only exceptionally icky but it’s distressingly effective as well.

After I watched Don’t Answer The Phone, I actually checked to make sure all the doors were locked. Before I got into bed, I searched all the closets to make sure there wasn’t anyone hiding in there. And, as I fell asleep, I found myself thinking that maybe I should follow the advise of both Arleigh and my sister. Maybe it was time for me to finally get a gun of my own and learn how to use it.

Seriously, Bowman, I thought as I waited for sleep to come, you live in Texas. It’s totally legal to carry a gun down here so you need to take advantage of the law and make you’re ready to blow any pervert losers away! Even if you shot the wrong person, you’re cute. The jury would never convict…

That’s the type of effect that Don’t Answer The Phone had on me. It’s not necessarily a good film. With one notable (and important) exception, most of the acting is terrible. The film’s few attempts at intentional humor largely fall flat. Even with a running time of only 94 minutes, Don’t Answer The Phone feels overlong and full of unneeded padding. And yet, this is a very effective film. It did freak me out, largely because it was so crude and heartless. It strikes at the most primal fears of the viewer, that feeling that — even within the security of our own home — we may not truly be safe.

As Don’t Answer The Phone opens, Los Angeles is a city being stalked by a madman. That, in itself, is not surprising. Just taking a quick look at Wikipedia will reveal that Los Angeles has been home to a large number of serial killers. In fact, if there is anything shocking about Don’t Answer The Phone, it’s the suggestion that Kirk Smith (played by Nicholas Worth) is the only serial killer in town.

Who is Kirk Smith? He’s an overweight, bald photographer who always wears an army jacket and is obsessed with candles, body building, and strangulation. He also enjoys calling up a local talk show host, Dr. Linsday Gale (Flo Gerrish). (One wonders if Dr. Gale’s name was specifically meant to make the viewer think of The Wizard of Oz.) “Hello,” he says in an outrageously fake accent, “this Ramon!” He tells Dr. Gale that he has frequent headaches and bad urges. When he’s not pretending to be Ramon, Kirk can usually be found staring at himself in a mirror and yelling, “Do I measure up, Dad!?”

Kirk is killing women across Los Angeles and it looks like he might never be caught because Don’t Answer The Phone features some of the most incompetent cops ever! These are the type of cops who smirk at the victims and shoot anyone who doesn’t get on the ground fast enough. These are the type of cops who open fire and then say, “Adios, creep.” Civil liberties!? BLEH, THESE COPS DON’T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR RIGHTS! Of course, they do end up shooting and killing the only witness who can identify Kirk Smith as the murderer. Whoops!

If there’s anything that sets Don’t Answer The Phone apart from all the other serial killer films, it’s the performance of Nicholas Worth. Far more than the slick and erudite serial killers who dominate contemporary thrillers, Nicholas Worth is a frighteningly believable lunatic. He’s scary because we’ve all seen his type wandering the streets. We’ve all felt his stare linger for a few seconds too long and we’ve all had the same feeling of dread when we saw him approaching us. Reportedly, Worth did a lot of research on actual serial killers before taking on the role of Kirk Smith and his performance is terrifying because it is so real.

It’s icky to watch but, at the same time, it do serve to remind us that there are real life Kirk Smiths out there.

Agck! Seriously, it makes me shake just thinking about it.

I’m getting a gun…

Horror Film Review: Zoltan, Hound of Dracula (dir by Albert Band)

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Were you aware that Dracula owned a dog? And that dog was a vampire? And that dog’s name was Zoltan?

It’s true! Or, at least, it’s true according to a low-budget 1977 film called Zoltan, the Hound of Dracula.

Zoltan opens with a bunch of Russians unearthing an underground tomb that, we’re told, once housed Dracula. Inside the tomb, they find two coffins. One contains a man with a stake in his chest. The other contains the body of a dog that has a stake in its chest. Foolishly, the Russians remove the stakes and bring back to life both Zoltan and Veidt Smit (played by a very creepy-looking actor named Reggie Nalder, who also played the vampire in the made-for-tv adaptation of Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot). Veidt is a former servant of Dracula who can walk around in the daylight. As for Zoltan — well, he’s Dracula’s dog. His eyes glow. He has gigantic fangs. He’s a vampire dog!

It turns out that, in order to survive, Veidt and Zoltan have to find the last human descendant of Dracula and turn him into a vampire. So, Veidt and Zoltan had to Los Angeles and start to stalk family man Michael Drake (Michael Pataki). Drake (and yes, his last name was shortened from Dracula) has little knowledge of his heritage. Oddly enough, we’re told repeatedly that he’s the last member of the Dracula bloodline but he has two kids so it seems like they would actually be the last descendants of Dracula and…

Oh, who cares!? Why are we worrying about logic when it comes to reviewing a film called Zoltan, the Hound of Dracula?

Michael and his family leave Los Angeles so that they can spend the weekend at a campground and, needless to say, they are followed by Zoltan and Veidt. Soon, Zoltan is turning every other dog in California into a vampire and chasing Michael and his family.

Fortunately, a vampire hunter (played by Jose Ferrer) shows up and offers to help Michael survive. But will his help be enough?

Okay, so Zoltan, the Hound of Dracula is technically a pretty bad film. The budget is very low. Director Albert Band doesn’t really bother much with things like subtext or suspense. With the exception of the genuinely intimidating Reggie Nadler, the actors pretty much just go through the motions. But, with all that in mind — how can you not love a film called Zoltan, the Hound of Dracula? It’s fun because the film is just so ludicrous. Criticizing a film like this for being bad ultimately feels like being way too much of a scold.

Add to that, there’s a vampire puppy! And yes, he is just adorable!

I have to say that I am very disappointed that Zoltan did not make an appearance in last year’s Dracula Untold. Hopefully, any future Dracula movies will make room for Zoltan. He may have been a vampire but seriously, Zoltan was a good dog!

Halloween Film Review: Halloweentown (1998, dir. Duwayne Dunham)

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

By the time this came out in 1998 I had long since stopped watching the Disney Channel or celebrating Halloween. And apparently, I didn’t miss much. I’m not sure how this spawned three sequels.

The movie begins with Gwen Cromwell Piper (Judith Hoag) telling her daughter she can’t go celebrate Halloween like all the other children. Now of course I figured it was because she didn’t want her daughter to be sacrificed to Satan and participate in a holiday that cannot be divorced from it’s Pagan origins. Law Enforcement Guide To Satanic Cults and Part 1 of The Pagan Invasion taught me that. However, it’s nothing fun like that. It’s just that they come from a family of witches and she married a human so she wants to raise them all like humans.

Enter Debbie Reynolds on The Magical School Bus, Marry Poppins style. After showing off to the kids magic grandma style, she leaves to go back to her home. By the way, have you ever noticed that in these kid friendly witch things, their powers are genetically inherited rather than acquired by invoking some sort of non-human entity?

Anyways, after the movie reminds us that Universal still has a trademark on the Wolfman, the kids follow Reynolds back onto the bus.

After seeing some supernatural creatures on the bus, they arrive in Hill Valley…I mean Halloweentown. The kids meet the mayor and that’s important, but who cares cause we now meet the cabby.

He’s like Manny from Grim Fandango! He is the best character in this whole movie. I really hope he’s in the sequels. I can’t say enough good things about him. Well, of course some bad things are happening in Halloweentown and Reynolds is trying to get the mayor to listen, but he doesn’t. The mother also shows up to complain and act worried about the kids. After showing off the town a bit, Reynolds comes to a theater.

I would say that means something bad is going on, but I’ve been told that’s what screenings of Oogieloves (2012) looked like.

But then this guy shows up and freezes Debbie Reynolds and the mom. This leaves the kids to run around town collecting ingredients for a spell to help them. Ultimately, it takes the whole family to deal with the evil. Blah, blah, blah. It’s not a bad setup, but they just don’t do much of anything with it. Disappointing.

Hallmark Review: Smart Cookies (2012, dir. Robert Iscove)

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Valerie Troutman

This is the second Hallmark movie in row I’ve watched where a woman in expensive clothes falls in mud. Why? I guess if kids can beatbox in R.L. Stine’s Monsterville: The Cabinet Of Souls, then this movie can also fall back really tired and old things such as rich peopling falling in mud.

That butt belongs to real estate agent Julie Sterling (Jessalyn Gilsig). This movie was made in 2012 and was meant to commemorate 100 years of the Girl Scouts. This movie doesn’t even try to give an excuse for Sterling to get involved with the Girl Scouts. Her boss played by Patricia Richardson just shows up in her office, says a girl scout troop needs a leader, and that she has to go be it for 90 days. End of story. I like it when a Hallmark movie doesn’t bullshit, but just says, this is a thing that’s happening, so onward with the movie. The Gourmet Detective: A Healthy Place To Die did that too.

Julie may not be good with kids, but she does come prepared with a purse big enough to hold a severed head in it. As I’m sure you already know, she isn’t assigned the “good” girl scouts, but the ones who really need help. Kind of like herself. Bailee Madison plays one of the scouts and once again she is cast just to be super cute.

While she is working with the scouts she is also trying to sell a house. That part is really just a barometer so we can tell at what stage in her character arc she is based on how her professional life is affected by her time with the kids. Also, it’s how she runs into a handy man played by Ty Olsson who kind of reminded me of tech journalist Patrick Norton. Only with more hair.

His performance really is the highlight of this film. Of course he is also the father of Bailee Madison’s character. He’s nice, he doesn’t act zany, he cares about his daughter, etc. He’s the best part of the movie.

Since the Girl Scouts are probably best known for their cookies. The end of the film becomes her troop facing off against the best scouts to sell the most cookies. The scenes where they are fighting each other in street for sales by changing their deal every few seconds till they finally capture the crowd are the majority of these parts. I wish they had cut some of the unnecessary adapting scenes such as the mud part and given us some scenes of her doing the work that the scouts are supposed to be doing. Instead, we get a brief flash of her coming out of a Kinkos type place and then the kids are complaining about her doing everything for them. Would have been nice if they had shown that rather than just telling us it happened.

Honestly, what this movie did for me is remind me of why I enjoyed watching Troop Beverly Hills (1989) as a kid. However, there is one last thing to mention and that is that for once in a long time, the romance part really takes a back seat to the stuff with the scouts. Yes, she warms up to the father and we can see that they are good friends and are going to see where that takes them, but it’s not forced down our throats. He never proposes at the end or anything. The end is her realizing that her boss has helped make her a better person by giving her these 90 days with the girls and that she would like to continue doing it.

Is it worth watching? Not really. It won’t kill ya, but I certainly wouldn’t seek it out.

Horror on The Lens: Don’t Go To Sleep (dir by Richard Lang)

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For today’s horror on the lens, we present Don’t Go To Sleep!

In this TV movie from 1982, a little girl is killed in a horrific car crash. Her family blames themselves for her death and they really should. The father (Dennis Weaver) was drunk. The mother (Valerie Harper) didn’t keep her drunk husband from driving. Finally, the girl’s brother (Oliver Robins) and sister (Robin Ignico) were playing a prank on her when the car crashed. By tying her shoe laces together, they made it impossible for her to get out of the car.

However, they’re not the only ones who blame themselves. The dead girl blames them as well. When the family moves out to the country and attempts to heal, the girl’s ghost goes with them. And soon, she is encouraging her sister to kill the other members of the family.

And that’s just what happens.

Seriously, this movie took me by surprise. For a movie that made for network television in 1982, it’s a surprisingly dark film that doesn’t shy away from graphically killing off most of the cast. It’s a surprisingly effective little film and you can watch it below!

(Thank you to my wonderful cousin, Toni Posados, for recommending this film!)

Halloween Film Review: The Wraith (1986, directed by Mike Marvin)

Posted on October 15, 2015 by Jedadiah Leland

Packard Walsh (Nick Cassavetes) has a pretty good business going. He and his gang of “road pirates” patrol the Arizona desert. Whenever they spot a car that they want, they demand that the driver race for pink slips and they cheat to win. Through fear and intimidation, Packard rules the town of Brooks and not even Sheriff Loomis (Randy Quaid) can stop him.

Packard is obsessed with Keri Johnson (Sherilyn Fenn), who works as a carhop at Big Kay’s Burger. Packard considers Keri to be his property and even demands that she drink his blood so that they will be forever linked. Earlier, Packard and his gang killed Keri’s boyfriend, Jamie. When a new kid named Jake (played by Charlie Sheen) shows up in town, both Keri and Jamie’s brother (Matthew Barry) feel as if they know him from somewhere. Jake also has scars on his back the match Jamie’s wounds.

Shortly after Jake’s arrival, a mysterious black Turbo Interceptor appears on the roads. The unseen driver challenges each member of Packard’s gang to a race and then purposefully crashes into them. Whenever the Turbo explodes, it rematerializes somewhere nearby. When the driver does finally get out of the Turbo, it turns out that he’s covered in black leather armor and his face is hidden behind a black helmet.

According to Rughead (Clint Howard), the only member of Packard’s gang who did not take part in Jamie’s murder, the driver is “a wraith, man! A ghost, an evil spirit — and it ain’t cool!”

The Wraith is one of those films that always used to show up on TV when I was a kid. Thought it was often advertised as being a horror film, it’s actually an uncredited remake of High Plans Drifter with Clint Eastwood replaced by Charlie Sheen. Seen today, The Wraith is a major nostalgia trip. One of the fun things about watching the movie is ticking off all of the clichés that make this a definite 80s film, from the cars to the slang to the soundtrack. (It does not get more 80s than a soundtrack featuring both Billy Idol and Robert Palmer.) Packard’s gang is all made up of generic punk types. My favorite was Skank (David Sherrill), who had a mohawk and drank brake fluid.

Of course, the cars are the main appeal of The Wraith. All of the, are cool (even Rughead’s pickup truck) but the obvious star of the film is that black Turbo Interceptor. At its best, it rivals even Marty McFly’s DeLorean as the coolest car to show up in an 80s sci-fi film.

The Wraith may not be the greatest movie ever made but if you are into fast cars and Sherilyn Fenn at her loveliest, you should enjoy it.

The Daily Horror Grindhouse: Zero in and Scream (dir by Lee Frost)

Posted on October 15, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I have to admit that there’s one very simple reason why I decided to watch and review the 1970 thriller/horror/softcore/sniper mayhem film, Zero In And Scream. And that reason was that the movie is only 63 minutes long. Seriously, when you’re writing for 7 different sites while working during the day and living during the night, there are times when you simply have to say, “That 4-hour epic from the Ukraine looks like it’s a great movie but I’ve only got time for an hour-long, low-budget excursion into cinematic obscurity.”

Zero In and Scream (and that’s great title, by the way) is about Mike (Michael Stearns). Mike has really impressive hair and a deep tan. (Perhaps the scariest part of this film comes when Mike undresses and we are confronted with his pasty white tan lines.) I was going to comment on the fact that Mike also spends a good deal of the film wearing a really ugly and really wide tie but then again, this movie was made in 1970, so I guess that’s to be expected.

Mike has some issues that go beyond questionable fashion choices. He simply cannot get a girlfriend. Maybe it’s because he’s an extremely moralistic jerk who says things like, “When a man climbs on top of a woman, she becomes ugly!” Or maybe it’s because he spends almost all of his spare time holding and stroking a very phallic rifle. Whenever Mike spots a couple making love, he shoots the man and allows the woman to remain pure.

Mike spends his spare time at the local strip club where, for reasons that aren’t quite clear, one of the dancers (Dawna Rae) decides that she likes this weirdo and she invites him to come to a party at her place. The party is tres decadent in a 1970 softcore sort of way so, as you can imagine, Mike freaks out.

Will Mike be able to control his homicidal urges? Will he listen to the radio reporter who, at one point, begs the killer to turn himself in because, “It’s obvious that you’re not in control of yourself!” Or will he just continue to just wander around with his rifle while having flashbacks?

For the most part, Mike’s issues are just an excuse to get as many naked bodies on screen as possible, with a good deal of the film’s 63 minutes being taken up by a surprisingly well-shot underwater orgy scene. Zero In and Scream doesn’t really work as horror film or as a thriller but I’m still recommend it for all of my fellow history fanatics. Like many a worthy grindhouse film, Zero In and Scream is a time capsule of the era in which it was made. Until we get our hands on a time machine, films like this are as close as we will ever come to personally experiencing the 70s.

Add to that, Zero In and Scream is worth watching for its abrupt but clever final shot. It may not be a particularly good film but it has a great ending!

(In case you hadn’t already guessed, Zero In And Scream is available from Something Weird Video.)