If there’s one thing that experienced film watchers like you and me know, it’s that a bad DVD commentary track can really be a traumatic experience.  There’s nothing worse than sitting down to watch your favorite film, turning on the commentary track, and discovering that the film was essentially made by a bunch of dullards.

Luckily, that’s why God created alcohol.

And, to help you through the trauma of it all, here’s the official rules to the Lisa Marie Bowman Bad DVD Commentary Track Drinking Game.

Director On A Commentary Track:

Take a drink anytime:

1. The director claims that an unimpressive scene shot around a staircase is meant to be an homage to Battleship Potemkin.
2. The director claims a poorly edited sequence is meant to be an homage to the French New Wave.
3. The director cites Orson Welles as the reason he became a director.
4. The director brags about fighting with the ratings boards.
5. The director clearly cannot remember an actor’s name.
6. The director says that a certain scene would have been better if he’d been allowed more time to film it.
7. The director whines about how the movie was marketed.
8. The director spends five minutes telling you how an obvious special effect was achieved.  Take another drink for each subsequent minute that he spends on it.
9. The director claims that his main concern, while filming a sex scene, was to make sure the actress was comfortable.
10. The director brags about ignoring the script while filming.
11. The director claims that people still approach him and say that they love the mediocre film that you’re currently watching.

Actor On A Commentary Track:

Take a drink every time:

1. The actor describes his acting technique as being “intuitive.”
2. The actor brags about performing his own stunts.
3. The actor describes a co-star as being “the most dedicated performer” he’s ever worked with.
4. The actor admits to not being sure how he got his role.
5. The actor says that he’d spent the night before filming a difficult scene getting either drunk or stoned.
6. The actor claims that people in airports still shout lines from the film at him.

Actress On A Commentary Track:

Take a drink every time:

1. The actress starts to nervously talk about everything but the film while her nude scene is currently playing out on-screen.  Or:
2. The actress suddenly stops talking from the minute her nude scene begins until it ends.
3. The actress makes it a point to loudly gasp every time there’s an act of violence on-screen.
4. The actress claims to have voluntarily “taken time off to raise my family” after making the film you’re currently watching.
5. The actress attempts to argue that the terribly exploitive movie you’re both watching is actually a celebration of “strong women.”

Producer On A Commentary Track:

Take a drink every time:

1. The producer explains that he hired someone because “we had the same lawyer.”
2. The producer spends five minutes detailing how he raised the money to make the movie.  Take another drink for each subsequent minute until the producer loses his train of thought.
3. The producer spends five minutes detailing how he decided to market the film.  Take another drink for each subsequent minute until the producer loses his train of thought.
4. The producer takes credit for a funny line, a good performance, or a well-executed shot.
5. The producer starts a story with “There’s a funny story about that…”
6. The “funny story” turns out to not be that funny.

Executive or Associate Producer On A Commentary Track:

Take a drink when the executive producer starts talking and then another one for each subsequent minute and just keep at it until the movie’s over.  Seriously, executive producers always offer up the most boring commentary imaginable.

Screenwriter On A Commentary Track:

Take a drink every time:

1. The screenwriter spends 5 minutes telling his life story as opposed to commenting on anything happening on-screen.  Take another drink for each subsequent minute until he finally get back to the movie.
2. Anytime the screenwriter admits that he essentially received credit for “rewriting” a spec script written by some younger writer who had to settle for a “story” co-credit.
3. Anytime that the screenwriter describes the film as a “comment on” some faddish social or political issue.
4. Anytime the screenwriter comments that a scene was in a different place in his original script.
5. Anytime the screenwriter complains that a one-liner was ad libbed.
6. Anytime the screenwriter spends five minutes on an anecdote about how he grew up in the streets and knows how to fight.  Take another drink for each subsequent minute of chest pounding.
7. Anytime the screenwriter claims to have based the story on a personal experience that you’d rather not know about.
8. Anytime the screenwriter says that his script was inspired by a Greek or Egyptian myth.
9. Anytime the screenwriter claims the idea for the film came to him while at a spiritual retreat.
10. Anytime the screenwriter brags about how he massively improved the source material in his version of the script.
11. Anytime the screenwriter specifically drops the names of a famous person who has nothing to do with the film you’re watching.  Take another drink if the screenwriter refers to that famous person with a nickname — i.e., Marty Scorsese, Bobby Zemeckis, Steve Spielberg.
12. Anytime the screenwriter says, “So-and-so called my agent and said it was the best script he’d ever read but it could still be better.”  Take another drink if the screenwriter starts to laugh in the middle of the word “better.”
13. Anytime the screenwriter brags about getting paid to rewrite someone else’s script.
14. Anytime the screenwriter mentions that he had to write quickly to make sure the script was done “before the strike started.”
15. Anytime the screenwriter uses a big word in such a way that it’s obvious that he wants to make sure you understand that he’s a writer.

Film Critics or Historian On A Commentary Track:

Take a drink every time the critic spends 5 minutes explaining his own incoherent interpretation of what the film is actually supposed to be about.  Take a drink for each subsequent minute until the critic finally starts to make some sort of sense.  Expect to get drunk fairly quickly.

Anyone on the Commentary Track:

Take a drink every time:

1. Somebody says, “And welcome to (insert name of movie here).”
2. Somebody says that they are very excited to be there.
3. Somebody says that they’re excited that the DVD release will now allow the movie to get the audience that it deserves.
4. Somebody audibly sighs.
5. Somebody makes a political comment.
6. Somebody awkwardly lies, “I’d forgotten how good this film is.”
7. Somebody admits that this is the first time they’ve ever actually sat through the entire film.
8. Somebody says, “We couldn’t make this film today.”
9. Somebody says, “I love this line,” at the exact moment that the line is being delivered, therefore keeping you from hearing the line that they supposedly love.
10. Somebody admits to not remembering much about making the movie.
11. Somebody says something in such a low voice that you can’t understand a word he or she just said.
12. Somebody starts to laugh for no clear reason.
13. Somebody spends up to five minutes talking about another film they’ve worked on, as opposed to the film that you’re currently watching.  Take another drink for each minute until they finally start talking about the film you’re watching again.
14.  Five minutes go by without anyone saying anything.  Do another shot for each subsequent minute until someone finally says something.
15. Somebody actually apologizes for the poor quality of the commentary track.
16. Somebody says, “Thank you for watching this film with me.”