Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Roarke tries to kill Tattoo!

Episode 3.3 “Tattoo: The Love God/Magnolia Blossoms”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on Sept. 21st, 1979)

This week’s episode of Fantasy Island opens with Tattoo driving his mini-car across the island and nearly running over a group of Islanders.

Tattoo has every reason to be excited!  This week, he is getting his fantasy.  Using a fake name (Dr. H.L. Oottat — spell the last name backwards), Tattoo requested a chance to come to the Island and live out his fantasy of being irresistible to women.  At first, Mr. Roarke pretends as if he had no idea that Dr. Oottat was actually Tattoo but, by the end of this episode, it’s pretty clear that Roarke not only knew who Oottat was but that he also saw this fantasy as his best chance to kill off his troublesome assistant.

Seriously, how else can you explain how Mr. Roarke grants Tattoo his fantasy.  Tattoo wants women to find him attractive.  (That’s actually kind of sad.  Poor Tattoo!)  So, Mr. Roarke arranges for a bunch of native Islanders to mistake Tattoo for their legendary love god, Nooyeeowee.

Words goes out that Nooyeeowee has returned to the Island.  A group of Islanders take Tattoo to their village.

The chief explains that, as the Love God, Tattoo is not only responsible for deciding who in the tribe will marry who but that his presence will also guarantee successful fishing expeditions.  Unfortunately, Tattoo is also expected to be able to fly.  When one of the islanders, jealous because Tattoo has stolen his girlfriend, accuses Tattoo of being a fraud, Tattoo is told to prove his powers by taking flight.  Instead, with the help of a native girl, Tattoo gets in a canoe and flees back to the main island.

Mr. Roarke acts as if he’s happy to have his assistant back but let’s be honest here.  Mr. Roarke has shown, on numerous occasions, that he cannot be fooled or tricked by anyone.  Are we to believe that Mr. Roarke didn’t realize that the letter from Dr. Oottaat was actually from Tattoo?  After three seasons of listening to their passive-aggressive banter, it should be obvious to anyone that Roarke and Tattoo actually hate each other.  Personally, I think Mr. Roarke was hoping Tattoo wouldn’t be able to escape.

As for the second fantasy, it features Pamela Franklin and Lisa Hartman as two women who want to become Southern belles by returning to what they consider to be the most romantic time and place in US. History, Civil War-era Georgia….

Uhmm…. yeah.  This is definitely a fantasy that would not be allowed today.  But, back in 1979, Roarke sends the women back to Civil War era Altanta so that they can both pursue a romance with the two Confederates of their dreams.  Lisa Hartman falls hard for Dack Rambo, who is made up to look like Clark Gable.  Pamela Franklin falls just as hard for Christopher Connelly, who is made up to look like Leslie Howard.  Unfortunately, their night at the plantation is ruined by the arrival of an evil Union captain, played by Luke Askew.

Sadly, the fantasy ends before the belles get a chance to marry their men.  But no worries!  It turns out that the two men were also on the Island to live out their fantasies of fighting for the Confederacy during the Civil War.  So, everything works out….

This was a weird episode and, as I mentioned earlier, it’s definitely one that would not be made today.  I can only imagine how Twitter, if it had existed back then, would have reacted to the Civil War fantasy and the frequent appearances of Dixie on the soundtrack.  To be honest, though, the the two belles were less in love with the Confederacy and more just obsessed with Clark Gable and Leslie Howard.  Tattoo’s fantasy was actually the cringier of the two, with Tattoo pretending to be a God just to get laid and its suggestion that the Islanders will basically just worship anyone that they can convince to come to their village.

(Why don’t they worship Mr. Roarke then?  I mean, he has literal magic powers!)

As I said, this episode was just very weird.  1979, you know?

The TSL Grindhouse: The Exterminator (dir by James Glickenhaus)


First released in 1980, The Exterminator begins during the Vietnam War.

Two soldiers, John Eastland (Robert Ginty) and Michael Jefferson (future Cannon Film mainstay Steve James) have been captured by the Viet Cong and can only watch as a third soldier is beheaded by his captors.  (The graphic beheading, in which the camera lingers on the head slowly sliding off the neck, is an early warning of what this film has in store for its audience.)  Jefferson manages to free himself from his bonds and kills most of the enemy soldiers.  After Jefferson frees him, Eastland fires a bullet into the still twitching body of the VC commander.

The film jumps forward to 1980.  Living in New York City, Jefferson and Eastland are still best friends and co-workers at a warehouse.  For a second time, Jefferson saves Eastland’s life when the latter is attacked by a gang calling themselves the Ghetto Ghouls.  When the Ghouls get their revenge by tracking down Jefferson and piecing his spine with a meat hook, Eastland gets his revenge by killing …. well, just about everyone that he meets.

Though The Exterminator was obviously inspired by Death Wish, a big difference between the two films is that Eastland doesn’t waste any time before starting his anti-crime crusade.  In the original Death Wish, Paul Kersey (played by Charles Bronson) starts out as a self-described “bleeding heart” liberal who was a conscientious objector during the Korean War.  Even after his wife and daughter are attacked (and his wife killed) by Jeff Goldblum, Kersey doesn’t immediately pick up a gun and start shooting muggers.  Indeed, it’s not until the film is nearly halfway over that Kersey begins his mission and, in one of the film’s more memorable moments, he reacts to his first act of violence by throwing up afterwards.  While one could hardly call Death Wish an especially nuanced film, it does at least try to suggest that Kersey’s transformation into a vigiliante was a gradual process.

The Exterminator, on the other hand, goes straight from Eastland informing Jefferson’s wife about the attack to Eastland threatening a tied-up Ghetto Ghoul with a flame thrower.  When did Eastland kidnap the Ghetto Ghoul?  Why does Eastland have a flame thrower?  Where exactly has Eastland tied up the Ghetto Ghoul?  None of this is explained and the film’s abruptness gives it an almost dream-like feel.  The film plays out like the fantasy of everyone who has ever been mugged or otherwise harassed.  Magically, Eastland suddenly has the skills and the resources to outsmart not just the criminals but also the police who have been assigned to stop him.  Even the CIA is assigned to take down Eastland because his anti-crime crusade is inspiring people to wonder why the President hasn’t been able to reduce crime.  The film plays out like the type of daydreams that Travis Bickle had when he wasn’t driving his taxi.

Eastland is ruthless in his kills but fortunately, everyone he kills is really, really bad.  The Ghetto Ghouls clubhouse is decorated with a poster of Che Guevara but Che’s revolutionary rhetoric isn’t worth much when the Exterminator’s after you.  A mob boss makes the mistake of not telling Eastland about the Doberman that’s guarding his mansion so into the meat grinder he goes.  New Jersey loses a state senator when Eastland discovers him torturing an underage male prostitute.  The film was shot on location in New York City and the camera lingers over every grimy corner of the city.  A scene where Eastland walks through Times Square takes on a cinéma-vérité feel as people jump out at him and try to entice him to take part in everything the city has to offer.  If Death Wish suggested that Paul Kersey’s actions were saving New York, The Exterminator suggests that we should just let John Eastland burn the whole place down.

With his youthful face, Robert Ginty looks more like a mild-mannered seminarian than a hardened veteran of both Vietnam and the mean streets of New York but, ultimately, that works to the film’s advantage.  If anything, it explains why everyone who meets him trends to underestimate what he’s capable of doing.  B-movie vet Christopher George overacts in his usual amusing way as he plays the detective who has been assigned to catch The Exterminator.  Samantha Eggar plays a doctor who starts dating George for no discernible reason.  The scenes featuring George and Eggar often seems as if they belong in a different film but they do provide some relief from the rather grim and gruesome scenes of The Exterminator killing almost everyone who he meets.

The Exterminator was controversial when it was originally released and it still retains the power to shock.  It’s easy to laugh at some of the film’s more melodramatic moments but there were still more than a few scenes that I watched with my hands over my eyes.  The film’s hard edge grabs your attention from the start and the idea of the CIA sending assassins to take out a neighborhood vigilante is so over the top and ridiculous that it’s kind of hard not to appreciate it.  That the film totally buys into its paranoid worldview (“Washington will be pleased.”) makes the whole thing far more compelling than it should be.

As ludicrous as it all is, The Exterminator is a film that defies you to look away.

Here’s The Trailer For Five Nights At Freddy’s


Who here is excited about Five Nights At Freddy’s!?

I will admit that I am, even though I’ve never played the game on which the film is based.  The trailer looks like fun and isn’t it time for Matthew Lillard to make a comeback?

Here’s the trailer:

Retro Television Reviews: Hang Time 5.5 “Too Good To Be True” and 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

I’ll always remember, me and my friends at Hang Time….

Episode 5.5 “Too Good To Be True”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 16th, 1999)

Michael’s father is out of town and — oh no! — Michael has damaged the family car.  Michael has to raise the money to fix the car before his father comes home so Michael gets a job delivering pizzas.  Since this is a Peter Engel-produced show, this means that Michael has to dress up and talk like a pirate.

Fortunately, Michael meets a real estate agent who happens to be a fan of Deering basketball.  The agent gives Michael a job and even loans him the money to pay for the car repairs!  Yay!

Unfortunately, Michael is dating Julie again and, as usual, Julie just can’t let anyone else be happy.  She decides that the real estate agent is trying to recruit Michael to play basketball at Indiana Tech.  Apparently, it’s against the rules for recruiters to offer gifts to students.  Julie tells Michael that he has to quit his job and then she gets the rest of the team to tell Michael the same thing.  Michael’s first instinct is to tell everyone to mind their own business.  And really, Michael has a point here.  It’s his life and seriously, I’m sure everyone bends the rules.  If he’s a good enough player and if he goes to a school with enough rich benefactors, no one will ever care.  But, eventually, Michael quits his new job and refuses to take the money.  By the end of the episode, he is once again dressed as a pirate and delivering pizzas.

“I’m proud of you,” Julie says, “you followed the rules.”

(Rules are for suckers.)

Meanwhile, Coach K is totally excited because he’s bought a new telescope so he can watch a comet fly by the Earth.  Yay!  I’ve been critical of Coach K in the past but he’s actually pretty likable in this episode and Dick Butkus does a good job of playing up his almost childlike excitement over seeing the comet.  Of course, Julie pops up to say that the comet is no big deal because Julie has to ruin everything.

Let’s move on.

Episode 5.6 “Shall We Dance?”

(Dir by Miguel Higuera, originally aired on October 23rd, 1999)

At the start of this episode, the audience goes crazy as Michael asks Julie out on a date.

“You two are so getting back together!” Mary Beth tells Julie.

Uhmmm …. last episode, they were back together and Julie was going out of her way to ruin Michael’s future.  Once again, we have another example of NBC deciding to show these episodes out of order and allowing continuity to be damned.

Anyway, Michael and Julie start dating again.  However, Julie also discovers that she and Antonio love to swing dance!  (Over the past five seasons, there’s been absolutely nothing about Julie that suggested she would be into swing dancing but whatever….)  Julie and Antonio decide to enter a swing dancing contest and soon, they’re spending all of their time together.  Always a force of chaos, Mary Beth subtly suggests to Michael and Kristy that their respective significant others may be falling for each other.  Even a bizarre cameo from Dr. Drew Pinsky (who apparently lives in Deering and shops at the local mall) can’t keep Michael and Kristy from getting jealous.

This was actually a fun episode, just because of all of the dancing.  Jay Hernandez and Daniella Deutscher did get married after co-starring on Hang Time so Mary Beth wasn’t totally wrong about there being chemistry between Julie and Antonio.  If I really wanted to be critical, I would point out that this is yet another episode where Julie is actually pretty self-centered (she abandons Michael in the middle of a date so that she can go practice a new dance move with Antonio) but …. eh.  There was too much dancing for me to be overly critical.

There was also a pretty stupid B-plot, where Silk and Eugene tried to film Coach K. losing his temper so that they could send it into America’s Funniest Home Videos.  Didn’t the same thing happen on California Dreams and City Guys?  It might have happened on One World, too.  All of these shows blend together after a while.  Still, despite the dumb B-plot, I enjoyed this episode.

Monday Live Tweet Alert: Join Us For Deep Rising and Lone Wolf McQuade!


As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in hosting a few weekly live tweets on twitter and occasion ally Mastodon.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of Mastodon’s #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We snark our way through it.

Tonight, for #MondayActionMovie, the film will be 1998’s Deep Rising!  We’ll be paying tribute to the great Treat Williams.

Following #MondayActionMovie, I will be guest-hosting the #MondayMuggers live tweet!  We will be watching 1983’s Lone Wolf McQuade, starring Chuck Norris and David Carradine!  The film is on Prime and Tubi!

It should make for a night of fun viewing and I invite all of you to join in.  If you want to join the live tweets, just hop onto Mastodon, pull up Deep Rising on YouTube, start the movie at 8 pm et, and use the #MondayActionMovie hashtag!  Then, at 10 pm et, switch over to Twitter and Prime, start Lone Wolf McQuade, and use the #MondayMuggers hashtag!  The live tweet community is a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.   

Enjoy!

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Paul Thomas Anderson Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.

Today is the birthday of one of our greatest filmmakers, Paul Thomas Anderson!  This edition of 4 Shots From 4 Films is dedicated to him and his brilliant career!

4 Shots From 4 Paul Thomas Anderson Films

Boogie Nights (1997, dir by Paul Thomas Anderson, DP: Robert Elswit)

The Will Be Blood (2007, dir by Paul Thomas Anderson, DP: Robert Elswit)

The Master (2012, dir by Paul Thomas Anderson, DP: Mihai Mălaimare Jr.)

Phantom Thread (2017, dir by Paul Thomas Anderson)

Scenes That I Love: Freddie and Dodd’s Final Meeting From Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master


Today’s scene that I love comes from 2012’s The Master, written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson (who is celebrating his birthday today).

Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joaquin Phoenix were never better than they were in Anderson’s enigmatic story of two very different men who become unlikely friends.  Phoenix plays Freddie Quill, a World War II veteran who has never figured out how to adjust to life during peacetime.  Hoffman plays Lancaster Dodd, a writer who claims to have all the answers but who is actually a charlatan.  In this scene, Freddie and Dodd meet for one last time and, though they are both characters about who most viewers will have mixed feelings, there’s something undeniably poignant about their final moments together.  Both of them realize that the time they had is over.  And indeed, watching this scene today is all the more difficult because it reminds us of what a talent we lost when we lost Philip Seymour Hoffman.

From Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master:

Lisa Marie’s Week In Review: 6/19/23 — 6/25/23


What a strange week.

I started out hoping against hope that the Titanic submersible would be found.  Of course, by the time it was found, it was already too late.  A lot of people online took seemed to take a ghoulish joy in the tragedy, reminding me of just how awful some people can be.

(I have to be honest.  Whenever I heard about the submersible in the past, I assumed that it was built and equipped with state-of-the-art equipment and that it was being guided by grizzled but competent Navy veterans.  I didn’t realize it was basically just something that someone made in their back yard.)

I then got caught up in the Russian “coup,” which turned out to be a big nothing.  On Saturday afternoon, I tweeted this:

And, by the time I returned, it was all over!

And now, today, people are sending me pictures of RFK Jr. without his shirt on and it’s true that, for a 70 year-old, he looks about 10 years younger.  But I kind of yearn for a world where presidential candidates stay off twitter and keep their shirts on.  It’s just shaping up to be a weird year and 2024 is obviously going to be a lot stranger.

As for this week, I continued to work on my reviews for this year’s Horrorthon.  I’m getting an early start so I can enjoy October this year as opposed to spending all of my time playing catch-up.  I finished watching all of the religious films and now I’m watching movies about serial killers.  It’s a strange world.

Anyway, here’s what I watched, read, and listened to this week!

Films I Watched:

  1. 2025 — The World Enslaved By A Virus (2020)
  2. A Little Game (1971)
  3. The Cross and the Switchblade (1970)
  4. Cross Purposes (2021)
  5. Day of Defense (2003)
  6. D.C. Sniper (2010)
  7. Drifter: Henry Lee Lucas (2009)
  8. Edge of Salvation (2012)
  9. End of Days: Global Catastrophe (2019)
  10. Exodus of the Prodigal Son (2020)
  11. The Exterminator (1980)
  12. Freeway Killer (2010)
  13. Happy Gilmore (1996)
  14. Hot Fuzz (2007)
  15. Plane (2023)
  16. Prayer Never Fails (2017)
  17. Step Over The Edge (1976)
  18. The Texas Railroad Killer (2022)
  19. Tiger Claws (1991)
  20. The Touch (2005)
  21. Trust (2018)
  22. The World’s End (2013)
  23. The Wristwatch (2020)

Television Shows I Watched:

  1. Andor
  2. Are You Being Served?
  3. Beavis and Butt-Head
  4. Bubblegum Crisis
  5. City Guys
  6. Dancing With The Stars
  7. I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson
  8. The Love Boat
  9. Making the Cut
  10. The Master
  11. Night Flight
  12. So You Think You Can Dance
  13. Welcome Back Kotter

Books I Read:

  1. Up With The Sun (2023) by Thomas Mallon

Music To Which I Listened:

  1. Adi Ulmansky
  2. Annie Hardy
  3. Britney Spears
  4. The Chemical Brothers
  5. Christina Aguilera
  6. Fiona Apple
  7. Haim
  8. The Hives
  9. Kid Rock
  10. Kylie Minogue
  11. Lynard Skynard
  12. Muse
  13. Phantogram
  14. Public Service Broadcasting
  15. Saint Motel
  16. Taylor Swift

Live Tweets:

  1. Tiger Claws
  2. Hot Fuzz
  3. Happy Gilmore
  4. The World’s End

Trailers:

  1. Priscilla
  2. Drive-Away Dolls

News From Last Week:

  1. Actor Fredric Forrest dies at 86
  2. Dean Smith, Olympian-turned-stutman, dies at 91
  3. Former Megadeth drummer Lee Rauch dies
  4. Guitarist John Waddington dies at 63
  5. Human remains found near where Julian Sands went missing
  6. No Hard Feelings opens soft
  7. The Flash’ Box Office ‘Disaster’ Exposes DC’s $1.1 Billion Problem for Warner Bros.
  8. All five passengers on missing Titanic submersible dead after catastrophic implosion
  9. Lost with the Titanic: Will submarine passengers’ remains ever be found?

Links From Last Week:

  1. Is This America’s Most Dangerous Hike? I Found New Video Of Our Hike To Angel’s Landing!
  2. Tater’s Week in Review 6/24/23

Links From The Site:

  1. I reviewed Hang Time, Fantasy Island, The Love Boat, City Guys, The Master, and Welcome Back Kotter!
  2. I reviewed A Tattered Web and Plane!
  3. I shared my week in television!
  4. I paid tribute to Billy Widler!
  5. I shared a scene from Evil Dead II!
  6. Jeff shared music videos from Andy Summers, Whitesnake, Pantera, Iron Maiden, Phil Collins, U2, and Metallica!
  7. Erin shared Walk in Darkness, The Search, The Murders of Fox Island, Road Kid, Summer Sidewalk, The Young Titan, and Super Science Stories!

More From Us:

  1. At my music site, I shared songs from Phantogram, Kylie Minogue, Christina Aguilera, The Hives, Kid Rock, Haim, and Annie Hardy!
  2. At Days Without Incident, Leonard share music from Spider-Man Across The Spider Verse and John Mayer!
  3. At her photography site, Erin shared Do Not Enter, Head in the Shadows, They’re Coming To Get You, Best Friends, Evening Tree, Get Down, and This Tree!

Want to see what I did last week?  Click here!

Retro Television Reviews: A Tattered Web (dir by Paul Wendkos)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1971’s A Tattered Web!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Sgt. Ed Stagg (Lloyd Bridges) is a good cop and an overprotective father.  Ever since his wife left him, Ed has been determined to make sure that his daughter, Tina (Sallie Shockley), has a good life.  So, as you can probably guess, Ed is not amused when he finds out that Tina’s husband, Steve (Frank Converse), has been cheating on her with Louise Campbell (Anne Helm).  Ed has never liked Steve and would love it if his daughter left him.  But, Ed still doesn’t want want Tina to have to go through the pain of knowing that her husband is seeing another woman.

Ed decides to drop by Louise’s apartment and talk to her himself.  Louise, however, is not willing to let some old stranger tell her how to live her life.  After all, she’s heard from Steve about what a terrible and judgmental father-in-law Ed is.  Ed gets frustrated and shoves Louise.  Louise stumbles back, hits her head, and …. uh-oh.  Louise is dead!  To be honest, it didn’t really look like she hit her head that hard.  In fact, I had to rewatch the scene to see if she actually hit her head at all.  But no matter.  Louise is dead and Ed’s responsible.

The next morning, when Ed and his partner, Joe (Murray Hamilton), are called in to investigate Louise’s homicide, Ed is approached by Louise’s neighbor (John Fiedler), who gives him a description of a  young man who he says he frequently saw going up to Louise’s apartment.  The description perfectly describes Steve.  The police sketch artist draws a picture that looks like just like Steve.  Joe thinks that Steve is responsible.  Not wanting his daughter to think that her husband’s a murderer, Ed decides to frame Willard Edson (Broderick Crawford), an alcoholic who frequently comes into the station and confesses to crimes so that he can have a place to sleep for the night.

Yes, it’s a tattered web indeed.  Ed is able to talk Edson into confessing to the crime but then Steve does his own detective work and realizes that Edson couldn’t be the murderer.  Ed tells Steve that he should just let the police arrest Edson because, otherwise, they’re going to come after Steve.  Steve, however, says that he would rather be arrested and be given a chance to prove his innocence than just stand by idly while an innocent man goes to jail.  Being a veteran cop, Ed wasn’t expecting everyone to be so damn honest!

A Tattered Web isn’t bad for a 70-minute made-for-TV movie.  The film’s main strength is the cast, with Lloyd Bridges, Murray Hamilton, and especially Broderick Crawford giving strong performances.  The scene where Ed talks Edson into confession is especially well-done, with Crawford giving a performance of growing desperation while Bridges himself appears to be on the verge of tears as Ed realizes what his life has become.  Like his sons Jeff and Beau, Lloyd Bridges is such a likable actor that it’s hard not to care about what happens to the characters that he’s playing, even when he’s playing a murderer.  A Tattered Web is an effective thriller that reminds viewers that guilt cannot be escaped.