Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.17 “April’s Love/We Three/Happy Ending”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, a special guest returns!

Episode 3.17 “April’s Love/We Three/Happy Ending”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on January 12th, 1980)

Let’s see.  This week’s episode is entitled April’s Love/We Three/Happy Ending and….

Wait?

Whose love?

April?

Oh no (or oh yes, depending on how you view things), it’s a Charo episode!

Charo was hardly the only celebrity to frequently appear on The Love Boat but she was the only one to always play the same character.  April first boarded the ship as a stowaway and then she returned as an entertainer.  She appeared at least once in almost every season.  In many ways, Charo was the perfect fit for The Love Boat.  She was loud, flamboyant, and shameless.  She was sexy but innocent.  She was the epitome of The Love Boat aesthetic.  At the same time, a little Charo went a long way and, whenever she boarded the ship, you knew the episode was pretty much going to be 75% Charo.

That’s the case here, in which the crew makes such a big deal over April that you have to wonder if they’re aware that there are other passengers on board.  April boards the ship with her manager and fiancé, Honest Tex (Forrest Tucker).  The crew doesn’t trust Honest Tex, especially when they find out that he was a used car salesman before he met April.  When Honest Tex hears Julie playing her flute and offers to get her a recording contract, the crew assumes that he wants to cheat on April!

(Side note: Since when did Julie start playing the flute?)

Fortunately, Honest Tex turns out to be sincere and he really does have a heart as big as Texas.  After April tells him what the crew has been saying about him, Honest Tex admits that he has been lying about something.  He was actually born in New Jersey.  April sings a song, the crew apologizes, and April and Honest Tex leave the boat a happy couple.

While this is going on, William and Betty Robinson (Don Adams and Juliet Mills) board the boat so they can get some work done.  They are married screenwriters but they are on the verge of divorce.  Once they finish their current script, they can split up.  The only problem is that William doesn’t want to split up with her.  Isaac suggests that William just never finish the script.  William hides the script in his nightstand and then, saying that it’s been lost, he works with Betty to write a new script in which a couple stays together.  Betty and William realize that they still love each other.  Betty discovers that William hid the script but she then confesses that she had another copy of the original script the whole time.  Awwwwwww!  This was a cute story.  Don Adams was a lot more likable here than he is on Check It Out! and Juliet Mills is a lot less annoying than her sister Hayley.

(Admittedly, I really only know Hayley from her time as Miss Bliss on those weird episodes of Saved By The Bell.  But seriously, Miss Bliss was the worst!)

Finally, Tom Thornton (Ross Martin) boards the boat and is surprised to see his ex-girlfriend, Martha (Marjorie Lord), and Martha’s adopted daughter, Laura Rogers (Laurie Walters).  Laura happens to be Tom’s daughter!  Tom isn’t sure whether or not he should reveal he is Laura’s father but meeting Vicki and hearing about how happy Vicki was when she discover Captain Stubing was her father leads to Tom telling Laura the truth.  Laura is happy to have a father and Martha is happy to reunite with Tom.  This was another sweet story, featuring sincere performances from both Ross Martin and Marjorie Lord.  (Plus, Vicki finally did something to justify breaking all of the labor laws that are undoubtedly being violated by having a 12 year-old working on a cruise ship.)

This episode featured two sweet and sincerely-acted stories but both of them are overshadowed by April and Honest Tex.  Personally, I think April is an amusing character and, as I said, Charo was the epitome of the ideal Love Boat celebrity guest.  But it’s still hard not to feel that the other passengers deserved just as much attention as Charo received in this episode.  That said, this was still an enjoyable cruise.  A good time was had by all.  I know Charo will return in future episodes but I have a feeling we’ll never hear from Honest Tex again.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Baywatch Nights 1.2 “Bad Blades”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, an detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on Youtube!

This week, David Hasselhoff battles John O’Hurley on Baywatch Nights!

Episode 1.2 “Bad Blades”

(Dir by George Fenady, originally aired on October 7th, 1995)

Cosmetics mogul Frances Sandreen (Lois Nettleton) has hired Mitch, Garner, and Ryan to help her track down her wayward son, Todd (Jason Hervey).  Like a lot of rich and spoiled kids, Todd has had his problems with the law.  He’s a wanderer, someone who has spent most of his short life pursuing extreme sports and who dropped out of college after just a semester or two.  Mitch and Garner think that the kid sounds like a spoiled brat but they need the money so they take the case.

(Why is Mitch so poor?  He never seemed to be struggling financially on Baywatch.)

Unfortunately, Todd has fallen in with an even worse crowd than his old prep school friends.  He’s joined a group of roller-skating burglars who rob apartments and delivery vans and then skate away into the darkness.  One reason why they’re so good at their job is because they spend hours every day practicing.  If you’ve ever wanted to spend 20 minutes of your life watching footage of people skating off of ramps in slow motion, this episode should be right up your alley.

Leading this gang of thieves is the impeccably-dressed Kemp.  Kemp is played by John O’Hurley of Dancing With Stars, Family Feud, and Seinfeld fame.  (O’Hurley also appeared in a few episodes of Baywatch, always playing a different character.)  With his perfect haircut and his resonant voice, O’Hurley makes for an entertaining villain.  There’s nothing about O’Hurley’s performance that suggests that he is in any way taking the role of Kemp particularly seriously.  O’Hurley plays him like a comic book villain and that is definitely to the episode’s benefit.

As entertaining as O’Hurley and the skating scenes are, this episode reveals a huge problem with the first season of Baywatch Nights.  Other than the fact that Hasselhoff is wearing a shirt for the entire runtime, there’s nothing about this episode to really distinguish it from a typical episode of BaywatchBaywatch has its share of episodes about spoiled rich kids and their worried parents.  Baywatch was always looking for an excuse to pad out an episode with some extreme sports footage.  Even the scene where Garner and Mitch chase the thieves across the Los Angeles river felt like it was lifted from Baywatch or any other Los Angeles-based crime show for that matter.

As well, it’s impossible not to notice that, for an a show called Baywatch Nights, most of the action takes place during the day.  I thought being a private eye was only supposed to be Mitch’s night job.  Who is watching the beach while Mitch is investigating crimes?  It really does seem like Mitch is violating some sort of lifeguard code here.

Next week: Mitch searches for the only witness to a murder!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.1 “The Devil and Mandy Breem/The Millionaire”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, season 4 begins with …. THE DEVIL!

Episode 4.1 “The Devil and Mandy Breem/The Millionaire”

(Dir by Vince Edwards, originally aired on October 25th, 1980)

The fourth season of Fantasy Island opens with Mr. Roarke and Tattoo once again upset with each other.

When a man named Fred Catlett (Arte Johnson) wrote to Mr. Roarke and said that his fantasy was to become an instant millionaire, Roarke turned down his fantasy for …. reasons, I guess.  Seriously, becoming an instant millionaire sounds like a typical fantasy and I seem to remember that it’s one that Roarke has granted for other guests on the series.  I’m not sure why Roarke decided that poor, meek Fred Catlett was somehow unworthy of his fantasy.

For whatever reason, though, Roarke does turn down the fantasy.  So, imagine his surprise when Fred shows up on the island!  Tattoo explains that he decided to give Fred his fantasy.  Roarke tells Tattoo that he’ll receive no help and no money from him.  Tattoo is shocked and I’m wondering if this means that Fred will get a refund.  I mean, Fantasy Island is not cheap.  Actually, if Fred already had enough money to come to Fantasy Island, that does make his fantasy seem a little bit weird.  It seems like you have to be a millionaire to get your fantasy in the first place.

Roarke, I should add, is a hypocrite because he totally suspends the rules for this week’s other guest.  Mandy Breem (Carol Lynley) has come to the Island with her fantasy being that she wants the Island to save her life.  However, Mandy refused to explain all of the details of her fantasy until she came to the Island.  Roarke allows her to come, despite not knowing what she wants.  If Tattoo did something like that, Roarke would never let him hear the end of it.

So, what is Mandy’s fantasy?  A year ago, Mandy’s husband (Adam West) underwent a surgery.  Fearful of his life, Mandy made a deal with …. THE DEVIL!  She agreed that, if he saved her husband’s life, she would give up her soul in a year’s time.  Well, that year is coming to a close and Mandy has come to Fantasy Island, hoping that she can somehow get out of the deal.  The Devil (played by a dapper Roddy McDowall) has followed her and soon, Roarke must confront the Lord of Darkness for the sake of Mandy’s soul.

This is a really fun story, largely because the performance of Roddy McDowall as the devil.  Wearing a black suit and a white tie and delivering all of his lines with just the right mix of menace, sarcasm, and camp McDowall is the ideal trickster.  The smoky confrontation between Roarke and the Devil is the highlight of the episode, with both Montalban and McDowall both seeming to relish they drama of the moment.  Ricardo Montalban once said that, while the show’s producers wanted to keep Roarke as enigmatic as possible, he always envisioned Roarke as being a fallen angel who was doing his penance on Fantasy Island.  And, indeed, there is a hint of that in his confrontation with the Devil, with the show suggesting that this is neither the first nor the final time that the two shall meet.

As for the other fantasy, Tattoo’s solution is to steal a magic lamp and give it to Mike.  Mike rubs the lamp and wishes for a million dollars.  A briefcase full of money flies through the sky and lands in front of him.  Mike is convinced the magic worked but actually the briefcase was tossed out of a moving car and now, three thieves (Arlene Golonka, Ross Martin, and Joe Turkel) want their money back!  It all works out in the end.  Despite Roarke’s earlier refusal to grant Fred his wish, this was ultimately a typical Fantasy Island fantasy.  While it really couldn’t compete with Mr. Roarke facing off against the Devil, it did, at least, give Tattoo something to do.  One gets the feeling that this episode was specifically conceived so that both Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize could get their chance in the spotlight without having to actually interact with each other.  And it works out wonderfully, with Tattoo’s silly antics providing a nice balance to the more dramatic stuff involving Mr. Roarke.

All in all, even if it’s obvious that Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize were still not getting along behind the scene, this was a fantastic start for season 4!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: CHiPs 1.2 “Undertow”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, Ponch takes a deep breath and he gets real high.

Episode 1.2 “Undertow”

(Dir by Christian I. Nyby II, originally aired on September 22nd, 1977)

On tonight’s episode of CHiPs, a true crisis breaks out.

The California Highway Patrol’s basketball team loses a game!

Now, they would have won the game if Ponch had been playing.  I’m only two episodes into this series and it’s already pretty obvious that there’s apparently nothing that Ponch can’t do.  However, while at the scene of an accident on the highway, Ponch stood right in front of a leaky cannister of nitrous oxide!  He ended up getting so high that he started seeing double, dancing in the halls of the station, and basically just acting like a total jackass.  Of course, he smiled the whole time.  Baker was less amused.

Because of his temporary high, Ponch was sent home and ordered to stay in bed for a day.  He missed the game and the CHiPs lost to some other off-duty branch of California law enforcement.  Fortunately, Sgt. Getraer is able to set up a rematch and, with Ponch now able to play, the CHiPs win by two points!  And, of course, the winning shot is taken by Ponch because there’s nothing that Ponch can’t do.  This episode ends with a series of freeze frames of Ponch winning the game and proving that California has the best highway patrol in the country.

Of course, the basketball game is only the B-plot of this episode of CHiPs.  The main storyline deals with fake tow truck driver (Angelo de Meo) who is listening to the police radio for calls from women who have broken down on the highway.  The driver goes to wherever the women are calling from but, instead of towing their car, he instead steals their money!  The first time that Ponch and Baker chase him, the crooked tow truck driver gets away.  The second time, they catch him.  Of course, both of the chases lead to multi-car wrecks on the highway.  This episode features the first instance of a car flipping over in slow motion on this show.  Apparently, that would go on to become a CHiPs trademark.

Of course, there are other little things that Ponch and Baker have to deal with.  They pull over a drunk driver (Jim Backus) and Ponch, who is high from the nitrous oxide, struggles to give him a sobriety test.  They also pull over an old surfer (Paul Brinegar), who has a talking myna bird in his truck.  The bird was cute.  These scenes did not add up too much but I imagine they were included to drive home the idea that Ponch and Baker are professionals, even if they do spend a lot of time talking about basketball.

This episode was actually kind of fun.  Erik Estrada is not a particularly subtle actor to begin with and this episode actually gives him an excuse to overact even more than usual.  As much fun as it is to watch Estrada bounce off the walls, it’s even more interesting to glance over at Larry Wilcox and see just how much he appears to resent having to work with someone who always has to be the center of every scene.  Neither Wilcox nor Baker seem particularly unhappy about Ponch being sidelined for a good deal of the episode.  Just as in the pilot, the chase scenes were genuinely well-filmed and it was impossible not to enjoy the shots of the motorcycles weaving in and out of traffic.

Next week, Ponch will probably save someone’s life while Baker seethes in the background.  We’ll see!

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.11 “Give a Little, Take a Little”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Tonight’s episode is a reminder that you don’t mess with Miami Vice!

Episode 1.11 “Give a Little, Take a Little”

(Dir by Bobby Roth, originally aired on December 7th, 1984)

Oh my God, this episode…. this episode put me through an emotional ringer.  After two episodes that were somewhat light and airy, Give A Little, Take A Little is a return to  the dark and surreal storytelling that was Miami Vice’s signature style.

Things start out on an energetic note, with a montage of Miami nightlife set to the tune of Tina Turner singing You Better Be Good To Me.  For once, Gina (Saundra Santiago) and Trudy (Olivia Brown) are seen before Crockett and Tubbs, this time purchasing appropriately trashy (but stylish) outfits for their undercover prostitution sting.  When Crockett and Tubbs are finally seen, they’re heading over to see their informant, Noogie (Charlie Barnett).  The very high and very talkative Noogie tells them about a warehouse that is being used by a dealer.

At the warehouse, Crockett and Tubbs find a nervous watchman, Bob Rickert (Lenny Von Dohlen).  The obviously terrified Bob explains that he’s just watching the warehouse for an old college friend of his.  When Tubbs and Crockett open up a box and yank out several bags of pills, Bob admits that he knows his friend is a drug dealer but Bob also insists that he’s never sold any drugs in his life.  Sonny takes sympathy on Bob and, after Bob gives them the name of his friend, he allows Bob to go home to his wife.

Bob’s friend is Sally Alvarado (a very young and smoldering Michael Madsen).  After the expected car chase, Crockett and Tubbs arrest him.  However, Alvarado’s lawyer — Richard Cain (Terry O’Quinn, of future Stepfather and Lost fame) — demands that Crockett reveal the name of his confidential source.  (When Crockett meets with the lawyer, he insists on calling him, “Dick.”)  The judge at Alvarado’s trial agrees that Alvarado has a right to know who has accused him of being a drug dealer and she orders that Crockett name his informant.  When Crockett refuses, Crockett goes to jail.

Meanwhile, Gina and Trudy are working at Club Ocho, which is owned by Cinco (Tony Plana).  They are both pretending to be sex workers who have just moved down to Miami from Philadelphia.  Cinco sends them out to work the streets, where they are picked up every night by their fellow Miami Vice detectives, Switek and Zito.  When Cinco’s boss, Lupo Ramirez (the great Burt Young), spots Gina at the Club, he promotes her to working directly for him.  When Ramirez comes to suspect that Gina might be an informant, he invites her to his house late at night for a meeting and, off-screen, he rapes her.

Crockett is released from jail, despite having not named his informant.  He assumes that Lt. Castillo called in a marker but Castillo instead reveals that Bob felt so guilty about Sonny being in jail that he went to Cain and confessed to being the informant.  He also agreed not to testify against Alvarez.  While Sonny was still sitting in jail, Sally Alvarez was released from prison.

That night, Noogie introduces Sonny and Tubbs to another informant, Trick Baby (Henry Sanders).  Impressed that Crockett went to jail to protect an informant, Trick Baby tells Sonny and Tubbs that Sally Alvarez is Ramirez’s second in command.  He also reveals that Ramirez is sending Cinco to kill Gina.

Back at her apartment, Gina is being comforted by Trudy when Cinco shows up.  Fortunately, Crockett and Tubbs show up at well.  A chase and gunfight leads to Cinco being seriously wounded.  Cinco promises that, if he lives, he’ll testify against Alvarez and Ramirez.

At Club Ocho, Alvarez is watching as Switek makes his debut as a stand-up comedian.  Switek’s act is terrible but it provides the cover needed for Crockett and Tubbs to arrest Alvarez.  After being told that Cinco has ratted him out, Alvarez agrees to rat out Ramirez.

The next morning, Gina and Trudy show up at Ramirez’s mansion.  Gina draws her gun and tells Ramirez that he’s under arrest.  Ramirez, who is holding the knife that he was using to make his breakfast, laughs and smugly says that Gina can’t arrest him after what “we’ve shared.”

And….

GINA SHOOTS HIM!

HELL YEAH!

Seriously, that was one of the most satisfying moments that I’ve experienced since I started watching this show.  It’s also a reminder of how different the cops on Miami Vice were from most of the other cops who showed up on crime shows in the 80s and 90s.  Just when you’re expecting Gina to sigh, lower her gun, and read Ramirez his rights because she’s a cop and a cop has to obey the law, she shoots him.  And since Ramirez was dumb enough to act like a smug jackass while holding a knife, the shooting will undoubtedly be ruled as being justified.

This was an emotional episode and not always easy to watch but it all built to a powerful conclusion.  While I did spend a lot of time playing “spot the famous guest star,” I was even happier that this episode finally gave Miami Vice‘s often neglected supporting cast to show what they could do.  John Diehl, Olivia Brown, Michael Talbott, and especially Saundra Santiago all got their chance to shine in this episode.

Next week, Giancarlo Esposito plays a drug dealer decades before Breaking Bad.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Degrassi Junior High 1.10 “Smokescreen”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi Junior High, which aired on CBC and PBS from 1987 to 1989!  The series can be streamed on YouTube!

This week, Rick and Caitlin team up to save the planet!

Episode 1.10 “Smokescreen”

(Dir by John Bertram, originally aired on March 22nd, 1987)

Caitlin has a crush on the school bad boy, Rick.  All of her friends say that Rick is dumb and a criminal.  He’s known for getting into fights (though, as we learned a few episodes ago, most of his bruises actually came from his abusive father) and he was also held back a grade.  Everyone tells Caitlin that she needs to stay away from Rick but Caitlin says they’re wrong about Rick.  Rick, she says, is sensitive and misunderstood and she can fix him.

Agck!  Seriously, I’ve been there.  I knew exactly what Caitlin was feeling and what was going through her mind because I’ve always had a weakness for the troubled bad boys who hide their poetic soul underneath a tough exterior.  When I was in high school, I idealized more delinquents than I can even begin to remember.  Unfortunately, it often turned out that guys who had a bad reputation had that reputation for a good reason.  But still….

Anyway, Rick also has a crush on Caitlin and he doesn’t realize that she had one on him despite the fact that she’s totally obvious about it.  (Maybe Caitlin’s friends have a point about Rick not being the smartest kid at school.)  After finding out that Caitlin is a member of the Environmental Action Committee, Rick decides to join as well.  At first, snobby Kathleen is like, “Rick can’t join, he’s a criminal!”  But Caitlin insists that Rick really does care about the environment.  Rick even signs Caitlin’s petition protesting the foul-smelling pollution that is being spewed out of a nearby factory.

Rick actually has some ideas for what the EAC can do to combat pollution.  He says that the EAC has to actually be about action and not just endless meetings.  Kathleen rolls her eyes but Caitlin thinks that Rick has a point.  In a scene that practically screams, “This was filmed in the 80s,” Caitlin and Rick get on the school’s public address system and perform a rap called “Stop the Stink” and yes, it’s just as cringey as it sounds.  It does, however, inspire all of the students to sign Caitlin’s petition.

Unfortunately, it turns out that the corporate overlords don’t really care that much about a petition from a bunch of 13 year-olds.  Upset because Caitlin won’t admit that the petition was useless, Rick goes outside and lights up a cigarette.  Kathleen spots him smoking and uses it as an excuse to kick him out of the EAC.  This leads to Caitlin telling off Kathleen and Rick tells Caitlin that he only joined the committee because he liked her.

(If all this sounds familiar, it’s because pretty much the same thing happened nearly two decades later, when Sean Cameron joined Emma Nelson’s environmental club and volunteered to help clean the ravine.  In that case, it was Sean’s delinquent friends who dragged Sean away from environmentalism while  Emma was so busy getting mad at Manny for changing her look that she barely noticed.  We’ll get to that episode sometime in the far future….)

While all this is going on, Yick Yu is upset because, as a class assignment, he’s supposed to bring in a family heirloom.  As a refugee, Yick has no heirlooms.  Arthur tells him to just tell the class about how he came to Canada but, instead, Yick buys a vase from an antique mall.  Unfortunately, Arthur breaks the vase when he accidentally knocks it off a desk so Yick is forced to tell his life story anyway and the entire homeroom is impressed.  Yick learns to be proud of his background.  It’s a good B-plot, though you do have to wonder how many more times Arthur is going to do something stupid before Yick gets tired of him constantly messing things up.  I mean, in this case, I almost feel like Arthur was specifically trying to destroy the vase when he “accidentally” let it fall off of the desk.  No one can make that many mistakes without a few of them being deliberate.

This episode was a classic Degrassi mix of relatable characters and cringey moments.  I could totally relate to Caitlin’s crush on the school bad boy but my God, was that environmental rap ever cringey.  The scenes of Kathleen running the the environmental club like a dictator made me smile because I think we all knew someone like that in school.  That said, for anyone who knows their Degrassi history, any episode that features Caitlin but not Joey is going to feel strange.  I’m watching Degrassi Junior High for the first time so I don’t know how exactly this whole Caitlin/Rick thing is going to play out, but I do know who Caitlin is eventually going to end up with and let’s just say that it’s not the environmentally-concerned tough guy.  That’s the way it goes with bad boys.  They never stick around.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Check It Out 1.7 “A Rosenbloom By Any Other Name”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Advance warning: This episode is pretty dumb.

Episode 1.7 “A Rosenbloom By Any Other Name”

(Dir by Ari Dikijian, originally aired on November 13th, 1985)

Oh God, this episode.

Seriously, I’m just going to start things out by admitting upfront that this episode was a bit too frantic for me.  Obviously, a lot of great comedy has come out of misunderstandings but in the case of this episode, most of the misunderstandings were just too stupid to be amusing.

So, basically, cashier Jennifer Woods (Tonya Williams) has been promised a raise by Howard and she is really looking forward to using that money to pay off her new car.  But, when she receives her paycheck, she discovers that the raise did not go through.  Marlene, ever the trouble maker, tells her that Howard must have lied about trying to get her the raise.

But Howard didn’t lie!  He submitted the paperwork to a Mr. Federson at the corporate headqyarters and Federson has yet to approve it.  Howard marches into his office and discovers Edna on the phone.  Howard tells Edna to hang up and call Federson.  Edna says that (for some reason) she’s already on the phone with Federson.

“Ask him where the Hell Jennifer’s raise is!” Howard says.

“Where the Hell is Jennifer’s raise?” Edna repeats.

Federson takes offense to the way the question was asked and hangs up.  Howard tells Edna that it’s her fault for using that tone with Federson but Edna replies that she was using Howard’s tone and, for what seems like an hour or two, they debate who is responsible for which tone.  Howard tells Edna to call up Federson and apologize for her tone.  Edna calls Federson and apologizes for Howard’s tone and Federson tells her to tell Howard to man up and apologize himself.  Oh, and Jennifer’s raise is now cancelled because Canada apparently has very lax labor laws.

While this is going on, Howard is also having to deal with an old woman named Mrs. Rosenbloom (Helen Hughes), who is standing outside the store in the Toronto cold.  Howard brings Mrs. Rosenbloom inside.  Mrs. Rosenbloom says that she’s waiting for her son, Sheldon but she’s not sure where he is or what his phone number is.  “I don’t want to be a bother,” Mrs. Rosenbloom continually says as she bothers Howard for everything from a chair to a cup of soup.

Meanwhile, Jack Christian and Murray build a gigantic display of taco chips.  Unfortunately, the display gets to be too high and it falls over on top of Mrs. Rosenbloom.  Luckily, she appears to be okay.  “Those chips have sharp edges!” Howard exclaims.

Marlene encourages Jennifer to sue the company for discrimination, as Jennifer is the only black person working at the store and also the only one to not get a raise.  Howard panics when he learns that Jennifer has hired Marlene’s boyfriend, lawyer Cy Richards, to sue the store for 10 million dollars.  When Cy (Ted Simonett) does eventually show up at the store to meet with Jennifer, it turns out that he’s actually Mrs. Rosenbloom’s son, Sheldon.  He changed his name when he opened his law office.  Cy is happy to have found his mother but he’s even happier to sue the store.

But then, largely because there’s only two minutes left in the show’s running time, Jennifer decides not to sue the store because Federson comes by the store to meet with her and he decides to give her the raise.  Federson is played by Clark Johnson, who would go on to appear on shows like Homicide and The Wire.  Howard takes one look at Federson and exclaims, “You’re black!”

“It runs in the family,” Federson replies.

(Yes, it’s just as cringey as it sounds.)

Jennifer may have dropped the lawsuit but Howard is still going to court because now Mrs. Rosenbloom is suing because of the chip display that fell on her.

There was a bit too much going on in this episode and so much of it could have been avoided by Howard and Edna not being idiots.  I mean, how does a secretary keep her job if she doesn’t know enough to clean up her boss’s language before quoting it back to someone at the corporate office?  How does Howard not know better than to have someone else apologize for him?  How can he promise someone a raise that he apparently doesn’t have the power to deliver?  In short, how does Howard still have a job?  On The Office, they went to pains to establish that Michael was good at selling things as a way to explain why he was still in charge of the branch.  On Check It Out, Howard is so thoroughly incompetent that it’s difficult to believe that the store hasn’t burned down yet.  And, of course, there’s the fact that Howard, having worked for the company for 20 years, is stunned to discover that a black man has a position of corporate authority.  I mean, that really doesn’t say anything good about Howard or the company.

Shows like Check It Out make me happy that I’ve never had a real job.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.20 “The Littlest Sweathog” and 2.21 “Radio Free Feddie”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Julie’s pregnant and Freddie’s a star!

Episode 2.20 “The Littlest Sweathog”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 10th, 1977)

At the apartment, Julie sees that Gabe has a sketch pad and she demands to know what he’s drawing.

“A picture of you,” Gabe replies.  He explains that he’ll let her see the picture after he tells her a joke about a relative of his who lost a lot of money when he put $5 on horse number five and the horse came in fifth.  (It went over my heard but I’m not a gambler.)  Anyway, the picture isn’t very good and Julie tells him that Gabe’s attempt at art is “funnier than the joke.”

YIKES!

After the opening credits, we return to the apartment where Gabe is tutoring Barbarino.  The audiences screams so loudly when Barbarino shows up at the apartment that it’s hardly surprising that he’s having trouble concentrating in school.  I mean, that audience is really loud!

No sooner has the lesson begun with Gabe asking what Barbarino knows about D-day (“That’s the day I bring home my report card.”) then the phone rings.  Barbarino tells Gabe that it might be a girl calling for him but instead, it’s Julie’s doctor calling to tell her that she’s pregnant.

“Julie’s pregnant!” Gabe shouts.

Barbarino says, “Don’t look at me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Vinnie!  I know who the father is!”

“Who?”

Gabe is convinced that he’s the father, despite the fact that Vinnie does kind of have a point.  I mean, Julie really doesn’t seem to even like Gabe the majority of the time.  When Julie comes home, Gabe eventually convinces Vinnie to leave so that he can tell Julie the news.  Gabe is excited.  Julie is not excited at all, pointing out that she can’t even remember to water the plants half the time.  Gabe tells Julie that she’ll glow.  Julie responds that “Spending a half-hour trying to get out of a chair is not my idea of glowing.”

The next day, at school, the Sweathogs are debating what type of present they should get Gabe.  Freddie suggests a savings bond.  Horshack offers to donate 89 cents.  The Sweathogs are incredibly invested in the happiness of Gabe’s baby, which is quite a contrast to the way we viewed the teachers at my high school.  We didn’t know anything about their lives outside of school and we didn’t want to know.

After Horshack tells Woodman that Gabe is going to be a father, Woodman replies, “This time, you’ve gone too far, Kotter!  Who is it!?  What’s her name?”

Gabe assures Woodman that the only person who he’s gotten pregnant is his wife.  Woodman replies that Gabe is going to have to start holding up gas stations to have enough money to raise a child.  Gabe tells Woodman that Julie doesn’t seem to be to thrilled.  Woodman replies, “I wouldn’t be too thrilled about having your baby either,” before laughing maniacally.

Back at the apartment, Julie is feeling depressed because, as she says when she hears someone knocking at the door, “Somehow, I just don’t feel like I’m glowing!”  Julie answers the door and sighs in frustration as the Sweathogs enter the apartment.

“Oh!  The lady in waiting!” Horshack announces.  Meanwhile, Barbarino notices that Julie is reading a book by Dr. Spock.  “I’m a big Star Trek fan, too,” Barbarino says.

Gabe comes home and, somewhat oddly, is not shocked to find the Sweathogs in his apartment.  Gabe asks the Sweathogs to leave.  Barbarino and Freddie are happy to go because they want to watch TV.  “This bionic woman is getting bigger transistors tonight,” Barbarino says.  “Dyno-mite!” Freddie replies.

After the Sweathogs finally leave, Julie says that she realizes that, fears aside, she wants to have the baby.  Gabe is happy because he’ll have someone new to tell all of his jokes.

Later, Gabe buys a stuffed dog for the baby and then tells it about his uncle who owned a dog named Roscoe.

This episode was both sweet and a bit awkward to watch.  On the one hand, I appreciated the fact that the show tried to be realistic in its portrayal of Julie’s overwhelmed reaction to learning that she was pregnant.  On the other hand, this episode really drove him the fact that Gabe Kaplan and Marica Strassman didn’t exactly have a lot of chemistry.  By most accounts, Kaplan and Strassman couldn’t stand each other behind the scenes and that tension between the two of them was really noticeable in this episode.  (It’s hard not to notice that Gabe and Julie never seem to make much eye contact in this episode.)  Reportedly, Strassman often complained that she didn’t get enough to do as Julie.  This episode put Julie center-stage but she still had to share it with the Sweathogs and the whole thing just felt kind of weird.  I actually felt bad for Julie.  She can’t even relax in her own apartment without Gabe’s students coming by!

I’m starting to worry about the baby.  Let’s move on.

Episode 2.21 “Radio Free Freddie”

(Directed by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on February 17th, 1977)

At the apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle who was a paratrooper and who apparently plunged to death when his super emergency parachute didn’t open.  That’s not a nice joke to tell a pregnant woman, Gabe!

At the school, Gabe is explaining to the Sweathogs that a famous radio DJ known as Wally the Wow is a former Sweathogs and Gabe has arranged for Epstein, Barbarino, Freddie, and Horshack to work as radio DJs for the week.  What?  How did that happen?  This seems more like a City Guys thing than a Welcome Back Kotter thing.  If you owned a radio station, would you turn programming over to four high school students?  Would you let Horshack on the radio?

Anyway, Wally the Wow is played by legendary comedian George Carlin and his producer, Andy, is played by The Love Boat‘s Fred Grandy.  When the Sweathogs take their turns on the radio, Wally is totally impressed by Freddie’s radio voice and, realizing that the rest of them don’t have Freddie’s talent, the other Sweathogs leave the station.  Freddie becomes a big hit but his friends think that he’s let the fame go to his head.  Wally tells Freddie that being a DJ can be a lonely job.  Freddie is prepared to give up his radio dreams but then the other Sweathogs drop by the station and apologize for being jealous.  Freddie agrees to stay on as a DJ.

Later, Gabe drops by the station and thanks Wally for taking care of the Sweathogs.  They reminisce about high school.  “I remember you used to tell all of those stupid jokes about your uncles,” Wally says, “I’m glad you outgrew that.”

This was a weird episode, largely because it really didn’t make any sense for Wally to put the Sweathogs on the radio in the first place.  It would not surprise me if this was yet another backdoor pilot, this time for a sitcom that would have followed the adventures of Wally the Wow and his goofy engineer, Andy.  Still, as strange as the episode was, it did give Freddie, the most underused of the Sweathogs, a chance to have a moment in the spotlight so that was a good thing.

Next week, the second season ends!

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.7 “Doctor Jack”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week’s episode of Friday the 13th: The Series is actually really good!

Episode 1.7 “Doctor Jack”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on November 9th, 1987)

Dr. Vincent Howlett (Cliff Gorman) has a reputation for being a miracle worker.  He’s the surgeon who is called in to do the difficult operations that no other surgeon would have the courage to try.  Somehow, despite all of the complex surgeries that he has been involved in, he has never lost a patient.  The local Toronto hospital is very happy to have Dr. Howlett on staff.

However, Dr. Howlett’s success rate is not just a case of medical skill.  He owns a special, lucky scalpel.  He purchased it from a knife dealer who earlier purchased it from — you guessed it! — the cursed antique shop.  The scalpel is from the Victorian era and it once belonged to none other than Jack the Ripper!  The scalpel can make any surgery a success but it demands blood as payment.  So, before every surgery, Dr. Howlett has to go out and find someone to murder.

Searching the scalpel as a part of their mission to track down all of the cursed antiques, it doesn’t take long for Ryan, Micki, and Jack to track the scalpel down to Dr. Howlett.  However, when Ryan tries to steal the scalpel, a chase through the hospital ensues.  When Jack distracts Howlett long enough for Ryan and Micki get away, Jack ends up getting thrown down an elevator shaft.

Jack survives his fall but he’s suffered some terrible internal injuries.  In fact, he’s going to need surgery!  Fortunately, the best surgeon in Canada is on staff at the hospital.  As much as Ryan and Micki want to steal that scalpel, they know that Howlett is going to need it if he’s going to save Jack’s life.

Meanwhile, Jean Flappen (Eva Mai Hoover) is stalking the hallways of the hospital, carrying a gun and hoping to get revenge on Dr. Howlett for the murder of her daughter….

Yikes!  Hospital’s are creepy in general but they’re even more creepy when the head surgeon is carrying around a scalpel that once belonged to Jack the Ripper.  (Of course, in reality, it’s doubtful that Jack the Ripper was actually a doctor.  In all probability, he was a butcher in all definitions of the word.)  This episode makes great use of the hospital setting, creating an atmosphere of perpetual unease.  It was a genuinely scary location and, for once, the fact that Friday the 13th didn’t have a huge budget worked to show’s advantage.  The shots of the empty and shadowy hospital hallways, without even an extra or two populating them, were truly ominous.

Cliff Gorman also gave a wonderful performance as Dr. Howlett, playing him as the type of arrogant jerk who knows that he can get away with being unlikable because he’s the best at his profession.  The scene where Howlett can’t find his scalpel and has a sudden meltdown really drives home the idea that the owners of the cursed antiques have become addicted to using them.  As soon as Howlett can’t hold his scalpel in his hands, his smooth façade crumbles and he starts going through what can only be called withdrawal.

With its creepy atmosphere and Gorman’s sinister performance, Dr. Jack is the best episode of Friday the 13th that I’ve reviewed so far.

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 2.5 “The Whole Truth”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week’s episode begins in Manitoba but ends in Toronto.

Episode 2.5 “The Whole Truth”

(Dir by Allan Kroeker, originally aired on October 31st, 1988)

Apparently, with the start of the second season, the producers of T & T decided that the show no longer needed to begin with Mr. T telling us what was going to happen on “today’s episode.”  That’s a shame, as Mr. T’s introductions were one of the highlights of the first season.

This episode begins with a title card telling us that the scene we’re about to watch is taking place in St. Louis.  I’m going to assume that the show must be referring to the St. Louis in Manitoba because everyone knows that T & T totally takes place in Canada.

In St. Louis, Manitoba, a teenage pool player named Bobby (Lowell Conrad) is making a lot of money at the local pool hall.  But when a man named Mike (James Purcell) steps into the pool hall, Bobby quickly puts away his pool cue and then makes a run for it.

Both Bobby and Mike end up in the city where T & T is set.  A title card tells us that this city is apparently named “Metro County,” but again, the viewer only has to look at the snow on the ground and listen to accents of the inhabitants to realize that Metro County is actually Toronto.

Mike and Amy show up at Decker’s gym, where they have a meeting with T.S.  (As opposed to the first season, in which Turner worked out of Amy’s law office, it now appears that T.S. works exclusively out of the gym.)  Amy says that Mike is a client who needs help.  Mike explains that he works for a St. Louis insurance company that is after a juvenile car thief named Bobby Slayton.  Despite the fact that everything about Mike — from his suit to his smirk — radiates evil, T.S. agrees to help.

Joe Casper (Sean Roberge), who is apparently now like totally reformed from his flirtation with being a Neo-Nazi in the previous episode, is now living at Decker’s gym.  He helps T.S. by walking around Toronto and asking random people, “Have you seen a 16 year-old, about 5’6?”  Somehow, this vague description leads him to Bobby, who is once again making a living as a pool hustler.

As you probably already guessed, Mike is not an insurance agent and Bobby is not a car thief.  Instead, Bobby is someone who has been on the run ever since he saw Mike murder a convenience store clerk during a robbery.  When Mike comes after Bobby, he finds T.S. waiting for him.

“You’re outta gas, brother!” T.S. yells before grabbing Mike.

The episodes ends on a curious note, with T.S., Amy, and Bobby leaving a courtroom and lamenting that Mike was found not guilty on the robbery charge.  Bobby says that the system failed to do its job but T.S. tells him that “sometimes, that’s what happens, little brother.”  But, T.S. also assures Bobby that Mike will be going to jail on the attempted murder charge.  Well, let’s hope so.

So far, this season of T&T seems like it’s attempting to be a bit more serious than the first season.  If this episode had aired during the first season, Mr. T would have picked up Mike by his ankles and carried him around Toronto while inviting all of the citizens to jeer him and throw hockey pucks at him.  Instead, in this episode, we just get Mr. T grabbing Mike and then waiting for the police to show up.  That’s a shame as the first season was at its best whenever it acknowledged the absurdity of Mr. T working as a private detective in Toronto.  This is really not a show that has any business taking itself seriously.

As with the previous second season episodes, there was a serious lack of Mr. T quirkiness in this episode.  There was no talk of his love for cookies or gospel music.  So far, about the only personality that T.S. Turner retains from the first season is his habit of calling everyone “brother.”  Otherwise, T.S. has been turned into a typical, streetwise private eye.  Seriously, why would you cast Mr. T and then not let him be Mr. T?