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Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 2.18 “A Friend To The End”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, it’s two stories for the price of one!

Episode 2.18 “A Friend To The End”

(Dir by David Morse, originally aired on April 17th, 1989)

Before I say anything else about this episode, I should make clear that I’ve been watching Friday the 13th on YouTube.  Every episode has been uploaded and 99% of the uploads are clean and clear and easy to follow.  Unfortunately, this episode was the exception.  The sound quality was terrible.  The image was often blurry.  I’m not sure why this episode — and none of the other uploaded episodes — was so bad but it was bad enough that I occasionally struggled to follow the plot.  That’s not the fault of the show.  It’s just that the video that was uploaded to YouTube was really bad.  While I think I got the gist of the episode, I should still make clear that I watched it under less than ideal conditions.

This episode actually tells two stories.  With Jack out of town, Micki and Ryan are trying to retrieve the Shard of Medusa, a crystal that turns people into statues.  DeJager (Donna Goodhand) is the artist who currently owns the shard and who is using it to turn her models into stone.  What’s interesting about this story is that, when the episode begins, we join in medias res.  Micki and Ryan already know that DeJager has the shard and they’re already making a plan for Micki to go undercover as a model.

Unfortunately, they’re so busy trying to get back the shard that they don’t really have time to look after J.B. (Zachary Bennett), Micki’s young nephew who keeps getting left at the antique store while his newly-divorced mother runs off with her latest boyfriend.  (Interestingly, Ryan scornfully asks Micki about “your sister,” but since Micki is Ryan’s cousin, wouldn’t Micki’s sister also be his cousin?)  While Micki and Ryan are busy trying to get back the shard, J.B. is breaking into a nearby haunted house and befriending a troubled boy named Ricky (Keram Malicki-Sanchez).  What J.B. does not know is that Ricky is actually a living dead boy who is kept alive by a cursed coffin.  In order to continue to live, Ricky has to sacrifice people to the coffin.  Ricky isn’t happy about this.  He just wants a friend.  J.B. is willing to be that friend but what will happen when Ricky, desperately in need of a new sacrifice, turns his gaze towards Micki?

One of the strange things about this episode is that, when J.B. tells Micki and Ryan about Ricky, they both assume that he’s just making something up.  After everything Micki and Ryan have seen, would they really be so skeptical about J.B. claiming to have met a ghost in a long-abandoned house?  The other interesting thing about this episode is that the two storylines didn’t really intersect, beyond the fact that J.B. felt neglected because Micki and Ryan were spending so much time trying to get the shard.  At one point, DeJager breaks into the store and briefly grabs J.B. but that’s something that probably would have happened regardless of whether or not J.B. had ever met Ricky.

Did this episode work?  I’m hesitant to give a final verdict because of the poor quality of the upload.  That said, Keram Malicki-Sanchez gave a good performance as the tragic Ricky and I appreciated how all of the stuff with DeJager almost played out like a good-natured parody of a typical Friday the 13th episode.  Bad upload and all, this episode worked for me.

Finally, seeing as how I reviewed St. Elsewhere earlier today, I simply have to note that this episode was directed by Dr. Jack Morrison himself, David Morse.

 

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 1.2 “Bypass”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu!

This week, William Daniels claims the show as his own.

Episode 1.2 “Bypass”

(Dir by Thomas Carter, originally aired on November 9th, 1982)

“Hey, it’s Tim Robbins!”

Yes, the future Oscar winner shows up in the second episode of St. Elsewhere, playing a rich kid-turned-terrorist named Andrew Reinhardt.  Reinhardt, who no doubt learned all about Marxism during his first semester away at college, set off a bomb in a bank, killing two people and putting a woman named Kathleen McCallister into a coma.  Both Reihnhardt and McCallister have been brought to St. Eligius.  While Kathleen’s husband, Stephen (Jack Bannon), sobs in the hallway, Reinhardt acts like a petulant brat in his hospital room.

With the nurses refusing to change his sheets or even give him his morphine shots, it falls to Dr. Morrison to take care of him.  Reinhardt is not at all appreciative and Morrison finds himself conflicted.  How is he supposed to give proper medical treatment to someone who he despises?  Morrison is so conflicted that he even goes to Dr. Westphall.  Westphall responds by telling a long story about a time that he fell in love with a patient.  I’m getting the feeling that Morrison feeling conflicted and Westphall telling long stories are both going to be regular features on this show.

(The correct answer to Morrison’s question about how he can take care of a bad person is as follows: It’s your job and you’re getting paid to do it.)

This episode also gave the viewer a chance to get to know Dr. Craig, the very talented but very egotistical head of surgery who is played by the great William Daniels.  Dr. Craig holds a press conference to inform reporters about the conditions of both Reinhardt and Kathleen McCallister and declares that, despite its bad reputation, “St. Eligius is the place to be!”  He then proceeds to get angry when the press is more interested in talking to the surgeon who actually saved Kathleen’s life than to him.

Dr. Craig browbeats a Mr. Broadwater (Robert Costanzo) into getting bypass surgery done.  The surgery appears to have been a success but it’s hard to ignore that Craig essentially bullied the guy into getting a major operation, one that could have killed him if the least little thing had gone wrong.  Resident Victor Ehrlich (Ed Begley, Jr.) assists in the operation and, at one point, Dr. Craig intentionally head butts him when Ehrlich cannot name all of the arteries leading into the heart.  It’s a bit aggressive but, on the plus side, Ehrlich does learn all of the names.  Afterwards, Dr. Craig brags about how his own son is following in his footsteps and tells Mr. Broadwater’s son that some day, a new Dr. Craig will operate on him.  In other words, Dr. Craig is kind of a jerk but he’s good at what he does and he’s played by William Daniels so it’s hard to hold anything against him.

There were other subplots playing out in the background, the majority of which just seemed to be there to remind us that St. Elsewhere is an ensemble show and that, just because someone isn’t a major character in this episode, that doesn’t mean they won’t be important later on.  Psychiatrist Hugh Beale (G.W. Bailey) attempted to learn how to swim and ended up taking a class with a bunch of children.  Dr. Fiscus (Howie Mandel, the least convincing doctor ever) held court in the cafeteria and claimed that the hormones used in processing food were causing children to develop earlier than ever before.  Dr. Peter White (Terrence Knox) wandered around with a bunch of X-rays and begged everyone he met to help him understand what he was (or wasn’t) seeing.  If nothing else, this episode did a good job of capturing the idea of the hospital as being a place that’s always busy.

For the most part, though, it was Dr. Craig who carried this episode.  While Morrison and Westphall ponderously considered the implications of doing their jobs, Craig was an arrogant, angry, and brilliant dynamo and William Daniels’s high-energy performance was a pleasure to watch.  Whenever the episode started to slow down, Dr. Craig would liven things up by yelling at someone.  The hospital was lucky to have Dr. Craig and St. Elsewhere was lucky to have William Daniels.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 3.1 and 3.2 “A Special Love”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, we start season 3 of Highway to Heaven!

Episodes 3.1 and 3.2 “A Special Love”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on September 24th and October 1st, 1986)

The third season of Highway to Heaven opens with a two-parter.

A Special Love is centered around Jonathan and Mark working at the Special Olympics and meeting a developmentally disabled child named Todd Bryant (played by a 15 year-old Paul Walker …. yes, that Paul Walker).  Given up by his parents (who only did so when told by their doctors that they would never be able to give Todd the care that he needed), Todd lives in a group home and desperately wants to be a part of a family.  Can Mark and Jonathan help Todd find the confidence to compete in the Special Olympics?  Can they reunite Todd with his older brother (played by none other than Josh Brolin), who just happens to be a coach with the Special Olympics?  And can they make his dream of being adopted come true?  You already know the answers.  This is Highway to Heaven, after all.

This is also a Scotty episode.  Scotty (played by James Troesh) is a paraplegic attorney who is married to Mark’s cousin, Diane (Margie Impert).  Scotty and Diane appeared in several episodes during the first three seasons of Highway to Heaven.  Every Scotty episode follows the same basic pattern.  Mark and Jonathan drop in on Scotty and Diane.  Scotty is feeling happy and optimistic about his future.  Then, something happens that derails whatever Scotty’s latest plan is.  Scotty gets upset and tells everyone to leave him alone.  Diane says that she can’t deal with him anymore.  While Mark comforts Diane, Jonathan tells Scotty to stop feeling for himself.  Scotty eventually apologizes.  Everything works out in the end.

Though the Scotty episodes were always predictable, I do think that Highway to Heaven deserved some credit for never turning Scotty into a saint.  Too many films and television shows tend to use disabled characters as idealized props who exists only to impress everyone with their upbeat attitude and homespun wisdom.  They show up.  They say a few words of wisdom that serve to inspire the lead character.  And then they’re never seen again.  They often exist only to help the star and their lives are never explored beyond how the lead character relates to them.  Scotty, on the other hand, was frequently angry about being a paraplegic.  Even when his life was going well, Scotty would get understandably frustrated.  Scotty was not always perfect.  He made mistakes, just like anyone else would have.  What’s important is that, in the end, he always tried to do the right thing.  James Troesch, a real-life paraplegic, was not the best actor in the world but, as was so often the case with Highway to Heaven, he played the role with such sincerity that it didn’t matter that he often sounded stiff while delivering his lines.  He brought a lot of humanity to the role.

In this episode, Scotty is upset because he has just learned that he and Diane will never be able to have children.  When both Jonathan and Diane suggest adopting Todd, Scotty bitterly refuses.  Scotty claims that, due to his disability, he wouldn’t be able to properly take care of Todd.  However, when Todd announces that he’s going to win a race at the Special Olympics to prove that he’s worthy of being adopted, Scotty realizes that he’s just using his disability as an excuse to not face up to his own fears.  Scotty and Diane decide to adopt Todd.  Unfortunately, Todd’s parents suddenly decide that they don’t want another family to adopt Todd.  They want Todd to say in the group home where he is currently living.  It leads to a teary-eyed courtroom showdown.  It also leads to a happy ending.  Again, was there ever any doubt?

The story may have been melodramatic but this was still a touching episode and a good example of how Highway to Heaven‘s earnest sincerity helped the show overcome plot twists that could have been mawkish in the wrong hangs.  The first hour is especially touching, as it’s largely a tribute to the Special Olympics and the athletes involved.  There’s a lot of negative things that can be said about the Kennedy family and their impact on American political culture but Eunice Kennedy Shriver deserves all of the credit and praise in the world for founding the Special Olympics.  This episode did make me cry and it earned every tear.

Retro Television Review: Malibu CA 1.18 “The Dude of Love”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Someday, I’ll finish this show and move on to something good….

Episode 1.18 “The Dude of Love”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on February 21st, 1999)

This week, on Malibu, CA, Jason has a crush on a girl named Holly (Kristen Miller).  Holly, however, is already dating someone else.  She says that her boyfriend is an accountant and is too obsessed with work.

Does Jason:

  1. accept that Holly is not single and move on
  2. accept thar Holly is not single and wait to see what happens with her current relationship, or
  3. act like a sociopathic little bitch?

If you guessed the third answer, you obviously know your Malibu, CA!

Needless to say, Jason acting like a sociopathic little bitch is hardly a new occurrence.  When this show originally started, I thought that Scott was the more unlikable of the two main characters.  He was just so smarmy and self-satisfied.  But, as this season has progressed, I’ve come to realize that Scott is just a dumb frat boy who is trying to enjoy himself before his mid-life crisis hits.  Jason is so just as smarmy and self-satisfied as Scott but he’s also whiny and that makes him a hundred times more annoying.

(Another annoying thing is that, whenever Jason breaks the fourth wall and talks directly to the audience, he always awkwardly pauses before delivering his lines because the actor is obviously waiting for someone off-camera to cue him.  This was especially noticeable in this episode.)

Jason’s plan, as usual, involves manipulating Murray.  Murray has been hired to provide surfing updates on the local radio station (which broadcasts straight from the beach because there’s no way Peter Engel was going to pay for an extra set).  Jason announces that he’s going to be Murray’s producer.  Under Jason’s direction, Murray becomes “The Dude of Love,” offering up advise to lovelorn surfers.

First, Jason convinces Holly that she should call the Dude of Love for advice.

Then he convinces Murray that he’s sick so that Murray will stay home and Jason will able to take Holly’s call.  Jason does an imitation of Murray and tells Holly to dump her boyfriend.  Since the radio show is being broadcast literally from the beach, everyone can see Jason pretending to be Murray so I’m not really sure how this plan is supposed to work.

Anyway, Holly does not dump her boyfriend and it turns out that he’s not only an accountant but also a weight-lifter.  The accountant wants to beat up Murray so Jason confesses the truth.  The accountant tells Jason to stay away from Holly and to always save his receipts.  Okay, the receipt thing was kind of funny.

Meanwhile, Stads, Scott, and Mr. Collins deal with Honest Ernie (Ricky Paull Goldin), a conman who sold the beach to Tracy.  Of course, no one can sell the beach because it’s public property.  Honest Ernie also sells fake baseball cards.  Anyway, I’m not going to to waste my time detailing this dumb B-plot but the gang tricks Honest Ernie into buying a plot of land in Texas that doesn’t exist.  Tracy gets her money back.  Yay!

(That’s still technically fraud but whatever.)

Even by the standards of this show, this was a dumb episode.  Murray deserves better friends.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.22 “The Gift”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Abe Vigoda and Brad Greenquist star as two criminals who discover that they have an unexpected visitor in the basement of their cabin.

Episode 2.22 “The Gift”

(Dir by Jeffrey Wolf, originally aired on May 20th, 1990)

Two low-life criminals, Sid (Abe Vigoda) and his protege, Kirby (Brad Greenquist), show up at a cabin in the mountains.  They have a rich kid named Jeffrey (Zach Overton) with them.  They’ve kidnapped Jeffrey from his exclusive private school and they are planning to hold him until they get paid several million dollars.

Wanting to keep the kid comfortable, Sid tells Kirby to look in the basement for blankets.  Kirby doesn’t find any blankets but he does a find a mysterious wolfman.  Kirby shoots the wolfman twice but the wolfman survives.  Kirby then chains up both Jeffrey and the Wolfman in the basement.  Kirby thinks that it might be a good idea to forget about the whole kidnapping scheme but Sid is determined to get the money.

In the basement, Jeffrey discovers that the Wolfman can communicate with him through telepathy.  The Wolfman introduces himself as being William (physically played by Carlos Lauchu, with a voice provided by John Michael Bolger).  William explains that he’s not a monster.  Instead, he’s just a man who, centuries ago, was granted magical abilities by an old traveler.  Now, William is over 200 years old.  He’s nearly immortal but he’s also lonely.  Jeffrey is the first person who has been willing to listen to William in a long time.

Jeffrey and William bonding in the basement is undeniably sweet but Sid and Kirby are still holding Jeffrey hostage and, as time passes, it becomes obvious that they’re planning on killing both Jeffrey and his new friend.  William explains that there is a way that he can ensure that Jeffrey will survive and that he’ll be able to defeat both Sid and Kirby.  But it will involve Jeffrey making a huge sacrifice of his own….

This episode was fairly dull.  When it started, I was hoping that the show would at least do a Ransom of Red Chief sort of thing and have Jeffrey turn out to be such a brat that absolutely no one would be willing to pay a cent to get him back.  I think that would have been more interesting than what we ended up with, an episode in which Jeffrey awkwardly bonded with a werewolf who could only communicate through telepathy because moving his mouth probably would have made the actor’s mask look even cheaper than it already did.  Abe Vigoda and Brad Greenquist were well-cast as the two criminals.  Vigoda, in particular, did a good job of portraying Sid’s outwardly calm but still ruthless demeanor.  Otherwise, this was a fairly dull episode that didn’t really do much with its potentially intriguing premise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, Gopher almost gets rich!

Episode 5.5 “Country Blues/Daddy’s Little Girl/Jackpot”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on October 31st, 1981)

I have to admit that I groaned a bit when I saw that Florence Henderson was going to be one of the passengers on this week’s cruise.  I still haven’t quite recovered from the trauma of reviewing The Brady Bunch Variety Hour and, whenever Florence Henderson showed up on any of these shows, she always had to sing a song.  Florence wasn’t a bad singer but she wasn’t a particularly interesting one either.  I remember that she always seemed like she was trying too hard to be Barbra Streisand whenever she performed a song of the Brady Bunch Variety Hour.  Her version of Broadway and easy listening was always adequate without being very memorable.

And, on this cruise, Florence does sing.  She’s playing Annabelle Folker, a country singer who is hired to provide entertainment for the cruise.  She sing a few country songs and speaks with a thick (and not very convincing) country accent.  Annabelle is happy to discover that her childhood friend, Martin Correll (James Noble), is on the cruise with his uptight girlfriend and campaign manager, Barbara (Carol Lawrence).  Martin — or Blinky as Annabelle calls him — is thrilled to be reunited with Annabelle.  Barbara is less enthused and she eventually tells Annabelle that, if Martin is ever going to be a success in politics, he can’t spend all of his time with a country singer who says whatever pops into her head.  What’s weird is that Annabelle decides that Barbara is right.  She and Martin aren’t meant for each other.  Martin is too much of a career politician.  In the end, Martin leaves with Barbara and Annabelle leaves alone.  It was a weird story.  Annabelle came across like a stalker but Barbara wasn’t particularly sympathetic either.  Martin was just kind of wimpy.

Meanwhile, Marcy Crane (Randi Oakes) boards the boat with her father, Richard Simmons (Mason Adams).  Marcy’s just gotten a divorce and Richard is very protective of her.  At first, he’s concerned when she meets Dr. Jonathan Hunt (Frank Bonner), a veterinarian.  Once Marcy explains that she’s not going to rush into another relationship and she’s just looking for casual sex, her father gives the couple his blessing.  This was an oddly inconsequential story.

Finally, Gopher finds a bag that’s full of money!  After he counts the money, he discovers that he is now $47,612 richer!  (Adjusted for inflation, that’s the equivalent of $130,000 today.)  Or, at least, that’ll be the case if Gopher keeps the money.  But Gopher’s a good man at heart so, ultimately, he tells Captain Stubing about the money.  Stubing says that money will be Gopher’s if no one claims it at the end of the cruise.  And indeed, it turns out that the money was not lost by any of the current passengers.  Gopher’s happy until he spots a little old woman crying on the dock in Los Angeles.  She says that she took a cruise two weeks ago and lost a bag with her life’s savings.  Gopher gives her the money.  Awwwww!

This was a sweet story and it was kind of nice to see Gopher get a plotline.  Fred Grandy was a likable actor and I always like the episodes where Gopher reveals that he’s actually got a good heart underneath his goofy exterior.  This story did feature one rather silly fantasy sequence, in which Gopher imagined riding in a limousine with Stubing as his chauffeur, Julie as his wife, and Viki as a little beggar child.  It was kind of a weird fantasy, to be honest.

One good story out of three does not make for a great cruise.  I enjoyed Gopher’s plotline but the other two stories alternated between being dull and annoying.  This was not a great cruise.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.18 “Symbol of Death”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, Baywatch Nights tries to open an X-File.

Episode 2.18 “Symbol of Death”

(Dir by Richard Friedman, originally aired on April 19th, 1997)

After he’s found wandering around the city and babbling incoherently, Daimont Teague is taken to the hospital.  Mitch and Ryan are called to come get him but, by the time they show up, Teague has already wandered off.  Teague’s doctor hands Ryan a blue rock that Teague wanted her to have.  Suddenly, there’s an explosion in the hospital.  Mitch falls to the floor, holding his knee.  A wild-eyed man wearing a beret (Terry Kiser) grabs Ryan’s purse.  Ryan chases after him and beats him up in the parking lot.  Ryan is more upset over her purse nearly being stolen than she is over an apparent terrorist bombing at a hospital.  And I don’t blame her!  I’d kill to protect any of my purses.

The purse thief turns out to be George Wilson.  Wilson explains that he’s a writer and an expert on UFOs.  He believes that aliens are already on the Earth and that there’s a huge interstellar conspiracy that controls everything that happens on this planet.  (Of course, this show has already established that it’s actually the Knights Templar who control everything.)  The blue rock contains some sort of alien presence that apparently possessed Teague and is currently causing him to stumble around the city.  Wilson and Ryan team up to track down Teague and protect him from the aliens.  It doesn’t make any damn sense but let’s just go with it.

Due to Mitch injuring his knee when that bomb went off, the Hoff is barely in this episode.  For that matter, neither Griff nor Donna are in this episode, either.  I’m going to guess that this was a cost-cutting measure on the part of the producers because, if there’s any episode in which it would have made sense to call in Griff and Donna, it’s this episode.  They could have helped in the search for Teague.  As it is, it falls to Ryan and Wilson to do most of the searching.  Terry Kiser, who is best known for playing the titular Bernie in Weekend at Bernie’s, is always an amusing presence and he seems to be having a ball playing such a paranoid character.  That said, it’s hard not to be a little bit amazed at how quickly Ryan is willing to forgive him for trying to steal her purse.

This episode owed a lot to the X-Files, with its aliens and its murky talk of conspiracies.  Unfortunately, it lacks all of the atmosphere necessary to really make its conspiracy-fueled plotline compelling.  Despite all of the Dutch angles that are used in this episode, this is still basically a sunny and rather corny Baywatch spin-off.  Rather than leaving me feeling paranoid, this episode just let me thinking about silly this whole series truly is.  Don’t get me wrong, of course.  It’s fun.  But it’s also definitely very, very silly.

There’s only four more episodes of Baywatch Nights left to review.  I’m going to miss this show after I finish.

 

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.17 “Funny Man/Tattoo, The Matchmaker”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

Smiles, everyone!  Smiles!

Episode 5.17 “Funny Man/Tattoo, The Matchmaker”

(Dir by George W. Brooks, originally aired on February 20th, 1982)

For the second week in a row, Julie only appears in the stock footage at the start of the episode.  And again, for the second week in a row, no mention is made of her.  Mr. Roarke doesn’t say anything about why she’s not greeting the guests at the docks.  Tattoo doesn’t seem to care.

This is actually a big episode for Tattoo.  It turns out that Tattoo has a side hustle going.  He’s running a computer dating service!  (This isn’t surprising.  During the early seasons of the show, Tattoo always had some sort of extra money-making scheme going on.)  He’s invited both Harriet Wilson (Laurie Walters) and Claudette Mills (Misty Rowe) to the Island so that they can be set up with the perfect future husband.  Usually, Roarke isn’t happy when Tattoo invites people to the Island on his own but this time, he doesn’t seem to be too upset about it.  He tells Tattoo that the two women and their fantasies will be his responsibility.  At one point, Roarke even mentions that Tattoo is in charge of overseeing all of the weddings that occur on Fantasy Island.  Does that include Mr. Roarke’s wedding from a few seasons ago?

However, there’s a problem.  Tattoo’s big computer has decided that both Harriet and Claudette should marry Mr. Roarke.  Tattoo and his business partner, Ambrose Tuttle (Skip Stephenson), think that the computer must be malfunctioning but Tattoo did promise the women that he would set them up with the most charming man on the Island and what better description is there for Mr. Roarke?

Mr. Roarke is not particularly amused to discover that he is now expected to marry two women who he doesn’t even know.  Considering the tragic ending of Mr. Roarke’s previous marriage, this isn’t a huge shock.  Roarke tells Tattoo that he has to find other husbands for both Harriet and Claudia.  Fortunately, Amrbose Tuttle is single and a former football player (Russ Francis) has also come to the Island.  Can Tattoo pull it off and help all four of these people fall in love?  To quote Mr. Roarke, “Indeed, he can.”  This is Fantasy Island!

Along with learning about Tattoo’s computer dating operation, we also learn about Tattoo’s favorite comedian.  Beau Gillette (Jimmy Dean) has built a successful career telling jokes about his redneck family.  What he’s never told anyone, including his fiancée (Vicki Lawrence), is that his family is imaginary.  Beau grew up in an orphanage and created his family in his head so he wouldn’t be lonely.  Beau’s fantasy is for his family to exist, just so he can introduce them to his fiancée.  Mr. Roarke suggests that it might be a better idea for Beau to just tell the truth but Beau’s like, “Nah, let’s just bring imaginary people to life.”

While Beau’s performing his act, Uncle Jack (Morgan Woodward), grandma (Jeanette Nolan), and cousin Lindy (Linda Thompson Jenner) all come to life.  The only problem is that they all know that they’re really imaginary and they’re not happy that Beau’s been thinking less about them and more about his fiancée.  They decide that Lindy should break up Beau’s engagement by seducing him.  And if they doesn’t work, they can just kill Beau’s fiancée….

Wow, that got dark!

Actually, this isn’t a very dark fantasy at all.  Both fantasies are played largely for laughs.  Beau, realizing that his imaginary family has been a crutch that he’s been using for too long, confesses that they don’t really exist and, as a result, they all fade away.  Beau’s free to get married and I guess come up with new act.  Yay!

Much like last week, this episode felt like a throwback to the early seasons of Fantasy Island.  Tattoo got a storyline and Mr. Roarke was heavily involved in the fantasies, as opposed to just being a bystander.  Both Herve Villechaize and Ricardo Montalban appeared to be having fun in this episode and, as a result, it was fun to watch, even if it was hard to buy into the idea the Beau Gillette’s rather anodyne jokes about his redneck family would have made him into a star.  Largely due to Tattoo and his computer dating service, this was an enjoyable trip to the Island.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 2.20 “Quarantine”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

This week, things get a little dull.

Episode 2.20 “Quarantine”

(Dir by Harvey S. Laidman, originally aired on February 24th, 1979)

When a Korean teenager tries to stow away in the backseat of a car being driven by two women who freak out when they discover that he’s back there, it’s Ponch and Baker to the rescue.  They take the teenager back to the station.  Unfortunately, the teen, who does not appear to speak English, turns out to be extremely ill.  He’s rushed to a hospital and the station is put under quarantine.

That means that Baker, Sindy, Grossman, and Getraer are all stuck with each other.  (Ponch was lucky enough to get out of the station before the quarantine was declared.)  There are also two prisoners at the station, a man (Tom Poston) with multiple personalities and a young but witty criminal (Jody St. Michael) who wears a leather jacket and who is always looking for an excuse to crawl around in the air ducts.  Eventually, Harlan enters the station and ends up getting quarantined as well.  Oddly enough, the doctor who tells them that they’re quarantined is allow to enter and leave the station, despite not wearing any sort of protective gear.  For that matter, the two women who were in the car with the teenager are also allowed to leave.  This really isn’t much of a quarantine!

It’s also not much of an episode of CHiPs.  I know that I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about how, during its second season, CHiPs essentially became the Ponch show but I may have to stop doing that.  Ponch is barely in this episode and the end result is definitely the most boring episode of this show so far.  This is an episode that could have actually used Erik Estrada’s tendency to overact every single minute that he’s onscreen.  Larry Wilcox was definitely a better actor than Estrada but he’s so low-key that Baker’s just not that interesting when he’s left to his own devices.  One gets the feeling that Estrada would have totally gone totally overboard in portraying Ponch’s desire to leave the station but that would still have been more interesting than what we ended up with.

CHiPs is ultimately a show that’s about the joy of the California scenery and the excitement of driving a motorcycle down the highway.  It’s a show that works best when everyone is outside and on or in some sort of of vehicle.  With the exception of the opening scenes, this episode takes place almost entirely inside the station.  (And the station, it must be said, it not a particularly intriguing location.)  This episode fails because it goes against everything that makes CHiPs an entertaining show.  Fortunately, in the end, it turns out that the kid only had the flu and quarantine comes to an end.  Baker and everyone else is set free so that they can ride again.

 

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.7 “El Viejo”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Willie Nelson and Steve Buscemi guest star!

Episode 3.7 “El Viejo”

(Dir by Aaron Lipstadt, originally aired on November 7th, 1986)

Using their undercover identities of Burnett and Cooper, Crockett and Tubbs are attempting to take down a Bolivian drug lord named Mendez (Anwar Zayden).  Unfortunately, Crockett’s first attempt to bust Mendez does not go so well.  Their meeting, which is being held at a museum for some reason, is interrupted by a security guard.  In the resulting shootout, the security guard is killed and a green briefcase that’s full of cocaine is stolen by an old man named Jake Pierson (Willie Nelson).  Soon, Jake is attempting to contact Mendez himself, offering to bring him the briefcase.  Jake’s actions also bring him to the attention of Crockett and Tubbs, who both wonder why a 66 year-old Texan with no criminal record is suddenly trying to get involved in their drug deal.

Jake, it turns out, is a former Texas Ranger.  When he was younger, he was a legend.  He and his partner took down criminals like Bonnie and Clyde and protected Texas from Mexican revolutionaries who were preying on the border towns.  It’s been a while since Jack retired.  Now, he lives in a tiny apartment and spends most of his time thinking about the past.  He’s still a killer shot with a gun and knows how to handle himself in a fight.  But he also has a heart condition and, in fact, he would have died early on in the episode if Tubbs hadn’t given him his pills.  Crockett, for his part, idolizes the Texas Rangers, to an extent that almost seems out-of-character when you consider how cynical Crockett is usually portrayed as being.  Crockett is stunned that a former Ranger would be involved with running drugs.  Even though he’s pretending to be career criminal Sonny Burnett, Crockett still asks Jake about all of his adventures as a Ranger and does little to hide how impressed he is.

So, why has Jake gone over to the bad side?  Well, he really hasn’t.  It turns out that the son of his former partner was murdered by Mendez and Jake is looking to get revenge.  It all leads to a number of shoot-outs, including an exciting one that occurs on a Miami highway and an explosive finale at a cemetery.  Jake kills Mendez and his men but, in typical Miami Vice fashion, he takes a bullet himself and dies right after he reveals that he knew Crockett was a cop all along.

This episode features two notable guest stars.  Along with Willie Nelson, Steve Buscemi shows up in a small but memorable role as Rickles, who serves as a go-between for Crockett and Mendez.  Buscemi is as wonderfully weaselly as ever and, even though he’s a bit stiff as an actor, Nelson still brings a lot of Texas authenticity to the character of Jake Pierson.  Of course, in real life, Vice would have stopped Willie and searched his tour bus as soon as he entered the Miami city limits.  This is a pretty dark episode but it’s still amusing to watch iconic hippie stoner Willie Nelson play a cop, even if Jake is retired.

This was a good episode.  That Don Johnson and Willie Nelson were friends in real life is easy to deduce from witnessing how easily they play off of each other in this episode.  This is another episode where the bad guys are defeated but at the cost of a good guy.  Mendez will soon be replaced by another drug lord but no one will ever replace Jake Pierson.