Still don’t know what I was waiting for And my time was running wild, a million dead-end streets and Every time I thought I’d got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me But I’ve never caught a glimpse Of how the others must see the faker I’m much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes (Don’t want to be a richer man)
Ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes (Just gonna have to be a different man)
Time may change me But I can’t trace time
I watch the ripples change their size But never leave the stream of warm impermanence and So the days float through my eyes But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worlds Are immune to your consultations They’re quite aware of what they’re going through
Ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes (Don’t tell them to grow up and out of it)
Ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes (Where’s your shame, you’ve left us up to our necks in it)
Time may change me But you can’t trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me Ah changes are taking the pace I’m going through
Ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes (Oh, look out you rock ‘n rollers)
Ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strain) Ch-ch-changes (Pretty soon now you’re gonna get older)
Time may change me But I can’t trace time
I said that time may change me But I can’t trace time
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime and Tubi!
This week, Zack exploits his best friend.
Episode 1.3 “The Gift”
(Dir by Dennis Erdman, originally aired on September 8th, 1989)
Screech gets stuck by lightning!
Wow, I guess he’s dead now. Oh wait, this is Saved By The Bell. People get struck by lightning all the time. Screech isn’t dead. Instead, he can now see into the future. Zack is thrilled that his friend has a power that he can exploit and Screech is thrilled to be exploited. (That’s actually kind of sad.) It’s all fun and games when Zack uses Screech’s powers to trick Slater into losing his bomber jacket. But then, when Zack attempts to use Screech to pass Terrible Testaverde’s history midterm, things fall apart.
Terrible George Testaverde (John Moschitta, Jr.) is supposed to be the most fearsome teacher at Bayside. Everyone fears his superhard midterms. From what we see of his class, he actually appears to be a surprisingly easy teacher, albeit one who talks extremely fast. His midterm questions also don’t seem that tough. Essentially, Zack and the Bayside crew are freaking out because they’re going to have write an essay on three basic questions about the American Revolution. What a bunch of wimps. Seriously, I could pass Testaverde’s midterm with my eyes closed.
Screech loses his powers after Zack accidentally spills a drink on him but still comes up with three questions that Testaverde might ask. Zack sets up a study date with Kelly, one that is crashed by Jessie, Lisa, and Slater. Zack assures them that he knows what the three questions will be. Jessie says, “You would never lie to Kelly, would you, Zack?”
Screech later says that he’s seeing three different questions, which means that it’s time for another wacky plot! Zack pretends to be Mr. Belding and calls Testaverde and tells him that the school is flooded. Then, he pretends to be Testaverde and calls Belding and says that he has laryngitis and he needs Belding to administer his midterm. Neither Belding nor Testaverde apparently notice that the person calling them sounds like he’s 14.
The plan nearly works. Belding gives the class the three questions that Zack called him with. But then Testaverde shows up, dress like a plumber. “My school needs me!” he says. Testaverde and Belding eventually figure out what happened. (These aren’t the smarter public educators in the world.) Testaverde administers the real midterm….
Jessie gets a C and faints. Slater doesn’t seem to care about his grade, mostly because Slater’s a bad ass. Zack gets an “F minus, for scamming.” He also has to be Slater’s slave for a month. (Slater has Zack order a pizza. Zack asks for one with the “hottest peppers you can find.”) Screech passes because he actually studied so Zack makes fun of him and the audiences goes wild….
Watching this episode, I realized that the appeal of Saved By The Bell was how incredibly amoral it was. There was no right or wrong and there were no consequences. Zack fails a midterm. He lies to both a principal and a teacher. He reacts to Screech getting struck by lightning by taking advantage of him (as opposed to calling an ambulance). And, other than having to order a pizza for Slater, nothing bad really happens to him. Most shows would make a big deal about the importance of getting good grades and caring about your friends. Not Saved By The Bell! Saved By The Bell takes place in a world where, even when Zack loses, he somehow wins. I can understand why that would appeal to many viewers.
Next week, Kelly convinces Zack that she’s going to kill him.
This week was all about horror movies but here’s a few thoughts on what little of episodic television that I watched this week.
Abbott Elementary (Wednesday Night, ABC)
Why would they take the kids camping? This episode made no sense to me. I’m a little tired of hearing about Gregory’s “goofballs.”
Dragnet (YouTube)
I watched the “Night School” episode and the “Talk Show” episode. They both made me smile. I’ve seen them so many times that watching them automatically relaxes me.
Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, F0x)
Will the Blue Team ever get it together? I assume they will eventually. The men always seem to start out weak before becoming unbeatable towards the end of the season. Still, right now, I wouldn’t want any of these people making me anything to eat.
Law & Order (Thursday Night, NBC)
For the second week in a row, Maroun did not appear. I don’t really have a problem with that, as Maroun was (is?) kind of an annoying character but it’s hard not to notice that now, neither Reid Scott nor Hugh Dancy are working with a partner. I also noticed this week that Reid Scott, Hugh Dancy, and Tony Goldwyn all look way too similar. Suddenly, Law & Order is dominated by sickly-looking white guys.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.
Save me!
Episode 1.4 “Message In A Bottle”
(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on October 20th, 1989)
Hobie’s such a dumbass.
For the second time in like four episodes (and that’s not counting the pilot), the entire Baywatch team is mobilized to search for him after he goes missing. This time, Hobie overhears Mitch and his ex-wife arguing over who should have custody of him so Hobie and two of his stupid little friends head off to an island that’s also being used by a couple of murderous modern-day pirates.
Seriously, Hobie — stuff like this isn’t going to look good when Craig is in court and trying to argue that you should stay in California with your Dad. So far, Hobie has nearly been killed by a collapsing pier, he’s ended up getting chased by a murderer on a jet ski and, in this episode, he’s menaced by two other murderers. It’s time to send Hobie to Indiana or some place else where there’s no ocean.
In other news, Shauni accidentally drives over Eddie’s foot so Mitch orders them to work the 24-hour shift together so that they can learn how to work as a team. Truth be told, Eddie is a bit of whiny punk and he definitely needs to learn how to work with other people. That said, I think Mitch is overlo0king the fact that Shauni, a trained lifeguard, drove over someone’s foot. (Shauni was apparently backing out and didn’t realize Eddie was behind her, which is even worse.) Mitch finds the whole thing to be amusing and, later, Shauni has a good laugh when she nearly runs over Eddie a second time. I don’t think any of these people should be anywhere near anyone who needs help. Sometimes, people really should just stand in the darkness.
This episode was supposed to make me appreciate the efforts of the Baywatch lifeguards to protect the beach and to find missing kids like Hobie. Instead, it just made everyone look incompetent and irresponsible. Halfway through this episode, I wanted someone to get attacked by a shark. It hasn’t happened yet but at least the show has given me something to which to look forward.
Let’s start of November with Tina Arena’s cover of To Sir, With Love. This is one of those cases where the cover version is actually superior to the original version.
2014’s TheSong tells the story of Jed King (Alan Powell).
Jed is a singer-songwriter. He is also the son of David King, a country-western superstar who drank too much, smoked too much, and had an extramarital affair with Jed’s mother. (He initially spotted her while she was bathing in a lake.) After her then-husband killed himself, Jed’s mother married David but their marriage was fraught with difficulty. Jed grew up in a conflicted household. After his father died, Jed found himself expected to carry on in David’s name. Try as he might, he found himself permanent overshadowed by the legacy of David King.
(If all this sounds familiar, that’s because it’s a country-western version of the story of King David, Bathsheba, and Solomon.)
While performing at a wine festival, Jed meets and falls in love with Rose Jordan (Ali Faulkner). They marry and start a family. Jed writes a song about Rose and it becomes his first legitimate hit. Years later, Jed is a superstar, touring while his wife raises their son. It’s an arrangement that seems to work fine until Jed meets his new opening act, fiddler Shelby Bale (Caitlin Nichol-Thomas).
Soon, in the tradition of Johnny Cash, Jed King is drinking too much and popping pills and losing his way on the road. He comes home only briefly and Rose starts to feel as if the only reason he even bothers is so he can have sex. Jed’s life is soon falling apart….
TheSong is based on Song of Songs and the story of King Solomon and, to give credit where credit is due, the film is actually pretty clever in the way it updates the story. If you know the story, it makes sense that David and Jed King would both be musicians. King David spying Bathsheba in her bath becomes David King spying Bathsheba in a lake. Naamah, the only one of Solomon’s wives to be named, becomes Rose Jordan. (Naamah was said to be from what is now Jordan.) The Queen of Sheba, who tempted Solomon into sin and paganism, becomes Shelby Bale. David and Solomon were rules. David King and his son Jed are celebrities and really, there’s not that much difference nowadays. The film’s dialogue and especially Jed’s thoughts (heard in voice over) are largely borrowed from SongofSongs and again, the film actually does a good job of modernizing them without getting away from the main theme. This is one of the rare faith-based films that’s not only willing to frankly discuss sex but which also acknowledges that sexual desire is a normal thing and nothing to be ashamed of. There’s a maturity to this film that you don’t often find in the faith-based genre.
As you can probably guess, I really like TheSong. It’s well-acted, well-directed, and the film looks great. It might some like faint praise to say that TheSong looked like a real movie but, again, that’s an accomplishment for this particular genre. Alan Powell and Ali Faulkner had wonderful romantic chemistry. That said, my favorite performance came from Caitlin Nichol-Thomas, who turned Shelby Bale into a true force of chaos. TheSong remains a favorite of mine.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Freddy’s Nightmares, a horror anthology show which ran in syndication from 1988 to 1990. The entire series can be found on Tubi!
Earlier today, Robert Englund received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame! Let’s get this episode of Freddy’s Nightmares out of the way so that we can celebrate!
Episode 1.15 “School Daze”
(Dir by Michael Klein, originally aired on February 12th, 1989)
Stupid episode this week.
Two high school friends worry about their future. One of them hallucinates all of the adult authority figures in his life trying to brainwash him. The other keeps having visions of how much his life is going to suck if he doesn’t get a good score on his SATs. The premise really isn’t that bad but, as so often with Freddy’s Nightmares, it appears that the writers didn’t really dig into it. Instead, they just wrote a very shallow episode in which both stories relied on the same overused twist that seems to show up in every episode. Hey, it was all just a dream! The biggest compliment that I can give this episode is that the second story did manage to capture some of the anxiety that comes along with college testing. Some teachers really do overboard with that whole “This will determine the rest of your life” spiel. Seriously, blow off the tests, go to a party school, and make friends with someone has money. That’s really all you have to do.
Instead of fixating on a bad episode of Freddy’s Nightmares, let’s watch Robert Englund get his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This happened earlier today and, by most accounts, it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Robert Englund is living proof that you don’t have to a bad guy to play a monster. Congratulations, Mr. Englund!
Halloween’s coming to an end. Actually, here in America, it’s come to an end everywhere except on the west coast. What better way to bring our annual Horrorthon to a close than spending a few minutes with Vincent Price and the Raven?
Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly when this was filmed. But no matter! It’s Vincent Price reading Edgar Allen Poe!
Through the Shattered Lens 