Tag Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 1.11 “The Phoenix”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

A serial arsonist is setting Malibu on fire so, of course, the bike patrol is called in.

Episode 1.11 “The Phoenix”

(Dir by Charles Siebert, originally aired on May 11th, 1996)

Fires are breaking out all over Malibu.  Whoever the arsonist is, he seems to be targeting a shady businessman named Curtis Bilson (Michael Cavanaugh).  TC and Chris decide to start investigating the arsons themselves, even though neither one of them is in the arson division.  “Bike patrol?” the arson detective asks, when he first meets them.  However, because everyone respects Lt. Palermo, TC and Chris are allowed to investigate.  Chris, being a former jet pilot, is naturally an expert on accelerants.  “Smells like jet fuel.”  Wow, really?

(Basically, this is the equivalent of allowing a school crossing guard to head up the search for a serial killer.)

A surfer named Suicide (Sam Hennings) insists that he saw the fire being set by The Phoenix, a legendary arsonist who the police consider to be dead.  His real name was Willoughby (Tim DeZarn) and the official story is that he got caught in one of his own fires and his body was reduced to ash and that’s why he disappeared without leaving a trace behind.  That seems awfully convenient and really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it but, then again, Malibu has their bike patrol investigating a serial arsonist.  We’re through the looking glass here.

(Myself, I’m concerned by the fact that no one seems to find it weird that their source is nicknamed “Suicide.”  I’m going to guess that’s a surfer thing but still, I cringed every time TC said, “My friend, Suicide….”)

TC and Chris’s investigation leads them to Dr. Anton (Dennis Christopher), an arsonist who is currently in a mental hospital.  They try to do a Lecter/Clarice thing between Anton and Chris.  Dennis Christopher is a good actor and it appears that he was having fun playing a thoroughly demented character.  Jim Davidson and Darlene Vogel were very bad actors and it seems almost unfair to force them to share a scene like Dennis Christopher.  It’s like giving me a chance to play tennis on national television and then telling me, right when the cameras start rolling, that I’m going to be playing against the Williams sisters.  It’s just adding insult to injury.

Anyway, it turns out Willoughby is still alive and he’s targeting the businessman and he also kidnaps Lt. Palermo for some reason.  Chris and TC are able to save Palermo and the crooked guy from the inferno and Willoughby once again vanishes.  Because, of course, he does….

Meanwhile, Cory tries to catch a man who keeps bringing a snake to the boardwalk.  At one point, she accidentally gets doused in a wet t-shirt contest.  She’s win the trophy and then come back to the station without bothering to change shirts, which kind of goes against everything we’ve seen about Cory’s personality up until this point.  For some reason, Palermo also puts Cory in charge of catch a mouse that’s running around the station.  The snake, once captured, eats the mouse but then gets lost in the station.  That made me laugh just because I like it whenever its acknowledged that the bike patrol is totally incompetent.

Next week …. Chris has a new boyfriend!  Dr. Anton, maybe?  We’ll find out!

 

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.10 “Operation Breakout/Candy Kisses”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

And now, it’s time for …. wait?  What?  *sigh*  Okay.

Episode 6.10 “Operation Breakout/Candy Kisses”

(Dir by George W. Brooks, originally aired on January 15th, 1983)

My fantasy would be to be able to review this episode.

Ever since Fantasy Island was yanked down on all the streaming sites, I’ve been watching the show off of my DVR.  A few years ago, I recorded nearly every episode off of one of the retro stations.  (Sadly, the station also appears to no longer be broadcasting the show.)  Unfortunately, nearly is not all and this is one of the episodes that I did not record.  So, obviously, I can’t review it.

I can talk a little bit about it because I did watch this episode a few years ago.  When I read the plot description on the imdb — Wheelchair-bound Kentucky racehorse breeder Rowena Haversham wants one last chance to win a race; and self-professed failure Danny Clements of Boston wants to turn his life around by breaking an American agent out of a tough foreign prison. — a bit of it came back to me.  I remembered that Rowena (Ann Turkel) was given what she thought was a magic riding crop but that, at the end of the episode, Roarke revealed that the only magic was Rowena’s belief in herself.  I think Rowena was transformed into a younger version of herself and she befriended a young rider played by Jill Whelan and ended up falling in love with Whelan’s father, who played by John Beck and not Gavin MacLeod.  And I remember that Ben Murphy played the guy who entered the prison to save the American spy but it turned out that the prison was run totally by women and the spy was having the time of his life.  I remember bits and pieces but it’s been a few years and I still wouldn’t feel comfortable even trying to tell you whether or not the episode worked.

So, consider this to be a placeholder.  If I ever find Fantasy Island streaming somewhere or if someone is kind enough to reupload the show to YouTube, I’ll come back and review this episode.

Until then, my fantasy is for an official home video release of the entire series as opposed to just the first few seasons.  Seriously, this is a fun show and one that still has a lot of fans.  Yanking it off of Tubi to make room for the Fox reboot that only lasted for two seasons really doesn’t make a bit of sense.

This needs to be fixed!

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.14 “Wheeling”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Things get weird in California.

Episode 3.14 “Wheeling”

(Dir by Barry Crane, originally aired on December 8th, 1979)

This is one of those weird episodes where Ponch and Jon just keep running into the same people over and over again.

Artie (Paul Gale), Don (Ray Vittie), and Alan (Ron Lombard) are all in wheelchairs but they’re not going to let that stop them from enjoying life and, far more dangerously, playing tag while driving on the highway.  Artie’s van taps Alan’s car.  Alan taps Don’s car.  Don tries to tap Artie’s van.  It’s dangerous and Ponch and Jon, when they see it, promptly pull the three men over.  Ponch is impressed with Artie’s joie d’vivre.  As usual, Baker is less impresses and is like, “You — of all people! — should understand the danger!”  (I swear, poor Larry Wilcox.  While Erik Estrada got to smile through each episode, it always fell on Wilcox to be the killjoy.)

That said, both Jon and Ponch came to admire Artie and his determination to make sure that all of his wheelchair-bound friends get the most out of life.  They even help Artie present a fancy new wheelchair to Brent (David Gilliam), a surfer who has not been able to bring himself to leave the hospital ever since he learned that he will never walk again.

Artie and the gang help out Jon and Ponch as well.  Jon and Ponch are searching for a blue car that was involved in a street race that left one teenager with a broken leg.  The teenager’s father, Harry (Taylor Lacher), has been speeding up and down the freeway, searching for the car.  Harry even made a citizens arrest, though Delgado (Fil Formicola) had an alibi for the time that Harry’s son was injured.  While Delgado makes plans to sue Harry for false arrest. Artie happens to spot the blue car that Jon and Ponch are looking for.  Way to go, Artie!

But then, after all of this, Artie and his friends decide to race on Harry’s street.  Harry goes crazy.  He jumps in his car and takes off after Artie’s van, not realizing that Artie was the one who helped the police catch the guy who hit Harry’s son.  It leads to a huge accident at a construction site.  The van flips over.  Harry’s car flips over.  Harry breaks his leg.  Artie’s breaks both of his arms.  The judge sentences Harry to serve as Artie’s manservant until Artie’s arms heal.  Everyone has a good laugh, including Harry.

What a weird episode!  I mean, its heart was definitely in the right place.  The whole point of the episode was that Artie and his friends were just as capable as anyone who could walk.  That’s a good message.  But, then, out of nowhere, Artie is suddenly involved in a street race and Harry is trying to crash into his van.  And then, at the end of it, everyone finds it all to be terrifically amusing.  And somehow, Ponch and Jon manage to be at the scene of every incident involved Harry, Artie, and Artie’s friends.  Like, seriously, what are the odds?  There are other highway patrolmen in California.

Again, a strange episode.  As always, the scenery was nice.  It’s always fun to see what the world looked like in 1979.  And I appreciated that this episode made a strong case for people not taking it upon themselves to make a citizens arrest because, seriously, people who do that tend to be so obnoxious.

Anyway, I enjoyed it.  It was just weird enough to be fun.  Drive safely out there!

Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 3.22 “Viking Bikers From Hell”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, it’s Reb Brown vs Don Johnson!

Episode 3.22 “Viking Bikers From Hell”

(Dir by James Quinn, originally aired on April 3rd, 1987)

Biker Reb Gustafson (Reb Brown) has been released in prison, just in time to seek vengeance for the death of his mentor, The Wire.  The Wire was killed in a drug deal gone bad so Reb decides to just track down every dealer that The Wire did business with during the final two weeks of his life and kill every one of them.  Working with Lascoe (John Matuszak) and Toad (Sonny Landham), Reb cuts a trail of terror through Miami’s underground.  Soon, there’s only one name left on the list …. SONNY BURNETT!

At this point, of course, everyone in Miami should know that Sonny Burnett is actually Sonny Crockett.  I’ve lost track of how many time Crockett and Tubbs have gotten their undercover identities blown.  Usually, the people who figure out that Sonny and Rico are undercover end up dying almost immediately afterwards.  But a few of their enemies have survived and it’s odd that they never seem to bother to tell anyone, “Hey, those guys are actually cops.”

This episode of Miami Vice is violent that it verges on self-parody.  (I guess that’s to be expected as the script was written by the great John Milius,  Milius was credited as “Walter Kurtz.”)  Reb Brown is an amusing actor.  He never showed much emotion but he always looked believable whenever he was relentlessly tracking down someone that he wanted to kill.  Brown is both this episode’s greatest strength and its greatest weakness.  As played Brown, Reb Gustasfson barely flinches when he gets shot.  He’s a relentless killing machine, the terminator on a motorcycle.  That does certainly make him an intimidating figure.  At the same time, this episode also features Reb Brown doing his signature yelling and, for me, it was hard to watch this episode without thinking about all the close-up, high-pitched screaming that he did in Space Mutiny.

Tubbs ends up in the hospital in this one.  An attack by Reb and his biker pals leaves Tubbs with a concussion.  Crockett visits the hospital and there’s a scene where he attempts to have a conversation with a heavily drugged Tubbs.  Tubbs’s comments make about as much sense as the last words of Dutch Schultz but it’s still kind of nice to see that Crockett actually does care about his partner.  The two of them haven’t always seemed particularly happy with having to work together over the course of the third season.

Biker fans will also be happy to note that Kim Coates has a small role in this one.  Crockett and Tubbs beat him up in a biker bar while demanding information about Reb.  The odd thing here is that Crockett and Tubbs go into the biker bar and make no attempt to hide the fact that they’re actually cops.  And all of the bikers in the bar seem to already know that they’re cops.  Seriously, were Crockett and Tubbs the two worst undercover cops in history?

This was an enjoyably over-the-top episode.  It was a bit silly but, when it comes to Reb Brown, would you want it any other way?

Late Night Retro Television Review: Check It Out! 3.11 “The Naked Truth”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and Peacock!

This week, Marlene gets an opportunity!

Episode 3.11 “The Naked Truth”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on November 21st, 1987)

Women Of The World magazine wants to do a story on Marlene’s life as a cashier.  All of her coworkers try to worm their way into the interview but Marlene succeeds in kicking them all out of the breakroom.  The reporter from the magazine informs Marlene that her life story is fascinating and now they’ll just need to take some naked pictures to go along with it.

Howard is stunned when Marlene says she’s going to pose nude.  Marlene points out that Howard keeps adult magazines in his desk drawer.  Howard denies it before then opening up his desk drawer and checking them out.  Howard fears that Marlene is going to make Cobb’s look bad.  Marlene, in the end, chooses not to get the pictures done because she doesn’t want her future daughter to be ashamed of her.  Personally, I would have preferred for Marlene to have said, “It’s my decision and I’ll make sure my daughter understands that she has to do what’s right for her instead of worrying about what everyone else says,” but whatever.  It’s just a silly sitcom.

Meanwhile, Viker’s wife is pregnant!  Awwww, Viker!  Gordon Clapp got to a do and say a lot in this episode, which I enjoyed.  Viker is one of the more consistently funny characters on this show.  Gordon Clapp played Viker’s stupidity with such an earnest sincerity that you just want someone to hug the guy.

This was not a bad episode.  Gordon Clapp and Kathleen Laskey were often this show’s strongest assets and this episode featured both of them.  Laskey did a great job portraying Marlene’s dilemma while Clapp made me laugh at even the silliest of jokes.  Nope, not a bad episode at all, even if I do think Marlene should have just told everyone that it was none of their business what she chose to do.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back Kotter, 4.21 “Ooh Ooh, I Do: Part Two”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime.

Wedding bells are ringing!

Episode 4.21 “Ooh Ooh, I Do: Part Two”

(Dir by Norman Abbott, originally aired on May 25th, 1979)

Horshack’s getting married!

For some reason, the Sweathogs throw him a bachelor party in Barbarino’s trashy apartment.  Barbarino isn’t there.  I assume he’s at work or maybe he finally moved back in with his family after realizing just how ugly and depressing his apartment was.  Seriously, I will never understand why a show would try to get viewers invested in such an ugly location.

Anyway, the bachelor party is a bust.  Epstein dresses up in drag and dances for Horshack.  The Sweathogs love it.  Horshack loves it.  But then the Sweathogs make a joke about how Horshack and Mary Johnson are going to be so poor that Mary is going to have to get a job washing bricks to support them.  Horshack realizes that they’re right.  He’s getting married in high school and he has absolutely zero marketable skills.  In fact, he’s such a weirdo that most people go out of their way to avoid him.  How is he going to support Mary?

Horshask freaks out and runs away.  After Mary shows them the note that Horshack left, in which he said that he was running away to become the type of man who could support her, the Sweathogs search all over Brooklyn for him.  Epstein goes to a Marine recruiting station.  Washington and Beau …. eh, I watched this show like 20 minutes ago and I’ve already forgotten what they did.  That’s how well-written this episode was.  Mary, however, knows that Horshack’s favorite movie is Wuthering Heights so she finds him at the local move theater.

They get married!  The ceremony is small and pathetic.  I don’t think a single member of Horshack’s family showed up.  Gabe does show up and, when the Sweathogs realize that Horshack needs a ring to give Mary, Gabe gives up his own wedding ring.  Julie approves.  They’re probably going to get divorced as soon as the show ends.

Gabe, who is usually portrayed as being very concerned with the future of his students, is totally cool with Horshack getting married while still a high school student.  At no point does he suggest that Horshack might be rushing into things or that a stunted manchild who can’t get a job might not be a good husband.  This was one of Kaplan’s rare appearance during the final season of the show but he doesn’t act much like the Mr. Kotter that we got to know over the previous three seasons.  It’s kind of like when Steve Carell came back for The Office finale and only said one line.  It just doesn’t feel right.

Apparently, this episode was meant to a backdoor pilot for a series that would have focused on Horshack and Mary.  I can’t imagine that working, though I would say that Mary and Horshack do look cute together at the end of the episode.

Speaking of endings, there are only two more episodes left!  Will the Sweathogs finally graduate?  We’ll find out!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 3.7 “Hate On Your Dial”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The entire series can be found on YouTube!

This week, Johnny screws up, making the type of mistake that Ryan never would have!

Episode 3.7 “Hate On Your Dial”

(Dir by Allan Eastman, originally aired on November 6th, 1989)

This week’s cursed antique is an old car radio from 1954.  Smear it with the blood of someone who has just died and the car will transport you back to …. 1954.  That seems like an oddly specific curse and a kind of pointless one.  What if the car radio ends up in the possession of someone who doesn’t care about 1954?

(And, to make clear, Jack does specifically state that the curse involves going back to 1954.)

The car radio does end up in the possession of Ray Pierce (Michael Rhoades), a racist auto mechanic who uses the car to go back to 1954 so that he can hang out with his father in Mississippi.  His father (Martin Doyle) is a member of the Klan, along with his friend, Joe (played, in an early performance, by Henry Czerny).  The 1954 scenes are filmed in black-and-white.  When the show travels back 1954, the first thing we see is an “I Like Ike” billboard, featuring Dwight Eisenhower and a Confederate flag.  Obviously, someone in the show’s Canadian writer’s room didn’t know who supported segregation in 50s and who didn’t.  There was a political party wrapping itself in the Confederate flag in 1950s Mississippi but it wasn’t the Republicans and their candidate wasn’t Dwight Eisenhower.

This episode features Johnny making another one of his trademark mistakes, this time selling the cursed radio to Ray’s “slow” brother, Archie (played by Cronenberg regular Robert A. Silverman).  Only after Johnny sells it does he realize it was probably cursed.  Micki yells at him for not checking the manifest before selling it.  Then Jack yells at him too.  Jack remains angry with him for nearly the entire episode.  It’s understandable that Jack would be upset but then again, maybe they shouldn’t have left inexperienced Johnny alone in the shop in the first place.  Maybe they shouldn’t even be selling antiques at all.  That would definitely solve the problem.

Anyway, this episode featured some of the worst Southern accents that I’ve ever heard and it also featured a cursed objects that didn’t make much sense.  Johnny learned an important lesson about being careful about selling things and I guess that’s a good thing.  That said, Ryan never would have made that mistake!

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 1.16 “The Count”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Hulu and, for purchase, on Prime!

It’s time to go under the knife in Boston.

Episode 1.16 “The Count”

(Dir by Kevin Hooks, originally aired March 8th, 1983)

Harold Beaumont (Michael Halsey), an adult film actor better known as The Count, has checked into St. Eligius.  Of course, Dr. Samuels immediately recognizes him because Samuels is obsessed with porn.  Dr. Annie Cavanero does not recognize him but, once she learns what he does for a living, she has to tell him that she finds his work to be offensive because Dr. Cavanero’s entire personality pretty much revolves around getting offended by stuff.

It’s not much of a plot.  There’s a process server (William G. Schilling) who wants to serve the Count with a courts summons so Samuels and Cavanero help the Count hide and disguise his identity.  It’s silly and dumb story that involves the two of the least likable members of the show’s regular cast.

Meanwhile, Dr. Wendy Armstrong (Kim Miyori) comes to suspect that one of the hospital’s heart surgeons, Dr. Larry Andrews (Peter Michael Goetz), is giving pacemakers to people who don’t actually need them.  She takes her concerns to Dr. Craig.  Craig, an old friend of Dr. Andrews, is initially dismissive but he later confronts Dr. Andrews and finds out that Armstrong was correct.  Dr. Andrews explains that it takes a lot of money to fund his lifestyle.  This story was an improvement over the Count but it perhaps would have had more power if it had been someone like Dr. Ehrlich who suspected that Dr. Andrews was giving people pacemakers that they don’t need.  Ehrlich actually has a complicated relationship with Dr. Craig and his own less-than-stellar record as a resident would have added some ambiguity to storyline.  Dr. Armstrong, on the other hand, has been portrayed as being hypercompetent and a bit self-righteous and, if we’re going to be honest, she’s kind of a boring character.

Speaking of Dr. Ehrlich, he is getting fed up with living with Fiscus.  Howie Mandel is driving someone crazy?  Who could have seen that coming?

This week’s episode was pretty forgettable.  The story involving Dr. Andrews had potential but choosing to make the show’s least interesting characters the center of an entire episode was a decision that really didn’t pay off.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Highway to Heaven 3.17 “A Night To Remember”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark go back to high school, just in time for prom!  I went to four proms over the course of my high school years and I loved every one of them.  There is no greater American tradition!

Episode 3.17 “A Night To Remember”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on January 28th, 1987)

It’s time for the prom!

Danny (Mitchell Anderson) wants to ask out Melanie (Kimberly MacArthur) but can’t bring himself to do it because he’s feeling insecure about the fact that his father lost his engineering job and is now working at a gas station.  Danny makes extra money working at the local pizza joint but he loses his job when he throws a punch at bully Richard Davies (J. Eddie Peck, future star of Lambada).

Sammy (Joel Hoffman) wants to ask his lifelong friend, Kate (Susan Savage).  But Sammy feels insecure because he’s short.  When he tries to buy lifts to make himself taller, Richard calls him out right when he’s about to ask out Kate.  Sammy is an aspiring stand-up comedian and he’s on the verge of dropping out of school all together.  “I can be a comedian or a teenager but I can’t be both!”

Don’t worry, though.  Jonathan is their new social studies teacher.  And Mark is the coach of the girl’s volleyball team because every assignment is designed, in some way, to humiliate Mark.  In this case, Mark takes a volleyball to the nose and spends the entire episode worrying that it’s broken.  Mark really can’t catch a break (heh) on this show.  He has to drive everywhere.  He’s usually the one who has to do all of the hard physical work while Jonathan just appears wherever he wants.  Unfortunately, there doesn’t appear to be a union for human angel helpers but then again, it’s not like Mark ever seems to get paid for all of his hard work.

Anyway, the stakes aren’t particularly high in this episode.  Both Danny and Sammy eventually find the courage to ask their dates to the prom, though Danny doesn’t do it until he’s actually at the prom.  And both of them take some time to tell off Richard.  “Still wearing your mother’s underwear?” Sammy asks and Richard turns a dark shade of red as if Sammy has accidentally guessed his greatest secret.

I actually always like these episodes where Jonathan and Mark become teachers.  They’re not as depressing as the ones where they end up working at a shelter or a retirement home.  This episode was just about giving the students the best prom ever and that’s okay.  Not everything needs to be a huge drama!  Sometimes, you just need a night to remember.