Tag Archives: movie

Lisa Marie Experiences a Drive-In Massacre (dir. by Stu Segall)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, as part of my quest/mission/curse to watch all of the movies included in Mill Creek’s 50 Classic Chillers Box Set, I watched a film from 1974 called Drive-In Massacre.

So, what’s Drive-In Massacre about?  Well, there’s this drive-in and there’s someone wandering around with a sword which he uses to kill various filmgoers.  Now, you might think that the fact that people keep getting hacked to pieces at the drive-in would lead to the establishment either getting closed down or perhaps, at the very least, it would lead to an increased police presence.  Well, you would be wrong.  Even more people start hanging out at the drive-in and the police presence amounts to two overweight detectives who go undercover to catch the killer.  (By undercover, I mean that one of the detectives shows up in drag.) 

Since this is a pre-1980, giallo-influenced slasher film, the film is structured as a whodunit.  Instead of giving us the wisecracking killer that we usually associate with slasher films, this one presents us with a handful of weirdos and dares us to try to guess whose guilty.  Is it the bald guy who manages the drive-in and who is referred to as being “a perfect asshole?”  Or is it Orville The Pervert who spends all of his time trying to peep on young lovers and who happens to have some bloody clothes in the back of his car?  Then again, it could be Germy, the creepy janitor who is a natural suspect because 1) he’s a former sword swallower and 2) his name is Germy.  Then again, it could also be the sweaty guy who pops up out of nowhere during the film’s final 20 minutes and spends all of his time saying things like, “I’m going to cut the bad out of you.”

Of course, there’s always the possibility that the film will end with an out-of-nowhere “surprise” twist that will either piss you off or make you squeal with delight depending on how seriously you take these things.  Me, I squealed with delight.

I loved this movie and I make no apologies for it.  The plot makes absolutely no sense, the acting is really odd, and the whole film has this wonderful feel to it that leads you to suspect that someone just turned on a camera and yelled, “DO SOMETHING!”  The first kill scene is actually rather effective and there’s a few scenes of intentional humor that actually work almost well.  As well, the film did manage to capture the feel of a sleazy drive-in (perhaps because it was filmed at a sleazy drive-in).  I mean, I’ve never been to a drive-in and I probably never will since I don’t think they exist anymore but, after seeing this film, I feel like I’ve had the drive-in experience. 

However, my love of this film truly came down to two things:

1) I loved Germy!  Seriously, I’ve seen a lot of movies featuring mentally disturbed janitors and Germy belongs in the Mentally Disturbed Janitor Hall Of Fame.  Plus, his name was Germy.  That just makes me laugh so much.

2) The movie itself only lasts an hour and 13 minutes.  Now, on the one hand, that means that there’s not a lot of time for anything along the lines of coherence.  However, on the other hand, it also means that the movie never gets a chance to drag and right when you’re starting to get annoyed with it, it’s over!

As a sidenote, Arleigh might be interested to know that this film was apparently co-written by George “Buck” Flower.

 

 

Lisa Marie Recommends Cathy’s Curse (dir. by Eddy Matalon)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Like the Alpha Projectand The Demons of Ludlow, Cathy’s Curse is included in Mill Creek’s 50 Chilling Classics Box Set.  As opposed to those two previous films (both of which had occasional flashes of quality submerged in all the badness), 1978’s Cathy’s Curse is a film that is just so relentlessly bad and inept that it succeeds in transforming cinematic incompetence into an art form.  This is a film that’s so bad, you simply must see it.

Here’s the opening of the film, which will give you a pretty good clue to director Eddy Matalon’s unique cinematic vision.  Now, please note, that this is not a case of a bad upload.  This is what the film actually looks like as it plays on your television:

Anyway, once the opening credits are over with, here’s just a little of what’s waiting for you:

Years after that fateful car crash, the man’s son moves back into the old house.  Accompanying him is his mentally unstable wife (who speaks in an oddly chirpy monotone throughout the entire film, it simply has to be heard to be believed) and his precocious daughter, Cathy.  A few minutes after entering the house, Cathy finds her dead aunt’s old rag doll.  A few second later, the rag doll’s eyes suddenly start glowing and Cathy’s possessed.  Suddenly, she’s speaking in a much lower voice and cursing all the time.  Nobody seems to notice.

Nobody, that is, except for the maid.  However, the maid is easily taken care of when she happens to casually roll out of the attic window.  I had to laugh out loud at this moment because director Matalon didn’t make much of an effort to disguise the fact that the maid had been replaced by a very stiff mannequin for the shot.  I mean, its arms don’t even move as it plunges in freefall. 

Anyway, the unstable mom happens to see the mannequin fall out of the window and then catches Cathy staring down from the same window.  She confronts Cathy and Cathy, via a jump cut so abrupt that it actually makes a “gwapp” noise on the soundtrack, vanishes and then reappears directly behind her.  Naturally this leads to mom having a nervous breakdown and going back to the mental hospital.

Cathy’s father has a business meeting out of town and informs Cathy that she might have to go stay with relatives.  Cathy cries and her father decides that it would, instead, be a better idea to just leave Cathy alone in the house for a few weeks with the old, alcoholic groundskeeper.  Cathy and the groundskeeper get along pretty well until an older woman shows up and claims to be a medium.  A mysterious voice replies, “You’re a medium piece of shit!” and the medium runs off.  Meanwhile, the groundskeeper starts to have hallucinations where he’s covered with rats, snakes, and spiders and then his noisy dog dies mysteriously.

Eventually, both dad and mom return home.  Mom thinks something is wrong with Cathy.  Dad says there’s nothing wrong with Cathy.  Dad then leaves for work.  Mom takes a bath.  Suddenly, the bathwater is replaced with blood and mom is covered in leeches.  Mom screams in terror.

At this point, (an hour and 7 minutes into the action for those that want to check) there’s an abrupt jump cut to a distinguished looking man getting into a car and driving off.  This is the first time we’ve seen this man in the movie and it’s also the last time.  Seriously. 

Anyway, there’s another jump cut and Dad is relieved that mom is okay despite the fact that just a few seconds ago, she was literally covered in a thousand leeches.

Anyway, at this point, the film goes into its climax and I can’t really go into too much detail but (SPOILER ALERT) let’s just say that those of you who have spent 70 minutes going, “Why don’t they just take the doll away from her?” will end up feeling somewhat vindicated.

If you’re a lover of bad film (as opposed to just someone who watches these things and goes, “That was so dumb…”), Cathy’s Curse is a film that you must see.

Lisa Marie Is Confused By The Demons of Ludlow (dir. by Bill Rebane)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, after I finished with The Alpha Incident, I decided to watch yet another Bill Rebane film from the Mill Creek 50 Chilling Classics box set, 1983’s The Demons of Ludlow.

The Demons of Ludlow

Ludlow is a tiny New England town that is celebrating its 200th birthday.  Now, when I say tiny, I mean that there appears to be about 17 people living in the town.  Anyway, a mysterious piano is sent to the town as a birthday present and, uh-oh — guess what’s possessed with the angry spirit of a warlock who happened to be murdered by the citizens of Ludlow 200 years ago?  Anyway, this warlock has a whole lot of other angry ghosts with him and soon, they’re exacting revenge on the citizens of Ludlow. 

Okay, I think I can hear Arleigh going, “Uhmmm…Lisa Marie, remember a little film called The Fog!?” and yes, I guess the plot is a bit similar to John Carpenter’s film.  It’s also reminiscent of another 1983 horror film called The Devonsville Terror.  While The Devonsville Terror was directed by the infamous Ulli Lommel, Bill Rebane is listed as being one of the “associate producers.”  I’m sure there’s probably a story there.

But anyway, back to The Demons of Ludlow.  This is very much a horror film of the 80s, which means that it has a real nasty streak.  As opposed to The Alpha Incident, where Rebane actually did appear to have a higher purpose in mind, the Demons of Ludlow is pretty much all about killing people.  Yet, this lack of higher purpose actually makes Demons of Ludlow a far more entertaining film to watch.  It helps that none of the 17 citizens of Ludlow are actually likable enough for you to get too upset once they die. 

A shocking scene of demonic vengeance...or something.

The demons of Ludlow themselves are far more interesting, if just because they challenge logic by their very existence.  As the reviewer known as Scarina pointed out in her own excellent review, the film’s own internal logic states that the ghosts that are helping out the warlock in the piano are the exact same ghosts who ran him out of Ludlow in the first place.  So, therefore, why are they helping him? Now, if pressed, I can accept that perhaps he used his warlock powers to take control of their ghosts.  I mean, he’s had to kill 200 years doing something, right?

But what’s odd is that we’re told that Ludlow is 200 years old.  Seeing as the film came out in 1983, let’s give the movie the benefit of the doubt and say that Ludlow was founded in 1782.  Okay, that would mean that Ludlow was established during the final year of the American Revolution.  Therefore, why are half the ghosts of Ludlow dressed like pilgrims from a community theater Thanksgiving pageant?   I say half because the other half are dressed like decadent nobles from pre-Revolutionary France.  Seriously, they’ve got the powdered wigs and the fake moles and everything!  And then, to top it off, five pirate ghosts show up at the end of the movie.  I mean, my God, I would have loved to have been back in Ludlow in 1782.  Apparently, it was like the New Orleans of colonial New England.

Pilgrims of LudlowPirates of Ludlow

Marquis De Sade of Ludlow

 Still, I have to admit I enjoyed the Demons of Ludlow.  It doesn’t drag as much as The Alpha Incident and this is a film that definitely has more than enough “What the Fuck” appeal to be watchable.  There’s even one sequence — in which one unfortunate citizen ends up getting shot by a musket-holding Pilgrim who suddenly shows up in a mirror — that is actually rather effective.  This is one of those films that people like me tend to defend by citing its “dream-like” qualities.  That may be going a bit too far in this film’s case but it’s still a definite success d’estime.

Lisa Marie Considers The Alpha Incident (dir by Bill Rebane)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

It seems that every film lover owns at least one of those box sets of public domain films that Oak Creek Entertainment puts out.  You know which ones I mean — the box sets usually have about 50 to 100 movies crammed onto 12 discs and always have titles like “Astounding Adventure Classics.”  Most of the time, you’ll recognize one or two of the movies included (usually Night of the Living Dead) and you’ll end up buying it because they only cost like 6 bucks and that’s pretty good for 50 movies, even if you already know most of those movies are going to suck.  I own several of these box sets, including 50 Chilling Classics. 

I’ve recently decided to write a review for every single film that I have in my collection and I figured, what better place to start than with the often-forgotten and ignored public domain films that can be found in 50 Chilling Classics?  So, let’s get things started by reviewing a little public domain film from Wisconsin called The Alpha Incident.

Made in 1977, The Alpha Incident tells us what happens when a train, carrying a deadly virus brought back from Mars, makes a stop over at a small country train station.  It seems that Hank (played by George “Buck” Flower, who giggles a lot) had taken it upon himself to inspect that deadly cargo and has accidentally released it into the atmosphere.  The train station, and the five people trapped inside, are quarantined by the U.S. government.  Trapped in the station are the increasingly crazed Hank, the cold Dr. Sorenson (Stafford Morgan), gruff bully Jack (John F. Goff), neurotic secretary Jenny (Carol Irene Newell), and the shy station agent, Charlie (Ralph Meeker, who was the best-known actor in the cast).  The five are told to wait while American scientists try to find a cure for the virus.  Under no circumstances can they 1) leave the station and 2) fall asleep because, the minute they do, the virus will cause their brain to literally explode out of the back of their head.  For the rest of the film (which, honestly, would probably have worked better as a play), the five fight among themselves, wonder if they’re infected, and above all else, struggle to stay awake.

The Alpha Incident was directed by Bill Rebane, an independent filmmaker who is based up in Wisconsin.  Apparently, Rebane’s unique cinematic vision has won him a cult following among fans of low-budget horror and sci-fi films.  One term that I’ve often seen used to describe him is “the Ed Wood of Wisconsin.”  On the basis of the Alpha Incident, I don’t know if that’s a fair comparison.  Yes, the film does drag at time and the editing pretty much defines the term “ragged” but the movie still held my interest and not in a solely “what the fuck am I watching?” sort of way.  Yes, the performances are uneven, ranging from histrionic (George “Buck” Flower and John F. Goff) to boring (Stafford Morgan) to adequate (Ralph Meeker) to surprisingly good (Carol Irene Newell) but the characters themselves aren’t the usual stereotypes and, while the dialogue is often a bit clunky, the film’s story is an interesting one and the ending is just so wonderfully cynical and downbeat.  With it’s portrayal of common people trying to survive the mistakes of a faceless government, The Alpha Incident is so wonderfully 70s that I it made me want to go to a club, tell my companions, “I’m going to powder my nose,” and then snort someone else’s cocaine. 

Like many of the best B-movies, The Alpha Incident was made with more ambition than skill but it’s still a film that, if you truly appreciate the low-budget exploitation movies of the 70s, is more than worth seeing.

6 Trailers In Celebration

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Okay, I am like supper giddy excited and dancing-around-my-house-in-my-underwear excited right now and that’s because a story I wrote has been accepted for publication  so let me just repeat what I said when I learned the news: “Oh. My. God.  YAY!”  And then I pushed off my jeans and tossed my camisole and I started dancing around the house in my underwear and that’s where you came in and…

Well, anyway — Hi!  How ya doing?  Having a good weekend?  Ready for another edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers?  Let’s get started:

1) Explosion (1969)

This is appears to be yet another one of those “So You Say You Want A Revolution” films from the late 60s.  The 60s were a good time for freeze frames apparently.

2) The Green Slime (1968)

This is a classic example of a “Look How Excited The Narrator Is!” style of grindhouse trailer.

3) The Student Nurses (1970)

I love any trailer that claims that the movie being advertised is about “what’s happening now…”  It’s a line that just screams 1970s.  Anyway, this is The Student Nurses which was directed by Stephanie Rothman, one of the first of the true Grindhouse feminists.

4) The Student Teachers (1973)

Student Nurses was a huge success so the next few years so a whole lot of different “Student” films.  Hence, the Student Teachers.  That clown at the end of this trailer freaks me out.  By the way, Chuck Norris is apparently in this trailer.

5) The Two Faces Of Love (1972)

Of course, even as the grindhouse celebrated the strong women who became student nurses and student teachers, it was also celebrating the woman who found themselves trapped in rip-offs of Repulsion, like The Two Faces of Love.

6) Stacey (1973)

Finally, let’s close things out with Stacey.  Why?  Because she’s super, sexy, and sensational!

A Quickie Review: Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (dir. by Kevin Munroe)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Yesterday, I called into work because my asthma was acting up and, in order to pass the time, I watched Dylan Dog: Dead of Night.  To be honest, I probably should have just risked having another asthma attack and spent 108 minutes at work, answering the phone.  It would have been a more productive use of my day.

Dylan Dog is based (quite loosely) on the same Italian comic book that inspired one of the best Italian horror films of all time, Dellamorte Dellamore.  Brandon Routh gives a charisma-free performance as Dylan Dog, a New Orleans-based private investigator who is hired by a mysterious woman (Anita Briem) to investigate the circumstances of her father’s death.  It turns out her father was killed by a werewolf and fortunately, Dylan is apparently an expert on New Orleans’ supernatural underground, including the decadent vampires that are led by Taye Diggs (who, seriously, deserves better than this movie.)

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night plays less like a movie and more like a greatest hits collection of other, better movies (and tv shows).  We get werewolves and vampires going to war, we get an athletic blonde woman doing karate moves on a bunch of vampires, and we get a lot of casual decadence being committed by vampires who speak with Southern accents that just drip molasses.  Now, I love True Blood, Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of the shows that gave me the strength to survive a lot of hard times, and I’ve even got a girlcrush on Kate Beckinsale as a result of Underworld.  But I’ve also got all of those wonderful shows on DVD.  I can see them whenever I want.  I didn’t spend $5.00 to rent Dylan Dog OnDemand just so I could see Dylan become the millionth film hero to walk in slow motion while firing two guns at the same time.

By all accounts, the film’s version of Dylan Dog has very little in common with the comic book version of Dylan Dog.  It’s hard for me to say for sure because, while I’ve read and heard a lot about the Dylan Dog comic, I’ve never actually read it.  Even if I could get my hands on a copy, it wouldn’t be much help since I’m not exactly fluent in Italian.  This is what I assume to be true, strictly based on my own research:

1) The comic book Dylan Dog is a melancholy character who, despite dealing with the supernatural on a regular basis, also suffers from several irrational phobias of his own.  The movie’s Dylan Dog is a blank-faced mannequin who utters useless quips and appears, in the tradition of American movie heroes, to have no fear. 

2) The comic book Dylan Dog has an assistant who is a Groucho Marx imitator.  The American Dylan Dog has an assistant who is a zombie.  That assistant is well-played by Sam Huntington and he actually does have a few good moments but it’s still impossible to watch him and not wish he was a Groucho Marx imitator.  (In the film’s defence, it appears that the Marx estate took legal action to prevent Groucho’s likeness from being used in the film.) 

3) The comic book Dylan Dog lives in London.  The movie Dylan Dog lives in New Orleans for absolutely no reason other than these movies always seem to be based in New Orleans.  Seriously, New Orleans is one of the most overrated cities in America.

4) Finally, the comic book Dylan Dog is one of the most popular cult heroes in Europe.  The movie Dylan Dog is the subject of one of the biggest cinematic flops of 2011.

It’s really hard to know what to say about a film like Dylan Dog other than the fact that it’s really, really bad.  In fact, I’m tempted to call it the worst of 2011 so far but, after giving it a lot of thought, I decided that title still belongs to The Conspirator.  Unlike The Conspirator, Dylan Dog isn’t a pompous film, it’s just a very, very lazy one. 

I think the best thin to say in regards to Dylan Dog: Dead of Night is that it might inspire viewers to seek out and watch Dellamorte Dellamore.  Now, that’s a film.

Lisa Marie’s Guilty Pleasure: Beastly (dir. by Daniel Barnz)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Much like Take Me Home Tonight, Beastly is a film that I missed when it originally played in theaters but then later caught via On Demand.  While Jeff and I were visiting Baltimore last month, Jeff’s younger sister, Jessica, recruited me to watch Beastly with her and I was more than happy to do it.  Getting to meet and spend time with Jessica was one of my favorite things about visiting Baltimore.  Even though we’re not actually related (which is actually a pretty fortunate, all things considered), we were like sisters from the moment we met.  Perhaps that explains why we spent Beastly giggling and trying not to choke on microwave popcorn.

I really don’t want to have to talk about the plot of Beastly because it’s one of those films where the plot is somehow both painfully simple and annoyingly complicated (as opposed to complex) at the same time.  Basically, Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) is a conceited high school student who picks on a sullen witch.  This witch is played by Mary Kate Olson and, since she’s supposed to be a goth here, she dresses exclusively in black and scowls a lot but that can’t change the fact that she’s still Mary Kate Olson.  Anyway, Pettyfer is running for high school political office and gives a speech where he declares that good-looking people are better than normal-looking people.  Olson is so disgusted with this sentiment (because, apparently, Mary Kate Olson is supposed to be one of the “normal” looking people) that she casts a curse on Kyle.  Suddenly, Kyle is transformed into the “Beast,” which in this film means that he loses all of his hair, his skin gets bleached, and he gets some aesthetically pleasing tattoos on his face.  I mean, seriously, he looks better once he’s cursed.  But Kyle doesn’t see it that way and neither does Kyle’s father who quickly sends Kyle away to an isolated New York apartment.  Anyway, Kyle learns that he had can go back to being a pretty boy if he can make someone fall in love with him and kiss him.  But who could love someone with kinda pale skin?  Fortunately for Kyle, Mary Kate Olson isn’t the only girl in the movie.  Vanessa Hudgens is there too.

I can’t really argue that Beastly is a good film because it’s not.  Actually, it’s kinda, sorta, really, really … well, not good.  The film drags (which is why you have to watch this with someone talkative because otherwise, the slow spots will seem even slower), the actors either refuse to or are incapable of bringing any sort of real pathos to their roles, and the film’s lesson — don’t judge a book by its cover — is sabotaged by the fact that even the “ugly” members of the cast still look better than most people do at their absolute best.

And, in the end, if I had to explain why I enjoyed Beastly, it’s precisely because it was so bad and so silly that the film actually became enjoyable despite itself.  As we watched this film, I lost track of the number of times that either Jessica or myself said, “God, this is so stupid,” in between giggles.  (Though Jessica eventually decided to keep count but, of course, we then just started to say, “God, this is so stupid,” every chance we got just so she’d end up with the highest number possible.)  This is one of those films where everyone looks like a model, the dialogue drips with pretension and melodrama, Mary Kate Olsen plays a glowering goth, and all plot holes are immediately followed by a musical montage.  Oh, and to top it all off, Neil Patrick Harris just showed up out of nowhere, playing a blind man who likes to hit golf balls off of the top of a New York City apartment building.

In short, Beastly is a perfect film for those of us who enjoy a little guilt with our cinematic pleasure.

Film Review: Take Me Home Tonight (dir. by Michael Dowse)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

I missed the 80s retro-themed comedy Take Me Home Tonight when it was released to theater earlier this year.  It was one of those films that I meant to see but then it ended up spending such a short time in theaters that I just never got the chance.  A few days ago, via OnDemand, I finally got a chance to see Take Me Home Tonight in the comfort of my own bedroom.

Plotwise, Take Me Home Tonight feels like a cinematic Frankenstein monster, stitched together from elements from all those old school 80s comedies.  Therefore, it’s appropriate that the film itself is set in 1988.  Matt (Topher Grace) is a recent graduate from M.I.T. who is spending his post-graduate life working at Suncoast Video.  One day, while at work, he happens to run into Tori (Teresa Palmer), his high school crush.  When Tori asks Matt what he’s doing with his life post-high school, Matt quickly replies that he’s working at Goldman Sachs.  Tori then invites Matt to attend a weekend party being held by Kyle Masterson (Chris Pratt), a vaguely insane frat boy type who also happens to be the boyfriend of Matt’s twin sister, Wendy (Anna Faris).  In typical 80s comedy fashion, this leads to Matt and his friend Barry (Dan Folger) stealing a car, coming across a secret stash of cocaine, destroying a suburban neighborhood with a big metal ball, and eventually coming to several heart-warming (but not too heart-warming) conclusions about what they want out of life and what the future holds.

For a film like this to work, you have to care about the characters enough to be willing to stick with them even though they spend the majority of the film acting like complete morons.  Fortunately, the film is very well-cast with nice supporting turns from Folger, Faris, and Michael Biehn (who plays Matt’s father and who gets a great scene where he “arrests” his own son).  Folger is especially good, bringing a hilarious intensity to a familiar role.  From the minute that little baggie of cocaine first shows up on-screen, you know that Folger’s going to end up with a white powder all over his face.  What you don’t expect is just how hilarious a committed comic performer can make even the most familiar of comedic developments.  Dan Folger rubs cocaine on his teeth as if the world depended upon it. 

However, the film really belongs to Topher Grace (who not only stars in but also co-produced and co-wrote the film).  Now, I have to admit that when I was much younger, I used to love That 70s Show and I had the biggest crush on Topher Grace.  (I had an even bigger crush on Danny Masterson but that’s another story.)   As this film was apparently put together by many of the same people who were involved with That 70s Show, it’s not surprising that Take Me Home Tonight almost feels like it could be a sequel to that show.  Much as he did in That 70s Show, Grace provides the anchor here, keeping the film grounded (at times just barely) in reality.  It seems like whenever I see Topher Grace in the movies, he’s always playing some sort of psycho.  So, it was nice to see him back to doing what he does best, playing the sympathetic everyman who spends every day walking the fine line between cool and awkward. 

When Take Me Home Tonight was released in theaters earlier this year, it was greeted with mediocre reviews and poor box office.  But you know what?  It’s really not that bad of a film.  Yes, the plot is predictable and the jokes are more warmly amusing than laugh-out-loud funny.  However, this film is predictable in much the same way a funny but oft-told joke is predictable.  Take Me Home Tonight is a case where familiarity breeds not contempt but comfort.  It’s a type of comfort that’s probably better suited for being watched on a television while multi-tasking as opposed to being seen on the big screen with no other distractions.  Seriously, if Take Me Home Tonight was a weekly sitcom, it would probably end up getting nominated for all sorts of Emmys.

Poll: Which Films Are You Most Looking Forward To Seeing In September?

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

One month ago, we asked you which films you are most looking forward to seeing in August.  The results of that poll can be found here but, in short, it would appear that, for the majority of our readers, August is going to be all about The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, Conan the Barbarian, and Fright Night. 

(Though for me personally, August is all about One Day.)

So, what’s September going to be all about?  Well, why not let us know by voting in our latest poll?  As always, you can vote for up to four films and write-in votes are always allowed.  Happy voting!

(Personally, I’ll be voting for 50/50, Drive, Contagion, and A Good, Old-Fashioned Orgy.)

The Most Meh Film of 2011: Cowboys and Aliens (dir. by Jon Favreau)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

For about a year now, I’ve been seeing the trailer for Cowboys and Aliens before every single film I’ve gone to see.  And now, finally, the Jon Favreau’s latest film has been released.  I saw it on Friday afternoon with my friend Evelyn and our reaction to it can be summed up in one word:

Meh.

Seriously, this might not be the worst film of 2011 so far (not as long as Priest, The Conspirator, The Beaver, and Sanctum continue to exist in our reality) but it’s definitely one of the most meh films of all time.  Cowboys and Aliens epitomizes everything that we mean when we say “meh.”  It’s not exactly terrible but it’s not good either.  What it is, ultimately, is very forgettable. 

This is one of those films where everything just seems to be a little bit off-track.  It’s like a car that technically runs but the whole time you’re inside of it, you know that there’s a chance the engine’s going to explode and you’re going to be stranded in Oak Cliff* with a dying cell phone.  You’re just happy that it gets you to your destination so you can get out of the car, not because you actually enjoyed the trip.

If you want to get into specifics, I’d point out that:

1) Daniel Craig isn’t all that believable as a notorious gunslinger.

2) Harrison Ford looks annoyed to be there.

3) The cast is full of excellent character actors — like Sam Rockwell — who essentially get to do nothing.

4) The aliens basically look like leftovers from Skyline andBattle L.A. 

5) The action sequences are pretty boring (there’s not one moment that makes you gasp and go, “Wow!”) and are so badly edited that it’s difficult to keep track of who is shooting at who. 

6) For the first quarter of the film, we’re watching a bad western and then, suddenly, we’re watching a boring, uninspired science fiction action film. 

7) A major plot point essentially centers on Daniel Craig (with the aid of some helpful Indians, of course) going on a “spirit quest.”  Seriously, filmmakers today use spirit quests and sweat lodges in much the same way that filmmakers of the 60s used garish acid trips.  It’s all an excuse for a bunch of zoom lenses and bright color filters.

8 ) Finally, and this is most fatal of the film’s flaws, it just takes all of this so seriously.  There’s not even a scene of a brave gunslinger shouting, “Draw, you four-armed bastard!” at an alien.  Seriously, this should have been a fun film.  Instead, it’s just another overproduced, forgettable establishment film.

Jon Favreau is a likable enough actor (even if he does seem to be fated to spend his career competing for roles with Kevin James) and he’s made some likable films (Elf, Iron Man, Zathura)  but Cowboys and Aliens could have been made by just about anyone.  It’s a film that feels like it was put together on an assembly line.  Originally, me and Evelyn swore that, if Cowboys and Aliens sucked, we were going to react by running down to the front of the theater and entertaining everyone by doing the Timewarp.  However, by the time it became apparent just how meh this film was, neither one of us really felt like creating a little sexy civil disobedience.  Quite frankly, we just wanted it to end so we could move on to the next film.

—————

*Oak Cliff, for all you Yankees out there, is a neighborhood of Dallas.  I used to live there but I was only a few months old at the time and I still wouldn’t want to end up stranded out there.