Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Freddie wants to get married and Epstein loses his confidence.

Episode 1.7 “Classroom Marriage”

(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 21st, 1975)

In their cluttered little apartment, Julie is shocked to discover that Gabe is not only awake at midnight but that he’s also sitting out on the fire escape with a basketball.  Gabe explains that he’s depressed.  He knows that there’s something going on with the Sweathogs but none of them trust him enough to come to him.  In a perfect example of “Be careful what you wish for,” the phone rings.

Julie answers the phone and tells Gabe, “It’s Boom Boom.”

“Boom Boom who?” Gabe replies.

Of course, it’s Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington.  Freddie says that he and his girlfriend need Gabe’s advice and that they’re on their way over.  No sooner has the call ended then someone knocks on the door.  Julie answers it and Vinnie, wearing a trench coat, rushes into the apartment.

After explaining that he can’t afford to be seen talking to a teacher, Vinnie explains that Freddie is planning on getting married.  Suddenly, someone else knocks on the door.  Vinnie hides in the bathroom.

Rosalie Tosty (Debralee Scott) enters the apartment, wearing a trench coat because she doesn’t want anyone to see her talking to a teacher.  She explains that Freddie is getting married.  Someone knocks on the door.  Rosalie says she’ll hide in the bathroom.

“Vinnie’s in there!” Julie says.

Rosalie smiles and says that’s fine before joining him.

Kotter opens the door and Epstein, wearing a trench coat and a fake mouth on the back of his head, enters the apartment.  Epstein says that Freddie is getting married and Vinnie is driving everyone crazy with his attempts to talk Freddie out of it.  Someone knocks on the door.  Epstein hides in a closet.

Again, Kotter opens the door.  Horseshack enters, wearing a gorilla mask.  He explains that he’s fine with Freddie getting married because he thinks it’s very romantic.  Someone knocks on the door.  Horseshack ducks out the window and hides on the fire escape.

Once again, the door is opened.  Freddie enters, accompanied by his girlfriend Vernajean (Vernee Watson).  Freddie explains that they’re getting married because Vernajean’s father is moving to Staten Island and Freddie can’t stand the thought of her living in a different borough.  Gabe attempts to talk them out of getting married by talking about how difficult it would be for them to even find someone in New York City to marry them.  “I mean,” Gabe says, “you could lie about your age and go to Maryland but….”

Freddie smiles.  “We could lie about our age and go to Maryland!”  Freddie thanks Gabe for the advice and then leaves.

This whole sequence is an example of the first season of Welcome Back, Kotter at its best.  Yes, it’s very busy and frantic but the entire cast shows off perfect comedic timing, from John Travolta and Debralee Scott to Robert Hegyes and Ron Palillo.  Robert Hegyes is especially funny as he captures Epstein’s mix of earnest eccentricity.  And, to top it all off, the expression of Gabe’s face when he realizes that he’s accidentally convinced Freddie to get married is simply priceless.

Fear not.  The next day in class, Gabe has Freddie and Vernajean do an exercise where they pretend to be married.  They’re able to handle having Horseshack as their son but the pretend marriage pretty much falls apart as soon as Gabe shows up and demands that they pay him the rent.  In the end, Freddie admits that he only asked Vernajean to marry him because he was afraid that she would forget about him after she moved to Staten Island.  Vernajean assures him that could never happen.  Awwwwww!

This was a sweet and funny episode.  When Gabe ended the episode with a corny joke about his astronaut uncle, Buzz Kotter, you couldn’t help but feel that Gabe had earned the right to make his little joke.  He did a good job.

Episode 1.8 “One Of Our Sweathogs Is Missing”

(Dir by Bob LoHendro, originally aired on October 28th, 1975)

Gabe tells Julie a rather macabre joke about his uncle who is marrying his fourth wife.  Julie asks about the other three wives.  Gabe explains that the first and second wives died from eating poisoned mushrooms and the third died from a fractured skull “because she wouldn’t eat the poisoned mushrooms.”  Yikes!  It’s hard not to feel that Gabe was warning Julie about rolling her eyes at any more of his jokes.

Meanwhile, at the school, the Sweathogs are excited when Todd Ludlow (Dennis Bowen) challenges Epstein to a fight.  However, they are shocked when Epstein — voted most likely to take a life — is easily beaten by Ludlow.  After Vinnie, Freddie, and Horseshack have a good laugh over Epstein and his black eye, Epstein runs off and disappears for three days.

Feeling guilty, Barbarino sets up Epstein Central in the classroom:

Mr. Woodman comes by, searching for his red phone.  When the phone rings, Woodman insists on answer it himself.

It turns out that Julie is calling for Gabe, in order to tell him that Epstein has shown up at their apartment and locked himself in the bathroom.  While Gabe heads home, Julie asks Epstein if he wants anything to drink.  Epstein replies that he’s not worthy of anything good to drink but he would happily accept a flat and warm beverage.

Fortunately, Gabe shows up.  Epstein agrees to come out of the bathroom as long as Gabe promises not to look at him.  While Gabe stares at the lamp, Epstein explains that he only came by the apartment to say goodbye.  He feels that his fearsome reputation was the only thing that Epstein had going for him.  (Awwwww!  Poor Epstein!)  Gabe finally looks away from the lamp and tells Epstein that he’s a smart and energetic young man with a lot of potential.  Seriously, this scene was so achingly sincere and well-acted by Gabe Kaplan and Robert Hegyes that it was impossible not to be touched by it.

Anyway, it all works out in the end.  The other Sweathogs show up on Gabe’s fire escape and they declare their friendship for Epstein.  Epstein agrees not to run away.  He calls home and tells his mother that he’s okay.  His mother tells him to have dinner with the Kotters because his family has already eaten that day.  The audience laughs but that’s actually one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard.

With everything resolved, Gabe tells Julie a story about his Uncle Bernie, who never took a bath.

Like the one that preceded it, this was a funny and surprisingly sweet episode.  Welcome Back, Kotter is turning out to be a lot better than I was expecting.