Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Back to School Mom.
Why Was I Watching It?
Well, first off, it was the latest Lifetime film and I’m making it a point to see all of 2015’s Lifetime films. However, I also watched it because the title — Back to School Mom — made the film sound like it would be something that would totally bring out my snarky side.
(Amazingly enough, it turned out I was wrong…)
What Was It About?
This is the type of movie that, had it been made in the 1950s, probably would have starred Lana Turner and Tab Hunter. Mary Thomas (Kimberly Elise) is a singer who has performed all over the world but she’s haunted by the fact that, 21 years ago, she dropped out of college and abandoned her newborn son. When Mary returns to school to finish up her degree, she is shocked to discover that her tutor, aspiring lawyer Noah (Denzel Whitaker), is also her son. Without revealing the truth about how they’re related, Mary befriends Noah and is soon encouraging him to defy his father (Harry Lennix) and pursue a career in music.
What Worked?
To be honest, I was surprised by how well this movie worked. Snarkable name aside, Back To School Mom turned out to be a very nice and very sweet movie. Kimberly Elise was very sympathetic in the lead role and she had a lot of chemistry with the entire cast. Denzel Whitaker’s multi-layered performance shows that he deserves to be a huge star.
What Did Not Work?
They probably could have come up with a better title but otherwise, the entire film worked.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
None, but that’s okay. Not every movie has to be about me.
Earlier tonight, I watched the latest Lifetime original film, Megachurch Murder!
Why Was I Watching It?
First off, it was on Lifetime. And secondly, I had read that the film was supposedly based on Hamlet!
What Was It About?
Something’s rotten in the state of Denmark … Denmark, Georgia that is. Shortly after resisting the efforts of Michael Beach to expand his church, Pastor Malcolm Jamal-Warner dies under mysterious circumstances. Soon, Beach is having an affair with the pastor’s widow (Tamala Jones) and the pastor’s daughter (Shanica Knowles) is convinced that there’s been a murder. Complicating things: Knowles is dating Beach’s son, Romeo Miller.
What Worked?
To be honest, the best thing about Megachurch Murder were the tweets. This is one of those films that seemed to bring out the best of twitter.
I appreciated that the film pretended to be based on Hamlet, even though the story itself had next to nothing in common with Shakespeare’s play. That said, two youth group leaders did show up as the Megachurch Murder equivalents of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Most of the actors seemed to just be going through the motions but Michael Beach did a good job in the role of Clay King. He made for a great villain.
What Did Not Work?
All through the movie, whenever Hannah had to get away from it all, she always went to the exact same bridge. At first, it was funny that she was always standing on that bridge. But, after the 20th scene on that bridge, I started to wonder why nobody else in the town of Denmark ever seemed to use the bridge. Finally, by the time that Clay was demanding to know where Hannah was, I found myself shouting at the TV, “She’s on the bridge! She’s always on the damn bridge!”
Plus, Romeo Miller … actually, to be honest, I think Romeo Miller could give a good performance if cast in the right role. But, in this film, I kept expecting him to start talking about ICDC college. Whenever he was comforting Hannah, I kept waiting for him to say, “You can major in criminal justice or homeland security…”
Finally, I was surprised to discover that, at the end of the film, people were still attending the church. After three violent deaths, I’d probably change parishes.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
To be honest, and no one is more shocked by this than me, this is probably the first Lifetime film that I’ve ever watched that featured absolutely no moments that made me go, “Oh my God! Just like me!” I guess it’s because I was raised Catholic and didn’t have to deal with any murders while I was growing up.
It is true that, much like Hannah, I did go through my rebellious phase and I would snap at any adult who tried to speak to me. However, Hannah had an excuse. She was dealing with her father’s murder whereas, in my case, I was just a brat. So, it really doesn’t count as a “OMG! Just like me!” moment.
On Saturday night, I watched the latest Lifetime original movie, Beautiful & Twisted!
Why Was I Watching It?
Ever since I first saw the commercial during Whitney, I have been looking forward to seeing Beautiful & Twisted. Not only was it true crime (which is one of my favorite Lifetime movie genres) but it also featured Rob Lowe. Rob has appeared in a few Lifetime films and they always seem to bring out his best.
What Was It About?
The film is narrated by Ben Novack (Rob Lowe), who starts things off by telling us that he’s dead. We see how Ben, the eccentric son of a millionaire hotelier, first met and subsequently married a stripper named Narcy (Paz Vega). Ben likes collecting Batman memorabilia. Narcy likes money. They both like kinky sex.
However, Ben is often unfaithful to Narcy and finds himself on the receiving end of her often violent tempter. When Narcy finds out that Ben is planning on leaving his fortune to his mother (Candice Bergen), Narcy has her murdered. And when she worries that Ben might like her daughter (played by Seychelle Gabriel) more than her, Narcy has Ben brutally murdered. Not only does she get her brother to beat him to death but she also demands that his eyes be gouged out of his head.
AGCK!
Amazingly enough, this is all based on a true story.
What Worked?
This is one of the best Lifetime films that I’ve seen in a while! It was stylish, it was melodramatic, it was occasionally funny, and it was over-the-top in the best way possible. The settings were opulent, the clothes were to die for, and the pace was relentless. Even the music was great! Seriously, if you’re going to make a movie about kinky sex and murder among the wealthy, you should at least have fun with it. And, despite all of the grisly murders, Beautiful & Twisted was definitely fun.
Rob Lowe was sympathetically weird as Ben while, in the role of Narcy, Paz Vega gave a performance worthy of an old school femme fatale.
All in all, Beautiful & Twisted is exactly the type of movie that we Lifetime viewers have been hoping for.
What Did Not Work?
It all worked. This one of the best Lifetime movies ever!
“Oh my God! Just like me” Moments
Well, I have to admit that I’ve never had anyone killed and I doubt that I ever will. I’m just not the murderous type, regardless of what you may have heard. However, much like Narcy, I’m not above using my cleavage to get what I want.
Lessons Learned
If there’s any lesson to be learned from watching any of these Lifetime true crime films, it’s that you shouldn’t murder anyone because, regardless of how cute or clever you may be, you will eventually end up getting caught. And then someone will make a movie about you and you’ll end up with a bunch of snarky people on twitter talking about how crazy you are. It’s better to just get a divorce.
Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime biopic, Whitney.
Why Was I Watching It?
A movie about Whitney Cummings!? How could I not watch…
Okay, okay — I knew, before I started watching, that it was a movie about Whitney Houston. But I have to admit that my motives for watching were not exactly pure. You see, after watching the Saved By The Bell movie, the Aaliyah movie, and the Brittany Murphy movie, I had every reason to believe that Whitney would be another unfortunate Lifetime biopic. I was watching expecting the film to be a snarkfest, the type of thing that I could write a really sassy review about.
But — no. Actually, it turned out to be pretty good.
What Was It About?
Whitney Houston (Yaya DaCosta) meets, falls in love with, and marries Bobby Brown (Arlen Escarpeta). Many drugs are done and many songs are sung.
What Worked?
Whitney was probably a hundred times better than anyone was expecting. Angela Bassett kept the story moving, Yaya DaCosta and Arlen Escarpeta both gave good performances as Whitney and Bobby respectively, and Deborah Cox — who provided Whitney’s singing voice — sounded great. The final scene of Whitney singing while Bobby watched was surprisingly moving.
One thing that I did like was that Whitney did not indulge in any sort of tawdry or melodramatic speculation about Whitney’s death. Even the film’s postscript stated that, even after her death, Whitney Houston continues to inspire new artists but it didn’t go into the details of her final days. And why should it? This film was about talent, music, and love. It wasn’t about tabloid rumors.
What Did Not Work?
I’m sure some people were probably frustrated by the fact that Whitney did turn out to be a good, competently directed and acted film. All the people who were watching specifically because they wanted to see an Aaliyah-style fiasco (and there were quite a few of them) were undoubtedly left disappointed.
And, of course, I’m sure some people really were hoping for a Whitney Cummings biopic…
On a more serious note, I did bother me a little that, though the movie was called Whitney, it actually seemed to be more about Bobby Brown than her. Considering that the film basically presented Bobby as being a drug-free saint before he met Whitney and that it was followed by an hour-long interview with Bobby Brown, it was hard not to feel that Lifetime was basically presenting only one side of the story.
(Then again, Whitney Houston’s family refused to have anything to do with the movie so it’s possible nobody was around to present the other side.)
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
Well, unless I’m drunk and there’s a karaoke machine nearby, I can’t sing to save my life so I can’t really claim to be able to relate to Whitney’s talent. However, I do have a weakness for guys who share my taste in movies. For Whitney, it was Sparkle. For me, it’s Suspiria. So, I was able to watch that part of the movie and go, “Oh my God! Just like me!”
Lessons Learned
Despite snarky rumors to the contrary, Lifetime can make good biopics. (Of course, you and I already knew that, right?)
On Saturday night, I watched the latest Lifetime film, Sugar Daddies!
Why Was I Watching It?
Because it was on Lifetime and it didn’t have a thing to do with football.
What Was It About?
College is expensive and law school even more so. Can you blame Kara (Taylor Gildersleeve) for agreeing to become the mistress of the wealthy and considerably older Grant (Peter Strauss)? Grant pays Kara $5,000 dollars a month, gives her a new car, and flies her around in a private jet. All Kara has to do is be available whenever he demands her presence.
Except, of course, this is a Lifetime movie and nothing is ever that simple…
What Worked?
To be honest, Sugar Daddies is just a fun film. Yes, it is dealing with a serious subject and, ultimately, it does come down on the side of being poor but honest. But, before that, you get to look at all the nice clothes and all the well-decorated mansions and you get to enjoy all of the decadence that comes from being a rich man’s mistress. Sugar Daddies may be a cautionary tale but it definitely knows how to enjoy itself.
This movie was directed by Doug Campbell, who has previously directed such Lifetime classics as Death Clique, The Cheating Pact, and Betrayed at 17.As a director, Doug Campbell obviously knows how to make the perfect Lifetime film and how to strike just the right balance of melodrama and social commentary. He knows exactly how far he can push things without going over-the-top and that skill is on full display in Sugar Daddies.
Plus, the film is really well cast. Taylor Gildersleeve is a sympathetic and relatable as Kara. Peter Strauss seems to be having a lot of fun playing his sleazy role. Timothy Brennan is perfectly intimidating in the role of Peter, Grant’s bodyguard who is willing to do anything to protect his boss. Ashley McCarthy and Samantha Robinson are also well-cast as Kara’s friends.
What Did Not Work?
Are you kidding? This was Lifetime at its finest! It all worked.
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
I know this where you’re probably expecting me to talk about how I used to have an old, rich boyfriend who helped to pay my way through college but instead, I’d rather point out that Kara and I both own the exact same white dress with black trim! I was beyond excited when I saw that and plus, it really made me root for Kara because she was someone who I could go shopping with.
Lessons Learned
Private jets are the bomb and we could all use an extra $5,000 dollars a month but sometimes, it’s better to just stick with that demeaning waitressing job.
And, if you do get an old, rich boyfriend, don’t let him talk you into playing the choking game.
So, I’m sitting here and I’m trying to make out my annual list of good things that I saw on TV over the previous year and I’ve just realized something.
I did not watch as much TV as usual last year.
It wasn’t a conscious decision on my part. Up until this very moment, I was actually thinking that I watched too much TV last year. But, honestly, 2014 was a busy year for me. Between work and dance and family and romance and writing and seeing movies and shopping and being sick and getting well and the manic states and the depressive states, I just didn’t have as much time as usual to devote to television.
In fact, the only shows that I always made it a point to watch were two reality shows and that was mostly because I write about them over at the Big Brother Blog and the Survivor Blog.
That takes me by surprise because I love television. I’ve never made any secret of that fact and I’ve never felt guilty about it. When I’m writing, I find it helps to have the TV on in the background. As well, knowing that a certain show is always going to be on at a certain time tends to help me deal with my Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. I’ve always felt that, in a perfect world, I would have my own TV network. It would be called the Lisa Marie Network (LMN) and I would be in charge of programming every single minute.
But, for whatever reason, in 2014, I didn’t watch as much as usual. So, don’t consider the list below to be a comprehensive list of everything that was good on television last year. Instead, consider it to just be 20 good things that I was lucky enough to see.
So, here’s the list!
1) Too Many Cooks on Adult Swim
You knew that I’d have to start out with this one, especially considering that I still find myself randomly singing the theme song. “When it comes to the future, you can never have too many cooks!”
2) Figure Skating at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics
I actually enjoyed watching most of the 2014 Winter Olympics. (Except, of course, when Bob Costas was there with his fucked up eye.) But what I especially loved was watching the figure skating. How couldn’t you love the chemistry between Charlie White and Meryl Davis or the amazing grace of Yulia Lipnitskaya or Ashley Wagner’s refusal to hide her disgust with the judges?
3) Veep
Without a doubt, the funniest show on television. Anyone who idolizes a politician should be forced to watch it.
4) Community ended its network run on a decent note
After a rough fourth season, Community made a comeback of sort during the fifth season. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to keep NBC from canceling the show but still, it was good to see a few more decent episodes of Community before the show moved over to Yahoo.
5) True Detective
True Detective has been praised so much that I really don’t have much more to say about it, beyond the fact that I found it to be endlessly fascinating.
6) Sharknado 2!
So, I wasn’t necessarily a huge fan of the first Sharknado. (I was even less of a fan of the way the media seemed to believe that Mia Farrow was the first person to ever live tweet a movie, especially considering how lame most of Mia’s Sharknado tweets were.) But I loved Sharknado 2! Sharknado 2 was everything that the first Sharknado was supposed to be and more!
7) The Old People TV Networks
This is the year that I really made an effort to explore all of the channels that I have available to me. What I discovered is that there are a lot of stations that are apparently dedicated to exclusively showing shows that were made long before I was even born! For a history nerd like me, coming across these networks is a bit like accidentally digging up a time capsule. Add to that, I’ve discovered that old TV shows make for perfect background noise. I call these networks the Old People TV networks but I do so with affection.
8) Seeing my friend and fellow movie blogging Irish gal Kellee Pratt in the audience whenever TCM rebroadcasts that interview with Maureen O’Hara.
9) Opposite Worlds on SyFy
Opposite Worlds was a reality show that was broadcast on the SyFy Network. Contestants were divided into two tribes. One tribe lived in the luxurious future, complete with a fully automated house. The other tribe lived in the past, which basically meant wearing furs and staying in a cave. The two tribes competed every week. Many contestants were seriously injured. I was hoping that Samm would win, mostly because I share her struggle. But I was okay with Frank eventually winning. He turned out to be a nice guy.
(By the way, SyFy, I’m still waiting for a second season…)
10) Bates Motel
Bates Motel got better and better during its second season. I still think Olivia Cooke needs a spin-off where she solves crimes.
11) True Blood ended before it totally went the way of Dexter.
To be honest, True Blood was definitely showing signs of its age. I wasn’t really happy with the final season but I was relieved to see that it still ended on a better note than Dexter did.
12) Flowers in the Attic
2014 got off to a great start with Flowers in the Attic, one of the best movies to ever show up on Lifetime.
13) Lizzie Borden Took An Axe
In fact, the only that kept Flowers in the Attic from being the best Lifetime movie was the fact that Lizzie Borden premiered a week later.
14) The Way The Saved By The Bell and Aaliyah Movies Brought Us Together As A Nation
For two nights, our often troubled country was united by the power of mass snarkiness.
15) Coverage Of The Fact That Paul Rosalie Was Not Eaten Alive
There was something greatly satisfying about how, after spending weeks promising that he would be, Paul Rosalie failed to be eaten alive by an anaconda. I think one reason I especially enjoyed this fact that I didn’t actually watch the special. I thought the whole thing sounded stupid and crass. That made the subsequent ridicule all the more satisfying.
16) Key and Peele
Without a doubt, the funniest sketch comedy program on TV today.
17) Talking Dead
To be honest, the only reason I watch The Walking Dead is so I’ll be able to understand what they’re talking about on The Talking Dead.
18) Daft Punk At The Grammys
It was great to see the Robots enjoying themselves.
19) Weather On The Local News
“Folks, we’ve got a storm system approaching but don’t worry. Channel 4 will keep your 4warned…” Some things never change. I’ve reached the point where I can find the humor in watching our local meteorologists panic every time that it starts to rain. This past year, whenever I was stuck inside while a light drizzle fell outside, I knew that Pete Delkus, Larry Mowery, and David Finfrock would be there to amuse me with their dire warnings of a weather apocalypse.
“A storm’s coming!”
20) Degrassi!
Degrassi endures. And we’re all the better for it.
On one final note: GetGlue, R.I.P. For five years, I enjoyed checking into tvs, movies, books, and emotions on GetGlue. Sadly, GetGlue (or TV Tag as it came to be known) went offline on January 1st. Goodbye, GetGlue. It was fun while it lasted and I’ll always remember that week when me and that guy from Indonesia were violently fighting over who would get to be the guru of pepper spray. (GGers will understand.)
Tomorrow, my look back at 2014 continues with my ten favorite novels of the year!
Last night, I watched the first Lifetime movie of 2015 — Damaged!
Chris Klein in Damaged
Why Was I Watching It?
You guys know me and how much I love Lifetime movies! Damaged was the first Lifetime movie of 2015 so it’s less a question of why was I watching it and more a question of how could I not watch it.
What Was It About?
Damaged is yet another Canadian thriller that has found a home on Lifetime. Sam Luck (Chris Klien) is the big, affable, and quite frankly dumb teacher who has a nice house in the suburbs with a dog and a wife (Tasya Teles). He also is co-owner of a diner because … well, why not? (I got the feeling that the filmmakers just happened to have a diner set available.)
Anyway, Sam’s luck changes when the new teenage neighbor moves in. Her name is Taran (Merritt Patterson) and, along with frequently flirting with Sam (who also happens to be one of her teachers), she also constantly has flashbacks where she’s either watching her mother have sex with an unseen boyfriend or standing in a cemetery while it rains.
As Sam grows closer to Taran, strange things start to happen. His car is stolen but fortunately, Taran offers to allow him to drive her never-seen father’s car. His dog disappears. He’s informed that a student has accused him of sexual harassment. His partner in the diner accuses him of embezzling money. With all this happening, who else can Sam turn to for comfort other than his wife the teenage neighbor girl next door?
What Worked?
Damaged was an example of my favorite type of Lifetime movie: A complacent couple in the suburbs has their life destroyed by a malevolent outside force. There’s something always fun about watching these smug suburbanites discovering just how easily their domestic bliss can be destroyed.
Merritt Patterson did a pretty good job in the role of Taran. At the very least, she seemed to be having more fun than anyone else in the cast.
Finally, Damaged deserves some credit for not shying away from giving us a properly dark ending. If this was an old grindhouse film, Damaged would be advertised as being a movie that “goes all the way.”
What Did Not Work?
So, here’s the thing. If you, as a filmmaker, want us to sympathize with your lead character or, at the very least, hope that he doesn’t end up getting totally destroyed, it might help to not make the character a total moron. As I watched the film, it was hard for me not to think about all the things that Sam could have done that would have prevented him from getting into this situation.
Here’s just a few examples:
1) When you’re a teacher and one of your students offers to give you her daddy’s car, don’t accept the car. Why? Because you’re a teacher and she’s a student in your class! Yes, I understand that it was a really nice car but again: Student. Teacher.
2) When you’re a teacher and you’re feeling depressed because someone has suggested that you’ve been sexually harassing your teenage students, don’t pour your heart out to the teenage girl who lives next door.
3) When you’re a teacher and one of your students offers you an expensive watch, don’t accept it!
4) When you’re a teacher and one of your students says she wants to go out and have fun with you, don’t go!
Seriously, it seems like most of Sam’s problems could have been avoided if he had bothered to read the Rules For Teacher/Student Interaction booklet that I’m sure he was given when he was first hired. As such, it was hard to have much sympathy for Sam. (Or his wife for that matter because, as badly as things turned out for her, she is the one who married the idiot in the first place.)
However, just to make clear: part of the fun of a movie like this is shaking your head at the stupid things some of the characters do. And overall, Sam’s stupidity just made the film more fun. So, I guess it’s debatable whether this is something that did not work. (Though it certainly didn’t work that well for Sam, personally…)
“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments
At first, when I thought Taran just had an obsessive crush on Sam, I related to her because it reminded me of when I was in high school and I had a crush on Mark, who was engaged to our speech and debate coach. One weekend, Mark accompanied us all on a road trip to a speech tournament in San Antonio. One night, at the motel, I slipped on this pink Victoria’s Secret nightie that I had specifically bought for the trip and then I sneaked out of my room and pulled down on the fire alarm so that I could specifically meet Mark when he came running out of his room in his boxers and I could pretend to be all panicky (and in need of comforting) about the fire. Ah, memories.
But anyway, as the movie progressed, I realized that I actually had less in common with Taran. For instance, I’ve never tried to kill anyone.
Lessons Learned
The main lesson I learned was one that I already know. If the police ever catch you doing something wrong, be sure to cry. I already knew that crying was a good way to get out of speeding tickets but, according to the final scene of Damaged, it can get you out of a lot worse as well.
As for any teachers who may have been watching, I think the main lesson would be to read your code of conduct.
This is the time of year that the Shattered Lens usually takes one final look back at the best and worst of the previous year’s offerings in cinema, television, literature, and music! Last year, I kicked things off by taking a look at the best that the SyFy network had to offer.
Unfortunately, SyFy didn’t produce as many original films in 2014 as they did in 2013.
However, my beloved Lifetime network remained a consistent showcase for some of the best and worst melodrama that one could hope for.
With that in mind, here are my nominees for the best films and performances that were featured on either the SyFy or the Lifetime network last year! As always, winners are listed in bold.
Well, of course, Grumpy Cat would have hated Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. That was kind of the point of the whole damn movie. The reason why Grumpy Cat has become such a popular meme is because her permanently sour face confirms what many of us suspect but often try to deny — i.e., that our cats are, for the most part, disgusted with us. However — and this is why people like me cherish our cats — they all have one or two people who they love enough to set aside their natural disgust and allow to be a part of their life.
Cats aren’t like dogs. A dog will love anyone. A cat picks someone to love and then they do it despite all of their better instincts. And because of that, cats will occasionally do stuff that they normally should hate.
Like starring in a holiday-themed film, for instance.
Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever, which premiered on Lifetime last night and was watched by me and a thousand other cat lovers on twitter, works because it not only realizes that it should not exist but it also has no problem admitting that it should not exist. In Entertainment Weekly, Grumpy Cat’s sarcastic narration and continual breaking of the fourth wall is described as being “oddly meta.”
Personally, I call it being clever, cute, and funny.
But, let’s be honest. The majority of critics were never going to give a fair review to a film called Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. (A fair review, by the way, would have been: “The story’s dumb, the film looks cheap, but the cat is cute and, seeing as that’s the only reason anyone’s watching, that’s all that matters.”) Most critics probably had their review already written in their head before they even saw the movie. Complain about the commercialization of Christmas. Whine about how an internet meme now has her own movie while your coming-of-age screenplay remains unproduced. Make a few snarky comments about Lifetime, in general. Admit that Aubrey Plaza totally kicks ass as the voice of Grumpy Cat (because she so totally does). End it by sadly predicting that Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever will lead to a sequel.
Bleh. Forget the other critics. Speaking as the only critics who really matters, here’s what I think you need to know about Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever:
If you own and like cats, you’ll find a lot to enjoy about Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. Yes, the story is dumb. Yes, the movie was obviously cheaply made and, in case there was any doubt, Grumpy Cat herself pops up to point out how cheap the movie was. But Aubrey Plaza was born to be the voice of Grumpy Cat. And Grumpy Cat herself is adorable in her grumpy way! Along the way, we get to see Grumpy Cat drive a car and shoot a paintgun. We also get to meet Grumpy Cat’s British equivalent.
You have to be careful about admitting that you think Stephen King is overrated.
For a year and a half, I’ve been meaning to write a post entitled “10 Reasons Why Stephen King Sucks” but I haven’t. Some of that is because I don’t necessarily think that he does suck. I think he’s a good writer but I also think that he’s overrated and that his novel about the Kennedy assassination got so many details about Texas wrong that I don’t even know where to begin. (However, following the rules of clickbait, “sucks” works better than “overrated.”) Mostly, though, it’s just because Stephen King fans tend to be a bit cult-like. Criticizing King is like saying you don’t care about Beyonce’s marriage or admitting that you find President Obama to be a dull speaker or telling Vermont to go fuck itself or listing 10 Reasons Why You Hated Avatar. You shouldn’t do it unless you want to run the risk of dealing with a lot of angry and irrational true believers.
That said, it’s always a little bit safer to criticize the movies that have been made from Stephen King’s books and short stories. Even King’s most slavish followers will admit that Stephen King films tend to be uneven as far as quality is concerned. Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining is one of the best horror films of all time but it’s interesting to note that Stephen King himself rarely has a good word to say about Kubrick’s adaptation of his novel. For reasons that I’ve never quite understood, a lot of people love The Shawshank Redemption. Then there are the adaptations that nobody likes, like Bag of Bones and Dreamcatcher.
And then there’s Big Driver, an adaptation of a Stephen King novella that aired on Lifetime last night. For the past two months, Lifetime has been advertising this film with short but effective commercials that featured a bloodied Maria Bello running down a dark road while a gigantic truck ominously followed behind her. I saw the commercials and, seeing as how Maria Bello is a favorite actress of mine and how much I love Lifetime movies in general, I was excited to see Big Driver. Then, I saw another commercial in which Stephen King was quoted as saying, “This is the film that Stephen King fans have been waiting for,” and I have to admit that it left me a little bit less enthused because, quite frankly, I’ve always been under the impression that Stephen King will endorse anything as long as he gets paid and his ass gets kissed. (Someday, we’ll have to do a survey to discover just how many crappy books come with a Stephen King pull quote on the cover describing the book’s author as being “the future of horror!”) And I have to admit that I resented the fact that Lifetime seemed to be assuming that I would ever allow Stephen King to tell me what was good and what was bad. I can decide that for myself without having someone else tell me what I’ve been “waiting for.”
(I have issues with authority. Can you tell?)
Big Driver, incidentally, is Stephen King’s take onI Spit On Your Grave. Mystery writer Tess Thorne (Maria Bello) is raped and left for dead by a serial killer who is known as Big Driver (Will Harris). Feeling that the police would simply say that she was “asking for it”, Tess does not report the attack but instead uses the same techniques that she writes about in her books to track down both Big Driver and his mother (Ann Dowd) and sets out to get both revenge for herself and justice for all of Big Driver’s other victims. (Those detective techniques, by the way, largely seem to consist of knowing how to use Google.) Along the way, Tess hallucinates conversations with both her car’s GPS and with one of the fictional detectives from her books (played by Olympia Dukakis).
When I watched Big Driver last night, I actually had to stop watching after an hour. The film was just too intense and disturbing for me to handle in one sitting. The scene where Tess was raped was too painful to watch and Maria Bello’s performance was so raw and real that I had to change the channel. It wasn’t the film’s fault. It’s just that I wasn’t in the right emotional state to watch the movie. It was a lot more intense than anything that I would have ever expected to see on Lifetime. (Lifetime, after all, is the television equivalent of comfort food.) So, I stopped watching after an hour and I turned over to SyFy so I could watch a much more light-hearted horror film, Finders Keepers. Fortunately, I had the DVR recording Big Driver and I finished watching the film early this morning.
What I discovered, when I watched the rest of the film, is that Big Driver is a frustratingly uneven film. The first half is difficult to watch and that’s the way it should have been. But, as I watched the rest of the film, I found myself growing annoyed with Tess’s imaginary friends. The talking GPS and the spectral presence of the fictional detective all served to make Tess look less like a woman demanding justice and more like the proverbial unstable person who shouldn’t have been messed with. One reason why the original I Spit On Your Grave has recently been reevaluated by several feminist film critics is because the victim in that film is never portrayed as being crazy or unbalanced. Her actions are purely the result of what has been done to her and, as such, that film is ultimately far more empowering than most critics will ever be willing to admit. By calling into question Tess’s grip on reality, Big Driver fails to empower and, if a film like this isn’t going to be empowering, than what is the point?
Big Driver is, however, redeemed by Maria Bello’s fierce performance as Tess. Maria Bello is one of my favorite actresses. When you see that a character is played by Maria Bello, you know that character is not going to put up with any bullshit and she’s not going to be afraid to kick someone’s ass if she has to. Even when the film’s script lets the character down, Maria Bello keeps Tess strong. It’s a great and, I would say, even an important performance.
As for Big Driver‘s place in the pantheon of Stephen King film adaptations, it’s about in the middle. It’s neither as good or as bad as it could have been but it is undeniably effective.
Through the Shattered Lens 