Back to School #80: The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story (dir by Jason Lapeyre)

Posted on September 27, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Well, it’s here! This is my 80th and final Back to School review! As I’ve mentioned before, I originally thought I’d be able to do all of these reviews in just one week. Instead, it’s taken me five weeks but you know what? I’ve had fun doing these reviews and I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading them. It’s been interesting to see how teen films have progressed and changed over the decades. We started this series with 1946’s I Accuse My Parents and now, we end it with a film from 2014 that might as well be called I Accuse Screech.

Technically, it’s called The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story but that’s kind of an unwieldy name, isn’t it? I can’t really see myself typing that title over and over again. So, for the purposes of this review, this movie is called I Accuse Screech.

First off, some background. When I was a kid, I used to watch Saved By The Bell: The New Class. What’s weird is that, when I look back at it, I think even then I knew that the show wasn’t very good. I knew that the jokes were frequently not funny. I knew that the story lines were predictable. I think I was even aware that it was strange how frequently actors were either dropped from or added to the cast. Don’t get me wrong. The show was (and still is) oddly watchable but it was never any good and I am pretty sure I knew that. Then again, maybe that’s just way I want to remember it. Being a fan of Saved By The Bell: The New Class isn’t exactly something that you brag about. However, one thing that I can be sure of is that, even when I was young, I knew that Screech Powers sucked.

As played by Dustin Diamond, Screech was the principal’s assistant at Bayside High. He was also probably the most annoying character ever to be unleashed onto the psyches of impressionable children and tweens. Screech spoke in a high, squeaky voice and could usually be relied upon to do something incredibly stupid. Whenever he fucked things up (and he managed to do this several times in each episode), he would say something like, “Zoinks!” Everybody hated Screech.

Now, I have to admit that I never actually saw an episode of the classic original Saved By The Bell until after the New Class was already off the air. And that’s when I discovered the adventures of Zack Morris, A.C. Slater, Kelly Kapowski, Jessie Spano, and … Screech. That’s right, you can’t escape Screech!

And here’s the thing — the original Saved By The Bell is one of those shows that really is kind of terrible and yet you can’t stop watching. It’s addictively bad, the type of show that you watch with a combination of shock, horror, and amusement. The original Saved By The Bell is the television equivalent of The Room or Troll 2. It’s terrible but it’s fun.

So, you would think that a made-for-tv movie about what went on behind-the-scenes of Saved By The Bell would also be terrible yet fun. That’s certainly the way that it was advertised by Lifetime. Lifetime appeared to be hoping that their version of the story behind Saved By The Bell would give them a Sharknado of their very own.

And hey, it should have been great. There’s an interesting story there. How would a bunch of teens handle suddenly becoming famous? How would they handle the pressure of being famous while also appearing on a show so bad that it would essentially run the risk of ruining their lives, not to mention their careers? How would they handle having to grow up both on TV and in real life?

Those are the questions that we expected to have answered by this movie but instead…

Well, let’s just say that I Accuse Screech!

In 2009, Dustin Diamond published a “memoir” called Behind The Bell and oh my God, it is literally the worst fucking book ever written. Words escape me to describe just how terrible this book is. Essentially, the book is full of Diamond either complaining that his co-stars didn’t like him or bragging about the fact that he used to have sex with 12 year-olds at Disneyland. Diamond accuses his castmates of smoking weed. (Wow, teenagers smoking weed. MY GOD, THE SCANDAL!) Diamoned accuses his castmates of having sex. (OH MY GOD, TEENAGERS HAVING SEX!) In other words, the book is pretty much Dustin Diamond complaining about the fact that everyone but him was having fun on the set of Saved By The Bell.

So, of course, if you’re going to make a movie about Saved By The Bell, where would you go for your source material? Well, you can’t go to any of the stars because, with the exception of Dustin Diamond, they all have successful careers outside of Saved By The Bell. And you can’t go to Dennis Haskins because, seriously, who cares what Mr. Belding thought?

Lifetime decided to use Behind the Bell as their source material. Unfortunately, Diamond himself has admitted that the book was a pack of lies. As a result, most of the more salacious (and therefore entertaining) material could not actually be used in the movie. The Lifetime film is full of hints of bad behavior but no direct evidence. At one point, we see the actor playing Mario Lopez flirting with an extra in a deserted classroom. In another scene, the girls get snarky with each other because they all like Mark-Paul Gosselaar. But, beyond those hints, we don’t get to see any of the book’s more sordid accusations. Instead, all we get are a lot of scenes of the actor playing Dustin Diamond looking annoyed with his castmates.

(Because, literally, the only verifiable, non-slanderous thing to be found in the book is that apparently Dustin Diamond was whiny, bitter, and jealous…)

As a result, the film seems to be suggesting that Saved By The Bell was put together and performed by the most boring people on Earth. The end result is not only the worst film to have appeared on Lifetime but perhaps one of the worst films of all time.

Why is it so bad?

I accuse Screech!

(Incidentally, if you want to learn more about Saved By The Bell, I suggest checking out the best Saved By The Bell review site around, The Summer of Morris!)

And, on that note of failure, we conclude this series of 80 Back to School reviews! Thank you, everyone, for your indulgence and your patience! I hope everyone enjoyed reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #104: Petals on the Wind (dir by Karen Moncrieff)

Posted on June 1, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I watched the Lifetime original film, Petals On The Wind.

Why Was I Watching It?

It’s the sequel to one of the greatest Lifetime films of all time, Flowers in the Attic. How could I not watch it?

What Was It About?

10 years have passed since the Dollanganger children escaped from the attic. Christopher (Wyatt Nash) is a medical student who, despite being engaged, is still attracted to his sister, Cathy (Rose McIver). Cathy is a dancer who finds herself trapped in an abusive relationship with the handsome but controlling Julian (Will Kemp). And finally, Carrie (Bailey Buntain) is still struggling with her memories of being held prisoner. After several tragedies occur outside of the attic, Cathy returns to Foxworth Hall, looking to get revenge on both her grandmother (Ellen Burstyn) and her mother (Heather Graham).

What Worked?

Heather Graham and Ellen Burstyn reprised their roles from Flowers in the Attic and both of them gave Emmy-worthy performances. Burstyn, in particular, managed to invoke some sympathy for a potentially monstrous character while Graham brought a great combination of immaturity and evil to her character.

On a personal level, I appreciated all of the dancing. It brought back a lot of good memories.

What Did Not Work?

Watching Petals On The Wind really made me appreciate Flowers in the Attic, which was great for Flowers but not so good for Petals. As I sat there, trying to figure out why Petals just wasn’t working for me, it occurred to me that the strength of Flowers in the Attic was that the attic itself became as much a character as any of the Dollangangers. Even more importantly, being trapped in that attic, gave all of the characters a link that went beyond family and sex. For the viewer, that attic allowed us to know when the story had truly begun (when the kids were first locked up there) and when the story was over (when they finally got to leave). In Petals, without the attic, the story of Dollangangers often felt formless and random. As a result, the film may have been watchable but it was rarely compelling.

Since Petals was supposed to take place ten years after the end of Flowers, all of the Dollanganger children were recast. And while Rose McIvar and Wyatt Nash are both talented, they didn’t have much chemistry when they were on screen together (especially when compared to their predecessors in Flowers). That lack of chemistry made all of the incest even ickier than it would normally be.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

All of the dancing, of course! I also have to admit that, like Cathy, I’ve known a few Julians.

Lessons Learned

From a narrative point of view, it is sometimes better to just stay in the attic.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #103: Death Clique (dir by Doug Campbell)

Posted on April 13, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Bermuda Tentacles and Robot Vs. Aztec Mummy were not the only movies I watched on Saturday night. I also DVRed Death Clique, a Lifetime original film.

Why Was I Watching It?

How can you not watch a film called Death Clique, especially when it’s on Lifetime?

What Was It About?

Teenagers Sara (Lexi Ainsworth) and Jade (Brittany Underwood) have been friends forever. However, when new transfer student Ashley (Tina Ivlev) decides that she wants to be Jade’s new BFF, it leads to murder. According to the opening credits, this is based on “true events.” (There’s been a lot of speculation on the imdb message boards that Death Clique was based on the horrific murder of Skylar Neese but, while there are similarities, I don’t know that for sure.)

What Worked?

I’m not totally sure how closely Death Clique stuck to the true story that inspired it. I’m going to guess that some parts of the film were heavily fictionalized, just by the fact that no “real” names were used. But, even with all that in mind, Death Clique was a disturbing and effective movie about friendship, obsession, and murder. When you watch as many Lifetime films as I do, you end up seeing a lot of melodrama in a lot of high schools. Death Clique may not be the first Lifetime film to deal with this topic but it is unique in that it not only got the melodrama right but it got the little details right as well.

A lot of the credit for the film’s success has to go to the actresses who played the three friends — Lexi Ainsworth, Brittany Underwood, and Tina Ivlev were totally believable in their roles.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked. This was an effective and well-made Lifetime film.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

There were more than I would like to admit. When I think back to high school and even to college, I can see that there were times when I was just like Jade and when I was just like Sara. I’ve been the girl with the new and possessive BFF and I’ve also been the girl who suddenly discovers that she’s become the third wheel. While I don’t think I’ve ever truly been an Ashley, I know what its like to be possessive of a new friend. Up until the murder, every scene in this film had me saying, “Oh my God! Just like me!”

There’s one scene, in particular, that struck uncomfortably close to home for me. That was when Jade and Ashley slashed the tires of a car belonging to their hated Spanish teacher. In my case, the car belonged to an algebra teacher and, without going into too many details, I was totally justified.

Lessons Learned

Choose your friends carefully.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #99: The Good Mistress (dir by Terry Ingram)

Posted on February 20, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I finally watched the latest Lifetime “original” film, The Good Mistress.

Why Was I Watching It?

When the Good Mistress originally aired, I was in Austin celebrating Valentine’s Day. As a result, the film had been sitting on my DVR for four days before I finally got a chance to watch it last night.

As for why I recorded it in the first place — well, you know I can’t ever resist the temptation of a good Lifetime film.

What Was It About?

Recovering alcoholic Sandy (Annie Heise) is looking to start a new life after being involved in a tragic car accident. She moves to a small town where her best friend from high school, Karen (Kendra Anderson), get her a job. Sandy also meets handsome and smooth politician David (Antonio Cupo). After Sandy sleeps with David, she discovers that he also happens to be Karen’s husband! And, it turns out, the women he has sex with have a habit of turning up dead.

Can Sandy still start her new life and expose David without losing Karen’s friendship and giving into the temptation to start drinking again?

Will David respond to everything Sandy says with a devilish smirk?

Will the nice and well-meaning sheriff fall in love with Sandy?

Most importantly, will there be a huge twist at the end?

If you’ve ever watched a Lifetime film, you already know the answer.

What Worked?

This was pretty much your typical Canadian-made Lifetime movie. A woman with a past moves to a small town, reconnects with an old friend, sleeps with a handsome man, and then discovers that he’s married and her life is in danger. It happens at least three times a day on Lifetime. Yes, it’s totally predictable and rather silly but, to quote Icona Pop, I don’t care. I love it.

Was the Good Mistress a good movie? No, not really. However, it was an enjoyable and entertaining way to waste two hours of my life. It was a Lifetime movie and that was good enough for me.

What Did Not Work?

The film’s title, while obviously meant to make viewers like me associate this film with The Good Wife, is totally incorrect. First off, just because you accidentally have a one-night stand with a married man that does not make you a mistress. If it did, there’d be a lot more mistresses in the world.

Secondly, even if Sandy could be considered a mistress, she could hardly be considered a good mistress. After all, she not only threatened to reveal David’s infidelity but accused him of murder as well. If anything, she would be a very bad mistress.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

Since it’s been a while since I last stood outside a bar and had trauma-induced flashbacks or unintentionally slept with a married man, I worried that I would not be able to relate to Sandy. However, then I saw the scene where Sandy — in a grocery store parking lot — gets distracted and loses control of her shopping cart. The same thing happened to me the last time I was at Wal-Mart. Unlike Sandy, no cute guys jumped out of nowhere to catch the cart for me.

Wal-Mart sucks.

Lessons Learned

Sometimes, it’s better to be bad.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #98: Lizzie Borden Took An Axe (dir by Nick Gomez)

Posted on January 26, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

(This post contains spoilers.)

Last night, I watched the brilliant Lifetime film, Lizzie Borden Took An Axe.

Why Was I Watching It?

First off, as everyone who reads this site should know by now, I love Lifetime movies. Add to that, I also happen to like true crime films. (It’s not for nothing that my twitter bio reads, “Just a sweet little thing with morbid thoughts.”) So, it’s really not so much a question of why I was watching it as how could I not watch it?

What Was It About?

On a hot summer day in 1892, both Andrew Borden and his wife are hacked to death. Suspicion is immediately cast upon their daughter Lizzie (Christina Ricci), a free-spirited Sunday School teacher who is also known for being a compulsive shop lifter. Is Lizzie guilty or was the crime committed by her older sister Emma (Clea Duvall) or the maid or a mysterious stranger who was seen around town on the day of crime? Though the case itself remains officially unsolved, this film makes a pretty convincing argument that Lizzie was guilty and was only acquitted because nobody, in 19th century America, could bring themselves to believe that a woman was capable of such a violent crime.

What Worked?

It all worked. Lizzie Borden was one of the greatest Lifetime movies that I’ve ever seen. It took all of the elements that we expect from a good Lifetime movie — scandal, sex, and girls literally getting away with murder — and pushed them to such an extreme that the end result was absolutely brilliant. Christina Ricci and Clea Duvall both gave great performances and Nick Gomez directed with an eye towards the surreal, the morbid, and the darkly humorous.

The scene towards the end where Lizzie whispered her confession to Emma was one of the best in the history of Lifetime.

What Did Not Work?

As I said above, it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I related to the Borden family maid, Bridget Sullivan, because she was Irish and hated having to wash windows.

Lessons Learned

Lizzie Borden was guilty….maybe.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #97: Flowers in the Attic (dir by Deborah Chow)

Posted on January 21, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This weekend, I watched the Lifetime original movie Flowers in the Attic.

Why Was I Watching It?

How could I not watch it? From the minute Lifetime first started to air commercials for it back in November, I knew I was going to watch Flowers in the Attic. What especially captured my attention was the way Flowers in The Attic was referred to as being “the book you weren’t allowed to read.” Even though I hadn’t even heard of the book before I saw the commercials, that tag line hooked me. The forbidden is always so inviting.

Add to that, every time I mentioned Flowers in the Attic on Twitter, Mason Dye (who played Christopher in the film) always favorited my tweet. That was so sweet that there was no way I couldn’t watch the movie.

What Was It About?

The time is the 1950s. The recently widowed Corrine (Heather Graham) returns to her childhood home in Virginia. As Corrine explains to her children, she comes from a rich family but was disowned when she left home. Now, her plan is to make up with her disapproving father and inherit his fortune once he dies. Corrine also claims that the only way for her to win back her father’s love is for her to keep the existence of her children a secret.

Hence, Corrine’s children — teenagers Cathy (Kierna Shipka) and Christopher (Mason Dye) and twins Carrie and Cory — are forced to hide in the attic while Corrine charms her father. The children are watched over by their ultra-religious, abusive grandmother (Ellen Burstyn).

Once in the attic, the children soon realize that Corrine doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to win their freedom. While Cathy and Christopher struggle to come of age without any adult supervision, Grandma occasionally brings up mysterious powdered donuts. Soon, Cathy and Christopher are exploring their desires and the twins are falling ill…

What Worked?

It all worked. This was Lifetime at its absolute best: entertaining, fun, and wonderfully melodramatic. Along with being full of wonderfully gothic Southern atmosphere, Flowers in the Attic featured great performances from Heather Graham, Mason Dye, and Kiernan Shipka. Best of all was veteran actress Ellen Burstyn, who made Grandma into a wonderfully over-the-top monster.

What Did Not Work?

If I have any complaints, it’s that the film’s conclusion felt a bit abrupt. However, a sequel to Flowers is already in production so that ending was actually a perfect set-up for part two of the story.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Cathy was into ballet, just like me! If I ever found myself locked in an attic for a year and a half, I’d probably use the time to do some pointe work as well.

Lessons Learned

Don’t eat mysterious donuts.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #92: The Cheating Pact (dir by Doug Campbell)

Posted on September 29, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Late last night, I watched an original Lifetime movie called The Cheating Pact.

Why Was I Watching It?

It was on Lifetime. How could I not watch it?

What Was It About?

The Cheating Pact is yet another Lifetime movie about upper middle class high school girls murdering each other. The girls also refuse to appreciate or listen to the advice offered up by their mothers and, in typical Lifetime fashion, the movie doesn’t seem to be certain whether it’s worse to be a murderer or a spoiled brat.

(Personally, I was occasionally accused of being a spoiled brat when I was in high school and I turned out just fine…)

Heather (Daniela Bobadilla) and Kylie (Laura Ashley Samuels) are both feeling pressured to get high scores on the College Entrance Test. Fortunately, Heather’s former best friend Meredith (Laura Wiggins) is a genius. (Just in case anyone is doubting Meredith’s intelligence, she wears glasses. So there.) Meredith agrees to take their tests for them and soon, she’s getting paid thousands of dollars to help her peers get into college.

However, Kylie isn’t happy with her score and feels that Meredith deliberately did poorly on the test. And so, as often happens in these films, Kylie shoves Meredith to her death and then tries to frame Heather for the murder,

What Worked?

Whenever you watch a Lifetime movie about a teenage girl doing something wrong and then not going to her mom for advice (or, even worse, ignoring her mom’s advice), you always know that the worst possible thing is going to happen as a result. In these uncertain times, a film like The Cheating Pact is so predictable that it’s actually rather comforting.

I also love how Lifetime movies always present high school as being ruled by an erratic matriarchal society that’s dominated by secret organizations and melodramatic conspiracies, If anything, I think Lifetime movies probably offer the most realistic depictions of high school that I’ve ever seen.

What Did Not Work?

Hey, it was a Lifetime movie. Therefore, it all worked.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Much like Kylie, I once accidentally shoved someone over a stairway railing. But shhhhhh …. don’t tell anyone.

Lessons Learned

I missed the opportunity to make a lot of easy money in high school.

What Lisa and the Snarkalecs Watched Last Night #86: The Nightmare Nanny (dir by Michael Fiefer)

Posted on July 28, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I persuaded my friends, the Snarkalecs. to watch a movie on Lifetime with me. That movie was The Nightmare Nanny.

Why Were We Watching It?

I have to take the blame on this one. Usually, the Snarkalecs and I watch and live tweet a SyFy film on Saturday but last night, SyFy was showing Sharknado for the 100th time. So, some of us were meeting up on twitter and trying to decide what we were going to watch. Since I’m always trying to get more people addicted to watching Lifetime movies, I suggested that we all watch The Nightmare Nanny. To my surprise and delight, everyone agreed.

What Was It About?

Creepy Anne (Ashley Scott) and her girly husband Ben (Kip Pardue) need to find a nanny to look after Jenny, their ennui-stricken 3 year-old daughter. After an extensive search, they hire Julie (Makenna Melvin). Julie is great with Jenny and, as Anne starts to realize, Jenny would actually much rather be Julie’s daughter. However, little do they suspect that Julie is actually Amber and she and her white trash boyfriend are planning to kidnap Jenny so that they can raise her as their own.

What Worked?

The Snarkalecs were on fire last night! Seriously, we may not have been watching a SyFy film but we snarked it like we were. Hopefully, this will lead to the Snarkalecs watching even more Lifetime films. I’m praying that I can get them to all watch Confessions of a Go Go Girl sometime soon. Seriously, that’s the greatest Lifetime film ever!

As for The Nightmare Nanny itself… well…

What Did Not Work?

To be honest, The Nightmare Nanny was probably one of the worst Lifetime films that I’ve ever seen.

As played by Makenna Melvin, the nanny was so obviously unstable that you had a hard time believing that anyone would actually be stupid enough to hire her in the first place.

Meanwhile, the nightmare nanny’s victims (played by Kip Pardue and Ashley Scott) were both so unlikable that you found yourself hoping that they somehow wouldn’t be able to rescue their daughter because you simply couldn’t accept that these two would ever be able to conceive and take care of a child. You found yourself suspecting that maybe they themselves had previously kidnapped Jenny from her natural parents. Pardue was incredibly wimpy and Ashley Scott had perhaps the scariest eyebrows ever seen on television. Is it any surprise that Jenny didn’t seem to be all that upset over being kidnapped, perhaps for the second time?

Speaking of the daughter, there was something very odd about her. Not only did she never talk, walk, smile, or do anything else but she also slept in a crib despite appearing to be way too old. Between the nightmare nanny and the odd parents, somebody seriously needed to call social services because there was just something odd going on in that household.

Finally, Nightmare Nanny failed to provide us with what we expect from a good Lifetime movie. At no point did the nightmare nanny attempts to seduce the husband by wandering around in lingerie. The wife’s sassy best friend survived the entire film. Nobody wore anything that looked like it could have been designed by the designers on Project Runway. The film’s climax was almost defiantly bereft of melodrama.

I’ve seen a lot of psycho nanny films on Lifetime and let’s just say that The Nightmare Nanny was no Perfect Nanny.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

Usually, I can find a whole lot of “Oh my God! Just like me!” moments whenever I watch a Lifetime film. However, that wasn’t the case with Nightmare Nanny. Seriously, the characters in this film were just too odd.

However, I did relate to a few of the commercials that were shown during the film. For instance, I recently had a shrieking orgasm while washing my hair with Herbal Essences.

Lessons Learned

Never hire a nanny without checking Angie’s List first.

What Lisa and Erin Watched Last Night #85: Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal (dir by Tom McLaughlin)

Posted on June 28, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, my sister Erin and I watched the 2008 Lifetime Movie, Fab Five: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal.

Why Were We Watching It?

This is my fourth favorite Lifetime movie, coming in right behind Confessions of a Go Go Girl, The Babysitter’s Seduction, and Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. It comes on every few weeks and, if I’m at home, I’ll usually end up watching it. I forced my sister Erin Nicole to watch it with me because she actually was a Texas cheerleader and I figured she would have some insight into the film that I might otherwise miss. Plus, it’s just fun to watch movies with Erin!

What Was It About?

Emma Carr (Jenna Dewan, who would later become Jenna Dewan-Tatum) is the new cheerleading coach at a small Texas high school. She views cheerleading as being the most important part of a young girl’s life and she quickly proves to be an inspirational and beloved teacher. However, five mean girls — the Fab Five of the title — are determined to do what they want, regardless of whether it’s good for the cheerleading squad, the school, or Coach Carr’s marriage. Making things especially difficult is the fact that the leader of the Fab Five (played by Amber Benson) is the daughter of the school principal (Tatum O’Neal). While Coach Carr tries to instill a sense of teamwork and self-esteem into the rest of the squad, the Fab Five spend their time drinking, hanging out in sex shops, and posting racy videos on YouTube.

Needless to say, this film is credited as being “based on a true story.”

What Worked?

Though the film was undoubtedly exaggerated, it still did manage to capture just what it’s like to go to an athletics-obsessed school in small town and suburban Texas. Seriously, it’s a world that only makes sense when you’re actually a part of it. Once you leave and think back, it all looks like a silly Lifetime movie.

Everytime after I see this movie, I find myself occasionally clapping my hands while chanting, “Pump, pump, pump it up/Pump that spirit, keep it up!” Seriously, it’s fun!

What Did Not Work?

Both Erin and I were occasionally amused and often annoyed by how seriously Coach Carr took cheerleading. Every time that Jenna Dewan started to give a speech about the importance of cheerleading (“You represent your school!”), Erin and I started laughing. She was just so serious about it that I found it hard to believe that her character wasn’t being played for laughs. Imagine my shock as I realized that the film meant for us to take her seriously.

(However, Erin has assured me that there are coaches out there who really do view cheerleading as being a mission from God.)

“Oh my God! Just like us!” Moments

As we watched the film, I continually asked my sister if this movie was an accurate portrayal of what it was like to be a scandalous high school cheerleader in Texas. According to Erin, the film was accurate but exaggerated. She said that she had known girls like the ones portrayed in this film but, even at their worst, they weren’t “as demonic” as the Fab Five. Erin also asked me to make clear that she was certainly never one of those girls. And I can vouch for that! There’s a reason why Erin’s nickname is “the nice one.”

When I first started high school, quite a few people told me that I needed to follow my sister’s example and try out for cheerleader and I have to admit that I was occasionally tempted to do so. However, I never did because I already had ballet and drama club, I wanted to establish my own identity, and Erin told me that being cheerleader meant that I had to be perky all the time and, quite frankly, I’ve always needed my time to sulk. So, I’ve never regretted not following the cheerleader route but I still found it amusing that the evil redheaded cheerleader in Fab Five was named Lisa.

Lessons Learned

My home state is the best! Seriously, would anyone ever want to watch a movie called The Vermont Cheerleader Scandal? I think not.

600full-fab-five_-the-texas-cheerleader-scandal-screenshot

“Seriously, what the Hell’s the point of Vermont?”

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #84: Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret (dir by Jace Alexander)

Posted on June 23, 2013 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, I turned over to Lifetime and I watched the world premiere of Jodi Arias: Dirty Little Secret.

Why Was I Watching It?

If you know me then you know that I can’t resist a trashy Lifetime film. And could anything be trashier than a film about Jodi Arias?

What Was It About?

The film is based on the true story of the most hated woman in America. Mentally unstable fake blonde Jodi Arias (Tania Raymonde) meets motivational speaker Travis Alexander (Jesse Lee Sofer) and eventually becomes obsessed with him. Finally, Jodi goes back to her natural hair color and, in a disturbingly graphic scene, murders Travis.

What Worked?

In the role of Jodi Arias, Tania Raymonde (who is probably best known for playing Ben’s daughter on Lost) gave a genuinely unsettling performance. Not only did Raymonde look a lot like Jodi but she was convincingly crazy as well.

What Did Not Work?

Honestly, this film left me feeling incredibly icky. Does Jodi Arias really deserve to have a film made about her?

Perhaps I would have felt differently if the film had provided any sort of psychological insight into either Jodi or Travis (who remains a cipher for the majority of the film). However, the film is content to just reenact all of the sordid details that we’ve already heard about. The end result is a film that’s occasionally watchable but ultimately disappointing.

“Oh my God! Just like me!” Moments

I refuse to acknowledge seeing any “Just like me!” moments while watching a movie about Jodi Arias. Judging from the response on twitter to this movie, I was not alone in this. For the most part, people seemed to be watching specifically so they could point out how little they had in common with Jodi Arias. Perhaps that’s the true appeal of films like this, the chance to say, “I may be fucked up but at least I’m not Jodi Arias!”

Okay, I will admit that, much like the film version of Jodi Arias, I believe that dancing can be a great tool of seduction and emotional expression.

However, judging from the moves displayed in this movie, I’m a much better dancer.

Lessons Learned

I’ll watch just about anything that’s on Lifetime.