Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.5 “Outpost”

Posted on January 15, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

I have a cold and a slight fever so tonight’s review is going to be a short one.

Episode 3.5 “Outpost”

(Dir by T.K. Hudson, originally aired on October 28th. 1990)

In the far future, a space mining company is transforming terminally ill people into cyborg mutants and sending them to work on inhospitable planets in return for keeping them alive. Cara (Juliet Mills), a representative of the company, is sent to one of the outposts to discover why the horribly disfigured Sebastian (Tony Fields) is no longer doing his job.

Separated by a layer of glass, Sebastian and Cara have a 19-minute conversation. Cara is rude and condescending and makes it clear that she has zero concern for the well-being of Sebastian. This is perhaps as bitchy as the world will ever see a Mills sister act, which is really saying something when you consider some of the Saved By The Bell episodes in which Hayley Mills played Miss Bliss. Sebastian has been hearing voices and is tempted to just wander across the alien landscape until he dies. Why should he spent the rest of eternity miserable and alone.

Cara gets annoyed. She says that work is important. Why, when her husband was ill and dying, she didn’t even bother to take off from her job to visit him. He died while she was away or, at least, that’s what the company told her….

Can you see where this is going?

This episode benefitted from the performances of Juliet Mills and Tony Fields but the story was extremely predictable. The dialogue was definitely a bit more intelligent than we’ve seen in previous episodes of Monsters and I respected the episode’s ambition but, in the end, the story dragged a bit and the big twist was easily guessed. This was not a terrible episode but it wasn’t particularly memorable either.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.7 “The Lady from Laramie/Vicki Swings/Phantom Bride”

Posted on November 27, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

The Love Boat promises something for everyone!

Episode 5.7 “The Lady from Laramie/Vicki Swings/Phantom Bride”

(Dir by Jack Arnold, originally aired on November 14th, 1981)

As I did with this week’s episodes of Miami Vice, CHiPs, and Fantasy Island, I’m going to save time by doing this one bullet point style.

Before getting to the storylines, I want to point out that this week’s episode was directed by Jack Arnold. Jack Arnold may not be a household name but he directed some of this site’s favorite science fiction and monster movies, including Tarantula, The Incredible Shrinking Man, It Came From Outer Space, and The Creature From The Black Lagoon!
As always, this cruise presents us with three stories. One of the three stories definitely does benefit from Arnold’s macabre touch. Juliet Mills and Buddy Hackett play Kate and Julian Garfield, who are married psychic researchers. The board the boat in search of a ghost. Captain Stubing doesn’t believe in ghosts and good for him! (Neither do I!) However, Gopher is totally convinced and he’s soon wandering around the boat with a bunch of garlic hanging around his neck. Gopher, they’re looking for ghosts, not vampires!
At one point, Gopher is convinced that he’s managed to take a picture of a ghost but it’s actually just Kate looking through a porthole.
I have to admit that I groaned a bit when I saw that Juliet Mills was going to, once again, be a passenger on The Love Boat. But then I remembered that Hayley is the Mills sister that gets on my nerves. Juliet and Buddy Hackett had a surprising amount of chemistry. They were likable together.
It is kind of funny that there are certain guest stars — like Juliet Mills — who show up over and over again but who always play different characters. I’m always waiting for someone on the boat to be like, “Hey, weren’t you here last week?”
The least interesting story featured Nancy Dussault as a plain-spoken (or maybe just annoying) widow from Wyomin’ who fell in love with an Italian gigolo (Cesare Danova) who was on the boat with a rich socialite (Marti Stevens). Cesare Danova played the mob boss in Mean Streets and the mayor in Animal House. He did not look happy at all to be on The Love Boat.
Poor Vicki! In this episode, 14 year-old Vicki pretended to be 18 in an attempt to flirt with Todd Andrews (Patrick Labyroteaux), a teenager who was traveling by himself. The Captain grew very worried about Vicki, especially after he heard Todd suggesting that he and Vicki had fooled around late into the night. (Todd was lying and, oddly enough, everyone seemed to be strangely forgiving of Todd’s actions.)
At one point, The Captain tells Vicki that he wanted her to spend time with people her own age. Vicki replies that she was the only fourteen year-old on the ship. And, seriously, Vicki has a point.
Vicki living on the ship has always seemed kind of strange to me and I always appreciate the episodes that try to honestly deal with the situation. How can you not have mixed feelings about spending your teen years on a boat, largely surrounded by people who are quite a bit older than you? That said, Gavin MacLeod was always at his best when he was playing Stubing as a father and Jill Whelan was refreshingly non-cutesy in the role of Vicki. As a result, you couldn’t help but feel that, ultimately, the Captain and his daughter were right where they belonged.
This was an okay cruise. The ghost storyline was fun. MacLeod and Whelan tugged at the heartstrings. When it comes to good stories on The Love Boat, two out of three is not bad at all!

Next week — The Love Boat goes on a Thanksgiving cruise! (If only I had started reviewing The Love Boat a week earlier than I did, the timing would have been perfect.) ‘Til then, set a course for adventure, your mind on a new romance….

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.22 “Sally’s Paradise/I Love You, Too, Smith/Mama and Me”

Posted on September 11, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Gopher finds love!

Episode 4.22 “Sally’s Paradise/I Love You, Too, Smith/Mama and Me”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on March 7th, 1981)

Occasionally, on The Love Boat, a member of the crew would happen to find love.

It seemed to happen most often to Julie. Having watched three and three-quarters seasons of The Love Boat, I’ve lost track of the number of times that I’ve seen Julie tear up while saying goodbye to a passenger with whom she had fallen in love. Isaac also seems to have had his share of shipboard romances. Doc is almost always seen escorting someone to his cabin. The Captain is usually busy running the ship but he’s found a few opportunities to fall in love.

And then there’s Gopher. Poor, goofy Gopher. He’s had a handful of cruise romances but, compared to his co-workers, they tend to be few and far apart. This week, however, Gopher finally gets to have another romance. (Perhaps not coincidentally, the Gopher storyline was co-written by Fred Grandy.)

Angelina Blenderman (Joanna Pettet) is the by-the-book customs agent who always takes her time checking people’s luggage when they disembark from the ship. Blenderman and Gopher have an antagonistic relationship, with her making fun of him for wearing shorts with his uniform and Gopher complaining that Blenderman is a humorless scold. But when Blenderman boards the ship and Gopher discovers that her boyfriend, Ray (Christopher Pennock), is a total cad who is cheating on her, Gopher and Blenderman fall in love.

And you know what? It’s actually really sweet. Fred Grandy and Joanna Pettet had a lot of chemistry and they made for a cute couple. Pettet did an especially good job of capturing the insecurity lurking beneath the abrasive surface. My heart really broke for her when she first discovered Ray cheating on her. (Grandy himself had a nice moment where he shyly revealed to Blenderman that his little-used first name was actually “Burl.” “Stick with Smith,” Blenderman replies.) I was happy to see that Blenderman and Gopher were still together at the end of the cruise.

As for the other (less interesting) stories, Sally (Juliet Mills) is the manager of the ship’s gift shop. When Julie hears that Sally’s fiancé, Donald (Gary Conway), is boarding the ship, she is excited for Sally. Then Sally’s other fiancé, Ricardo (Pedro Armendariz, Jr.), unexpectedly boards the ship. And then Henry (Kenneth Kimmins) boards the ship and Julie learns that Sally has gotten engaged to a third man! None of the men know about each other. Sally explains to Julie that she loves something different about all three of them. When Donald, Ricardo, and Henry all stop by the gift shop at the same time, Sally’s secret is revealed. Realizing that she has to choose and having been assured by the men that they will respect her choice, Sally decides to remain single and continue to date all three of the men. Good for Sally! On the one hand, her actions are very manipulative, regardless of how much she loves each man. On the other hand, she is right when she says she has the right to explore different things and enjoy her life. Somehow, Juliet Mills makes Sally into a likable character. (One can only imagine how cringey this episode would have been if Hayley had played the role.)

Finally, Natalie Corson (Sylvia Sidney) boards the ship with her son, Stanley (Eddie Mekka). Natalie wants Stanley to marry a woman that he’s not in love with. Stanley would rather marry his childhood friend, Jill (Joan Prather). Natalie accuses Jill of being a nudist because she wears a bikini but eventually, Natalie comes to realize that she’s not being fair and her son deserves to be happy. The problem with this story was that Stanley was such a wimp that you couldn’t help but feel that Jill deserved better.

With the exception of the third story, this was a fun cruise. I’m glad Gopher found love and Sally found lust. It was an enjoyable trip on the boat that offers something for everyone.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.3 “The Skater’s Edge/Concerto of Death/The Last Great Race”

Posted on December 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost the entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube, Daily Motion, and a few other sites.

This week, Fantasy Island loses a fantasy. Read on to find out the details and remember, “Smiles, everyone! Smiles!”

Episode 4.3 “The Skater’s Edge/Concerto of Death/The Last Great Race”

(Dir by Cliff Bole and Vince Edwards, originally aired on November 8th, 1980)

When this episode originally aired, it was a special two-hour episode of Fantasy Island, one that featured three fantasies as opposed to the usual two.

In Skater’s Edge, Charlie Johnson (Charlene Tilton) is a farm girl from Missouri who dreams of being a world class figure skater. She comes to the Island to compete in the Fantasy Island Skating Competition. Mr. Roarke gives Charlie a pair of magic skates that he claims belonged to figure skater Sonja Henie. As long as Charlie is wearing the skates, she is the greatest skater in the world. She takes the competition by storm and she also wins the heart of coach Mike O’Brien (Dack Rambo). Unfortunately, in doing so, Charlie upsets Mike’s protégé, Laura Henderson (Peggy Fleming). Laura steals Charlie’s skates but, after Mr. Roarke talks to her about the importance of friendship and fair play, Laura returns the skates to Charlie. Charlie gets a perfect score from the judges but, even more importantly, she learns a lesson in humility and she’s happy when Laura is named the winner of the competition. Laura has the Fantasy Island championship but Charlie has got Mike.

In Concerto of Death, Dennis Cole plays Jeremy Hale, who comes to the island with his wife (Mary Ann Mobley). Jeremy’s brother was a talented concert pianist who was murdered. Jeremy wants to play as well as his brother but he also wants to solve his murder. Roarke gives Jeremy an emerald ring that glows a deep green when Jeremy plays his piano. Roarke warns Jeremy that his brother’s ghost might try to possess him and seek violent revenge against those who he blames for his death. The scenes involving Jeremy being possessed feature Jeremy being suffused by a green glow and yes, it’s kind of silly but it’s still fun in the way that cheap special effects often are. Eventually, Jeremy realizes that his brother was killed by Carla Marco (Erin Gray) and it ends with the police taking away Carla and Jeremy’s guest cabin burning to the ground. That cabin burned down to the ground at least once per season.

Finally, in The Last Great Race, Dick Shawn and Juliet Mills play a couple who are divorcing. They go on a race with the winner getting the majority of their possessions.

You may notice that I don’t have much to say about The Last Great Race. This is because the Race fantasy was edited out of this episode when it went into syndication. Unfortunately, all of the versions that I’ve found of this episode online are of the syndicated version. So, I guess The Last Great Race is just going to be the lost fantasy of Fantasy Island.

It’s hard to judge this episode because, in the syndicated version, it’s very obvious that a lot has been removed. It makes things feel a bit disjointed with the scene transitions often coming abruptly. Charlie and Mike seem to fall in love in record time and Laura declaring herself to be Charlie’s friend seems odd because we haven’t really seen them interact before Laura steals her skates. Meanwhile, the story with Jeremy also feels rushed with the final confrontation between Jeremy and the murderer seeming to come out of nowhere.

That said, it’s kind of a fun episode. The skating scenes feature an obvious stunt double for Charlene Tilton and it’s hard not to be kind of charmed by how obvious it all is. (You can get dizzy as the scene cuts from close-ups of Tilton’s face and close-ups of the stunt double’s legs.) The supernatural story makes no sense but the silly special effects made me smile. The episode ends with Mr. Roarke causing snow to fall on Fantasy Island but, in typical Roarke fashion, he makes sure that it only falls on Tattoo. Roarke has a good laugh while Tattoo screams in terror. Seriously, those two hate each other so much.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.17 “April’s Love/We Three/Happy Ending”

Posted on November 22, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, a special guest returns!

Episode 3.17 “April’s Love/We Three/Happy Ending”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on January 12th, 1980)

Let’s see. This week’s episode is entitled April’s Love/We Three/Happy Ending and….

Wait?

Whose love?

April?

Oh no (or oh yes, depending on how you view things), it’s a Charo episode!

Charo was hardly the only celebrity to frequently appear on The Love Boat but she was the only one to always play the same character. April first boarded the ship as a stowaway and then she returned as an entertainer. She appeared at least once in almost every season. In many ways, Charo was the perfect fit for The Love Boat. She was loud, flamboyant, and shameless. She was sexy but innocent. She was the epitome of The Love Boat aesthetic. At the same time, a little Charo went a long way and, whenever she boarded the ship, you knew the episode was pretty much going to be 75% Charo.

That’s the case here, in which the crew makes such a big deal over April that you have to wonder if they’re aware that there are other passengers on board. April boards the ship with her manager and fiancé, Honest Tex (Forrest Tucker). The crew doesn’t trust Honest Tex, especially when they find out that he was a used car salesman before he met April. When Honest Tex hears Julie playing her flute and offers to get her a recording contract, the crew assumes that he wants to cheat on April!

(Side note: Since when did Julie start playing the flute?)

Fortunately, Honest Tex turns out to be sincere and he really does have a heart as big as Texas. After April tells him what the crew has been saying about him, Honest Tex admits that he has been lying about something. He was actually born in New Jersey. April sings a song, the crew apologizes, and April and Honest Tex leave the boat a happy couple.

While this is going on, William and Betty Robinson (Don Adams and Juliet Mills) board the boat so they can get some work done. They are married screenwriters but they are on the verge of divorce. Once they finish their current script, they can split up. The only problem is that William doesn’t want to split up with her. Isaac suggests that William just never finish the script. William hides the script in his nightstand and then, saying that it’s been lost, he works with Betty to write a new script in which a couple stays together. Betty and William realize that they still love each other. Betty discovers that William hid the script but she then confesses that she had another copy of the original script the whole time. Awwwwwww! This was a cute story. Don Adams was a lot more likable here than he is on Check It Out! and Juliet Mills is a lot less annoying than her sister Hayley.

(Admittedly, I really only know Hayley from her time as Miss Bliss on those weird episodes of Saved By The Bell. But seriously, Miss Bliss was the worst!)

Finally, Tom Thornton (Ross Martin) boards the boat and is surprised to see his ex-girlfriend, Martha (Marjorie Lord), and Martha’s adopted daughter, Laura Rogers (Laurie Walters). Laura happens to be Tom’s daughter! Tom isn’t sure whether or not he should reveal he is Laura’s father but meeting Vicki and hearing about how happy Vicki was when she discover Captain Stubing was her father leads to Tom telling Laura the truth. Laura is happy to have a father and Martha is happy to reunite with Tom. This was another sweet story, featuring sincere performances from both Ross Martin and Marjorie Lord. (Plus, Vicki finally did something to justify breaking all of the labor laws that are undoubtedly being violated by having a 12 year-old working on a cruise ship.)

This episode featured two sweet and sincerely-acted stories but both of them are overshadowed by April and Honest Tex. Personally, I think April is an amusing character and, as I said, Charo was the epitome of the ideal Love Boat celebrity guest. But it’s still hard not to feel that the other passengers deserved just as much attention as Charo received in this episode. That said, this was still an enjoyable cruise. A good time was had by all. I know Charo will return in future episodes but I have a feeling we’ll never hear from Honest Tex again.

Horror Film Review: Waxwork II: Lost In Time (dir by Anthony Hickox)

Posted on October 4, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1992’s Waxwork II opens with the finale of the first Waxwork. The cursed waxwork is burning to the ground, taking out the monsters within, along with Sir Wilfred (Patrick Macnee) and Wilfred’s army of do-gooders. Only Mark (Zach Galligan) and Sarah (now played by Monika Schnarre) are able to escape. Fleeing the burning building, they manage to catch a cab. Sarah wonders what they’re going to do now. Mark replies that they’re going to go back to school and pretend that none of this ever happened.

Good luck with that! It turns out that one other thing did escape from the waxwork. A disembodied hand follows Sarah home and murders her abusive stepfather. Sarah manages to drop the hand down the garbage disposal, destroying it but also destroying the only proof she had that she didn’t kill her stepfather. Sarah is put on trial for murder and the jury does not appear to be impressed with her “It was a supernatural creature” defense.

What she and Mark need is proof that the waxwork was full of monsters. Fortunately, a trip to Sir Wilfred’s house reveals not only a recording of Sir Wilfred explaining how there’s an alternative universe known as the Kartagra but also a compass that can be used to find portals into the Kartagra. Mark and Sarah enter the Kartagra, searching for proof of Sarah’s innocence.

Mark and Sarah go from one universe to another, meeting iconic horror characters along the way. Just as with the exhibits in the first film, each universe features it own set monsters and its own distinctive style. For instance, Mark finds himself suddenly cast in the role of Henry Clerval, best friend of Baron Frankenstein (Martin Kemp) and the lover of the Baron’s wife, Elizabeth (who is actually Sarah). Of course, the Baron has more to worry about than his wife cheating with his best friend. There’s also the angry monster living in the basement and the angry villagers that are due to start pounding on the front doors of the mansion.

Later, Mark finds himself in a black-and-white recreation of The Haunting of Hill House, working with a researcher (Bruce Campbell) and two psychics to investigate reports of a ghost at an old house. Mark must bring peace to the ghost while avoiding all of the slapstick complications that one might expect when Bruce Campbell shows up as a paranormal researcher. While Mark is dealing with that, Sarah is floating in space, trying to protect the crew of her dingy spaceship from an acid spewing alien.

You get the idea. Waxwork II is essentially an affectionate collection of homages to other, better-known horror films and it must be said that Waxwork II does an excellent job of recreating each film, from the crisp black-and-white of haunted house scene to the grittiness of the Alien sequences to the over-the-top swordplay of a trip to a medieval world. There’s even a trip to the mall from Dawn of the Dead! Wisely, Waxwork II doesn’t take itself particularly seriously, with many scenes developing into outright comedy. Zach Galligan gives an enjoyable and nicely modulated comedic performance, even holding his own with Bruce Campbell.

At 104 minutes, Waxwork II runs a bit too long for its own good but it ends on a sweet note that nicely wraps up the entire saga. It’s a film that works as both a continuation of Waxwork and as an entertaining film on its own.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

Posted on June 28, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a special 90-minute episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.21 “A Good and Faithful Servant/The Secret Life of Burl Smith/Tug of War/Designated Lover”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 17th, 1979)

It’s a Mills family reunion as John, Juliet, and Haley all board The Love Boat. Despite being related, the three of them appears in three separate and unconnected stories. (There is one moment where Juliet walks past John and he gives her a slightly quizzical “Do I know you?” look.)

John Mills plays Bertram MacDonald, the long-time butler and chauffeur to Estelle Castlewood (Celeste Holm). Estelle has booked herself a vacation cruise on the Pacific Princess and she’s surprised to discover that Bertram has also booked a cruise. As Bertram explains it, the only time that he can take a vacation is when Celeste takes a vacation. At first, Bertram promises to stay away from Celeste during the cruise so that they can both enjoy their vacations without feeling like employer and employee. However, fate keeps bringing them together and soon, Bertram tells Celeste that he has to resign from his position because he’s now in love with her. Fortunately, Celeste is also in love with him so it all works out. Upon returning to America, Bertram again drives Celeste home but, this time, Celeste sits up front with him instead of in the back of her limo. This was a rather sweet story, largely because John Mills and Celeste Holm had a lot of chemistry and, being two veteran actors, they both knew exactly how to deliver their sentimental dialogue without making it sound overly calculated.

Juliet Mills plays Millicent, who is separated from Sherman (David Hedison). Millicent boards the cruise with her 8 year-old son, Lucas (Keith Coogan) and she is shocked to discover that Sherman has decided to take the cruise as well. Lucas blames himself for the separation but, fortunately, he gets a pep talk from a real-life baseball star, Reggie Jackson. (Yes, I did ask my sister who he was.) Even better, Sherman and Millicent realize that they still love each other and agree to call off the divorce. Yay! Again, this was another story that worked because of the chemistry between the two leads. Juliet Mills and David Hedison were convincing as a couple who, for all of their ups and downs, were still willing to give their marriage another chance.

Now, you may be wondering what Reggie Jackson was doing on the cruise. It turns out that Reggie is an old friend of Isaac Washington’s. Apparently, Isaac was known as “Freight Train Washington” in high school. Reggie went on to become a multi-millionaire athlete while Isaac went on to become a bartender on a cruise line. When Reggie boards the boat, he tells Isaac that he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s famous. However, in an amusing twist, Reggie soon becomes frustrated when he gets what he asked for. He’s soon reduced to telling people that he’s Reggie Jackson, just to have them reply that he looks nothing like Reggie Jackson. Not even Captain Stubing believes that he’s Reggie Jackson! Fortunately, Reggie is finally able to convince Cleo (Telma Houston) that he is who he says he is and the two of them leave the boat together. As an actor, Reggie Jackson was a bit stiff but he still had decent comedic timing and it was hard not to be amused at his growing frustration over being anonymous.

Finally, Haley Mills plays model Cheryl Tyson. Gopher is excited that Cheryl is going to be on the cruise. She’s his favorite model! He even has a big poster on the wall next to his bed in his cabin. Unfortunately, every time that Gopher is near Cheryl, he loses the ability to speak in complete sentences. As such, Gopher spends the majority of the episode fantasizing outlandish, film-inspired scenarios that all lead to him sweeping Cheryl off her feet. Gopher imagines himself as an explorer, an admiral, a knight, a spy, and as Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. He imagines himself as Elton John, performing Pinball Wizard as the Love Boat crew dances around. He even imagines being in a love triangle with Julie and Cheryl. Eventually, Cheryl gives him a pity date and it’s …. well, this whole storyline was pretty stupid. Fred Grandy was likable in the role and Gopher could be an amusingly goofy character but his fantasies were just so silly and poorly written that I couldn’t wait for them to be over. It’s nice that the show finally gave Grandy a showcase but neither he nor Haley Mills were particularly well-served by this episode.

This was an uneven episode. Even though the stories featuring John and Juliet Mills and Reggie Jackson were nicely done, the Hayley Mills/Fred Grandy stuff took up the majority of the episode and it dragged the whole thing down.

Next week …. Freight Train Washington falls in love!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”

Posted on May 23, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we visit the other side of the Island.

Episode 2.23 “Cornelius and Alphonse/The Choice”

(Dir by Earl Bellamy, originally aired on May 6th, 1979)

This was a bit of an odd episode.

First off, the official title of the show, for this episode, was Fantasy Island Sunday Special. Usually, Fantasy Island aired on Saturdays. This episode, as you can guess by the title, aired on a Sunday. Secondly, this episode does away with both the plane and Tattoo’s signature cry of “Da Plane Da Plane,” and instead has the guests arrive on the island in a hot air balloon. Tattoo (who is once again seen driving his little car, so I guess he finally recovered it after it was stolen earlier in the season) and Mr. Roarke are joined by a second assistant, Cindy (Kimberly Beck, who readers of this site will probably recognize as the likable lead in films like Massacre at Central High and Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter). At one point, Roarke says that “Cindy helps me on this side of the Island.” If nothing else, this episode confirms that Roarke has multiple assistants and the Island is really, really big.

Actually, it’s a good thing that Cindy is there because Cornelius (Red Buttons) and Alphonse (Billy Barty) have kidnapped Tattoo! Cornelius is a former employee of the Island but he was fired for stealing. When he returns to the Island, he says that his fantasy is to just have a pleasant holiday with his friend Alphonse. However, Cornelius’s real fantasy is to get revenge on Mr. Roarke by abducting Tattoo and holding him for ransom!

Of course, anyone who has been paying attention to the show up to this point knows that Cornelius and Alphonse have made a mistake. Mr. Roarke and Tattoo obviously loathe each other. When Mr. Roarke finds out that Tattoo is being held captive in a conveniently deserted castle, he doesn’t really seem that concerned about it. And Tattoo turns out to be such a disruptive presence that Cornelius is soon begging Roarke to take him back. In the end, Roarke demands money to take Tattoo off of their hands and Cornelius and Alphone end up paying off their debt by working in Fantasy Island’s kitchen. Tattoo is amused by the whole thing, despite the fact that Mr, Roarke was essentially willing to let him die.

Meanwhile, two orphans (Kyle Richards and Michael Anderson, Jr.) are given a chance to pick their new parents. They spend time with two sets of prospective parents. (One of the potential fathers is a magician played by a youngish Regis Philbin.) From the start of the fantasy, it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to ask to be adopted by Ruth (Juliet Mills), the head of the adoption agency. And that’s exactly what happens. The episode ends with Ruth and the children boarding a hot air balloon and flying all the way back to America.

As I said, this was a bit of a weird episode, with a new assistant and a hot air balloon. “The other side of the Island” looks a like a theme park. This episode was obviously designed to appeal to children and, for what it’s worth, the IMDb trivia section states that this episode was meant to be a “backdoor pilot” for a version of Fantasy Island that would appeal to children. (I assume Cindy would have been the main character.) Unfortunately, the kidnapping humor is a bit too broad and the adoption storyline is a bit too predictable. Hopefully, next week’s episode will take place on the adult side of the Island.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.8 “A Time for Everything / The Song Is Ended / Accidental Cruise / Anoushka”

Posted on April 5, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, hearts are broken on a special 90-minute episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.8 “A Time for Everything / The Song Is Ended / Accidental Cruise / Anoushka”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 4th, 1978)

What a sad episode!

Seriously, this cruise is all about heart break.

For instance, when Russian Commissar Anoushka Mishancov (Loretta Swit) first boards the boat, Doc Bricker is upset when he’s assigned to keep an eye on her. As has been established over the previous 32 episodes, Doc prefers to spend his time talking to women who are about twenty years younger than him and who are from capitalist countries. Anoushka, on the other hand, is a communist (boo!) who, for some reason, is boarding the Pacific Princess so that she can learn about how Americans handle catering. (I said it was weird.) At first, Anoushka is so determined to do her duty that she insists on wearing her uniform at all times.

However, after Anoushka reveals that she does find old Doc Bricker to be a little bit intriguing, Julie tells her that she’s going to have to loosen up if she’s going to capture Doc’s attention. Which, Anoushka does at dinner that night….

Eyes up, Gopher!

Doc does notice Anoushka. In fact, he falls in love with her and, at the end of the cruise, he asks her to marry him! Anoushka confesses to having fallen in love with Doc but then she explains that she also loves her country. (Really? It’s just Russia.) Doc loves America and Anoushka loves Russia and, as a result, they cannot marry. Anouska leaves the ship and a heart-broken Doc looks like he’s actually about to cry. And let’s give credit where credit is due. It’s a really well-acted scene. Doc Bricker has always been a fairly ludicrous character but, in this episode, Bernie Kopell does a good job of suggesting that, even if he is a lecher, Doc Bricker is a lecher with a heart.

While Doc is falling in love with a commie, Captain Stubing is getting to know Vicki (Jill Whelan), the 9 year-old daughter of Captain Stubing’s former lover, the late Georgina (played, in flashbacks, by Melendy Britt). Vicki was originally supposed to travel with her aunt, Delores (Sandra Deel). However, something has come up and Delores will not be able to travel with her. Captain Stubing agrees to look after Vicki and even allows Vicki to stay in his quarters. Over the course of the cruise, Captain Stubing and Vicki bond. Everyone agrees that they have the same eyes. Of course, that’s because Vicki is actually Captain Stubing’s daughter!

Vicki wants to live on the ship but the Captain explains that a cruise ship is not a good place for a nine year-old to grow up. Stubing considers retiring and living on dry land but Doc Bricker reminds Stubing that he would never be happy if he wasn’t on the ocean. Stubing promises that Vicki can return to the boat whenever she has time off from school and he tells her that, when she gets older, she could even “be a cruise director, like Ms. McCoy.”

(In other words, don’t even think of trying to become a captain, girl!)

Now, of course, Vicki did later return to the ship. In fact, she returned just a year later and became a regular during the third season. I guess Captain Stubing decided that going to school on dry land wasn’t that important after all. (We’ll find out when we reach the third season!) That said, even with that in mind, it was undeniably sad to watch as Stubing sat in his cabin and struggled to hold back the tears after Vicki left the ship. Much like Bernie Kopell, Gavin MacLeod gave a surprisingly heartfelt and sincere performance in this episode.

It wasn’t all sadness

Luckily, it wasn’t all heartbreak on this episode. After getting drunk and boarding the boat by mistake, Sandy Beal (Jo Anne Worley) and Victor Marshall (Soupy Sales) fell in love for real. And jingle writer Charlie Godwin (Robert Goulet) ran into his old song-writing partner (Richard Dawson) and the two of them saved Charlie’s marriage to June (Juliet Mills). There were two happy endings but they were overshadowed by all the sadness.

This was a good episode. Even The Love Boat needs a little heartbreak every once and a while.

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 1.15 & 1.16 “The Eyes of Love / Masquerade / Hollywood Royalty / The Caper: Parts 1 & 2”

Posted on December 14, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week’s episode of The Love Boat is one of historical value so let’s climb aboard and get to it!

Episodes 1.15 & 1.16 “The Eyes of Love / Masquerade / Hollywood Royalty / The Caper: Parts 1 & 2”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on January 21st, 1978)

This is an important episode for two reasons.

First off, this episode marked the first time that the opening credits featured video of the guest stars along with their names. This was the only time that this was done during the first season, though it would become a regular feature of the show from the second season forward.

Secondly, excluding the three pilot films that aired before the series was ordered, this was the first super-sized two hour episode of The Love Boat. This episode is split into two parts when it airs in syndication, which is why it’s listed as being the 15th and the 16th episode of The Love Boat.

Oddly enough, despite all of that, it’s pretty much a standard episode. Usually, whenever a TV shows airs an extra-long episode, it’s because some important event is occurring. Usually, either someone’s getting married or someone’s leaving the show or maybe an actor died and the show needs an extra hour to pay tribute to them. In this case, though, it’s just a typical cruise of the love boat, complete with three separate stories and a lot of time spent looking at the ocean.

For instance, Roz Rogers (Michele Lee) and Bill Teague (Fernado Lamas) are a famous and glamorous Hollywood couple who book a voyage and who are followed all the way to the dock by the paparazzi. As quickly becomes clear, Bill and Roz’s relationship is not as perfect as the world believes. Still, Bill is convinced that their relationship can be fixed by Roz co-starring in an old-fashioned adventure film that he wrote. Along with having written the script, Bill hopes to direct, produce, and star in it. Roz is a bit skeptical but fear not, everything works out in the end and she finally convinces Bill that she loves him for him and not because he’s a star.

Roz boards the boat with not just Bill’s script but also a large and valuable diamond. A group of jewelry thieves follow her onto the boat, hoping to steal the diamond for themselves. Vernon (Howard Gould) is the arrogant leader of the group. Taffy (Karen Valentine) distracts Gopher, Doc, and the Captain by flirting with them. Elwood (Larry Storch) is the group’s technician. And Ox (John Schuck) is the muscle who tends to take things literally. When the first attempt to steal the jewel fails, Vernon disguises himself as Captain Stubing and Gavin MacLeod gets a chance to do something more than just look slightly annoyed by the crew. To be honest, I actually enjoyed the jewelry theft subplot far more than I was expecting. Gould, Valentine, Storch, and Schuck all seemed to be having fun playing off of each other. Plus, the whole story ended with a nice little twist that James Cameron would later use in Titanic.

(No, the Love Boat does not sink.)

While this is going on, a blind girl named Jenny (Stephanie Zimbalist) is stunned to discover that one of her former classmates, Steve (Desi Arnaz, Jr.), is also on the boat. Jenny and Steve fall in love but Steve has recently gotten back his sight and Jenny worries that he won’t want to spend the rest of his life with someone who can’t see. Fortunately, it turns out that Jenny’s wrong.

Finally, Alan (Dan Rowan) is horrified to discover that not only are both his wife (Juliet Mills) and his mistress (Adrienne Barbeau) on the cruise together but that they’ve become friends. Alan was an adulterous jerk so it was pretty difficult to really care about this story.

Again, it was pretty much a typical episode of The Love Boat, despite the extra length and the inclusion of a masquerade ball during the episode’s 2nd hour. That said, the thieves were funnier than they had any right to be and the Jenny/Steve storyline was sweet. The ocean scenery was lovely. That’s really all I ask from The Love Boat. This episode delivered.