Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

Posted on June 24, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, it’s zombie time!

Episode 6.20 “What’s The Matter With Kids/Island of Horror”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on April 16th, 1983)

Dr. Stuart Wharton (Steve Allen) is a tightass stick-in-the-mud who has come to Fantasy Island to give a lecture on how to raise the perfect child. His wife, Margaret (Jayne Meadows Allen), is sick of Dr. Wharton telling people how to live their lives and basically threatens to leave his condescending ass if he doesn’t allow her to adopt Andy (Justin Henry), who is not perfect but who is still better than any of the imaginary perfect children that Dr. Wharton has written and lectured about. This fantasy was predictable and kind of boring. Jayne Meadows Allen actually wrote the script so it’s interesting that the whole fantasy is basically her telling off her husband and accusing him of being a pompous jackass.

There is one interesting scene where Mr. Roarke talks about Stuart’s idea of the perfect child and the kid suddenly appears out of thin air. Mr. Roarke also makes the kid disappear. Mr. Roarke is all-powerful!

(So, you may be wondering, why Roarke doesn’t just use his God-like powers in every episode? I think he wants his guests to sometimes lean a lesson on their own. I always hate it when people try to make me learn something. Sorry, Roarke.)

Meanwhile Erica Nelson (Gayle Hunnicutt) goes to a neighboring island in search of her missing fiancé, Dr. Richard Yates (Christopher Connelly). Uh-oh! The Island’s controlled by a mad scientist named Dr. Christophe (Jared Martin)! And Dr. Christophe is into voodoo!

That’s right, there are zombies all over the place! And one of the zombies is Erica’s husband! Fortunately, it turns out that zombification is not a permanent condition and Erica is eventually able to cure her husband while the remaining zombies descend upon Dr. Christophe.

I liked this fantasy. The island was atmospheric and, by Fantasy Island standards, the zombies were actually pretty effective. The scene of them rising from their graves was surprisingly well-done and I also appreciated that Jared Martin totally embraced the melodrama in the role of Dr. Christophe. This fantasy also featured a great moment where Roarke appeared on the Island to inform Erica that the zombies were coming and then he promptly vanished. I love it when Roarke does that

(Of course, I don’t think that Erica was ever in any real danger. I mean, this episode established that Roarke can conjure people out of thin air. I’m sure he could have just snapped his fingers and made all the zombies vanish. But, in typical Roarke fashion, he wanted Erica to learn a lesson.)

The orphan fantasy was annoying but I like zombies! This was a good trip to the Island.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.25 “Burl of My Dreams/Meet the Author/Rhymes, Riddles, and Romance”

Posted on April 23, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, someone needs to call Family Services.

Episode 5.25 “Burl of My Dreams/Meet the Author/Rhymes, Riddles, and Romance”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 27th, 1982)

Poor Vicki!

Here she is, living on the Love Boat, surrounded by the middle-aged crew and the largely elderly passengers, and without a single friend her own age. (Seriously, how does Captain Stubing get away with this?) She’s excited when an old school friend, Scott Nelson (Rad Daly), boards the boat but Scott, being 14 and a boy, is totally clueless about the fact that 1) Vicki is no longer a tomboy and 2) Vicki totally has a crush on him.

Gopher sees that Vicki is upset so he tries to cheer her up by telling her that she deserves better than Scott and also sending her flowers. Gopher may have had good intention but now Vicki is convinced that she’s in love with Gopher and that Gopher is in love with her! Captain Stubing is not amused. And Vicki is also not amused when she overhears Gopher explaining that he was just trying to make Vicki feel better. And then she’s truly, truly unamused when Scott kisses her and then reveals that Gopher paid him to do so.

Seriously, poor Vicki! I relate to Vicki more than to Julie because I’ve never been a cruise director but I have been a teenager. I will never understand how the Captain is getting away with raising his daughter on a cruise ship. I can see where it would sometimes for fun for Vicki but doesn’t she miss having friends her own age? Doesn’t she wish she could explore something other than the Aloha Deck? This storyline once again reminded the viewer that Vicki really deserves a life on the mainland.

As for the other two stories, Paul Reese (Jared Martin) is a publishing executive who wants to sign an author named Gus Dolan (Alan Hale, Jr.). Gus is known for his tough crime novels. In order to get close to Gus, Paul strikes up a romance with Gus’s daughter, Kathy (Georgia Engel). Kathy is upset when she discovers that Paul works in publishing but, when Paul throws away the contact that he just got Gus to sign, she realizes that Paul does love her. And then Paul discovers that Kathy is the one who is actually writing Gus’s books. This storyline featured a good performance from Alan Hale, Jr. but there was next to zero romantic sparks between Jared Martin and Georgia Engel.

Meanwhile, Brian (Paul Williams) and Lenore (Joanna Pettet) searched the ship for a secret treasure and fell in love. Isaac’s cabin got ransacked twice. This was a pretty boring story and one of the biggest parts of it — Captain Stubing telling Brian and Lenore not to disturb anyone else’s cabin — took place off-screen.

So, this cruise left me feeling very sorry for Vicki and also for poor Gus Dolan. Vicki wants friends her own age. Gus wants to be a real writer. Not all dreams come true, even on the Love Boat.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 3.8 “Hot Wheels”

Posted on February 11, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

Last night’s review of CHiPs was pre-empted by a sudden storm. Here it is now, in its entirety,

Episode 3.8 “Hot Wheels”

(Dir by John Florea, originally aired on November 3rd, 1979)

Ponch is still in the hospital, recovering from last week’s accident. Still, because he’s Ponch, he’s the one who figures out that a bunch of disgruntled fireman are using city trucks to commit their jewelry thefts. Hey, wait a minute. Last week’s episode was also about jewelry thefts. Admittedly, CHiPs was a show that tended to recycle plots but, even by CHiPs standards, this is one of those coincidences that leaves you wondering what exactly was going on in the writer’s room.

Actually, it’s easy to guess. Erik Estrada really was injured while filming an episode. The cast that he wears throughout this episode was real and, as easy as it can be to make fun of his overexpressive acting and his tendency to lose his shirt every other scene, you do have to respect that Estrada showed to film this episode at all. With Estrada injured, one gets the feeling that this episode, just like last week’s, was quickly rewritten to cover the situation.

Baker gets a temporary partner in this episode. It’s the return of his former motorcycle mate, John Clayton! Clayton was apparently Baker’s partner before Ponch. Clayton has a reputation for being a practical joker, It’s all anyone can talk about. Clayton is a legendary prankster! They really want us to know that Clayton’s a fun guy before he shows up and we discover that he’s played by Andrew Robinson, the actor who is best-known for playing the Scorpio Killer in Dirty Harry. Robinson wears a mustache as Clayton, probably in an attempt to keep 1979 audiences from looking at the screen and going, “Hey, I remember that guy hijacking a school bus!”

(I should mention that Andrew Robinson himself was a committed pacifist when he filmed Dirty Harry, to the extent that he actually flinched whenever he had to shoot the killer’s gun and he actually traumatized himself while filming the school bus hijack. He actually sounds like a pretty nice guy who just happened to play one of the most loathsome screen villains of all time.)

Baker works with Clayton and it must be said that Larry Wilcox does seem to be noticeably happier when he’s acting opposite Robinson than he ever did when he was acting opposite Estrada. The episode features Clayton performing a heroic and dangerous rescue at one point and it’s easy to see that that scene was originally conceived with Estrada in mind. It’s also easy to imagine Estrada flashing his big grin at the end of the scene while Robinson, on the other hand, plays up the fact that anyone, even a dedicated cop, would be absolutely exhausted after all that.

Robinson does a good job as Clayton and it’s always fun to see Martin Kove play a villain on show like this. This was a good episode. Estrada, I assume, will be back on his bike next week.

Guilty Pleasure No. 64: Karate Warrior (dir by Fabrizio De Angelis)

Posted on September 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smfvJ_EYHNM&t=25s&pp=ygUWa2FyYXRlIHdhcnJpb3IgdHJhaWxlcg%3D%3D

“Oh, come on,” I said last week, “this is a perfectly fine film.”

I was saying that because I was watching the 1987 film, Karate Warriors, with a group of friends. They felt that it was a largely pointless film that didn’t really have much of a plot. I felt that it was an interesting piece of history, seeing as how it was an Italian rip-off of The Karate Kid that was made by several associates of Lucio Fulci. And while Fulci himself wasn’t involved with the film, the scene where the lead character, young Anthony Scott (Kim Rossi Stuart), is savagely beaten up with the bad guys is so unnecessarily bloody that it feels like an homage to Fulci if nothing else. The scene, which makes this rip-off of The Karate Kid too graphic for the film’s target audience, really does epitomize everything that made the Italian exploitation industry so memorable.

Teenager Anthony Scott is in the Philippines so he can visit his father (Jared Martin, who starred in Fulci’s Warriors of the Year 2072), a journalist who is apparently in semi-hiding because of a series of articles that he wrote that exposed government corruption. (Don’t worry too much about the father’s backstory because it doesn’t really play any sort of role in the film.) Anthony runs afoul of the local teenage crime lord, Quino (Enrico Torralba). Quino is not only running a protection racket but he’s also the local karate champion. When Anthony stands up to Quino, he gets beaten up and Anthony’s girlfriend, Maria (Janelle Barretto), nearly loses her home when Quino’s gang sets it on fire. The half-dead Anthony is discovered by Master Kimura (Ken Watanabe — no, not that Ken Watanabe). Master Kimura takes Anthony into the forest and teaches him the “Stroke of the Dragon.” One montage later, Anthony is ready to enter the local karate tournament and take on Quino. For some reason, it never occurs to Anthony to let his father know that he’s now living with Master Kimura so, while Anthony is training, his father and his mother (Janet Agren, who co-starred in Fulci’s City of the Living Dead) are desperately searching for him in Manila.

Karate Warrior is only 84 minutes long and, for reasons that are not quite clear, Anthony’s training and the final tournament are all crammed into the film’s final 20 minutes. Before that, the film is a travelogue of Anthony wandering around Manila, getting conned by nearly everyone that he meets, and trying to flirt with Maria. So yes, the film is a bit plotless but I found the film’s meandering spirit to be a bit charming. It’s rare to see a film that’s so honest about only having 20 minutes worth of plot. The English language version also has the extra treat of some really bad dubbing. At one point, it sounds as if a totally different actor took over dubbing Anthony. The cheerful of ineptness of it all was rather likable.

The film was directed by Fabrizio De Angelis, who produced Fulci’s Beyond trilogy. My friends may have disliked it but the film was a big enough of a success in Italy that it led to 6 sequels. I can’t wait to watch every one of them!

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Italian Horror Showcase: Aenigma (dir by Lucio Fulci)

Posted on October 11, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

If there’s anything be learned from 1988’s Aenigma …. well, actually, that might be giving the film too much credit. There’s probably nothing to learn from Aenigma. The film does start with a pretty cruel prank and that prank leads to some snail-related mayhem but really, you should have already learned the truth about pranks after Carrie burned down the prom.

The prank involves the cruel girls at St. Mary’s boarding school tricking their classmate, Kathy (Milijana Zirojevic), into thinking that she’s on a date with a gym teacher (Riccardo Acerbi) and then jumping out of the shadows and surprising her when Kathy and the teacher start making out in his car. This leads to a humiliated Kathy running out into the middle of traffic, where she’s promptly hit by a car and goes into a coma. While everyone agrees that sucks for Kathy, at least it means that no one will ever know the truth about the prank.

Then people start dying.

They die in a variety of weird ways and since only the people involved with the prank are the ones being targeted, it doesn’t take much effort to guess that the comatose Kathy is probably involved. It also doesn’t take much effort to guess that the newest student at the school, Eva (Lara Lamberti), has been possessed by Kathy and is mostly just hanging around to make sure that everyone’s dead.

What’s weird is that, in her coma, Kathy has so many different powers that you have to wonder why exactly she needed to possess Eva. For instance, the gym teacher is strangled when his own reflection jumps out of a mirror. One of the girls is killed when a statue in a museum suddenly comes to life and attacks her. Yet another girl is somehow killed by snails.

Yes, you read that right. She wakes up to discover that she’s covered in snails and this leads to her dying. Aenigma is regularly criticized for the scene with snails. “Why didn’t she just get out of bed and take a shower or something?” many a commentator has asked. I guess they have a point but, honestly, if I woke up and there were a few hundred snails on me, I would totally freak out.

Apparently, the main reason that Eva’s there is so she can try to seduce Kathy’s handsome doctor (Jared Martin) but the doctor is more interested in Jenny Clark (Ulli Reinthaler), who was involved in the prank but who, unlike everyone else, felt really bad about it afterward. I’m sure that would lead to any complications….

There’s kind of a sad story behind this rather forgettable if occasionally entertaining horror film. After making horror history by directing films like Zombi 2 and The Beyond, director Lucio Fulci entered into a career decline. Struggling with ill-health and having had a falling out with some of his former collaborators, Fulci found himself working with lower budgets and less interesting premises. That’s certainly the case with Aenigma, which was shot in Sarajevo with a largely unknown cast and which blatantly ripped off the plots of Carrie and Patrick.

Aenigma has got a terrible reputation among fans of Italian horror. Personally, I think it’s a very flawed film but I also think that it’s not quite as bad as some have made it out to be. I mean, the snails are ludicrous but they’re also so weird that you can’t help but kind of love it when they show up. For that matter, the coach being killed by his own reflection and the scene where the statue come to life are clever ideas, even if their execution leaves something to be desired. Even in his later years, Fulci still had his talent. Unfortunately, when it came to films like Aenigma, he rarely had the resources necessary to truly make his vision come to life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDKeBOk9bL4

Sci-Fi Film Review: Warriors of The Year 2072 (dir by Lucio Fulci)

Posted on December 7, 2015 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Before The Hunger Games…

Before The Purge…

There was…oh wait, does this sound familiar? Did you just read those two lines and get hit by a sudden feeling of déjà vu? Well, that might be because I used those exact same lines to start my review of the 1965 Italian sci-fi film, The Tenth Victim.

They’re still applicable for this review though. In many ways, the 1984 film Warriors of the Year 2072 (a.k.a. The New Gladiators) is a loose remake of The Tenth Victim. (I imagine some critics would say it’s more of a rip-off than a remake. What you label it will probably depend on how much tolerance you have for Italian exploitation films in general.) Of course, Warriors of the Year 2072 draws inspiration from more than just The Tenth Victim. A Clockwork Orange, Escape From New York, the Mad Max films, Blade Runner; bits and pieces from all of them show up here.

Even if you didn’t already know it, you might be able to guess that this film was directed by Lucio Fulci. The film features Fulci regulars Al Cliver (of Zombi 2 fame) and Howard Ross (of New York Ripper fame) in supporting roles. Cinzia Monreale, who had her throat ripped apart in Fulci’s The Beyond, appears in a cameo in which she again has her throat ripped apart. (Actually, she just hallucinates having her throat ripped apart and is seen alive afterward, as if Fulci himself is saying, “See, it’s all just film trickery. Nobody really gets hurt in my movies.”) Finally, and most obviously, a character graphically loses an eye. It’s simply not a Fulci film without some sort of graphic ocular trauma.

The film also features a theme that would show up in a lot of Fulci’s post-New York Ripper works. Warriors of the Year 2072 is about the role of violent entertainment in both maintaining and destroying society. Which is not to say that the film really has that much to say about it. Thematically, Warriors of the Year 2072 is all surface level but those themes are still present.

As for the film itself, it takes place in the year 2072, so at least the title is being honest with us. The world is now run by competing television networks. The American television network has the highest rated show: Kill Bike, in which men on motorcycles battle to the death. Cortez (Claudio Cassinelli), the program director for Rome-based WBS-TV, is ordered by the station’s owner, the mysterious Sam, to come up with a program that will be more popular than Kill Bike. At first, Cortez tries to put on a show called The Danger Game, where people are forced to hallucinate dying in violent ways. When that show fails to beat Kill Bike, Cortez decided to just rip-off Kill Bike…

And let’s just stop a moment to point out the obvious. Neither The Danger Game nor Kill Bike would feel at all out-of-place on television today. Remember Fear Factor? How different is The Danger Game from that old show?

Anyway, Cortez’s new show is basically Kill Bike with a twist. The motorcycle combat will now take place in the Roman coliseum and the contestants will all be convicted murderers awaiting execution. Fortunately, the very popular star of Kill Bike — Drake (Jared Martin) — has recently been convicted of murder! It’s convenient how that worked out…

As we discover through the magic of slow motion flashbacks, Drake was returning home one night when he discovered that his wife had been murdered by three young men who all appeared to be doing a bad impersonation of Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange. The three men were then murdered and Drake was convicted. However, Drake insists that he’s innocent and, even when confronted by laughing hallucinations of the three men, he refuses to attack them.

Could it be that someone is framing Drake? Of course! But why…

Well, before we find out the answer to that, we watch as Drake is brought to the coliseum and is trained in gladiatorial battle. He immediately makes an enemy out of the head guard, the sadistic Raven (Howard Ross, who is hilariously over-the-top). He also bonds with the other gladiators, one of whom is named Abdul. Abdul is played by Fred Williamson, largely because it’s not a mid-80s Italian sci-fi dystopia without Fred Williamson.

Warriors of The Year 2072 cannot compare to Fulci at his best. This is no Zombi 2 or The House By The Cemetery. At the same time, it’s definitely better than most of the films that Fulci made after The New York Ripper. Fulci was a supreme stylist and, as a result, Warriors of the Year 2072 is always watchable. Even when you don’t have the slightest idea what’s going on, you still can’t quite bring yourself to look away. Yes, the special effects are nothing special. And yes, it’s obvious that futuristic Rome was just a miniature set. But the cheapness of the film gives it an odd charm. It’s the cheapest future imaginable and somehow, it actually feels appropriate. Why do we always assume the future will be sleek and shiny? Maybe it’ll look like cardboard, like in Warriors Of The Year 2072!

Warriors of the Year 2072 is a campy, frequently silly, and oddly entertaining look at the future of the human race. If you’re a Fulci fan or a lover of Italian exploitation cinema, track it down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_YyJm5KyhM

Embracing the Melodrama #34: The Lonely Lady (dir by Peter Sasdy)

Posted on July 7, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

“I guess I’m not the only who has had to fuck her way to the top!” — Jerilee Randall (Pia Zadora), accepting an award at The Awards Ceremony in The Lonely Lady (1983)

When I first started doing research on which movies were worthy of being considered for inclusion in this series about embracing the melodrama, I had no idea that it would eventually lead to me watching the worst film ever made.

However, that is exactly what happened. 1983’s The Lonely Lady is without a doubt the worst film that I have ever seen. Normally, this is where I would say that the film is entertaining specifically because it is so bad but no, this movie just terrible. Is it so bad that its good? No, it’s just bad. Is it one of those films that you simply have to see to believe? Well, that depends on how much faith you have in God. Does the film at least have a curiosity value? Well, maybe. As bad as you think this movie may be, it’s even worse.

Seriously, to say this film is a piece of crap is to do a disservice to crap.

The Lonely Lady tells the story of Jerilee Randall (Pia Zadora, who also played the girl martian in the classic Santa Claus Conquers the Martian), an aspiring writer who learns about the dark side of Hollywood. The movie opens with Jerilee graduating from Valley High School and receiving a special prize for being the school’s most promising English major. Now, from the very beginning, we run into several issues. Number one, Pia looks way too old to be in high school and the fact that they decided to put her hair in pig tails doesn’t change the fact. Number two, Pia Zadora is even less convincing as a writer than she was as a girl martian.

At the graduation party, Joe (played by Ray Liotta, of all people) violates Jerilee with a garden hose, in an amazingly ugly scene that pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the film. No longer an innocent optimist, Jerilee moves out to Hollywood where she ends up married to award-winning screenwriter Walter Thornton (Lloyd Bochner). When she secretly helps Walter rewrite his latest script (she replaces a long monologue with two lines of dialogue: “Why!? Why!?”), Walter grows jealous and starts to taunt her by holding up a garden hose. Jerilee and Walter divorce and Jerilee ends up sleeping with everyone else in Hollywood in an attempt to get a screenplay of her own produced. Eventually, this leads to Jerilee having a nervous breakdown in which the keys of her typewriter are replaced with the accusatory faces of everyone in her life…

Bleh! You know what? Describing this plot is probably making The Lonely Lady sound a lot more interesting than it actually is. Imagine if Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls was meant to be taken seriously and you have a pretty good idea what The Lonely Lady is like.

Furthermore, I’ve seen a lot of films that claim to be about writers. Occasionally, we get lucky and the writer is played be an actor who you could actually imagine writing something worth reading. (Perhaps the best recent example would be Paul Dano, who was completely believable as a critically acclaimed writer in Ruby Sparks.) However, most of the time, we end up with actors who you can hardly imagine having the either the discipline or the intellectual ability to write anything worth reading. And then, in the case of The Lonely Lady, we get Pia Zadora who is not only unbelievable as a writer but also as a human being as well. Watching her performance, you’re shocked that she can remember to breathe from minute to minute, much less actually write anything longer than her first name.

I know it’s a pretty big claim to say that one movie is the worst ever made. So, feel free to watch The Lonely Lady and then let me know if you agree.

(Be warned — this movie is NSFW and generally sucks.)