Tag Archives: Film

Artwork of the Day: Blood Freak

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

blood-freak

Today’s artwork of the day has a Thanksgiving theme!

Now, it may not be obvious from looking at the poster above but 1972’s Blood Freak is a film that is uniquely suited for today’s holiday.  What’s the film about?  Well, in short, it’s about a kinda beefy dumb guy who gets a job working at a turkey farm.  He spends all of his time surrounded by turkeys.  Well, except for the time that he spends smoking dope!

That’s right — marijuana!  The weed with roots in Hell!

He takes a few hits off a joint and, when next he awakes, he discovers that he has been transformed into a blood-thirsty monster that has the body of a man and the head of a turkey!

No, this movie is not a comedy.  At least not intentionally.  However, it is a classic.  And so is the poster! Needless to say, the woman on the poster never appears in the film but the artist, whoever he was, did an excellent job of capturing the essence of the turkey monster.

The only unfortunate thing about the poster is that it doesn’t include a picture of the narrator.  That’s right, Blood Freak has a narrator.  He pops up randomly through the film, sitting behind a desk and smoking a cigarette.  At one point, his narration is interrupted by a sudden coughing fit.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Happy birthday, Erin Nicole!

(And if you want to read more about Blood Freak, check out my review here!)

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #12: Day of Reckoning (dir by Joel Novoa)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

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The next film that I watched off of the DVR was Day of Reckoning, a film that premiered on the SyFy network on October 8th.

Day of Reckoning was one of the handful of films that premiered as a part of SyFy’s 31 Days of Halloween.  There was a time when the SyFy network used to air a new film every week.  That was a golden age for those of us who enjoy live tweeting and snarking online.  Unfortunately, it would appear that the network made a change in their business model and SyFy drastically cut back on the number of original films that they produced and/or bought each year.  Now, if you want to see an original film premiere on SyFy, you either have to wait for Shark Week or October.  It’s unfortunate but that’s the way things are.

This year, it seemed as if almost all of SyFy’s October premieres were essentially remakes of It Follows.  Day of Reckoning is unique because it went the opposite route.  In no way is this film a rip-off of It Follows.

Instead, it’s more of a rip-off of The Purge: Anarchy.

16 years ago, during an eclipse, Earth was attacked by a pack of dogs from Hell.  That’s not just me being overdramatic.  Fissures literally formed in the ground and these dogs sprang out from the depths of Hell.  For 24 hours, the hellhounds terrorized and killed.  And then, much like a wealthy, mask-wearing murderer at the end of the annual Purge, they just vanished.  Naturally, the survivors built barriers over the fissures and hoped that the dogs would never return.  But now, another eclipse is approaching and some people are terrified that it’s going to happen again.

And you know what?

Those people are right.

Day of Reckoning follows one family and their effort to get to safety during the canine apocalypse.  The father (Jackson Hurst) is still feeling guilty for not being home when the dogs first showed up.  He’s determined not to fail his family for a second time.  His wife (Heather McComb), meanwhile, just wants a divorce and his teenage son (Jay Jay Warren) just wants to hang out with his girlfriend.

Fortunately, a crazy uncle is coming to the rescue!  Crazy Uncle Ted (Raymond J. Barry) has built an underground bunker and he’s invited the family to come join him and his wife (Barbara Crampton).  However, the family first has to reach the shelter and that’s going to mean dealing with not only dogs but a lot of stupid people as well.  You know how that goes.  Can the family survive 24 hours of hellhound purging?

Crazy Uncles have been getting blamed for a lot lately.  As of right now, you can go to about a hundred different sites and find all sorts of guides for how to talk to your crazy uncle during Thanksgiving.  Apparently, the solution is to repeat tired soundbites.  Personally, I would think a better solution would be not to worry about it and just enjoy your holiday but what the Hell do I know?  With the character of Ted, Day of Reckoning pays tribute to the occasional wisdom of the crazy uncle and therefore, it’s essential Thanksgiving viewing.

Beyond that, Day of Reckoning is pretty much a typical SyFy film.  It’s a bit more serious than most but, ultimately, it follows the same pattern.  A group of characters have to get from one location to another without getting killed by a paranormal threat.  It won’t take you by surprise but Raymond J. Barry and Barbara Crampton are both well-cast and, if you’re a fan of SyFy movies, you’ll probably enjoy Day of Reckoning.

OH MY GOD!!!! Here’s The Trailer for Silence!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s here!  The trailer for Silence here!

Silence is one of the most anticipated films of 2016.  Directed by Martin Scorsese, it tells the epic story of three Jesuits in Japan.  Reportedly, Scorsese has been trying to get this film made since at least 1996.

For a while, of course, there was some doubt as to whether or not Silence would even be done in time for 2016.  In fact, it looked like the film might get pushed back to 2017 and, as a result, would fall out of Oscar contention.

If this story sounds familiar, it’s because the same thing nearly happened to Scorsese’s last film, The Wolf of Wall Street.

Will Silence have the same Oscar success as Wolf of Wall Street?  It’s hard to say.  The subject matter could be a hard sell.  I’m excited about it but then again, I love Scorsese and I come from a culturally Catholic background.  Will non-Catholics who love Michael Bay be as excited about Silence as I am?

Who knows?  To be honest, the trailer is full of striking images but I find myself wondering if this is going to be one of those visually impressive but emotionally detached films, the type that you respect more than you enjoy.

Watch the trailer below and decide for yourself!

Artwork of the Day: They Call Her One Eye

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

they-call-her-one-eye

They call her One Eye.

Of course, her name was originally Frigga.  It was only after she was kidnapped, forced into prostitution, and had her eye removed as a punishment that Frigga became known as One Eye.

And, in much the same way, They Call Her One Eye was originally known as Thriller, A Cruel Picture.  It was a Swedish picture, a feminist-themed revenge flick that had been banned for both its brutal violence and its explicit sexual content.  In 1974, when American International Pictures brought Thriller to America, they cut out the hardcore sex scenes, left the violence untouched, and gave the film a new name: They Call Her One Eye.

They also came up with the absolutely brilliant artwork seen above!  Even if They Call Her One Eye wasn’t one of the best and most subversive grindhouse films ever made, it would still deserve a place of honor just because of this poster.

It’s a classic in every sense of the word.

(And after looking at the poster, why not check out this list of Arleigh’s nine favorite revenge films?)

 

Here Are The Independent Spirit Award Nominations!

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

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Before I forget, The Independent Spirit Award Nominations were announced earlier today!  In a year that has yet to see a Spotlight, a Mad Max, or even a Big Short, the Oscar race remains undeniably murky.  Maybe the Spirit nominations will help to clarify things.

(Sad to say but I haven’t seen most of the films that were nominated.  They’ve either just opened down here in Dallas or they’ll be opening next month.  So, you’ll have to forgive me if I can’t provide much commentary beyond saying that I look forward to seeing and reviewing them all for myself!)

(I will say, however, that I’m happy to see that American Honey was nominated because, even though I missed seeing the film, it’s directed Andrea Arnold.  Arnold’s previous film, Fish Tank, is pretty much one of my essential movies.)

Here are the nominees!

BEST PICTURE
“American Honey”
“Chronic”
“Jackie”
“Manchester by the Sea”
“Moonlight”

BEST DIRECTOR
Andrea Arnold, “American Honey”
Barry Jenkins, “Moonlight”
Pablo Larraín, “Jackie”
Jeff Nichols, “Loving”
Kelly Reichardt, “Certain Women”

BEST ACTOR
Casey Affleck, “Manchester by the Sea”
David Harewood, “Free In Deed”
Viggo Mortensen, “Captain Fantastic”
Jesse Plemons, “Other People”
Tim Roth, “Chronic”

BEST ACTRESS
Annette Bening, “20th Century Women”
Isabelle Huppert, “Elle”
Sasha Lane, “American Honey”
Ruth Negga, “Loving”
Natalie Portman, “Jackie”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Ralph Fiennes,  “A Bigger Splash”
Ben Foster, “Hell or High Water”
Lucas Hedges, “Manchester by the Sea”
Shia LaBeouf, “American Honey”
Craig Robinson, “Morris from America”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Edwina Findley, “Free In Deed”
Paulina Garcia, “Little Men”
Lily Gladstone, “Certain Women”
Riley Keough, “American Honey”
Molly Shannon, “Other People”

BEST SCREENPLAY
“Hell or High Water”
“Little Men”
“Manchester by the Sea”
“Moonlight”
“20th Century Women”

BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY
Ava Berkofsky, “Free In Deed”
Lol Crawley,”The Childhood of a Leader”
Zach Kuperstein,”The Eyes of My Mother”
James Laxton,”Moonlight”
Robbie Ryan,”American Honey”

BEST FILM EDITING
Matthew Hannam,”Swiss Army Man”
Jennifer Lame,” Manchester by the Sea”
Joi McMillon, Nat Sanders, “Moonlight”
Jake Roberts, “Hell or High Water”
Sebastián Sepúlveda, “Jackie”

BEST DOCUMENTARY
“13th”
“Cameraperson”
“I Am Not Your Negro”
“O.J.: Made in America”
“Sonita”
“Under the Sun”

BEST INTERNATIONAL PICTURE
“Aquarius” (Brazil)
“Chevalier” (Greece)
“My Golden Days” (France)
“Toni Erdmann” (Germany and Romania)
“Under the Shadow” (Iran and U.K.)

BEST FIRST FEATURE
“The Childhood of a Leader”
“The Fits”
“Other People”
“Swiss Army Man”
“The Witch”

BEST FIRST SCREENPLAY
“Barry”
“Christine”
“Jean of the Joneses”
“Other People”
“The Witch”

JOHN CASSAVETES AWARD (best feature made for under $500,000)
“Free In Deed”
“Hunter Gatherer”
“Lovesong”
“Nakom”
“Spa Night”

The_Witch_poster

Cleaning Out the DVR Yet Again #11: 400 Days (dir by Matt Osterman)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

400-days

I recorded 400 Days off of the SyFy channel on November 6th.  Apparently, it got a very brief theatrical run earlier in the year.  Yeah, I don’t remember it either…

400 Days stars Dane Cook as an astronaut!?  Oh my God, that sounds like a formula for intergalactic, kinda-edgy-but-not-really wackiness!  Oh, and this film features Dane and three other astronauts locked in a simulator for 400 Days!?  Wow, I bet Dane will be driving them crazy with all sorts of wacky frat boy antics!

Well, no, not quite.  400 Days is actually an extremely serious film, one that doesn’t seem to have much use for what the rest of us would call humor.  In anticipation of future exploration of space, NASA arranges for four astronauts to be put into an underground bunker for 400 days.  The idea is that they’ll be able to study the effects of complete isolation and confinement but, naturally, things soon start to get weird.

For instance, Dvorack (that would be Dane Cook’s role) is this alpha male who is kind of a jerk and he’s always throwing his weight around and giving orders and looking down on his more scientifically inclined colleagues.  At one point, Dvorack stares at himself in a mirror and imagines his face falling apart.  AGCK!

And then there’s Bug (Ben Feldman), who is an emotionally unstable scientist who is still struggling to deal with being separated from his son.  (His son may be dead.  There’s a scene in a hospital but I’m not sure if it was a flashback or a hallucination or what.)  Bug is soon locking himself away in his room and drawing a maze on the wall.  Maybe he’s mad because everyone keeps calling him Bug.  It’s not a flattering nickname.

And then there’s Captain Cooper (Brandon Routh) and Dr. McTier (Caity Lotz).  Cooper and McTier used to go out but then they broke up two weeks before the start of the experiment.  Wow, that sounds like a formula for awkward relationship comedy!  Just wait until Dane Cook starts flirting with McTier and snarkily challenging Cooper’s authority…

Oh wait — sorry.  This is a serious movie.   A very serious movie.

https://twitter.com/ItsMeKarenMarie/status/795099528160575488

Anyway, after about two weeks in the bunker, the four astronauts hear a loud explosion above them.  Has something happened on the outside!?  Or is it just a part of the experiment?

And then, 300+ days later, an emaciated man emerges from an air vent!  Finally convinced that something has happened on the outside, the four astronauts leave the bunker and discover that the Earth is a now a dark and windy place that is covered with dust.  There’s a dilapidated town nearby.  It’s apparently run by a mysterious man named Zell (Tom Cavanagh as the most unlikely war lord since Hugh Grant showed up in Cloud Atlas).

But again — is this real or is this just a part of the experiment?

It’s an intriguing question but I’m going to warn you not to expect an answer.  While I don’t want to spoil the film for anyone, I do feel like I have an obligation to let you know that this film ends on a note of very deliberate ambiguity.  It’s the exact type of ending that tends to get on people’s nerves.  As I watched 400 Days off of my DVR, I did a twitter search to find out what some of my friends thought about this film when it originally aired.

https://twitter.com/ggfletcher/status/795099413098229761

With all that in mind, I will now cautiously admit that I didn’t hate 400 Days.  While I thought the execution left a lot to be desired, I kind of liked the idea behind the film.  The problem with the film’s ending was not that it was ambiguous as much as it hadn’t really earned the right to be ambiguous.  If you’re going to go with an open ending, you have to provide enough clues and details that the audience can still have an opinion about what actually happened after the end credits rolled.  As oppose to something like Inception or Upstream Color, 400 Days didn’t really didn’t build up to its enigmatic conclusion.  Unearned ambiguity just feels like narrative laziness.

That said, I liked the design of the bunker and, as I said before, I liked the idea of watching these four characters trying to figure out what’s real and what’s a hallucination.  Dane Cook did okay with his role, though ultimately he was still just Dane Cook trying to be serious.  However, Brandon Routh and Caity Lotz did well, despite both being saddled with rather underdeveloped roles.

400 Days wasn’t that terrible…

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #10: The World’s Greatest Sinner (dir by Timothy Carey)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

the-worlds-greatest-sinner-2

As I continued to clean out my DVR, I decided to take a break from watching Lifetime films and, instead, I watched a movie that I recorded off of TCM on October 30th.

Filmed in 1962 but apparently never given an official theatrical release, The World’s Greatest Sinner is a genuine oddity and one that everyone should see at least once.  The infamously eccentric character actor Timothy Carey wrote, directed, and starred as Clarence Hilliard, a small-town insurance salesman who, one day, decides to quit his job and … well, your guess is as good as mine as to what he’s doing or why he’s doing it.  Here’s what I can tell you for sure: after stumbling across a concert and seeing how excited everyone is over rock and roll music, Clarence decides to become a street preacher.  While standing on bags of fertilizer, Clarence preaches that everyone is God and that everyone can live forever.

At first, Clarence faces persecution for his beliefs but soon, he has a loyal cult following.  He funds his new church by seducing elderly widows and he even becomes a rock star himself.  At first, he’s held back by his lack of facial hair but then he starts to wear a fake goatee.  He even changes his name to God Hilliard and, while he may have alienated his family, he is now loved by young people everywhere.  In fact, in a remarkably icky scene, we find out that the 40-something God now has a 14 year-old girlfriend.

God Hilliard is so popular that he’s approached by a shadowy figure who suggests that maybe he should run for President.  As the candidate for the Eternal Man Party, God gives ranting speeches that are listening to by his rabid fans, the majority of whom are now wearing arm bands with the letter “F” on them.  (F for Faust, perhaps?  Or F for Fake, as Orson Welles might argue.)  At first, the press ignores God but God runs as an outsider, giving speeches in which he promises to do away with the establishment and return the government to the people and … well, let’s just say that this film, which was obviously designed to be an over the top satire, now feels more than a little prophetic.

It looks like God Hilliard is about to become the most powerful man in the free world but the other God — the one who is vengeful and jealous and capable of throwing lightning bolts and all that — might have other plans….

(Incidentally, this entire story is told in 77 minutes, which should give you some clue of just how frantically paced The World’s Greatest Sinner is.)

Oh my God (not, not you Clarence), this is a weird film.  It’s shocking today so I can only imagine how it must have looked to audiences in 1962.  (Or, I should say, how it would have looked if it had actually been given a theatrical release.)  Admittedly, The World’s Greatest Sinner is a ragged film, full of haphazard editing and occasionally inconsistent sound.  Made for just $90,000, its low budget is obvious in almost every scene.  And yet, all of this works to the film’s advantage.  The World’s Greater Sinner literally feels like a cinematic dream, with its inconsistencies contributing to its otherworldly feel.  This is one of those films that you need to see at least once because you’ll probably never see another one like it.

The entire film is a Timothy Carey production.  He wrote, produced, directed, and starred, creating an indie film at a time when being independent was something more than just a trendy buzzword. If you’re into classic films — and particularly if you’re a fan of Stanley Kubrick’s early work — you might recognize Carey.  He was one of those legendary character actors who was always called upon whenever a movie needed a memorable crazy or an intimidating henchman.  From what I’ve read, Carey was reportedly as eccentric as the characters that he played.  His performance in The World’s Great Sinner swings back and forth between being histrionic and being surprisingly subtle, often in the same scene.  The same can be said of his direction.  For every uneven or poorly lit scene, there’s another that’s artfully composed and full of surprising detail.

The World’s Greatest Sinner is simply something that has to be seen to believed.

the-worlds-greatest-sinner

 

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #9: Inspired To Kill (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Wednesday, November 30th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

itk

Wow, it’s Antonio Sabato, Jr. again!

That’s right, Inspired To Kill co-stars Antonio Sabato, Jr.  Interestingly enough, the previous movie that I watched in my effort to clean out the DVR, Remote Paradise, also co-starred Antonio Sabato, Jr.   Also interestingly enough, both Inspired to Kill and Remote Paradise feature Sabato playing an enigmatic, older man who has an affair with a lonely and insecure woman.  In both films, it turns out that Sabato is not exactly who he first appears to be.  (If you want, feel free to insert your own joke about Sabato endorsing Donald Trump here because I’m too lazy to come up with one.)  Perhaps not coincidentally, both films were directed by Michael Feifer and both films premiered on the Lifetime Movie Network.

(For the record, I recorded Inspired To Kill off of LMN on November 13th.)

Inspired To Kill tells the story of Kara (Karissa Lee Staples), a self-described aspiring writer who is recovering from a personal trauma.  (Her boyfriend was murdered, which is definitely one way to get out of a relationship.)  Having fled the painful memories of her former life in New York City, Kara is now living in Los Angeles and everything should be perfect….

Except, it’s not!

Yes, Kara may be living in L.A. but everyone knows that, if you want to be a real writer, you have to live in NYC.

Yes, Kara has been accepted into a prestigious creative writing program but her professor (Jay Pickett) is a total sleaze who keeps trying to hit on her.

Yes, Kara has managed to land a job as a barista but her boss (Daniel Booko) is a demanding jerk.  He even gets upset when she misses work for several days in a row.

Yes, Kara has met the cute and charming Jason (Matthew Atkinson) but Jason sometimes seems oddly hesitant about pursuing a relationship with her.  (Plus, Jason wants to be a lawyer, which means that, when the revolution does come, he might be on the wrong side.)

Yes, Kara is renting a room from the fun-loving Charlie (Olivia d’Abo) but Charlie is also a heavy drinker and can be a bit self-absorbed.  Charlie’s solution to every problem is to go out, get drunk, and pick up a college student … actually, Charlie might have the right idea…

And yes, Kara has finally managed to meet her idol, the true crime writer P.K. Reese (Antonio Sabato, Jr) but there seems to be something a little bit off about him.  He’s supportive of her as a writer but, at the same time, he gets upset if anyone other than him reads her work.  He says that he wants to meet her friends and yet, he goes out of his way to avoid them.  And when more and more people in her life start to suddenly die, Kara finds herself wondering if maybe her new lover was somehow involved…

You’re probably thinking that you’ve got Inspired To Kill all figured out but there’s a big twist that occurs towards the end of the film.  Now, I have to admit that I figured out the twist, largely because I’ve seen so many Lifetime films that it is now basically impossible to fool me.  But, even with that in mind, the twist was still pretty clever and actually, a lot of fun in its wonderfully implausible way.  I mean, if you’re expecting the twist to actually make any sense than you have no business watching a Lifetime movie in the first place.  Don’t worry about logic.  Just sit back and enjoy the film.

Anyway, I rather liked Inspired To Kill.  It’s an enjoyable and well-acted little thriller, one that will keep you entertained.  It’s the type of unapologetically crazed and lurid melodrama that reminds me why I fell in love with the Lifetime Movie Network in the first place.  Inspired To Kill is a lot of fun.  Keep an eye out for it!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #160: Nightmare Wedding (dir by Jose Montesinos)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Last night, in between wrapping birthday presents and eating dinner, I watched the latest Lifetime premiere, Nightmare Wedding!

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Why Was I Watching It?

It all started a little over 6 years ago when Arleigh asked me if I’d like to review movies for the Shattered Lens.  When I said yes, that meant I was promising to watch and review as many movies as possible.  If I hadn’t watched and reviewed Nightmare Wedding, I would be breaking my promise to Arleigh!

Add to that, Nightmare Wedding was a Lifetime film and I love Lifetime films!  And let’s be honest — how can you not watch something called Nightmare Wedding?  That’s a great title!

What Was It About?

After six years of dating, Max (Isaac Reyes) and Sandy (Nicola Posener) are finally getting married!  However, there’s a bit of a problem: Max’s friend, Roman (Evan Henderson), suddenly shows up for the ceremony.  Before she got together with Max. Sandy briefly dated Roman.  Now, she hates Roman.  Her family hates Roman.  He friends hate Roman.  Everyone hates Roman except for Max!

For his part, Roman is still in love with Sandy and he’s obsessed with both stopping the wedding and winning her back.  And if that means that he has to kill a few people, send a few incriminating text messages, and do a few other shady things, that’s what Roman’s going to do!

Sandy’s friend Lisa (Angie Teodora Dick) attempts to confront Roman about his stalkerish behavior.  Unfortunately, she makes the mistake of doing this while standing on the edge of a cliff.  Roman responds by tossing her over the side.  AGCK!  I hate it when they kill off anyone named Lisa!

What Worked?

This was the epitome of a Lifetime guilty pleasure.  Yes, the plot was totally ludicrous and, to a large extent, Roman’s plan depended upon everyone being an idiot.  But, even with that in mind, the movie was still a lot of fun.  One thing that I especially appreciated was the fact that Roman was so obviously psychotic and yet no one ever seemed to notice or care.  Normally, that might be cause for criticism but Nightmare Wedding pushed things to such an extent that it became oddly charming.

Nicola Posener did a good job in the role of Sandy.  You had sympathy for her and you really did find yourself hoping that she would get to have her dream wedding.  Evan Henderson went so far over the top as Roman that his performance actually worked in a very odd and unexpected sort of way.

(Add to that, Evan bared just enough of a resemblance to Ryan Hansen that I could pretend that I was watching a spin-off of Veronica Mars.)

What Did Not Work?

Max was such a wimp!  Seriously, after about five minutes, I found myself repeatedly shouting, “Be a man!” whenever he showed up on the screen.  You didn’t want Sandy to get together Roman but, at the same time, it was impossible not to feel that she could have done a lot better than Max.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I related to Megan (Gina Vitori), Sandy’s fun-loving sister.  She was determined to have a good time, regardless of how many psychos showed up for the wedding.  Watching Megan defiantly refuse to take the wedding seriously reminded me of my own refusal to take 2016 seriously.  Good for Megan!

Lessons Learned

Never call out a psycho while standing on the edge of a cliff.  It’s just common sense.

Cleaning Out The DVR Yet Again #8: Remote Paradise (dir by Michael Feifer)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

(Lisa recently discovered that she only has about 8 hours of space left on her DVR!  It turns out that she’s been recording movies from July and she just hasn’t gotten around to watching and reviewing them yet.  So, once again, Lisa is cleaning out her DVR!  She is going to try to watch and review 52 movies by Thanksgiving, November 24th!  Will she make it?  Keep checking the site to find out!)

remote-paradise

I recorded Remote Paradise off of the Lifetime Movie Network on October 30th.  As is often the case with Lifetime movies, Remote Paradise was actually produced under a different title: Dark Paradise.  I’m not sure why, exactly, Lifetime decided that Remote was somehow more appealing than Dark.  But regardless, Paradise is Paradise, right?

Anyway, as this film started, I thought I might be able to relate to its story.  I say this despite the fact that, in the starring role, poor Boti Bliss was occasionally forced to wear some of the most unflattering outfits that I’ve ever seen in a Lifetime film.  Seriously, a huge reason why I watch Lifetime films is because I like seeing what people are wearing and how they decorate their homes.  At the start of the movie, Tamara (played, of course, by Boti Bliss) not only wears horrid overalls but she also lives in a pretty small and cramped house.  That was definitely a red flag.

However, once I got over her house and her sense of style, I started to relate to Tamara.  At the start of the film, she’s informed that her father has died and she’s inherited close to 8 million dollars!  A shocked Tamara mentions that she and her father didn’t even get along.

Hey! I thought, I used to fight with my Dad too!

Since Tamara has just broken up with her boyfriend, she decides to invest the money by going on a trip with her two best girlfriends.

Hey!  I thought, I’m close to my girlfriends too!

So, they got to Hawaii.

OH MY GOD!  I yelled I’VE BEEN TO HAWAII!

While in Hawaii, Tamara meets a sexy boat captain who claims that his name is Dario (played by Antonio Sabato, Jr).  Dario says that he’s from Italy.

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?  I’VE BEEN TO ITALY!

Soon, Tamara is swept off her feet by the handsome but mysterious Dario.  She spends all of her time with him, dreaming of their future together.

OH MY GOD, I HAVE A WEAKNESS FOR HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS TOO!

Meanwhile, one of her friends is beat into a coma by an unknown attacker….

Okay, I can’t relate to that.  I guess I should be happy about that…

One morning, Tamara wakes up to discover that not only is Dario gone but so is her bank account.  That’s right, Dario stole all of her money and then fled Hawaii!

Sorry, Tamara, can’t relate…

And — oh my God! — Dario’s not even Italian!  Tamara learns that Dario has been overheard speaking in Portuguese!  OH MY GOD — HE’S BRAZILIAN!

Okay, I’ve lost the ability to relate to the movie…

And so, Tamara and her non-coma friend go to Brazil, looking for revenge.  And I will say this for “Dario.”  He may be sleazy.  He may be evil.  He may be every woman’s worst nightmare.  But damn!, he’s got a nice house!

I like nice houses!  But … no, sorry, still no longer relating…

Anyway, Remote Paradise is okay.  Boti Bliss has been in several Lifetime films and she always tends to overact but that actually worked to her advantage here as Tamara seemed to be an overly dramatic person in general.  (I especially enjoyed the way she spat out the word “bastard,” when she saw Dario’s car.)  The story’s predictable but there’s a last minute twist that will not take you by surprise but, fortunately, the film does shy away from letting the Tamara pursue her vengeance.  In the end, what’s important is that the beach looked good and so did Brazil and so did Antonio Sabato, Jr.

And, most importantly, so did his house!