The Daily Grindhouse: Project Nightmare (dir by Donald M. Jones)


Project Nightmare

Earlier tonight, the Late Night Movie crew and I watched Project Nightmare, an obscure little film from 1987.  (Actually, it would be more correct to say that the film was released in 1987.  Judging from the clothes, the cars, and the hair, the film was actually made at some point in the 70s.)

The best word that I can think to describe Project Nightmare would be weird.  This is just a weird and trippy movie.

The film opens with Gus (Charles Miller) and John (Seth Foster), two friends who played football in college and who are now in the air conditioning business together.  Gus is insecure and angst-ridden.  John is confident and spends almost the entire movie with his shirt becoming progressively more and more unbuttoned.  Gus and John go on a camping trip.  As the film opens, they are both running from something that they think attacked their camp site.  They’re not quite sure what it was and their descriptions remain frustratingly vague.  Even when their mysterious pursuer comes near, we never get a clear look at it.  Instead, we just hear buzzing on the soundtrack while the sky changes colors.

Gus and John come across a house sitting in the middle of nowhere.  Inside the house is Marcie (Elly Koslo).  Marcie doesn’t have a telephone but she does have a bottle of Scotch.  As Gus and John drink, they sit on the floor because Marcie doesn’t appear to have any furniture in their house.  Their conversation is stiff and oddly stilted and we’re left to wonder if this is the result of bad acting or if it’s just another sign of the film’s overall surreal atmosphere.  Gus admits that he wants to sleep with Marcie and then proceeds to tell her a long and confusing story about why he and John are such good friends.  John, meanwhile, dreams of a little boy running in a cemetery while a priest makes unintelligible sounds.

The next morning, as the two men leave the house, we hear a howling wind and yet none of the surrounding plant life appears to be swaying.  Was this just bad filmmaking or was it another example of the director trying to create a sense of unease?  It’s not an easy question to answer but I’m willing to give director Donald Jones the benefit of the doubt.

The two men walk.  A mysterious light pursues them.  They come across a man sitting in a car.  Gus and John get in the car.  The man lays down in the back seat and promptly dies.  They drive back to Marcie’s house and manage to get Marcie to come outside right before the entire house vanishes.  Eventually, they somehow come across an airplane sitting in the middle of the desert.  Gus gets in the plane and flies away, leaving John and Marcie behind.  Both Marcie and the car vanish.  John wanders alone.

And then the movie really starts to get weird…

How weird?  I mean weird as in a character finding a pyramid in the middle of the desert.  I mean weird like a room where a woman dances in slow motion while a group of shadowy men applaud.  I mean weird like a big floating head that taunts those below it…

I mean weird.

And here’s another odd thing about Project Nightmare.  I’ve done a google search, I’ve read what it says on the imdb, and there is next to no information out there about how this film came to be.  As I previously stated, the film was obviously made nearly a decade before it was actually released.  Director Donald Jones served a director, writer, and editor on this and three other films but hasn’t had a film released since 1993.  Meanwhile, the film’s cast is also similarly obscure.

Project Nightmare is an enigma.  Everything about this film — from the obscure storyline to the miniscule budget to the unnatural dialogue to the stiff acting — comes together to create an otherworldly viewing experience.  And that’s why you simply must watch it at least once!  Whether it was meant to be or not, Project Nightmare is something of a surrealistic masterpiece.

And guess what?

It’s on YouTube!

Watch it now before it gets taken down.

 

Here’s the Trailer for Southpaw!


PCAS

So, if you’ve ever really wanted to watch Jake Gyllenhaal get the crap beat out of him, you’ll probably enjoy the trailer for Southpaw.  Judging from the preview, Jake is apparently playing a boxer who gets beat up a lot and who loses his wife and nearly loses his daughter.  Jake really did deserve an Oscar for Nightcrawler.  Southpaw doesn’t look like an Oscar contender but it does look like another chance to Jake to prove his versatility and encourage us all to forget his unfortunae starring turn in the terrible Love and Other Drugs.

Here’s the Official Teaser Trailer for SPECTRE!


Spectre

Oh my God, y’all — JAMES BOND IS COMING BACK!

Seriously, I may have bitched and whined about the generic title and the generic teaser poster of the latest James Bond film but, when you get right down to it, how can you not be excited by the prospect of a new Bond film?

SPECTRE is going to have some pretty big shoes to fill, considering that 2012’s Skyfall was one of the best Bond films ever, as well as being the film that finally convinced a lot of people (including me) that Daniel Craig actually could be a credible 007.

Will SPECTRE be as good as Skyfall or will it be another Quantum of Solace?  When the film was first officially announced, I was cautiously optimistic, largely because of the fact that Sam Mendes was returning as the film’s director.  (It’s interesting that Mendes has both directed one of the best Bond films and one of the worst best picture winners.  Seriously, American Beauty sucks.)

Well, today, the first teaser for SPECTRE was released and you know what?  It actually looks pretty promising.  Judging from the trailer, it appears that SPECTRE will follow up directly on the events at the end of Skyfall and it will involve secrets from Bond’s past.  It’s a surprisingly low-key trailer, one that hints that SPECTRE may be even more of a moody film that Skyfall.

Tom Cruise Will Not Win An Oscar in 2016…


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But he might finally have another hit film, with the upcoming release of Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation.  Judging from the trailer below … well, it looks like another Mission Impossible film, doesn’t it?  But, at least Jeremy Renner’s in it and we get to see that cute robot from the Bad Robot logo so I’m happy.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger Will Win An Oscar In 2016…


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Okay, probably not.

But still, the former governor of California has been getting some unexpectedly good buzz for his performance in the upcoming film zombie film Maggie.  In a role that reportedly emphasizes honest emotion over crowd-pleasing action, Schwarzenegger plays a small-town farmer whose daughter (Abigail Breslin) has been infected with a zombie virus.  The trailer, which was released today, seems to hint that Maggie is going to be a bit more thoughtful than your average Arnold Schwarzenegger zombie film.

Maggie is scheduled to be released on May 8th and, hopefully, it won’t be too overshadowed by the 2nd weekend of Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Film Review: Dragonheart 3: The Sorcerer’s Curse (dir by Colin Teague)


 

Dragonheart-3-The-Sorcerer’s-Curse-2015

Before I get into this quick review of Dragonheart 3, I better admit that I haven’t seen the first two Dragonheart films.  I assume that they all had something to do with dragons.  As a result, I can’t tell you whether or not Dragonheart 3 is better than Dragonheart 2 or whether it’s worthy of being associated with the original Dragonheart.  

But, then again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  Ultimately, all films — even sequels and prequels — have to be able to stand on their own and be judged based on their own individual merits.  And, speaking as someone who knows nothing about the previous films in the series, Dragonheart 3 has a good deal more merit than you might expect.

The film’s plot … well, does the plot really matter?  Surprisingly enough, it does.  It’s obvious that the filmmakers understood that the main appeal of the film would be to see the dragon but they at least made an effort to keep the film’s non-dragon scenes interesting as well.  Taking place in post-Roman, pre-medieval Britain, Dragonheart 3 tells the story of two separate societies that are divided by Hadrian’s Wall.  On the “civilized” side of the wall, villagers live in fear of brutish knights who, in the best tradition of governmental overreach, claim to be providing protection but are mostly just interested in collecting exorbitant taxes and bullying the citizenry.  On the other side of the wall, fierce warriors live in the wilderness and resist all forms of government control.  Meanwhile, an evil sorcerer named Brude (Jonjo O’Neill) plots to conquer both the civilized and the uncivilized.

(And if I wanted to, I could explain how the civilized side of the wall represents our corrupt federal government, the warriors on the other side of the wall represent the grassroots political activists, and Brude represents any number of cynical politicians and so-called “community organizers” who have used those activists to pave their way into becoming a part of the same corrupt government that they claim to be attempting to reform.  But, I’ll save that for another day…)

On the civilized side of the wall, cocky Gareth (Julian Morris) wants to be a knight but, when he proves to be too kind-hearted to be an efficient extortionist, he is expelled from the knighthood and told that he can only rejoin if he pays a penalty.  Later, that night, Gareth sees a comet fall onto the other side of the wall.  Thinking that the comet will contain gold, Gareth sneaks over the wall and goes in search of it.

When Gareth does finally find the comet, he discovers that it contains several eggs and a dragon named Drago (voiced by Sir Ben Kingsley).  It also turns out that Brude is also hunting for the dragon and its eggs and, when Gareth is severely injured while fighting Brude’s warriors, Drago saves Gareth’s life with an infusion of blood which leads to Gareth and Drago sharing a heart and becoming psychically linked…

There’s a surprising amount of plot in Dragonheart 3 but it can all be boiled down to this: Brude wants to conquer Britain and he’s cast a spell that allows him to occasionally control Drago.  Gareth has to both break the spell and defeat Brude.  Along the way, Gareth learns from Drago’s noble example and becomes a stronger knight and a better man.

Against all expectations, it’s all actually rather nice and sweet, with surprisingly good CGI for a low-budget, direct-to-video film.  As well, Kingsley brings a wounded dignity to the voice of Drago and Julian Morris gives a sincere and likable performance as Gareth.  It’s doubtful that anyone would have noticed if the two of them had just gone through the motions but instead, both of them give performances that elevate the entire film.

However, I have to admit that my favorite character was Rhou (Tamzin Merchant), a warrior who joins with Gareth and Drago to battle Brude.  Not only is Rhou fierce and fearless but, much like me, she has red hair!  Only 2% of the world has red hair and we all kick ass.

Dragonheart 3 is currently available on Netflix and it’s not a bad way to spend 97 minutes.

Dragonheart

The Things You Find On Netflix: The Last House On Cemetery Lane (dir by Andrew Jones)


Last House on Cemetery Lane

Usually, I like to think that I can find something to love about any horror film but occasionally, I watch one that is so ineptly produced and so devoid of both horror and subtext that even I have to admit that it’s just not a very good film.

Case in point: The Last House On Cemetery Lane, a British horror film that I watched on Netflix last month.  I actually had high hopes for the film, based on the title alone.  The title, of course, reminded me of such classic horror thrillers as Last House On The Left, The House On The Edge of the Park, The House At The End of the Street, Last House On Dead End Street, and The House By The Cemetery.  These are all films that have their strengths and weaknesses but the main thing that they have in common is that, years and, in some cases, decades after first being released, they still carry the power to either scare or disturb.

The Last House On Cemetery Lane does neither.

In fact, the title itself doesn’t really work because, as far as I can tell, the house is not actually located on cemetery lane.  And it’s not exactly the last house on its street either.  If anything, it appears to be the only house on its street.  To be honest, I can’t even remember if there’s a cemetery located anywhere near the house and, quite frankly, I’m not going to force myself sit through this film for a second time just to find out.

The Last House On Cemetery Lane tells a familiar story.  Screenwriter John (who is played by Lee Bane and, giving credit where credit is due, Bane actually gives a pretty good performance) needs to write a script and he needs to get away from the distractions of London.  So, he rents a house in Wales.  As he tours the house, his real estate agent (played by Tessa Wood) informs him that there’s a blind old woman named Agnes who lives up in the attic but he won’t have to worry about her because he’ll never see her.

Needless to say, John isn’t thrilled about that idea but, after a minute or two of considering it, he decides that he can handle living in a house with creepy old Agnes up in the attic.

Really?

Okay, John is a screenwriter so I’m going to assume that he’s seen a movie before.  Doesn’t he know that any time you’re told that there’s a creepy old woman living in the attic that means that something bad is going to happen?

Anyway, John moves into the manor and then he spends a few hours wandering around the nearby village and walking on the beach.  He finds a bottle washed up on the beach.  In the bottle, there’s a piece of paper that reads “Message.”  John laughs and throws the bottle back out into the ocean.  And the movie goes on like that for a while.  As a veteran movie watcher, I kept expecting the bottle to show back up but it never did.  Apparently, that whole thing with the bottle was just included to pad out the film’s running time.

Speaking of running time, this film lasts 112 minutes and you will feel every single one of those 112 minutes.  The Last House On Cemetery Lane is literally one of the slowest films that I have ever watched.  The deliberate pace may have been intended to work as an atmosphere builder but no … this film has no atmosphere.  It’s just kind of there.

Anyway, eventually, some things start to happen.  It’s all the usual haunted house crap.  Things go bump in the night.  Music keeps playing.  John meets a mysterious woman (Georgina Blackledge) who has secrets of her own.  John runs around the house and demands to know who is haunting it.  He talks to the mysterious woman.  He knocks on Agnes’s door.  Things go bump.  Music plays.  John talks to the mysterious woman.  John knocks on Agnes’s door.  John runs around the house and demands to know who is haunting it.  He talks to the…

BLEH!

Okay, so you might be getting the idea that not much happens in Last House On Cemetery Lane.  And you would be right.  What kills the film is that it ultimately becomes so repetitive.  There’s only so many times that you can listen to John bitch about living in a haunted house before you just say, “Then move, you jerk!”  Ironically, the film probably would have worked just fine if it has just been a 15-minute short.  But stretching material this thin out to nearly two hours — well, it just doesn’t work.

I love horror films but The Last House On Cemetery Lane is one to avoid.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #118: Stalked By My Neighbor (dir by Doug Campbell)


Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime original movie, Stalked By My Neighbor.

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Why Was I Watching It?

Well, of course, the obvious reason was because it was on Lifetime and I love Lifetime movies.  But, even if I wasn’t a Lifetime movie addict, I probably would have watched Stalked By My Neighbor.  Stalked By My Neighbor is a great title.  Whenever you see a Lifetime movie with the word “Stalk” in the title, you know that it’s going to be a good one.

What Was It About?

It’s a Lifetime homage to Rear Window!  Jodi (Kelcie Stranahan) and her mother (Amy Pietz) move to the suburbs.  A talented photographer, Jodi is still struggling to deal with the after-effects of a horrifying home invasion.  Hiding out in her bedroom, Jodi watches her new neighborhood through the lens of her camera and eventually comes to believe that she may have witnessed the murder of a neighbor (Kelly Packard).  While the police suspect that the murderer was the cute boy who lives next door (Grant Harvey), Jodi suspects that it may have actually been the dead woman’s niece (Katrina Norman).  Soon, Jodi, camera in hand, is stalking her neighbors and trying to solve the mystery.

What Worked?

Stalked By My Neighbor was directed by Doug Campbell, who earlier this year gave us Sugar Daddies.  As I previously stated in my review of Sugar Daddies, Campbell is one of the better filmmakers to regularly make films for Lifetime.  (He also directed several of my favorite ….At 17 movies.)  Much as he did with Sugar Daddies, Campbell strikes just the right balance between melodrama and realism.  As both director and screenwriter, he pushes the story as far as it can go without allowing things to go overboard.  The end result is a very entertaining film that is the epitome of why people like me love Lifetime movies.

Kelcie Stranahan was well-cast as Jodi and she had a lot of chemistry with Grant Harvey.  As well, she and Amy Pietz were totally believable as mother-and-daughter.  Wisely, while the film had a lot of fun with the more melodramatic elements of the mystery plot, Jodi’s PTSD was played totally straight and Stranahan did a great job of capturing Jodi’s fragile mental state.  By the end of the film, Jodi is a role model for survivors everywhere.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked.  This was Lifetime moviemaking at its best!

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I totally related to the character of Jodi, which is a huge reason why I enjoyed the movie.  Towards the end of the film, Jodi had a fight with her mom and ended up getting grounded.  Afterward, Jodi made it a point to elaborately apologize and then, as soon as her mom left the room, Jodi was sneaking out the bedroom window.  That one scene pretty much epitomized my senior year of high school.

And really, the relationship between Jodi and her mom was the main reason why I loved Stalked By Neighbor.  Don’t get me wrong.  The mystery was fun.  Grant Harvey was cute and the scene where he dances with Jodi was really well done.  But ultimately, the film worked for me because I related so much to Jodi and I saw so much of my mom in her mom.

Lessons Learned

If you think you’re neighbor might be a murderer, always make sure you have an extra memory card for your camera.  (Seriously, watch the movie.  It’ll make sense.)

The Daily Grindhouse: Cruel Jaws (dir by Bruno Mattei)


"Whattya say we go hunt some freaking sharks?"

“Whattya say we go hunt some freaking sharks?” (picture credit: Mondo Exploito)

Believe it or not, Samson vs. The Vampire Women was not the only bad film that I watched with the Late Night Movie Gang on Saturday night.  We also watched a movie from 1995 that was called Cruel Jaws.  You might be able to guess from the title that the film is a rip-off of Jaws but this is no ordinary rip-off!  This is literally the worst shark movie that I’ve ever seen.

And yet, it was so bad that it was also oddly fascinating.  Listen, any director can rip-off Jaws.  It happens all the time and, for the most part, the majority of Jaws rip-offs are forgettable.  It takes true talent to make something like Cruel Jaws, a film that is so terrible that it cannot be forgotten!

After watching Cruel Jaws, I was inspired to look it up on the imdb and I was not particularly shocked to discover that it was directed by the infamous Italian filmmaker Bruno Mattei.  Given that Mattei was notorious for reusing footage from previous films, I figured that I would reuse a paragraph that I originally wrote for a review of his 1984 film, Rats: Night of Terror:

“While it’s generally agreed that Mattei was responsible for making some of the worst films in history, I’ve always had a sneaky admiration for him.  It’s hard not to love someone who defies the odds while pursuing his dream.  Mattei’s dream was to make movies and he never allowed a thing like budget or talent to stand in his way.  While Mattei is best known for taking over the direction of Zombi 3 after Lucio Fulci walked off the set, he was a prolific director who dabbled in every genre.”

If nothing else, Cruel Jaws was definitely a case of Mattei defying the odds.  Critics might point out that the film is basically a scene-for-scene remake of Jaws that even features some of the exact same dialogue.  Mattei says, “So?  I’ll call the movie Cruel Jaws and we’ll pretend it’s a sequel.”  Critics might say that no one in the film can act.  Mattei says, “So?  I’ll just make my hero a guy with platinum blonde hair and a Fu Manchu mustache and you’ll be so busy staring at him, you won’t even notice that he can’t act!”  Critics might point out that Mattei made a film about a killer shark without actually investing in a shark.  Mattei says, “So?  I’ll just use stock footage and lift a lot of scenes from other shark movies!”  Critics might complain that all of the stock footage and lifted scenes are edited together in such a haphazard way that the film is next to impossible to follow.  Mattei says, “Shut up and listen to the score, which I literally lifted from Star Wars and Indiana Jones.”  Critics might suggest that all of this involves some sort of copyright violation.  Mattei says — well, by this point, Bruno would probably have left the building to count his money and have a good laugh.

"Check out that shark stock footage!"

“Check out that shark stock footage!” (picture credit: Mondo Exploito)

What really makes Cruel Jaws interesting is that, while 90% of the film is lifted from other films, the 10% that isn’t is truly weird.  For instance, the film’s hero is named Dag Snerson and he owns a water park that is apparently made up of exactly two dolphins and a sea lion.  His daughter is probably the most cheerful wheelchair-bound child ever.  There’s a subplot involving the mafia.  Two girls start yelling “Dickbrain” at two boys that they like.

It’s all pretty bad and pretty weird but it’s pure Bruno Mattei and therefore, it’s all oddly forgivable.

And guess what?

You can watch Cruel Jaws below!

The Daily Grindhouse: Samson vs. The Vampire Women (dir by Alfonso Corona Blake)


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Just a few hours ago, I gathered with my friends in the Late Night Movie Gang and we watched the classic Mexican “horror” film, Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro (or, as it was released over here in the states, Samson Vs. The Vampire Women.)  You’ll notice that I put the word horror in quotes because there was really nothing traditionally scary about Samson Vs. The Vampire Women.  

The film opens with a bunch of vampire women waking up after being asleep for hundreds of years.  When we first see the vampire women, they all look like they have really bad skin and could really use some moisturizer.  However, once they drink some blood and say some magic words, they all suddenly look really pretty and they get to wear these really nice white dresses as well.

The queen of the vampires, Thorina (Lorena Valesquez), has been tasked with finding a bride for the Evil One and her pick is Diana (Maria Duval), who is the daughter of Prof. Orlof (Augusto Benedico).  We know that Orlof is intelligent because he wears glasses, has a beard, and his English-language dialogue has been dubbed by an actor who has a deep, intellectual voice.  However, despite being brilliant, Orlof is totally ineffectual when it comes to protecting his daughter from being turned into a vampire.

(Diana, we’re told, is on the verge of turning 21.  She looks like she’s closer to 40.)

And, of course, we get all of the things that you would expect from a low-budget, black-and-white vampire movie.  Bats fly by on strings.  Whenever Thorina needs to hypnotize someone, we get a closeup of her eyes.  Whenever the sun shines, all of the vampires scream and run out of the room.  It’s all pretty typical and, as a result, not particularly scary.

What is scary, however, is the man who Orlof summons to protect his daughter.  Not only can Samson (played by real-life Mexican wrestler Santo) fight vampires and communicate with people via television but he’s a professional wrestler as well!  In fact, Diana would probably have nothing to worry about if not for the fact that Samson has to balance protecting her with his lucrative wrestling career.

Samson vs. the Vampire Woman

What I’m saying here is that there’s a lot of wrestling in Samson vs. The Vampire Women.  Not only does Samson wrestle with vampires but he also wrestles with ordinary, every day wrestlers.  Even when he’s not wrestling, Samson runs around in his wrestling outfit — mask, cape, manties, and bulge.

(Oddly enough, none of the vampire women ever think to maybe kick Samson in that bulge, which is probably what I would do if I was ever suddenly approached by someone dressed like Samson…)

Now, I know what you’re wondering.  And the answer is no.  We never get to see what Samson looks like under the mask.  I assume that he looked like Jack Black but who knows for sure?

Anyway, Samson vs. The Vampire Women is probably one of those films that everyone should see at least once, if just because that way you won’t be left out of any inside jokes that may develop between your friends once they’ve actually experienced it for themselves.  It’s not a particularly good film but it’s certainly an odd one and there’s definitely something to be said for that.

You can watch it below!