“Whattya say we go hunt some freaking sharks?” (picture credit: Mondo Exploito)

Believe it or not, Samson vs. The Vampire Women was not the only bad film that I watched with the Late Night Movie Gang on Saturday night.  We also watched a movie from 1995 that was called Cruel Jaws.  You might be able to guess from the title that the film is a rip-off of Jaws but this is no ordinary rip-off!  This is literally the worst shark movie that I’ve ever seen.

And yet, it was so bad that it was also oddly fascinating.  Listen, any director can rip-off Jaws.  It happens all the time and, for the most part, the majority of Jaws rip-offs are forgettable.  It takes true talent to make something like Cruel Jaws, a film that is so terrible that it cannot be forgotten!

After watching Cruel Jaws, I was inspired to look it up on the imdb and I was not particularly shocked to discover that it was directed by the infamous Italian filmmaker Bruno Mattei.  Given that Mattei was notorious for reusing footage from previous films, I figured that I would reuse a paragraph that I originally wrote for a review of his 1984 film, Rats: Night of Terror:

“While it’s generally agreed that Mattei was responsible for making some of the worst films in history, I’ve always had a sneaky admiration for him.  It’s hard not to love someone who defies the odds while pursuing his dream.  Mattei’s dream was to make movies and he never allowed a thing like budget or talent to stand in his way.  While Mattei is best known for taking over the direction of Zombi 3 after Lucio Fulci walked off the set, he was a prolific director who dabbled in every genre.”

If nothing else, Cruel Jaws was definitely a case of Mattei defying the odds.  Critics might point out that the film is basically a scene-for-scene remake of Jaws that even features some of the exact same dialogue.  Mattei says, “So?  I’ll call the movie Cruel Jaws and we’ll pretend it’s a sequel.”  Critics might say that no one in the film can act.  Mattei says, “So?  I’ll just make my hero a guy with platinum blonde hair and a Fu Manchu mustache and you’ll be so busy staring at him, you won’t even notice that he can’t act!”  Critics might point out that Mattei made a film about a killer shark without actually investing in a shark.  Mattei says, “So?  I’ll just use stock footage and lift a lot of scenes from other shark movies!”  Critics might complain that all of the stock footage and lifted scenes are edited together in such a haphazard way that the film is next to impossible to follow.  Mattei says, “Shut up and listen to the score, which I literally lifted from Star Wars and Indiana Jones.”  Critics might suggest that all of this involves some sort of copyright violation.  Mattei says — well, by this point, Bruno would probably have left the building to count his money and have a good laugh.

“Check out that shark stock footage!” (picture credit: Mondo Exploito)

What really makes Cruel Jaws interesting is that, while 90% of the film is lifted from other films, the 10% that isn’t is truly weird.  For instance, the film’s hero is named Dag Snerson and he owns a water park that is apparently made up of exactly two dolphins and a sea lion.  His daughter is probably the most cheerful wheelchair-bound child ever.  There’s a subplot involving the mafia.  Two girls start yelling “Dickbrain” at two boys that they like.

It’s all pretty bad and pretty weird but it’s pure Bruno Mattei and therefore, it’s all oddly forgivable.

And guess what?

You can watch Cruel Jaws below!