Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.21 “Refugee”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Monsters takes a turn into le Carré  territory.

Episode 2.21 “Refugee”

(Dir by Scott Vickrey, originally aired on Mary 13th, 1990)

Paul (Peter White) is an agent of the CIA.  He lives in a run-down apartment, hiding himself from the world and apparently wracked with guilt and regret over some of the things that he did for his country.  In the style of many a John le Carré protagonist, he served his country and has been left thoroughly disillusioned as a result.  His former superior, Oliver (Philip Abbott), comes to Paul with a proposal.  There’s a Russian scientist who is looking to defect.  She has apparently spent years trying to escape from Russia.  If Paul helps her cross the border and stays with her in a safehouse until the CIA can come and get her, Oliver will never ask Paul to do another thing.  Paul’s service as a spy will be terminated.

A reluctant Paul agrees and he is indeed able to get Anna Solenska (Judy Geeson) across the border and into a safehouse.  However, Paul realizes that two men have followed them and now want to enter the safehouse themselves.  Paul assumes that they work for the KGB but actually, they’re agents of Satan!  Apparently, Anna agreed to sell her soul in return for Satan helping her to escape Russia.  And now, Satan has sent his people to collect….

Seriously, if you’ve ever wondered what it was like to live under a communist regime, just consider that someone was willing to sell their soul to escape!  That’s one reason why I’m proud to be an American and to be a capitalist.  No matter what problems we may have in this country, no one is selling their soul to escape.  No one is summoning Satan and saying, “Hey, help me get to Cuba!”  Capitalism for the win!

As for this episode, I liked the idea behind it.  I liked the concept of mixing spy melodrama with supernatural horror.  Peter White actually gave a pretty good performance as the burned-out spy and I enjoyed the opening conversation between him and his former superior.  But once the episode move to the safehouse, the action started to drag.  Monsters is only a 21-minute show so there’s no reason why an episode should have had me checking how much running time was left as often as this one did.  British actress Judy Geeson did a good enough job playing Anna’s desperation but her Russian accent was bad enough that it actually distracted from the story.  Finally, Satan’s agents were never as scary as servants of the devil should be.  This show’s saving grace has usually been its monsters but, in this episode, they were just men with red skin and glowing fingertips.

Sad to say, despite an intriguing premise, this episode was just kind of boring.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat sets sail without a laugh track and things get awkward.

Episode 5.4 “The Incredible Hunk/Isaac, the Marriage Counselor/Jewels & Jim”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on October 24th, 1981)

Julie has hired a new entertainer for this cruise.  His name is Hank Austin (Brian Kerwin) and he’s a teacher-by-day and a dancer-by-night.  Julie has never actually seen Hank perform but Hank’s agent assured Julie that he’s amazing.  How will Julie (and Captain Stubing) react when Hank turns out to be a …. STRIPPER!?

Even more importantly, how will the head of Hank’s PTA react?  Shelley (Christopher Norris) is also a passenger on the boat and she and Hank take an immediate liking to each other.  Fortunately, for Hank, Shelley does not see his performance but afterwards, she tells Hank that she’s heard a lot of people talking about how there’s a male stripper on the ship.  Hank laughs it off.  But then Julie walks up to Shelley and starts to complain about Hank’s act, which is seriously immature of her.  I mean, Julie doesn’t even know Shelley but Julie still acts like she’s morally offended that Shelley would associate with someone with whom Julie is upset.  It’s seriously out-of-character for Julie and it made me wonder if maybe Julie picked up some coke when the ship was docked at Acapulco.

Don’t worry, though.  Julie eventually apologizes for lashing out and Shelley and Hank leave the ship together.  From now on, the only stripping that Hank will be doing will be at PTA meetings.

Things also work out for Frank Dalton (Flip Wilson).  Frank boards the ship and tells Isaac that he changed Frank’s life.  Isaac has no idea who Frank is.  Frank explains that he took the same cruise last year.  He had a fight with his wife and went into the Pirate’s Cove for a drink.  Frank told Isaac his problems.  Isaac told him that sometimes, a man just has to put his foot down.  Frank took Isaac’s advice and, as a result, his wife left him.  Now, Frank is single and suicidal.  Isaac tries to set Frank up with some other passengers.  When that doesn’t work, Isaac calls Frank’s ex-wife and convinces her to board the boat in Acapulco and take him back.  Frank and Janet (Marla Gibbs) are reunited.  Good work, Isaac!

Finally, a jewel thief named Jim Pickett (Michael Zaslow) boards the boat.  He just wants to steal a valuable necklace but instead, he ends up falling in love with Lilia Chandler (Joan Van Ark).  When Jim does steal a necklace from Mrs. Landers (Henny Backus), he gives it to Lila.  However, when it looks like Jim’s going to get caught by the Captain, Lila gives the necklace back to Mrs. Landers.  It turns out that Lila is a jewel thief as well!  She was going to let Jim steal the necklace for her but then she fell in love with him.  The two reformed thieves leave the ship as a couple.

This was a weird episode because there was no laugh track.  There was several moments where it was obvious that a laugh track was meant to be heard but instead of canned laughter, there was only dead air.  It made the entire episode feel a bit awkward.  Laugh tracks are definitely dork and corny but then again, so is The Love Boat.  If anything, The Love Boat is one of the rare shows that benefitted from having a laugh track.  It’s absence made the entire cruise feel weird.

As for the guest stars and their stories, I liked Michael Zaslow and Joan Van Ark.  They had an enjoyable chemistry.  The other two stories weren’t that interesting.  The male stripper story only succeeded in making Julie look totally incompetent at her job.  She got mad at Hank for being a stripper but did it seriously not occur to her to ask what type of dancing he actually did before booking him?  As for the other story, it was just depressing.  A laugh track would have helped….

This was just not a very good cruise, I’m afraid.  It happens.  Hopefully, next week will be better.

Music Video of the Day: Scorsese by Viola Odetta Harlow (2024, dir by Manny Liotta)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

In this video, we discover why it’s a mistake to allow yourself to turn into the Raging Bull.

It doesn’t appear that the film’s director is related to Ray Liotta.  Sometimes, a coincidence is just a coincidence.

Enjoy!

Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.17 “The Servant”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

Mitch does not want to believe.

Episode 2.17 “The Servant”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on April 12th, 1997)

There’s something strange happening at a warehouse that stores ancient artifacts.  The wealthy woman (Renee Suran) who owns the warehouse claims that someone wrapped in bandages killed both a security guard and her chauffeur.  She goes to Daimont Teague and, of course, Teague takes her to Ryan and Mitch.

“I want you to solve my murder,” the woman says, convinced that she’s destined to be killed by whatever it was that she saw in the warehouse.

The killer was wrapped in bandages and Mitch is stunned to discover that the killer apparently took four bullets without even slowing down.  In fact, one of the bullets is found on the ground and it doesn’t have a bit of blood or bodily tissue on it.  What could be going on?

Ryan and Teague suggest that the killer could be a mummy.

Mitch gets angry, saying that there’s no way a mummy has come back to life and is killing people and stealing artifacts from the warehouse.  Even when Ryan tells him about an ancient curse that may have been activated by the removal of the artifacts from a tomb, Mitch says that he doesn’t believe in mummies.  He’s a skeptic!

Okay, I’ve done this before but let’s do it begin.  Here are just a few things that have happened to Mitch since the start of season 2.

  1. Mitch has dealt with a huge number of sea monsters.
  2. Mitch has dealt with space spores that caused animals to explode.
  3. Mitch has witnessed Donna get possessed by the spirit of a serial killer.
  4. Mitch has been transported through time and has been chased by an axe-wielding maniac from the turn of the century.
  5. Mitch has battled a werewolf.
  6. Mitch has battled a vampire.
  7. Mitch has discovered that the world is secretly controlled by the Knights Templar.
  8. Mitch has witnessed two 800 year-old Vikings come back to life and immediately resume their blood feud.

And that’s just scratching the surface!  After seeing all of that, Mitch somehow cannot bring himself to believe that there is a mummy wandering around a warehouse that appears to only house cursed Egyptian artifacts.  Myself, I think just the stuff with the Vikings would have convinced me to believe just about anything.

My personal theory is that, much like the protagonist of a Lovecraft short story, Mitch does believe in the mummy but he’s insisting that he doesn’t because he know that accepting it as reality will lead to him losing his mind.

Fortunately, Ryan is not as skeptical as Mitch and she’s able to discover that the mummy and the missing artifacts are all a part of a plot to open up a mystical portal.  Fortunately, she and Mitch are able to thwart the plans of Dr. Kasan (Erick Avari).  Seriously, if everyone had listened to Mitch, Malibu would have been invaded by hundreds of mummies.

This episode was dull.  The cast was noticeably small, with regulars Griff and Donna noticeably absent from the proceedings, the warehouse and the mummy looked cheap, and the only think creating any atmosphere was an overuse of Dutch angles.  Angie Harmon was great as usual but, surprisingly considering that his signature brand is overwhelming earnestness, David Hasselhoff seemed bored with the whole thing.  This mummy should have been kept under wraps.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.16 “The Challenge/A Genie Named Joe”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites.  Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Fantasy Island reminds us why we love this show in the first place.

Episode 5.16 “The Challenge/A Genie Named Joe”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on February 13th, 1982)

Now, this is a great episode!

Julie doesn’t appear in this episode, beyond the usual stock footage that appears at the start of every season 5 episode.  In fact, Julie isn’t even mentioned in this episode.  Instead, it’s Roarke and Tattoo all the way.  Roarke and Tattoo greet the visitors together.  Tattoo is the one who helps Roarke put the fantasies together.  Roarke and Tattoo say goodbye to everyone at the end.  In a way, this episode felt like a throwback to the first two seasons of Fantasy Island.

The fantasies feel like throwbacks to the first two seasons as well, with both of them featuring interesting guest stars and just enough twists to keep things interesting.  We’ve got one comedic fantasy and one dramatic fantasy but the comedic fantasy is not too silly and the dramatic fantasy is not too serious.  The episode manages to strike a pretty good balance between the two so, for once, neither fantasy feels rushed or short-changed.

The comedic fantasy features Kim Darby as Rebecca Walters, who wants to find a husband who is courteous and handsome.  Tattoo takes her out to the magical Fantasy Island lagoon, where she meets a genie named …. well, he has a really long genie name but fortunately, he’s happy to be called Joe (Larry Linville).  Joe can grant Rebecca three wishes.  As always happens with genies, Rebecca wastes her first two wishes.  For instance, when she says that it’s a little bit too warm for her, Joe grants her wish and temporarily turns Fantasy Island into a winter wonderland, complete with snow and Christmas music playing.  (Seriously, the sight of snow on Fantasy Island was surprisingly charming, as was Tattoo’s shocked reaction.)  In the end, of course, Rebecca comes to discover that she loves Joe.  Joe transforms from a genie-into-a-man and they leave the Island together.  It was a charming and cute fantasy.  Both Darby and Linville seemed to be having fun with their roles and they had a surprising amount of chemistry together.  This was a fun fantasy.

As for the dramatic fantasy, it allowed us to learn a little about the history of the Island.  Apparently, centuries ago, the Island belonged to a Spanish sea captain.  Ruthless tycoon Douglas Picard (Vic Morrow) came across the deed to the island after he moved into a villa that once belonged to the captain.  Picard claims that the Island is legally his.  Roarke points out that the deed is several centuries old and that it would take years for the legal system to sort out who owned what.  Picard challenges Roarke to three challenges to decide who will own the island, challenges that will test the mind, body, and spirit of the two men.  The person to win two of the matches also wins the Island.  Roarke agrees.

Here’s the thing that I find interesting about all of this.  First off, it’s implied that the Spanish sea captain was a part of the Spanish Armada.  Why would the Spanish Armada have been in the South Pacific?  Even more importantly, though, was the island still capable of granting fantasies when it was owned the Captain?  Are the fantasies created by the Island or by Mr. Roarke?  The case for the Island being magical can be found in this very episode, in which Tattoo takes Rebecca to a lagoon inhabited by a genie.  Throughout the series, there have been many such locations on the Island.  But Roarke himself is clearly more than just the charming owner of a resort.  Ricardo Montalban once said that he felt Roarke was a fallen angel who was doing penance on the Island.  That’s an interesting idea and would certainly explain why Roddy McDowall’s Devil always seemed to want to steal Roarke’s soul.  Of course, the Blumhouse film and the recently-canceled reboot both suggested that Fantasy Island has had many different caretakers but I’m not sure that I consider either one of those to be canonical.  I kind of like the idea Roarke having lived on the Island for centuries, like Richard on Lost.

Anyway, the three competitions are actually pretty interesting.  The first one is a chess match that is won by Roarke.  The second one features Roarke and Picard arm-wrestling over a killer spider.  Roarke is in on the verge of winning that one but allows Picard to have the victory rather than kill him.  The third competition is to do something selfless that improves someone else’s life.  (I’m not sure how the winner would be selected but we’ll just go with it.)  Picard gives money to a charity that he knows little about.  Roarke, however, wins because he made Picard’s sister, Eunice (Jane Powell), happy by choosing not to kill Picard.  Picard is so happy to finally see Eunice happy that he decides he doesn’t need to take ownership of Fantasy Island.  Everyone leaves the Island a better person than they were when they arrived.  Yay!

As I said before, this episode felt like a throwback to the earlier seasons of Fantasy Island.  This was a great trip to the Island!