Crew Confessions”

Posted on September 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week is all about mistaken identity!

Episode 3.7 “The Reunion/Haven’t I Seen You?/Crew Confessions”

(Dir by George Tyne, originally aired on October 20th, 1979)

After discovering that a guy that he went to high school with in Oakland is now a published author, Isaac decides that maybe he should spend the cruise writing a novel of his own. The other members of the crew encourage him to try his hand at being a literary genius because, seriously, how hard can it be? (Gopher suggests that anyone can be a writer! Okay, Gopher….) Isaac attempts to write a western, just to discover that he can’t get past the first two sentences. He then tries to write a romance and can’t get past the first two sentences. Finally, he attempts to do a science fiction novel and can’t get past …. well, you get the idea.

Finally, Isaac realizes that his mistake is that he’s not writing about what he knows. Instead, he starts writing a book about life on a cruise ship! (There’s a bit of an inside joke here as The Love Boat itself was inspired by a “non-fiction” book written by a former cruise director.) Unfortunately, the rest of the crew soon recognizes themselves in Isaac’s writing. Doc is offended at being portrayed as a sex-crazed womanizer who rarely practices medicine. Gopher is upset to discover that the fiction ship’s purser is a klutz named Muskrat. Julie is upset at the character of the “perky” cruise director. Only Captain Stubing seems to be truly supportive of Isaac. Upset that his friends are upset, Isaac rips his book in half. Guilt-stricken, the rest of the crew decides to support Isaac and they start giving him ideas for his novel. For instance, Doc Bricker tells Isaac that he served in the U.S Navy after medical school, adding yet another piece of the puzzle to the enigma of Adam Bricker.

The novel-writing storyline, I liked. I could relate to it because I’ve noticed that people are always willing to support your literary ambitions until they realize that you’re writing about them. I kind of hope that Isaac will keep writing. Knowing The Love Boat, though, I know this is probably one of those things that will be forgotten by the next episode.

As for the other storylines this week, they were okay if slight. Don Knotts plays a shoe salesman named Herb Groebeck who looks just like a television start named Devon King. At first, Herb keeps correcting everyone about his identity but, when he’s approached by Marla (Julie Newmar), he decides to pretend to be Devon for a while. Marla reveals that she has a baby and she says that Devon is the father, the result of a one-night stand in Las Vegas. Herb, having fallen in love with Marla, asks her to marry him. Marla suddenly reveals that she’s never actually met Devon and that she was lying about him being the father because she wanted a husband who could take care of her baby. Herb says that’s okay because he’s not even Devon King. Marla and Herb share a good laugh and leave the cruise as an engaged couple which …. I mean, is this really a relationship that’s really going to last? It’s pretty much built on lies.

Speaking of lies, Laurette Ferot (Jane Wyatt) has boarded the boat so she can be reunited with her long-missing husband, Gilbert (Jean-Pierre Aumont). Laurette and Gilbert were married in 1939 but the Nazi invasion of France tore them apart. Laurette was taken off to Denmark. Gilbert vanished and was presumed dead. Laurette has spent the last 40 years looking for Gilbert. Unfortunately, the man who shows up on the cruise is not her Gilbert. Instead, he’s a former member of the French Resistance who befriended the real Gilbert in a concentration camp and who fell in love with Laurette as a result of listening to the real Gilbert talk about her. When the real Gilbert died in the camp, the fake Gilbert assumed his identity. Having survived the war, the fake Gilbert came to America and made millions as a lock manufacturer while also looking for Laurette. Laurette is surprisingly forgiving of Fake Gilbert and even goes through with the ceremony to “renew” their vows on the ship. Laurette marries Fake Gilbert and they leave the ship together. Jane Wyatt and Jean-Pierre Aumont both gave heartfelt performances but this storyline, involving concentration camps and Nazi cruelty, felt a bit out-of-place when partnered up with stories about Isaac writing a salacious book and Don Knotts pretending to be an action star. It was a bit too serious for The Love Boat format.

Overall, this episode was uneven but genuinely well-acted. Just as last week’s episode gave Fred Grandy a chance to show off the fact that he actually could act, this episode gives the spotlight to Ted Lange and Lange, again, proves himself to be capable of more than just making drinks and pointing. I hope his book was best seller.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.15 “Unholy Wedlock/Elizabeth”

Posted on September 19, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. Almost entire show is currently streaming is on Youtube!

This week, David Cassidy gets married and Tina Louise meets the Blood Countess!

Episode 3.15 “Unholy Wedlock/Elizabeth”

(Dir by Rod Holcomb, originally aired on January 12th, 1980)

Danny Collier (David Cassidy) has come to the Island with his best friend, Ken Jason (Eddie Mekka). Danny’s fantasy is to finally marry his fiancée over the weekend. As he explains to Tattoo and Mr. Roarke, he’s tried to get married several times in the past and, every time, something happened that kept him from getting to the ceremony. This weekend, though, he’s going to get married on the island and Tattoo is going to throw him a wonderful bachelor party! When Mr. Roarke questions whether Danny really loves his wife-to-be, Danny explains that his fiancée is rich!

The main problem with this fantasy is that, from the start, Danny comes across as being a total jerk. David Cassidy plays the entire role with this bizarre intensity that makes him come across as being an entitled frat boy. I didn’t care about Danny and his wedding and, as a result, I really didn’t care when Danny woke up to discover that he had married Christie (Misty Rowe), the dancer from his bachelor party. Danny was desperate to get the marriage annulled, even though it had already been consummated. Unfortunately, Tattoo was of little help. When Christie suddenly disappeared, Danny was arrested for her murder!

Wow, that took a turn.

Not to worry, though. Danny escapes from jail, goes to a Fantasy Island dive bar, and discovers that Christie faked her own death so Danny could marry the woman that he has been pretending to love. But then Danny realizes that Christie is who he loves so he stays married to her. I felt bad for Christie since Danny came across as if he was destined to be bitter and washed-up by the time he hit 30.

You may have noticed that I said Tattoo was the one who explained to Danny that his marriage could not be annulled. That’s because Mr. Roarke had a mission of his own to deal with in this episode. When Lisa Corday (Tina Louise) came to the Island, her fantasy was one that caused Mr. Roarke much concern. Haunted by nightmares, Lisa wanted to visit the castle that she frequently saw in her dreams. Roarke immediately knew that the castle was the home of the infamous Elizabeth Bathory, the Hungarian noblewoman who was convicted of and executed for bathing in the blood of virgins. Apparently, Mr. Roarke played a role in trapping Elizabeth Bathory’s evil spirit inside of her castle and Elizabeth was using Lisa to get revenge on Roarke! (It should not be overlooked that, as a name, Lisa started out as a shortened version of Elizabeth. Then, everyone realized how pretty the name was on its own that Lisa soon became more popular than Elizabeth.) Roarke accompanied Lisa to the castle and, when Elizabeth’s spirit possessed Lisa, Roarke was there to battle Elizabeth, rescue Lisa, and banish Elizabeth back to Hell.

Wow, that’s pretty intense for Fantasy Island!

The Elizabeth Bathory storyline was so well-done and energetically acted by both Tina Louise and Ricardo Montalban that it more than made up for all the nonsense with David Cassidy. The castle was wonderfully creepy and Tina Louise portrayed demonic possession with the best of them. The whole storyline was wonderfully melodramatic and over the top. It also took advantage of the fact that, after three seasons, we’re still not quite sure who Mr. Roarke is. This episode suggests that Roarke has been around for a very long time and that he’s even more powerful than previously hinted.

Thanks to the evil efforts of Elizabeth Bathory, this was one of better episodes of Fantasy Island’s third season. Not even David Cassidy could bring it down.

Retro Television Reviews: Miami Vice 1.2 “Brother’s Keeper: Part Two”

Posted on September 18, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, we learn who Tubbs really is and one scene changes television forever.

Episode 1.2 “Brother Keeper: Part Two”

(Directed by Thomas Carter, originally aired on September 16th, 1984)

The pilot for Miami Vice originally aired as a two-hour made-for-TV movie but, when it was released in syndication, it was split into two separate episodes. That’s the way it’s usually aired on the retro stations and that’s also the way that it’s featured on Tubi. And, as you can tell, that’s the way that I’ve decided to review it for this site.

Picking up where the first half ended, Brother’s Keeper: Part Two finds Sonny and Tubbs searching through the deceased Leon’s apartment. Calderone’s men obviously visited the place and ransacked it before Sonny and Tubbs arrived but Sonny still manages to find Leon’s collection of important phone numbers. Tubbs is surprised to discover that Leon lived in a very nice apartment but that’s the way things work in Miami. Cocaine means big money and any one willing to take the risk can live like a king. While the cops and the regular people go home to small apartments and houses that they can barely afford, the successful criminal lives a life of relative luxury. The question is less why so many people are dealing drugs as why so many people aren’t.

While searching the apartment, Tubbs suddenly realizes that Sonny Crockett used to be a football star with the University of Florida. (“You were a funky honky!” Tubbs exclaims.) Apparently, Sonny was one of the best but a series of injuries ended his NFL dreams and, instead of going pro, Sonny did two tours of duty in Vietnam. (The South Asian conference, Sonny calls it.) Myself, I’m wondering how a semi-famous former football player can also be an undercover detective, working under a false name. Wouldn’t he always be worried that a drug dealer would recognize him from the college days and figure out that Sonny Burnett was actually Sonny Crockett?

Sonny’s co-worker and girlfriend, Gina (Saundra Santiago), takes a break from working the undercover prostitution detail and lets Sonny know that she did a background check on Raphael Tubbs and he’s dead! Raphael was a New York cop who was killed in shootout weeks before the other Tubbs landed in Miami. When Sonny confronts him about this, Tubbs admits that he’s actually Ricardo, Raphael’s younger brother. Raphael was a decorated Brooklyn detective. Rico Tubbs, on the other hand, was a Bronx beat cop who forged a lot of documents in order to come down to Florida and convince Vice to allow him to work the Calderone case. Sonny isn’t happy about being lied to but he has a lot more to worry about because, the night before, he apparently rolled over to Gina and whispered his ex-wife’s name in her ear! Needless to say, things are a bit awkward between just about everyone.

Actually, awkward doesn’t even begin to describe what happens when Tubbs suggests that Lt. Rodriguez could be Calderone’s mole. Sonny refuses to consider it until he overhears Rodriguez talking about enrolling his son in a pricey private school. Fortunately, Rodriguez is innocent and the real mole’s number is found in Leon’s apartment. Unfortunately, that number belongs to Sonny’s former partner, Scott Wheeler (Bill Smitrovich)!

After getting Wheeler to confess and turning him over to Rodriguez, Sonny and Tubbs drive down the dark streets of Miami at night, heading towards a rendezvous with Calderone. They don’t say much. Tubbs loads his shotgun. Sonny stops and makes a call to his ex-wife, something that his former partner Eddie didn’t get to do before he was killed. The neon of Miami glows menacingly in the darkness. Meanwhile, in the background, Phil Collins sings In the Air Tonight….

And it’s an absolutely beautiful sequence. Between the surreal menace of Miami at night, the atmosphere of impending doom, and the moody song playing in the background, this sequence plays out like a surreal dream. Both Tubbs and Crockett know that they are quite possibly driving to their death but, at this point, they have no other choice. Too many people have died to turn back. Neither Sonny nor Tubbs has anything in their life at that moment, beyond arresting Calderone.

And they do manage to arrest Calderone, along with killing quite a few of his associates. However, Calderone is released by a crooked judge and flies away in a private airplane while Sonny and Tubbs can only stand on the runway and watch. Sonny says that Calderone will return eventually. Tubbs replies that he probably doesn’t have a job anymore. Sonny asks Tubbs if he’s interested in a “career in Southern law enforcement.”

The second part of the pilot was dominated by that one scene of Tubbs and Sonny driving down the street. And that scene was so strong and it made such an impression that it’s easy to ignore that the rest of Brother’s Keeper Part Two was not quite as exciting as Part One. If the first part of the pilot set up Miami as a hedonistic playground of the rich and corrupt, the second part felt a bit more conventional in its approach. Or, at least, it did until Phil Collins started to sing and play the drums. One cannot understate the importance of that one scene. That one scene, done with next to no dialogue, pretty much told the viewer everything that they needed to know about the show, about Miami, and about Crockett and Tubbs as partners. In that scene, the show reminded us that no one is guaranteed to get out alive.

Next week: Crockett and Tubbs infiltrate an undercover pornography ring and Ed O’Neill appears as an FBI agent who may have gone over to the dark side.

Retro Television Reviews: The Bait (dir by Leonard J. Horn)

Posted on September 17, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1973’s The Bait! It can be viewed on YouTube!

Tracey Fleming (Donna Mills) is the widow of a cop and an undercover detective herself. Unfortunately, her superior, Captain Maryk (Michael Constantine), is not convinced that Tracey has what it takes to be in a dangerous situation and, as a result, Tracey spends most of her time riding the bus and busting perverts and low-level drug dealers. When four woman are raped and murdered by the same serial killer, Tracey writes up a report on what she thinks is motivating the killer. Captain Maryk is, at first, skeptical about Tracey’s claim that the killer is fueled by a puritanical rage but, when it turns out that the killer has been wiping off his victims’s lipstick (just as Tracey speculated that he was), Maryk starts to think that Tracey might have something to offer the investigation.

Tracey becomes the bait in an operation to lure out the killer. Leaving behind her son and her mother, Tracey moves into an apartment in the neighborhood that is believed to be the center of the killer’s activities. Tracey is given a job as a survey taker and soon, she’s walking around the neighborhood and asking random men for their opinions on current events and women’s liberation. A local waitress (Arlene Golonka) recognizes Tracey as a detective but Tracey lies and say that she’s no longer with the force. When the killer makes the waitress his next victim, Tracey becomes even more determined to capture him but will she able to get Marsyk and the rest of the force to give her the room to investigate the murders?

This may sound like an intriguing whodunit but, for some reason, The Bait reveals early on that the murderer is a bus driver named Earl Stokely (played, in a very early performance, by William Devane). There’s really nothing to be gained by revealing the killer’s identity as early as the film does. Perhaps if the film was split between scenes of Tracey investigating the neighborhood and Earl stalking Tracey, that would have generated some sort of suspense but, with the exception of one bus ride, Tracey and Earl barely even interact before he comes after her at the film’s end. Devane does give a good performance as a homicidal lunatic but, when viewed today, it’s impossible to watch him in this film without spending most of the time thinking, “Hey, that’s the usually Kennedyesque William Devane, playing a killer bus driver!”

I was not surprised to learn that The Bait was intended to be a pilot for a weekly television series that would have followed the future investigations of Tracey Fleming. Donna Mills was likable in the lead role and she had a good chemistry with the other actors playing her colleagues so it’s easy to imagine a series in which Tracey solved a new case every week while Marsyk continually underestimated her. Ultimately, though, that series never happened and The Bait would be the sole televised adventure of Detective Tracey Fleming.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 9/10/23 — 9/16/23

Posted on September 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Being on vacation this week, I again only watched a small amount of television. Here’s a few thoughts on what I did watch.

Big Brother 25 (24/7, CBS and Paramount Plus)

I wrote about Big Brother here!

Degrassi Junior High (YouTube)

I watched the first two episodes of this Canadian show on Saturday, in preparation for a future series of reviews.

Dr. Phil (YouTube)

My mind was racing on Sunday morning so, around 3 in the morning, I attempted to calm it and ease myself into sleep by putting on an episode of Dr. Phil as background noise. Dr. Phil was talking to the daughter of a country music drummer. She was addicted to drugs and convinced that she was being stalked by strangers. It didn’t sound like Phil did that much good.

On Monday morning, I watched an episode featuring the creator of Jilly Juice. “Jilly Juice can cure cancer, grow back limbs, and reverse homosexuality!” Jillian happily announced about her salt-filled concoction before adding, “No, I’m not a doctor or scientist!” An actual doctor revealed that Jilly Juice actually caused explosive diarrhea. At one point, someone in the audience ran up on the stage and was grabbed by security. It made for a bizarre 43 minutes.

On Wednesday morning, I re-watched the classic episode in which two crazy women, Vicky and Darlene, accused a totally innocent woman of running a fake GoFundMe page. Darlene eventually saw the error of her ways but Vicky was a lost cause.

Fantasy Island (YouTube)

I wrote about Fantasy Island here!

The Hitchhiker (YouTube)

This week, I checked out a few episodes of this Canadian anthology series for a future set of reviews.

The Love Boat (Paramount Plus)

I wrote about The Love Boat here!

Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)

On Friday night and Saturday morning, I watched an episode about music videos and songs that centered around money. This was followed by a profile of Billy Idol.

South Central (YouTube)

I wrote about South Central here!

The Steve Wilkos Show (YouTube)

My mind was racing on Sunday morning so, around 4 in the morning, I attempted to calm it and ease myself into sleep by putting on an episode of Steve Wilkos as background noise. I was really tired and out-of-it so I’m not sure what exactly was going on but Steve sure was yelling at a lot of people.

T. and T. (Tubi)

I wrote about T. and T. here!

Welcome Back Kotter (Tubi)

I wrote about Welcome Back Kotter here!

Yes, Prime Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)

Fresh from an uneventful summit in Washington, a jet-lagged Prime Minister Hacker decide it was time to go on television and announce his Grand Design, which would include the return of conscription. Fortunately, Sir Humphrey was able to manipulate a few polls and the opinions of the other members of the cabinet and the Prime Minister decided that it would perhaps be better to go with a speech that announced (and said) nothing. The highlight of this episode was Hacker practicing for the broadcast. Paul Eddington perfectly captured the character’s mix of earnestness and self-importance. Hacker truly wants to be the best prime minister that he can be but he also doesn’t want to say anything that could run the risk of damaging his future political prospects. Early in the episode, he was stunned when Bernard explained to him that, as Prime Minister, he was really only required to work seven hours a week. By the end of the episode, Hacker seemed to be much more comfortable with the idea.

Retro Television Reviews: Welcome Back Kotter 2.7 “Sweathog, Nebraska Style” and 2.8 “Sadie Hawkins Day”

Posted on September 16, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Julie’s sister shows up and Juan Epstein falls in love.

Episode 2.7 “Sweathog, Nebraska Style”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 11th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Oscar, who was harassed one day by three bikers and who responded by “driving over three motorcycles in the parking lot.”

Unfortunately, Julie is not really interested in jokes this week. Her teenage sister, Jenny (Susan Pratt), suddenly shows up in Brooklyn and explains that she has left Nebraska because she had a fight with her longtime boyfriend, Roger Abernathy. Julie insists that Jenny attend classes at Buchanan High but is horrified when Jenny promptly starts to date Juan Epstein! Julie even goes up to the school to complain to the principal, Mr. Lazarus, about her sister dating a Sweathog. (Never mind, of course, that Julie herself married a former Sweathog.) This episode also establishes that the never-seen Mr. Lazarus is apparently best friends with Juan Epstein.

Jenny finally agrees to return to Nebraska but just because Epstein is planning on going back with her. Not even Barbarino and Freddie dressing up as farmers and Horshack putting on a cow outfit can convince Epstein to stay in New York. But then Roger Abernathy calls from Nebraska, apologizes for arguing with Jenny, and Jenny dumps Epstein and heads back home alone.

After Jenny leaves, Gabe tells Julie about his uncle SitDownThere Kotter, who got that name because of the time he stood up in a movie theater and everyone yelled, “Hey, sit down there!”

“That is the worst joke I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” Julie replies. Gabe looks sincerely hurt.

Actually, Julie doesn’t come across particularly well in this episode, flat out announcing that Juan Epstein is not good enough for her sister and basically acting like the biggest snob in Brooklyn. It’s hard not to feel bad for Epstein, who seems to have genuine feelings for Jenny but who gets rather abruptly dumped at the last minute. For all the talk about how moving to Nebraska would be a strange thing for Epstein to do, it probably would have also been a good thing for him. He would be free of his reputation for “being most likely to take a life” and he could start his own life all over again. In the end, though, Jenny abandons him and returns to Roger. According to the IMDb, this is Jenny’s only appearance on Welcome Back Kotter, so I’m going to assume that things went well for her back in Omaha.

Let’s move on.

Episode 2.8 “Sadie Hawkins Day”

(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on November 18th, 1976)

Gabe tells Julie about his cousin Shermie, who didn’t start talking until he was 9 years old. Shermie’s first words were “cereal bowl.”

It’s time for the Sadie Hawkins Day Dance at Buchanan High! Barbarino is scandalized by the idea of girls asking out boys. “You know when girls should be able to ask us out?” Barbarino tells Horshack, “When they can get us in …. trouble.” Barbarino does, however, give Horshack some advice on how to get a date. His hair should always look like it’s been dried by the wind. Horshack should always use the “Barbarino stance,” which is defined as looking like you don’t care one way or the other. Barbarino sings his Ba-Ba-Barbarino song while showing Horshack how to relax. The audience loves it.

Barbarino is not the only person who has an issue with Sadie Hawkins Day. Mr. Woodman hides out in Gabe’s class and pretends to be a student in order to prevent Ms. Fishbeck from asking him out. Gabe tells Woodman that no one is going to mistake him for a Sweathog.

“Hi there,” Woodman replies, doing his best Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington impersonation.

Eventually, Ms. Fishbeck does manage to track down Mr. Woodman, hiding in the teacher’s lounge and jumping out of a cupboard. Barbarino, however, is less lucky than either Woodman or Fishbeck. With the day of the dance rapidly approaching, Barbarino doesn’t have a date! Barbarino is so self-absorbed that he doesn’t even realize when someone is trying to work up the courage to ask him out. Later, when one girl does find the courage to ask Barbarino to the dance, Barbarino turns her down because he doesn’t want anyone to learn that he didn’t get a date until the day before the dance. Gabe points out that Barbarino’s actions don’t make any sense. “It’s not easy being a living legend,” Barbarino explains.

Despite not having a date, Barbarino does show up at Buchanan High on the night of the dance. However, instead of joining everyone in the courtyard, he decides to sit in Gabe’s classroom. Gabe finds him in the room and starts to tell Barbarino a story about his time as a student at Buchanan High. “No more stories!” Barbarino begs before heading down to the courtyard. Barbarino confesses to the other Sweathogs that he doesn’t have a date. However, Judy Borden (Helaine Lembeck), making her first appearance since the end of the first season, reveals that she doesn’t have a date either. Quickly adopting the Barbarino Stance, Barbarino becomes Judy’s date. Everyone dances and, even though we’re supposed to laugh at Barbarino ending up with the loud and obnoxious Judy, they actually make a really cute couple.

As the dance wraps up, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Atlas, who used to play handball with a guy named Morty.

This episode worked largely due to the performance of John Travolta, who does a good job of portraying both Barbarino’s well-meaning stupidity and his (often hidden) sensitivity. On the one hand, Barbarino had no one to blame but himself. On the other hand, the scene where gazed out the classroom window at all of his friends having fun was actually a little heart-breaking. Personally, I hope things work out for Barbarino and Judy. They’re a great couple!

Next week: Horshack wants to become a boxer!

Retro Television Reviews: T and T 1.11 “Junkyard Blues” and 1.12 “Killing Time”

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Amy loses her car and her mind!

Episode 1.11 “Junkyard Blues”

(Dir by Dan McCutcheon, originally aired on March 21st, 1988)

“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “Amy’s car goes missing and so does Amy. And I finally get my day in court!”

Amy is not having a good day. She’s running later for court so she parks her car in a no-parking zone. When she gets to court, she discovers that she forgot to bring an important file. Fortunately, the judge delays the start of the trial until Amy is prepared to proceed. (Canadian judges are super nice!) T.S. Turner tells Amy not to worry.

“Even good guys have a bad day!” he tells her.

Amy’s day is just about to get worse because, upon leaving the courthouse, she discovers that her car has been towed! She goes from lot to lot, trying to find who towed her car but everyone tells her the same thing. None of them towed a ’78, black VW convertible. Amy tracks down the only witness to the car being taken, a 14 year-old named Sydney (Tara Strong). Sydney is an aspiring journalist and she declares that Amy’s car getting stolen “could be the story that I’ve been waiting for!”

Amy finally returns to the office and, after snapping at administrative assistant Sophie, Amy says, “Pokey’s been stolen!”

“Why would any want to steal Pokey?” Sophie asks.

“It’s a classic! They just don’t make cars like that anymore!” Amy shouts.

“Easy, Amy,” T.S. says, “If it’s stolen, I’ll find it for you.”

Amy, however, is determined to find the car herself. T.S. objects and points out that he’s the private investigator and that Amy is the attorney who is due in court on several important matters. In a move that would get an American lawyer disbarred, Amy tells T.S. to handle all of her court stuff while she looks for her car. She then thinks that she sees Pokey being driven past the office so she runs outside and chases after it, yelling, “That’s my car!”

Somehow, 14 year-old Sydney figures out that Amy’s car has been taken to a chop shop. While Amy takes an adolescent that she barely knows into a potentially deadly situation, T.S. Turner goes to court and plays the role of lawyer. Fortunately, he’s able to get yet another continuance, which is a bit anticlimactic when you consider the potential of Mr. T playing someone pretending to be an attorney.

While T.S. potentially ruins her client’s life, Amy and the teenage girl who she has known for less than a day break into a criminal-controlled junkyard so that they can search for her car. As I watched Amy and Sydney sneak around the auto yard, I found myself wondering if Sydney had parents and if they knew that she was putting her life at risk to help an attorney find a VW convertible named Pokey.

Fortunately, T.S. gets out of court in time to head down to the junkyard, toss around the car thieves, and help Amy rescue her car from being smashed. Unfortunately, even after knocking out the thieves (“Goodnight, brother,” T.S. says.), T.S. is still not able to prevent Amy from accidentally destroying her car while trying to figure out how to lower it from the junkyard crane.

“It’s okay, Amy,” T.S. says, “So what if you’re not a good detective?”

“It was just a car,” Sydney says.

“THERE’S NO OTHER CAR LIKE THAT IN THE WORLD!” Amy yells at the teenager who risked her life to help a total stranger.

Presumably because he doesn’t want to have to spend the rest of his life listening to Amy complain about her car, T.S. buys Amy a new black VW convertible.

In the past, I’ve wondered why this show usually only focuses on one of the T’s. Now I understand that it’s because Amy Taler, the other T, is an incredibly annoying character who will risk other people’s lives and not even say thank you afterwards. This episode featured too many scenes of Amy yelling about her car and not enough scenes of T.S. gruffly telling people to stay out of his way. I mean, I love my car too but I’m not going to force a stranger to break into a chop shop with me to search for it. I’d probably ask my sisters to do it.

Anyway, let’s move on.

Episode 1.12 “Killing Time”

(Dir by Dan McCutcheon, originally aired on March 21st, 1998)

“On this week’s episode,” Mr. T tells us, “Amy and I get put on full alert when an escaped killer come back in town, seeking revenge.”

Years ago, Joe Nichols (played by Geza Kovacs, a favorite of David Cronenberg’s) was convicted of murdering his ex-wife’s new husband. The key testimony in the case against him was given by his five year-old daughter, Wendy (Mairon Bennett). And who was the prosecutor who sent Joe to prison? Amy Taler!

Yes, apparently Amy was prosecutor before she went into private practice. It’s kind of interesting how the show is continually revealing contradictory details about Amy’s past, almost as if the show’s writers were making up the character as they went along. Amy tells T.S. that the Nichols case was the last she prosecuted before switching sides. Joe Nichols was a viscous killer and he needed to be taken off the streets so I’m not sure why the Nichols case would be the one that would lead to Amy resigning from the prosecutor’s office.

Anyway, Joe escapes from prison and returns to whatever Canadian city T and T is supposed to take place in. The cops think that Joe is coming for his daughter but T.S. thinks that Joe is actually after Amy and decides to stake out Amy’s apartment so that he can beat up Joe when he shows up. And that’s what happens.

Seriously, that was pretty much the entire episode. That 30-minute run time pretty much guaranteed that T and T would always keep everything direct and to the point. Geza Kovacs is as menacing in this episode as he was as Greg Stillson’s bodyguard in Cronenberg’s adaptation of The Dead Zone. But it’s hard not to regret that this episode lacked the usual T.S. Turner quips. Other than yelling at a cop for calling him and “interrupting my cookie break,” T.S. didn’t have many memorable lines in this episode which, to me, defeats the whole purpose of casting Mr. T as a private investigator.

Well, that’s two disappointing episodes of T. and T! Hopefully, next week will be a return to form for both the show and T.S. Turner.

Here’s The Trailer For John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams!

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams is an upcoming horror anthology, in which “true” tales of horror are dramatized. I’m not really sure how involved John Carpenter really is with the production but his name in the title is enough to ensure that I’ll be watching the premiere on October 13th.

Here’s the trailer!

Retro Television Reviews: South Central 1.5 “Men” and 1.6 “Dad”

Posted on September 14, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing South Central, which aired, for 10 episodes, on Fox in 1994. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, James Mosely returns to South Central!

Episode 1.5 “Men”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on May 10th, 1994)

Because Tasha has a babysitting job and Andre is sneaking out of the house so that he can check in on Nicole, Joan finally has a night to herself. She goes next door, where Sweets (Paula Kelly) is throwing a party. Sweets thinks that Joan should hook up with Dr. Ray McHenry (Ken Page), who is Andre’s mentor and who also brings in a $100,000 a year and who is also obviously in love with Joan.

Joan, however, is more interested in Isaiah (Michael Beach), who is a local food distributor who comes to the Co-Op on a daily basis and demands to be paid for the food that he’s dropped off. Isaiah and Joan start talking and Joan is impressed to learn that Isaiah is also an independent building contractor and that he manages two apartment buildings. When Joan mentions that there are still cracks in her bedroom from the last earthquake, Isaiah offers to come over to her house and take a look at them. Joan takes him up on his offer.

Just when Joan and Isaiah are starting to get romantic, Tasha comes home from babysitting and see Joan and Isaiah kissing. Tasha, who still believes that her father is going to come back into her life at any minute, gets upset and runs out of the house. (As the child of divorced parents, this scene hit pretty close to home for me.) Tasha does eventually return, as does Andre. They both demands to know how Joan could bring some other man into the house. Andre shouts that Joan should stop leading on Ray. (Ray, of course, is standing in the room when he does so.) Joan tells both of her children that her personal life is her business and that she doesn’t owe them any explanations.

Of course, the next day, Joan tells Isaiah that she doesn’t feel like she can get into a relationship with him or anyone else. Her life is too complicated. Isaiah promises to wait until it’s less complicated.

This episode was a good example of what made South Central far more interesting than other sitcoms. Joan loves her children and she has sacrificed a lot to take care of them. But, as this episode shows, she’s not always happy about that fact. Having gotten married young and also having had to drop out of college after her divorce, Joan feels that she’s missed out on a lot of experiences. At the same time, I can understand why both Tasha and Andre felt upset. Andre doesn’t want anyone taking his role as “man of the house,” (though it’s not a role for which Andre is well-suited) and Tasha doesn’t want anyone replacing her father. And then you have poor old Ray, who is the nicest character on the show and who, if we’re going to be honest, allows himself to be taken advantage of by both Joan and Andre. None of the characters are all good or all bad. Instead, they’re all very human.

That said, this episode suffers a bit because Michael Beach, who is normally a very good actor, gives an oddly stiff performance as Isaiah. He’s handsome enough that it’s believable that Joan would want to invite him back to her room but the character doesn’t really have enough of a personality for one to feel that Joan is missing out by not having a long-term relationship with him.

Episode 1.6 “Dad”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on May 17th, 1994)

Tasha is celebrating her 14th birthday but she’s not happy. She’s not happy about the decorations that Joan has hung in the backyard for her party. (“It looks like Deion did them,” she snaps about the decorations that Joan was up until four in the morning preparing.) She’s not happy when she discovers that the meat for the hamburgers was purchased at the Ujamaa co-op. (I agree. Co-op food is the worst.) She’s especially not happy because she has yet to receive a present in the mail from her father, James. Andre says that she’ll be grown and working at the post office herself before she ever receives anything from their father. Joan is upset over Tasha’s resentful attitude but she keeps repeating, “It’s her day.”

As opposed to his sister, Andre is happy because Nicole comes to the party with her friend, Candi (Madlina Williams). Though Andre’s friend, Rashad, originally dismisses Nicole as being “bougie,” he changes his mind as soon as he sees Candi. As for Nicole, she seems to be excited about finally seeing Andre’s house but it’s hard not to feel that Rashad has a point. In many ways, Nicole comes across like the type of rich activists who are convinced that they know what it’s like to struggle because they spent a week “living the wage.”

Halfway into the party, Tasha and Andre’s father, James (Glenn Plummer), shows up in the backyard. While Tasha is overjoyed to see her father, neither Joan nor Andre are happy to see him. James turns out to be very charismatic and soon, for everyone but Andre, he’s the life of the party. He even manages to get Joan to dance with him. When two gang members show up, uninvited, and nearly get into a fight with Andre, James is the one who is able to talk them into leaving the party. Everyone treating James like a hero is too much for Andre and the two of them argue. James accuses Joan of not properly raising Andre and says that Joan only cares about money and material things. James reveals that it was Joan who kicked him out of the house and demanded a divorce. James also suggests that Joan’s bad parenting is what led to Marcus’s death. Joan slaps James and orders him to leave but then she can only watch in horror as Tasha leaves with him.

Six hours later, Tasha returns home. When Joan asks Tasha what she and her father did for six hours, Tasha just says that they talked and had dinner and that they returned one of Joan’s presents so that James could use the money to buy a new jacket for Tasha. Joan says that Tasha can love her father but it would be nice if she could occasionally show some appreciation for everything that Joan does for her on a daily basis. The episode ends with the sound of Tasha sobbing.

Happy birthday!

Once again, I found myself very much relating to Tasha in this episode. On the one hand, it’s easy to see that, underneath James’s charm, he’s basically an immature man who can barely take care of himself. Tasha has idealized him, largely because she doesn’t have to deal with him on a day-to-day basis. He’s just someone who sends her gifts and tells her that her mother is the reason why they can’t be a family. At the same time, Joan may want to be thanked but how often has she thanked Tasha for taking care of Deion? Joan has sacrificed a lot for her kids but Tasha is often expected to sacrifice a lot as well. Andre gets away with everything because no one expects him to be responsible. Tasha, meanwhile, is expected to always be the responsible one. In the end, both James and Joan are guilty of making Tasha’s birthday about themselves instead of allowing it to be about Tasha.

That’s a pretty heavy theme for a sitcom but that’s what set South Central apart from other shows of the era. It’s also probably the main reason why South Central only lasted 10 episodes. As well-acted and well-written as this episode is, it’s still a birthday episode that ends with a 14 year-old girl sobbing in her living room. There’s not a laugh track in the world that’s going to lessen that pain.

Next week: Andre gets a gun!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 3.6 “Gopher’s Greatest Hits/The Vacation/One Rose A Day”

Posted on September 13, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Gopher sings!

Episode 3.6 “Gopher’s Greatest Hits/The Vacation/One Rose A Day”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin, originally aired on October 13th, 1979)

What a pleasant cruise this turned out to be!

Two sisters, Joan (Joanna Cassidy) and Olivia (Jaye P. Morgan), are apparently regulars on the boat. They sail so often that Captain Stubing literally jumps for joy when he sees that they are once again on the ship. Joan and Olivia always take the cruise together and usually, they have a wild time. But this year, Olivia is shocked when Joan shows up with her husband, Byron (Conrad Janis)! Byron is a bit uptight and not at all happy when he starts to hear stories about how wild his wife and sister-in-law have gotten in the past. He assumes that Joan has cheated on him. She hasn’t but Olivia has cheated on her husband. In the end, Olivia continues to have fun and Joan decides that it’s time to settle down. This story suffered a bit because Byron came across as being insufferably self-righteous but Joanna Cassidy and Jaye P. Morgan were believable as sisters. As someone who has enjoyed a wild vacation or two with her sisters, I could relate.

Meanwhile, Janet Latham (Martha Scott) is taking her first vacation since the death of her husband. Her florist, Henry (Don Ameche), is also on the cruise. Every day, during their marriage, Janet’s husband would have Henry deliver a single white rose to Janet. After her husband died, Henry continued to deliver the roses to Janet. He allowed Janet to believe that her husband had arranged for her to continue to receive the daily roses but it turns out that Henry has been delivering them on his own because he’s fallen in love with her. Janet does fall in love with Henry on the ship, though she fears that she’s betraying her husband’s memory. Fortunately, by the end of the cruise, she’s ready to take another shot on love. This story worked wonderfully, largely due to the sincere and heartfelt performances of Martha Scott and Don Ameche. There was a tremendous amount of sincerity to their love story and it was impossible not to smile at the sight of them leaving the cruise together.

Finally, Julie has a problem! The singer that she scheduled to perform in the Acapulco Lounge gets the mumps and has to cancel at the last minute. Julie has to find a replacement. Fortunately, it turns out that Gopher has a great singing voice. He performs at the Lounge, wearing a pink tuxedo and acting like a drunk brat packer. The audiences loves him. The captain, once skeptical, applauds. Gopher thinks that they love his singing but actually, they all think that he’s parodying a bad lounge act. When the captain congratulates Gopher for being a brilliant comedian, the crestfallen Gopher says that he’s only going to sing in the shower from now on. So, Julie arranges for a fake shower to be placed in the middle of the Acapulco Lounge so that Gopher can sing Danny Boy while Isaac holds a watering can over his head. Again, the captain loves it. This was undoubtedly a goofy storyline but goofiness was Fred Grandy’s strong suit and it’s hard not to smile at his over-the-top interpretation of Mack the Knife.

This was a good episode that really showed how much fun The Love Boat could be at its best. From the sentimental Don Ameche/Martha Scott storyline to Fred Grandy dancing around the pool, this was an entertaining cruise.