Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 3/10/24 — 3/16/24

Posted on March 16, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On Sunday, I discovered that there are hundreds of episodes of Blind Date on YouTube. Blind Date was an early reality show, where two strangers would be set up on a blind date and the cameras would follow them as they searched for a deeper connection. The show was distinguished by its snarky attitude, which was usually represented by thought balloons that would show what the two people were “really” thinking. While plenty of episodes featured likable people who went on good dates, the disastrous dates were always a lot more fun to watch.

And I’ve watched a lot of them this week. Whenever I’ve been bored or I’ve found myself struggling to focus, I’ve pulled up an episode of Blind Date and …. well, I’d be lying if I said the show was making me more productive. If anything, I’ve probably wasted a lot of time on it. But still, it makes me smile when I need to smile.

On Sunday, I also watched The Oscars. I wrote about the show here. For the most part, it was an entertaining show and I’m glad Christopher Nolan finally won his Oscar. I’ve been thinking a lot about Jonathan Glazer’s acceptance speech, of which I was not a fan. Zone of Interest is an important film and Glazer’s speech can’t change that. Still, I’m having to do now what I always tell me friends they should do whenever they discover one of their favorite directors or actors isn’t as much of a leftist as they are. I always tell them to stop whining and just separate the work from the artist. And now I’m discovering that is easier said than done. I may owe some of my friends an apology.

On Tuesday, I watched a 90s talk show called Rolanda. Rolanda interviewed gang members who wanted to come out of the closet.

On Wednesday, I was excited to watch both Survivor and The Amazing Race! Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to full concentrate on either show because I got a call halfway through Survivor but I plan on rewatching both episodes tomorrow. Survivor, I have to admit, hasn’t really worked for me lately. Ever since it came back from the Pandemic hiatus, Survivor has felt like a shadow of its past self. But I continue to unreservedly love The Amazing Race.

On Friday, I watched episodes of Vanishing Shadow and Night Flight on Night Flight Plus. The Night Flight episode featured film directors who made music videos. I’ve noticed that every episode of Night Flight finds an excuse to show Brian DePalma’s video for Relax and this episode was no different.

On Saturday morning, I watched the first episode of an old anime called Bubblegum Crash. I have no idea what was going on for most of it but a lot of stuff did blow up.

Also Watched And Reviewed Elsewhere:

Baywatch Nights

Check It Out! — Review upcoming

CHiPs

Fantasy Island

Friday the 13th: The Series

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.13 “Swine and Punishment”

Posted on March 16, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, in a special Thanksgiving episode, Freddie is accused of cheating.

Episode 3.13 “Swine and Punishment”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on November 24th, 1977)

At the new apartment, Gabe tells Julie about the time his Uncle Thomas came across a man who had his ear to the ground. Uncle Thomas listened to the ground and heard nothing. The man agreed and said that it had been that way for hours. It was a bit of an odd joke but Julie laughed.

Meanwhile, at the school, Mr. Woodman interrupts Gabe’s class to announce that Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington passed his English test. He got a 94!

YAY!

Mr. Woodman says that there’s no way that Freddie could have passed the test without cheating.

Boo! Hiss! Hiss!

Seriously, Mr. Woodman’s usually a great character and John Sylvester White’s unhinged performance is one of the few consistently funny things about this show (especially in the later seasons) but Woodman is the worst in this episode. One of the Sweathogs finally does well in a class that isn’t taught by Mr. Kotter and Woodman accuses him of cheating. No wonder the Sweathogs don’t have any self-esteem.

Woodman says that Freddie can prove his innocence by taking and passing a make-up exam. Freddie refuses and Gabe supports him. But when the other Sweathogs talk about how proud they are of Freddie, Freddie relents and agrees to take the makeup test.

That night, Freddie shows up at the Kotter apartment. After thanking Gabe for supporting him, Freddie reveals that he did cheat on the first test. He cheated because he knew the material (apparently, Freddie is a huge fan of Alexandre Dumas and The Three Musketeers) and he couldn’t stand the idea of getting a bad grade on material that he knew. Freddie’s self-esteem is so low that he’s convinced that he can’t pass a test without cheating.

Awwwwww! Poor Freddie!

With Gabe’s encouragement, Freddie takes the makeup exam without cheating. (The other Sweathogs attempt to write the answers on a gyro sandwich but Horshack screws it up by putting mustard on the sandwich and …. well, look, it was all really dumb, okay?) Freddie again passes the exam, this time getting an 84.

Yay!

But Gabe tells Freddie that he still needs to tell the truth about cheating on the first exam….

WHAT!? Gabe — what are you thinking!?

Freddie agrees that Gabe is right and I can only assume that he got kicked out of school as a result. Sorry, Freddie, it was nice knowing you.

Back at the Kotter apartment, Julie refuses to listen to Gabe talk about his Uncle Robert so Gabe talks to the Thanksgiving turkey instead.

This episode felt very familiar to me and eventually, I realized that it was basically just a remake of the season two episode where Freddie was accused of stealing from the Sweathog emergency fund. Of course, during the earlier seasons, there’s no way Gabe would have pressured Freddie to confess. By the time the third season rolled around, the Sweathogs and Gabe had lost a bit of their edge and were now more concerned with being good role models.

That said, this episode deserves some credit for giving Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs a showcase. Of all the Sweathogs, Freddie was often the one who was regulated to just standing in the background and looking cool. With this episode, the viewer is reminded that Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs was a good actor in his own right and capable of playing both drama and comedy.

Next week …. it’s Epstein’s turn in the spotlight!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.21 “Double Exposure”

Posted on March 15, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, a reporter uses a cursed camera to make the news!

Episode 1.21 “Double Exposure”

(Dir by Neill Fearnley, originally aired on May 16th, 1988)

As you may remember, at the end of the previous episode, Ryan reluctantly left the Pentite Community and returned to Toronto so that he could continue to help Micki and Jack track down the cursed antiques. When he left, he promised Laura that he would always love her.

Well, that didn’t last long. This episode opens with a Ryan in a photobooth, taking pictures of himself and his new girlfriend, Cathy! RYAN, YOU CAD! Now, in Ryan’s defense, Cathy is played by Catherine Disher (who previously played the supercool Sophie in the first season of T and T) and she seems like a much better match for Ryan than the somewhat dour Laura. Cathy and Ryan actually have fun together! Of course, this is Friday the 13th and that means that all fun is temporary.

There’s a serial killer stalking Toronto and Ryan just happens to witness him murdering his latest victim in an alley. To Ryan’s shock, the killer appears to Winston Knight (Gary Frank), a television news anchorman who is currently getting huge rating because of his reporting on the killings. But how can that be? When Ryan witnesses the murder, Winston is live on the air, delivering the news. Winston even gets a phone call from someone claiming to be the murderer.

Winston speculates that the killer might be an obsessed fan who is wearing a Winston Knight mask. Of course, the truth of the matter is that Winston is using a cursed camera to take a picture of himself. The picture then turns into a doppelganger of Winston. The Doppelganger commits a murder, Winston reports on the tragedy, and then, after five hours, Winston sets the negative on fire and the Doppelganger is destroyed. If Winston doesn’t destroy the negative after five hours, Winston will be the one who is destroyed and the Doppelganger will become human. It all sounds a bit complicated, to be honest. You have to wonder how Winston managed to figure all of this out.

Anyway, the important thing is that Winston is eventually exposed as the murderer. While trying to kill Ryan at the antique store, the Doppelganger is stabbed by Ryan. It doesn’t hurt the Doppelganger until Winston fails to burn the negative and vanishes from existence. The Doppelganger becomes human and then promptly drops dead of his wound. Ryan conquers another cursed antique but, unfortunately, not before the Doppelganger murders Cathy. The episode ends not on a note of triumph but instead with Ryan looking at a picture of Cathy and tearing up.

Wow, what a dark episode! Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that, on this show, Ryan is basically a very naive and very earnest teenager. He falls in love easily, he always believes that things will turn out for the best, and his heart is broken nearly every time he has to retrieve an antique. Jack is used to the pain and Micki is a bit of a cynic but Ryan is still trying to balance happiness with the psychological damage that comes from seeing the worst things possible on a weekly basis. John D. LeMay and Catherine Disher were adorable together and it was hard not to get a bit upset when Cathy fell victim to the Doppelganger. This episode was sad but undeniably effective.

Poor Ryan!

Retro Television Review: T and T 2.20 “A Natural Death”

Posted on March 15, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, the second season comes to an end!

Episode 2.20 “A Natural Death”

(Dir by Patrick Loubert, originally aired on May 22nd, 1989)

When a patient nearly dies at a hospital, the blame is placed on a nurse named Eloise (Elizabeth Hanna). Eloise is accused of falling asleep at her station. However, Eloise has never fallen asleep at her station in the past and she has a reputation for being a good nurse. Eloise retain Amy Taler to defend her at a board hearing and Amy sends T.S. to the hospital to investigate.

T.S. discovers that the patient is a retired gangster and he starts to suspect that maybe Eloise was set up by someone who wants him dead. But when Eloise herself announces that she no longer wants to to work at the hospital, T.S. comes to suspect that there’s even more to the story.

Oddly enough, there isn’t more to the story. A doctor who owes money to the mob drugged Eloise’s coffee and caused Eloise to fall asleep. The doctor then agreed to help Eloise find work at another hospital in return for dropping her appeal. When the gangsters shows up and demand that the doctor personally kill the patient, he agrees but — surprise! — he was just pretending to agree until T.S., Amy, and the cops could show up.

What a weird episode with which to end the second season. The mystery isn’t much of a mystery. T.S. Turner doesn’t beat anyone up. For whatever reason, both Amy and T.S. appear to be annoyed with the world in general for much of this episode. Amy rolls her eyes when Decker says that he wants to become a better businessman so his gym doesn’t go bankrupt. Turner rolls his eyes when Amy tells him that she wants him to investigate the hospital. Joe, the orphan who Amy and Turner more-or-less adopted at the start of the second season, is nowhere to be seen. This does not, in any way, feel like a season finale and it wouldn’t surprise me to discover that it had been meant to air earlier in the season.

What to say about the second season? It definitely wasn’t as good as the first season. If the first season was fun and energetic, the second season often felt dour. The cast often seemed to just be going through the motions and there was little of the intentional humor that occasionally distinguished the first season. Turner’s quips were a bit less amusing and the show didn’t seem to have the slightest idea what to do with Amy.

Speaking of Amy, this episode was also the finale for her character. Season 3 finds Tuner working for a new lawyer. We’ll find out more next week when we start looking at the final season of T and T.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 1.24 & 1.25 “Thoroughbreds”

Posted on March 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, season one concludes with a two-part episode.

Episodes 1.24 and 1.25 “Thoroughbreds”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on May 1st and 8th, 1985)

For their last assignment of the first season, Jonathan and Mark are sent to work at a stable owned by the wealthy Mr. Armstong (Stephen Elliott). Lizzy MacGill (a young Helen Hunt) is the daughter of one of Amrstrong’s employees (Noble Willingham) and has practically grown up at the stables. She loves horses and, as the first episode progresses, she also falls in love with Mr. Armstrong’s spoiled son, Garth (John Hammond).

Garth falls in love with Lizzie as well, learning how to be both a better horseman and just a better man from his interactions with her. Despite his father’s threat to disown him, Garth breaks off his engagement to Ms. Richy McSnobby Snob (that may not have been her actual name) and he elopes with Lizzie.

Yay!

Except …. Lizzie has cancer and she doesn’t know it! The test comes back on the exact same day that she runs off with Garth. Part one ends with two fathers in tears, though each for different reasons.

At the start of Part Two, Jonathan tracks down Lizzie and informs her of her diagnosis. Without telling Garth what’s going on, she returns home and is informed that 1) she must start chemotherapy immediately and 2) she’s pregnant. Her doctor (Richard Bull) tells Lizzie that she’ll have to have an abortion if she wants to start treatment. Lizzie runs from the hospital.

As for Garth, he naturally wants to know what’s going on. Lizzie lies to him and tells him that she only wanted him for his father’s money and since he’s now cut-off, they might as well just call off the marriage as well. Heart-broken, Garth decides to marry RIchy McSnobby Snob.

Worst ending ever, right? Well, don’t worry, it’s not over yet. Jonathan and Mark crash the wedding (and Jonathan tells a lie to get into the church, which I thought was a no-no for angels) and Jonathan causes A FIRE TO BREAK OUT IN THE CHURCH’S BASEMENT! Again, this does not seem like good angel behavior. Anyway, all the smoke gives Garth time to realize that he actually does love Lizzie and, after Mark informs him about why Lizzie actually left him, Garth rushes back to Lizzie and they go to the local Justice of the Peace to get married. Fortunately, Jonathan is able to convince Mr. Elliott to come to that wedding as well.

The episode ends with a flashforward, in which we see Lizzie and Garth’s toddler son playing outside while an apparently healthy Lizzie watches.

Yay!

It’s not a bad way to end the first season, though I do think the story could have just as easily been told in one episode as opposed to two. (The first episode especially feels padded out.) Helen Hunt and John Hammond made for a perfectly adorable couple and their chemistry ensured that the show’s signature mix of sentimentality and melodrama never felt too cloying. All in all, this was a good ending to a fairly strong first season.

Next week, season 2 begins!

Retro Television Reviews: Puppetman 1.1 “Pilot”

Posted on March 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Puppetman, which aired on CBS in 1987. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we have the pilot for Puppetman, a sitcom that was created by the people behind the Muppets.

Episode 1.1 “Puppetman”

(Dir by Alan Rafkin, originally aired on July 3rd, 1987)

Gary (Fred Newman) is a puppeteer who spends most of his day hiding beneath a cardboard wall while speaking in the voice of a naive dragon. Much like the guy from the Police Academy films, Gary does a lot of other sound effects as well. Who needs to pay for an SFX department when Gary can perfectly duplicate any sound that’s needed? Gary works on a PBS puppet show that is hosted by the mercurial Rita (Julie Payne). His co-puppeteers are Del (Richard Hunt) and Holly (Lisa Waltz). It would seem that he has the perfect life, though it’s hard not to notice that Gary seems to be a lot more comfortable expressing his emotions through his puppets than through face-to-face conversation.

Gary’s ex-wife calls and explains that she has an audition for a play. She asks if Gary can look after their six year-old son, Zack (Michael Patrick Carter). Gary agrees, though he worries about whether or not he’ll be as good a full-time father as he was a part-time father. At first, Zack is excited to spend time with his father but then he’s bitterly disappointed when Gary has to keep abandoning him because of the demands of his job. Gary is good at holding the show together but he’s less skilled at meeting the emotional needs of a six year-old.

Gary’s going to have to get better at it, though. When his wife calls and says that she got the part and she’s going to be on the road for the next six months, she asks Gary to take Zack. Gary agrees but first, he has to ask Zack. And what better way to ask Zack than to have a puppet do it for him?

The Puppetman pilot was co-written by Jim Henson, the creator of the Muppets. Perhaps not surprisingly, the pilot is at its best when it deals with what goes on behind-the-scenes of a PBS children’s show. The stuff with Zack is rather rudimentary but the pilot actually comes to life when it deals with temperamental grown-ups and idealized puppets. When Rita decides to sing a song without giving anyone any advance warning and the puppeteers decide to upstage Rita by having one of the dragon puppets sneeze on her, it’s obvious that Henson was writing from his own personal experiences.

To be honest, this was kind of a depressing pilot. Gary is a nice guy and he’s likable and he wants to be a good father but it’s obvious that he can only express his emotions through his puppets. As a result, Zack is far more comfortable talking to the puppets than talking to his own father. Throughout the whole pilot, one gets the feeling that Gary has been so deeply wounded in the past that he’s scared to open up. Even the show’s laugh track sounds kind of sad.

Perhaps that explains why only one episode of Puppetman aired. Gary agreed to watch Zack for six months but America would not be watching either one of them.

Late Night Retro Television Reviews: Monsters 1.23 “Mannikins of Horror”

Posted on March 13, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

Uh-oh! Here come the Mannikins of Horror!

Episode 1.23 “Mannikins of Horror”

(Dir by Ernest Farino, originally aired on May 20th, 1989)

In a dystopian future, a once renowned surgeon named Dr. Collin (William Prince) is a “patient” in a mental health facility that is more of a prison than a hospital. Dr. Collin is obsessed with dying but he believes that he has found a way to transfer his soul into the very detailed, anatomically-correct clay figurines that he has made in his cell.

Dr. Jarris (Glynis Barber) thinks that Dr. Collin can be cured but the new head of the asylum, Dr. Starr (Brian Brophy), disagrees. Starr believes that Collin is beyond saving and of no use to society. And, in the future, those who do not have a use are euthanized. Dr. Starr does not care that Dr. Collin once saved thousands of lives during the world’s most recent war. He doesn’t care that Dr. Collin truly believes that he can make the world a better place through his research. Dr. Starr has not time for imagination or speculation. He is all about following procedure and observing protocol. The arrogant Dr. Starr even takes away Dr. Collin’s figurines.

That’s a mistake because guess what? Those figurines are alive! And when Dr. Starr drinks a bit too much Vodka and passes out in his office, one of the figurines picks up a scalpel and stabs Dr. Starr in the eye, killing him. When Dr. Jarris discover what has happened, she smashes the figurine’s head against Dr. Starr’s desk. Dr. Collin screams in his cell as his face collapse in on itself, leaving behind a bloody mess. Dr. Jarris huddles in a corner and starts to scream as the end credits roll.

YIKES!

Seriously, this was a really good episode. The clay figurines were certainly creepy and the scene where they attacked Dr. Starr was so graphic that I’m a bit surprised the show was able to get away with it. That said, what truly made this episode frightening was its portrayal of a society without compassion. Dr. Starr, who is more of a bureaucrat than a doctor, has the power to decide who is useful to society and who is not. And, if you’re deemed to not be useful, you’re marked for death. It’s a harsh worldview and an example of cold pragmatism taken to its logical extreme. It’s also feels like a pretty accurate representation of the attitude that many government and medical officials took during the COVID pandemic. Just as many seemed to be gleeful about the idea of the pandemic wiping out those who they considered to be undesirable, Dr. Starr can barely suppress his joy in punishing Dr. Collin for not being properly compliant. The little clay figures were scary but Dr. Starr was horrifying.

Monsters has been a fairly uneven show so far but Mannikins of Horror is a triumph.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.7 “The Horse Lover/Secretary to the Stars/Julie’s Decision/Gopher and Isaac Buy a Horse/Village People Ride Again”

Posted on March 13, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, they’re expecting you!

Episode 4.7 “The Horse Lover/Secretary to the Stars/Julie’s Decision/Gopher and Isaac Buy a Horse/Village People Ride Again”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 22nd, 1980)

Well, let’s see who is sailing on the Love Boat this week….

Uh-oh.

That’s right! This week, The Village People are taking a cruise! The disco group boards the boat while singing — you guessed it — In The Navy. Captain Stubing is a huge fan of the Village People and he’s excited to learn that they will not only be sailing on the boat but they will also be performing their new song, Magic Night. Stubing mentions that he wishes he could be a village person. He’s already got a hat! And he’s served in the Navy! Stubing never gets around to whether or not he spent the night at YMCA and that’s probably a good thing.

This week, the boat is sailing to Acapulco for the Acapulco Steeplechase. The Village People have entered a horse in the race, one that will be ridden by the Indian. Gopher and Isaac have also bought a horse and entered it into the race. They name the horse “Captain Stubing” and they go through a lot of trouble to keep the real Captain Stubing from finding out that they have snuck the horse on board. The thing is, though — there are a lot of horses on board! Nearly every passenger has brought a horse with them and the boat actually has a stable to hold them all during the cruise. I’m not really sure why it’s a problem for Gopher and Isaac to have a horse, other than the fact that they both spend a lot of time checking in on the horse. “Where is my crew!?” Stubing demands, while looking around the ship.

Paul Willis (Alan Ludden) is traveling with both his horse and his wife, Louise (Betty White). Louise is upset that Paul seems to care more about the horse than her. Louise even considers having a fling with Cliff (David Doyle), a man who wants to buy Paul’s horse.

Meanwhile, wealthy playboy Bret Garrett (Robert Stack) boards the ship and immediately falls in love with Julie. Despite a 30-year age difference, Bret asks Julie to marry him. This is the fourth or fifth times that a passenger has proposed to Julie during the course of a cruise. Julie is happy but the crew worries that Bret might be too worldly and chronically unfaithful for Julie.

Finally, movie star Kim Holland (Loni Anderson) puts on glasses and a brunette wig and pretends to be an Englishwoman named Doris, all in order to keep people from bothering her on the cruise. Tom Benson (Charles Frank) is obsessed, to an almost creepy extent, with Kim. But then he falls in love with Doris, who he believes to be Kim’s secretary. Tom fails to notice that 1) Doris looks just like Kim, just with glasses and brown hair and 2) Doris’s British accent doesn’t sound British at all. Instead, it sounds like an American trying really hard to sound British.

The Steeplechase is won, rather easily, by Paul. Both Gopher and the Indian end up getting thrown off their horses and they engage in a footrace to the finish line, for reasons that are not exactly clear. After the race, Paul finally realizes how much he’s been neglecting Louise and he sells the horse to Cliff. Meanwhile, Captain Stubing says that, next year, he’ll buy a horse with Gopher and Isaac and they’ll enter the horse into the race together. As for Bret, he realizes that he’s not right with Julie and he pretends to cheat on her so that she’ll dump him.

And what about Kim? Well, she tells Tom the truth and also reveals that her real name is June. “Kim, Doris, June,” Tom says, “I can’t wait to get to know all three of you.” Uhmm …. okay, not creepy at all. Anyway, Tom and Kim leave the boat together but, right this episode ended, Kim appeared on an episode of Fantasy Island, in which she was again single and looking to escape her fame. So, I guess she dumped Tom after a week. Good for her! Tom was super creepy.

Finally, all that is left to do is to say goodbye to the Village People.

This episode was an odd one. Robert Stack was charming as Bret, even if he didn’t have much chemistry with Lauren Tewes. Loni Anderson was fairly terrible as Kim, just as she would be on Fantasy Island. And the Village People …. I mean, where do I even begin? For a group associated with both disco and gay liberation, they came across as being an oddly dull collection of characters. Of course, it’s doubtful that the target audience of The Love Boat knew what In The Navy was about or even understood why the members of the group were costumed the way that they were. At one point, the Construction Worker even gives Julie an appreciate glance, as if the show’s producers were saying, “See, those rumors are just rumors!”

That said, I tend to like the odd episodes of The Love Boat and this episode functioned as a time capsule, if nothing else. All it needed was Charo and it could have been put in a museum!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 1.17 “Code of Silence”

Posted on March 12, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997. The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

This week, the stars align and David Hasselhoff finally meets …. THE YAKUZA!

Episode 1.17 “Code of Silence”

(Dir by Charles Bail, originally aired on March 16th, 1996)

While her mother has a desperate conversation on a nearby payphone, young Mariko (Nicole Iiada) wanders onto the beach and spots a sea gull who has gotten tangled up in a fishing net. Fortunately, Mitch Buchannon drives up in his red Baywatch jeep and is able to set the sea gull free. Unfortunately, no sooner has the sea gull flown away then a bunch of Yakuza pull up and promptly kidnap Mariko’s mom.

Is there a detective in the house?

Why, yes, there is!

Well, kinda….

This is yet another episode of Baywatch Nights in which Mitch gets involved in a case as a result of being a lifeguard as opposed to being a private investigator. Indeed, if not for the presence of Angie Harmon, there would be little to distinguish this from an episode of Baywatch. While watching the last few episodes of Baywatch Nights‘s first season, you really can tell that the producers were desperate to bring over the audience that was watching just plan Baywatch. If the first half of the first season was all about David Hasselhoff wearing suits and providing hard-boiled narration, the second half is more about getting everyone onto the beach as quickly as possible.

As for this week’s case, it turns out that the kidnapped woman is a geisha who has a computer disk that the Yakuza wants. While the members of the Yakuza are busy threatening her with all sorts of violence, Mitch is teaming up with her grandfather (played by Soon-Tek Oh) and trying to discover where she’s being held. When Garner and Mitch find out about the Yakuza’s secret headquarters, they launch an assault. You might think that this would be difficult, seeing as how the members of the Yakuza are all ruthless martial artists. Well, it turns out that karate is no match for Mitch’s fists. The ancient art of combat falls before the power of the Hoff.

Somewhat inevitably, the episode ends with Mitch being given two samurai swords by Soon-Tek Oh. When Mitch says that he can’t accept such an expensive gift, Soon-Tek Oh says that no one gets the swords as a gift. Instead, they must be earned by truly displaying the spirit of the samurai. Mitch looks truly touched while Angie Harmon suppresses a laugh.

David Hasselhoff vs. The Yakuza! Well, we all knew it was going to have to happen at some point. That said, I don’t think the Hoff was dealing with first-grade Yakuza. It seems like the Yakuza sent the B-team to California. Well, that was their mistake. It didn’t take much effort for the Hoff to track them down and defeat them and in fact, it felt almost too easy. The Yakuza probably thought the Hoff would be too busy recording a new album to care. Again, their mistake.

Never underestimate the Hoff!

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.16 “Chorus Girl/Surrogate Father”

Posted on March 12, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, Mr. Roarke is almost too clever for his own good.

Episode 4.16 “Chorus Girl/Surrogate Father”

(Dir by Richard Benedict, originally aired on February 21st, 1981)

Weird episode, this week.

Our first story features John Saxon, playing the role of Evan Watkins. Evan is a compulsive gambler and his fantasy is to make one huge score. Accompanying Evan is his young daughter, Amy (Nicole Eggert). Her fantasy is for Evan to give up gambling and start acting like a real father. On the Island, Evan and Amy meet Margo (Rosemary Forsyth), a social worker whose fantasy is to really make a difference in the life of someone who is in trouble. Basically, Mr. Roarke takes all three fantasies and just crams them together.

So, Evan does win big but then some gangsters show up, searching for him. And Amy does get her wish but not before Evan nearly abandons his family. And Margo, after some initial hesitation, falls in love with Evan and leaves the Island with him and Amy. It all works out but it still seems dangerous to mix together a bunch of fantasies like that. If one thing had gone wrong, Roarke would have been left with three unhappy customers instead of just one.

This fantasy was pretty predictable but it did give Herve Villechaize a chance to actually do something more than just stand around and ask Mr. Roarke questions. The scene where Tattoo comforts Amy by explaining that her father may be a man on the outside but is still just a scared child on the inside was wonderfully acted by Villechaize and rather sweet. Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island and was reportedly always on the verge of being fired for his behavior but, in this scene, he demonstrates why he was so important to the show. Mr. Roarke may be the owner of Fantasy Island but Tattoo is the heart.

The second fantasy is kind of creepy. Sheila Richards (Lisa Hartman) has been deaf since birth. She was raised by Franklin Adams (Stuart Whitman), who taught her how to dance. Unfortunately, Sheila can only dance by watching Franklin’s hand signals. Franklin’s fantasy is for Sheila to be able to hear for a weekend so she can audition for a world-famous choreographer. Franklin also wants to tell Sheila that he’s in love with her.

There’s a few problems here. Franklin is in his 50s while Sheila is in her 20s and has basically been dependent on him for her entire life. Franklin wants Sheila to hear him when he says, “I love you!” but he also goes to the Island with the knowledge that, at the end of the weekend, Sheila will again lose her hearing. It seems a bit cruel on Franklin’s part to put Sheila through all that when 1) he knows sign language and 2) Sheila can read lips. There’s nothing stopping Franklin from telling her how he feels.

The other problem is that the episode doesn’t seem to understand that there are many dancers who are hearing-impaired. Because they learn the choreography and can feel the vibrations of the music, they are fully capable of dancing without being dependent on someone signing to the them from the audience. One does not need to hear the music to be able to dance to it. Instead, one just has to be able to keep time and remember the choreography.

Anyway, as you can probably guess, Sheila falls in love with the world-famous choreographer, leaving Franklin heart-broken. However, at the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke introduces Franklin to a teenage girl who lives on the Island. Roarke explains that she’s deaf and asks Franklin to look after her while she goes to school in New York. Franklin agrees with a quickness that is a bit …. icky.

This whole fantasy felt like a mess, from Franklin’s oddly-conceived fantasy to the fact that Lisa Hartman was in no way convincing as someone who can’t hear. Whether Sheila can hear or not, the one thing that remains consistent is Hartman’s overacting. Even the usually reliable Ricardo Montalban seems to be annoyed by the whole fantasy.

This was a weird trip to the Island. What will next week’s journey reveal?