Category Archives: TV

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.16 “Sweatwork”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Arnold Horshack becomes the mad prophet of the air waves.

Episode 3.16 “Sweatwork”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on December 22nd, 1977)

At the new apartment, Gabe tells Julie about his Uncle Herman.  “He’s a sports mechanic,” Gabe explains, “He fixes basketball games.”

Hey, that’s illegal!

Meanwhile, at the school, Woodman asks to meet with Freddie.  Freddie agrees, even though Woodman has been acting strangely.  Woodman enters the classroom and immediately asks for a high five, holding up his hand and saying, “Right on, bro.  Skin me.”

Woodman is excited because the school board is giving money to every high school to start a radio station.  And the station that gets the highest ratings will receive a trophy.  Buchanan High has never won a trophy before.  Because Freddie has radio experience, Woodman want Freddie to be in charge of Buchanan’s station.  Freddie agrees.

“That’s groovy!” Woodman says.

Juan Epstein and Darth Vader at the station

Freddie makes Epstein the consumer repairs reporter while giving Horshack the lead anchor role.  (Vinnie is also said to be a reporter but John Travolta is never actually seen in this episode.)  Unfortunately, Horshack turns out to be ratings poison.

“He reminds me of Tokyo Rose,” Woodman says, while listening to Horshack.  “Bye bye, young G.I.”

Freddie follows Woodman’s orders and fires Horshack but he does agree to allow Horshack one more broadcast to say goodbye.  Grabbing the microphone, Horshack asks his listeners to go to their windows and shout, “I’m fed up, Arnold …. AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!”

Suddenly, Horshack is ratings gold.  He’s the mad prophet of the air waves.  He has fans who hang on his every word.  But when Horshack announces that the teachers should not be given a raise, he is invited to the Kotter apartment.  Gabe tells Horshack that he has meddled in the primal forces of nature and “YOU WILL ATONE!”

Horshack drops his anti-teacher rhetoric and goes back to being a normal, boring broadcaster.  His ratings crash.  Woodman vengefully announces that Horshack will be kept after school.

“This has been the story of Arnold Horshack,” Gabe says, “the only man kept after school for bad ratings.”

The episode ends with Gabe telling Woodman about how his Uncle Simon was buried in a rented tux and his father has to pay $15 a month as a result.  Woodman finds the joke to be hilarious and laughs so much that even Gabe starts to get nervous.

This episode, which you’ve already guessed was a parody of Network, had its moments.  Gabe is barely in this sone but I did enjoy his take on Ned Beatty’s famous monologue.  And any episode that features a lot of Woodman is going to be enjoyable because John Sylvester White was always delightfully unhinged in the role.  In the end, how one reacts to this episode will depend on how much tolerance one has for Ron Pallilo’s performance as Arnold Horshack.  By the time the third season came around, Pallilo’s performance in the role had gone from eccentric to cartoonish and a little of Horshack tended to be a lot.  Personally, I think Epstein should have been this episode’s Howard Beale.  That said, I chuckled quite a bit while watching this episode.  It was certainly better than the radio station episodes of Saved By The Bell.

Next week, Gabe freaks out when the Sweathogs are taught by a computer!  A.I. has been around a lot longer than I thought.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th: The Series 1.24 “Pipe Dreams”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Ryan discovers that Uncle Louis’s latest victim is his own father!

Episode 1.24 “Pipe Dreams”

(Dir by Zale Dalen, originally aired on July 11th, 1988)

Ryan has been invited to the wedding of Connie (Marion Gilsenan) and Ray Dallion (Michael Constantine).  Ray is Ryan’s estranged father.  As Ryan explains it to Micki, this is only the latest of Ray’s many marriages.  Ray has spent his entire life trying to get rich and he often neglected his son while pursuing his dream.  Ray will do anything to get rich.  Ryan feels that there are more important things than money, like tracking down cursed antiques.  Ryan decides to go the wedding but he brings his cousin Micki along with him for moral support.  I mean, considering that Micki has just lost two potential husbands in a row, why wouldn’t she want to attend a wedding?

As the result of inventing a new type of gun, Ray has come into money.  Ryan is horrified that his father would get rich off of weaponry but Ray explains that he was inspired by Uncle Louis.  If Louis could get rich just by running a rinky dink antique store, why can’t Ray get rich from his inventions?  Ryan explains that Uncle Louis got rich by selling cursed antiques and selling his soul to the Devil and now, Ryan and Micki spend all of their time traveling around the country (which is totally Canada, regardless of what the show occasionally claims) and trying to undo Louis’s evil.  Ray doesn’t seem to be particularly surprised by any of this.

Ray has an antique of his own, a pipe that Louis gave to him.  Whenever Ray smokes the pipe, it produces an orange smoke that disintegrates anyone that it surrounds.  You know that gun that Ray invented?  Well, it turns out that he didn’t actually invent it.  Instead, he stole it after using his magic pipe to kill the original inventor.  When Jack shows up for the wedding and informs Ryan of all of this, Ryan cannot believe it.  He may be estranged from his father but Ryan can’t accept that he’s turned evil.  But, as we all know from previous episodes, using the cursed antiques is like getting hooked on drugs.  Once you use it once, you become addicted to using it again and again.

This is yet another episode of Friday the 13th that ends with a freeze frame of someone sobbing.  In this case, it’s Ryan crying.  As easy as it id to poke fun at how often Ryan and Micki end up either sobbing or staring at the camera with a forlorn look on their face, it’s actually a sign of the show’s intelligence that it realizes and acknowledges that dealing with cursed antiques is going to take a mental and emotional toll on someone.  Both Ryan and Micki has lost a lot of people this season.  In this episode, Ryan loses his father and, due to the performances of John D. LeMay and Michael Constantine, it definitely carries an emotional punch.  Like so many of the “villains” on this show, Ray was not inherently evil.  Instead, he was a man who lost his soul due to Louis’s evil deal with the Devil.  The best episodes of Friday the 13th are tragedies and that’s certainly the case with this episode.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.3 “Halfway to Nowhere”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Terri and Turner take down the loathsome head of a halfway house.

Episode 3.3 “Halfway to Nowhere”

(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired January 20th, 1990)

Roman (Louis Ferreira) is an angry young man who is on parole and who has been living at a halfway house that is run by Eddy (Danny Pawlick).  When Roman discovers that Eddy has been harassing Roman’s girlfriend, Sissy (Krista Bridges), Roman attacks Eddy.  Eddy kicks Roman out of the halfway house and attempts to have him sent back to prison.

Terri just happens to be in the police station when Roman is brought in and, just like Amy used to do before her mysterious disappearance, Terri declares herself to be Roman’s attorney.  (One gets the feeling that the show’s producers just crossed out Amy’s name on a bunch of scripts and wrote in “Terri.”)  Roman turns out to be a terrible client who refuses to talk to anyone, including the attorney who is trying to keep him out of jail.  Terri finally calls up T.S. Turner and asks him for help.

Turner’s reaction is to growl about how late it is.

Seriously, what’s going on with Turner this season?  He’s in an even worse mood than usual.  Maybe he’s mad because Amy has mysteriously vanished without explanation.  After all, Turner owed Amy.  Amy was the one who got him out of prison.  It made sense that Turner would always be willing to drop everything to help out Amy.  Terri is just some random lawyer who has shown up out of nowhere.

Terri, it should be said, is not a very good lawyer.  At the parole hearing, she puts Eddy on the stand and asks him a bunch of questions, despite not having a clue as to how Eddy is going to respond.  She also dramatically announces that she will be calling Sissy as a witness before she knows whether or not Sissy has agreed to testify.  When Turner steps into the courtroom without Sissy and shakes his head because Sissy refuses to testify, Terri is forced to walk back her words.  I doubt that parole board appreciated that and they probably took their frustration out on Terri’s client.

In the end, Sissy does agree to wear a wire and Eddy stupidly talks about all the crimes that he’s committed as the head of a halfway house.  Eddy ends up getting arrested and Sissy and Roman are reunited briefly.  That said, it appears that Roman is still going to go back to jail because Terri is a terrible attorney.

On the plus side, this episode featured one of the most loathsome villains to ever show up on T&T and it was satisfying to watch Terri and Turner take him down.  On the other hand, it would have been even more satisfying if Terri wasn’t terrible at her job and if Turner didn’t seem to be annoyed by even having to be in her presence.  This episode was a mixed bag but at least it looked like Eddy was going away for a long time.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.4 “Cindy”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan and Mark travel to Hollywood …. again.

Episode 2.4 “Cindy”

(Dir by Michael Landon, originally aired on October 23rd, 1985)

Vincent DeGeralimo (Bill Macy) is a fast-talking, good-hearted talent agent who is still trying to sell acts that were out-of-style during Vaudeville.  He wants to get a booking for a lion tamer but Jonathan appears to him and says that Vincent’s main concern should be helping out his daughter.

Cindy DeGeralimo (Hallie Todd) is an aspiring actress who is currently working as a waitress in a diner.  Her evil boss (Alice Ghostley) has three untalented daughters who all want to be actresses as well.  Cindy’s newest coworker, Mark Gordon, just wants to meet a movie star.

Pretending to work in the mailroom of a major Hollywood studio, Jonathan convinces producer Maxim Prince (Kip Gilman) that the best way to find a star for his new picture would be to hold a ball and invite every aspiring actress in town to attend.

Can you see where this is going?  Yep, it’s a remake of Cinderella, except this time Cinderella has a pushy father who keeps trying to change her before she goes to the ball.  Cindy finally gets fed up and says that she wants to be a star but she also doesn’t want to be some sort of Hollywood phony.  Vincent accepts Cindy’s feelings and everything works out in the end.

Usually, I’m pretty lenient when it comes to reviewing this show but this episode just annoyed me.  Even by the standards of Highway to Heaven, it was overly sentimental and heavy-handed.  Bill Macy gave such a frantic performance as Vincent that it was hard to watch him.  As well, Mark was so excited about being in Hollywood that I found myself wondering if he forgot about all the time he spent in Hollywood during the first season.

Indeed, this is not the first episode of Highway to Heaven to feature Jonathan dealing with the entertainment industry and I imagine it won’t be the last.  Considering how much control Michael Landon had over this show, I always get the feeling that the Hollywood episodes were personal for him, especially as they always seemed to deal with parents regretting the fact that they put work ahead of their families.  That said, the portrayal of Hollywood in this episode was so old-fashioned and idealized that I get the feeling that it was Landon’s way of showing what he wished Hollywood was like as opposed to what it actually was.  Landon’s Hollywood is a town where anyone can be a star and anyone can find a happiness.

As for this episode, it was a bit too corny for its own good.  Next week, though, Jonathan battles the Devil for Mark’s soul!  That should be fun.

Retro Television Review: Beane’s of Boston 1.1 “German Week”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Beane’s of Boston, which aired on CBS in 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

This week, we take a look at an attempt to bring a British show to America.

Episode 1.1 “German Week”

(Dir by Jerry Paris, originally aired on May 5th, 1979)

Beane’s of Boston is a venerable department store, a landmark of Boston.  The store is housed in a multi-story building and it is run by the elderly but still horny Frank Beane (Tom Poston).  Frank takes a break from ogling his secretary and sneaking off to the strip club to demand this his nephew, Franklin Beane (George O’Hanlon, Jr.), explain why the 4th floor — which houses the Men and Ladies’ Wear Department — is losing money.

Franklin admits that sales have been off but he has a plan.  What if the store only sold German products for a week?  And what if the employees dressed in lederhosen and did German dances?

The 4th floor employees are not particularly enthused.  The head of Ladies’ Wear, Mrs. Slocum (Charlotte Rae), served as a WAC during World War II and once found herself with a German soldier on top of her after a landmine went off.  Mr. Peacock (John Hillerman), the stuffy floor manager, feels that he looks like an idiot dressed in a German outfit.  Meanwhile, in the Men’s Department, elderly Mr. Granger (Morgan Farley) sleeps while the flamboyant Mr. Humphries (Alan Sues) answers the phone in his most “masculine” voice and Mr. Lucas (Larry Bishop) hits on the just-hired administrative assistant, Ms. Brahms (Lorna Patterson).

German week is a disaster, bringing in a profit of $12.94.  But, fortunately, old Frank Beane is dating a German woman and she loves the idea.  So, no one loses their job….

If this sounds familiar and if you’re reading this in America, you’ve probably seen an episode of the infamously terrible British sitcom Are You Being Served? on PBS.  Beane’s of Boston was an attempt to do an American version of that sitcom and, just as The Office would do decades later, the pilot essentially took a script from the British series and populated it with American actors.

Setting aside the question of whether or not the world needed more than one version of Are You Being Served?, the idea of transporting that very British sitcom to Boston was not, in itself, a terrible one.  Boston is one of our oldest cities and, while it may be best-known today for its robust blue collar culture, there were still enough stuffy Protestants around to make it believable that a store like Beane’s could survive.  That said, the pilot still falls flat, largely because everyone but John Hillerman seems to be miscast and even Mr. Peacock is considerably less amusing once you take away his title of colonel.  While the British original was known for its broad comedy, it appears like a model of subtlety when compared to the performances of Alan Sues as Mr. Humphries and Larry Bishop as Mr. Lucas.  As well, why would any store do a German week in a city that is best-known for its strong Irish community?  Why not do an Irish Week?  It perhaps made sense in Are You Being Served? but, in Beane’s of Boston, it just makes Franklin seem like such an idiot that you almost feel like he deserves to lose his job.

Beane’s of Boston did not have the same success as Are You Being Served?  German Week would be the only episode aired.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.2 “Portrait of the Artist”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, a visit to an art gallery goes terribly wrong.

Episode 2.2 “Portrait of the Artist”

(Dir by Gerald Cotts, originally aired on October 8th, 1989)

Lucille Clay (Lucille Kennedy) visits an isolated art gallery that appears to be sitting in the middle of nowhere.  The studio is full of macabre paintings of women and children who appear to be in some sort of mortal danger.  Watching over the gallery is Hubert (Darren McGavin), who claims to be just an old farmer who was hired to look after things while the actual artist is in Nepal.

Accompanying Lucille is Roger Darcy (Beeson Carroll), a man who walks with a pronounced limp.  Lucille claims that Roger is an art critic but, as soon becomes apparent, that’s a lie.  Roger is actually the father of a missing teenage girl and he is stunned when he sees that one of the paintings looks just like her.  In fact, all of the paintings appear to be of someone who has recently disappeared.  Convinced that the artist is a serial killer, Roger demands to be taken to the artist’s cabin.  What Roger doesn’t know is that the gallery hides an even bigger threat.

This episode ends with a twist.  It’s not a bad twist and it actually took me by surprise.  Unfortunately, the rest of the episode is not as good as the twist ending.  I had high hopes when I saw that this episode was going to take place in a gallery and that it was going to star Darren McGavin.  But, and it pains me to say this, McGavin just isn’t very good in this episode.  McGavin was an actor who always had a tendency to go a little bit over the top.  That wasn’t a problem when he was playing Kolchak or the father in A Christmas Story.  But, in this episode, he’s so blustery that it’s obvious that he’s hiding something from the start and it makes Roger and Lucille seem all the dumber for trusting him.

Indeed, the other big problem with this episode is that Roger and Lucille continually do the stupidest things possible.  None of their actions make sense.  Why, if they believed a serial killer was lurking around the gallery, would they split up?  Why would they be so quick to trust Hubert?  Why, after escaping, would one of them then return without any backup?  Why does neither one of them seem to be particularly upset about the possibility that either Hubert or the artist murdered Roger’s daughter and then used her for his painting?  They both behave so stupidly that it’s hard to really care what happens to them.

This story had some potential but, unfortunately, the execution just didn’t live up to it.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out of This World”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week’s cruise is all about adultery and aliens!

Episode 4.10 “Boomerang/Captain’s Triangle/Out Of This World”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 13th, 1980)

When Donna Dayton (Pamela Sue Martin) boards the boat, Julie immediately notices her wedding ring and asks if Mr. Dayton will be following her.  Donna explains that she’s not married.  She just wears the ring to keep sleazy men from hitting on her.

Julie is shocked.  What if Donna meets someone on the boat!?

Donna says that she has no intention of meeting anyone.

Can you guess what happens next?

Donna meets Scott Hanson (Barry Van Dyke) and it’s love at …. well, not quite first sight.  In fact, Donna is weary of Scott because Scott is on the cruise with his oafish best friend, Lance (Guich Koock, who has a great name if nothing else).  When Lance tries to hit on Donna, Donna shoots him down.  When Scott apologizes to Donna, it leads to them dancing together and then later spending a day in Mexico.  Scott repeatedly says that their relationship cannot continue once the cruise is over.  Even after Scott spends the night in Donna’s cabin (which was kind of a rare occurrence on this show because The Love Boat was usually a surprisingly chaste show), Scott says that he can’t be with Donna.

Finally realizing that she’s still wearing her fake wedding ring, Donna tells Scott, “I’m not married!”

“But I am,” Scott replies.

DAMN!  When did The Love Boat get so dramatic?  When the ship returns to Los Angeles, Donna gives her wedding ring to Julie and announces that the next time she wears a ring, it’ll be because she’s married.

Wow, that was depressing.  Fortunately, the other two stories are a bit less serious.

For instance, Captain Stubing’s friend, Brad (Monte Markham), boards the boat with his wife, Monica (Sue Ane Langdon).  Monica soon starts to hit on Stubing, which leads to Stubing spending all of his time hiding on the bridge.  Doc Bricker, naturally, offers to sleep with Monica.  Fortunately, Stubing figures out that it’s all Brad’s fault and he tells Brad that he needs to spend more time with his wife.  Brad agrees and later learns that Monica just wanted to have an affair because she was insecure about turning 40.  But once Brad starts to pay attention to her again, Monica decides not to cheat on him.  Sorry, Doc!

Finally, in perhaps the silliest Love Boat storyline ever, Martin Fallow (Tom Smothers) is a science fiction fan who is convinced that his local librarian, Elinor Green (Helen Reddy), is an alien from the planet Romulac.  Martin explains to Gopher that Elinor turns into a plant at night and only eats other plants.  Elinor proceeds to eat a flower while Isaac, Gopher, and Martin watch.

Elinor later confesses to Isaac that she is not an alien but she’s been pretending to be one because she knows that Martin is obsessed with science fiction.  Okay, that makes …. well, that actually makes no sense whatsoever.  Elinor thought she could get Martin to love her by pretending to be a plant and …. actually, Martin does fall in love with her so I guess her plan worked.  This was such a weird story.  Fortunately, it was also a lot of fun.  With all the talk of adultery, it was good to have something that was just incredibly silly to serve as a counterbalance.

This was an enjoyable cruise.  Pamela Sue Martin and Barry Van Dyke had so much chemistry as the forbidden lovers that I really did feel bad that they couldn’t be together.  And the alien stuff was dumb but fun.  This was a cruise that truly had something for everyone.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 1.20 “Rendezvous”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

This week, Mitch and the Gang screw up another easy case.

Episode 1.20 “Rendezvous”

(Dir by Georg Fenady, originally aired on May 4th, 1996)

Mitch, Ryan, and Garner are hired to track down Bradley Thurman (John Sanderford), a former top executive who embezzled over twenty million dollars and then, with the help of plastic surgery, went into hiding.  Thurman has come to California to track down his wife and child, both of whom are in the witness protection program.  They are told that, if they help to capture Bradley, they will be entitled to 20% of whatever money is recovered.

“20% of 20,000,000,” Mitch says, dreamily.

“Or 20% of nothing,” Ryan adds, revealing that she at least understands that both this show and presumably Baywatch would be over if Mitch ever became independently wealthy.

Donna and and Griff help out with the case, despite the fact that neither one of them is a detective and they both already have jobs that should presumably keep them busy.  I mean, Donna owns a bar and it seems like that would require a lot of work on her part.  Instead, she’s always either training to become a life guard, pursuing a modeling career, and trying to help Mitch solve a case.  If I was Donna, I would be concerned about the fact that I’m always being told to go flirt with the bad guys.  It seems like a dangerous assignment to give to someone who isn’t actually a detective.  Griff, as a professional photographer, at least has a skill that is regularly used in actual detective work.

Even though this episode’s story felt like a return to the type of plots that Baywatch Nights featured when it first premiered, it was still a rather inconsequential episode.  Bradley Thurman was hardly a clever or even a menacing villain and the fact that he got as close to his wife and his child as he did had less to do with any skill on Thurman’s part and everything to do with Mitch just not being very good at his job.

Actually, why are Mitch, Ryan, and Garner such terrible detectives?  Mitch’s problem is that he never seems to focus on the case at hand.  Instead, he’s always trying to flirt with Ryan or looking out at the ocean to see if anyone’s drowning.  Being a detective requires concentration and that seems to be something that Mitch struggles with.  Garner, meanwhile, is a bit too cocky for someone who, despite appearing in the open credits, hardly ever actually appears on the show.  But still, Ryan seems like she should have everything that it takes to be a good detective but, every show, she makes the same mistakes as Mitch and Garner.  I think Ryan actually is a good detective.  She’s just being dragged down by Mitch’s incompetence.  I think if Ryan went off on her own, she’d have a lot more success.

Next week, Mitch helps an old friend who thinks his wife is an imposter!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.19 “The Proxy Billionaire/The Experiment”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, things get weird.

Episode 4.19 “The Proxy Billionaire/The Experiment”

(Dir by Richard Benedict, originally aired on March 21st, 1981)

This week’s episode is a bit of an odd one.

The first fantasy is fairly typical for the series.  Playing two roles, Robert Goulet is cast as both a billionaire and as Frank Miller, a Wall Street analyst who wants to be a billionaire.  The real billionaire agrees to allow Frank to live his life for the weekend.  Frank soon discovers that being a billionaire is …. well, actually, it’s pretty cool.  Except, of course, Phyllis Davis and Troy Donahue are plotting to poison him at a luau so that they can steal all of his money.  Fortunately, Mr. Roarke shows up at the luau in time to catch the vial of poison as Davis and Donahue attempt to toss it away.  Frank learns that being a billionaire is fine as long as no one wants to kill you.  Still, he has to return to his normal life at the end of the weekend.  Fortunately, the millionaire’s administrative assistant (Britt Ekland) has fallen in love with Frank and she decides to leave the Island with him.

As I said, this story felt pretty typical of Fantasy Island.  Probably the highlight was Mr. Roarke walking in on Tattoo badgering Frank for financial advice.  Roarke responded by giving Tattoo a strong glare that, if nothing else, reminded the audience that Tattoo and Roarke absolutely despise each other.

The other fantasy was …. well, it was weird.  Dr. Lucas Bergmann (James Broderick) and his daughter,  Lisa (hey!), come to the Island.  Each has a fantasy.  Lisa (played by Laurie Walters) says her fantasy is for Lucas to relax and enjoy himself and to stop obsessing over bringing the dead back to life.  Lucas’s fantasy is to bring the dead back to life.  Roarke sets Lucas and Lisa up in a bungalow that once belonged to another scientist who also wanted to play God.  Roarke warns Lucas that the local Islanders are superstitious and they might not appreciate him tampering in God’s domain.

(If the Islanders are that superstitious, how are they handling living on a magical island that is ruled by a mercurial demigod?)

Soon, the Islanders are beating their drums and Lucas’s mute assistant (Woody Strode) is looking concerned.  Lucas steps outside and discovers that Lisa has apparently drowned in a nearby lake.  Lucas decides that she’ll be the subject of his experiment.  Can he bring her back to life?  Lucas doesn’t find out because the Islanders storm his bungalow and Lucas runs into the jungle, fleeing until he eventually runs into Roarke, Tattoo, and …. LISA!

It turns out that Lisa was only pretending to be dead in order to teach her father a lesson.  And it also turns out that the Islanders were in on it and Woody Strode can speak.

WHAT!?

Seriously, was there not a simpler and perhaps less traumatic way to teach Lucas a lesson?  This seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to.  Lucas does realize that he doesn’t need to raise the dead to be happy so that’s good.  Still, this whole thing just feels weird.

Of course, weird is good when it comes to Fantasy Island.  With Roarke and Tattoo barely on speaking terms, it’s even more important for the fantasies to be memorable.  And I will never forget about the time Mr. Roarke tricked a scientist into believing his only child was dead.  Seriously, I’m stunned Mr. Roarke was never sued.

Next week, we meet Mr. Roarke’s goddaughter!

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 1.20 “Rainy Day”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee!

What would CHiPs be like without motorcycles?  We’re about to find out.

Episode 1.20 “Rainy Day”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on March 2nd, 1978)

While riding his motorcycle on the California highway, Baker groans as he feels a drop of water.  He tells Ponch that it’s going to rain and the two of them are going to end up getting stuck in a patrol car.

“It’s only sprinkling!” Ponch replies.

One jump cut later and Ponch and Baker are trapped in the middle of a downpour.  Despite the heavy rain and the fact that they’re getting soaked, they still manage to save a teacher after a car swerves on the slick road and hits her school bus.  (Apparently, in 1978, teachers also had to drive the school buses.)  The teacher is young and attractive so, of course, Ponch tells her that she and her students can drop by the station and see him any time that they want.

As for the rain, it turns out that Baker was right.  After giving them a hard time about their wet uniforms (and not even bothering to acknowledge that those uniforms got wet while Baker and Ponch were saving someone’s life), Getraer assigns them to a patrol car for the day.  It’s a new patrol car so Getraer warns them not to get a scratch on it.  Usually, I can kind of understand why Getraer is a bit weary of Ponch but, in this episode, the guy’s just a jerk about everything.

You can probably already guess what the main problem with this episode is.  The appeal of CHiPs, at least from what I’ve seen so far, is that it features a lot of exciting motorcycle stunts.  Chase scenes involving motorcycles are fun to watch because motorcycles can go extremely fast and they can weave in-and-out of traffic.  The show works best when Ponch and Baker are on their motorcycles.  This episodes put them in a bulky, slow-moving squad car.  Even stuck in the car, Ponch and Baker manage to catch a car thief and they put an end to an illegal gambling casino that’s been hidden inside of an RV.  But it really doesn’t matter because they’re in a squad car.  There’s nothing exciting about a squad car.

And yes, the squad car does get trashed, specifically while Ponch and Baker are chasing a degenerate gambler (Herb Edelman) who was seeking revenge against the RV casino.  Getraer is not happy about the damage to the car, despite the fact that there really wasn’t any way to avoid it and Ponch and Baker managed to prevent a lot of people from getting injured.  Fortunately, Officer Grossman (Paul Linke) accidentally backs into the squad car, leaving it ambiguous as to who is responsible for what damage.  Getraer will just have to get mad at everyone, I guess.

I love the rain so I did appreciate the fact that this episode featured a lot of it.  But otherwise, the whole thing just felt off.  I don’t care how wet it is outside.  Baker and Ponch just do not belong in a car.